In the almost 4 months that I've known Jenn online, I knew these issues already existed:
*She's young. Even though she's had a shit load of "Life Experiences" already, she's still immature in a lot of ways.
*She's possessive & has trouble with jealousy.
*She truly has NO clue what D/s is all about!
*She has anger issues.
*She has a semi-butch personal style.
And I've had my own problems dealing with these...JUST online! I knew they'd be magnified in RL but the hope was that we had enough of a *connection*, that it'd not be that big of a deal. I have my own quirks, too. I know that. I'm not perfect! Nowhere even near perfect!! But whatever problem someone has with me, I can work on it or whatever needs to be done.
Being with her 24/7 for a week was like...being around a teenager. I dislike teens, generally. So it was a bit annoying...lol. The whole package of a teenager's view of life & the world around them & thinking they are invincible & know everything. Stubborn & refuses to listen to anything anyone says. She exhibits a LOT of these qualities!
I never had a moment to myself really the entire week. She was either ON me or right next to me. I'm not a touchy-feely person to begin with. I adore my personal space. I've said all along that I don't think I can handle someone being always around me. I've done it before, with roommates...but that's a little different cuz they aren't constantly touching me. She questioned things I'd do, the way I'd do them, etc. Like...really?! I've been driving & living my daily life longer than she's been alive & she's going to question it?? It WORKS for me...let it be! One day at the beach, I took a pic of this building covered with turtles so I could send it to Stacy (she ADORES turtles!!) As I'm waiting to get a signal to send the text, Jenn pipes up with trying to get me to just stop..."It's just a text!" she said...that pissed me off. I took the picture for a REASON! Hell yeah I was gonna send it...FFS! *sighs*
For her to claim to be soooo Dominant...yeah, not so much! 1st of all, she hasn't got the 1st clue as to how D/s works. She just wants to be in control of people & situations. That's not the same thing. o.0 We had a 4 hour convo on D/s one night. She thinks of D/s in terms of kinky sex. That's only a small percentage of it!! She says fuck all to the rest of it. TOTALLY doesn't get that it's a *relationship*...period. Getting her to make a decision...was like freaking pulling teeth!! And I'm talking simple shit...grocery shopping, making dinner, where to go, what to do. I'm submissive. I conform to what somebody else wants. I want to please them...make them happy. Make a decision...I will follow! Ugh. Whatever.
She is insanely jealous of Kat & Ben. Not Ben so much as Kat. But he's still part of it. I talked to Kat a little more than normal while Jenn was here but...generally...it stayed pretty normal. I had hoped that if she heard our convos (be it one-sided or not), that she'd let go of some of that jealousy. Most of what we have is a friendship. She will always be my Domme...that will NEVER go away! Ben has that part of me, too. Just like Lou & Lee will always have a little piece of me in that same aspect. When you get on that intense level with someone, it never goes away. She tried to tell me that I didn't need to talk to Kat EVERY DAY! That we only talk BS while she's on her way home from work. o.0 WTF?!?! Out of desperation (will explain that part in a bit), I tried to get her to understand that Kat is my BEST FRIEND. I *need* her. When I talk to her, I talk to her as my friend. She is my go-to person. When I'm upset, she can calm me. When I go bizerk, she can give me peace. When I feel lonely or lost, she can find me. I don't have a single other person currently in my life that can do that for me. I have several friends. Tanya, Amanda, Stacy, Michele, Heidi...but Kat is my BEST friend. *sighs* But all she sees in Kat is that She is my Domme...nothing else matters. Yeah, we generally talk BS. That's what FRIENDS do!! They share their day. They vent. They talk about "nothing" & "everything" all at the same fucken time...SERIOUSLY!!!! o.0
When Jenn gets angry about something, she can get brutal & very verbal. And she then vents to Misty & Lisha. She flies off, half-cocked & doesn't see anything but her own anger. I guess that's really pretty normal but...I dunno. *sighs*
Her personal style drove me a little bonkers. No, I have ZERO sense of style. I make fun of Kat for her name brands & shit but...butch isn't a turn on for me. It never has been. If I wanted a guy, I'd BE with a guy. And for Jenn...it's not totally about her clothes. She dresses in what's comfortable for her. It's more about how she carries herself. I dunno...that prolly doesn't make a whole lotta sense...bleh. At any rate, it was a wall for me. My attraction to her went down cuz of it.
I'm not even really gonna talk about the sex part of this. But what I found amusing...no, not amusing...ironic??...maybe...???...all this time online, she's been ego-centric about her sexual prowess & the use of her tongue ring. She seemed more amateurish to me instead of totally experienced like she claims. The tongue ring...did nothing for me at all. But I think the sex part was all on me. I'm not sensitive to it. I'm not all that open with it or know what I'm doing. So she may very well be awesome at it...but not with me. I've always said I'm "broken" when it comes to sex. So I'm pretty much set on that now...solidly. Though, she did manage to really get a response out of me a couple of times...heh. I hafta totally be into it & ok with the moment before I experience much of anything...which sucks for me! lol
Size doesn't matter for me. I'm not little or hot or sexy or ANYTHING. I think I'm pretty gross, actually. When I'm attracted to someone, I'm attracted to the PERSON, their personality, the things they do, how they make me feel emotionally...not what their body looks like!! However...the reverse is true, too...if I don't like the PERSON...I don't like the body. About halfway through her visit, I started not liking her very much at all...
I think it was Monday night...she asked if she could use my laptop. Reluctantly, I said ok...with the condition that she stayed nearby (meaning where I could see her). Instead, she went out in the yard with it. Instantly, my hackles rose & I became extremely uneasy!! Ever since Nancy refused to let me get any of my personal belongings, including my computer...I have SEVERE issues with my privacy. My laptop now is password protected for that very reason. Not that there is really anything on here that nobody needs to see but...it's MINE...it's my personal stuff! For 15 minutes, I asked & told her to come back to where I was or I threatened to go to her but she wouldn't let me. All she would tell me was she was accessing something on her flash drive. Well, it just happened that this started happening just before the time frame that Kat generally calls. The moment she called, Jenn came running over to me, saying she was ready & needed me to come over, telling me to hang up with Kat & tell her to call back later, etc. Was too late, at that point...I was pissed. And it pissed me off even more that she was in my face, being rude while I was on the phone. She finally walked away & then a few minutes later, she got pissed & took my laptop inside. Within the next several minutes, she came out a couple of times & walked around in the yard while venting on the phone to Misty...about me & the situation. I didn't hear everything but I heard a few choice lines that pissed me off even more. Then she went in for a few minutes & came back out to tell me dinner was ready. Was SUPPOSED to be a romantic-type dinner...oh, well. Couple minutes later, she's standing at the sliding glass door, again mentioning dinner. I will come when I'm ready! REALLY?! I'm not a child. When I got off the phone & went inside, she was on the couch, still on the phone...so I went to the bedroom. She followed me. Still on the phone! I wasn't talking to her while she was on the phone! I didn't want to talk to her PERIOD at that moment! But I couldn't get away from her. As things calmed down later on, we talked a little but the whole situation put me in shut down mode. And I stayed that way the rest of the time she was here. Come to find out, she wanted to use my laptop to play music so we could dance, etc. If she had just let me get off the phone & see it in time...I would've been ok about her using my comp & everything would've been fine...it was the REST of the night that made it all explode. *sighs*
I CAN'T deal with this in a relationship. I WON'T. Drama. BS. Jealousy. Anger. No. Zero desire for it. And as I put everything together in my mind...I'm not sure I still want to be in a relationship with her. She needs to grow up some 1st. But I know me...I will hang out & let things evolve before making a decision so that's pretty much where I was about the whole thing. Just gotta let things happen as they will & deal with it as it happens. I can't predict the future & I'm not going to make a decision in anger. Just hafta wait & see what happens next...
Well, it didn't take long for that to happen!! I took her to the airport last night. And, honestly, I was ready to get her out of my personal space. I'm agitated & apprehensive with her right now...she needs to be at a distance so things can calm down between us & we start over or move on or whatever's gonna happen! We get her checked in & find out her flight is delayed an hr & a half!! UGH! We were already there earlier than necessary. I ended up leaving her there at 7. I was torn about doing that but I needed "freedom". I needed to be able to finally breathe again. Selfish of me, I suppose, but...yeah...I needed to let things start healing again. Texted her at 8, just before I got home. We texted til 9:39...when she had to turn her phone off, getting ready for take-off. Just before midnight, I see these postings on her FB wall by Misty & Lisha:
Lisha: THANK GOD ur coming home! you are NEVER going back down there again! i'll chain ur ass in Philly if i have to!!!!!!!!! ♥ya and can't wait til i get MY skysky back!!!!! she will return if i have to reach through the computer and drag her ass back! :) o btw how long did u sit at the airport alone? i wish i had known! i was at my parents, i would have answered ur call :(
Misty: YOU fly safely back here, and i agree with Lisha, we're not letting u go down there again! you're done....don't ask....nope sky....no arguments.....instead, you can come to Boston and cook ME dinner ♥ i love you my biffle ♥
Misty: OH OH, and I'm on my 4th cup of coffee waiting for your ass to get home!!!! :))
Misty: YOU fly safely back here, and i agree with Lisha, we're not letting u go down there again! you're done....don't ask....nope sky....no arguments.....instead, you can come to Boston and cook ME dinner ♥ i love you my biffle ♥
Misty: OH OH, and I'm on my 4th cup of coffee waiting for your ass to get home!!!! :))
My initial reaction...pissed!! Immediately looked like she'd been "venting" again & these were their responses to it! I was over it...instantly. She called at midnight when she landed & I didn't answer. Had no desire to talk to her at that moment. We had JUST been through this! I told her I wasn't gonna deal with the BS anymore. And I'm serious!! We ended up talking a little bit later on. She says she didn't tell them anything & that they posted this stuff just cuz they missed her. Uhh...sure...ok. Cuz it's not like she didn't text & talk to them the whole time she was here?! Really?!?! Whatever. Let it ride...see what happens next...*deep breath*
As I sit here now, I wonder what the good qualities were that I'd HOPED would make us ok...*sighs heavily*
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