Dreaming of Fear...

Like I said before, I've been dreaming a lot this week. It's all been about the same thing basically. It's been centered around that moment in my life, 2 years ago, when I stepped off the plane in Seattle. I was beyond nervous about meeting Kat & the girls. That was a given! But walking through Baggage Claim...I remember seeing the girls 1st & then Kat. That was when it hit me. I was almost instantly paralyzed with fear. Fear of touching her. Period. I hugged Rachael & then Anna & it felt like..."these are MY girls!" They were instantly REALLY & truly a part of my world. I'd always been attached to them. Now they were REAL. That feeling only grew as I spent what little time I had with them. Probably why...even til this day...when either one of them mentions the "mistake" that split us up...it cuts me to the core, all over again! Even though they are just kids, knowing they have the wrong impression of me...hurts like a bitch! :/ *sighs* But the moment that I tried to hug Kat...it was awkward, frightening, exhilarating & felt like "home" all in one single moment. But...what sticks with me the most is the fear of it. I couldn't let go of her FAST ENOUGH! That few seconds of contact burnt & scarred me. Why? It shouldn't have felt like that but it DID. It did cuz...I knew, deep in my soul, that we weren't allowed to be ok with each other. It did cuz...I knew Ben wasn't ok with it. It did cuz...I wanted it to be ok...TOO much so. And the days that followed, that fear grew in intensity. So much so that it was literally suffocating at times. I had 2 distinctive panic attacks from it. One night, just sitting around in the living room, watching a movie & just being there, after Thanksgiving with Ben's family. The last one...when she was gathering everything together to go to her parents for xmas...& abandoning me for a week. Alone. Snowed in. With only the pets for company.

That single moment, in the airport, has defined what happened with Kathy & Jenn, to a certain extent. I couldn't be free with someone I was ridiculously in love with. I've not allowed myself to be free with anyone else. Worst yet...I've still been unable to allow myself to be free with Kat again.

So why I've been dreaming of that moment in time...I'm not sure. Last night, I woke myself up from it...crying. I dunno...if it's cuz Thanksgiving/xmas is closing in on me. I dunno...if it's cuz Jenn is out of the picture now & that provides an opening with Kat that I couldn't totally take before. I dunno...if it's cuz she drew me up so close to Her for over a week & I got accustomed to it only to be dropped again afterwards. I dunno...if it's cuz I haven't talked to Ben in what feels like forever now. I just...dunno. I only know that it's making me a little crazy. I'm literally sick of reliving that moment in my life, over & over, lately. At this very moment, I feel like I could puke if I'd just go do it. :/ *sighs*

Anyway...so it's finally REALLY Sunday! This weekend, they're having the Art Festival downtown. The book signing yesterday for William Collins was a total flop! Whenever something's happening downtown, people don't come down our way. At all. Because it was so dead, Cindy suggested I take off early. It was 2:45 when I left. Not that having the extra time allowed me to do anything I had planned!! Ha! Sheesh. *rolls eyes* Instead, I watched a movie, took a nap, took a shower, did a load of laundry, read a little, watched another movie & then went to bed.

Got up at 10:30 this morning. Took trash out, did kitty litter, washed dishes, folded/hung up laundry from last night. Now I'm here. I *NEED* to work on the website!! Well, that's still a "plan"...at least so far anyways. :/ Whether or not it'll happen, remains to be seen. I'm super nauseous at the moment. Bleh. My head hurts. Feeling utterly alone & not sure what to do with myself just yet.

I need Jenn's address so I can send her clothes, towel & pillow to her...but I don't want to contact her to get the info! o.0

I think I wanna sleep...so I stop thinking. But...I'm afraid I'll dream instead...*sighs*