More Forgiveness...

Since I had to go to work earlier, I didn't totally finish my train of thought. So here goes...

Does forgiveness ever totally happen? No, I think probably not. There's always gonna be a tiny piece of hurt, anger & fear that sticks with you, no matter what. But the whole concept of forgiveness is that you don't let those things rule your daily life anymore.

So to the other side of the spectrum of this for me...Jennifer. I have not been looking for an apology from her. She didn't DO anything to me! And I have nothing to apologize to her about, for the same reason. There's nothing for anyone to apologize for. You can't apologize for the person you ARE...cuz, basically, your core being will never truly change. I don't even want to discuss our "relationship" with her at this point. Doing so is simply an impasse. A difference in wants, likes, desires, etc. You can't say "I'm sorry" & fix any of that. That doesn't mean I'm not ok being her friend. But as far as being someone solidly fixated in my life...no. I'm not a relationship type person. It's become very clear to me now. With that being said, if I have to fight to hold onto a relationship...I would rather not! The drama isn't worth it to me...since I have a hard enough time of being in one in the 1st place!

I have work that wears me out. I have family that annoys me at times. I have friends that bring me into their own drama most days. I have my kitties. One of which may die soon. My life is full. I like it the way it is. If I made more money, that'd be a super cool bonus!! But...generally, I like my life as it is...without the constant drama of an intimate relationship. I got turned off to that 2 years ago. Didn't totally realize how much so til Jenn appeared in my world.

So...if it HAS to happen...I apologize for not wanting an intimate relationship. I have enough past memories that still can make me cry without adding new stuff to it. I hope that one day you will forgive me for that...