Forgiveness...

Forgiveness is on my mind. When someone tells you "I'm sorry", you say "Ok" but it doesn't end there. The one apologizing thinks it should be truly ok at that point cuz you've accepted their apology. Accepting an apology is rarely the end of it! The person that was hurt still has to find a way of letting themselves FORGIVE that other person. Forgiving someone is a helluva lot harder to do than accepting an apology. Generally, it involves trust. Once trust is lost, it's hard to regain it. And it takes time to do. Sometimes a LOT of time to do.

It took me over a year to forgive Kat. And I really don't even know when it happened. I remember still being agitated with her at Halloween but as of the new year...I was finally able to *talk* to her again. I'd let go of the hurt & anger somehow...somewhere. I've STILL not let go of the fear though. Letting go of the hurt & anger allowed me to forgive her. The fear keeps me still at a sort of distance. The fear makes me say things to her, reminders of past issues. The fear is from the lack of trust that's still there. And it's been almost another year...

Kat is upset that Ben can't let go of this Andy thing. I keep trying to get her to see this from a different POV other than her own. Yeah, she's over it. The 1st time Ben accepted her apology, she was over it. Her conscience was clear. The weight had been lifted off of her. He, however, has yet to FORGIVE her for it so he still lashes out at her about it. She doesn't want to continue re-opening the wound every few days & is growing tired of the situation. I can't say I blame her for feeling that way. It's hard to feel like shit all over again repeatedly. But he simply hasn't had sufficient time to find the forgiveness within himself yet. There is NO set time frame for this to occur. He has to finally trust her apologies enough to let it sink in & allow himself to forgive her & they will be able to move on. I had my own few moments of mistrust with her in the last couple of days. It hasn't totally left me either. But...I forgave her the beginning of the year so I am able to be ok with her, for the most part, til something disturbs my fears that are lying in wait...

I just don't always let her know what's disturbing me. And that's the key, I think. He has to get to the point where he stops poking at her out of fear & realize that every time he does, he pushes her farther away. I learned that. Eventually. I didn't want to still lose her after everything that had happened. Realizing how your actions affect others...allows you to understand more than your own feelings. Or, at least...it should...not an easy lesson to learn either...