Words...Feelings...

I had some things that were weighing on me & I thought needed to be said. But, then...I decided NOT to say them. Second-guessing myself, as always. However...I ended up saying them anyway. I'm ok about having said them cuz...after all, it IS how I feel!! But a part of me is not ok about them being said cuz...that's just another brick crumbling out of my wall...creating a vulnerable spot. o.0 Quite the conundrum...

But...all in all...my world is slowly beginning to right itself!! I feel good about that. Does that mean I'm "falling"? When I've been this OK before...I was slipping & falling, head over heels...with zero ability to stop it. Landing at the bottom of that fall was excruciating!! But the situation is different this time. Does that really make a lot of difference?? I have no way of knowing that. That's the scary part!

All I can do is survive each day, making choices that lead to yet another decision. That's all ANY of us can do, right?? We create our own destiny by the decisions we make. What's odd is that the destiny I thought I was going to have...& that I lost...is making another appearance again. Does that mean...it was truly meant to be? Dunno...*shrugs*. I'm just wading through the waters...feeling my way about, semi-blindly. No rose-colored glasses this time but still...not sure I trust what I see before me...

In other news...I get paid tomorrow. My "plan" is to buy some more patches & attempt to quit smoking. Again. As well as changing my diet. Again. December. A new month. The month that generally makes me a bubbling, oozing mess. But...for me, a fresh start doesn't start in January. December is my HELL. I need to proactively make it better. Physically AND emotionally. I have a reason to WANT to make it better...even if I don't verbally acknowledge what that reason is...