Loose Leash...

I've been thinking the last couple of days...more noticing, I guess, really. Kat has let go of my leash since Jenn left. We're back to where we were before she came to visit. I find it amusing. A little thrilling. A sort of comfort from it. She drew me up close to Her the day that Jenn was to arrive, really noticeably. And let go the day after she left here. Now...whether She did that for Herself, for me or for both of U/us...it doesn't really matter. The end result is what matters. She knew I was gonna need Her strength & support for that time period. THIS is what I kept trying to explain to Jenn about D/s. It's not about the physical. It's the emotional. It's knowing your partner...their needs. Kat has always been really good about picking up on the times that She needed to step up. She's missed some, too. But when I'm not totally honest with her about what's going on & what I think I need from Her sometimes...she's not a mind reader. There are times when my life engulfs me...sometimes in a matter of minutes & there's no time to explain anything. She gets bogged down in her own life, too, & her attention is scattered so she can't see as clearly as she can other times. Communication...whether subtle or obviously blatant...is KEY. Neither one of us can do D/s 24/7. And we both know it. But what keeps me Hers...is the times like this when she just automatically knows what to do, without me having to beg for it. I'm not sure that this dynamic is something that can be TAUGHT to someone. There's not a explanation for it so how could it be taught?? At any rate, I appreciate what she does. Even if I don't tell her that I do. I should tell her more often. She likes recognition & praise...but sometimes I just feel so silly...so stupid...not to mention, when I make a point of thanking her...it puts me more firmly into my position...heh... ;-)

Jenn texted me a little last night. I wasn't all that responsive to her. Mostly...cuz I don't know what she wants. Or what she's up to. I ran through my ability of "giving her a chance". She didn't want it. Didn't take advantage of it. I guess...really...I'm in that bizarre little spot with her where I'm just apprehensive. It'd be like if Neenah, Lee or Kathy were to contact me. Apprehensive about letting them back into my circle. That's where I am with Jenn. That strange place between being OVER the relationship & a tiny piece of me still willing to be a friend, after everything that's happened. I hate that spot...grrr!