Hmm...

Had texted mom that I wasn't gonna come over on Thursday...cuz I've been sick since Sunday. Well, that led into 20 questions about what was wrong, etc. She ended up suggesting Excedrin Migraine--which I've never used! The regular...Extra Strength has always worked just fine. Made a comment to Kelli about it. She said that's what she'd taken to get rid of hers & that we had some there at the store. So I took some. Being sick was only an excuse not to go to mom's. I just don't wanna go. It's Thanksgiving. I don't want to participate. Plus, I don't want to waste the gas...seeing as I'm almost on empty & won't have enough left to last the rest of the month if I go! Ugh. *sighs* Whatever.

I ended up leaving work at 4:45. Was still pretty miserable & Kelli was willing to stay the extra hour since she was still feeling good. Cindy gave us a $25 Publix Gift Card for Thanksgiving. Well, that's useful! :-) Except...stupid me...my head killing me & being in a complete mental state ANYWAY right now...wasn't thinking...hey DUMMY--don't go to a grocery store 2 days before Thanksgiving!! Yeah...big mistake! Ughh...

Jenn started texting me later in the evening. Started with what sounded like a BS intro...she asked if I've been sick cuz she'd dreamed I was in the hospital. Mmk... o.0 Whatever. We continued chatting. Said she's going to therapy, to work on her anger issues. Again, immediate reaction was...BS! But if she really is...I hope it helps her. After that point, I kinda got lost in the convo. She started talking...like she does sometimes...using lots of words but not much of it makes a lot of sense. *shrugs* I think I get that way with her a lot cuz...I don't believe her. Whether it's just a simple trust issue, or I expect her to just lie to me, or I'm just pre-programmed to assume most things people say are JUST words & not an actual honest feeling...I'm not sure. :/ At any rate, I ended up re-adding her to FB. We'll see what happens...

I went to bed at 10...like I'm supposed to. But that didn't exactly work! Argh. I gave up from tossing & turning at 11 & got back up.

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. Pooh! he whispered. Yes, Piglet? Nothing, said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. I just wanted to be sure of you." AA Milne

I texted Kat...not expecting a response...lol. Especially didn't expect Ben to start texting...haha!! :D I haven't really talked to him since Jenn 1st got here. He was sick, got aggravated about the drunk phone call & I thought he was mad at me about talking to Kat too much & then he was gone for 2 weeks...etc, etc...so I've not had the courage to text him 1st. Anyway, we texted back & forth for a while.

I'm in a real funk. Kat is concerned about me feeling "abandoned" when I'm really just "hiding" from her. She's right. Unfortunately. This time of year throws me over the edge & I have been avoiding her. I've been avoiding everyone kinda. But her especially. It makes me terrified of her. This is when she threw me away. I automatically & unconsciously go back to that time period. 2 years ago, I was IN it. Last year, I went into complete meltdown mode. So far, I've not totally gone off the deep end this year. But...I have her...& Ben...as anchors, this year. It makes a difference. But...I have to figure out how to reach out to them...to touch them when I need the reassurance that they're really there. I've not heard her voice since Friday...& I won't til Monday, most likely. I'm in this bog & can't hear her & it makes me sink a little deeper. Text is ok...but it doesn't totally do the trick. That's mostly due to the fact that I've been over text & online stuff...for years now. :/ But...it is what it is. *shrugs*

They're still making references to me coming up there after xmas. I can't. Even if I was ok, emotionally...I still can't. Airfare for that time period is UTTERLY ridiculous!!!!! Yes...I've been looking...*chuckles*. Like $900!! Seriously?! No fucken way can I let her do that! She won't promise me no attempt at sex & I don't want to lose them over sex so I REALLY don't want to even go there with them. And if she spent that kind of money to get me there...I'd feel obligated. I just don't even want to be in that position...no matter how much I really & truly want to see her...under all of the fear of doing so. *sighs*

So...anyway...I finally laid back down at 1 am but still didn't really fall asleep for a long while. Up at 5 am &...yeah...I'm SO not awake! At all. Is this day over yet?? :/

On a brighter note...after 3 doses of Excedrin Migraine now...I'm starting to get some relief! Yay! Off to work I go...