New Year...& Stuffs...

So...Sebastian is utterly *infested* with fleas!! UGH!! :-( No idea where they came from either for him to be so covered so quickly. :/ I gave him a bath Wed & his entire head was just SWARMING with them!! They were running into his ears, eyes, nose & mouth. I was just beside myself! The fact that he was bleeding, too, didn't help my panic level. No idea where he was bleeding from but the water was completely ruddy! *sighs* So Kelli brought over some Advantage last night. He, of course, being the socially inept kitteh that he is, spazzed out & hid til she was gone. I applied it a few minutes later. Then the rest of the night he was just SPAZZ-TASTIC!! OMG. *scratch* *scratch* *lick* *lick* *lick* *lick* *scratch* SPAZZ ATTACK!! Runnnnnn!!!!! SPAZZ ATTACK!!!! *scratch* *scratch* *lick* *lick* *lick* Til after midnight sometime. *sighs* I woke up this morning with him under the covers, curled around my feet...lol. He feels better today. Not as scratchy. No spazzing. And he's back to just licking me! ;-p Hopefully...it's working & he's getting some relief!! I *SO* suck at being a Mommie!! *cries*

The store is closed tomorrow but since I've been stuck up front for days, I have flats piled up of books that need to be put out. Not to mention, a lady brought a carload AND a truckload of boxed up books in today that need to be processed sooooo...Cindy asked if I'd come in tomorrow & put books away & process...for time & a half. I had nothing planned but laundry. It can wait! LOL Depending on how much I get done tomorrow, I may go in on Sun, too.

So, yeah, Happy New Year & all that BS! ;-p I don't eat out very often anymore. Can't afford it. But...since it's New Year's Eve & all...I treated myself to Pizza Hut. :-) Not like I got invited to go anywhere tonight anyway. Not that I would've gone!! That kiss at midnight thing is just plain awkward & embarrassing unless you're with someone...

Speaking of New Year's...2010 has GOT to be better than 2009! I mean, no friends, no lovers, no partners, no family, no friends with benefits, no nothing means...no drama, no pain, no heartache. Therefore, I can ONLY deduce that this year will be better than last...right?? Whatever. Cest la vie...

12-27...A Year Later...

Sometime yesterday while I was at work, the internet quit working! Judy wasn't home when I got home. I fixed dinner & watched the only Netflix dvd that I had. Judy got home at 9 & started trying to fix the internet. I was fit to be tied at this point! LOL In the past, I would've been that way with no internet cuz of my "friends" online. Not anymore. I have that shitload of movies in my Netflix Instant that expire on the 1st & I don't want to lose em before I can watch em! lol *shrugs* Anyway, around 10, she figured out the router had taken a shit! UGH!! :-( Sooo...I started reading. Went to sleep around 11 pm. Woke up at 3 am & read untl 7 am. Went back to sleep til 11:30 am. Still no internet. And, yes, I knew what today was. But, I think, in a way, I was trying NOT to dwell on it! Maybe why I was so nuts about not being able to just watch movies all day! :/ So then Judy brings me a stack of dvds to entertain me til her & John can get the new router working...lol. Took them all afternoon! Finally got internet back around 5 pm & guess what I've been doing since?! Watching movies!! LOL

Today...the date...has been constantly niggling at the back of my mind since...well, hell...for WEEKS now! A year ago today, my world was shattered in Seattle. I keep remembering bits & pieces of the day. Like: Anna being there & helping bring my stuff out. I couldn't look at her. She wasn't supposed to be there!! I remember shoving the Weird Washington book at Kat & dropping the manicure set on the ground. Rachael's matted photograph that I loved so much. Xmas presents. I remember getting to Sea-Tac only to discover Enterprise wasn't located there! Had to go back to Federal Way to drop off the car, get a cab back to Sea-Tac...only to have missed my flight & got on standby for the next one. I remember it was starting to snow...again. I remember feeling completely hollow & empty. I remember being completely nervous meeting Kathy at Phoenix. I remember that ride from Phoenix to Flagstaff & the snow reappearing. I remember not completely being able to deal with my emotions of those 1st few days...not til months later. And that is where I am now. Emotionally void of it all. A year later. I'm still angry & hurt about everything. Losing all of the hopes & dreams I had in an instant. Losing the family that I'd grown to love. Losing my Mistress & best friend. Being abandoned. Being broken. It's all still there...a year later. Still there, still aching, still burning, still breaking me. But maybe I'm finally just accepting that it is what it is & I almost ignore the pain of it now? The pain is just a part of my psyche at this point.

And so...I go back to watching movies so I can ignore the pain...

Good Riddance, Xmas!!

Thank Gawd that's OVER!! Ugh. Actually...the day wasn't horrible. Though...technically, for me, it was just *another* day. I did really well in not acknowledging that it was "Christmas". I think I actually only voiced the sentiment "Happy Holidays" to a handful of people. Mostly my response when the sentiment was thrown at me was "Thanks. You, too!" That is the equivalent of saying "Ditto"...right?? ;-) Anyway...I was at my mom's by 1 pm to eat lasagna & watch The Hangover. That was a hilarious movie!! :D I'd heard of it but because I no longer watch tv, I hadn't seen any trailers for it & so I had no clue what it was supposed to be about! haha It was great! The girly screams were the BEST!! *giggles* I was home by 6 pm. I have a shitload of movies in my Netflix Instant queue that are expiring on the 1st so I will be watching movies almost nonstop for the next few days. lol *shrugs* That's ok cuz the book I'm on now, I'm having a helluva time getting into. :/ Well, off to work in a few...

Xmas Eve...

I am *officially* pathetic!! :/ Earlier, I was eating spaghetti, watching Return To Me, crying & Sebastian was alternating between licking the garlic bread & licking the tears from my cheek. :/

I'm gonna read now. No sappy shit in the books that I read...*sighs*

Bah humbug...

Alone...

Time. It's a quirky little thing...

All I can think about is getting off tomorrow at 2 pm & coming home so I can be alone. Be able to watch movies & read. Sleep. Snuggle with Sebastian. Time to just not care. Then I'm off Fri. Hafta go to my mom's for dinner (1 pm) but I don't plan on staying long after. Wanna be back home. To be alone. I work regular hours Sat, off Sun, regular hours Mon & off Tue. I'm craving having so much time off right now. It's a necessity really. I need the down time just to be able to get through this *time* alone. However, I'm gonna be hating life when I get my sorry paycheck! :/ Whatever. It is what it is & I gotta do what I gotta do. I'm replaying this timeframe from last year repeatedly in my mind. I don't know how to stop that. I just know that I need to make it through this time...

Snow, Snow Everywhere...but Here!!

Almost all of my peeps on FB are getting snow & are posting pics of their snowfall. It makes me...sad. Lonely. It's a reminder. The worst part of it is that I have several friends in the Seattle area even! *sighs* And, I realize, that I miss it. Which is odd. All of my life, I've *HATED* cold weather & snow. That's why Florida was such a perfect fit for me. The 9 years I lived here before...I felt *home* simply because I never had to deal with cold weather. Now...I feel alien here. Out of place. Last year, when it 1st started snowing, I started freaking out. But, somehow, Kat & the girls managed to turn those feelings around. She made it magical, exciting, fun, beautiful. Watching Bella romp around in it as happy as a pig in mud was hilarious. I...you know, I just don't get it. She abandoned me, snowed in for a week, I couldn't leave the house. 2 days after xmas, my world shattered & I was tossed out in the cold, alone, without any of my belongings & I had to figure out how to be safe overnight until I could get my things from her & make my way to the airport to escape Seattle. You would think...that the bad memories would turn me completely against snow. Just like the bad memories have turned me against almost everything else (friendship, love, trust, faith, xmas!)...

I don't know why I miss snow. I don't know why I miss the Seattle area. Except that the short time that I was there, I felt like I was *home* again...

UGH!!

Today was a very long-ass day!! :-( It seemed as if I'd never get home, away from people. I was grouchy, on edge, nervous, even somewhat pissed off. I just have ZERO ability to deal with people right now. I don't want to deal with people. I just want to hermitize, bury my head, crawl under the covers & forget that anything exists. But, once I got home, all of that drifted away. Had dinner & have been reading ever since. Finally finished the 1 book for book club. I've gone back to the one I started ages ago that Amanda had given me. I have a few of those...that I started & then stopped to start another one for book club. :/ Now I'm getting sleepy though. I'm off tomorrow. I plan on another all-day-in-jammies day. I can't muster enough energy for anything else...

Lazy Sunday!!

Today has been quite the lazy day, just like I wanted! I've been in my jammies ALLLLLL day! ;-p I've really enjoyed it. The only thing "productive" that I've done today is wash dishes...heh. ;-)

Sebastian has seen his reflection in the mirror & does NOT like it one bit!! lol Of course, he spazzes out whenever someone other than me comes in the apt, too! Ha! I really shouldn't be too surprised about that. He's just like his Mama---socially inept! ;-p

He got a bath today finally. The one I've been putting off since I got him. lol But he got it cuz I saw worms on his butt & I freaked out! :/ Gotta get him some meds. But he actually survived the bath better than I expected. He LOVES his brush!! LOL

Other than that, I watched the 3rd ep of Dexter on the dvd that I have & have read all afternoon. 1 of the 2 books that were assigned for last month for book club. lol I'm only halfway through it!

I did play around with my digital camera settings a bit. I've not been impressed by the shots I've been getting but I'm not a manual reader either. :/ I, really...I've had every intention of asking Kat for tips...seeing as she is the one that recommended this particular camera. *sighs* But...she's not available.

It truly is ironic how few things in my life do NOT remind me of her or the family in some form. It's pathetic actually...

Oh, well...back to reading I go...

Busy!!

Today was NUTS! And I didn't even get the full effect of it! I finished my project but got pulled away countless times to help with customers. I'm just glad I finished it.

I want to be a hermit tomorrow. I'm off & I just wanna stay inside all day. I think I may need to go to Publix though. *sighs*

I wanna nap. It's almost 8:30 pm. lol I COULD nap & be up in the middle of the night. I dunno. Maybe I'll just watch the 1st disc of Season 3 of Dexter. I really just wanna sleep & not do anything or...something. *shrugs*

Tiny Project...

Today wasn't bad. Worked on a tiny project of swapping 2 sections of books in room 3 today. Wouldn't have been affected by the massive overhaul that's coming anyway. But I only got halfway done. Hopefully can finish up tomorrow. Just gonna be me, Cindy & Kelli tomorrow so dunno. Yay. Go me. Ugh. *rolls eyes* I'm aching now though from the moving of those hardbacks all day. :/ Stacy suggested the heating pad. Might hafta. :/ Cindy replaced the main computer that's been shot to hell for a while now. I helped Stacy with the set-up but we can't get it to see the network connection so there's no internet access. BrightHouse & Office Depot tech supports were completely useless!! *shock*

It's movie time. And heating pad time. And...Sebastian snuggles time. Peace out...

Stress-Free!

Today was a decent day. Was just us minions there today (me, Stacy, Amanda & Lori), no bosses (Kelli & Cindy). I like those days. There's no stress! When both Cindy & Kelli are there, you can cut the tension with a knife! :/ Either 1 of them there without the other is ok, too. Not that I necessarily feed into the tension too much. I just can't. I've got too much going on in my own bubble to take on anything else. But, still, it affects me enough that I don't like being there.

Mike (Cindy's hubby) came in to show me & discuss the options he has for adding onto the shelving units in Room 3. I'm excited! I'm *SO* ready to get this project started!! I'm not looking forward to the weeks & weeks of shifting & moving an entire room of books but I'm ready for the end result. My OCD has me going nuts the way that room is set up right now.

I'm tired. Didn't go to sleep til 2 am & was up at 5:30 am. :/ Think I'll watch a few eps of The Hunger. It's a Showtime series from the late 90s that I found on Netflix. It's...ummm...quite bizarre!! LOL Then maybe I'll read before I crash. I've GOT to start devoting more time to reading!! I have no room left in my bookcase for the books I wanna read! ;-p

Somber-ness...

Today was...a really...low-key kinda day for me. It wasn't intentional. Just...no joy. Not sad. Just...blah. So, on those days, I tend to be really quiet. Everyone at work noticed. Ugh. *rolls eyes* Kelli came as the spokesperson for the 3 of them & asked if I was ok. I *am* ok. Just...I hate this time of year. I have for years. I always get a little down anyway. This year, it feels a lot worse than in years past. *sighs* Then Stacy came out to have a smoke with me once & she was talking to me. It bothered her that I wasn't giggly & normal. Again, not intentional & nothing I can really do to lift that mood. She kept saying we need to have a Girls Night & get me drunk so I can cry it out or whatever. lol What she doesn't understand is that I already cry. A lot. Crying doesn't help. Just makes me frustrated! :/ Me...drunk...when I'm like this...does NOT make for a good combo! ;-p Getting drunk is not what I need. I need time. About 2 weeks...lol. Get past these stupid freaking holidays!! Then I can go back to my normal low. Ha! *shrugs*

So we had our monthly book club meeting tonight. Not our NORMAL meeting, of course (freaking holidays ruin yet something else!). lol No, really...it was fun. We ate (like normal) but had more desserts than normal. And we added alcohol to the mix! haha I had 2 shots of Tequila Rose. Had never even heard of that before! YUM!! And a daquiri. Maybe Stacy is right...? I did feel a little better after the shots...hmm. Anyway, then we had our Chinese Ornament Exchange. That was funny! I ended up with a little black penguin. He'll blend into my black xmas tree! ;-) Then we played a game called Left-Right-Center. A dice game. I'd never heard of it either. I won the 1st pot. Jen won the last one. Then it was 9 pm & Judy, Amanda & Stacy were leaving so I left, too. I'm gonna be up late cuz I'm out of my routine but I did need to go ahead & come home to start unwinding.

Sebastian was just RETARDED when I got home! LOL O. M. G. He was talking (or rather...squeaking cuz he hasn't exactly learned how to meow yet!) non-stop & ALLLLLL over me for like an hour! Granted, this is the 1st time since I've had him that he's been home alone for 12 hours... :/ He's calmed down now but he's not venturing too far away from me yet.

Maybe I'll watch this vampire movie of Lori's. I'm gonna be up anyway. And I've started *really* slacking with FB. I don't think I've updated my status since Saturday...

An Urge To Write Again...

I'm back! Wow. It's been...8 months since I last wrote here. I started getting the urge to start writing again earlier so...here I am. You know, that comes & goes with me. Wanting...or, rather, needing to write. It's always been a form of therapy for me.

So...a LOT has happened in the last 8 months! Let's see...yes, Kat & I randomly still speak. No, nothing has been resolved with us. Yes, I'm still in love with her & still miss her. Or maybe I'm not in love with her?! I was asked the other day how I could love someone that treated me as she has. The short answer is...I dunno! I miss the girls. I miss Bella. Hell...some part of me even misses Ben. Apparently they have been having issues the last few months. Even have discussed divorce. But I don't know very much of what's going on cuz she doesn't talk to me. Has every access available & just ignores it. Some things never change...

I am still working at the bookstore I interviewed at just before I stopped writing. I like it. Lots of changes have happened there, too. Judy sold the business to Cindy in September. The changes she's made have caused tidal waves...lol. Kelli is perpetually unhappy. I've gotten close to Amanda & Stacy. Joined a Paranormal Book Club with Amanda. Not that I ever finish any of the specified books! lol I may have to really start looking for another job though. I'm not making enough money here & now that I have a vehicle & an apartment...life is hard to afford! :/

Uhh...let's see...Neenah & I went our separate ways in June. She's no longer my Cookie. I miss her but...it was her choice. Although, we've kinda almost sorta reconnected now...she's back on my FB, at any rate. All of the hell I've been through with Kat...I now have a super fantastic aversion to chasing people. You know, me always being the one to contact them, always me putting forth the effort to maintain the friendship. I simply can't do it. With anyone. And so, Neenah & I drifted apart. The same situation (only a little more involved) happened with Kathy. We don't speak at all. She's completely deleted from everything she was attached to. Fuck her. Tanya & I reconnected. I still have small issues with that. Sometimes it just feels like normal & everything is as it was. But sometimes, I get a little freaked out. Trust issues, you know? I have them with *EVERYONE* now. Lee & I rarely chat anymore. I refuse to chase her, too. So...life is quiet for the most part. Not many people remain in my circle.

New apartment. :-) Just before Thanksgiving, I moved out of my mom's & closer to work. I rent a studio apartment from Judy. It's her attic. lol I'm happy here!! :D I feel like I'm grown again...haha. Oh!! And I have a baby boy. His name is Sebastian! See below. ;-)







And here it is, almost xmas. Almost D-Day. D-Day = 1 year anniversary of my world exploding in Seattle. I've yet to recover. And, I'm noticing, that I'm withdrawing into myself the closer those dates come. Maybe why the urge to write again? *shrugs* No idea. Zero xmas spirit. I despise the holiday now. Bought a black xmas tree to commemorate that. After all, last xmas, I was abandoned & snowed in for a week, when she SWORE she'd not do that to me...then 2 days later, my world was in chaos. Not sure I will EVER have xmas spirit again after that.

So, anyway, I'm back. For now. And updated. Somewhat. We'll see how it goes...lol

A Muted Recovery...

After 6 hours of silence tonight, she wins...

My attempting to reconnect with her in this last couple of weeks, let her close again, talk to her...was NEVER about her! Had absolutely zero to do with her & her feelings at all. It was an attempt in finding a way for me to recover from her from the past year & a half & *especially* the last 3 months or so. I need closure with this. If I can't get it, I don't know that I'm ever going to be able to be anywhere near whole again.

But she's a selfish c*nt. I took off my rose-colored glasses finally. I don't give away everything just to show her respect that she threw away the ability to command. I see her for what she is rather than the fake entity she portrayed herself as in order to snare me so long ago. She's pure evil. And weak. And fake. And I hate her so very much for that.

So she wins. It can now go back to being all about her again. I'm not involved whatsoever. Not with her anyway. I hope her biggest fear doesn't happen so that she ends up being alone thinking it's still all about her...I can't manage to hate her that much to wish that upon her...& yet I'm the evil one! Go figure....

Let's Just Avoid It...

It's been 2 days now & neither of us have spoken to each other. I was off yesterday, too. She wasn't online much, I don't think. Her Yahoo status was either idle or "**sleeping**" all day & night. I gave up at midnight & went to sleep. I turned my Yahoo on on my phone at my lunch break. She wasn't online. She's not online now either. Or...she's invisible to me. Whatever. I don't want to contact her. I don't want to give in to her. I don't want to give in to my own emotions. I don't want to miss her or need something to be said that's civil. But I do anyway...fuck. *sighs*

I just can't figure out why I can't stop giving a shit. As much damage as she's done...I still...ffs. I wish I were the evil being she thinks I am. I *wish* I could do her harm or wish it upon her. Better yet, call it up on her, purposefully. I wish I could be everything she thinks I am. Then maybe it wouldn't matter so much that she thought those things....

Saying Goodbye...

I think I know that I have to finally & unequivocally just give up. Throw in the towel. Accept the wrongs against me. Accept that I can't right anything that's happened. Accept that I have no choice in the matter. Just...accept it...all of it...& go on. I can't say "move on" cuz I truly think I've died...my soul...has died in this spot right here. It was only hanging on by a mere thread anyway. A tiny shred of hope kept breathing a bit of life into it every so often. Just not enough to sustain it any more. But I can't keep trying. I can't keep trying when I'm the only one that thinks there's a reason to try. I can't keep holding onto the past & believing her lies. I can't keep falling for her lines. I can't just "trust her" & let her lead the way cuz she's let me down so many times already with that. I can't. I can't keep lying to myself about her...I will not survive this if I keep trying to see the good in her. I just won't survive it....

I just can't tell her goodbye. And that's hard...extremely difficult...almost impossible for me to do. Needing closure is huge for me. Not saying it will mean forever open, raw sores. Learning to live with those will take talent & determination. Of which...I don't think I have nor have the strength to search for anymore...

*sighs*

And So It Goes...

I think, at 5 am (now yesterday morning), when she "put me in my place" & shut me down...I think it was in those last few moments that I knew where this was gonna go. I said to her that I will always "belong" to her whether I like it or not. I will always be that to her. She said she couldn't talk to me cuz she was pissed off. I'm not sure WTF she has to be pissed off about but whatever. Anyway. She shut me down by saying she couldn't answer me "now"...which, in the past, meant she needed some time & space to chill out. What it means now, however, I have no clue. But I've not bothered her at all today. Not attempted anything. I've been watching movies tonight & overheard a song...I'm crying. But...that's nothing new for me. Anyway, "And So it Goes" by Billy Joel:

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows


Like I said, I've made no attempt. She played her wild card at 5 am when she put me down on my knees. The ball's in her court. She is in control. I have *zero* rights in this at all...

She's driving....

Can't Fight That...

So tonight has been...rough. Somewhat heated convo with Kat. I am still fighting to uncover the truth of what happened & wtf is going on with her & Ben & just where all of this started falling apart. I need answers. I need to understand why he hates me so much. I need to know what she's thinking & feeling. I need to know all of this so I can figure out how to let go, if that's what I need to do or hold on still. I need to know where I stand. I need to know what to do. I keep standing still & I'm just sinking.

So...conversation. Well, no, I can't really call it that. She thought we were arguing. I was asking a million questions/making a million statements & she was not responding (much). Then Ben put in his 2 cents:

anyway, I will leave it in your capable hands. Just so you know where I am at. I don't want anything to do with her. I will not invite her into our home or anything like that. I actually refuse to talk with her at all. I don't see how it will ever work and she is just pulling the same old shit all over again that she pulls and you get dragged back into it all.

OMFG. Wow. Ok...umm...wow! He literally despises me and I've never done anything to him at all. 1st of all, it wasn't always me going to her in our fights, to make up. 2nd, she knows that what he's saying is untrue & has no merit whatsoever but yet she just goes with it. She doesn't defend me at all. That speaks volumes! I just *THOUGHT* that being thrown out in the middle of the night was the worst thing she could do to me...OMFG. Was I ever wrong?! She's *letting* him crucify me & staying silent about it. Wow. I'm so glad I was wrong about her still caring for me....can you just IMAGINE if she *didn't* care about me for real?! Crap. :/

What do you do in this situation? What can you possibly do in this situation?? Realize there's zero recourse, lick your wounds & move along. ??? I've no idea what to do or think now. I really seriously don't. Just...shocked. Totally. I think that is the ultimate betrayal to date. She is letting him hate me for reasons unknown. Maybe she truly is the devil afterall...

Psychological Warfare...

Any time spent without Kat is usually painful, at best. This last 3 months was 100x worse than that because of everything involved that had never been involved before. The moment I could *see* her again & get to have a conversation with her, there was this...massive...relief. Like I could relax again, I could exhale again...it was gonna be alright cuz she was there again. But, at the same time, we start talking about "us" & we both get tense, get upset, get frustrated & it's like...gawd! Why does it have to be like this?! Having lived through both sides of the situation, I would much rather she was a part of my life in some aspect than not at all. I don't have to think twice about that. It's not debateable. It's a given. However...that doesn't change the fact that things still get tense between us. I'm not trying to hurt her. Honest, I'm not. I'm searching to fill a hole in me. I'm almost spastic about it. I'm almost in a panic to feel "ok" again. I'm desperate....

I don't believe her that any of this hurt her. I don't believe her that she cared about me at one point. I mean, I do...just not completely. She always stayed at a distance to me. Was rare that she let me very close to her. Everything between us was always semi-secret from Ben & that weighed heavily on us. I didn't like being her "dirty little secret". And it wasn't that I was a secret but the depth of what we had, was unknown to him. It had to be that way. We spent a year & a half like this. I wasn't secure in it. I was afraid of Ben not accepting me. Constantly. I was afraid for him to become jealous or afraid of me & giving her an ultimatum. She would never choose me over him but for whatever reason, that's not something he'd ever believe. That petrified me cuz there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. That was between the 2 of them only. When I moved across the country to stay with her & help her out, he flipped out & she pushed me even farther away. My worst nightmare come to life. In the flesh. When she kicked me out in the middle of the night, I was in shock. No part of me could fathom her doing this to me. She couldn't do this...not if she ever cared about me in the least. 3 hours into the night, I realized that this was really happening & that she couldn't possibly have ever cared. I've not lost that realization to this day. All of the issues we ever had, all of the times that I doubted her feelings, all of the moments that I wondered if *maybe* she cared a tiny bit...all of that came to a crashing halt at 11 pm in a strange city in the freezing rain and I had nowhere to go for the night, nevermind that I had none of my belongings with me. All that was clear in those moments was that she didn't ever care about me at all.

She gets frustrated & upset when I rehash. She says it's been established that she's the devil. She was always the one that said that. I never said that. Everything that I ever needed from her, wanted from her, asked of her...everything...was always just too *much* for her to do. And even yet...I don't think she's the devil. I don't hate her. I still need her to be a part of my life. I'm better with her here....

Talking to Neenah & I tell her...the hardest part about this whole thing with Kat is that I lost everything. Absolutely everything. Kat didn't lose at all. She never felt the same about me as I did about her. Her dreams & goals are still intact. She still has her family. Her life is relatively unchanged. What Neenah said in response to that...wow...made me think. And not just briefly. If I could find it in myself to believe this, I might be able to turn a corner with this situation. Neenah's take on this is as follows:

It's always easiest for the one who doesn't have to make the biggest adjustment. Think of it like this, you lost everything that you'd gained and she lost you...that's a lot!!!! But not as much as you lost...a family basically that you were falling in love with. Also she did not get accused of the things you did...but then again...how much shit did she take off of Ben for the whole situation? It's a two edged sword and multiple people were hurt with all that happened. It sometimes helps me to know the hurt that others had, and then compare that to my own hurt and it kind of evens out. I would personally welcome her talking to me about how she felt, what happened, and why things happened the way they did. That way I would not only have a better understanding of what and why and when but be able to compare the feelings to my own. I would be greatly helped by understanding the other person. Sometimes it helps just to know you aren't the only one first of all...and personally when I can help someone else heal, it makes me feel better and who better to help than the person who hurt you the most...it is a bit of psychological warfare and a bit manipulative, but if you help them feel good when you are hurt, you're the better person and it's apparent to that person, if they are a good person...

Wow. Do I have the right to think she cared enough about me that I could equate her losing me to what I lost? That would take a lot of ego & self-worth on my part...of which, I really don't have. If I could wrap my head around that...wow...

I miss her terribly. In any sense of what we ever were. I just miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss listening to her. I miss her picking on me. I miss picking on her. I miss the jokes & innuendos. I miss the dreams we had. I miss all of it. The question is, I guess...does she miss it, too? And what will it take for me to believe her if she says she does....? :/

Realizations...Part 2...

I made it a point to give her the link to what I just blogged. Her response was: :-(

Are you freaking kidding me?! o.0

OMG...

I said to Neenah, shortly after..."at some point you'd think i'd realize she's not capable of *anything*..."

Her response: "...and at some point you may...." :-)

This is why I love my Cookie. I'm sobbing & snotting all over the place & she makes me laugh. For just one small second, she makes me laugh amidst the agony. The other one...can't be bothered...she's too busy being spastic in WoW....

At some point, you'd think I'd learn... *sighs*

Realizations...

I've waited 3 months to be able to talk to her again. *REALLY* talk to her about what happened. About how I feel, about everything. Finally have had the chance &...some things just never change. She ignores me. She doesn't "know what to say". I can't tell you how *hard* I've sobbed in the last few hours trying to talk to her. I'm literally sore. :/ Then she wanted me to try WoW (World of Warcraft) since that's what she's into nowadays. For the 1st several hours, I was just in there by myself, roaming about aimlessly. She came in & finally came to find me to "help" me out &...OMG...it was like a whirlwind!! Completely spastic & she just acted like I should know what the hell to do. 1st of all, I was in a virtual world with her again. That alone was...hard. Secondly, I don't have a clue what to do in there & I can't keep up with her. I finally told her to just go do her own thing & I logged out. I can't stop crying. I realize, after all this time, we are never going to be ok again. I don't know what to do with this knowledge...I seriously don't. I miss her so effin much & I can't...I don't...I...*breaks down & sobs*

Possibilities...

When I 1st got here, I made a list by going through the phonebook & writing down local businesses. I've since been going through that list, a little along, looking them up online to see if I could send my resume via email or not. So I was doing this a bit last Saturday. Going through my list & sending out emails. Mind you, I've not gotten any responses back from anyone except the "We're currently not hiring but we'll keep your resume on file for 60 days" crap. Then it happened. I got an email response! Was from a local bookstore. The reply said that she couldn't open the file format my resume was in so I replied back with an apology and attached 2 other formats of my resume. I also made the comment that I've been a reader/writer since childhood, that I am currently working on a novel idea and that I'd love to be able to submerse myself into that world farther. I got another reply from her within moments. She simply stated that she was off on Monday but for me to drop by the store some other time. That was it. No specifics. No nothing about whether she was hiring or not. Nothing. But I laughed. I jumped off the bed & laughed out loud. It felt really *good*...being excited! I've not been excited in forever it seems. It felt really, really good! :-)

When I'd tired of going through my list, I went & glanced at Craigslist. Saw an ad there for a nanny. Typically I'd not apply for anything like this. I've not done it in years, have zero current references for it & I just don't think I'd have a shot at it. I don't have a shot at really any job, it seems. Anyway, I guess what drew me to this ad the most was that she was asking for relocation to be an option. I'm open to relocation. Definitely. That's all I've been doing for months & months! lol But, more than that...the short time spent with the girls made me realize something. It made me realize that I missed being with kids. I missed being needed. I missed caring for someone who needed me. *sighs* So I emailed her. Told her my story, sort of. That I've just moved here, am starting over from scratch after moving across the country for love & it being ripped away from me & then being thrust into a world of chaos where I had nowhere to go, no one to rely on, and I landed here as a last resort. I have no vehicle & I can't get one til I gain employment. That I have nothing against a background check but the Simple Battery charge would be there & I told her about that story (funny how a complete stranger understood that situation when my best friend of 30 yrs never could see it & my supposed significant other didn't believe me). That I don't do drugs & I don't have a drinking problem. And lastly, I had no qualms about relocation.

Yesterday afternoon, I ventured off & found the bookstore. Went in & had a walkabout the store & a chat with Miss Judy. It is small but crammed FULL of new & used books everywhere! I saw 3 kitties in there. One was on the front counter & took to me immediately. The other 2 were curled in a rocking chair in the back. Judy is 70ish, has had this store for about 40 years & yes, she's hiring. She wants to retire & is hoping to groom someone to take her place. Her daughter works there, too, so I'm not sure why she won't just take the store over. As we walked & chatted, she asked about my "roaming" & I explained (without truly going into detail). She seemed to like the fact that I took the opportunity to explore a possibility & got to see a bit of the world in the process. She & her daughter both actually said they admired me for taking that kind of a chance. She liked the fact that although I'm non-degreed, I'm well aware of what I'm capable of doing & what experience I already have that backs that up. When I said that I have basically just gone into a company & picked up where they needed me to & run with it, she smiled & said that's exactly what she's looking for. She liked my age (though she couldn't ask, I told her lol) & that I'm not a "kid" looking for a paycheck. She liked the fact that I smiled & giggled & seemed "happy". Looks can be deceiving, eh?! ;-) Seriously...I am *ok* right now. Guess it shows. She asked if I was prejudiced at all or racist. I said no before she could finish but she said there were 7 women that worked there. Then she asked if I had anything against gays or am I tolerant of the lifestyle. I chuckled & said no, I have no issues with anyone being gay. So, apparently...someone (maybe more than 1) there is les? *smiles* Then she asked about the driving distance. I explained that, for now, I'd just do it but ultimately I want to get my own place, when I can afford it & I will most likely get a place close to wherever I find employment. She smiled & said that her daughter was interviewing another girl tomorrow (today) & that she'd call me. It's minimum wage, FT. I felt good. I feel good about the chance of getting this. I think I'd really like it, too. And mom has no qualms about the 30 minute drive in her car. *sighs* You'll understand that here in a minute...

Then today, I got an email response from the woman wanting the nanny. She simply said she'd been where I am & that she'd like to talk to me. She gave me her phone # but it was missing some numbers so I replied back with my phone #. She called later & we talked for a good bit. She's a single mom with 3 kids (2 boys & a girl ages 9, 7 & 5, respectively). She's finishing her BA up this year & takes classes during the day, works 3 nights a week at a bar & would need someone to keep the kids those nights. Would have to sleep there because she wouldn't get home til about 4 am. Ultimately, she's contemplating moving a couple hours away from here & would like the nanny to then become a live-in & move with them. The house she's looking at has a garage apartment that the nanny would stay in. And if I hadn't gotten a vehicle yet, I could use her's if I needed to. So while she's still here, it'd be $10/hr for less than 20 hrs a week. It's a 45 minute drive from here, too. As a live-in, it'd be a trade off...room & board in exchange for keeping the kids when needed. And my days would be free so I could have a normal job, too. She wants me to come meet her & the kids Friday at 3 pm. I think this would be cool for me, in many ways. So I'm telling my mom about it & before I can even finish, she says it's too far away, I've not got a way to get over there cuz I'm not putting those miles on her car. Then I started trying to explain about the possible live-in & she said for me not to be stupid & get into the same situation I was in in Seattle. *sighs* Neenah asked me if she realizes this is not the same thing as that was. She does. She's just not admitting to it. We've not "discussed" the situation with Kat & I but I did explain what it was, without a lot of detail. *sighs* Whatever. Anyway, I guess I'll have to call her back tomorrow & tell her I can't even contemplate the opportunity since I don't have a way of getting there. *shakes head*

To top off the day, I requested friendship with Kat on FB again. She accepted. Without a word, she accepted. I didn't think she would. I'm not even real sure why I offered. Of everything that was lost in all of this with us, I lost my best friend. I miss her. I miss the girls. I miss Ben. I miss Bella. I miss THEM, period. The whole family. And once I had access to her profile, it was obvious she's not doing much on there. There's not many updates to it. She's not very active. Which, I'm not surprised really. But I had a huge sense of relief being able to see her again. It's extremely difficult being totally isolated from her. Neenah asked what I want from this. I don't know. I didn't attempt to speak to her. I have no intention of making any comments on her profile. But I can see her again & somehow, that makes this not quite as hard to survive. I don't know! I don't know how to explain it! I'm not moving on too easily being separated from her. I don't know what else to do. I don't want her back. I don't want to be a part of her family anymore-not in the way we'd intended at 1 point anyway. But I miss my best friend. I really would like to have that back somehow....after all, I didn't do anything *wrong*!! I didn't deserve to be treated like a criminal. I didn't deserve any of it. I don't deserve to continue to hurt over it either....

. . .

. . . don't push me . . .

. . . i'm not ok . . .

Relatively Dysfunctional Oh's...

How do you feel when you are with your family? How are you *supposed* to feel? Family. Relatives. Blood. Kin. The social construct of man for all eternity. Your family is your proof of where you came from, that from which you were created, that with which you will carry on the genetic legacy, that unseen tie-that *something* that lets you forgive all sins against you cuz "they're family".

Looking back, I didn't have a horrible childhood, per se. Not as bleak as I like to portray it sometimes. It wasn't The Brady Bunch or The Cosby Show but it wasn't great. Hell...it wasn't even good much. I remember when I was little, before I became jaded, I'd tell Mama all the time "I love you." I'd say it, draw her pictures or leave her notes. Random. Out of the blue. Just because I felt like saying it. She'd reply, "I love you, too, Punkin." And then she'd beat me or rip me to shreds with how ugly & awful & stupid & fat I was. Within a few years, I stopped telling her that I loved her because it didn't matter. She was still going to hurt me, no matter if I loved her or not.

I don't *DO* family. Or, at the very least, MY family. And I haven't a clue how to trust other families to not be fake. Not be hiding some deep, dark secret beyond the facade they portray. But, that goes to just people in general, too. I get around my relatives...mom, grandmother, uncles, aunts, cousins...& I immediately brace myself for the barrage of condemnation & insults. The entire time, my body is physically strung tight against this. I usually hurt afterwards, when I can relax again. I look at my family & I know that I don't like them. I have nothing in common with them. I see where I came from & I don't identify with it at all. I see these people that I've not seen in a year or 10 years or 20 years & I immediately feel crushed under the weight of them. I'm insignificant, I'm just there to be ridiculed & talked about, I'm just useful enough for them to have topics of conversation over. I wish I were invisible to them or didn't exist at all. I don't have any need to be a part of this condescending, ridiculing, berating, racist, judgemental, humiliating, ignorant collection of blood relatives. At the same time, I feel a sense of *connection* to them though. Because "they're family". I don't like them but I can't deny them either?

When I was in my mid-20s, I went through a period of time where I was *craving* having a child. Had no use to be married & create a "family" but I wanted a child. And I went through a handful of men that I slept with, unprotected, *hoping* for an "accident". Was with them once each because it wasn't about them but what they could create for me. I didn't want them. Then I realized...my family...is hereditary! That stopped me in my tracks right then & there. No way would I be cruel enough to purposefully shackle any child of mine to my family & what it brings to the table. No way. From that point on, I swore off men.

I swore off relationships period. I spent years being distant from my family & felt somewhat "human" because of it. But I didn't get close to anyone else either. As I got older, I steered clear of sexual/intimate relationships because I feel so inept. Being submissive, I don't know how to tell someone "no" when that is definitely what I want to say. I don't want to upset them. I don't want to not please them. I don't want to let them down. So I get into the situation & whatever happens, happens but I tend to disappear afterwards. Only once have I gotten so close to someone that they experience my inadequacies, my vulnerabilities, my lack of knowledge & experience & I *DON'T* run immediately away from them! Once. *sighs* I've not had...The Big Oh. I get close & then...just lose it. I keep saying "I'm broken". I ran across a description of Female Orgasmic Disorder. It says: Some research suggests that failure to achieve an orgasm for women is related to intimacy issues, feelings of fear and anxiety, and a sense of not being safe within the intimate relationship or relationships in general. And that makes sense. Considering. I mean, I always had that issue but I was never vested in these encounters before either. There was no "relationship". It was just sex. But casual sex is beyond weird for me cuz I'm so emotion-based that I can't fathom being THAT intimate with someone & not being attached to them emotionally. The *ONE* time that I approached that level of intimacy & relationship, I still wasn't secure in it. My gut told me constantly that I wasn't wanted, needed in this relationship like I was being told that I was. However, the promise was always there that I would be "taught" the ways of love & the world. I would be "created" & "molded" for them. By them. Together. She would create that experience for me. I would do it for Her. And Him. It was a repeated promise. Over & over. So NOW that that is just a broken promise & I'll never learn any of that from them...when I try to get intimate, I fail. I'm broken. I *only* want to experience & learn these things with Them. They were supposed (according to The Promise) to be my first everything. They were supposed to create me, teach me, let me grow with them. And that is weighing heavily on me today.

I'm standing at a crossroads at the moment. I remember trying to have a new relationship...right after my world exploded. It didn't go well. I was offered everything that I'd begged another for but couldn't accept it. Couldn't let someone else take her place because I'd be "cheating" on her even though she doesn't give a rat's ass about me. I've finally realized that she doesn't care. I can't stop caring though. So I'm stuck still. I can't stop caring & I can't stop not thinking she's the only one that was supposed to get this part of me. Or both of them actually...but I digress. So maybe it was too soon before? Maybe a day after my world shattered & my future became black was too soon to jump into bed with someone else? I accept that on it's own merits. But what about now? Nearly 3 months later? That 1st Relationship After is damaged now & I don't know how to fix it anymore. We can't even speak anymore without it turning into an argument about why I left (job, finances or not being ready for another "relationship"). So I've just stopped speaking all together. I refuse to have another relationship like that in which all we do is argue. Which reminds me, I was watching Brothers and Sisters last night. There was an excerpt where Sarah was talking to Robert about Kitty. I'm going to have to paraphrase because I can't find the exact quote from the ep but, something to the affect of...she fights with passion & love for the things that truly matter to her, that which she loves. When she stops fighting, she's walking away, giving up on it. And I realized that is a LOT like me. If I don't fight for something, it's not all that important to me. I stopped fighting my family when I was just a child. I have fought Kat many times over the last months. I realize that I've stopped fighting with her or for her even. I've stopped fighting but I've not stopped caring, which puts me between a rock & a hard place. Now I've stopped fighting for this friendship. I no longer see the point in holding onto it if all it's going to be is one continuous argument. :/ I also have the potential for new relationships looming in the near distance. I worry that I can't do them...

*sighs*

When I woke up 2 hours ago, I knew today wasn't going to be a "good" day. I'm surrounded by negativity, loneliness, & despair. I'm surrounded by family, friendships that are tense, love that is shattered, attraction that is unsure & still no signs of employment. :/

I ran across this poem a bit ago...I liked it. I think I should share:

Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.


I'm craving that kindness like nothing I've felt before right now. Craving it & terrified of it at the same time.

History Repeats Itself...

So I've been spending more time in SL lately, on both accounts. Just like in the past...without fail, anytime Kat & I fought or broke up or whatever...I *always* would roam about SL aimlessly for hours on end. In these wanderings, I would discover songs that I would then attribute somehow to whatever I was feeling at that particular moment. It was utterly bizarre how that ALWAYS happened! So bizarrely so that I used to say "The music gods hate me!" All the freaking time. My playlists consists of somewhere around 400 songs. I would venture to guess more than half of those were all just overheard in SL initially. *sighs*

Well, it's happening again apparently. I mean, I've been hearing the familiar ones. One that had a couple of potential lines in it but not enough of the song was fitting for it to count. Well, I just heard one that fits. Fits this moment in time. Today was a relatively easy day. She didn't torture me so much so I guess it was bound to happen...

*sighs* Anyway..."Incomplete" by The Backstreet Boys

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you, within me I can find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess
I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is, incomplete
Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake
I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is, incomplete
I don't mean to drag it on
But I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I won't let you go..........
I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you what I'm going to be is, incomplete...
Incomplete....

Fuck!! Now I'm getting inundated!! *sighs heavily & cries* Right after this one, "Gives You Hell" by All American Rejects came on.

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far
You've never seem so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard,
Do you know where you are?
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where'd it all go wrong, the list goes on and on
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
Now you'll never see, what you've done to me
You can take back your memories they're no good to me
And here's all your lies,
You can look me in the eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song and sing along, oh you'll never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as wellHope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
And when you sing along I hope that it puts you through hell

Then, a song or 2 after this one..."Heartless" by Kanye West. I've caught bits & pieces of it over the last few days but never the whole thing. Well, of course, since the music gods are burying me tonight, I got the whole thing...

In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so,
Cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo
Just remember that you talking to me though
You need to watch the way you talking to me yo
I mean after all the things that we been through
I mean after all the things we got into
And yo I know of some things that you ain't told me
And yo I did some things but that's the old me
And now you wanna get me back
And you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend
Well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely
In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so Dr. Evil
You're bringing out a side of me that I don't know
I decided we weren't gonna speak so why we up 3 a.m. on the phone
Why does she be so mad at me for, homie
I don't know she's hot and cold
I won't stop, won't mess my groove up cause I already know how this thing goes,
You run and tell your friends that you're leavin' me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see,
You'll never find nobody better than me
In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless?
Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk,
Baby lets just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you
So I got something new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies
I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong and you can't make it right
Im gon' take off tonight
In to the night...
In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless? [2 times]

So, let's just finish it up now (if I can manage to stop here for the night...) with "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus that came on right after Kanye. *sighs*

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Whoa a oh oh

OMG!! I'm *SO* sick of the SL music gods tonight! GEEZ! Gotta get outta there before something else comes on....

Silver Lining?

Dare I say it? Things don't seem so bleak today. But will it last? *sighs*

After all...

Kat *always* tortures me nonstop.

NM is WAY awkward right now & I miss her.

AZ is gonna drive me to drink.

I had a convo with Lou the other day that just...damn, it was so good to talk to her for a few minutes! :D

Lee is still Lee. No matter what. Always tempting, sweet & a bitch all rolled up into one! ;-)

Tanya is annoying the hell out of me with the procrastination.

Tam isn't coming in SL so much but that's a good thing, too, cuz we've both discovered that neither of us are satisfied with it since we can't be the people we used to be in there, back in the day. But just seeing her thrills me. Every time.

Started talking to new local friends. A couple that kinda scares me cuz I don't know that I can go where they want to go yet. :/ And they're moving really, REALLY quick for me.

Another one that I've had an absolute blast with so far! :D I'm gonna get into trouble with her. I can feel it already! *chuckles*

AND...a REAL chance at getting a job! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Ok, that'd be beyond awesome! ;-)

I can sort of make out some light at the end of the tunnel but it's still so damned foggy that I'm just not certain...I can't be sure...I can't completely trust myself to take another step forward just yet...

Jumbled Up...

A mixture of things...

I'm exhausted today. My mind hurts. I took hours blogging this morning. Had to think really hard with that. It wore me out even more. I cried a lot with that one, which was tiresome, too.

Then I got an email from a friend & we were discussing my options of where to possibly move to &/or try to find a job at. She said something that pretty much stopped me cold. She said "People say things to someone they care about to be a good friend to them, to appear to be helpful, to offer support when it's needed...but they secretly hope that you never take them up on it." It was in that moment that I decided I had to stop wishing for something better than what I've got here & decided I'm stuck here (until I can win the lottery & go wherever I want). Just suck it up & deal with my situation as it is instead of trying to make it into something better.

The other night, Neenah had called me "kitten" & it hurt like hell. Like I'd been stabbed. I tried to tell myself that she was looking at me in SL as a neko & that's why but it doesn't matter. I was Kat's kitten before my AV went neko. She went neko *because* of the pet name. :/ So she was always neko to fit the name for Kat. *sighs* So I go in to SL tonight & Tam calls me "kitten". Again, same reasoning as Neenah but...still. I just had to stop, take a deep breath & realize in that moment I could do 1 of 2 things. I can de-neko to avoid being called "kitten" by anyone other than Kat or...I can just let it wash over me & know in my soul I was only ever her kitten & what others are meaning by it isn't the same as that was & move on. So far, I'm still neko.

But I'm not sure it even really matters. I'm not sure I can do SL for any length of time. My entertainment, my purpose, my reason for being in there, no longer exists! Period. End of story. I can't recreate that. I can't bring it back. I can't resurrect any of the past. And it was in the midst of cybering with some random stranger that started talking to me at a club...a guy...nice enough...but still...you'd have to know me to understand the depth of this. It was like absolutely nothing other than entertainment. I was carrying on 4 other convos at the same time. It meant absolutely nothing. I am not *connecting*. I'm not connecting at all to people. That being the reason I was able to nonchalantly do that. And it scared me. I don't want to become that person. I don't want to be that horrible fake person who goes around lying & hurting people in SL just cuz I have no soul. I can't become that person. I can't. I won't.

So, then, lastly, it comes out that I can't really go to NM as an option for moving. Which, is just as well, I suppose. My gut was telling me all along she wasn't serious in her offer. I certainly didn't know if I could take the chance of going there & then run into the issue of not finding a job straight away. I couldn't do that to her. I wouldn't allow myself to do that to her. I never intended to use Kat in that way. I'm certainly not going to go down that road with *friends*. AZ wants me to come there. Probably the *ONE* person that is pretty sure they want me around & I can't go there right now. *sighs* Pretty pathetic, huh?

It's been a really long, tiresome, debilitating, emotional day. I'm ready for sleep.

Depression & Grief...

Depression hurts! We've all seen that commercial. "Where does depression hurt? Everywhere. Who does depression hurt? Everyone." Blah, blah, blah. :/

I was officially diagnosed (though now I wonder if I can say "officially" or not!) with mild depression (& OCD, incidentally) by this quack when I was 18. I don't even know why I ended up going to the clinic. I hated it. I can tell you that much. Sitting there, talking to this woman about random feelings. Bleh! At any rate, she diagnosed me & gave me these pills to take. After about a month or 2 on them, I decided to look them up in the PDR (that Mama stole from her workplace at the hospital). It was at this point that I realized that shrink was a quack. I forget the name of the pill now but it was an anti-psychotic drug. I'm not psychotic! No wonder I wasn't feeling any differently! Geez!! Needless to say, I stopped taking the meds & stopped going to the clinic.

The rest of my life since then has been pretty much the same. I am always "down", to some degree or another. I've strained myself trying to remember a time that I was ever truly *happy*. I've experienced joy & elation but always...ALWAYS...there's a sad undercurrent going on. I don't typically hit the bottom though-which is good, I guess. I did it once, during the move from FL to LA. I literally thought I was losing my mind; going insane. It was scary. But, typically, I stay on a pretty even-tempered keel of just barely above sad. *shrugs* It tends to make me be very pessimistic & jaded about life. Sarcasm is my 1st language. But, it's not usually debilitating. Til now. But...after a talk with a friend...I wonder...I wonder if it's not my depression at all but perhaps grief?!

I hadn't considered myself to be going through grief over this crap with Kat. I mean, yes, I've said, several times, that I am mourning the loss of us & I truly believe that but to label this...this cycle I'm experiencing...as grief?...no, I hadn't looked at it that way. For me, I was mourning the loss of us & it had made me depressed. Plain & simple. Short & sweet. But...not so much? o.0

So I started researching the 7 Stages of Grief. Wow. Puts things in some sort of perspective now. Of course, the one thing I keep seeing repeated in these articles is that they stress that you do not avoid or bury the initial reaction to grief. Which is exactly what I did. I couldn't deal with it, couldn't accept that this was really happening to us, to me (Stage 1: Shock & Denial)...so I buried my head in the sand. I numbed myself to it & refused to allow myself to roll with this. Anyway, not sure what kind of detriment that will prove except that it's just delayed the process for me. *shrugs* But the shock is a form of protection, too. Prevents you from becoming too overwhelmed.

Stage 2: Pain & Guilt. Described as the suffering of unbelievable pain that is excruciating & almost unbearable. *nods* When I'd allow myself to feel, this is what I felt. It was breathtaking. I literally could not bare to breathe because my chest hurt so much. I had to lock all of that emotion back up just to do the very basic of things like survive. The severity of that pain alone is probably the majority of the reason why I buried everything. But even as I wasn't fully feeling the pain of this, I was drowning in the guilt. I was racking my brain, trying to figure out what the hell I'd done to warrant all of this. I needed to define what I'd done that was so horrible because I needed to beg her for forgiveness. Maybe that's mostly the sub in me talking but it was all I could think about. For weeks. I even tried having conversations with her during this time. Trying to gain some clues & insight so that the light bulb would go off & I could drop to my knees & beg her. I needed her back. I needed to know that she would forgive me for-whatever-it was that I'd done. I needed her to accept me back. I needed her to not be angry with me. I just needed her. Period. I couldn't breathe without her. Obviously.

Stage 3: Anger & Bargaining. I didn't do this a whole lot. But I blamed myself, I blamed her, I accused her of lying to me & playing with me since Day 1. I got very angry with her. I got angry with myself. I hated her for a day or maybe 3. Like I said, it didn't last long. I didn't do any bargaining. Perhaps I would've bargained with her if she'd spoken to me?

Stage 4: Depression, Reflection, Loneliness. Hello!!! I'm hitting this now. This is why I just assumed depression covered everything I was dealing with. Here it is. I'm going to copy & paste from this website their description of this stage because it's my light bulb. Too perfect for rewriting.

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

I'm sleeping, on average, about 10 hours a day. I don't want to see or hear anyone. I try & I get overwhelmed by them very quickly. I'm listening to our songs (all 400 of them), I'm looking at all of the pictures I'd collected on the net for her, now I'm going back into SL & reliving absolutely every facet of us from there, I don't want to eat but I want chocolate constantly, I want to start smoking again (the urge is absolutely incredible!), I've contemplated cutting, I've contemplated pot, I've contemplated (on more than one occasion) killing myself. I sit in the midst of this & when I let myself cry, I sob painfully & I don't see it getting any better. She didn't die on me. Sometimes I wish she had. Might've been easier to accept. Mostly I just wish I could die. It can't feel any worse than this. There's no way. I'm bargaining with myself? I'm surviving this (to some degree) & this is as bad as it'll get so I'll be ok. Eventually. Right??

Except here is where I feel *stuck*. I try to talk this out so I can deal with it. But nobody that I know has been in *this* type of situation. "You're not the 1st person to go through a failed relationship & you won't be the last." Nope. Pretty sure of that. Almost as sure as I am of my own name. But this is the 1st time *I* have experienced this! Don't diminish what I'm going through. "I understand how you feel." You haven't a CLUE what this feels like! I would be very hard pressed to find someone else who's been in a similar situation. A bisexual D/s relationship with a switch in a polyamorous triad. Yep. Hard pressed. WITHOUT adding in Iraq & the girls! Or the myriad of other complications we had! Please. *rolls eyes* Anyway. Stuck. Completely. In this repeating cycle that isn't progressing beyond a certain point. Yet.

There are 3 types of grief. Anticipatory, Sudden Loss & Complicated. Logically, Anticipatory Grief is where you know the death is coming. Sudden Loss is just that. It happens suddenly & without warning. This is what I had. Though I had clues it was happening; just didn't expect the scope of it. Complicated is what I may be experiencing. This is when the grieving process does not progress over time as it should. The intensity of feelings and length of time is severe and prolonged and interferes with your ability to function. You may even fall into a true depression or anxiety disorder. The hallmark of complicated grief is that the thoughts, reactions and behaviors do not change or improve as time goes on. Most people know when they are stuck in a grief that will not resolve. I was telling my friend tonight that I just keep doing these initial steps over & over & over & over. However, this is the 1st I've really felt the "depression" part of the process so maybe it is progressing after all??? I dunno. Complicated grief usually will not conclude on it's own, and requires the help of a professional counselor to resolve it. Something to look forward to? Crap. *sighs*

Stage 5: The Upward Turn. Apparently, at some point, I'll start to adjust to her not being around. Life will become a little calmer & more organized. My physical symptoms will lessen & my depressed fog that I'm in will start to lift. Yay. Can't wait. :/

Stage 6: Reconstruction & Working Through. As I start to become more functional, my mind starts working logically again. I'll start realizing I have a life to live again...without her...& I will be ok.

Stage 7: Acceptance & Hope. The last step-I'll learn to accept & deal with the reality of my situation.

*sighs* The realization that I'm grieving over this was monumental, I think. And it's not just the death of what we had but the death of what was planned for the future. Soooo many hours spent talking about what was wanted for the 3 of us. 5 of us if you count the girls. I had already thought of the 4 of them as my "family". This was where I belonged. This was real. This was...this dream of what we were to become...this was what all of the prior hardships had been for! Someone asked me the other night if I believed in "Everything happens for a reason". I do. I have for years now. But this...this is killing me because I can't imagine the *reason* for THIS! I can't fathom why I have to go through this. Especially when I thought I knew already the reasons for the hiccups we'd had over the last year & a half. It was all to get us to this point. Ok, not *THIS* point but...where we were supposed to be headed. If I sit & analyze that too much, I start to lose it again. I can't...I don't know how...accepting that it was all for absolutely nothing is...I can't do that. I can't deal with having to accept that. *sighs heavily & cries again*

Kathy says my blogs of late have been "insightful". I retorted that they have been painful. I am trying my damndest to be 100% honest with myself. I can't rely on Kat to be honest or even attempt a heartfelt apology. I can't trust myself much these days never mind anyone else. Certainly not her. I need this grief thing to just progress already. I need to be able to breathe again without falling apart. I need...I dunno. I'm not sure what I need exactly. Except maybe to be able to get through just one day without crying. Just one...for now. One would be such a welcomed relief....

Needy...

I miss her. I miss her & I don't know why. Some days more than others. Like today. And last night. I've lost my official count but...everything exploded on Dec. 29 & she made decisions based on others instead of me & her. She put me in peril because of her inability to communicate. She was wrong & she can't find it within herself to admit it or attempt to correct it or...repair it. I've got no stinking clue how I expect her to fix this but I expect *something*. I should hate her. I should despise her. I should wish her harm & great sorrow. I should. I wish I could. Would be easier to move on if I hated her. But, instead, I'm stuck...*here*...still loving her & missing her. I hate my life...I wish it were over. I wish I had the strength & courage...*sighs*

My Second Life

You've heard me mention SL (SecondLife) a few times by now. It is actually starting to weigh on my mind again so maybe I should tell you the story about my Second Life-the one that nearly overpowered my first.

My friend, Heidi, had a friend who told her about this website/game that you could make money from. So we talked about it until we were curious enough to go check it out. So we're on MSN Messenger as we're signing up, etc...comparing notes & such, trying to walk each other through the process. It was mid-evening on January 22, 2007.

In real life, I was still struggling with the aftermath of the move from FL to LA, the loss of a potentially life-changing friendship, the inability to find a job in a town with a population of 6000, watching my roommate become more & more whacked out on prescription drugs to the point of being a daily zombie &, in turn, I starting hating her. In my online world, I was getting bored with Neopets. I'd been playing there for a year & a half & it was getting old. Plus, Chele had stopped playing cuz she was starting her own RL business. Enter SecondLife stage left!

SecondLife is a 3D virtual world where every single bit of content is user-created. Everything you see, hear, do, go to, buy, find, interact with...is created by another player. If you are really smart & talented & extremely lucky, you can learn to build & create content that you can sell to other players to use. Thus you can make money on SL! You can make your avatar (AV) into pretty much anything you can imagine. Just as in RL, AVs are usually pretty unique with a few appearing similar sometimes. Most of the people I knew were human. A bunch were neko. Myself included. Neko is human with feline characteristics such as ears & tails. Some people added more elements such as cat eyes, whiskers, claws, paws, skins that were spotted or striped. Some people were demons or fae (fairy/sprite) or vampires or lycans (werewolves). some were furries (full animal-big cats, bears, rabbits). Some were tinies (very small full animals-these had to use specially created items because they were so small. Bunnies, teddy bears, squirrels, skunks). I had a friend who was cyborg a lot of the time that I knew her. I had another friend who, it seems, was his mission, to be the most unique thing he could find. He was a dragon, T-Rex, Pegasus, Transformer-at different times. Once you got off into the Netherworlds, you could find aliens, she-males, etc...any sexual fetish preference you could imagine! Hell, you could even be a ghost or skeleton! There were things that claimed to make you invisible but I never tried those to see if they actually worked! ;-) The possibilities were limitless except by your own imagination & pocketbook.

Me, xO & Vixen as nekos:

Phoebe as a mermaid:

Tam as a panther:It's not called SecondLife for no reason. You literally do everything inworld that you'd do in RL. You have a home with decor-whether you rent or buy land-an apartment or a castle or a mansion on the beach! You date, fall in love, get married with extravagant weddings, have sex, have drama in your relationships, get divorced, have pregnancies & then babies, adopt kids, go to school, have a job, run a business, sell your art, sing for live audiences, go to parties, go out to clubs with friends, gamble, play games, go shopping, climb mountains & volcanoes, go sailing, horseback riding, race cars & boats, have vehicles of all kinds, deep sea diving, tour the world (I spent a night going from NY to Egypt to London back to Hollywood, CA once!), And it didn't stop there! As if all of this was not enough, you have sims that cater to specific roleplay genres. Most of these are member-only & you cannot even tour the sim unless you are in appropriate attire. One of the biggest & most well known of these sims was medieval with Kings, Queens, Knights, maidens & so on. They had lots of fae on that sim, too. It was absolutely beautiful there! One of my 1st favorite places was a waterfall that was hidden deep within. The next largest RP contenders were your BDSM sims. Absolutely no holes barred here. Anything could be done on these sims. There were even several Gorean-based sims. A friend & I teleported to one once, not knowing what it was & came extremely close to being captured. When you get captured on Gor, you can't escape until they let you go. Logging out of SL entirely didn't even save you. When you logged back in, you'd be wherever you were when you left. Another big RP was for vampires & lycans. My favorite of these was Transylvania. There were urban sims & mafia sims, too. And probably even more that I didn't know about! Absolutely anything you could want in ANY life, you could find here. I think, in my state of mind at the time, that proved to be a deadly combination for me.

Me & Mirtha racing motorcycles on an urban sim:Polly, Louise & I at a "schoolgirl" event at Dreamgirls:Me & Cole sitting on the Hollywood sign:Lorissa & Jeff's wedding:Martina & Ravena's wedding:Finn, Becca & I dancing at Organica on Happy Clam Island:
Me as a stripper at Xtreme lol:
One of the many houses:Me at my waterfall:

It took me a couple of weeks to get addicted. It took me a couple of weeks to actually start meeting people. I'm really very shy with strangers. I've never been one to just walk up to someone & start chatting! SL is no different in that aspect for me! lol However, once I started meeting people, it was all downhill from there! With all that SL had to offer, it would be the relationships that I formed there that would be my addiction.

The 1st place I landed was a place called Club Kanaloa. It was a Grecian-styled mansion surrounded by palm trees & they had a multi-player Slingo game in the yard. The 3 main people that worked there, Jeff & Lorissa (the owners-who were dating & later married) & Tristan (marketing director) all wore togas most of the time. Sometimes Mirtha would show up in a toga (she was a PT hostess & escort). Yes, Kanaloa had ladies for hire! ;-) Sex sells & sex is a massive business in SL! I met Mirtha 1st & then the other 3. Then I started working for them, hosting Slingo. Very quickly, I started running games for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. It was while I was hosting that I met Neenah & Cal & a whole slew of other people who would end up being good friends. It's also how I gained my 5 stalkers! LMAO After my run at Kanaloa, a group of about 12 of us hung out daily & just did whatever, whenever. We went to events together, we all pretty much were dating someone else in the group. Cal & Neenah had their own club so we hung out there a lot, too. But, you see, the #1 constant in SL is drama. It runs rampant there! And this is what broke up our little group. I won't go into details cuz it wasn't pleasant. It was after all of this drama was dying down & I was contemplating leaving SL that I happened into Girls Talk & met Louise & Polly. You see, up until this point, I still wasn't really submersed into SL yet. I still led somewhat of a RL. RL ceased to exist once I met Lou. I didn't do anything but SL. I mean, literally, nothing else besides SL. I didn't leave my room. I had my own bathroom that was connected to my bedroom. I rarely ate. I slept *maybe* 2 hours a night. I averaged 20 hours a day in SL-solid. I didn't keep up with email. Neopets was forgotten. I'd stopped speaking to my roommate all together. Never spent any time with any of our 4 kitties anymore. I didn't talk on the phone & I didn't spend any time with my RL best friend of the past 30 years or my godson anymore. Nothing existed for me except SL & Lou & my life there. To compound the issue, I never knew what time it was cuz my computer clock & alarm clock were both set to UK time-I was on Lou's time. She lived near London & I was in Northern Louisiana! Yeah. I did this for 3 months & had no intention of stopping it either. RL had to come crashing down on me before I changed anything. I lost Lou over that week & a half that I wasn't online. But the 1st 5 days I was gone, I had simply vanished. She had no clue what had happened to me or where I was or if I was ok. Tam had been with me in SL when the actual RL intrusion happened so she had an idea of what was going on but no details. Anyway, apparently Lou lost control to some degree because she was nuts over not being able to find out if I was ok & that breakdown for her caused issues in her RL, in her marriage & she made a decision. When I finally got back online, within 3 days, she'd left SL, for good. My world was shattered. The family had fallen apart. And I was lost. I hated her for this for months.

Me, Cal & Neenah at Kanaloa:

Polly & I captured in the dungeon by Lou:
Over the next month or so, I had to figure out what SL would be for me now. I had to reinvent myself. Reconnect with old friends & find new ones. That starting over period was a pretty wild ride! I clung to Neenah cuz she was comfortable & familiar. She was my rock, my anchor in all of this stormy sea. Though she was no longer with Cal or the same group of people either. She'd created a clothing store & it sat at this mall on Happy Clam Island where she'd made some new friends-1 of which was an old friend she'd known from before. Soon I began to meet people on this island, too. One of them being 1 of the 5 island owners. She & I hit it off immediately. We've become great friends-in RL, too, now! :-) I hooked back up with Mirtha & she introduced me to her circle of friends. One of which will always be 1 of my biggest temptations! ;-) Soon I had more new people in my life than I knew what to do with! Then it happened. Lynny, my chain sister with Lou...wanted to introduce me to a friend of her's. That's how I met Kat. The rest, as they say, is history. I really don't want to relive all of that by writing about it though.

Anyway, so by the beginning of April, 2008, I had slowly stopped going into SL anymore. Kat had stopped going in. It's been almost a year since I've been in SL on any sort of regular basis. That's absolutely incredible considering how submersed in that world I was. *sighs*

Here's what has happened in the past year since I became adverse to SL. The few friends that I have left that still go in, it's a knee-jerk reaction to roll my eyes or become annoyed with anything they say about SL. There have even been times that I've gotten downright angry about them being in SL instead of hanging out with me. That's so freaking pathetic! :/ But it's because I miss it. I feel like I *can't* get back into SL. I can't go inworld without being inundated with everything Kat & I. The memories are pure torture. She ruined SL for me. She ruined being able to enjoy & crave BDSM inworld & in RL even. She ruined being able to laugh & just be *happy*. She ruined me. Period. But SL is where it started & it's the biggest concentrated location for the memories to live. *sighs*

But here's the thing, in the last month or so, I've been thinking that I want to go back into SL. Breathe new life into my AV. Start over. Reinvent myself. Problem is I don't know if I can go in there without Kat haunting me or me automatically going on the hunt for another Mistress. That huge, gaping, bleeding hole in me needs healing & I don't know how to do it. My emotional state of being right now is not conducive with a healthy SL experience either, I don't think. Being unemployed has me down. Being destroyed emotionally has me really depressed. I'm lonely & hurting & scared. :-( I went inworld last night & Tam was online! OMG! After talking, she's considering possibly coming back inworld regualarly again. Neenah is back inworld. If Tam comes back, too...I'm so there. Between the 2 of them...I will be ensconced, no doubt.

Then there's the question of would I revive the AV everyone knows-the one that is so irrevocably damaged or do I let my stagnant alt (who most everyone knows) have a chance at the limelight? Or do I just completely start over with an all new AV? The possibilities are limitless....

My alt & I: