Depression & Grief...

Depression hurts! We've all seen that commercial. "Where does depression hurt? Everywhere. Who does depression hurt? Everyone." Blah, blah, blah. :/

I was officially diagnosed (though now I wonder if I can say "officially" or not!) with mild depression (& OCD, incidentally) by this quack when I was 18. I don't even know why I ended up going to the clinic. I hated it. I can tell you that much. Sitting there, talking to this woman about random feelings. Bleh! At any rate, she diagnosed me & gave me these pills to take. After about a month or 2 on them, I decided to look them up in the PDR (that Mama stole from her workplace at the hospital). It was at this point that I realized that shrink was a quack. I forget the name of the pill now but it was an anti-psychotic drug. I'm not psychotic! No wonder I wasn't feeling any differently! Geez!! Needless to say, I stopped taking the meds & stopped going to the clinic.

The rest of my life since then has been pretty much the same. I am always "down", to some degree or another. I've strained myself trying to remember a time that I was ever truly *happy*. I've experienced joy & elation but always...ALWAYS...there's a sad undercurrent going on. I don't typically hit the bottom though-which is good, I guess. I did it once, during the move from FL to LA. I literally thought I was losing my mind; going insane. It was scary. But, typically, I stay on a pretty even-tempered keel of just barely above sad. *shrugs* It tends to make me be very pessimistic & jaded about life. Sarcasm is my 1st language. But, it's not usually debilitating. Til now. But...after a talk with a friend...I wonder...I wonder if it's not my depression at all but perhaps grief?!

I hadn't considered myself to be going through grief over this crap with Kat. I mean, yes, I've said, several times, that I am mourning the loss of us & I truly believe that but to label this...this cycle I'm experiencing...as grief?...no, I hadn't looked at it that way. For me, I was mourning the loss of us & it had made me depressed. Plain & simple. Short & sweet. But...not so much? o.0

So I started researching the 7 Stages of Grief. Wow. Puts things in some sort of perspective now. Of course, the one thing I keep seeing repeated in these articles is that they stress that you do not avoid or bury the initial reaction to grief. Which is exactly what I did. I couldn't deal with it, couldn't accept that this was really happening to us, to me (Stage 1: Shock & Denial)...so I buried my head in the sand. I numbed myself to it & refused to allow myself to roll with this. Anyway, not sure what kind of detriment that will prove except that it's just delayed the process for me. *shrugs* But the shock is a form of protection, too. Prevents you from becoming too overwhelmed.

Stage 2: Pain & Guilt. Described as the suffering of unbelievable pain that is excruciating & almost unbearable. *nods* When I'd allow myself to feel, this is what I felt. It was breathtaking. I literally could not bare to breathe because my chest hurt so much. I had to lock all of that emotion back up just to do the very basic of things like survive. The severity of that pain alone is probably the majority of the reason why I buried everything. But even as I wasn't fully feeling the pain of this, I was drowning in the guilt. I was racking my brain, trying to figure out what the hell I'd done to warrant all of this. I needed to define what I'd done that was so horrible because I needed to beg her for forgiveness. Maybe that's mostly the sub in me talking but it was all I could think about. For weeks. I even tried having conversations with her during this time. Trying to gain some clues & insight so that the light bulb would go off & I could drop to my knees & beg her. I needed her back. I needed to know that she would forgive me for-whatever-it was that I'd done. I needed her to accept me back. I needed her to not be angry with me. I just needed her. Period. I couldn't breathe without her. Obviously.

Stage 3: Anger & Bargaining. I didn't do this a whole lot. But I blamed myself, I blamed her, I accused her of lying to me & playing with me since Day 1. I got very angry with her. I got angry with myself. I hated her for a day or maybe 3. Like I said, it didn't last long. I didn't do any bargaining. Perhaps I would've bargained with her if she'd spoken to me?

Stage 4: Depression, Reflection, Loneliness. Hello!!! I'm hitting this now. This is why I just assumed depression covered everything I was dealing with. Here it is. I'm going to copy & paste from this website their description of this stage because it's my light bulb. Too perfect for rewriting.

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

I'm sleeping, on average, about 10 hours a day. I don't want to see or hear anyone. I try & I get overwhelmed by them very quickly. I'm listening to our songs (all 400 of them), I'm looking at all of the pictures I'd collected on the net for her, now I'm going back into SL & reliving absolutely every facet of us from there, I don't want to eat but I want chocolate constantly, I want to start smoking again (the urge is absolutely incredible!), I've contemplated cutting, I've contemplated pot, I've contemplated (on more than one occasion) killing myself. I sit in the midst of this & when I let myself cry, I sob painfully & I don't see it getting any better. She didn't die on me. Sometimes I wish she had. Might've been easier to accept. Mostly I just wish I could die. It can't feel any worse than this. There's no way. I'm bargaining with myself? I'm surviving this (to some degree) & this is as bad as it'll get so I'll be ok. Eventually. Right??

Except here is where I feel *stuck*. I try to talk this out so I can deal with it. But nobody that I know has been in *this* type of situation. "You're not the 1st person to go through a failed relationship & you won't be the last." Nope. Pretty sure of that. Almost as sure as I am of my own name. But this is the 1st time *I* have experienced this! Don't diminish what I'm going through. "I understand how you feel." You haven't a CLUE what this feels like! I would be very hard pressed to find someone else who's been in a similar situation. A bisexual D/s relationship with a switch in a polyamorous triad. Yep. Hard pressed. WITHOUT adding in Iraq & the girls! Or the myriad of other complications we had! Please. *rolls eyes* Anyway. Stuck. Completely. In this repeating cycle that isn't progressing beyond a certain point. Yet.

There are 3 types of grief. Anticipatory, Sudden Loss & Complicated. Logically, Anticipatory Grief is where you know the death is coming. Sudden Loss is just that. It happens suddenly & without warning. This is what I had. Though I had clues it was happening; just didn't expect the scope of it. Complicated is what I may be experiencing. This is when the grieving process does not progress over time as it should. The intensity of feelings and length of time is severe and prolonged and interferes with your ability to function. You may even fall into a true depression or anxiety disorder. The hallmark of complicated grief is that the thoughts, reactions and behaviors do not change or improve as time goes on. Most people know when they are stuck in a grief that will not resolve. I was telling my friend tonight that I just keep doing these initial steps over & over & over & over. However, this is the 1st I've really felt the "depression" part of the process so maybe it is progressing after all??? I dunno. Complicated grief usually will not conclude on it's own, and requires the help of a professional counselor to resolve it. Something to look forward to? Crap. *sighs*

Stage 5: The Upward Turn. Apparently, at some point, I'll start to adjust to her not being around. Life will become a little calmer & more organized. My physical symptoms will lessen & my depressed fog that I'm in will start to lift. Yay. Can't wait. :/

Stage 6: Reconstruction & Working Through. As I start to become more functional, my mind starts working logically again. I'll start realizing I have a life to live again...without her...& I will be ok.

Stage 7: Acceptance & Hope. The last step-I'll learn to accept & deal with the reality of my situation.

*sighs* The realization that I'm grieving over this was monumental, I think. And it's not just the death of what we had but the death of what was planned for the future. Soooo many hours spent talking about what was wanted for the 3 of us. 5 of us if you count the girls. I had already thought of the 4 of them as my "family". This was where I belonged. This was real. This was...this dream of what we were to become...this was what all of the prior hardships had been for! Someone asked me the other night if I believed in "Everything happens for a reason". I do. I have for years now. But this...this is killing me because I can't imagine the *reason* for THIS! I can't fathom why I have to go through this. Especially when I thought I knew already the reasons for the hiccups we'd had over the last year & a half. It was all to get us to this point. Ok, not *THIS* point but...where we were supposed to be headed. If I sit & analyze that too much, I start to lose it again. I can't...I don't know how...accepting that it was all for absolutely nothing is...I can't do that. I can't deal with having to accept that. *sighs heavily & cries again*

Kathy says my blogs of late have been "insightful". I retorted that they have been painful. I am trying my damndest to be 100% honest with myself. I can't rely on Kat to be honest or even attempt a heartfelt apology. I can't trust myself much these days never mind anyone else. Certainly not her. I need this grief thing to just progress already. I need to be able to breathe again without falling apart. I need...I dunno. I'm not sure what I need exactly. Except maybe to be able to get through just one day without crying. Just one...for now. One would be such a welcomed relief....