Psychological Warfare...

Any time spent without Kat is usually painful, at best. This last 3 months was 100x worse than that because of everything involved that had never been involved before. The moment I could *see* her again & get to have a conversation with her, there was this...massive...relief. Like I could relax again, I could exhale again...it was gonna be alright cuz she was there again. But, at the same time, we start talking about "us" & we both get tense, get upset, get frustrated & it's like...gawd! Why does it have to be like this?! Having lived through both sides of the situation, I would much rather she was a part of my life in some aspect than not at all. I don't have to think twice about that. It's not debateable. It's a given. However...that doesn't change the fact that things still get tense between us. I'm not trying to hurt her. Honest, I'm not. I'm searching to fill a hole in me. I'm almost spastic about it. I'm almost in a panic to feel "ok" again. I'm desperate....

I don't believe her that any of this hurt her. I don't believe her that she cared about me at one point. I mean, I do...just not completely. She always stayed at a distance to me. Was rare that she let me very close to her. Everything between us was always semi-secret from Ben & that weighed heavily on us. I didn't like being her "dirty little secret". And it wasn't that I was a secret but the depth of what we had, was unknown to him. It had to be that way. We spent a year & a half like this. I wasn't secure in it. I was afraid of Ben not accepting me. Constantly. I was afraid for him to become jealous or afraid of me & giving her an ultimatum. She would never choose me over him but for whatever reason, that's not something he'd ever believe. That petrified me cuz there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. That was between the 2 of them only. When I moved across the country to stay with her & help her out, he flipped out & she pushed me even farther away. My worst nightmare come to life. In the flesh. When she kicked me out in the middle of the night, I was in shock. No part of me could fathom her doing this to me. She couldn't do this...not if she ever cared about me in the least. 3 hours into the night, I realized that this was really happening & that she couldn't possibly have ever cared. I've not lost that realization to this day. All of the issues we ever had, all of the times that I doubted her feelings, all of the moments that I wondered if *maybe* she cared a tiny bit...all of that came to a crashing halt at 11 pm in a strange city in the freezing rain and I had nowhere to go for the night, nevermind that I had none of my belongings with me. All that was clear in those moments was that she didn't ever care about me at all.

She gets frustrated & upset when I rehash. She says it's been established that she's the devil. She was always the one that said that. I never said that. Everything that I ever needed from her, wanted from her, asked of her...everything...was always just too *much* for her to do. And even yet...I don't think she's the devil. I don't hate her. I still need her to be a part of my life. I'm better with her here....

Talking to Neenah & I tell her...the hardest part about this whole thing with Kat is that I lost everything. Absolutely everything. Kat didn't lose at all. She never felt the same about me as I did about her. Her dreams & goals are still intact. She still has her family. Her life is relatively unchanged. What Neenah said in response to that...wow...made me think. And not just briefly. If I could find it in myself to believe this, I might be able to turn a corner with this situation. Neenah's take on this is as follows:

It's always easiest for the one who doesn't have to make the biggest adjustment. Think of it like this, you lost everything that you'd gained and she lost you...that's a lot!!!! But not as much as you lost...a family basically that you were falling in love with. Also she did not get accused of the things you did...but then again...how much shit did she take off of Ben for the whole situation? It's a two edged sword and multiple people were hurt with all that happened. It sometimes helps me to know the hurt that others had, and then compare that to my own hurt and it kind of evens out. I would personally welcome her talking to me about how she felt, what happened, and why things happened the way they did. That way I would not only have a better understanding of what and why and when but be able to compare the feelings to my own. I would be greatly helped by understanding the other person. Sometimes it helps just to know you aren't the only one first of all...and personally when I can help someone else heal, it makes me feel better and who better to help than the person who hurt you the most...it is a bit of psychological warfare and a bit manipulative, but if you help them feel good when you are hurt, you're the better person and it's apparent to that person, if they are a good person...

Wow. Do I have the right to think she cared enough about me that I could equate her losing me to what I lost? That would take a lot of ego & self-worth on my part...of which, I really don't have. If I could wrap my head around that...wow...

I miss her terribly. In any sense of what we ever were. I just miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss listening to her. I miss her picking on me. I miss picking on her. I miss the jokes & innuendos. I miss the dreams we had. I miss all of it. The question is, I guess...does she miss it, too? And what will it take for me to believe her if she says she does....? :/