12-27...A Year Later...

Sometime yesterday while I was at work, the internet quit working! Judy wasn't home when I got home. I fixed dinner & watched the only Netflix dvd that I had. Judy got home at 9 & started trying to fix the internet. I was fit to be tied at this point! LOL In the past, I would've been that way with no internet cuz of my "friends" online. Not anymore. I have that shitload of movies in my Netflix Instant that expire on the 1st & I don't want to lose em before I can watch em! lol *shrugs* Anyway, around 10, she figured out the router had taken a shit! UGH!! :-( Sooo...I started reading. Went to sleep around 11 pm. Woke up at 3 am & read untl 7 am. Went back to sleep til 11:30 am. Still no internet. And, yes, I knew what today was. But, I think, in a way, I was trying NOT to dwell on it! Maybe why I was so nuts about not being able to just watch movies all day! :/ So then Judy brings me a stack of dvds to entertain me til her & John can get the new router working...lol. Took them all afternoon! Finally got internet back around 5 pm & guess what I've been doing since?! Watching movies!! LOL

Today...the date...has been constantly niggling at the back of my mind since...well, hell...for WEEKS now! A year ago today, my world was shattered in Seattle. I keep remembering bits & pieces of the day. Like: Anna being there & helping bring my stuff out. I couldn't look at her. She wasn't supposed to be there!! I remember shoving the Weird Washington book at Kat & dropping the manicure set on the ground. Rachael's matted photograph that I loved so much. Xmas presents. I remember getting to Sea-Tac only to discover Enterprise wasn't located there! Had to go back to Federal Way to drop off the car, get a cab back to Sea-Tac...only to have missed my flight & got on standby for the next one. I remember it was starting to snow...again. I remember feeling completely hollow & empty. I remember being completely nervous meeting Kathy at Phoenix. I remember that ride from Phoenix to Flagstaff & the snow reappearing. I remember not completely being able to deal with my emotions of those 1st few days...not til months later. And that is where I am now. Emotionally void of it all. A year later. I'm still angry & hurt about everything. Losing all of the hopes & dreams I had in an instant. Losing the family that I'd grown to love. Losing my Mistress & best friend. Being abandoned. Being broken. It's all still there...a year later. Still there, still aching, still burning, still breaking me. But maybe I'm finally just accepting that it is what it is & I almost ignore the pain of it now? The pain is just a part of my psyche at this point.

And so...I go back to watching movies so I can ignore the pain...