Jumbled Up...

A mixture of things...

I'm exhausted today. My mind hurts. I took hours blogging this morning. Had to think really hard with that. It wore me out even more. I cried a lot with that one, which was tiresome, too.

Then I got an email from a friend & we were discussing my options of where to possibly move to &/or try to find a job at. She said something that pretty much stopped me cold. She said "People say things to someone they care about to be a good friend to them, to appear to be helpful, to offer support when it's needed...but they secretly hope that you never take them up on it." It was in that moment that I decided I had to stop wishing for something better than what I've got here & decided I'm stuck here (until I can win the lottery & go wherever I want). Just suck it up & deal with my situation as it is instead of trying to make it into something better.

The other night, Neenah had called me "kitten" & it hurt like hell. Like I'd been stabbed. I tried to tell myself that she was looking at me in SL as a neko & that's why but it doesn't matter. I was Kat's kitten before my AV went neko. She went neko *because* of the pet name. :/ So she was always neko to fit the name for Kat. *sighs* So I go in to SL tonight & Tam calls me "kitten". Again, same reasoning as Neenah but...still. I just had to stop, take a deep breath & realize in that moment I could do 1 of 2 things. I can de-neko to avoid being called "kitten" by anyone other than Kat or...I can just let it wash over me & know in my soul I was only ever her kitten & what others are meaning by it isn't the same as that was & move on. So far, I'm still neko.

But I'm not sure it even really matters. I'm not sure I can do SL for any length of time. My entertainment, my purpose, my reason for being in there, no longer exists! Period. End of story. I can't recreate that. I can't bring it back. I can't resurrect any of the past. And it was in the midst of cybering with some random stranger that started talking to me at a club...a guy...nice enough...but still...you'd have to know me to understand the depth of this. It was like absolutely nothing other than entertainment. I was carrying on 4 other convos at the same time. It meant absolutely nothing. I am not *connecting*. I'm not connecting at all to people. That being the reason I was able to nonchalantly do that. And it scared me. I don't want to become that person. I don't want to be that horrible fake person who goes around lying & hurting people in SL just cuz I have no soul. I can't become that person. I can't. I won't.

So, then, lastly, it comes out that I can't really go to NM as an option for moving. Which, is just as well, I suppose. My gut was telling me all along she wasn't serious in her offer. I certainly didn't know if I could take the chance of going there & then run into the issue of not finding a job straight away. I couldn't do that to her. I wouldn't allow myself to do that to her. I never intended to use Kat in that way. I'm certainly not going to go down that road with *friends*. AZ wants me to come there. Probably the *ONE* person that is pretty sure they want me around & I can't go there right now. *sighs* Pretty pathetic, huh?

It's been a really long, tiresome, debilitating, emotional day. I'm ready for sleep.