Deja Vu...

ACK. Deja Vu. Always kinda freaks me out. :/ *sighs*

Seems 2011 will start out like 2010 did. With a lone, random one-liner text. Nothing before. Nothing since. Except this time...I didn't reply to it. Work in progress...one step at a time. I know what I want. I know what I deserve. I refuse to settle any longer...I'm BETTER than that...sub or not. My feelings matter, dammit! And I'm not gonna continue to give them to those who can't respect that...

The kids aren't too fond of the fireworks & they haven't even really started going off a lot yet! Guess I'll be awake til the New Year actually rolls in after all...*sighs*

Personal Reflection on 2010...

This was actually a FB note I did earlier this afternoon & forgot to re-do it here, too...til just now. Heh. *shrugs* I'm sick...gimme some slack!! ;-p

Overall...2010 was MUCH, MUCH better than 2009!! *thanks the gods for that* But...2010...had it's moments, too. *shrugs* Here's my own personal review...

• Many, many changes at work, both bad & good. Most days still remain a "challenge" but we're still hanging in there, trying to make it work...
• For the 1st time in...2 years (was 10 years before that)...I have someone in my daily life that I've grown to consider one of my best friends. You take for granted your friendships until you realize you're living your life in your own secluded little world & don't have anybody to laugh & joke with at any given moment of the day, or to go hang out with at a moment's notice. I'm very happy to say I have that again. :-)
• A few different attempts at "love". Some were more acted upon than others but, in the end...I'm left with the same answer I've always thought...love is a sly devil that only complicates an already troubled existence...
• Speaking of LOVE...the summer...& December brought about the re-emergence of past loves. All 3 are entering their 4th year of being...even though it's not been solid...EVER. My feelings haven't changed (at the core) but...I'm pretty sure the last sentence from above will work it's way into here as well. *sighs* COMPLICATED doesn't even begin to describe these 3!! :-(
• I acquired a 2nd kitty. My Sebastian's own sister, Sheba. It took MONTHS for her to warm up to me but now I can't imagine not having her! :-)
• This year marked my 1st experiences with something I've always been aware of but was never around til now. lol And I like it well enough...I just don't partake of it very often. *giggles*
• There's been a lot of sickness this year. :/ Allergies, colds, back trouble, migraines, toothaches, earaches, 2 bouts of food poisoning, not to mention the abyss stress & depression can throw you into!! :-(
• Joined a book club for the 1st time in my life! Even though I don't get the chance to read as often as I want to, book club is the one day a month that I look forward to!! :D
• This year saw the addition of my 4th tattoo...that means SO much to me!! And actually may have a LOT to do with why I find "love" so troubling...
• In November, I witnessed the loss of a special kitty...Schuster. The oldest of the book store cats...& who was my FAVORITE from Day 1. His loss was as horrible to endure as the loss of any human I'm close to would've been. I still think about him daily...
• The BIG 3!! The 3 holidays that mean the most to me...this year...were...experiences that traveled the emotional spectrum. Halloween: had fun dressing up & hanging out with friends but I regret the "love interest" at the time. However, I was closer to the past loves...so it evened out. Thanksgiving: good time with family & friends but "love" had to end up ruining it. Xmas: BLEH!! Just allllll around...woulda rather someone had shot me! :/ Now, it's New Year's...the next runner-up to my favorite holidays...& I'm sick (AGAIN!). *sighs*

So here's where I say...MOST of 2010 was bearable. But...2011...HAS to get better!!!!!! It has to...we've started a trend of improvement since '09! *smiles* BRING IT ON...I'm sooooo freaking ready!! ;-)

New Year's Eve...Continued...

We closed at 1 pm. Cindy basically locked people out. Dumb move...but the way I was feeling, I really didn't care much. Still thought I'd give it a go to go over to Manda's so went on search for champagne when I got off. Ironic...how all the shelves of champagne are bare at 1:30 pm on New Year's Eve. o.0 Anyhoo...

Got home & took a nap. Or, well...attempted to. I don't think I really went to sleep. Got up at 4 & it was obvious I wasn't in a partying state of mind. :/ Ordered my last good dinner of 2010 from Chili's...my favorite salad. Though...since it's salad, I CAN splurge occasionally & not wreck my diet! ;-)

It'll be a movie night...til I fall asleep anyway. *chuckles* Just taking it easy. Laundry can wait for tomorrow. Sniffles & stuffy nose starting now, too. Ugh!! If I get Cindy's cold...I'm gonna kill her...grrr!! She's been sick for a week already.

So, along with the diet...tonight is my last night for smoking, too. I've already started on my #3 Resolution. That will just be a constant work-in-progress anyway!

Anyway...Happy New Year...may 2011 be even better!

New Year's Eve...

Has started out not so great! :/ Toothache!! Was up at 11:30 & 2:00, taking ibuprofen & Aleve. Up again at 3:30 actually using Clove Oil. STILL hurting! Ugh. Alarm was set for 5. I woke up at 5:15 & turned it off. But...I didn't GET up! Woke up at 5:50 & got up. Need coffee so I'm gonna fore go shower. Eep. :/

Eyes were crusty again this morning & they're still sensitive, too. Sheesh!! If it's not ONE thing...it's 30! :-(

Supposed to be a semi-short day today. Gawd, I hope we close at noon!! :-( But if we stay open til 2, I'll still get 5.5 hours in.

I won't make it to Manda's tonight if toothache continues &/or I don't get a nap. *sighs*

NY's Eve...Eve...

Work was pretty quiet. Steady stream of customers but never really got busy. 30 minutes after I got there, I took my paycheck to the bank. When I got back, Cindy went to run errands. Manda left at 12:30, just as Cindy was getting back. Cindy irritated me several times after that. She seriously has NO clue about anything! It's annoying. *sighs* I woulda been better off being by myself. We closed at 5:45. Nobody was there...no point in standing around for 15 minutes, looking at each other...that's her motto. lol

Came home to pay Judy rent & then went to CVS. Talked to the Pharmacist about my eye ordeal. He suggested some drops for me. They didn't have the champagne that Manda likes so I'll go to Publix tomorrow (that's where she gets it from anyway). Grabbed some dinner, came home, movie...now almost bedtime.

Lee is putting the moves on tonight!! ROFL!! It was always ironic how she made her moves at the most inopportune moments. It was eery freaky almost! Now...is no different! *sighs*

We've been telling all of our customers that we're closing at 2 tomorrow. But that was cuz we assumed we'd get our Friday order. However, we learned yesterday that UPS isn't running at all tomorrow (unless you're getting a Saturday delivery)! So...Cindy says we may try to escape around noon if it's dead. I'm opening. I imagine Cindy will be there then, too. Manda has an appointment so she'll be there around 10ish.

Allergy Update...

Kelli commented on my pic of my eye on FB. Says it could possibly be Pink Eye?! ACK!! Never had that before. I don't do Drs...so I went to WebMD.com to get some info. Reading that, it does possibly sound like Allergic Pink Eye. There's a few different varieties of it & that fits my symptoms the best. Especially considering using the eye drops & now on my 2nd dose of allergy meds has given me relief. My eyelids are still sore & tender, a tiny puffy & red. I'll see if they crust up over night. That's the only symptom I haven't seen yet. Ugh. At least it's not contagious if it's the Allergic one!! That's a plus...I don't hafta miss work...

Allergic To Work?!

Around noon, I was just sitting at work, processing, like normal. Well, not exactly processing. Had been doing that shortly before but Amanda was working the order so she'd brought one of them out to me and I'd checked them in & put that flat away already actually. She'd just brought me the stack of Special Orders to start calling when...out of nowhere...my eyes started itching & burning. She came up to get something shortly after, looked at me & was like "OMG!" I told her they were bothering me but I hadn't seen them for myself yet. I went to look...

This didn't capture the worst of it! Before it was over, both eyes were blood red & completely swollen. It felt like my entire face was swollen & numb, my ears were burning & I felt like I had a temperature. I took some of my allergy pills -- not thinking -- just shortly before, I'd taken some Excedrin & Ibuprofen (I will take a cocktail of these 3 meds at night & it makes me sleepy enough to fall asleep, most of the time!). I used some of Cindy's Visine & that started easing the itching & burning slowly. Cindy offered to let me go home cuz I looked so pitiful. And it was painful, too! Not to mention, I couldn't see very well. She made a funny, too...said I was gonna scare the customers!! ;-p Oh, come on...as if I don't already?!?! *giggles* By 2, I'd realized what I'd done with the medicine cocktail...cuz I was getting groggy. *sighs* Ended up leaving at 2:30.

Napped from 3:30-6. I feel normal at this point. Eyes look normal again, too. This has happened a couple of times before...when I've been processing, no less. Never to this degree though! It was really bizarre!! Hmm...guess I'm allergic to work! :D

So now...dinner...& gotta get the newsletter sent out & then a movie. :-) I'm closing tomorrow.

Waiting Outside The Lines - Greyson Chance

OMFG...holy FUCK ME!!! 100% AWESOME!!! Pay close attention, Kat...this has YOU written in every single word...

Better Than Revenge - Taylor Swift

AHAHAHAHAHA!! I quite love this! ;-p Not that I do revenge at all...I'm too passive-aggressive for that...*chuckles*

Escaping Normal...

No Kelli at all this week. She's on vacation. Bitch!! LMAO! *smirks* The morning was super quiet. Don't think we got our 1st customer til after 10. But then we got slammed all afternoon. I ran out the door at 4:30. lol

Went home for a bit. Was invited to dinner at Manda's for 7. While I was waiting for dinner, I was thinking. lol I usually always get my hair done when I get my Tax Refund. I have liked it best with the auburn color & blonde highlights. But I was thinking about something different...maybe. When I got to Manda's...I told her what I was thinking. :-) She was all like "OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!" Dylan liked it, too. The idea is dark, dark brown or black...with blue highlights. ahahahaha I dunno if I have the nerve though. I can pull it off in the bookstore. I wouldn't be able to if I were in my chosen field. ;-) So she's gonna talk to her friend, Tera, to find out who does colors best. Tera has rocked the black or blonde with every color of the rainbow highlights! :D I can spend a couple hundred bucks on it AND possibly getting a tattoo from Dan. I dunno if I'm getting Vampire Kitty. I may go back to my original idea for him when he did my chest piece in May. The car needs some maintenance done. That should just about cover it. Not like I'm going anywhere...

Homemade chili for dinner. YUM but a wee bit spicy hot! lol Dylan went to do laundry & Manda & I went to have some "coffee". *giggles* Yeah...nice shit...I'm headed to bed as soon as I get off here...*giggles*. Hey! It's not MY fault! ;-p Manda said I needed it. *giggles* She was right...

Oh & it looks like it's not just gonna be me & her watching Bette for New Year's. lol Beverly & Allie & their baby, Chase, & their other friend, Babin are coming!! hahaha It's a big party now. Pulled pork sandwiches, baked beans, potato salad & Mimosas!! *chuckles* Thing that I'm curious about though is...they're all paired off...except me...& Babin. Yeah...uhh...I'm not kissing him at midnight! ;-p Though...he's on my FB...so I think he knows...I'm not interested! *laughs*

Yeeeeep...bedtime!! :D

Old Game Resurfaces...

In the midst of texts...I realized...this is MORE than what I thought it was! *sighs* That age-old game is back in play. Not sure why I didn't automatically suspect it's arrival. Just rusty in dealing with it, I guess. :/

And with it comes her telling me how much better I can do, diminishing my feelings, sarcasm, lashing out, the discovery of things not being shared that should've been...& at the end of it...still holding on. *SIGHS*

I finally TALKED to her on the phone. Yeah...that little move didn't go unnoticed. o.0 She got me to call her...

One thing is still...err...bugging...me. The whole kitten convo. o.0 Little furry beings. Like Sebastian & Sheba. Except...certain comments...drew me somewhere else. :/ She doesn't need to bring a cat into that household with Ben. He "got rid of" the last one they had. She doesn't need a kitten right now...furry...or otherwise...*sighs* :/

I wasn't ready to hear her. After the enlightening texts, I most certainly wasn't ready to hear her! But...after the phone call...if I hadn't of already been ready to back off...I definitely am now. Except now...it's not about me! FML!! It's all about not getting her in trouble. I used to play this fucken game soooo well. Ugh. I don't remember the rules. I do, however, remember the agony. But even that is a charade cuz what I feel is not bad enough since I haven't dealt with it long enough for it to ache so. Uh huh...okies...wtfever...

She wants empathy...sympathy...something! I dunno really. And she has it. All of the above. But I also hate Ben right now...again. THIS game is what always made me hate him before. He's being a dick. An ignorant one. As usual. He needs to fucken grow up. He refuses to talk to her & has her secluded in this little box of his & therefore, I can't talk to MY friend cuz he's a jealous prick without an ounce of sense. It's fucken ridiculous!!

One day...soon...he's gonna wake up & see that he's lost his ENTIRE life!!! A nice home & a beautiful family. Instead, he'll have an ex-wife, a girlfriend that despises him, 2 daughters that want nothing to do with him & not a pot to piss in. But...apparently...he doesn't give a fuck. He wants total control in his little world & it's gonna be his downfall. To that end, he deserves whatever happens to him...

I am pissed off. Now. I wasn't yesterday/last night. I had to process it 1st. But I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago. I won't do what I did then. I hate this hopeless, helpless feeling!!! I hated it then, too, but had no idea how to deal with it. I will not be the "dirty little secret" again. I will not beg her. I will not fall apart cuz my world has crashed & burned. I can't fucken change it! I KNOW that this time around. I won't even bother to try. This isn't about me, I'm not a part of it...I just get punished for it. Do I accept that?! Sorta. It is what it is. But I make my life worse trying to be in it. I get swallowed whole by those "false" feelings. They seem so REAL it's uncanny! *sighs* So...I avoid them & the actions that bring them on.

The ringer on my phone has been off 24/7 for about 2 weeks now. I don't know anything is going on unless I'm looking at it. I like BlackBerry in that I can't set it (or have YET to figure out how to) to continuously alert me when I have messages waiting. I have to LOOK at it & see the flashing red light. That gives me a little more willpower to not *wait* for her...

More on Resolutions...

Let's not take this wrong. Last night's convo started over an assumption & ended with the inability to bridge the distance a little more. I made this decision based on that convo. This is for me. You wanted the chance to help & yet...you don't take it when it's offered. A girl can only take SO much rejection. Plain & simple. I said to you over xmas...you can't change someone to fit what you want & eventually you just stop trying. That was a blatant pointed statement. It fits your situation. And it fits mine. You're right...we are quite the pair. Both damaged & no idea what to do about it. But like has been said from the beginning...you & I are in a parallel, in that we both want the same things. That's the sad part. Neither of us can get them from who we want them from.

I almost never have Yahoo on so that's irrelevant. FB is used multiple times a day. To see some action on yours...without an appearance on mine...is like...hmm...it only takes a moment to "like" or comment on something...that single moment is worth thousands in that it says..."she cared enough to pay attention & let me know she was there". It helps to bridge the distance left amidst the random texts.

Texts. I can take them or leave them. After all...they are only WORDS. It's sooooo easy to disbelieve them. Phone calls are different. I fall for the voice EVERY time. That's why I haven't been able to do phone calls. And I can't do them. Or, if so, few & far between. Voice is my weakness & it's something I need to avoid right now.

Don't take this & run with it. Don't get mad at me. Last night wasn't an argument but it was stressed & I don't want that. I simply want to not care that there's 3000 miles physically between us...& millions of miles emotionally between us. You're my best friend & one of the most important things in my life. So I add more distance in order to clear the emotions. I've always been here for you but you're always the one that's too busy or too restrained...

Resolutions??

I've always half-assed sorta tried to make New Year's Resolutions. I NEVER stick to them. Not even for a day or 2!

But...tonight...while watching movies...& having a convo...I decided. THIS time...I'm gonna do it. No matter what. 3 major things. The 1st 2...are sorta...ehh..."just in case" my future works even semi-close to what I want it to be. The 3rd...in spite of what I want my future to be. Sounds like they contradict each other, don't they? Yeah...I thought that, too, for a bit. But really...if I succeed at the 1st 2...no matter the outcome of the 3rd...they'll be in my best interests anyway. So it's a Win-Win for me. Either way! Now I just hafta come up with a game plan...

See...I realized I'm in too deep. Again. The biggest part of me...the part of me that wants something specific...is in way over her head. I see it clearly. And I KNOW I'm only headed for disappointment & hurt. Gotta cut it off at the pass. I'm not giving up entirely. I can't. But I'm letting go a little bit. I'm gonna do what's best for me. After all, I live my life...however empty it may be sometimes. Circumstances beyond my control are at work here. It's ridiculous for me to even attempt to get what I want out of it. Can't get blood from a turnip, ya know?!

I've been guided (err...misguided?!) by my heart & emotions for 3 1/2 years now. That was turned off for a while but now it's back. And I knew...I KNEW I'd soon get to the point of wanting something specific...& not be able to get it. I will never be able to be on the inside 100%. And with the current self-imposed limitations, I see that once familiar road laid out in front of me yet again. I rely TOO much on the contact. I should be happy with the one element that I do get. Or so I was told. I should. ??? I would be if I were willing to settle for that. :/ Distance is a dangerous thing. Out of sight...out of mind. In a manner of speaking. Not quite totally out of mind cuz the thoughts & wishes are always there. But...out of mind in that...random contact means random moments that the feelings are forefront. The other 98% of the time...life goes on, without you...without me...without him...without them. That 2% doesn't make it secure...it doesn't lock it in enough to make Life Choices. Life Choices that require facing demons...with help on the other side...

And so it is...I make a choice not to fall again. That my love will always be what it is...but never good enough. My friendship will always remain Priority. My mind will always wage a war against my heart. My heart will always bleed for you. And my life...will always be my own...in whatever aspect I find myself in.

Loving is wanting the best for someone...whether it includes you or not...

That is love for you...& for myself. Tit for tat. This round of the Holiday Despair has taught me something. I relive those moments that broke me every year on the anniversary. And every day in between...just not to the same degree. Instead of learning from it, I just fell back into it. But this year...I'm gonna learn from it. I'm gonna walk away from it with the knowledge that I don't hafta continue to be naive & stupid. I can't change how I feel or what I want...but I can change letting it affect me...

Movie Day...more or less...

Was up til around 3 am. The last...ohh...2 hrs or less...of that on the phone (& on FB) with Lee. haha She's a mess. But she made me laugh til I cried...& I really needed that! *smiles*

Slept in til about 9:30. Played on FB til I finished my coffee & then I went to the bank & to get cigs. Got back & did kitty litter & dishes. Then I folded/hung up laundry as I started my 1st movie of the day. Had brunch (lasagna that I had to cook for an hour & a half) as I watched another one. Then another couple & I've prepared green bean casserole. It's cooking now. Gotta use the last of my sour cream before it goes bad...lol. ;-p And I'm about to start another movie. I imagine I'll get another 2-3 in tonight. lol *shrugs* Movie day...

I've gotta find out from Kelli who's opening tomorrow...just remembered that...

Xmas...

I dunno if it's my imagination...or what...but I've felt better (emotionally) today than I have in...weeks?? I'm still exhausted, etc but it's like a huge weight has lifted. *shrugs* Maybe it's cuz I'm not having to be at work & the stress of Cindy on top of everything else? Maybe it's cuz I "shared" a little bit about what's bothering me? Dunno. But I feel better. Not ok by a long shot...but better. :-)

The kids woke me at 7:15 this morning. Jumping on the bed, of course! That's their new thing since they've learned them making noise doesn't phase me during the night! *sighs*

An hour long phone call with Lee starting at 8 am...lol. She is SO bad...*chuckles*.

Shower at 9 & then wrapped mom & Bud's gifts. Looked at flight info. Still not down low like they used to be. Ugh. Oh, well...

Got to mom's at noon. We opened presents. I got a purple hoodie with fleece inside, 4 salad plates that match the design on the set I got & 4 bookmarks...LOL!! A skeleton, a black kitty (representing Schuster--awww!) & 2 of these new ones she's attempting...Day of the Dead dolls!! HAHAHAHA!!! Too cute!! I got a boy & a girl. :-) Then we watched Bud play his new Playstation game for a while. Mama had sent 2 $25 checks to her for me. One dated 12-20...the other dated 1-5. o.0 So freaking retarded...OMG. Whatever...

I started getting texts from Savannah around 1. She was all excited about her new car...*giggles*. So I explained to mom that John had found this old Grand Am for $450 & they got it for her xmas present. He works at the auto auction here. So then we started talking about trying to sell mine, pay it off & see if he could find me something good for cheap instead...so I can get out from under this car note! hahaha I'd started thinking about that the other day actually. ;-) Blue Book on mine is $5500-6300. Pay off on it is $5500! Course, she's pissed cuz she thought we only paid $5900 for it...I thought it was more like $7000. Dunno. *shrugs* 7K would make more sense since I've been paying on it a year & a half now...

We finally ate at 1:30. Bud's lasagna...yum. Then blueberry cream cheese pie for dessert. :-) I got home around 3:15.

I napped from 4-7 pm. lol Now I'm thinking it's time for more lasagna & Netflix!! :-) I have 21 Watch Instantly movies expiring on the 1st!! I think it's just gonna be a movie marathon day tomorrow...*laughs*

I'm looking forward to Friday night with Manda...& Bette. :D I wanna just skip Mon-Thur at work...heh! ;-p

Te Amo...

Because...



Just because...

Breaking Down the Break Down...

Ok, I told myself I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't explain what's happening. But...maybe it'll help...

Ironic that I choose Xmas Eve to let this come out...

When I was little, Thanksgiving & Xmas was ALL about Mammaw (Daddy's mom). She was the center of everything. The very 1st Xmas that I remember started with her. I was 4 & we'd just moved to Arkansas. We walked in her house...I went into the living room & the 1st thing I saw was her silver tree with twinkling blue lights. I fell to my knees in front of it & admired it for hours. Only after I grew up did I realize that her lights on her aluminum tree were DANGEROUS!! But that awe & sense of beauty still hits me when I look at decorated Xmas trees. In the years that followed that 1st Xmas, Mammaw was the one that always gathered the family together on those holidays...immediate & extended. The house was always packed...20-30 people! She'd cook for days. I can still remember the smell & warmth that enveloped me when I walked in on those days. On those 2 days of the year, we were a "family". No fights. No hurt. No anger. No bitterness. Just peace & happiness.

A week before Thanksgiving, when I was 12, Mammaw had 9 strokes that made her into a vegetable. She "lived" until I was about 21 but she died (for me) when I was 12. The celebration of Thanksgiving & Xmas died with her. No longer did we gather the family together & share those hours of happiness. We had a Xmas tree at home...if I put it up. Daddy would help me but he mostly let me just do what I wanted to with it. I would spend hours every night in front of it, just getting lost in that feeling. That feeling that reminded me of Mammaw.

As I got older, I would do stuff with friends. Parties with co-workers. But never did I have that feeling. For years, I continued to have my own tree. Was the only way I could recapture that feeling. But, for the most part, I tended to avoid the holidays. The avoidance grew over the years until I just basically ignored them all together!

2 years ago, the whole symbolism of the holidays changed for me. I still harbor my main attitude towards them but they became impacted with something else. I was with Kat & the girls. Their excitement & spirit infected me. She kept trying to get me to be part of it. The 1st step was taking me to Ben's parents' for Thanksgiving with them. I don't remember how many people were there...probably close to 20, if not more. And it instantly reminded me...of Mammaw's house. I got that feeling, just a little bit. Watching them interact with each other & getting a sense of being a part of "something". Something that I'd missed my whole life. I remember watching her & knowing that she wasn't exactly comfortable there...without Ben. And it drew me closer to her cuz she'd let me be a part of that. A part of her that nobody really knew about. And I was there for her. And I was there cuz she wanted to include me.

As Xmas approached, the spirit & excitement got to me even more. I'd gone out & picked gifts for the 3 of them. She'd told me, several times, that she would not let me be alone on Xmas. I would be a part of them. As the thought of that increased, I became more & more susceptible to wanting to experience that with them. They were becoming my family--something I hadn't experienced for 23 years...

However, that wouldn't happen. Not going into details but a week before Xmas, a snowstorm sent the 3 of them off to her parents'...abandoning me, snowed in, unable to leave the condo, with just Bella for company. They came back, late at night on Xmas Day. And for a brief moment, I was elated that she came back on THAT day. The 27th, my world exploded. The 28th, I struggled to get out of Seattle. Flew from Seattle to Arizona, straight into a situation that I KNEW I didn't want to be in but...I felt like it was my only choice in order to get out of Seattle ASAP.

What has happened since...is what is happening now. No longer do I avoid the holidays cuz of my childhood. Instead, my subconscious relives 2 years ago...

The week of Xmas...I was abandoned, alone, scared, & sad. The 27th & 28th, I was paralyzed with fear, shocked, confused as fuck, fighting to just function, distraught, shattered & totally *alone*. Until the New Year...I was angry. ALL of this comes back now at this time of the year. All of it, all at once. It puts me, literally, in a constant state of PANIC. When I'm awake, my head is pounding, my vision is hazy, I stay on the verge of tears constantly, my heart is racing, I have to consciously make myself breathe regularly, my skin is crawling & on fire, I feel like I'm just floating through my world, my brain doesn't always connect with things. When I get home, I crash. I'm totally spent & exhausted from the sheer pressure of "holding it together". The release of that...generally...isn't pretty. I then drug myself up to put me to sleep so that I don't hafta deal with it any longer. However, that's a double-edged sword cuz I don't really sleep for all the dreams & nightmares. Then it starts all over again when I'm next awake.

I told Kat the other day that I'm not really gonna be around much...I'm getting into the thick of THIS & functioning, is difficult, at BEST. Texting with her is whatever. If she texts, it's random. And it drops off when she gets distracted. THIS is the Kat that I know. I'm highly aware that this is gonna happen. However, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. :/ I cannot manage to actually TALK to her though. I can't bare to hear her voice. What she doesn't understand is...I can STILL hear her voice in my head, telling me I won't be alone for Xmas. I can STILL see her face & hear the agitation in her voice when she took me to the store before she was leaving to go to her parents'. The store was packed cuz of the impending storm & I grabbed a handful of things before I couldn't stand seeing/hearing her like this any longer & all I wanted to do was get out of there so she would be ok again. I STILL remember trying not to break down & cry just before she left the house. I STILL remember her voice on the phone when she wouldn't let me in the house on the 27th.

I didn't really talk to her but randomly last year when this hit. Last year was really rough. A full 2 months or more of this Hell. This year, I've had her solidly back in my life since the summer. I got to text with her on Thanksgiving. The elation of that was short-lived though cuz it ended with me being shattered. When I reached out for her a couple of weeks ago, she called me. I admit that she does try. And she's right. If she didn't call me, we wouldn't talk. I NEVER call her. I never could before. It was hard enough getting her to respond to texts when she was around other people. She was always embarrassed or didn't want to be rude. Or something. There was always a reason. Getting that excuse so very often, I got to the point where I waited for her to text 1st & I'd never DARE to attempt a phone call. I'm still under that impression even though she says otherwise. I used to BEG her to talk to me. Like...constantly...cuz of this. I very rarely ask her ever now...

Right NOW...I'm IN this. Even though I have her now...I really don't. Therefore, I have NO idea of how to include her in it. Texting is intermittent. More so than normal. When I manage to reach out for her...I need her to be there. Not 2-10 hours later. By the time I've gathered up the nerve to say something, I've spent hours debating it. I think it's been a week since I've actually spoken to her. I don't know how to hear her voice right now without breaking down. I hear her voice in my head & I cry. Because right now...2 years ago...she was texting like nothing was wrong even though she'd abandoned me...all the while, something was happening that was completely wrong & I had no clue! And she was talking to me. She was in front of me. I could see & hear her. Those memories haven't been replaced yet. Those memories haven't been healed yet...

She says she can't help cuz I won't let her. The problem is, I don't know HOW to let her! I fight this demon alone cuz that's how I 1st met with it. Alone.

And I'm not "hiding" as much as I'm just not able to carry on my normal routines right now. I don't have enough strength & energy to do so...

So there it is. Not completely detailed but close enough. Now I hafta stop the tears & get my game-face on so I can go to work & act like I'm "ok"...

Taking A Break...

Not gonna be posting for a while. Taking a break. Time to curl up & hide from the world as much as possible for a while (next week or so at least). Only things I will really be doing are those that are necessities or I have no choice in. Everything else...I have no interest in right now...

Meh...

Woke up at 10. Didn't wanna move much less go to work. So I called in & rolled over & drifted off into my near-constant world of dreams & nightmares.

Actually got into a sitting position around 1 pm. Soon turned my phone off. I think...if I'm going to remain awake...I'll watch a movie...or 3. Escapism at its best...

I Told You So...

So COOL!!

So...I was asleep by 8 pm. lol Nightmare woke me up at 9:30...& I felt like I'd been asleep for 12 hrs! Heh. Went back to sleep & up again with the alarm at 1:30 am. Was in & out...looking at the moon...watching it eclipse. Sebastian does NOT like me leaving the house at weird times!! LOL He'd follow me downstairs & then cry & scratch at the door! Heh. Funny how he knows. He doesn't do that when I leave for work in the mornings. ;-p

The moon was AWESOME! So cool to watch this rare happening! :-) Pictures, however, didn't come out too well. *sighs* Using flash...they came out completely black (once it was eclipsed & red). Not using flash...it was all distorted. :/ Ahh...ohh, well...at least I got to SEE it myself. ;-)

Hmm...so now it's 4 am...& I'm WIDE awake...haha!! Have already posted the On Sale Today books on the store's FB page. Not sure what else to do at this point. The kids are ripping & running so even if I WAS sleepy...it would be impossible...lol! ;-p It's just gonna be a weird day...I think...heh...

Holy Crap!!

Amanda was scheduled to come in at noon. However, last night, Kelli texted me & asked if I'd heard from her. I said no. Apparently, she was sick. :/ So we determined that she wasn't gonna be in at all today. We were right!! UGH. Cindy was on Grandma duty today, too. Kelli & I were SLAMMED the majority of the day...& we kept sending Manda nasty telepathic thoughts! *snorts* ;-p

I'm gonna play tomorrow by ear. There's supposed to be a Winter Solstice Lunar Eclipse tonight. The moon will be RED! And I WANNA SEE IT!!!! So...I'm home, have had dinner, gotten the trash out to the road for pickup tomorrow & now I'm gonna try to be asleep in the next hour. Eclipse should start around 1:30 am & last til 4ish am. IF I can go to sleep soon, I'm gonna get up at 1:30. Then perhaps nap & then go to work. As long as I'm there by noon, it's all good cuz we should have a full crew tomorrow. :-)

Manda just called. We have a date for New Year's Eve!! :D That's a boy weekend so they're not going out anywhere BUT she just saw where Bette Midler is debuting a new show that night at 9 pm. HAHAHA So she & I are gonna watch it together cuz we both just adore her. One day, we're gonna make a trip to Vegas just to go see her...*grins*

Ok...time to snuggle down & let sleep take me so I can get up in a few hours to see this rare phenomena...*giggles*. I'm hoping for no nightmares tonight...stupid pills! :/

Shopping...

Got up at 8:45 this morning. Didn't go to sleep til around 3 am. Sleeping was nothing but nightmares so I just finally gave up & got up. *sighs*

About an hour after I got up, Mom texted about going to get new tires today. Said she'd be here by 1 pm. I did kitty litter & washed dishes while I was waiting. Really...I just wanted to nap! About the time I'd gotten dressed, she texted that she was running late. An hour later, I asked if we could just put it off...I was about to fall asleep at this point. :/ She was just about to leave then. She got here about 2:30 & then we decided to just wait on the tires. Give this used one a shot & see what happens with it. The other 3 seem to still be in ok shape. So then she wanted to buy me a tv instead. I don't watch tv! And it has nothing to do with the old tv set that I have & everything to do with not having a DVR! So I mentioned needing a purse instead. We went to Wal-Mart & I ended up with a shirt, hoodie, 2 purses & a new set of dishes...PLUS she wouldn't let me pay for my ibuprofen, Advil Migraine, batteries & carpet deodorizer...lol! Sheesh. Then we went to Pizza Hut & had dinner. Even brought some of mine home for later (tomorrow)! ;-p

I won't be going to her house for xmas. They have a poker game/party xmas eve & then possibly going to Ft Lauderdale to Bud's brother's on xmas day. So...yay...I can just be lazy that day! ;-p

Too late for a nap now. *sighs* I'm gonna try to watch a movie & stay awake for as long as I can. I'm not really opening tomorrow but I don't hafta close either.

Rainy Saturday...

It's been cool & drizzly all day.

I opened. Wasn't too busy except one point when I was waiting on 3 customers. Cindy sent me a text. I didn't answer...so she called! Sheesh. Wanted me to put aside The Autobiography of Mark Twain for a friend of her's, if we still had it. Lori, Kelli & Savannah came in at 10. Cindy came by a little after 11 for a few minutes. We stayed pretty constant most of the day but not super busy. Savannah left around 1 or so. Lori left at 2:30. It pretty much died around 4 & I started fighting sleep. lol I left at 5. I've had dinner & am seriously contemplating a nap! haha Off tomorrow so no worries about when I sleep. ;-p I've not really been feeling well all day. Just wanna lay down. Think I will...snuggle with Bastian. :-)

Oh...& I found my ringtones on my phone!! :D All is right with the world...*giggles* Now...nite nite...ZzZzzzZZzzZzzzzZzz...

SPAZZ!!!!!!!!!!

OMG.

Ok. Today was...OMG. Apparently, Cindy was hung over today. That made her...unbearable!! Manda was working in the garage. Kelli was here, there & everywhere. Doing the order, etc. I...was stuck on counter...with Cindy. Yeah. By 2 pm...I was ready to KILL her!! I reached my limit with her...so I walked to the back where Kelli & Manda were & said...somebody else needed to get up front. NOW!! You see...I don't DO that. Like...EVER!! So when I did, Manda knew it was critical & stopped where she was & came to the counter. I then went to Room 3 & calmly rearranged my saga spinner. Yep...

Cindy ended up leaving around 3:30ish. She was getting to the point of being sick. Manda needed to leave at 4:30 so Kelli left for a while to run some errands so she could come back to close with me.

Around 4:30, Manda & I discovered the icing on the cake. Ok...little background here...we are all pissed that Cindy takes a paycheck every month & then bitches constantly about not having money for our payroll. It's not the taking a paycheck that's so aggravating. It's the AMOUNT! It's astronomical!! Ok...more background...we have always gotten a xmas bonus. Generally $300-$400. Cindy gave us a bonus...kicking & screaming. For $100!!!! Like REALLY?! But we're basically just...whatever about it. UNTIL...we discovered that she gave HERSELF a bonus today of $300!!!!!!!! We are all OVER her at this point!! She hasn't got a single clue...about anything!

Kelli came back around 4:45 just as Manda was leaving & then we closed at 6. I'm opening tomorrow. Will just be me & Kelli. No Cindy...THANK GAWD!! And she is taking Monday off, too! YAY!!! I will play it by ear tomorrow as to when I leave.

Kat said I could call T-Mobile & have them resend me the ringtones that I'd purchased. So I tried it. The girl put all 4 of them through. That was 2 1/2 hours ago & they haven't come through yet. *sighs* So I doubt they will...ugh. Maybe Dylan can get them for me after all. :/ I'm really only concerned about Clumsy. Pffft...yeah...I've had that one since the beginning. CAN'T not have it now...

What a DAY!!

Sooo...I go out to leave for work this morning & as I'm driving down the driveway (not an actual driveway but just the yard), I'm thinking "Something doesn't feel right..." I turn onto the street & I IMMEDIATELY knew something definitely wasn't right! Holy crap! So I pulled into the driveway next door, backed out & came back into my driveway...just barely. As I got out of the car, the guy from across the street was on the sidewalk, walking his dogs. He says "Your tire is totally SHOT!" FML!! I go around the car & the right front tire was completely OFF the rim!! I started to panic. I was already kinda running late & I was supposed to be opening! :/ He asked if I wanted him to fix it & I thanked him but said I needed to call someone to take me to work. Thinking...I walked back to the house to see if Judy was up yet. Nope. Kitchen was dark. I knew Manda or Cindy wouldn't be up yet...cuz they weren't due in til 10. Thinking...thinking...& it hit me! Just before I logged out of FB, I'd noticed Kelli was online. That meant...she was AWAKE!! So I called her. 1st thing she said was that she just KNEW I wasn't calling her at 8:30 am...LMAO!! ;-p Told her about FB & then I told her I needed a ride to work. By the time she came outta the house, I was standing by her van. *laughs*

Judy texted me about 9:30. She'd left her purse in my trunk last night! I told her about the tire. Said she had a dr appointment at 11 but would come by & get my car key. Then she said she'd call AAA & have them come fix it!

Cindy came in about 9:45 & freaked out, wondering where my car was. Manda did the same thing at 10...lol. Kelli came in & grabbed my car key shortly after that. WHILE all of this is going on, Judy & I are texting, I'm texting with Kat (& she is making me laugh about her dream & trying to tell me what to do with my freaking phone that won't work)...AND I'm trying to WORK!! haha Soon...started texting with mom about the car. Then getting texts from Kelli & Judy..& phone calls from Judy...lol! OMG. I so was NOT functioning well! Not to mention...I was feeling really crappy! I was freezing to death...& felt like I was running a fever. :-(

I started feeling better after we had lunch. Judy let me know that tire was dry-rotted...but there was a puncture on the sidewall so she was going to go get a used tire to replace it. Then mom decided she'd buy me 4 new tires. But NOT today. I've had enough of today! ;-p Next week or 2...whenever we can get together & I have time to go over there. She said the guy across the street (that I saw this morning) is who put the new tire on. Not AAA.

Manda took me home at 4:30. I then got my key from Judy & went to the bank. Cindy gave us a small xmas bonus after all! ;-) That's gonna come in handy...lol!

Finally got home about 5:30...& started messing with this fucking phone again. *SIGHS* I sent what pictures I wanted to keep to my email & copied down my phonebook peeps...just in case. Manda says Dylan can get me my ringtones back that I no longer have now. :/ We'll see. Anyway...so the phone works now! I'm still not all that impressed with it. Too aggravated still to be impressed yet! ;-p Maybe now that it actually works...ROFL! :D

Now...I'm crashing. I've been fighting it since 6:30!! hahaha

Party!!

Work was...work. Pretty normal day...lol. Judy texted me that I had a UPS package. Couldn't figure out what it could be. Knew my phone had shipped the day before but...they'd given me a delivery date of the 19th! So I got off at 4:30, went to Publix & picked up cupcakes for the party & came home. It WAS my phone! WOW. Ok. lol I was only home for an hour before it was time to leave for the party so I played with it a little. Called T-Mobile to activate it & add the data plan.

I drove me, Kelli & Judy to the party. Judy had surgery on her knee the 10th & she still can't drive & Kelli wanted to be able to drink...lol. We got to Amanda's & everybody just hung out & chatted til Anna finally got there. lol Then we sat down & did our gift exchange. That was funny! Judy drew #1 & she ended up opening 3 or 4 things cuz people kept stealing whatever she'd open! HAHA Amanda drew my bookmarks & DARED anyone to take them from her! ROFL!!! I KNEW she'd want them! :D I ended up with a $10 Target Gift Card. I hate Target...*snorts*. And I dunno where one is here! LOL It's nearby...I just have no clue. Cindy ended up asking me if Mom could make her 3 more of those bookmarks by Wednesday! haha I've emailed her to find out. After the gifts, we played Left-Right-Center. That's ALWAYS a blast! ;-) Judy won the 1st 2, Manda the 3rd & Cindy the last. Cindy ended up sliding me her pot of quarters cuz she said I'd given all my quarters to her anyway...LMAO...which is kinda true. *snickers* We started winding down after that. Karen & I switched gifts...LMAO! She'd gotten a little stone necklace. Not something I'll use either but whatever. ;-p I happened to check my phone & Kat had tried to call...then texted...lol. I told her I was still at the party but she wanted to call anyway. So I said ok. Heh. Manda immediately gave me the *stink eye*! AHAHAHAHA!!! Then Judy & Kelli gave me shit all the way home for being on the phone. ;-p

Diane didn't get to come to the party. :-( We are gonna lose her...SOON...I'm afraid. She had chemo yesterday morning & she is spasming so bad that they had given her Oxicodone. Karen took everyone's money donations & the Nora Robert's book with the bookmark for her "free books forever" gift from Cindy. :-( She'll take that over to her today or sometime.

I got home just before 9 & started messing around with the BlackBerry again. *SIGHS* I really do not like technology! The Wi-Fi seems to work...but nothing else! Can't make/receive calls or texts. I gave up at midnight & went to bed.

Up at 5 am...I'm not very awake. Ugh. Phone still doesn't work. Checked my T-Mobile account online. I see the addition of the data plan...but it still shows my old phone & not the BlackBerry. Wonder if they just haven't activated it yet?? She'd asked me if I wanted to use my old SIM card since it wasn't that old. I said sure...I have NO idea!! I'd put it in the BlackBerry last night but it told me to wipe it & I don't wanna lose that info so I put the new SIM card back in there. I have no freaking idea!! *sighs heavily & whines* Guess I'll fuck around with it some more when I get home tonight. GAH!!! Kat needs to be here to do this! *snorts* I'm taking it with me to work. Manda will prolly mess with it, too. haha ;-p

REALLY?!

Uhh...so...no movie.

INSTEAD...I got to deal with childish rants. Yay. Go me. Jennifer decided to text. o.0 I don't know her area code but it only took reading a couple of words to know who it was. If she actually MATTERED to me, I'd be pissed off. Or hurt. I'm neither. Just perturbed that she wants to wait a week or so to say anything. She stayed true to form & got nasty & bitter. And that's fine. She can say whatever she wants. Just like I can. She doesn't scare me with her threats. She can't control me either...she never could! My blog is just that...MINE!! I can say whatever the fuck I please about ANYONE!! People need to figure that out! My SL profile...same thing!! It's mine. Get over it. Her words were meant to cut & hurt...I realize that. Sorry about her luck there...it didn't work. Made me even more sure of how immature she still is. There's not enough therapy in the world for her! And everyone will keep treating her like shit as long as she continues to act like a 5 year old & purposefully lie. She'll figure that out one day...maybe.

I'm even more glad of making the decision to just cut her loose. I don't need toxic people in my life. Nor liars. I don't have the time for it...

So, unless she pulls another childish stunt, I'm FINALLY done with her. And that has nothing whatsoever to do with her little threats. If she'd bother to notice, I hadn't talked about her...& I haven't talked about her since she left here unless she starts something...

After all, SHE is the one reading MY blog...really?! o.0

Not Much of Anything!

Got up around 9:30, I think. Manda called...thinking I was on my way to work. lol Was pretty nippy in here this morning (running only one heater) so I just stayed in bed except to get coffee! ;-p

Chores...went by the wayside. Heh. *shrugs* I didn't wanna get out of the covers! LOL

Sooo...instead...I spent the day creating a video! .977 is running a contest so that's why I created it. I won't place...but the idea of the video...is something I've been thinking about for quite a while now. So...now I have something tangible for my thoughts.

By the time I was done with that, it was about 4:30 & I ended up laying down for a nap til almost 7. Oops! lol Got up...even though I really didn't wanna...messed around for a bit & since it was so late, figured no phone call tonight so I went to the store & to get some dinner. Get home & realize she DID call...I just didn't hear the phone in my pocket. *sighs* Oh, well. Guess I start today with not really talking to her or *needing* to...all that often...

I'm opening tomorrow. When I get off, I gotta go find something at Publix to take to our Book Club Christmas Party! I still hafta wrap my gift, too. I don't have any tape here! lol Sheesh...*sighs* Will do that at work tomorrow, I guess. I've gotta get some quarters, too, cuz we're supposed to play Left-Right-Center.

Now...a movie...then more sleep. I just wanna sleep forever...

This Wasn't A Monday!

At 7 am, got a FB message from Kelli...she was gonna sleep in & show up whenever. lol Was ok. Manda was opening anyway...

A couple of weeks ago, we'd gotten in an old book. I've been drooling over it ever since. BUT...since it's the only one like it that we have...I couldn't take it. lol *sighs* It's the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe. :D We were talking about it again on Saturday...because of the Poe artwork I'd taken a picture of in SL Friday night. ;-p Cindy had mentioned she thought she has (personally) a 1927 edition leather bound...complete works. She'd give it to me if I wanted it. lol I denied it, of course. Instead...I searched Ingram & found a hardback complete for $12.99. It's on backorder but I didn't really care. I'll get it eventually. ;-) Cindy texted me at 9 am (she's taking today off to play Grandma):

I have a soft small leatherbound edition of Poe complete from 1927 in perfect condition. Do you want it as a Xmas and I love you gift?

Awwww!!! *grins* I responded back to her that I'd already ordered that one for myself but that was really sweet of her! ;-)

Internet started acting up so I finally gave up & got to work at 9:30. Cindy came by right after I got there, with little Cameron...dropping some books off. She didn't bring him in...he was sacked out in the car seat but I had to go see him. He was tiny last I saw him & OMG...he's HUGE!!! hahahaha Big ole hands & feet...solid chunk! Soooo freaking adorable!! :D She had the Poe book with her & showed it to me. lol It was...freaking AWESOME...I can't lie! She said she'd gotten it at an estate sale years ago...it's not her cup of tea & Todd won't appreciate it either so she'd prefer if it went to someone who would cherish it. Heh. If I were to take THAT book, I'd hafta build a glass-encased shrine for it! ;-p I don't think I'd even attempt to read it!! The pages were almost like rice paper...super thin & whispy & OMG...the leather was ultra-soft! *drools* But...again, I told her...I have one on order. ;-)

My Poe affinity began in 7th grade with The Raven. Tell-Tale Heart is my 2nd favorite. But, several times through school...I did projects & reports about him. For a time, I even patterned some of my own poetry after him. I'm not sure why I've always been so drawn to him. I just have...

Kelli finally came in. lol All 3 of us were a bit retarded today. It wasn't all that busy either. So it made for an interesting day! *smirks* Wasn't NOWHERE near being a normal Monday! ;-p Manda left at 4:30. I ended up leaving at 5:30...it was dead. I made a comment about not being off til Saturday & how much that sucked...lol...then Kelli realized that meant she had BOTH me & Manda off Saturday...eep! lol So I agreed to take tomorrow off instead & work Saturday. :-)

After work, went to Wal-Mart to get kitty food. Simple task...right??? NOT!! Holy Hell...that place was a freaking ZOO!!! Finally got home. It was chilly in here so I turned both heaters on (ran them both all night last night). Within a minute or so, the breakers tripped & all the power went off. :/ They came back on & I tried again. Off they went! Argh! Minute later, back on...& Judy called me. lol CRAP!! I dunno why it worked last night but not tonight but I haven't tried running them both again. *sighs* And I won't...

Kat called. A couple of times. lol I was picking on her about being High Maintenance. Cuz she IS...in several areas! ;-p Then she said I was, too. *sighs* Yeah, yeah...whatever! *snorts* Fine. I won't be anymore...*sighs heavily* ;-p

Dinner & a Sci Fi movie. Now...I'm thinking sleep. I've got chores to do tomorrow. And stuff for the website. I may hafta start taking those nightmare-inducing pills again. My head has been pounding the last 2 days again...UGHHHHH!!! :/

Solemn Day...

Got up at 10 this morning. Really didn't wanna but...I'd been sleeping since around midnight...lol. By the time I'd been up for an hour, I'd made the decision of doing no chores today. Just NOT in the mood. It's rainy out & dark & gloomy & cold. I felt the same way...

Went onto T-Mobile's website. STILL can't access anything! Keeps telling me I need to get the Primary Account Holder to make changes. DUH!! I AM the Primary!! When I switched accounts last month, she told me that it might take a month for all the info to transfer between accounts. Well...whatever...this is just STUPID! So I called. Girl I got this time said she didn't even have the option of making me the PAH! How retarded?! BUT...she was able to sign me up for Paperless Billing...so that was at least one thing done. She said it might take a couple of days to be able to upgrade my phone though. *sighs* But she could do it over the phone if I knew which phone I wanted. Well, it's been a month since I looked at the phones but I told her that I'd been interested in the Samsung Comeback. Ok. Uh oh...but guess what?! It's no longer available!! SERIOUSLY?! OMG...!! So I said never mind...I'm gonna hafta look at em again sometime later. When I hung up, I got a text from T-Mobile, saying my PAH info had been changed. Umm...ok?? So I logged back into the website &...VOILA!!! I could upgrade my phone!! GAWD!! *sighs* Except...I don't wanna pay much (if anything) for a new phone. There were 3 available. Some crappy neon blue thing...& 2 Blackberrys. Ok, it was actually one Blackberry...in 2 different colors. Whatever. *SIGHS* I don't want to be the snob that has a Blackberry...like REALLY?! o.0 I've been AGAINST Blackberry (& now iPhone) cuz of Kat. For years now! LMAO! *shrugs* Dunno why really...just don't wanna be a part of THAT society, I guess. Ugh. Data plan equals more money. $20 more per month actually. Can I do it?? :/ On & off the website a couple more times. *sighs* Ok, fine...I finally ordered the Blackberry Curve in Smoky Violet. :/ I should be excited, right?? Not so much. I've been fighting a Blackberry for 3+ years...& here I had no choice...unless I just wanted to keep the phone I've got...crap...oh, well.

That decision...created another one. I HAVE to quit smoking now!! Yikes. No ifs, ands or buts. Cuz I will not be able to afford to now. Period!

Mom texted & said I needed a 2nd space heater...& that she was on her way to buy it. They're playing poker in town tonight so she told me where to meet her. lol I asked why I needed a 2nd one. The one I have works fine. It's close to the bed so I'm good. When it was down in the 30s last week, it was fine. Well, it was fine til I got out of bed & say...went to the bathroom! ;-p Showers were interesting! *smirks* It's supposed to be in the 30s tonight. 25 tomorrow night...with 25 mph winds...so she was worried...*chuckles*

A couple more hours of doing nothing & I finally broke down & texted Kat. :/ I've DETESTED weekends since I met her. I generally don't get to talk to her on weekends. It's always been that way. And it never fails...it's the weekends that shit tends to happen. Ugh. o.0 Texted her that I was missing her. :/ She ended up calling me a bit later. She was out shopping. *chuckles* Surprise there! ;-p But things have happened...that I haven't been able to tell her about. Big things. Little things. Inbetween things. And it was starting to suffocate me. :-(

Went to meet mom after the phone call to get my heater. *laughs* Grabbed pizza on the way home. After eating, I went down to get the heater out of the car. Coming back up, carrying it...I tripped over Bastian. FML!! I have a bruise forming on my thigh, my elbow & shoulder that I landed on are hurting...AND...I chipped my front tooth! AWESOME. *rolls eyes & sighs heavily* At least the heater still works. :/ I put it together & it's on now. *sighs*

I've started a movie. 2 weeks til xmas &...it's closing in on me a little more each day...whether I attempt to avoid it or not. :/ Going to lay down & finish my movie now...

Blast From the Past...

Cindy was at work all day. They didn't call her for the jump til almost 3 & it was too late then cuz Manda was leaving at 4:30. lol Manda worked in the garage. I was on counter. We stayed pretty busy but the day seemed to drag quite a bit. :/ I'm gonna be HATING next week!! UGH...5 days in a row! I'm not off til Saturday. Yikes.

Mom brought the other bookmark to me today. It's TOO cute! ;-p

Got home & did a load of laundry. No time for anything else cuz...had a 4 hour phone call with Lee...

She started off by apologizing for being a cunt. lol It didn't take long for things to be said...things that USED to be said. Her feelings for me. Her jealousy. Her treating me like an object. That she's still in love with me--always will be. That everything was always all about her & she never cared about anything else. She was selfish. That she'd gotten beyond the point of wanting me as her sub & wanted me as her girlfriend, lover...wife...& that scared her so she went into bitch mode to cover it up. She's a coward cuz no matter what she feels inside...she doesn't have the courage to come out to her family & LIVE as a bi/lesbian woman. That's why she couldn't deal with wanting me in her life & not being able to fully do it. She talked about me coming to see her. Get a 6 month Visa & stay with her & Kayla. She could help me get a job with her, doing Court Reporting. If I wanted to get my own place, I could but I could also stay with them. Work on obtaining dual citizenship...cuz Canada is my 2nd choice of place to live! *sighs*

She said all of the right things. *laughs* And while...I was smiling & sorta getting the warm fuzzies...the bigger part of me was like...yeah, right! I don't trust her. Oh, I'm sure she cares about me...there was never a doubt about that. Just like I care about her. But I don't believe she can handle it...or be the kind of person I can handle.

But we'll take it one day at a time...til she blows a gasket & we stop speaking. Again. lol

There was an instant connection when I met her. Just like with Kat. I will never fully be able to let her go from my life. Just like with Kat. I was ALWAYS between a rock & a hard place between the 2 of them. But there's NO denying that when one of them is absent...or Ben...a piece of me is missing...dead...non-existent...void. That's what makes this so freaking complicated & hard to do! :/

Kayla got on the phone when she got home, squealing & giggling...& told Lee not to fuck up this time & lose me again. LMAO!!!! She's almost 17. Sweet, funny, adorable kid but...OMG...is she a HANDFUL! She's really been through some shit...& putting Lee through Hell. But I think she'll be ok when she grows up. ;-) I've missed talking to her...

I dunno. It is what it is. Whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen. I'm not looking forward to the chaos...but I know it's coming! When Lee is a part of my world...the chaos is always there! o.0

She's BAAAAAACK!!!

LOL!! Uh oh. I woke up this morning to a FB Friend Request from...Lee (Talon). *snorts* I accepted. 0.0 We'll see. Not really talked to her much yet. She messaged me a hello after. I asked her what prompted this. She said..."It's Christmas...we always make up at Christmas!" hahaha I haven't talked to her since...I dunno...April or May...?? But I KNOW her. I know how she is. So we'll see how long it lasts...this time...

Confirmed!!

Ok...so after my trip into SL...my decision to not continue trying to be friends with Jennifer is confirmed. What I saw there just proved that she lied. As if I already didn't have that idea from FB alone!? Yeah. So be it.

Done...

One Down...One to Go!

Was cool, gray & rainy today. I liked it. lol But our cool front is leaving. Supposed to be back up into the 70s tomorrow. *sighs* Back in the 50s Mon-Wed & then 70s again for the rest of the week.

I opened this morning. Cindy got there at 9. Manda showed up about 9:15. Then Lori shortly after. Kelli & Claire trickled in around 10. I finally got to ESCAPE the counter & finished my spinners in Room 3! :D Well...technically...I got through my alphabet!! I still have one whole side of my last spinner empty. The spinner across from it is all the old historical saga crap & it's super crowded so I'm gonna thin it out & put some of it on my empty side (Kelli's idea). It's either that or go around & pull excess out of the 50,000 light romances & put them there...lol. Sagas will be easier! ;-p But that'll be next week...

Kelli is off tomorrow. Manda is opening. I'm closing. Cindy will be there...sometime! hahaha We really have no idea! She's planning on doing a jump tomorrow (skydiving) but we aren't sure if she's doing it early morning or noonish. We'll know when she shows up. *smirks*

I got home & fixed my door covering the kids had torn up last night. No dinner. Manda & I had a big lunch. Mexican! :-) Then I watched Eight Crazy Nights. It was kinda dumb. I'm not a big fan of Adam Sandler anyway. *shrugs* 7:30 pm & I was ready for bed! lol That's too early. So I had some hot chocolate. Now I'm here. Think I'll read for a bit til I can't keep my eyes open.

I need to go in SL & pay rent. lol Just thought about that...

Speaking of SL...I'm done with Jennifer. I've finally decided. I can't be her friend. Her actions aren't allowing it. I mean...I get it. I do! But I gave it a shot, on the off-chance it'd work out. It's easier just to go our separate ways. The drama simply isn't worth it...

Again?!

Stayed up later than I intended to. Was watching Confessions of a Shopaholic. Really cute! So it was about midnight before I went to sleep. *sighs*

MORE dreams! FFS!! These were more like nightmares though. *sighs* Woke up around 2:30 am, crying. Gah. Bastian was laying on my side, kneading at me. He never gets ON me when I'm sleeping. :/ Finally fell back asleep sometime after 3:30...

So it's clear...that these pills...are not playing fair!! My head feels normal but they make me sleepy & then they make me freaking DREAM!!!! *growls loudly* It's funny...Manda said Zyrtec gave her wicked nightmares. Wonder why stuff does that?? :/

Anyway...up again at 5. Hope today goes smoothly cuz I'm soooo sleepy! :-(

During the night, the kids ripped one corner of the door covering loose. Argh! I just put that up yesterday!! So...guess I'll be doing some more banging when I get home tonight. I have it nailed in on all 4 corners of the door & 1 on each side, in the middle.

So far, this morning...I keep thinking it's Monday! Crap. lol Hate when I get my days screwed up. ;-p It's FRIDAY!!! 2 days & I have another day off... :D

Not According to Plan...

Used the Neti Pot last night. It wasn't as weird or scary as I'd expected!! LOL And...WOW at how well I could breathe afterwards!! hahaha

Finally laid down around 3 am last night...lol. I didn't sleep well. Dreams. UGH! 3 that I remember. I had debated with myself for quite awhile last night, before finally going to bed...on whether or not I should text Ben today. I can't even tell you when the last I spoke to him was. :/ And when it's been so long, I get really nervous about contacting him...cuz I dunno what's going on with him & all. :/ Anyway, the mental debate coupled with the Pseudoephedrine...I attribute to causing the disturbing dreams. I mean, they weren't disturbing as in...something bad happened. Ok...semi-bad but it seemed to work itself out in the end. But disturbing cuz I'm subconsciously thinking about this stuff. Anyway!! Woke up the 1st time at 6 am. Back to sleep & awake again at 7:15. Back asleep & back up at 8:45. I gave up & actually got up then. I didn't want more dreams!! In hindsight...one of them was sorta foreshadowing...*sighs*

Kat started texting around 9:30. Here's where the foreshadowing comes in. :/ That will be something that will need to develop farther before there's an "answer" to it.

I got up once the texts drifted off. Took the trash out, did kitty litter, vacuumed, did the dishes. Then I started watching Shrek Forever After!! LOVED it!! I think this is my favorite out of all 4 of them!! :-) The music was great, fat Puss was freaking hilarious, there was a gay ogre character...I giggled every time he spoke!! Then towards the end...I cried over a single line. *sighs* "The best thing about today...was that I got to fall in love with you all over again." I guess I cried cuz it reminded me of Secondhand Serenade's Fall For You...*sighs*

Then I got a text from Ben! Apologizing for being quiet. He's just been distracted. I immediately texted Kat & asked her what she said to him to make him text me...LOL!!! I mean...the day had already started off ironically enough...for this to just be another coincidence!! o.0 But, no, she said she didn't say anything to him. Weirdness...

Stacy texted me & said she'd just run into Cindy at Target. Said she looked like complete shit & asked how she was & she said "Not good at all!" I told her that Cindy & Kelli have really been butting heads lately & Cindy is beyond frustrated. Stacy said..."Fuck her! She made her bed..." LOL!! True. And she still refuses to listen to anybody. I'm out of ideas of what to do. We ALL are. It just is what it is at this point & we're just riding this sinking ship...*sighs*

By the time the movie was over, pills were kicking in again so I knew if I tried to read, I'd be out like a light! Grr. Did some personal maintenance...lol. Eyebrows & nails. Went to get cigs & dinner, hoping that'd help wake me up a bit. Nope. Not really. By the time Kat called, I was barely hanging on! :/ I was awake afterwards though...

So...it's relatively clear that I can't take these pills & still function. Gah. Oh, well. I'm feeling pretty much NORMAL at this point & that's a very good thing!!

I read through this book that I'd brought home from work the other day. LOL!!! Today I Will Nourish My Inner Martyr: Affirmations for Cynics. ROFL!!! I got a crap-load of stuff for use as future FB statuses!!! *dies laughing*

No word from Jenn. And that's fine. It's her choice...

I think it's probably too late for another movie...but I might attempt it anyway. Gotta open tomorrow...

So the day didn't quite go according to plan. I shouldn't be surprised. They almost NEVER go according to plan! Heh...& I'm winding down the evening with Nixon showing up. *SIGHS* I'm so freaking ready for menopause!!! *growls*

"Don't Believe In Love" by Dido

Like...OMG!!! Holy cow!! Just now discovered this song &...it is 110% ME!!!! It's really kinda scary even...but...it explains...a LOT!! *sighs*

Relief??

Was a quiet morning. Just me & the boys. :D Got my 1st customer at 9:30. Cindy came in about 9:45. Manda & Claire trickled in a bit after 10...lol. We stayed pretty busy most of the day. Manda finished up her project. I worked counter. Cindy wasn't as spastic today...lmao! There were a few CRAZY moments but overall, it was a good day. Except...my head was pounding like usual. They could tell something was up...so I started talking about it. I've complained about the headache before...right before Thanksgiving (that's when all of this really started). They feel like almost migraines. But everything on my head HURTS!! The headache, my eyes, my nose, my ears, my teeth...all of it. Plus fever. I didn't even CONSIDER allergies or sinuses cuz...well, I'm not congested, no runny/stuffy nose...none of that usual stuff. Manda immediately said sinus infection. Cindy agreed with low-grade sinus infection or even infection in my teeth (which is HIGHLY possible cuz I have so much trouble with my teeth!) But...if it's my teeth, I can usually tell that cuz there's swelling & tenderness in my gums. I've not really had that. Plus...before Thanksgiving, I'd used up the rest of my Amoxicillin, just to see if that's what it was. It didn't help. Cindy suggested Zyrtec. Manda suggested Pseudoephedrine. And using a Neti pot! When I got off work, I went to Walgreens. Talked to the pharmacist. Zyrtec is for allergies. Sneezing, itchy/watery eyes...blah, blah, blah...which I don't have. The Pseudoephedrine is for sinus pressure, etc. That's what I got. That's what Manda had given me a sample of & it had already started to help some so figured $4 vs $15 was a better choice, too! LOL Got the Neti pot...though I haven't attempted to use it yet...haha...I'm skeered! ;-p

Got home. Took more drugs. Attempted to watch a movie. Couldn't keep my eyes open so I was asleep before 7! Meh...missed Kat's phone call. :/ Woke up at 10 pm. Sheesh! Typically I'd now be up ALL night...but...maybe when I take more drugs...I'll go to sleep at a somewhat decent hour...*chuckles*

So after 2 doses...I'm feeling a little human. Got "medicine head" a tiny bit BUT...the pressure...is almost not there at all. No headache. Nothing is pounding or aching atm. No fever. So...umm...YAY!! :D

Off tomorrow. I planned on doing nothing but reading or movies. However, if I'm still feeling good...I may spend some time working on the website. ;-)

Drama...

Up at 4 am cuz of the kids jumping off the headboard. *sighs*

Last night, Jenn posted this as her FB status:

"I think I am going to just disapear for a while fall off the face of the earth so I can get myself together and forget the things that have been dragging me down .... So with that let's see who is still around when I return. *shrugs*"

Dunno WHO or what she's talking about but my 1st reaction was...UGH!! CONTINUED drama!! Grrr!! This was on the tail-end of her posting a video of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. Yeah. I have my own reasons for loving that song. Hell...I fell in love with it as a child...the ORIGINAL! Dolly Parton...from the movie Best Little Whore House in Texas. Anyway...makes me glad that she's not texting me that much. o.0 I simply don't have the ability to deal with anybody else's drama atm...*sighs*

Last several days, she's been posting to FB via her phone, has her Yahoo on Mobile & still in SL most of the time. So...her version of falling off the face of the earth will be interesting to see...

And I guess I should correct my statement about her texting me. I don't care if she texts. It's fine, really. BUT...only if it's drama-free. No "pushing" me to talk to her. It's why I tend to prioritize my texting. If I get something that seems to be off into an emotional territory that I don't want to go...I'm short with it. I do that with Kat, too, lately. I pretty much totally ignore Angel's texts & calls (cuz I really don't have the energy for her AT ALL!!) Ben doesn't text. My mom, Kelli, Amanda...are my usual suspects. I always answer them. I get random texts from Stacy, Michele, Tamara, Tanya & Jodi. When I say my phone blows up...this is what I mean. I'm a week into my new billing cycle & already have over 1100 texts! IF...Jenn, Kat & Ben were texting like NORMAL...yeah...it'd be double that...EASY! o.0

Opening this morning. Cindy may or may not be there when I get there (or shortly after). Manda will be late cuz of chiro appointment. Kelli is off. Meaning...I will be stuck on counter again today. :/ Then I'm off tomorrow...YAY!!!! And I have ZERO plans of crap I gotta do! :D Well, except kitty litter & dishes...LOL! I'm gonna lay in bed & read. :-) Super low stress level is what I'm aiming for...*chuckles & crosses fingers*

Pressure...

UGH!!! Soooo...full crew today. I SHOULDA been able to finish spinners but...nooooooo!! Kelli & Cindy are 5 years old & Kelli didn't wanna be around her today, if possible. Granted, Cindy snapped at Kelli 1st thing this morning & that started it all up again. *sighs* Manda was busy finishing up her project. So...yep...I got stuck with counter. Manda will tell anybody IN A HEARTBEAT how well & how often I just tune them out...LMAO!! But Cindy got on my last nerve...a few times! FFS!! I just wanna gag her, tie her up & throw her in the fucken garage sometimes!!! Jeezus Christ...

This constant headache...that I've been having for...hell...I dunno...WEEKS now...??...is really wearing me down & putting me on edge a lot. :/ It's making my teeth ache, too. As well as my ears. I spend most of the day feeling like I'm running fever on top of it all.

My nerves are basically shot. Probably why I'm having such trouble dealing with people & their BS. I have a really short fuse, I'm starting to block things & people out of my "bubble" & all I wanna do is just sleep...

Mom came by the store this afternoon & brought me the skeleton bookmark. :-) She says she's gonna make me a spider one to go with it, too. LOL!

Got a text from Jenn in the afternoon. Apologizing that she's not been texting. Wanted me to know she's not ignoring me...but is still sick & just laying in bed, waiting til time to go to work. Ok. lol *shrugs* I don't really care if she texts or not. Right now, I don't spend a lot of time texting while at work. I CAN'T!! It's too crazy to be able to. Nevermind, that I just...really...whatever...*sighs*

Ok...well, texting at work is...uhh...prioritized...let's just leave it at that...

When I walked in the house after work tonight, Bastian greeted me at the door (like usual)...I think that was the 1st time I've truly exhaled & relaxed since the moment I left here this morning. :/

Got my phone call from Kat shortly after I got home. I love her phone calls. No denying that. Ben's xmas wish list item...was funny...but not so much! *sighs* I feel bad cuz I wasn't all that responsive to her. :/ But I'm really sinking into a bunch of stuff right now. I'm shutting down again. It's not all her. I'm just getting overwhelmed with life, I'm exhausted, I'm not feeling well & I'm stressed...about a multitude of things. Hearing from her tends to shine a little light into the darkness...regardless. I think she knows that...even if I don't sound like it does sometimes. :/

I should eat. I should lay down & watch a movie. I should go to bed early. Gotta open tomorrow. I should make my head stop pounding...ughhhhh...

Additional Burlesque...

Last night, as Burlesque! was starting...I was texting with Kat. Manda punched me...LMAO! ;-p It was only a few! I stopped about 10 minutes into the movie. Not cuz of Manda...cuz of Kat. Her texts back were short...so I got an odd feeling & just left her alone. Didn't contact her again. :/ But I did tell her she needs to see this movie. I knew that straight away! After seeing the whole thing now...she definitely would enjoy it. ;-)

This morning, I tweeted to Christina & Cher...lol. Left a post on Cher's FB, too. Yeah...I feel like a kid with a crush on a star atm!! AHAHAHAHA Oh, well...*shrugs*

Shower time & then work. Ugh. Ready for the day to be over...

Burlesque! The Movie!!

Work was...quite the PITA today!! Cindy was super spazzy again...& grouchy, too!! She actually yelled at Kelli at one point. I missed the actual moment. But it'd been building. It got to the point where we just stopped telling her shit & let her go ahead & look like an idiot. Kelli was hating me when I left at 4:30...ahahaha!!!

Went home for a little while & then Manda & Dylan picked me up at 7 so we could go to see Burlesque!

O. M. G. !!!!!!!!!! I am in LOVE!!!! *giggles* The "burlesque" pieces of it just couldn't be any better!! Christina was cast perfectly for this part!! Who knew she could act?! haha Girl belted out several numbers. Cher. She's STILL got it!! ;-) I've loved her since I was 10 yrs old...lol. Her acting hasn't improved (she was never quite ace at that) but her voice...man oh man...I got shivers hearing her sing again after so many yrs of absence! :-) I was disappointed that she only sang 2 numbers though. :/ Her looks...holy hell...WHAT has she done to herself?! She looks...*odd*. Her nose, cheeks & chin seem wider & flatter somehow. Can't really put a finger on it. She's definitely at the point of her plastic surgery is getting dangerously close to becoming grotesque like Joan Rivers, Donna Summer & Michael Jackson. The closest I can get to describing it...(& it took us til after we got in the car to come home to do so) is she looks like she's become one of her many female impersonators that you see from time to time! THAT'S almost it in a nutshell!! She's looking like a man pretending to be her. :/ She's not rail thin anymore either...which I was proud to see on her! She looks good with some meat on her bones! ;-p Back to the movie...there was just enough "gayness" in it, the dialogue was great & had a bunch of comedic moments. I, however, was not impressed with the stupid little romance! *sighs* But...hey...gotta have that in there! *sighs* o.0 Overall...I completely LOVED it!!! :D And...the 3 of us...made up the majority of the people that were in there!! hahahahaha Not crowded whatsoever! Gotta love that! *smirks*

Got home. Took trash out to the road for pick up tomorrow. Ate some veggie lasagna. Now...I think I'm gonna pass out. ;-) Closing tomorrow & we'll have a full crew so I should be able to finish spinners! YAY!! And NOT be around Cindy! lolol

Lately, when Jenn has been texting me...she always starts it by asking how I'm feeling. That's been bothering me! She was meaning emotionally but I wasn't sure of that til today. I just knew it creeped me out a little bit. Couldn't really figure out WHY it bothered me though. My emotions spill out in my blog. I don't talk about them with anyone. So I said something to her about it. Just...basically...I don't want her fishing & trying to get me to *talk* to her. I'm not comfortable with it. :/ Anyhoo...I'm really going to bed now...

Fears...

A few moments spent...trying to convince me my biggest fear won't happen...made my heart smile. :-) However, I know better than to just relax & take things at face-value like that. Expect the worst...then whatever happens won't hurt as bad! She presented a good argument but...still! *chuckles* One day at a time. It's moments like that...that tend to suck me back in...heh. *sighs*

Manda & I are *supposed* to go see the movie Burlesque tonight when I get off work. Though, anything could happen between now & then to prevent it from happening!! Considering we've been meaning to go ever since Thanksgiving!! LOL! ;-p The last time I went to see a movie in a theater was Dec '98!! haha

Finished reading The Secret History of Elizabeth Tudor, Vampire Slayer by Lucy Weston last night! REALLY enjoyed it!! Was pissed off at how it ended though...LMAO!! It MUST be gonna be a series...though I can't find any follow ups slated yet. Grr. It's dated for publication in January '11 but...Ingram has it street dated for Dec 21! I'm gonna suggest Cindy order at least 1 copy...

Now I'm debating finishing Death's Mistress by Karen Chance or Living Nightmare by Shannon K Butcher!! haha The Chance one is one I borrowed from Karen @ book club...like...hell...MONTHS ago!! Was in the summer...sometime?! Butcher one was our book club pick last month...that I didn't finish. ;-p

Speaking of book club, I hafta have a gift for our xmas party gift exchange so I asked mom about the little bookmarks she was gonna attempt to sell...like a yr ago! LOL She's gonna make me one. ;-)

Just me, Cindy & Kelli today so I'll be stuck on counter. Gah. STILL haven't finished the spinners in Room 3...cuz I can't ever get back there! :/

Is it Thursday yet?! o.0 Ready for my day off already...*sighs*

Just a Sunday...

Woke up around 9:30...not that I really wanted to be up just yet! lol

Did laundry (sheets & towels), organized the photos on my comp (been wanting to do that for AGES now!), went through some books for Judy to see if it was stuff we wanted to buy for the store (I only picked out 3 others that Kelli had passed up...lol), kitty litter, unexpected phone call, remade the bed & folded towels & stuff, did the dishes, started veggie lasagna cooking for dinner (takes 2 hrs to cook!)...now I'm here. Will watch a movie shortly & then read til bed. :-) Nice, semi-quiet Sunday. I've missed those! lol Currently waiting on a text from Kelli...to find out if I'm opening or closing tomorrow...

It seems that some people are under the impression that I'm mad at Kat. I'm NOT!! *sighs* There are a few reasons for me backing away from her right now...

** I won't ever be physically close to her. 99.9% of the reason I say that is...I can't do anything for her so I simply do not see any POINT in even bothering to attempt it! The other part of that is...how I react to physical intimacy. That's NOT to say that I don't STILL think/dream about it. Because I DO...more often than I'll ever admit. *sighs* But I have accepted that it's only ever gonna just be my FANTASY...

** Being emotionally close to her...makes me INSANE!! On several levels! 1st, it is an AUTOMATIC reaction for me to fall into the D/s roles we always had. That isn't a current path that we're on anymore. I've accepted that. :/ 2nd, she is upside down in her life right now without any idea of which way is up! When she's like this, she says & does things that hurt me...unintentionally. I take them personally. She constantly speaks of having no support system or friends...& I take that EXTREMELY personally. It makes me feel like complete *nothing*. She will NEVER have any kind of understanding about how much & how often that I would (& still do a lot of times) drop anything & anybody to be there when she needed/wanted me to be. The very degree in which I would do that...goes completely unnoticed & doesn't ever mean anything. It's not in the least bit easy to feel so utterly useless. 3rd, I feel like an idiot most of the time. It always seems like the moment I give her too much of me, she backs off. Ben backs off. And I'm left...standing out in the cold...all alone. I really, really, REALLY do not function well at that point!

** Friendship...was always the one thing we did the best. Friendship is what is still there for her. It will always be there for her. She can handle that much of me right now...but not much else. I absolutely refuse to make her world more complicated. :/ And that has a LOT to do with the sub in me! Simple as that. Don't necessarily wanna complicate my own life either. Anything more than friendship...& it becomes totally complicated! :-(

I AM NOT MAD AT HER!! I truly wish people wouldn't read my blog & then decide they need to step in to save me, or get their feelings hurt, or simply ignore it all together! :/ I think I'm probably bi-polar or something most days...my feelings, thoughts, moods, etc change on a regular basis...I am almost NEVER on an even keel, emotionally. I use my blog to "talk out" all of this crap that's in my head...& heart...because I generally don't have anyone that I will actually TALK to about it...*sighs*

*sighs*

Oh...& I've fallen off the patch wagon again. :/ I just simply CANNOT seem to fight the craving...*sighs*

Relaxing...

Was on counter today. Cindy was extra spazzy. Between her & Lori, Kelli & I were ready to find a speeding train to step in front of! :/ We woulda been better off if she hadn't been there at all.

Town's xmas parade was this evening. Cindy ended up closing at 5. With most of the Blvd blocked off & the entire town gathered down this strip...there was no point in just sitting there. I actually left at 4:45. She only had Jim left in there (his weekly Saturday visit! LOL) even though he tends to stay there forever til she kicks him out! *snorts* Kelli tried to talk me into finding her wherever she was sitting. I would've walked from the house to where she was at. But...me & crowds...*shrugs*...I woulda started to panic before I found her! lol So, instead...I had dinner & watched a movie (that was interrupted by a couple of phone calls)...lol.

I'm really trying to get a grip on this situation I'm finding myself in. It's not easy to dissect & close off parts of yourself but that's what I'm attempting. Shut down the part that cares too much & just leave the "friend" part accessible. In the long run, it's the easiest route. I've said "those 3 little words" too often lately & it's getting me into trouble. Time to STOP it. So...it is what it is. *sighs*

Now...I think I'm gonna read some. I haven't read since just before Thanksgiving!