Did laundry (sheets & towels), organized the photos on my comp (been wanting to do that for AGES now!), went through some books for Judy to see if it was stuff we wanted to buy for the store (I only picked out 3 others that Kelli had passed up...lol), kitty litter, unexpected phone call, remade the bed & folded towels & stuff, did the dishes, started veggie lasagna cooking for dinner (takes 2 hrs to cook!)...now I'm here. Will watch a movie shortly & then read til bed. :-) Nice, semi-quiet Sunday. I've missed those! lol Currently waiting on a text from Kelli...to find out if I'm opening or closing tomorrow...
It seems that some people are under the impression that I'm mad at Kat. I'm NOT!! *sighs* There are a few reasons for me backing away from her right now...
** I won't ever be physically close to her. 99.9% of the reason I say that is...I can't do anything for her so I simply do not see any POINT in even bothering to attempt it! The other part of that is...how I react to physical intimacy. That's NOT to say that I don't STILL think/dream about it. Because I DO...more often than I'll ever admit. *sighs* But I have accepted that it's only ever gonna just be my FANTASY...
** Being emotionally close to her...makes me INSANE!! On several levels! 1st, it is an AUTOMATIC reaction for me to fall into the D/s roles we always had. That isn't a current path that we're on anymore. I've accepted that. :/ 2nd, she is upside down in her life right now without any idea of which way is up! When she's like this, she says & does things that hurt me...unintentionally. I take them personally. She constantly speaks of having no support system or friends...& I take that EXTREMELY personally. It makes me feel like complete *nothing*. She will NEVER have any kind of understanding about how much & how often that I would (& still do a lot of times) drop anything & anybody to be there when she needed/wanted me to be. The very degree in which I would do that...goes completely unnoticed & doesn't ever mean anything. It's not in the least bit easy to feel so utterly useless. 3rd, I feel like an idiot most of the time. It always seems like the moment I give her too much of me, she backs off. Ben backs off. And I'm left...standing out in the cold...all alone. I really, really, REALLY do not function well at that point!
** Friendship...was always the one thing we did the best. Friendship is what is still there for her. It will always be there for her. She can handle that much of me right now...but not much else. I absolutely refuse to make her world more complicated. :/ And that has a LOT to do with the sub in me! Simple as that. Don't necessarily wanna complicate my own life either. Anything more than friendship...& it becomes totally complicated! :-(
I AM NOT MAD AT HER!! I truly wish people wouldn't read my blog & then decide they need to step in to save me, or get their feelings hurt, or simply ignore it all together! :/ I think I'm probably bi-polar or something most days...my feelings, thoughts, moods, etc change on a regular basis...I am almost NEVER on an even keel, emotionally. I use my blog to "talk out" all of this crap that's in my head...& heart...because I generally don't have anyone that I will actually TALK to about it...*sighs*
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