As I suspected...there was no call from Kat last night. I kept myself busy to get through it. *sighs*
I just reread through Kat's texts from yesterday morning. Perspective & frame of mind makes a world of difference!! When I was reading them yesterday, I was stressed to the max at work & reading quickly. Only key words were popping out at me. I mistook the whole tone of them, I think. :/ Today...I see them as...sad, apologetic, depressed & self-depricating...a lot pathetic. :-( I hate when she gets like that. I always have. She made a mistake. The whole world crashes down on her for it & she then gives up. I do that, too. But I *KNOW* I do that!! I don't expect her to fall. And when she does, I have no idea of how to handle it! *sighs*
She apologized a lot at 1st. But...the way she did it, it was as if...she were reiterating the apologies?? See...she thinks so much in her head that she is pretty certain she says things...but they don't actually happen. I never actually got to SPEAK to her just before or as this was all going down the other night!! That was allllll her & Ben! I wasn't involved in it. I didn't know what happened, or what was going on. But she kept talking about how nobody accepts her apologies. I never got one!!! I can't accept what I'm not given! *cries* I wasn't IN it with them...I wasn't part of it. She knows I will forgive her. She just has to give me the chance. She has to let the hurt cycle through.
She spoke in a way that it was all about me walking away from her & letting her go. Sorry. I can't do that. That's already been proven. But she gave my leash to Ben? I still don't understand that part... :/
I don't expect her to be perfect. She was stuck on that a lot. I don't expect her to NOT make mistakes. It's as if it should be quite OK that she misses Andy as a friend & wants to know how he's doing. The problem is...he's not JUST a friend. And the whole situation with him has ripped us all apart. Repeatedly. So...it wasn't that she contacted an old friend. She contacted an "enemy"...a "threat"...a "fear". That's why she always gets the same reaction from Ben & I. I don't think either of us will EVER be *OK* about her talking to him. It is what it is. She needs to understand that. I don't fault her for needing other people in her life to talk to. Just not Andy!! I think if she took a step back & looked at the whole picture, she'd see that. Nobody cares who she talks to or is friends with. Until it comes down to Andy. There is a perfectly good reason behind that! But right now, all she sees is that she was lonely & she turned to someone she used to turn to when she needed someone. In her mind, it should be ok since it's "innocent". For now. I guess what she doesn't get is that...if she were able to just fully let him back into her world...it wouldn't STAY innocent! Both Ben & I see that. She's oblivious sometimes when it comes to this stuff. She has perfectly good intentions & she thinks it'll stay that way. It won't. Above anything else...Andy will fall once again into the role he used to play...& she will get sucked into it, too. She won't be able to resist it. It has nothing to do with what she's planning on it to be like. And has EVERYTHING to do with how Andy will take it & run with it. :/ He STILL hasn't left them alone, after all!! That...is proof in itself of what he will do. I wish she would just see that... :-(
Anyway...I'm off to mom's for the day. Xmas shopping. Yay.
0 comments:
Post a Comment