Old Game Resurfaces...

In the midst of texts...I realized...this is MORE than what I thought it was! *sighs* That age-old game is back in play. Not sure why I didn't automatically suspect it's arrival. Just rusty in dealing with it, I guess. :/

And with it comes her telling me how much better I can do, diminishing my feelings, sarcasm, lashing out, the discovery of things not being shared that should've been...& at the end of it...still holding on. *SIGHS*

I finally TALKED to her on the phone. Yeah...that little move didn't go unnoticed. o.0 She got me to call her...

One thing is still...err...bugging...me. The whole kitten convo. o.0 Little furry beings. Like Sebastian & Sheba. Except...certain comments...drew me somewhere else. :/ She doesn't need to bring a cat into that household with Ben. He "got rid of" the last one they had. She doesn't need a kitten right now...furry...or otherwise...*sighs* :/

I wasn't ready to hear her. After the enlightening texts, I most certainly wasn't ready to hear her! But...after the phone call...if I hadn't of already been ready to back off...I definitely am now. Except now...it's not about me! FML!! It's all about not getting her in trouble. I used to play this fucken game soooo well. Ugh. I don't remember the rules. I do, however, remember the agony. But even that is a charade cuz what I feel is not bad enough since I haven't dealt with it long enough for it to ache so. Uh huh...okies...wtfever...

She wants empathy...sympathy...something! I dunno really. And she has it. All of the above. But I also hate Ben right now...again. THIS game is what always made me hate him before. He's being a dick. An ignorant one. As usual. He needs to fucken grow up. He refuses to talk to her & has her secluded in this little box of his & therefore, I can't talk to MY friend cuz he's a jealous prick without an ounce of sense. It's fucken ridiculous!!

One day...soon...he's gonna wake up & see that he's lost his ENTIRE life!!! A nice home & a beautiful family. Instead, he'll have an ex-wife, a girlfriend that despises him, 2 daughters that want nothing to do with him & not a pot to piss in. But...apparently...he doesn't give a fuck. He wants total control in his little world & it's gonna be his downfall. To that end, he deserves whatever happens to him...

I am pissed off. Now. I wasn't yesterday/last night. I had to process it 1st. But I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago. I won't do what I did then. I hate this hopeless, helpless feeling!!! I hated it then, too, but had no idea how to deal with it. I will not be the "dirty little secret" again. I will not beg her. I will not fall apart cuz my world has crashed & burned. I can't fucken change it! I KNOW that this time around. I won't even bother to try. This isn't about me, I'm not a part of it...I just get punished for it. Do I accept that?! Sorta. It is what it is. But I make my life worse trying to be in it. I get swallowed whole by those "false" feelings. They seem so REAL it's uncanny! *sighs* So...I avoid them & the actions that bring them on.

The ringer on my phone has been off 24/7 for about 2 weeks now. I don't know anything is going on unless I'm looking at it. I like BlackBerry in that I can't set it (or have YET to figure out how to) to continuously alert me when I have messages waiting. I have to LOOK at it & see the flashing red light. That gives me a little more willpower to not *wait* for her...