Resolutions??

I've always half-assed sorta tried to make New Year's Resolutions. I NEVER stick to them. Not even for a day or 2!

But...tonight...while watching movies...& having a convo...I decided. THIS time...I'm gonna do it. No matter what. 3 major things. The 1st 2...are sorta...ehh..."just in case" my future works even semi-close to what I want it to be. The 3rd...in spite of what I want my future to be. Sounds like they contradict each other, don't they? Yeah...I thought that, too, for a bit. But really...if I succeed at the 1st 2...no matter the outcome of the 3rd...they'll be in my best interests anyway. So it's a Win-Win for me. Either way! Now I just hafta come up with a game plan...

See...I realized I'm in too deep. Again. The biggest part of me...the part of me that wants something specific...is in way over her head. I see it clearly. And I KNOW I'm only headed for disappointment & hurt. Gotta cut it off at the pass. I'm not giving up entirely. I can't. But I'm letting go a little bit. I'm gonna do what's best for me. After all, I live my life...however empty it may be sometimes. Circumstances beyond my control are at work here. It's ridiculous for me to even attempt to get what I want out of it. Can't get blood from a turnip, ya know?!

I've been guided (err...misguided?!) by my heart & emotions for 3 1/2 years now. That was turned off for a while but now it's back. And I knew...I KNEW I'd soon get to the point of wanting something specific...& not be able to get it. I will never be able to be on the inside 100%. And with the current self-imposed limitations, I see that once familiar road laid out in front of me yet again. I rely TOO much on the contact. I should be happy with the one element that I do get. Or so I was told. I should. ??? I would be if I were willing to settle for that. :/ Distance is a dangerous thing. Out of sight...out of mind. In a manner of speaking. Not quite totally out of mind cuz the thoughts & wishes are always there. But...out of mind in that...random contact means random moments that the feelings are forefront. The other 98% of the time...life goes on, without you...without me...without him...without them. That 2% doesn't make it secure...it doesn't lock it in enough to make Life Choices. Life Choices that require facing demons...with help on the other side...

And so it is...I make a choice not to fall again. That my love will always be what it is...but never good enough. My friendship will always remain Priority. My mind will always wage a war against my heart. My heart will always bleed for you. And my life...will always be my own...in whatever aspect I find myself in.

Loving is wanting the best for someone...whether it includes you or not...

That is love for you...& for myself. Tit for tat. This round of the Holiday Despair has taught me something. I relive those moments that broke me every year on the anniversary. And every day in between...just not to the same degree. Instead of learning from it, I just fell back into it. But this year...I'm gonna learn from it. I'm gonna walk away from it with the knowledge that I don't hafta continue to be naive & stupid. I can't change how I feel or what I want...but I can change letting it affect me...