Blast From the Past...

Cindy was at work all day. They didn't call her for the jump til almost 3 & it was too late then cuz Manda was leaving at 4:30. lol Manda worked in the garage. I was on counter. We stayed pretty busy but the day seemed to drag quite a bit. :/ I'm gonna be HATING next week!! UGH...5 days in a row! I'm not off til Saturday. Yikes.

Mom brought the other bookmark to me today. It's TOO cute! ;-p

Got home & did a load of laundry. No time for anything else cuz...had a 4 hour phone call with Lee...

She started off by apologizing for being a cunt. lol It didn't take long for things to be said...things that USED to be said. Her feelings for me. Her jealousy. Her treating me like an object. That she's still in love with me--always will be. That everything was always all about her & she never cared about anything else. She was selfish. That she'd gotten beyond the point of wanting me as her sub & wanted me as her girlfriend, lover...wife...& that scared her so she went into bitch mode to cover it up. She's a coward cuz no matter what she feels inside...she doesn't have the courage to come out to her family & LIVE as a bi/lesbian woman. That's why she couldn't deal with wanting me in her life & not being able to fully do it. She talked about me coming to see her. Get a 6 month Visa & stay with her & Kayla. She could help me get a job with her, doing Court Reporting. If I wanted to get my own place, I could but I could also stay with them. Work on obtaining dual citizenship...cuz Canada is my 2nd choice of place to live! *sighs*

She said all of the right things. *laughs* And while...I was smiling & sorta getting the warm fuzzies...the bigger part of me was like...yeah, right! I don't trust her. Oh, I'm sure she cares about me...there was never a doubt about that. Just like I care about her. But I don't believe she can handle it...or be the kind of person I can handle.

But we'll take it one day at a time...til she blows a gasket & we stop speaking. Again. lol

There was an instant connection when I met her. Just like with Kat. I will never fully be able to let her go from my life. Just like with Kat. I was ALWAYS between a rock & a hard place between the 2 of them. But there's NO denying that when one of them is absent...or Ben...a piece of me is missing...dead...non-existent...void. That's what makes this so freaking complicated & hard to do! :/

Kayla got on the phone when she got home, squealing & giggling...& told Lee not to fuck up this time & lose me again. LMAO!!!! She's almost 17. Sweet, funny, adorable kid but...OMG...is she a HANDFUL! She's really been through some shit...& putting Lee through Hell. But I think she'll be ok when she grows up. ;-) I've missed talking to her...

I dunno. It is what it is. Whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen. I'm not looking forward to the chaos...but I know it's coming! When Lee is a part of my world...the chaos is always there! o.0