Every time Sara & I get to this place, she always tends to say the same things (as so do I!) But one thing in particular, always bothers me greatly. She tries to act like she gives 150% but no matter what all she does, it's just never good enough for me. Nothing she does can make me happy. I always deny it when she says it...but I can't totally dispute her logic...while I can't 100% prove my answer either!
For whatever reason...I've been thinking about this tonight...
I think I've had an epiphany!
When Sarah freaked out when I told her I was moving & stopped talking to me, I completely lost my senses!! A lot of that was because it dawned on me that I was crushing on her...& how all of that was changing my life...but I was more in a panic over her not speaking to me. I couldn't understand why she'd get so mad at me about not telling her I was moving. It took weeks before she told me. Once she talked to me, I settled down...
When Lou suddenly left SL, without so much of an explanation...I went insane with grief! It took a year for her to come back & tell me why she ended up leaving. I spent that year grieving & really hating her for not being there to explain things. Once she gave me an answer, I stopped hating her...
When Neenah started disappearing on me, I got angry. When I'd contact her & get zero response, it made me crazy. To the point where I completely let her go. I couldn't deal with the grief. It took a year & a half for her to tell me of how messed up what's-his-face had her & how he wouldn't allow her to talk to anyone except immediate family. When she explained the reasons, I let her back into my life...
Every time Lee & I have a big fallout, there is an absolute lead-up to it. We get really close, really fast. I get to the point where I sense something is coming & suddenly she goes into Bitch mode & I start slamming into her walls. We then begin to fight...to the bitter, nasty end. This time, since we've gotten close...she's explained what was happening all of those times. I don't foresee us having any more disputes from here on out. She's already confessed what she kept hiding all of those times...
So...the epiphany you see...is clear. I am happy & content...as long as you openly communicate with me!! It truly is as SIMPLE as that! Ignoring me, pushing me aside, shutting me out, not discussing issues with me...makes me go literally insane. I don't care WHO you are!! If I'm emotionally close to you...I HAVE to have that communication. The only time it doesn't matter is if I'm not all that invested in you to begin with (IE: Finn & Jennifer haven't been great losses for me).
So...for as much as Sara was DOING...in a way, it really wasn't enough. She shuts me out, ignores me & pushes me aside SO MUCH...that nothing that she does in a positive light makes a difference. She doesn't do enough that can counteract what she does to make me insane. Nothing can "fix" it. Except, of course, if she stopped doing those things. Which will never happen. When I get into that insanity, it's not pleasant & I strike out as much as I possibly can. I realize this!! It's not necessarily cuz I'm trying to hurt. But more about I don't have a handle on the panic & nothing I do or say alleviates the issue at hand. You really can't do anything about crazy...go figure!!
Anyway...good or bad...it's a relief when you can draw a conclusion about yourself that gives you insight. I don't have any idea of what I could do to control myself when I find myself in these situations again. But I, at least, know what causes the insanity now. I mean, I've ALWAYS said I just needed them to TALK to me...but it didn't fully click!! Til tonight...not sure why...*sighs*
Ok...hope I can nap now that I've gotten this out of my system...sheesh! o.0
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