Vacation...Not Now!

I guess...truly...there's always a lead up (or rather a let down) to the tides of my mind/feelings changing. *sighs*

I've been awake since 3 am. Don't think anything actually woke me up...just woke up. And been thinking ever since so couldn't go back to sleep! *sighs* I want a cigarette. Though that's not really what I've been thinking of...just want one.

I allowed...

...drunken words...

...a day of FB attention...

...little flashes of who I love...

lull me into falling stupid in love all over again. For like a day...

In the harsh light of a new day though...I realize...that some things will just never change. No matter what, those moments in my life that I need her, she'll always have something more pressing to do. So much more so that even texts are impossible...never mind voice. It's the little things, yo...it's the little things that mean the most! *sighs*

I'm not out here on this barren limb, alone, for my health! :/ There was talk of a trip to Seattle on my upcoming vacation time. That basically meant she had about a 2 week time frame to PROVE her drunken words...to actually get me out there. Maintaining for 2 weeks was a stretch...I see that now...but...I think I've decided to NOT take my vacation time right now after all. Maybe I'll end up losing it. Maybe not. A chance I'm gonna take. Save it til a better time when we have more able-minded bodies in the store, Kelli's settled in her new business enough to possibly lend a hand & I have the time to pick & choose & plan for a place to go that I can actually AFFORD to go to! Or stay home...sorta...& live at the beach for a week. She's certainly not going to get on a plane by herself & come here either! So that option is out, too. Maybe...go to The Keys or the Bahamas. A cruise? Or...take a trip to AR/LA to see the monkey! Or maybe a visit to AZ to see my cousin...since she offered! Or I could just wait til Halloween to go to Salem like we've been wanting to do (& I should have done last year!) for several years now! Or a late summer visit to Canada. Hmm...so many choices. Regardless...right NOW...isn't a good time. It's not a good time to just use it to be using it. Especially when the very real possibility of it being needlessly wasted is upon me. :/ I no longer feel the thrill of "just in case" or the "what if" or the "maybe" or even the "possibly". I just feel...incredibly STUPID! :-(

I need a nap. I need a smoke. I'm hungry. I'm hurting...inside & out. But mostly...I just need it to be Sunday so this work week is over! Bleh...