Nasty, Nasty, NASTY!!

So...the entire day yesterday...was spent...texting with Sara. We are, as usual, limping through this slowly. I keep telling her to just go...cuz that IS her resounding decision of choice. I refuse to try to talk her into staying. It doesn't matter what I want to happen. Regardless...I refuse to try to talk her into this one more time. I say my piece...I let her say what she wants. Questions & answers. I have no hope--either way--of what's going to eventually happen here. I'm simply...letting her choose. I've made my choice. Whatever she decides, I'll implement my thoughts into actions or...I'll learn to let her go. Forever.

Around 4:30 pm yesterday, it started really storming! Power went off just as I took my pot pie out of the oven. I still had internet so I watched a NetFlix movie...til my laptop battery died...in the dark & ate my pot pie. lol Then I just laid in the dark, trying to doze. Nothing else to do! Power came back on around 8 pm. But NO internet! Judy has to call BrightHouse today to get them out sometime...dunno when. So...I'm writing this from work. lol The entire town...& surrounding towns...are in a complete MESS!! Cuz of these storms. The house just beside us here at work has a 200' Oak crashed through it's entirity. There are trees down everywhere. It's raining, thundering & lightning non-stop. We've had customers--a few--the stupid ones who are out in this crap! LOL But I had to close out yesterday this morning cuz power was out here last night, too. Before I could even start today! Today is Kelli's last "official" day. I'm still afraid of what the future holds...

Anyway...guess I should find some work to do now. ;-p

A Really OFF Day...

So didn't really sleep last night. Maybe out around 2 & then awake at 5-ish. Got up, did FB, completely changed the litter boxes, did the dishes. By that time, I was barely keeping my eyes open. Not that it matters. I still can't fall asleep...*sighs*

Oh & one last hoorah with Sara. Trying to discuss anything with her is an exercise in futility! There is absolutely nothing I say that she hears & nothing that she says that makes any sense!!! FUCKEN BIZARRE! Done. I have nothing left to try & no reason left to try cuz she obviously doesn't want to bother. How do I just stop loving her?! *sighs* Whatever. Doesn't even matter. She's deleted from FB, my phone & Yahoo (cuz I'd missed that one the last time)...*sighs*

I can't stop crying yet & I don't even know WHY I'm fucken crying!! I should be relieved!!! I should be...fuck...

Off For A Day...

YAY!! Day off tomorrow! I'm ready...

Work was freaking NUTS!! Aside from it being just crazy with customers (which is ODD for a Tuesday!)...the order that came in today was huge! 90% backorders. Which made life HELL for oh...like...an hour! But it was even worse because Claire has been writing up the orders for a couple weeks now...& well, yeah...she SUCKS at it. UGH!!

Anyway! Home. Done FB. I hafta start laundry in a minute. Then I have to get the monthly newsletter out. Then maybe I can relax & start my day off...lol. The ORIGINAL plan for tomorrow was supposed to be having a Beach Day...but with the weather forecast calling for rain all week, it looks like a no-go. I'm still gonna watch the skies for a bit tomorrow though anyway...just in case I think I can run out there anyway! ;-p

ABSOLUTE LAST ounce of energy I'm going to dedicate to Sara...right HERE. If I had any minuscule whisper of a hope that we'd reconnect...it is now gone as of about 5 minutes ago!!! I just noticed that she re-friended Andy on her FB. Umm...WTF?!?!?! Yeah, sooo...uhh...WOW. *blinks slowly* She made her final choice. Can't say that I'm all that surprised really. Hurt like FUCK. Surprised...not really. She has, from the beginning, done absolutely EVERYTHING for him. And I do mean everything possible. When I kept begging her to just TALK to me! I was so unbelievably fucken BLIND & STUPID!!!! Arghhhhhhh!!! Well, I won't just ignore her answer this time. I got it loud & clear. Hope she's happy with herself now...*sighs*

Alien Tongue...?!

You know...I really find it extremely dumbfounding...& more than a little disturbing...that the ONE person I've cared the most about in my entire existence...I absolutely cannot communicate with one iota! And it's not even as simple as a misunderstanding. No. It's not even as complicated as I'm speaking a foreign language. No! Cuz...with a foreign language, meaning I'm not speaking English...somebody somewhere would understand the language I'm speaking. With HER...it's more like...fuck...I dunno...I'm speaking in an ALIEN TONGUE!! A complete unknown! It's freaking bizarre...*sighs*

Of course, I've had the problem with people occasionally that they misunderstand what I'm trying to say...or I misunderstand them. That's common. The key word there being occasionally! I've never, in my entire life, known someone that I don't understand or that doesn't understand me AT ALL! :-( I think she & I had this issue straight from the beginning. I've always complained that she doesn't hear me. And I've had countless instances where she'll say something, it automatically means 100% something to me & she then later says that's not what she was saying. But...it was always just...a nuisance...more than anything else. I overlooked it. After all, the only time it was an issue was when we were fighting about something. :/ But we'd end up burying it & just moving on. That won't happen this time, of course. She is, after all...*gone*. But it still just blows my little pea brain at how MUCH we couldn't communicate. I don't understand it...not in the least!! :-(

Rain, Toothache & Sleeplessness...

Well, I ended up not sleeping at all last night. Bleh. Whatever. Brain just refused to turn off! I've dealt with it pretty well so far. I have a toothache occupying my focus instead. ;-p That started yesterday. It's supposed to be rainy/stormy all week & the barometric change ALWAYS affects my sinuses. Which, in turn, tends to make my teeth ache. Ugh. My head is pounding severely & my teeth, cheeks & jaws are killing me. On the left side, it's starting to ache down my neck, too. Cindy freaked out so she's calling Cheryl to get her to call in antibiotics...just in case it jump starts an infection...LOL! At any rate, I'm home at 3:30 pm, clove oil has been applied & I'm getting a tiny bit of relief right now. Definitely no dinner tonight though. And I'm hoping the rain helps me to sleep. One can hope...haha!

I've got work to do for a while tonight though. Then I'll just veg out & watch a movie or something.

Shut Out...

Bad news. I'm STILL awake!! Bleh. Something's been tumbling around in my head for hours now, preventing me from sleeping.

Every time Sara & I get to this place, she always tends to say the same things (as so do I!) But one thing in particular, always bothers me greatly. She tries to act like she gives 150% but no matter what all she does, it's just never good enough for me. Nothing she does can make me happy. I always deny it when she says it...but I can't totally dispute her logic...while I can't 100% prove my answer either!

For whatever reason...I've been thinking about this tonight...

I think I've had an epiphany!

When Sarah freaked out when I told her I was moving & stopped talking to me, I completely lost my senses!! A lot of that was because it dawned on me that I was crushing on her...& how all of that was changing my life...but I was more in a panic over her not speaking to me. I couldn't understand why she'd get so mad at me about not telling her I was moving. It took weeks before she told me. Once she talked to me, I settled down...

When Lou suddenly left SL, without so much of an explanation...I went insane with grief! It took a year for her to come back & tell me why she ended up leaving. I spent that year grieving & really hating her for not being there to explain things. Once she gave me an answer, I stopped hating her...

When Neenah started disappearing on me, I got angry. When I'd contact her & get zero response, it made me crazy. To the point where I completely let her go. I couldn't deal with the grief. It took a year & a half for her to tell me of how messed up what's-his-face had her & how he wouldn't allow her to talk to anyone except immediate family. When she explained the reasons, I let her back into my life...

Every time Lee & I have a big fallout, there is an absolute lead-up to it. We get really close, really fast. I get to the point where I sense something is coming & suddenly she goes into Bitch mode & I start slamming into her walls. We then begin to fight...to the bitter, nasty end. This time, since we've gotten close...she's explained what was happening all of those times. I don't foresee us having any more disputes from here on out. She's already confessed what she kept hiding all of those times...

So...the epiphany you see...is clear. I am happy & content...as long as you openly communicate with me!! It truly is as SIMPLE as that! Ignoring me, pushing me aside, shutting me out, not discussing issues with me...makes me go literally insane. I don't care WHO you are!! If I'm emotionally close to you...I HAVE to have that communication. The only time it doesn't matter is if I'm not all that invested in you to begin with (IE: Finn & Jennifer haven't been great losses for me).

So...for as much as Sara was DOING...in a way, it really wasn't enough. She shuts me out, ignores me & pushes me aside SO MUCH...that nothing that she does in a positive light makes a difference. She doesn't do enough that can counteract what she does to make me insane. Nothing can "fix" it. Except, of course, if she stopped doing those things. Which will never happen. When I get into that insanity, it's not pleasant & I strike out as much as I possibly can. I realize this!! It's not necessarily cuz I'm trying to hurt. But more about I don't have a handle on the panic & nothing I do or say alleviates the issue at hand. You really can't do anything about crazy...go figure!!

Anyway...good or bad...it's a relief when you can draw a conclusion about yourself that gives you insight. I don't have any idea of what I could do to control myself when I find myself in these situations again. But I, at least, know what causes the insanity now. I mean, I've ALWAYS said I just needed them to TALK to me...but it didn't fully click!! Til tonight...not sure why...*sighs*

Ok...hope I can nap now that I've gotten this out of my system...sheesh! o.0

Committed to Memory...

I've spent the last...umm...several hours...learning my new theme song (see previous post): Waiting For The End by Linkin Park. I now have it completely memorized. Though it's a little too fast for me on certain parts...I still know it in its entirety. The kids ran around here like mad while I practiced...lol. They weren't sure what was wrong with me! ;-p And...I am now hoarse as fuck...haha! But it now joins the rest of the songs in my inner jukebox buried in my soul...

So...goodnight moon...goodnight noises everywhere...

New Theme Song...

Sunday Eve!! :D

I FINALLY slept last night!! Good gawd. *sighs*

I got "closure". In a way. So I was finally relieved enough to relax enough to actually let my mind & body rest. Sara sort of...half-assed...kinda...agreed to a truce. You know, I was just moronic enough to BELIEVE she'd want a truce. *sighs heavily* I guess, in her own way, she did. The night before...she'd kind of attempted an apology. Problem is...she has apologized to me dozens of times over the course of this thing. 1st of all, when you apologize for something enough times, it simply doesn't have the magic healing properties that it's supposed to have! :/ Secondly, she's always used her apologies against me later...making the point that she's apologized...but I don't accept them from her. That's just it...I DO accept them!! Repeatedly! o.0 And then it happens again. And again. And again! *sighs* Right now, there is nothing in this world that I want MORE than for this...whatever it is...between us to just...CEASE!! I highly despise it...the nastiness, hatred, anger, biting sarcasm & all of the pain that it causes. I WANT IT TO END!! But not with a fucken apology!! :-( Anyway...*sighs*...we called a truce. I'm satisfied. I'm relieved. I can finally relax my nerves. She will eventually just completely disappear. Nothing I can do about that. And it's for the best anyway, I suppose. No sense in trying to hold on when we can't even speak to each other. All we can manage to do anymore is hurt each other. It's simply not worth it. I have zero desire to hate her. She already hates me...has for a long time...but that's whatever. I don't hate her...& that's a good thing for my soul.

Anyway...so work was busy. I started hopping at 9:15. Kelli got there at 10. We continued to hop. A little after 2, Mom stopped by for a few minutes. We actually got a bit of a breather at that point in time! It didn't last long though. Cindy dropped in around 4. She'd gone to buy books at this woman's house & was dropping them off. She hurt her knee yet again so you could tell she was in pain. :/ I was supposed to leave at 4:30 but I stayed til 5:15 cuz I was buried in a stack of books...lol.

And NOW...it is officially Sunday Eve!!! haha You know...the evening before Sunday? *giggles* I ❤ Sundays!!! :D

Spinners...

Again...no sleep last night either. *sighs* Well, a couple of hours but...yeah...not enough. Allergies kicked in again--I couldn't breathe. It was too warm in here, too. Then...I dunno where...but something somewhere nearby was on fire. It smelled like MY house was on fire so it had me freaked out for quite a while. And then...of course...there's always the MAIN reason. *sighs* Whatever...I totally give up at this point.

Once Kelli came in at 11, I escaped to Room 3 to continue where I left off on spinners ohh...I dunno...a month ago?! lol I didn't finish them either. Having to completely redo them...& redoing the shelves as I go. It's time consuming. ;-p

Went to get a drink a little after 2. Kelli wanted me to go by her new store front & grab her sodas. Judy was there, working. It's BIG!! Wow! And so nicely organized! :-)

Cindy isn't supposed to be in tomorrow. She's supposed to be the camera man for a jump. So it'll be just me & Kelli. :-)

I'm ready for Sunday...!!!

Magazines...

I didn't sleep much (if really at all) last night. I was still awake at 2 am. Then I saw 3:20. Totally awake at 5:30 but I kept trying til 6:30...finally got up. *sighs* I wouldn't DO that shit if it didn't MATTER! Whatever...*rolls eyes*

Work was pretty quiet really. Me & Kelli. She taught me how to do magazines. Lemme just say, real quick...EWW! lol I've never paid much attention to the magazines AT ALL...nevermind had to actually deal with them! ;-p Not rocket science, mind you...but it absolutely KILLS my back! Bleh. :/ I think that'll become Cindy's job...LMAO! ;-p

Went straight from work to Manda's. Keep in mind, I've been a freaking zombie all day already! Now I'm gonna eat...? lol Yeah...nommed the hell outta some stuffed shells! She even sent me home with some! :D

Today was my 1st patch-free day. It went...ok...but, then again, I had an easy day. Cravings, etc. But nothing all that bad. If I'd even once gotten stressed...I would've bought a pack of cigs! But...just in case...LMAO...Manda got her mom to give me her box of patches that she's not planning to use! YAY! haha ;-) I can't ward off stress for very long at a time, ya know...HA!

Now...if I manage to stay awake long enough to update FB...I'll be doing good! ;-p

Book Club Day!

Just me & Cindy at work today. Will be me & Kelli tomorrow. Gawd...I'm gonna miss her!! :/

It went ok. A normal day. Placed the order, checked in the order, maintained the front. Pffft. Can do that shit in my sleep! ;-p Cindy was late this morning & I'd already had QUITE the day by the time she finally strolled in...haha. She got there & it all kinda quieted down. *smirks*

I'd almost forgotten about book club! It was actually supposed to be last Wednesday but Diane was really out of it so we'd changed it to tonight. We kept it low key. Pizza, salad, cookies & cake. Diane didn't eat at all. *sighs* She wasn't up to much...period...except barely hanging out on the couch with us. I really worry about her. We all do. We know we're losing her. And now Sharon got laid off last week, too. They're really in a world of hurt now. It's so sad. They're both so awesome. :/

Manda is making stuffed shells for Kelli's family dinner tomorrow night with the clan & she's gonna have some leftover so...I'm going over there tomorrow night for din-din! MMM!! lol

Got my 1st response to my Craigslist ad for a roommate...haha!! I figured...what the hell?! You know? If I could find someone I was comfortable enough with...I'll take the leap & rent mom's house. I can get back to modernization!! WOOHOO!! ;-) And if I didn't find anyone...well, then...me & the kids are still perfectly ok here. ;-) And I'll get to save even more money! I'll hafta furnish the new place so that's gonna be expensive. But it's whatever...we'll just see how things roll... :-)

Everyone's calling me "boss lady" now...FFS! ROFL!! Kelli, Joe...Karen says I can't leave now cuz I'll leave book club in the lurch for getting their books! ;-p Whatever. Again. We'll just see what happens...

Testing A Theory...

Theory tested.

Subsequently blown to smithereens!!!! *sighs heavily*

Move along. Nothing else to see here...

The Wall...

The Wall. That invisible yet impenetrable mass of emotional barrier protection. I've been knocking myself out on her's quite often here in the last few months. Last night...was the 1st time I've actually heard it though...in...years! DEFEAT. Plain & simple. So...mine erects itself in response & I back the fuck off. C'est la vie...& back to Numb I go...as well as now turning off the writing about the situation...

I'm up. So I guess I'll go to work. I've been awake since 3-ish am though & still feel like shit so I'm really questioning if I should even bother. *sighs* I honestly don't think I'm ready for it. My shields aren't completely up yet & the tears still come out of nowhere. *sighs again* Maybe I shouldn't try just yet...ughhh...I dunno. *shrugs*

I'm down to my last patch! And out of money for the month. From here on out, it'll be sheer willpower! Yikes. This is SUCH a bad time for this now...*sighs*

I think I'm just gonna go back to bed & fuck this day, too!! Yeah...I so can't do this right now...

Ugh...

Slept all day...mostly.

Finally got her to talk to me around 9 pm. Not that it mattered. I was finally pissed off by that point. Now...I go back to just giving up.

Still hiding from the world...

I think...I think I will not go to work tomorrow either. I dunno. We'll see what happens when I wake up.

I hate this shit...I hate the tears...I hate the fear...I hate the being sick. I hate my fucken world...

Rivers of Tears...

OMG. I cried til the point of retching. I've not cried that long or that hard in...hell...since I left her house 2 years ago. And I really don't even know WHY except for...this came out of nowhere & it makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever as to why THIS became such an issue! FFS. My body aches, my head is splitting open, I didn't sleep at all (& now it's too late to sleep), my entire face is swollen, my eyes are burning, I can't breathe out my nose. Every time I thought I was done, I'd start all over again. *sighs* I'm beyond a hot mess. From crying. The entire night...

Sheer grief & frustration. I don't know what else to attribute it to. All I know is that the words she spoke out of anger are the ones that are branded on my mind. But it's whatever, right? It doesn't really matter. I'm just stupid. Fine. I'm stupid. I feel like I'll be retreating from the world for more than just last evening. Dunno for how long but...I'm not ready to be me just yet...*sighs*

Good thing I'm off tomorrow. Is it tomorrow yet? :-(

At the bottom...

I never admitted...

Not even to myself...

In 4 fucken years...

Just how MUCH of an emotional slave I was...

Seems kinda fitting actually...

I proved my role to the end...

And as is expected...

I take the blame for it...

Because...

That's what a slave does...

Take the punishment...

No matter what...

Let Them treat you like shit...

And believe in your heart of hearts that you deserve it...

I fought Her with my words...

But my heart believes her...

My soul dies slowly...

Knowing that i never could do it right...i had to let Her win...i have no rights...i have no voice...i have no valid thoughts or feelings...i'm here only as a plaything & emotional whipping post...no other reason...i am simply nothing...

Sunday SUCKS!!!!

Last night, after work, I went over to Manda's. We then went to Daytona to go watch Missi in Roller Derby! haha 1st time I've ever seen it in person. LOL Those bitches can be brutal! ;-p

Got home about 8 pm. Wanted to just sleep. I finally gave up around 11 & got in bed. Not that I went to sleep! Nooooo!! That'd be too easy! Ugh. *rolls eyes* Allergies started acting up so I couldn't breathe & head was aching. So I lay there & hurt. And thought. I really DO know better than to ever tell Sara what I'm thinking. I swear to fuck I DO! But sometimes...I just can't help myself. *sighs* Texted with her a couple of times. Finally fell asleep around 3 am.

Got up around 11 am. Within a few minutes, Mom called & wanted to know if I wanted to go see the new house. Bad idea! LOL They bought this small house in Orange City. The plan is to rent it out...or possibly move into it themselves, if they can't get their own mortgage refinanced. CitiBank is refusing to refinance cuz they aren't behind in their payments! How STUPID is that?! Anyway...Bud says they're just gonna stop paying it til they refinance it...or kick them out of it. lol So, anyway, she takes me to the house. I freaking LOVE it!!!! I wanna live there!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *pouts* I can't afford it though (even with my upcoming raise...lol). And I don't want roommates! But...DUDE!!! I could lock the kids out of my bedroom & actually sleep at night! AHAHAHA!! ;-p

Then we stopped & had brunch. I'm still stuffed! No dinner for me tonight...lol.

Before she even got me back home, Sara started texting. *SIGHS* She's making this big stink & calling it quits now, since this is all about her. FML!!!!!! She's gone bipolar on me again. It's whatever. I can't try to understand her. She refuses to hear me. She won't really talk to me either. Big surprise there. o.0 Nothing I can do. She's totally ruined the rest of my day & I fucken HATE life at the moment!!! I need a fucken CARTON of cigs right now! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She says I hurt HER! WTF?! I didn't shut her out. I was shut out from her!!! Again...whatever...I give up. My nerves are on fire & I'm leaving this fucken world for the rest of the night. Go back to zombie life in the morning...peace out mother fuckers...

Vacation...Not Now!

I guess...truly...there's always a lead up (or rather a let down) to the tides of my mind/feelings changing. *sighs*

I've been awake since 3 am. Don't think anything actually woke me up...just woke up. And been thinking ever since so couldn't go back to sleep! *sighs* I want a cigarette. Though that's not really what I've been thinking of...just want one.

I allowed...

...drunken words...

...a day of FB attention...

...little flashes of who I love...

lull me into falling stupid in love all over again. For like a day...

In the harsh light of a new day though...I realize...that some things will just never change. No matter what, those moments in my life that I need her, she'll always have something more pressing to do. So much more so that even texts are impossible...never mind voice. It's the little things, yo...it's the little things that mean the most! *sighs*

I'm not out here on this barren limb, alone, for my health! :/ There was talk of a trip to Seattle on my upcoming vacation time. That basically meant she had about a 2 week time frame to PROVE her drunken words...to actually get me out there. Maintaining for 2 weeks was a stretch...I see that now...but...I think I've decided to NOT take my vacation time right now after all. Maybe I'll end up losing it. Maybe not. A chance I'm gonna take. Save it til a better time when we have more able-minded bodies in the store, Kelli's settled in her new business enough to possibly lend a hand & I have the time to pick & choose & plan for a place to go that I can actually AFFORD to go to! Or stay home...sorta...& live at the beach for a week. She's certainly not going to get on a plane by herself & come here either! So that option is out, too. Maybe...go to The Keys or the Bahamas. A cruise? Or...take a trip to AR/LA to see the monkey! Or maybe a visit to AZ to see my cousin...since she offered! Or I could just wait til Halloween to go to Salem like we've been wanting to do (& I should have done last year!) for several years now! Or a late summer visit to Canada. Hmm...so many choices. Regardless...right NOW...isn't a good time. It's not a good time to just use it to be using it. Especially when the very real possibility of it being needlessly wasted is upon me. :/ I no longer feel the thrill of "just in case" or the "what if" or the "maybe" or even the "possibly". I just feel...incredibly STUPID! :-(

I need a nap. I need a smoke. I'm hungry. I'm hurting...inside & out. But mostly...I just need it to be Sunday so this work week is over! Bleh...

Not So Horrible!

Well...the day ended up...SURPRISINGLY ok! lol

Kelli came in around 10. Sat down & told Cindy she was giving her 2 Week Notice but that she'd be willing to fill in when needed (& if she was able). Told her they'd bought Daniel's business & extended the offer of them actually working together/trading books. Cindy reacted extremely well. She was perfectly normal. No dramatics. No spazzing. :D

Once Kelli left, Cindy asked if I was next. I told her I'd rather not be...but I also don't want to go down with a sinking ship. I can't keep her afloat. Not by myself. I'll need help. Then she asked if I'd be willing to become her salaried manager...taking Kelli's place. That surprised me!! I assumed she'd just do away with the position all together! Wow. Well, sure...I'd give a good go at it anyway! ;-p I don't toot my own horn & I'm never confident in my abilities...but I also know I'm not stupid. lol I'm sure I could handle it...but...there's just so much that I don't know...& that makes me nervous! So Cindy wants Kelli to spend these last 2 weeks teaching me stuff. With this increase...if I get anywhere near what Kelli was making...it will almost double my monthly income!! Can we say...*BREATHE EASILY NOW*...?? lol Wow...what a relief THAT would be! hehe

So I dunno...guess the next few weeks look a little more promising now than they did before. ;-) But she's going to HAVE to get some more bodies in there ASAP!!

Today's the Day...

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a headache. It remained, at near migraine level, for the entire day. Was just me & Kelli. She came in on her vacation week to give Cindy a day off. Well...ok a day to go to drs about her knee. She'll see the Ortho on the 31st. It was really slow all day & Kelli let me leave at 3:30.

I didn't sleep well last night. Tossed & turned constantly. Fretful. Anxious. I'm unsure as to how well I'm going to handle today...especially since my preferred "sounding board" & anchor will be unavailable. *sighs* But...to that...I say "Of course!!! Why would I expect things to really be any different?!" :-( Whatever...

Kelli will come in...sometime today...dunno when...& talk to Cindy. Give her 2 Week Notice. The general consensus amongst me, Manda & Judy is that Cindy is going to cry. She's going to break down rather than spazz out. WHATEVER happens...I'm not looking forward to dealing with it!! :/

Something that crossed my mind the other night...if Cindy ends up needing surgery on her knee...that's WEEKS of recovery time!! FML...*sighs heavily*. I can't run that store alone, 6/days a week...it's just not possible...

However...the conjecture is...that once Kelli is gone, Cindy will bump my pay up considerably...seeing as I'm her last remaining chance at keeping this together...somehow I doubt that'll happen. Or if it'll even matter...

Today marks 7 days without a cigarette. I'm already wanting one!! Crossing my fingers that I make it through the day without breaking down & buying some...*SIGHS*

St Augustine Day Trip...

Dan's friend, Babin, has been having a pretty rough go of life lately so Manda had decided they needed to get him out & about. She knows I've been in the dumps for several months now, too. So she & Dan decided we'd 4 do a day trip to visit St Augustine about 3 weeks ago. Yesterday was THE DAY. :D

It's about an hour & a half drive from here. They picked me up at 10 am. We stopped & got coffee. Babin treated. lol Then we were on our way. You would hafta know these guys to even contemplate the topics of conversation...ROFL! Sports, sex, kinky sex, the tv show Spartacus, us all joining in on doing a bit of BDSM on Dan...ahaha...music, religious fanatics...it was quite entertaining! We finally get there & parked in the parking garage. The Historical District...is not all that vehicle friendly. You pretty much walk the entire thing. There is SO MUCH to do there...& we only did a couple of them!! We walked through some of the shops & stuff & then stopped for lunch. Amanda made me eat alligator tail...AHAHAHA!! Was my 1st time &...WOW!!! It's awesomely YUMMY! :D Tastes like chicken but 1000x better. I'm not a fan of chicken anyway...lol. Our waitress was stupid. We told her 4x that Amanda & Dan were one ticket, I was a ticket & Babin was a ticket. She gave us 2 tickets...completely screwed up...haha! After lunch, we walked around some more. Went in to view the Chapel at Memorial Presbyterian Church. Absolutely amazing stained glass work in there!! WOW!! It was pretty low-lit, too. After that, we caught the last tour of Flagler College. The amazing thing about this place was the building itself was poured, piece by piece. All of the carvings & tile work inside was done by hand. It was really gorgeous! I very much dislike gilt-work but, being it was the utmost sign of wealth back in those times, it's everywhere! haha Artwork galore, too. Dozens of Austrian Crystal chandeliers. The Dining Hall was BEYOND majestic!! The entire room is a piece of combined artwork! We finally made our way back to the parking garage after that, about 4-ish pm. We needed to get Babin back by 5. On the way out of St Augustine, Dan spotted Adam and Eve adult toystore...LOL. I'd seen it on the way in! *smirks* So we stopped in there for a few minutes. Note to self: NEVER go in somewhere like that again with Dan! AHAHA Yeah...just TMI about Manda! *dies* Then we continued on home. We dropped Dan at the house 1st. He had to potty...ROFL!!! Then Babin & then she dropped me home. It was about 6 by the time I got home.

My back was hurting but I had an absolutely WONDERFUL day!! ;-)

Now...it's back to reality...& back to 5 days of work...with Cindy...by myself. *rolls eyes* Still on the patches. No slips so far. Diet isn't really working though...ugh.

Mad Rush!!

Day 2 of the patches. I have NO choice but to stick to it this time!!

I'm gonna go on a sort of mad crash diet...thingy. Uhh..."just in case". Funny...I'm actually 2 pounds lighter than the last recorded weight before I stopped in February! *smirks*

Kelli is on vacation as of today...Hello, my world of Hell. Bleh. Her & John closed on Daniel's business yesterday. So, next Thursday, she's going to give Cindy her 2 weeks notice. A week or so ago, she was supposed to stay long enough for me to take my vacation the 1st week of April! It's not valid for me til March 30 (my 2nd anniversary) & if I don't take it now, I won't be able to!! UGH!! She decided yesterday she couldn't wait any longer than the end of the month. *sighs* So now I feel guilty for taking it! :-( Kelli will be gone. Then I'll be gone, too. That 1st week of April, Cindy will either sink or swim! She'll undoubtedly SINK. And I won't possibly be able to correct all of the mistakes when I get back. :/

BUT...before all of the major madness begins...Monday...me & Manda (& possibly Dan & Babin) are gonna take a day trip to St. Augustine! I'm pretty excited! :-) It's the oldest city in Florida! Famous for haunted places, amazing architecture & rich in it's History!

But 1st...I've just gotta make it through today...

Breakthrough...??

So...let's just say...she didn't stay deleted for long. Was back on my phone as a basic contact Tuesday night & back on FB Wednesday morning. I'm not gonna say a whole lot about it...except that...we talked last night. I think that was probably the most open & honest communication we've ever had. And whether it leads anywhere...remains to be seen. I pick on her, calling her 50 First Dates. Have you seen it? If so, then you get the gist of why I call her that...

Sooo...anyway...here's my "videotape"! I made this...what seems like AGES ago...but it still stands true...





In other news...I'll run out of cigs tonight...soon. Start yet AGAIN with the patches...*sighs*

Changes...?

Work has gone back to "normal". There's no longer the animosity & tension so thick you can cut it with a knife but...Cindy still HASN'T GOT A CLUE. Kelli & I...are just there. I still am having trouble with just letting go & letting Cindy fall flat on her face. Kelli has been able to. But...Kelli & John have decided to buy Daniel's stock/business so she really isn't invested in us anymore. They will officially buy sometime in April. She'll stay another month or so after that then she's gone. I get vacation as of March 30. Looks like I better take it ASAP or I'll lose it. :/

In other news, I've finally actually deleted Sara & Ben off my FB & out of my phone. It'll take her days to even notice it! But...I've not conversed with her since Feb 15 & I finally realized that...she will never communicate with me & that's the one thing I'm never going to be able to disregard!! If I can't talk to someone...I will not bother wasting any other energy on them. There's just no point! And while I am sad & I miss her...there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. It is what it is. None of this was my choice. My only choice was choosing to NOT have to see her FB, see her in my phone at any given moment & ache to want to talk to her but CAN'T. That hurts ME. It doesn't phase her. So, yes, it was my choice to not torture myself in that way. But that's it. Time to let go & move on. I have zero reasons to hold on any longer...