I think I know that I have to finally & unequivocally just give up. Throw in the towel. Accept the wrongs against me. Accept that I can't right anything that's happened. Accept that I have no choice in the matter. Just...accept it...all of it...& go on. I can't say "move on" cuz I truly think I've died...my soul...has died in this spot right here. It was only hanging on by a mere thread anyway. A tiny shred of hope kept breathing a bit of life into it every so often. Just not enough to sustain it any more. But I can't keep trying. I can't keep trying when I'm the only one that thinks there's a reason to try. I can't keep holding onto the past & believing her lies. I can't keep falling for her lines. I can't just "trust her" & let her lead the way cuz she's let me down so many times already with that. I can't. I can't keep lying to myself about her...I will not survive this if I keep trying to see the good in her. I just won't survive it....
I just can't tell her goodbye. And that's hard...extremely difficult...almost impossible for me to do. Needing closure is huge for me. Not saying it will mean forever open, raw sores. Learning to live with those will take talent & determination. Of which...I don't think I have nor have the strength to search for anymore...
*sighs*
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
And So It Goes...
I think, at 5 am (now yesterday morning), when she "put me in my place" & shut me down...I think it was in those last few moments that I knew where this was gonna go. I said to her that I will always "belong" to her whether I like it or not. I will always be that to her. She said she couldn't talk to me cuz she was pissed off. I'm not sure WTF she has to be pissed off about but whatever. Anyway. She shut me down by saying she couldn't answer me "now"...which, in the past, meant she needed some time & space to chill out. What it means now, however, I have no clue. But I've not bothered her at all today. Not attempted anything. I've been watching movies tonight & overheard a song...I'm crying. But...that's nothing new for me. Anyway, "And So it Goes" by Billy Joel:
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
Like I said, I've made no attempt. She played her wild card at 5 am when she put me down on my knees. The ball's in her court. She is in control. I have *zero* rights in this at all...
She's driving....
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
Like I said, I've made no attempt. She played her wild card at 5 am when she put me down on my knees. The ball's in her court. She is in control. I have *zero* rights in this at all...
She's driving....
Monday, March 30, 2009
Can't Fight That...
So tonight has been...rough. Somewhat heated convo with Kat. I am still fighting to uncover the truth of what happened & wtf is going on with her & Ben & just where all of this started falling apart. I need answers. I need to understand why he hates me so much. I need to know what she's thinking & feeling. I need to know all of this so I can figure out how to let go, if that's what I need to do or hold on still. I need to know where I stand. I need to know what to do. I keep standing still & I'm just sinking.
So...conversation. Well, no, I can't really call it that. She thought we were arguing. I was asking a million questions/making a million statements & she was not responding (much). Then Ben put in his 2 cents:
anyway, I will leave it in your capable hands. Just so you know where I am at. I don't want anything to do with her. I will not invite her into our home or anything like that. I actually refuse to talk with her at all. I don't see how it will ever work and she is just pulling the same old shit all over again that she pulls and you get dragged back into it all.
OMFG. Wow. Ok...umm...wow! He literally despises me and I've never done anything to him at all. 1st of all, it wasn't always me going to her in our fights, to make up. 2nd, she knows that what he's saying is untrue & has no merit whatsoever but yet she just goes with it. She doesn't defend me at all. That speaks volumes! I just *THOUGHT* that being thrown out in the middle of the night was the worst thing she could do to me...OMFG. Was I ever wrong?! She's *letting* him crucify me & staying silent about it. Wow. I'm so glad I was wrong about her still caring for me....can you just IMAGINE if she *didn't* care about me for real?! Crap. :/
What do you do in this situation? What can you possibly do in this situation?? Realize there's zero recourse, lick your wounds & move along. ??? I've no idea what to do or think now. I really seriously don't. Just...shocked. Totally. I think that is the ultimate betrayal to date. She is letting him hate me for reasons unknown. Maybe she truly is the devil afterall...
So...conversation. Well, no, I can't really call it that. She thought we were arguing. I was asking a million questions/making a million statements & she was not responding (much). Then Ben put in his 2 cents:
anyway, I will leave it in your capable hands. Just so you know where I am at. I don't want anything to do with her. I will not invite her into our home or anything like that. I actually refuse to talk with her at all. I don't see how it will ever work and she is just pulling the same old shit all over again that she pulls and you get dragged back into it all.
OMFG. Wow. Ok...umm...wow! He literally despises me and I've never done anything to him at all. 1st of all, it wasn't always me going to her in our fights, to make up. 2nd, she knows that what he's saying is untrue & has no merit whatsoever but yet she just goes with it. She doesn't defend me at all. That speaks volumes! I just *THOUGHT* that being thrown out in the middle of the night was the worst thing she could do to me...OMFG. Was I ever wrong?! She's *letting* him crucify me & staying silent about it. Wow. I'm so glad I was wrong about her still caring for me....can you just IMAGINE if she *didn't* care about me for real?! Crap. :/
What do you do in this situation? What can you possibly do in this situation?? Realize there's zero recourse, lick your wounds & move along. ??? I've no idea what to do or think now. I really seriously don't. Just...shocked. Totally. I think that is the ultimate betrayal to date. She is letting him hate me for reasons unknown. Maybe she truly is the devil afterall...
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Psychological Warfare...
Any time spent without Kat is usually painful, at best. This last 3 months was 100x worse than that because of everything involved that had never been involved before. The moment I could *see* her again & get to have a conversation with her, there was this...massive...relief. Like I could relax again, I could exhale again...it was gonna be alright cuz she was there again. But, at the same time, we start talking about "us" & we both get tense, get upset, get frustrated & it's like...gawd! Why does it have to be like this?! Having lived through both sides of the situation, I would much rather she was a part of my life in some aspect than not at all. I don't have to think twice about that. It's not debateable. It's a given. However...that doesn't change the fact that things still get tense between us. I'm not trying to hurt her. Honest, I'm not. I'm searching to fill a hole in me. I'm almost spastic about it. I'm almost in a panic to feel "ok" again. I'm desperate....
I don't believe her that any of this hurt her. I don't believe her that she cared about me at one point. I mean, I do...just not completely. She always stayed at a distance to me. Was rare that she let me very close to her. Everything between us was always semi-secret from Ben & that weighed heavily on us. I didn't like being her "dirty little secret". And it wasn't that I was a secret but the depth of what we had, was unknown to him. It had to be that way. We spent a year & a half like this. I wasn't secure in it. I was afraid of Ben not accepting me. Constantly. I was afraid for him to become jealous or afraid of me & giving her an ultimatum. She would never choose me over him but for whatever reason, that's not something he'd ever believe. That petrified me cuz there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. That was between the 2 of them only. When I moved across the country to stay with her & help her out, he flipped out & she pushed me even farther away. My worst nightmare come to life. In the flesh. When she kicked me out in the middle of the night, I was in shock. No part of me could fathom her doing this to me. She couldn't do this...not if she ever cared about me in the least. 3 hours into the night, I realized that this was really happening & that she couldn't possibly have ever cared. I've not lost that realization to this day. All of the issues we ever had, all of the times that I doubted her feelings, all of the moments that I wondered if *maybe* she cared a tiny bit...all of that came to a crashing halt at 11 pm in a strange city in the freezing rain and I had nowhere to go for the night, nevermind that I had none of my belongings with me. All that was clear in those moments was that she didn't ever care about me at all.
She gets frustrated & upset when I rehash. She says it's been established that she's the devil. She was always the one that said that. I never said that. Everything that I ever needed from her, wanted from her, asked of her...everything...was always just too *much* for her to do. And even yet...I don't think she's the devil. I don't hate her. I still need her to be a part of my life. I'm better with her here....
Talking to Neenah & I tell her...the hardest part about this whole thing with Kat is that I lost everything. Absolutely everything. Kat didn't lose at all. She never felt the same about me as I did about her. Her dreams & goals are still intact. She still has her family. Her life is relatively unchanged. What Neenah said in response to that...wow...made me think. And not just briefly. If I could find it in myself to believe this, I might be able to turn a corner with this situation. Neenah's take on this is as follows:
It's always easiest for the one who doesn't have to make the biggest adjustment. Think of it like this, you lost everything that you'd gained and she lost you...that's a lot!!!! But not as much as you lost...a family basically that you were falling in love with. Also she did not get accused of the things you did...but then again...how much shit did she take off of Ben for the whole situation? It's a two edged sword and multiple people were hurt with all that happened. It sometimes helps me to know the hurt that others had, and then compare that to my own hurt and it kind of evens out. I would personally welcome her talking to me about how she felt, what happened, and why things happened the way they did. That way I would not only have a better understanding of what and why and when but be able to compare the feelings to my own. I would be greatly helped by understanding the other person. Sometimes it helps just to know you aren't the only one first of all...and personally when I can help someone else heal, it makes me feel better and who better to help than the person who hurt you the most...it is a bit of psychological warfare and a bit manipulative, but if you help them feel good when you are hurt, you're the better person and it's apparent to that person, if they are a good person...
Wow. Do I have the right to think she cared enough about me that I could equate her losing me to what I lost? That would take a lot of ego & self-worth on my part...of which, I really don't have. If I could wrap my head around that...wow...
I miss her terribly. In any sense of what we ever were. I just miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss listening to her. I miss her picking on me. I miss picking on her. I miss the jokes & innuendos. I miss the dreams we had. I miss all of it. The question is, I guess...does she miss it, too? And what will it take for me to believe her if she says she does....? :/
I don't believe her that any of this hurt her. I don't believe her that she cared about me at one point. I mean, I do...just not completely. She always stayed at a distance to me. Was rare that she let me very close to her. Everything between us was always semi-secret from Ben & that weighed heavily on us. I didn't like being her "dirty little secret". And it wasn't that I was a secret but the depth of what we had, was unknown to him. It had to be that way. We spent a year & a half like this. I wasn't secure in it. I was afraid of Ben not accepting me. Constantly. I was afraid for him to become jealous or afraid of me & giving her an ultimatum. She would never choose me over him but for whatever reason, that's not something he'd ever believe. That petrified me cuz there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. That was between the 2 of them only. When I moved across the country to stay with her & help her out, he flipped out & she pushed me even farther away. My worst nightmare come to life. In the flesh. When she kicked me out in the middle of the night, I was in shock. No part of me could fathom her doing this to me. She couldn't do this...not if she ever cared about me in the least. 3 hours into the night, I realized that this was really happening & that she couldn't possibly have ever cared. I've not lost that realization to this day. All of the issues we ever had, all of the times that I doubted her feelings, all of the moments that I wondered if *maybe* she cared a tiny bit...all of that came to a crashing halt at 11 pm in a strange city in the freezing rain and I had nowhere to go for the night, nevermind that I had none of my belongings with me. All that was clear in those moments was that she didn't ever care about me at all.
She gets frustrated & upset when I rehash. She says it's been established that she's the devil. She was always the one that said that. I never said that. Everything that I ever needed from her, wanted from her, asked of her...everything...was always just too *much* for her to do. And even yet...I don't think she's the devil. I don't hate her. I still need her to be a part of my life. I'm better with her here....
Talking to Neenah & I tell her...the hardest part about this whole thing with Kat is that I lost everything. Absolutely everything. Kat didn't lose at all. She never felt the same about me as I did about her. Her dreams & goals are still intact. She still has her family. Her life is relatively unchanged. What Neenah said in response to that...wow...made me think. And not just briefly. If I could find it in myself to believe this, I might be able to turn a corner with this situation. Neenah's take on this is as follows:
It's always easiest for the one who doesn't have to make the biggest adjustment. Think of it like this, you lost everything that you'd gained and she lost you...that's a lot!!!! But not as much as you lost...a family basically that you were falling in love with. Also she did not get accused of the things you did...but then again...how much shit did she take off of Ben for the whole situation? It's a two edged sword and multiple people were hurt with all that happened. It sometimes helps me to know the hurt that others had, and then compare that to my own hurt and it kind of evens out. I would personally welcome her talking to me about how she felt, what happened, and why things happened the way they did. That way I would not only have a better understanding of what and why and when but be able to compare the feelings to my own. I would be greatly helped by understanding the other person. Sometimes it helps just to know you aren't the only one first of all...and personally when I can help someone else heal, it makes me feel better and who better to help than the person who hurt you the most...it is a bit of psychological warfare and a bit manipulative, but if you help them feel good when you are hurt, you're the better person and it's apparent to that person, if they are a good person...
Wow. Do I have the right to think she cared enough about me that I could equate her losing me to what I lost? That would take a lot of ego & self-worth on my part...of which, I really don't have. If I could wrap my head around that...wow...
I miss her terribly. In any sense of what we ever were. I just miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss listening to her. I miss her picking on me. I miss picking on her. I miss the jokes & innuendos. I miss the dreams we had. I miss all of it. The question is, I guess...does she miss it, too? And what will it take for me to believe her if she says she does....? :/
Realizations...Part 2...
I made it a point to give her the link to what I just blogged. Her response was: :-(
Are you freaking kidding me?! o.0
OMG...
I said to Neenah, shortly after..."at some point you'd think i'd realize she's not capable of *anything*..."
Her response: "...and at some point you may...." :-)
This is why I love my Cookie. I'm sobbing & snotting all over the place & she makes me laugh. For just one small second, she makes me laugh amidst the agony. The other one...can't be bothered...she's too busy being spastic in WoW....
At some point, you'd think I'd learn... *sighs*
Are you freaking kidding me?! o.0
OMG...
I said to Neenah, shortly after..."at some point you'd think i'd realize she's not capable of *anything*..."
Her response: "...and at some point you may...." :-)
This is why I love my Cookie. I'm sobbing & snotting all over the place & she makes me laugh. For just one small second, she makes me laugh amidst the agony. The other one...can't be bothered...she's too busy being spastic in WoW....
At some point, you'd think I'd learn... *sighs*
Realizations...
I've waited 3 months to be able to talk to her again. *REALLY* talk to her about what happened. About how I feel, about everything. Finally have had the chance &...some things just never change. She ignores me. She doesn't "know what to say". I can't tell you how *hard* I've sobbed in the last few hours trying to talk to her. I'm literally sore. :/ Then she wanted me to try WoW (World of Warcraft) since that's what she's into nowadays. For the 1st several hours, I was just in there by myself, roaming about aimlessly. She came in & finally came to find me to "help" me out &...OMG...it was like a whirlwind!! Completely spastic & she just acted like I should know what the hell to do. 1st of all, I was in a virtual world with her again. That alone was...hard. Secondly, I don't have a clue what to do in there & I can't keep up with her. I finally told her to just go do her own thing & I logged out. I can't stop crying. I realize, after all this time, we are never going to be ok again. I don't know what to do with this knowledge...I seriously don't. I miss her so effin much & I can't...I don't...I...*breaks down & sobs*
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Possibilities...
When I 1st got here, I made a list by going through the phonebook & writing down local businesses. I've since been going through that list, a little along, looking them up online to see if I could send my resume via email or not. So I was doing this a bit last Saturday. Going through my list & sending out emails. Mind you, I've not gotten any responses back from anyone except the "We're currently not hiring but we'll keep your resume on file for 60 days" crap. Then it happened. I got an email response! Was from a local bookstore. The reply said that she couldn't open the file format my resume was in so I replied back with an apology and attached 2 other formats of my resume. I also made the comment that I've been a reader/writer since childhood, that I am currently working on a novel idea and that I'd love to be able to submerse myself into that world farther. I got another reply from her within moments. She simply stated that she was off on Monday but for me to drop by the store some other time. That was it. No specifics. No nothing about whether she was hiring or not. Nothing. But I laughed. I jumped off the bed & laughed out loud. It felt really *good*...being excited! I've not been excited in forever it seems. It felt really, really good! :-)
When I'd tired of going through my list, I went & glanced at Craigslist. Saw an ad there for a nanny. Typically I'd not apply for anything like this. I've not done it in years, have zero current references for it & I just don't think I'd have a shot at it. I don't have a shot at really any job, it seems. Anyway, I guess what drew me to this ad the most was that she was asking for relocation to be an option. I'm open to relocation. Definitely. That's all I've been doing for months & months! lol But, more than that...the short time spent with the girls made me realize something. It made me realize that I missed being with kids. I missed being needed. I missed caring for someone who needed me. *sighs* So I emailed her. Told her my story, sort of. That I've just moved here, am starting over from scratch after moving across the country for love & it being ripped away from me & then being thrust into a world of chaos where I had nowhere to go, no one to rely on, and I landed here as a last resort. I have no vehicle & I can't get one til I gain employment. That I have nothing against a background check but the Simple Battery charge would be there & I told her about that story (funny how a complete stranger understood that situation when my best friend of 30 yrs never could see it & my supposed significant other didn't believe me). That I don't do drugs & I don't have a drinking problem. And lastly, I had no qualms about relocation.
Yesterday afternoon, I ventured off & found the bookstore. Went in & had a walkabout the store & a chat with Miss Judy. It is small but crammed FULL of new & used books everywhere! I saw 3 kitties in there. One was on the front counter & took to me immediately. The other 2 were curled in a rocking chair in the back. Judy is 70ish, has had this store for about 40 years & yes, she's hiring. She wants to retire & is hoping to groom someone to take her place. Her daughter works there, too, so I'm not sure why she won't just take the store over. As we walked & chatted, she asked about my "roaming" & I explained (without truly going into detail). She seemed to like the fact that I took the opportunity to explore a possibility & got to see a bit of the world in the process. She & her daughter both actually said they admired me for taking that kind of a chance. She liked the fact that although I'm non-degreed, I'm well aware of what I'm capable of doing & what experience I already have that backs that up. When I said that I have basically just gone into a company & picked up where they needed me to & run with it, she smiled & said that's exactly what she's looking for. She liked my age (though she couldn't ask, I told her lol) & that I'm not a "kid" looking for a paycheck. She liked the fact that I smiled & giggled & seemed "happy". Looks can be deceiving, eh?! ;-) Seriously...I am *ok* right now. Guess it shows. She asked if I was prejudiced at all or racist. I said no before she could finish but she said there were 7 women that worked there. Then she asked if I had anything against gays or am I tolerant of the lifestyle. I chuckled & said no, I have no issues with anyone being gay. So, apparently...someone (maybe more than 1) there is les? *smiles* Then she asked about the driving distance. I explained that, for now, I'd just do it but ultimately I want to get my own place, when I can afford it & I will most likely get a place close to wherever I find employment. She smiled & said that her daughter was interviewing another girl tomorrow (today) & that she'd call me. It's minimum wage, FT. I felt good. I feel good about the chance of getting this. I think I'd really like it, too. And mom has no qualms about the 30 minute drive in her car. *sighs* You'll understand that here in a minute...
Then today, I got an email response from the woman wanting the nanny. She simply said she'd been where I am & that she'd like to talk to me. She gave me her phone # but it was missing some numbers so I replied back with my phone #. She called later & we talked for a good bit. She's a single mom with 3 kids (2 boys & a girl ages 9, 7 & 5, respectively). She's finishing her BA up this year & takes classes during the day, works 3 nights a week at a bar & would need someone to keep the kids those nights. Would have to sleep there because she wouldn't get home til about 4 am. Ultimately, she's contemplating moving a couple hours away from here & would like the nanny to then become a live-in & move with them. The house she's looking at has a garage apartment that the nanny would stay in. And if I hadn't gotten a vehicle yet, I could use her's if I needed to. So while she's still here, it'd be $10/hr for less than 20 hrs a week. It's a 45 minute drive from here, too. As a live-in, it'd be a trade off...room & board in exchange for keeping the kids when needed. And my days would be free so I could have a normal job, too. She wants me to come meet her & the kids Friday at 3 pm. I think this would be cool for me, in many ways. So I'm telling my mom about it & before I can even finish, she says it's too far away, I've not got a way to get over there cuz I'm not putting those miles on her car. Then I started trying to explain about the possible live-in & she said for me not to be stupid & get into the same situation I was in in Seattle. *sighs* Neenah asked me if she realizes this is not the same thing as that was. She does. She's just not admitting to it. We've not "discussed" the situation with Kat & I but I did explain what it was, without a lot of detail. *sighs* Whatever. Anyway, I guess I'll have to call her back tomorrow & tell her I can't even contemplate the opportunity since I don't have a way of getting there. *shakes head*
To top off the day, I requested friendship with Kat on FB again. She accepted. Without a word, she accepted. I didn't think she would. I'm not even real sure why I offered. Of everything that was lost in all of this with us, I lost my best friend. I miss her. I miss the girls. I miss Ben. I miss Bella. I miss THEM, period. The whole family. And once I had access to her profile, it was obvious she's not doing much on there. There's not many updates to it. She's not very active. Which, I'm not surprised really. But I had a huge sense of relief being able to see her again. It's extremely difficult being totally isolated from her. Neenah asked what I want from this. I don't know. I didn't attempt to speak to her. I have no intention of making any comments on her profile. But I can see her again & somehow, that makes this not quite as hard to survive. I don't know! I don't know how to explain it! I'm not moving on too easily being separated from her. I don't know what else to do. I don't want her back. I don't want to be a part of her family anymore-not in the way we'd intended at 1 point anyway. But I miss my best friend. I really would like to have that back somehow....after all, I didn't do anything *wrong*!! I didn't deserve to be treated like a criminal. I didn't deserve any of it. I don't deserve to continue to hurt over it either....
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Relatively Dysfunctional Oh's...
How do you feel when you are with your family? How are you *supposed* to feel? Family. Relatives. Blood. Kin. The social construct of man for all eternity. Your family is your proof of where you came from, that from which you were created, that with which you will carry on the genetic legacy, that unseen tie-that *something* that lets you forgive all sins against you cuz "they're family".
Looking back, I didn't have a horrible childhood, per se. Not as bleak as I like to portray it sometimes. It wasn't The Brady Bunch or The Cosby Show but it wasn't great. Hell...it wasn't even good much. I remember when I was little, before I became jaded, I'd tell Mama all the time "I love you." I'd say it, draw her pictures or leave her notes. Random. Out of the blue. Just because I felt like saying it. She'd reply, "I love you, too, Punkin." And then she'd beat me or rip me to shreds with how ugly & awful & stupid & fat I was. Within a few years, I stopped telling her that I loved her because it didn't matter. She was still going to hurt me, no matter if I loved her or not.
I don't *DO* family. Or, at the very least, MY family. And I haven't a clue how to trust other families to not be fake. Not be hiding some deep, dark secret beyond the facade they portray. But, that goes to just people in general, too. I get around my relatives...mom, grandmother, uncles, aunts, cousins...& I immediately brace myself for the barrage of condemnation & insults. The entire time, my body is physically strung tight against this. I usually hurt afterwards, when I can relax again. I look at my family & I know that I don't like them. I have nothing in common with them. I see where I came from & I don't identify with it at all. I see these people that I've not seen in a year or 10 years or 20 years & I immediately feel crushed under the weight of them. I'm insignificant, I'm just there to be ridiculed & talked about, I'm just useful enough for them to have topics of conversation over. I wish I were invisible to them or didn't exist at all. I don't have any need to be a part of this condescending, ridiculing, berating, racist, judgemental, humiliating, ignorant collection of blood relatives. At the same time, I feel a sense of *connection* to them though. Because "they're family". I don't like them but I can't deny them either?
When I was in my mid-20s, I went through a period of time where I was *craving* having a child. Had no use to be married & create a "family" but I wanted a child. And I went through a handful of men that I slept with, unprotected, *hoping* for an "accident". Was with them once each because it wasn't about them but what they could create for me. I didn't want them. Then I realized...my family...is hereditary! That stopped me in my tracks right then & there. No way would I be cruel enough to purposefully shackle any child of mine to my family & what it brings to the table. No way. From that point on, I swore off men.
I swore off relationships period. I spent years being distant from my family & felt somewhat "human" because of it. But I didn't get close to anyone else either. As I got older, I steered clear of sexual/intimate relationships because I feel so inept. Being submissive, I don't know how to tell someone "no" when that is definitely what I want to say. I don't want to upset them. I don't want to not please them. I don't want to let them down. So I get into the situation & whatever happens, happens but I tend to disappear afterwards. Only once have I gotten so close to someone that they experience my inadequacies, my vulnerabilities, my lack of knowledge & experience & I *DON'T* run immediately away from them! Once. *sighs* I've not had...The Big Oh. I get close & then...just lose it. I keep saying "I'm broken". I ran across a description of Female Orgasmic Disorder. It says: Some research suggests that failure to achieve an orgasm for women is related to intimacy issues, feelings of fear and anxiety, and a sense of not being safe within the intimate relationship or relationships in general. And that makes sense. Considering. I mean, I always had that issue but I was never vested in these encounters before either. There was no "relationship". It was just sex. But casual sex is beyond weird for me cuz I'm so emotion-based that I can't fathom being THAT intimate with someone & not being attached to them emotionally. The *ONE* time that I approached that level of intimacy & relationship, I still wasn't secure in it. My gut told me constantly that I wasn't wanted, needed in this relationship like I was being told that I was. However, the promise was always there that I would be "taught" the ways of love & the world. I would be "created" & "molded" for them. By them. Together. She would create that experience for me. I would do it for Her. And Him. It was a repeated promise. Over & over. So NOW that that is just a broken promise & I'll never learn any of that from them...when I try to get intimate, I fail. I'm broken. I *only* want to experience & learn these things with Them. They were supposed (according to The Promise) to be my first everything. They were supposed to create me, teach me, let me grow with them. And that is weighing heavily on me today.
I'm standing at a crossroads at the moment. I remember trying to have a new relationship...right after my world exploded. It didn't go well. I was offered everything that I'd begged another for but couldn't accept it. Couldn't let someone else take her place because I'd be "cheating" on her even though she doesn't give a rat's ass about me. I've finally realized that she doesn't care. I can't stop caring though. So I'm stuck still. I can't stop caring & I can't stop not thinking she's the only one that was supposed to get this part of me. Or both of them actually...but I digress. So maybe it was too soon before? Maybe a day after my world shattered & my future became black was too soon to jump into bed with someone else? I accept that on it's own merits. But what about now? Nearly 3 months later? That 1st Relationship After is damaged now & I don't know how to fix it anymore. We can't even speak anymore without it turning into an argument about why I left (job, finances or not being ready for another "relationship"). So I've just stopped speaking all together. I refuse to have another relationship like that in which all we do is argue. Which reminds me, I was watching Brothers and Sisters last night. There was an excerpt where Sarah was talking to Robert about Kitty. I'm going to have to paraphrase because I can't find the exact quote from the ep but, something to the affect of...she fights with passion & love for the things that truly matter to her, that which she loves. When she stops fighting, she's walking away, giving up on it. And I realized that is a LOT like me. If I don't fight for something, it's not all that important to me. I stopped fighting my family when I was just a child. I have fought Kat many times over the last months. I realize that I've stopped fighting with her or for her even. I've stopped fighting but I've not stopped caring, which puts me between a rock & a hard place. Now I've stopped fighting for this friendship. I no longer see the point in holding onto it if all it's going to be is one continuous argument. :/ I also have the potential for new relationships looming in the near distance. I worry that I can't do them...
*sighs*
When I woke up 2 hours ago, I knew today wasn't going to be a "good" day. I'm surrounded by negativity, loneliness, & despair. I'm surrounded by family, friendships that are tense, love that is shattered, attraction that is unsure & still no signs of employment. :/
I ran across this poem a bit ago...I liked it. I think I should share:
Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.
I'm craving that kindness like nothing I've felt before right now. Craving it & terrified of it at the same time.
Looking back, I didn't have a horrible childhood, per se. Not as bleak as I like to portray it sometimes. It wasn't The Brady Bunch or The Cosby Show but it wasn't great. Hell...it wasn't even good much. I remember when I was little, before I became jaded, I'd tell Mama all the time "I love you." I'd say it, draw her pictures or leave her notes. Random. Out of the blue. Just because I felt like saying it. She'd reply, "I love you, too, Punkin." And then she'd beat me or rip me to shreds with how ugly & awful & stupid & fat I was. Within a few years, I stopped telling her that I loved her because it didn't matter. She was still going to hurt me, no matter if I loved her or not.
I don't *DO* family. Or, at the very least, MY family. And I haven't a clue how to trust other families to not be fake. Not be hiding some deep, dark secret beyond the facade they portray. But, that goes to just people in general, too. I get around my relatives...mom, grandmother, uncles, aunts, cousins...& I immediately brace myself for the barrage of condemnation & insults. The entire time, my body is physically strung tight against this. I usually hurt afterwards, when I can relax again. I look at my family & I know that I don't like them. I have nothing in common with them. I see where I came from & I don't identify with it at all. I see these people that I've not seen in a year or 10 years or 20 years & I immediately feel crushed under the weight of them. I'm insignificant, I'm just there to be ridiculed & talked about, I'm just useful enough for them to have topics of conversation over. I wish I were invisible to them or didn't exist at all. I don't have any need to be a part of this condescending, ridiculing, berating, racist, judgemental, humiliating, ignorant collection of blood relatives. At the same time, I feel a sense of *connection* to them though. Because "they're family". I don't like them but I can't deny them either?
When I was in my mid-20s, I went through a period of time where I was *craving* having a child. Had no use to be married & create a "family" but I wanted a child. And I went through a handful of men that I slept with, unprotected, *hoping* for an "accident". Was with them once each because it wasn't about them but what they could create for me. I didn't want them. Then I realized...my family...is hereditary! That stopped me in my tracks right then & there. No way would I be cruel enough to purposefully shackle any child of mine to my family & what it brings to the table. No way. From that point on, I swore off men.
I swore off relationships period. I spent years being distant from my family & felt somewhat "human" because of it. But I didn't get close to anyone else either. As I got older, I steered clear of sexual/intimate relationships because I feel so inept. Being submissive, I don't know how to tell someone "no" when that is definitely what I want to say. I don't want to upset them. I don't want to not please them. I don't want to let them down. So I get into the situation & whatever happens, happens but I tend to disappear afterwards. Only once have I gotten so close to someone that they experience my inadequacies, my vulnerabilities, my lack of knowledge & experience & I *DON'T* run immediately away from them! Once. *sighs* I've not had...The Big Oh. I get close & then...just lose it. I keep saying "I'm broken". I ran across a description of Female Orgasmic Disorder. It says: Some research suggests that failure to achieve an orgasm for women is related to intimacy issues, feelings of fear and anxiety, and a sense of not being safe within the intimate relationship or relationships in general. And that makes sense. Considering. I mean, I always had that issue but I was never vested in these encounters before either. There was no "relationship". It was just sex. But casual sex is beyond weird for me cuz I'm so emotion-based that I can't fathom being THAT intimate with someone & not being attached to them emotionally. The *ONE* time that I approached that level of intimacy & relationship, I still wasn't secure in it. My gut told me constantly that I wasn't wanted, needed in this relationship like I was being told that I was. However, the promise was always there that I would be "taught" the ways of love & the world. I would be "created" & "molded" for them. By them. Together. She would create that experience for me. I would do it for Her. And Him. It was a repeated promise. Over & over. So NOW that that is just a broken promise & I'll never learn any of that from them...when I try to get intimate, I fail. I'm broken. I *only* want to experience & learn these things with Them. They were supposed (according to The Promise) to be my first everything. They were supposed to create me, teach me, let me grow with them. And that is weighing heavily on me today.
I'm standing at a crossroads at the moment. I remember trying to have a new relationship...right after my world exploded. It didn't go well. I was offered everything that I'd begged another for but couldn't accept it. Couldn't let someone else take her place because I'd be "cheating" on her even though she doesn't give a rat's ass about me. I've finally realized that she doesn't care. I can't stop caring though. So I'm stuck still. I can't stop caring & I can't stop not thinking she's the only one that was supposed to get this part of me. Or both of them actually...but I digress. So maybe it was too soon before? Maybe a day after my world shattered & my future became black was too soon to jump into bed with someone else? I accept that on it's own merits. But what about now? Nearly 3 months later? That 1st Relationship After is damaged now & I don't know how to fix it anymore. We can't even speak anymore without it turning into an argument about why I left (job, finances or not being ready for another "relationship"). So I've just stopped speaking all together. I refuse to have another relationship like that in which all we do is argue. Which reminds me, I was watching Brothers and Sisters last night. There was an excerpt where Sarah was talking to Robert about Kitty. I'm going to have to paraphrase because I can't find the exact quote from the ep but, something to the affect of...she fights with passion & love for the things that truly matter to her, that which she loves. When she stops fighting, she's walking away, giving up on it. And I realized that is a LOT like me. If I don't fight for something, it's not all that important to me. I stopped fighting my family when I was just a child. I have fought Kat many times over the last months. I realize that I've stopped fighting with her or for her even. I've stopped fighting but I've not stopped caring, which puts me between a rock & a hard place. Now I've stopped fighting for this friendship. I no longer see the point in holding onto it if all it's going to be is one continuous argument. :/ I also have the potential for new relationships looming in the near distance. I worry that I can't do them...
*sighs*
When I woke up 2 hours ago, I knew today wasn't going to be a "good" day. I'm surrounded by negativity, loneliness, & despair. I'm surrounded by family, friendships that are tense, love that is shattered, attraction that is unsure & still no signs of employment. :/
I ran across this poem a bit ago...I liked it. I think I should share:
Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.
I'm craving that kindness like nothing I've felt before right now. Craving it & terrified of it at the same time.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
History Repeats Itself...
So I've been spending more time in SL lately, on both accounts. Just like in the past...without fail, anytime Kat & I fought or broke up or whatever...I *always* would roam about SL aimlessly for hours on end. In these wanderings, I would discover songs that I would then attribute somehow to whatever I was feeling at that particular moment. It was utterly bizarre how that ALWAYS happened! So bizarrely so that I used to say "The music gods hate me!" All the freaking time. My playlists consists of somewhere around 400 songs. I would venture to guess more than half of those were all just overheard in SL initially. *sighs*
Well, it's happening again apparently. I mean, I've been hearing the familiar ones. One that had a couple of potential lines in it but not enough of the song was fitting for it to count. Well, I just heard one that fits. Fits this moment in time. Today was a relatively easy day. She didn't torture me so much so I guess it was bound to happen...
*sighs* Anyway..."Incomplete" by The Backstreet Boys
Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you, within me I can find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess
I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is, incomplete
Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake
I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is, incomplete
I don't mean to drag it on
But I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I won't let you go..........
I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you what I'm going to be is, incomplete...
Incomplete....
Fuck!! Now I'm getting inundated!! *sighs heavily & cries* Right after this one, "Gives You Hell" by All American Rejects came on.
I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far
You've never seem so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard,
Do you know where you are?
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where'd it all go wrong, the list goes on and on
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
Now you'll never see, what you've done to me
You can take back your memories they're no good to me
And here's all your lies,
You can look me in the eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song and sing along, oh you'll never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as wellHope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
And when you sing along I hope that it puts you through hell
Then, a song or 2 after this one..."Heartless" by Kanye West. I've caught bits & pieces of it over the last few days but never the whole thing. Well, of course, since the music gods are burying me tonight, I got the whole thing...
In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so,
Cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo
Just remember that you talking to me though
You need to watch the way you talking to me yo
I mean after all the things that we been through
I mean after all the things we got into
And yo I know of some things that you ain't told me
And yo I did some things but that's the old me
And now you wanna get me back
And you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend
Well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely
In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so Dr. Evil
You're bringing out a side of me that I don't know
I decided we weren't gonna speak so why we up 3 a.m. on the phone
Why does she be so mad at me for, homie
I don't know she's hot and cold
I won't stop, won't mess my groove up cause I already know how this thing goes,
You run and tell your friends that you're leavin' me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see,
You'll never find nobody better than me
In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless?
Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk,
Baby lets just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you
So I got something new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies
I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong and you can't make it right
Im gon' take off tonight
In to the night...
In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless? [2 times]
So, let's just finish it up now (if I can manage to stop here for the night...) with "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus that came on right after Kanye. *sighs*
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Whoa a oh oh
OMG!! I'm *SO* sick of the SL music gods tonight! GEEZ! Gotta get outta there before something else comes on....
Well, it's happening again apparently. I mean, I've been hearing the familiar ones. One that had a couple of potential lines in it but not enough of the song was fitting for it to count. Well, I just heard one that fits. Fits this moment in time. Today was a relatively easy day. She didn't torture me so much so I guess it was bound to happen...
*sighs* Anyway..."Incomplete" by The Backstreet Boys
Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you, within me I can find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess
I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is, incomplete
Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake
I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is, incomplete
I don't mean to drag it on
But I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I won't let you go..........
I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you what I'm going to be is, incomplete...
Incomplete....
Fuck!! Now I'm getting inundated!! *sighs heavily & cries* Right after this one, "Gives You Hell" by All American Rejects came on.
I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far
You've never seem so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard,
Do you know where you are?
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where'd it all go wrong, the list goes on and on
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
Now you'll never see, what you've done to me
You can take back your memories they're no good to me
And here's all your lies,
You can look me in the eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song and sing along, oh you'll never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as wellHope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
And when you sing along I hope that it puts you through hell
Then, a song or 2 after this one..."Heartless" by Kanye West. I've caught bits & pieces of it over the last few days but never the whole thing. Well, of course, since the music gods are burying me tonight, I got the whole thing...
In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so,
Cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo
Just remember that you talking to me though
You need to watch the way you talking to me yo
I mean after all the things that we been through
I mean after all the things we got into
And yo I know of some things that you ain't told me
And yo I did some things but that's the old me
And now you wanna get me back
And you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend
Well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely
In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so Dr. Evil
You're bringing out a side of me that I don't know
I decided we weren't gonna speak so why we up 3 a.m. on the phone
Why does she be so mad at me for, homie
I don't know she's hot and cold
I won't stop, won't mess my groove up cause I already know how this thing goes,
You run and tell your friends that you're leavin' me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see,
You'll never find nobody better than me
In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless?
Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk,
Baby lets just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you
So I got something new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies
I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong and you can't make it right
Im gon' take off tonight
In to the night...
In the night I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless... oh
How could you be so heartless? [2 times]
So, let's just finish it up now (if I can manage to stop here for the night...) with "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus that came on right after Kanye. *sighs*
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Whoa a oh oh
OMG!! I'm *SO* sick of the SL music gods tonight! GEEZ! Gotta get outta there before something else comes on....
Monday, March 16, 2009
Silver Lining?
Dare I say it? Things don't seem so bleak today. But will it last? *sighs*
After all...
Kat *always* tortures me nonstop.
NM is WAY awkward right now & I miss her.
AZ is gonna drive me to drink.
I had a convo with Lou the other day that just...damn, it was so good to talk to her for a few minutes! :D
Lee is still Lee. No matter what. Always tempting, sweet & a bitch all rolled up into one! ;-)
Tanya is annoying the hell out of me with the procrastination.
Tam isn't coming in SL so much but that's a good thing, too, cuz we've both discovered that neither of us are satisfied with it since we can't be the people we used to be in there, back in the day. But just seeing her thrills me. Every time.
Started talking to new local friends. A couple that kinda scares me cuz I don't know that I can go where they want to go yet. :/ And they're moving really, REALLY quick for me.
Another one that I've had an absolute blast with so far! :D I'm gonna get into trouble with her. I can feel it already! *chuckles*
AND...a REAL chance at getting a job! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Ok, that'd be beyond awesome! ;-)
I can sort of make out some light at the end of the tunnel but it's still so damned foggy that I'm just not certain...I can't be sure...I can't completely trust myself to take another step forward just yet...
After all...
Kat *always* tortures me nonstop.
NM is WAY awkward right now & I miss her.
AZ is gonna drive me to drink.
I had a convo with Lou the other day that just...damn, it was so good to talk to her for a few minutes! :D
Lee is still Lee. No matter what. Always tempting, sweet & a bitch all rolled up into one! ;-)
Tanya is annoying the hell out of me with the procrastination.
Tam isn't coming in SL so much but that's a good thing, too, cuz we've both discovered that neither of us are satisfied with it since we can't be the people we used to be in there, back in the day. But just seeing her thrills me. Every time.
Started talking to new local friends. A couple that kinda scares me cuz I don't know that I can go where they want to go yet. :/ And they're moving really, REALLY quick for me.
Another one that I've had an absolute blast with so far! :D I'm gonna get into trouble with her. I can feel it already! *chuckles*
AND...a REAL chance at getting a job! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Ok, that'd be beyond awesome! ;-)
I can sort of make out some light at the end of the tunnel but it's still so damned foggy that I'm just not certain...I can't be sure...I can't completely trust myself to take another step forward just yet...
Friday, March 13, 2009
Jumbled Up...
A mixture of things...
I'm exhausted today. My mind hurts. I took hours blogging this morning. Had to think really hard with that. It wore me out even more. I cried a lot with that one, which was tiresome, too.
Then I got an email from a friend & we were discussing my options of where to possibly move to &/or try to find a job at. She said something that pretty much stopped me cold. She said "People say things to someone they care about to be a good friend to them, to appear to be helpful, to offer support when it's needed...but they secretly hope that you never take them up on it." It was in that moment that I decided I had to stop wishing for something better than what I've got here & decided I'm stuck here (until I can win the lottery & go wherever I want). Just suck it up & deal with my situation as it is instead of trying to make it into something better.
The other night, Neenah had called me "kitten" & it hurt like hell. Like I'd been stabbed. I tried to tell myself that she was looking at me in SL as a neko & that's why but it doesn't matter. I was Kat's kitten before my AV went neko. She went neko *because* of the pet name. :/ So she was always neko to fit the name for Kat. *sighs* So I go in to SL tonight & Tam calls me "kitten". Again, same reasoning as Neenah but...still. I just had to stop, take a deep breath & realize in that moment I could do 1 of 2 things. I can de-neko to avoid being called "kitten" by anyone other than Kat or...I can just let it wash over me & know in my soul I was only ever her kitten & what others are meaning by it isn't the same as that was & move on. So far, I'm still neko.
But I'm not sure it even really matters. I'm not sure I can do SL for any length of time. My entertainment, my purpose, my reason for being in there, no longer exists! Period. End of story. I can't recreate that. I can't bring it back. I can't resurrect any of the past. And it was in the midst of cybering with some random stranger that started talking to me at a club...a guy...nice enough...but still...you'd have to know me to understand the depth of this. It was like absolutely nothing other than entertainment. I was carrying on 4 other convos at the same time. It meant absolutely nothing. I am not *connecting*. I'm not connecting at all to people. That being the reason I was able to nonchalantly do that. And it scared me. I don't want to become that person. I don't want to be that horrible fake person who goes around lying & hurting people in SL just cuz I have no soul. I can't become that person. I can't. I won't.
So, then, lastly, it comes out that I can't really go to NM as an option for moving. Which, is just as well, I suppose. My gut was telling me all along she wasn't serious in her offer. I certainly didn't know if I could take the chance of going there & then run into the issue of not finding a job straight away. I couldn't do that to her. I wouldn't allow myself to do that to her. I never intended to use Kat in that way. I'm certainly not going to go down that road with *friends*. AZ wants me to come there. Probably the *ONE* person that is pretty sure they want me around & I can't go there right now. *sighs* Pretty pathetic, huh?
It's been a really long, tiresome, debilitating, emotional day. I'm ready for sleep.
I'm exhausted today. My mind hurts. I took hours blogging this morning. Had to think really hard with that. It wore me out even more. I cried a lot with that one, which was tiresome, too.
Then I got an email from a friend & we were discussing my options of where to possibly move to &/or try to find a job at. She said something that pretty much stopped me cold. She said "People say things to someone they care about to be a good friend to them, to appear to be helpful, to offer support when it's needed...but they secretly hope that you never take them up on it." It was in that moment that I decided I had to stop wishing for something better than what I've got here & decided I'm stuck here (until I can win the lottery & go wherever I want). Just suck it up & deal with my situation as it is instead of trying to make it into something better.
The other night, Neenah had called me "kitten" & it hurt like hell. Like I'd been stabbed. I tried to tell myself that she was looking at me in SL as a neko & that's why but it doesn't matter. I was Kat's kitten before my AV went neko. She went neko *because* of the pet name. :/ So she was always neko to fit the name for Kat. *sighs* So I go in to SL tonight & Tam calls me "kitten". Again, same reasoning as Neenah but...still. I just had to stop, take a deep breath & realize in that moment I could do 1 of 2 things. I can de-neko to avoid being called "kitten" by anyone other than Kat or...I can just let it wash over me & know in my soul I was only ever her kitten & what others are meaning by it isn't the same as that was & move on. So far, I'm still neko.
But I'm not sure it even really matters. I'm not sure I can do SL for any length of time. My entertainment, my purpose, my reason for being in there, no longer exists! Period. End of story. I can't recreate that. I can't bring it back. I can't resurrect any of the past. And it was in the midst of cybering with some random stranger that started talking to me at a club...a guy...nice enough...but still...you'd have to know me to understand the depth of this. It was like absolutely nothing other than entertainment. I was carrying on 4 other convos at the same time. It meant absolutely nothing. I am not *connecting*. I'm not connecting at all to people. That being the reason I was able to nonchalantly do that. And it scared me. I don't want to become that person. I don't want to be that horrible fake person who goes around lying & hurting people in SL just cuz I have no soul. I can't become that person. I can't. I won't.
So, then, lastly, it comes out that I can't really go to NM as an option for moving. Which, is just as well, I suppose. My gut was telling me all along she wasn't serious in her offer. I certainly didn't know if I could take the chance of going there & then run into the issue of not finding a job straight away. I couldn't do that to her. I wouldn't allow myself to do that to her. I never intended to use Kat in that way. I'm certainly not going to go down that road with *friends*. AZ wants me to come there. Probably the *ONE* person that is pretty sure they want me around & I can't go there right now. *sighs* Pretty pathetic, huh?
It's been a really long, tiresome, debilitating, emotional day. I'm ready for sleep.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Depression & Grief...
Depression hurts! We've all seen that commercial. "Where does depression hurt? Everywhere. Who does depression hurt? Everyone." Blah, blah, blah. :/
I was officially diagnosed (though now I wonder if I can say "officially" or not!) with mild depression (& OCD, incidentally) by this quack when I was 18. I don't even know why I ended up going to the clinic. I hated it. I can tell you that much. Sitting there, talking to this woman about random feelings. Bleh! At any rate, she diagnosed me & gave me these pills to take. After about a month or 2 on them, I decided to look them up in the PDR (that Mama stole from her workplace at the hospital). It was at this point that I realized that shrink was a quack. I forget the name of the pill now but it was an anti-psychotic drug. I'm not psychotic! No wonder I wasn't feeling any differently! Geez!! Needless to say, I stopped taking the meds & stopped going to the clinic.
The rest of my life since then has been pretty much the same. I am always "down", to some degree or another. I've strained myself trying to remember a time that I was ever truly *happy*. I've experienced joy & elation but always...ALWAYS...there's a sad undercurrent going on. I don't typically hit the bottom though-which is good, I guess. I did it once, during the move from FL to LA. I literally thought I was losing my mind; going insane. It was scary. But, typically, I stay on a pretty even-tempered keel of just barely above sad. *shrugs* It tends to make me be very pessimistic & jaded about life. Sarcasm is my 1st language. But, it's not usually debilitating. Til now. But...after a talk with a friend...I wonder...I wonder if it's not my depression at all but perhaps grief?!
I hadn't considered myself to be going through grief over this crap with Kat. I mean, yes, I've said, several times, that I am mourning the loss of us & I truly believe that but to label this...this cycle I'm experiencing...as grief?...no, I hadn't looked at it that way. For me, I was mourning the loss of us & it had made me depressed. Plain & simple. Short & sweet. But...not so much? o.0
So I started researching the 7 Stages of Grief. Wow. Puts things in some sort of perspective now. Of course, the one thing I keep seeing repeated in these articles is that they stress that you do not avoid or bury the initial reaction to grief. Which is exactly what I did. I couldn't deal with it, couldn't accept that this was really happening to us, to me (Stage 1: Shock & Denial)...so I buried my head in the sand. I numbed myself to it & refused to allow myself to roll with this. Anyway, not sure what kind of detriment that will prove except that it's just delayed the process for me. *shrugs* But the shock is a form of protection, too. Prevents you from becoming too overwhelmed.
Stage 2: Pain & Guilt. Described as the suffering of unbelievable pain that is excruciating & almost unbearable. *nods* When I'd allow myself to feel, this is what I felt. It was breathtaking. I literally could not bare to breathe because my chest hurt so much. I had to lock all of that emotion back up just to do the very basic of things like survive. The severity of that pain alone is probably the majority of the reason why I buried everything. But even as I wasn't fully feeling the pain of this, I was drowning in the guilt. I was racking my brain, trying to figure out what the hell I'd done to warrant all of this. I needed to define what I'd done that was so horrible because I needed to beg her for forgiveness. Maybe that's mostly the sub in me talking but it was all I could think about. For weeks. I even tried having conversations with her during this time. Trying to gain some clues & insight so that the light bulb would go off & I could drop to my knees & beg her. I needed her back. I needed to know that she would forgive me for-whatever-it was that I'd done. I needed her to accept me back. I needed her to not be angry with me. I just needed her. Period. I couldn't breathe without her. Obviously.
Stage 3: Anger & Bargaining. I didn't do this a whole lot. But I blamed myself, I blamed her, I accused her of lying to me & playing with me since Day 1. I got very angry with her. I got angry with myself. I hated her for a day or maybe 3. Like I said, it didn't last long. I didn't do any bargaining. Perhaps I would've bargained with her if she'd spoken to me?
Stage 4: Depression, Reflection, Loneliness. Hello!!! I'm hitting this now. This is why I just assumed depression covered everything I was dealing with. Here it is. I'm going to copy & paste from this website their description of this stage because it's my light bulb. Too perfect for rewriting.
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
I'm sleeping, on average, about 10 hours a day. I don't want to see or hear anyone. I try & I get overwhelmed by them very quickly. I'm listening to our songs (all 400 of them), I'm looking at all of the pictures I'd collected on the net for her, now I'm going back into SL & reliving absolutely every facet of us from there, I don't want to eat but I want chocolate constantly, I want to start smoking again (the urge is absolutely incredible!), I've contemplated cutting, I've contemplated pot, I've contemplated (on more than one occasion) killing myself. I sit in the midst of this & when I let myself cry, I sob painfully & I don't see it getting any better. She didn't die on me. Sometimes I wish she had. Might've been easier to accept. Mostly I just wish I could die. It can't feel any worse than this. There's no way. I'm bargaining with myself? I'm surviving this (to some degree) & this is as bad as it'll get so I'll be ok. Eventually. Right??
Except here is where I feel *stuck*. I try to talk this out so I can deal with it. But nobody that I know has been in *this* type of situation. "You're not the 1st person to go through a failed relationship & you won't be the last." Nope. Pretty sure of that. Almost as sure as I am of my own name. But this is the 1st time *I* have experienced this! Don't diminish what I'm going through. "I understand how you feel." You haven't a CLUE what this feels like! I would be very hard pressed to find someone else who's been in a similar situation. A bisexual D/s relationship with a switch in a polyamorous triad. Yep. Hard pressed. WITHOUT adding in Iraq & the girls! Or the myriad of other complications we had! Please. *rolls eyes* Anyway. Stuck. Completely. In this repeating cycle that isn't progressing beyond a certain point. Yet.
There are 3 types of grief. Anticipatory, Sudden Loss & Complicated. Logically, Anticipatory Grief is where you know the death is coming. Sudden Loss is just that. It happens suddenly & without warning. This is what I had. Though I had clues it was happening; just didn't expect the scope of it. Complicated is what I may be experiencing. This is when the grieving process does not progress over time as it should. The intensity of feelings and length of time is severe and prolonged and interferes with your ability to function. You may even fall into a true depression or anxiety disorder. The hallmark of complicated grief is that the thoughts, reactions and behaviors do not change or improve as time goes on. Most people know when they are stuck in a grief that will not resolve. I was telling my friend tonight that I just keep doing these initial steps over & over & over & over. However, this is the 1st I've really felt the "depression" part of the process so maybe it is progressing after all??? I dunno. Complicated grief usually will not conclude on it's own, and requires the help of a professional counselor to resolve it. Something to look forward to? Crap. *sighs*
Stage 5: The Upward Turn. Apparently, at some point, I'll start to adjust to her not being around. Life will become a little calmer & more organized. My physical symptoms will lessen & my depressed fog that I'm in will start to lift. Yay. Can't wait. :/
Stage 6: Reconstruction & Working Through. As I start to become more functional, my mind starts working logically again. I'll start realizing I have a life to live again...without her...& I will be ok.
Stage 7: Acceptance & Hope. The last step-I'll learn to accept & deal with the reality of my situation.
*sighs* The realization that I'm grieving over this was monumental, I think. And it's not just the death of what we had but the death of what was planned for the future. Soooo many hours spent talking about what was wanted for the 3 of us. 5 of us if you count the girls. I had already thought of the 4 of them as my "family". This was where I belonged. This was real. This was...this dream of what we were to become...this was what all of the prior hardships had been for! Someone asked me the other night if I believed in "Everything happens for a reason". I do. I have for years now. But this...this is killing me because I can't imagine the *reason* for THIS! I can't fathom why I have to go through this. Especially when I thought I knew already the reasons for the hiccups we'd had over the last year & a half. It was all to get us to this point. Ok, not *THIS* point but...where we were supposed to be headed. If I sit & analyze that too much, I start to lose it again. I can't...I don't know how...accepting that it was all for absolutely nothing is...I can't do that. I can't deal with having to accept that. *sighs heavily & cries again*
Kathy says my blogs of late have been "insightful". I retorted that they have been painful. I am trying my damndest to be 100% honest with myself. I can't rely on Kat to be honest or even attempt a heartfelt apology. I can't trust myself much these days never mind anyone else. Certainly not her. I need this grief thing to just progress already. I need to be able to breathe again without falling apart. I need...I dunno. I'm not sure what I need exactly. Except maybe to be able to get through just one day without crying. Just one...for now. One would be such a welcomed relief....
I was officially diagnosed (though now I wonder if I can say "officially" or not!) with mild depression (& OCD, incidentally) by this quack when I was 18. I don't even know why I ended up going to the clinic. I hated it. I can tell you that much. Sitting there, talking to this woman about random feelings. Bleh! At any rate, she diagnosed me & gave me these pills to take. After about a month or 2 on them, I decided to look them up in the PDR (that Mama stole from her workplace at the hospital). It was at this point that I realized that shrink was a quack. I forget the name of the pill now but it was an anti-psychotic drug. I'm not psychotic! No wonder I wasn't feeling any differently! Geez!! Needless to say, I stopped taking the meds & stopped going to the clinic.
The rest of my life since then has been pretty much the same. I am always "down", to some degree or another. I've strained myself trying to remember a time that I was ever truly *happy*. I've experienced joy & elation but always...ALWAYS...there's a sad undercurrent going on. I don't typically hit the bottom though-which is good, I guess. I did it once, during the move from FL to LA. I literally thought I was losing my mind; going insane. It was scary. But, typically, I stay on a pretty even-tempered keel of just barely above sad. *shrugs* It tends to make me be very pessimistic & jaded about life. Sarcasm is my 1st language. But, it's not usually debilitating. Til now. But...after a talk with a friend...I wonder...I wonder if it's not my depression at all but perhaps grief?!
I hadn't considered myself to be going through grief over this crap with Kat. I mean, yes, I've said, several times, that I am mourning the loss of us & I truly believe that but to label this...this cycle I'm experiencing...as grief?...no, I hadn't looked at it that way. For me, I was mourning the loss of us & it had made me depressed. Plain & simple. Short & sweet. But...not so much? o.0
So I started researching the 7 Stages of Grief. Wow. Puts things in some sort of perspective now. Of course, the one thing I keep seeing repeated in these articles is that they stress that you do not avoid or bury the initial reaction to grief. Which is exactly what I did. I couldn't deal with it, couldn't accept that this was really happening to us, to me (Stage 1: Shock & Denial)...so I buried my head in the sand. I numbed myself to it & refused to allow myself to roll with this. Anyway, not sure what kind of detriment that will prove except that it's just delayed the process for me. *shrugs* But the shock is a form of protection, too. Prevents you from becoming too overwhelmed.
Stage 2: Pain & Guilt. Described as the suffering of unbelievable pain that is excruciating & almost unbearable. *nods* When I'd allow myself to feel, this is what I felt. It was breathtaking. I literally could not bare to breathe because my chest hurt so much. I had to lock all of that emotion back up just to do the very basic of things like survive. The severity of that pain alone is probably the majority of the reason why I buried everything. But even as I wasn't fully feeling the pain of this, I was drowning in the guilt. I was racking my brain, trying to figure out what the hell I'd done to warrant all of this. I needed to define what I'd done that was so horrible because I needed to beg her for forgiveness. Maybe that's mostly the sub in me talking but it was all I could think about. For weeks. I even tried having conversations with her during this time. Trying to gain some clues & insight so that the light bulb would go off & I could drop to my knees & beg her. I needed her back. I needed to know that she would forgive me for-whatever-it was that I'd done. I needed her to accept me back. I needed her to not be angry with me. I just needed her. Period. I couldn't breathe without her. Obviously.
Stage 3: Anger & Bargaining. I didn't do this a whole lot. But I blamed myself, I blamed her, I accused her of lying to me & playing with me since Day 1. I got very angry with her. I got angry with myself. I hated her for a day or maybe 3. Like I said, it didn't last long. I didn't do any bargaining. Perhaps I would've bargained with her if she'd spoken to me?
Stage 4: Depression, Reflection, Loneliness. Hello!!! I'm hitting this now. This is why I just assumed depression covered everything I was dealing with. Here it is. I'm going to copy & paste from this website their description of this stage because it's my light bulb. Too perfect for rewriting.
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
I'm sleeping, on average, about 10 hours a day. I don't want to see or hear anyone. I try & I get overwhelmed by them very quickly. I'm listening to our songs (all 400 of them), I'm looking at all of the pictures I'd collected on the net for her, now I'm going back into SL & reliving absolutely every facet of us from there, I don't want to eat but I want chocolate constantly, I want to start smoking again (the urge is absolutely incredible!), I've contemplated cutting, I've contemplated pot, I've contemplated (on more than one occasion) killing myself. I sit in the midst of this & when I let myself cry, I sob painfully & I don't see it getting any better. She didn't die on me. Sometimes I wish she had. Might've been easier to accept. Mostly I just wish I could die. It can't feel any worse than this. There's no way. I'm bargaining with myself? I'm surviving this (to some degree) & this is as bad as it'll get so I'll be ok. Eventually. Right??
Except here is where I feel *stuck*. I try to talk this out so I can deal with it. But nobody that I know has been in *this* type of situation. "You're not the 1st person to go through a failed relationship & you won't be the last." Nope. Pretty sure of that. Almost as sure as I am of my own name. But this is the 1st time *I* have experienced this! Don't diminish what I'm going through. "I understand how you feel." You haven't a CLUE what this feels like! I would be very hard pressed to find someone else who's been in a similar situation. A bisexual D/s relationship with a switch in a polyamorous triad. Yep. Hard pressed. WITHOUT adding in Iraq & the girls! Or the myriad of other complications we had! Please. *rolls eyes* Anyway. Stuck. Completely. In this repeating cycle that isn't progressing beyond a certain point. Yet.
There are 3 types of grief. Anticipatory, Sudden Loss & Complicated. Logically, Anticipatory Grief is where you know the death is coming. Sudden Loss is just that. It happens suddenly & without warning. This is what I had. Though I had clues it was happening; just didn't expect the scope of it. Complicated is what I may be experiencing. This is when the grieving process does not progress over time as it should. The intensity of feelings and length of time is severe and prolonged and interferes with your ability to function. You may even fall into a true depression or anxiety disorder. The hallmark of complicated grief is that the thoughts, reactions and behaviors do not change or improve as time goes on. Most people know when they are stuck in a grief that will not resolve. I was telling my friend tonight that I just keep doing these initial steps over & over & over & over. However, this is the 1st I've really felt the "depression" part of the process so maybe it is progressing after all??? I dunno. Complicated grief usually will not conclude on it's own, and requires the help of a professional counselor to resolve it. Something to look forward to? Crap. *sighs*
Stage 5: The Upward Turn. Apparently, at some point, I'll start to adjust to her not being around. Life will become a little calmer & more organized. My physical symptoms will lessen & my depressed fog that I'm in will start to lift. Yay. Can't wait. :/
Stage 6: Reconstruction & Working Through. As I start to become more functional, my mind starts working logically again. I'll start realizing I have a life to live again...without her...& I will be ok.
Stage 7: Acceptance & Hope. The last step-I'll learn to accept & deal with the reality of my situation.
*sighs* The realization that I'm grieving over this was monumental, I think. And it's not just the death of what we had but the death of what was planned for the future. Soooo many hours spent talking about what was wanted for the 3 of us. 5 of us if you count the girls. I had already thought of the 4 of them as my "family". This was where I belonged. This was real. This was...this dream of what we were to become...this was what all of the prior hardships had been for! Someone asked me the other night if I believed in "Everything happens for a reason". I do. I have for years now. But this...this is killing me because I can't imagine the *reason* for THIS! I can't fathom why I have to go through this. Especially when I thought I knew already the reasons for the hiccups we'd had over the last year & a half. It was all to get us to this point. Ok, not *THIS* point but...where we were supposed to be headed. If I sit & analyze that too much, I start to lose it again. I can't...I don't know how...accepting that it was all for absolutely nothing is...I can't do that. I can't deal with having to accept that. *sighs heavily & cries again*
Kathy says my blogs of late have been "insightful". I retorted that they have been painful. I am trying my damndest to be 100% honest with myself. I can't rely on Kat to be honest or even attempt a heartfelt apology. I can't trust myself much these days never mind anyone else. Certainly not her. I need this grief thing to just progress already. I need to be able to breathe again without falling apart. I need...I dunno. I'm not sure what I need exactly. Except maybe to be able to get through just one day without crying. Just one...for now. One would be such a welcomed relief....
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Needy...
I miss her. I miss her & I don't know why. Some days more than others. Like today. And last night. I've lost my official count but...everything exploded on Dec. 29 & she made decisions based on others instead of me & her. She put me in peril because of her inability to communicate. She was wrong & she can't find it within herself to admit it or attempt to correct it or...repair it. I've got no stinking clue how I expect her to fix this but I expect *something*. I should hate her. I should despise her. I should wish her harm & great sorrow. I should. I wish I could. Would be easier to move on if I hated her. But, instead, I'm stuck...*here*...still loving her & missing her. I hate my life...I wish it were over. I wish I had the strength & courage...*sighs*
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
My Second Life
You've heard me mention SL (SecondLife) a few times by now. It is actually starting to weigh on my mind again so maybe I should tell you the story about my Second Life-the one that nearly overpowered my first.
My friend, Heidi, had a friend who told her about this website/game that you could make money from. So we talked about it until we were curious enough to go check it out. So we're on MSN Messenger as we're signing up, etc...comparing notes & such, trying to walk each other through the process. It was mid-evening on January 22, 2007.
In real life, I was still struggling with the aftermath of the move from FL to LA, the loss of a potentially life-changing friendship, the inability to find a job in a town with a population of 6000, watching my roommate become more & more whacked out on prescription drugs to the point of being a daily zombie &, in turn, I starting hating her. In my online world, I was getting bored with Neopets. I'd been playing there for a year & a half & it was getting old. Plus, Chele had stopped playing cuz she was starting her own RL business. Enter SecondLife stage left!
SecondLife is a 3D virtual world where every single bit of content is user-created. Everything you see, hear, do, go to, buy, find, interact with...is created by another player. If you are really smart & talented & extremely lucky, you can learn to build & create content that you can sell to other players to use. Thus you can make money on SL! You can make your avatar (AV) into pretty much anything you can imagine. Just as in RL, AVs are usually pretty unique with a few appearing similar sometimes. Most of the people I knew were human. A bunch were neko. Myself included. Neko is human with feline characteristics such as ears & tails. Some people added more elements such as cat eyes, whiskers, claws, paws, skins that were spotted or striped. Some people were demons or fae (fairy/sprite) or vampires or lycans (werewolves). some were furries (full animal-big cats, bears, rabbits). Some were tinies (very small full animals-these had to use specially created items because they were so small. Bunnies, teddy bears, squirrels, skunks). I had a friend who was cyborg a lot of the time that I knew her. I had another friend who, it seems, was his mission, to be the most unique thing he could find. He was a dragon, T-Rex, Pegasus, Transformer-at different times. Once you got off into the Netherworlds, you could find aliens, she-males, etc...any sexual fetish preference you could imagine! Hell, you could even be a ghost or skeleton! There were things that claimed to make you invisible but I never tried those to see if they actually worked! ;-) The possibilities were limitless except by your own imagination & pocketbook.
Tam as a panther:
It's not called SecondLife for no reason. You literally do everything inworld that you'd do in RL. You have a home with decor-whether you rent or buy land-an apartment or a castle or a mansion on the beach! You date, fall in love, get married with extravagant weddings, have sex, have drama in your relationships, get divorced, have pregnancies & then babies, adopt kids, go to school, have a job, run a business, sell your art, sing for live audiences, go to parties, go out to clubs with friends, gamble, play games, go shopping, climb mountains & volcanoes, go sailing, horseback riding, race cars & boats, have vehicles of all kinds, deep sea diving, tour the world (I spent a night going from NY to Egypt to London back to Hollywood, CA once!), And it didn't stop there! As if all of this was not enough, you have sims that cater to specific roleplay genres. Most of these are member-only & you cannot even tour the sim unless you are in appropriate attire. One of the biggest & most well known of these sims was medieval with Kings, Queens, Knights, maidens & so on. They had lots of fae on that sim, too. It was absolutely beautiful there! One of my 1st favorite places was a waterfall that was hidden deep within. The next largest RP contenders were your BDSM sims. Absolutely no holes barred here. Anything could be done on these sims. There were even several Gorean-based sims. A friend & I teleported to one once, not knowing what it was & came extremely close to being captured. When you get captured on Gor, you can't escape until they let you go. Logging out of SL entirely didn't even save you. When you logged back in, you'd be wherever you were when you left. Another big RP was for vampires & lycans. My favorite of these was Transylvania. There were urban sims & mafia sims, too. And probably even more that I didn't know about! Absolutely anything you could want in ANY life, you could find here. I think, in my state of mind at the time, that proved to be a deadly combination for me.
Me & Mirtha racing motorcycles on an urban sim:
Polly, Louise & I at a "schoolgirl" event at Dreamgirls:
Me & Cole sitting on the Hollywood sign:
Lorissa & Jeff's wedding:
Martina & Ravena's wedding:
Finn, Becca & I dancing at Organica on Happy Clam Island:
Me as a stripper at Xtreme lol:
One of the many houses:
Me at my waterfall:
Polly & I captured in the dungeon by Lou:
Over the next month or so, I had to figure out what SL would be for me now. I had to reinvent myself. Reconnect with old friends & find new ones. That starting over period was a pretty wild ride! I clung to Neenah cuz she was comfortable & familiar. She was my rock, my anchor in all of this stormy sea. Though she was no longer with Cal or the same group of people either. She'd created a clothing store & it sat at this mall on Happy Clam Island where she'd made some new friends-1 of which was an old friend she'd known from before. Soon I began to meet people on this island, too. One of them being 1 of the 5 island owners. She & I hit it off immediately. We've become great friends-in RL, too, now! :-) I hooked back up with Mirtha & she introduced me to her circle of friends. One of which will always be 1 of my biggest temptations! ;-) Soon I had more new people in my life than I knew what to do with! Then it happened. Lynny, my chain sister with Lou...wanted to introduce me to a friend of her's. That's how I met Kat. The rest, as they say, is history. I really don't want to relive all of that by writing about it though.
Anyway, so by the beginning of April, 2008, I had slowly stopped going into SL anymore. Kat had stopped going in. It's been almost a year since I've been in SL on any sort of regular basis. That's absolutely incredible considering how submersed in that world I was. *sighs*
Here's what has happened in the past year since I became adverse to SL. The few friends that I have left that still go in, it's a knee-jerk reaction to roll my eyes or become annoyed with anything they say about SL. There have even been times that I've gotten downright angry about them being in SL instead of hanging out with me. That's so freaking pathetic! :/ But it's because I miss it. I feel like I *can't* get back into SL. I can't go inworld without being inundated with everything Kat & I. The memories are pure torture. She ruined SL for me. She ruined being able to enjoy & crave BDSM inworld & in RL even. She ruined being able to laugh & just be *happy*. She ruined me. Period. But SL is where it started & it's the biggest concentrated location for the memories to live. *sighs*
But here's the thing, in the last month or so, I've been thinking that I want to go back into SL. Breathe new life into my AV. Start over. Reinvent myself. Problem is I don't know if I can go in there without Kat haunting me or me automatically going on the hunt for another Mistress. That huge, gaping, bleeding hole in me needs healing & I don't know how to do it. My emotional state of being right now is not conducive with a healthy SL experience either, I don't think. Being unemployed has me down. Being destroyed emotionally has me really depressed. I'm lonely & hurting & scared. :-( I went inworld last night & Tam was online! OMG! After talking, she's considering possibly coming back inworld regualarly again. Neenah is back inworld. If Tam comes back, too...I'm so there. Between the 2 of them...I will be ensconced, no doubt.
Then there's the question of would I revive the AV everyone knows-the one that is so irrevocably damaged or do I let my stagnant alt (who most everyone knows) have a chance at the limelight? Or do I just completely start over with an all new AV? The possibilities are limitless....
My friend, Heidi, had a friend who told her about this website/game that you could make money from. So we talked about it until we were curious enough to go check it out. So we're on MSN Messenger as we're signing up, etc...comparing notes & such, trying to walk each other through the process. It was mid-evening on January 22, 2007.
In real life, I was still struggling with the aftermath of the move from FL to LA, the loss of a potentially life-changing friendship, the inability to find a job in a town with a population of 6000, watching my roommate become more & more whacked out on prescription drugs to the point of being a daily zombie &, in turn, I starting hating her. In my online world, I was getting bored with Neopets. I'd been playing there for a year & a half & it was getting old. Plus, Chele had stopped playing cuz she was starting her own RL business. Enter SecondLife stage left!
SecondLife is a 3D virtual world where every single bit of content is user-created. Everything you see, hear, do, go to, buy, find, interact with...is created by another player. If you are really smart & talented & extremely lucky, you can learn to build & create content that you can sell to other players to use. Thus you can make money on SL! You can make your avatar (AV) into pretty much anything you can imagine. Just as in RL, AVs are usually pretty unique with a few appearing similar sometimes. Most of the people I knew were human. A bunch were neko. Myself included. Neko is human with feline characteristics such as ears & tails. Some people added more elements such as cat eyes, whiskers, claws, paws, skins that were spotted or striped. Some people were demons or fae (fairy/sprite) or vampires or lycans (werewolves). some were furries (full animal-big cats, bears, rabbits). Some were tinies (very small full animals-these had to use specially created items because they were so small. Bunnies, teddy bears, squirrels, skunks). I had a friend who was cyborg a lot of the time that I knew her. I had another friend who, it seems, was his mission, to be the most unique thing he could find. He was a dragon, T-Rex, Pegasus, Transformer-at different times. Once you got off into the Netherworlds, you could find aliens, she-males, etc...any sexual fetish preference you could imagine! Hell, you could even be a ghost or skeleton! There were things that claimed to make you invisible but I never tried those to see if they actually worked! ;-) The possibilities were limitless except by your own imagination & pocketbook.
Me, xO & Vixen as nekos:
Phoebe as a mermaid:
Tam as a panther:
It's not called SecondLife for no reason. You literally do everything inworld that you'd do in RL. You have a home with decor-whether you rent or buy land-an apartment or a castle or a mansion on the beach! You date, fall in love, get married with extravagant weddings, have sex, have drama in your relationships, get divorced, have pregnancies & then babies, adopt kids, go to school, have a job, run a business, sell your art, sing for live audiences, go to parties, go out to clubs with friends, gamble, play games, go shopping, climb mountains & volcanoes, go sailing, horseback riding, race cars & boats, have vehicles of all kinds, deep sea diving, tour the world (I spent a night going from NY to Egypt to London back to Hollywood, CA once!), And it didn't stop there! As if all of this was not enough, you have sims that cater to specific roleplay genres. Most of these are member-only & you cannot even tour the sim unless you are in appropriate attire. One of the biggest & most well known of these sims was medieval with Kings, Queens, Knights, maidens & so on. They had lots of fae on that sim, too. It was absolutely beautiful there! One of my 1st favorite places was a waterfall that was hidden deep within. The next largest RP contenders were your BDSM sims. Absolutely no holes barred here. Anything could be done on these sims. There were even several Gorean-based sims. A friend & I teleported to one once, not knowing what it was & came extremely close to being captured. When you get captured on Gor, you can't escape until they let you go. Logging out of SL entirely didn't even save you. When you logged back in, you'd be wherever you were when you left. Another big RP was for vampires & lycans. My favorite of these was Transylvania. There were urban sims & mafia sims, too. And probably even more that I didn't know about! Absolutely anything you could want in ANY life, you could find here. I think, in my state of mind at the time, that proved to be a deadly combination for me.Me & Mirtha racing motorcycles on an urban sim:
Polly, Louise & I at a "schoolgirl" event at Dreamgirls:Me & Cole sitting on the Hollywood sign:Lorissa & Jeff's wedding:Martina & Ravena's wedding:Finn, Becca & I dancing at Organica on Happy Clam Island:Me as a stripper at Xtreme lol:
One of the many houses:
Me at my waterfall: It took me a couple of weeks to get addicted. It took me a couple of weeks to actually start meeting people. I'm really very shy with strangers. I've never been one to just walk up to someone & start chatting! SL is no different in that aspect for me! lol However, once I started meeting people, it was all downhill from there! With all that SL had to offer, it would be the relationships that I formed there that would be my addiction.
The 1st place I landed was a place called Club Kanaloa. It was a Grecian-styled mansion surrounded by palm trees & they had a multi-player Slingo game in the yard. The 3 main people that worked there, Jeff & Lorissa (the owners-who were dating & later married) & Tristan (marketing director) all wore togas most of the time. Sometimes Mirtha would show up in a toga (she was a PT hostess & escort). Yes, Kanaloa had ladies for hire! ;-) Sex sells & sex is a massive business in SL! I met Mirtha 1st & then the other 3. Then I started working for them, hosting Slingo. Very quickly, I started running games for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. It was while I was hosting that I met Neenah & Cal & a whole slew of other people who would end up being good friends. It's also how I gained my 5 stalkers! LMAO After my run at Kanaloa, a group of about 12 of us hung out daily & just did whatever, whenever. We went to events together, we all pretty much were dating someone else in the group. Cal & Neenah had their own club so we hung out there a lot, too. But, you see, the #1 constant in SL is drama. It runs rampant there! And this is what broke up our little group. I won't go into details cuz it wasn't pleasant. It was after all of this drama was dying down & I was contemplating leaving SL that I happened into Girls Talk & met Louise & Polly. You see, up until this point, I still wasn't really submersed into SL yet. I still led somewhat of a RL. RL ceased to exist once I met Lou. I didn't do anything but SL. I mean, literally, nothing else besides SL. I didn't leave my room. I had my own bathroom that was connected to my bedroom. I rarely ate. I slept *maybe* 2 hours a night. I averaged 20 hours a day in SL-solid. I didn't keep up with email. Neopets was forgotten. I'd stopped speaking to my roommate all together. Never spent any time with any of our 4 kitties anymore. I didn't talk on the phone & I didn't spend any time with my RL best friend of the past 30 years or my godson anymore. Nothing existed for me except SL & Lou & my life there. To compound the issue, I never knew what time it was cuz my computer clock & alarm clock were both set to UK time-I was on Lou's time. She lived near London & I was in Northern Louisiana! Yeah. I did this for 3 months & had no intention of stopping it either. RL had to come crashing down on me before I changed anything. I lost Lou over that week & a half that I wasn't online. But the 1st 5 days I was gone, I had simply vanished. She had no clue what had happened to me or where I was or if I was ok. Tam had been with me in SL when the actual RL intrusion happened so she had an idea of what was going on but no details. Anyway, apparently Lou lost control to some degree because she was nuts over not being able to find out if I was ok & that breakdown for her caused issues in her RL, in her marriage & she made a decision. When I finally got back online, within 3 days, she'd left SL, for good. My world was shattered. The family had fallen apart. And I was lost. I hated her for this for months.
Me, Cal & Neenah at Kanaloa:
Polly & I captured in the dungeon by Lou:Over the next month or so, I had to figure out what SL would be for me now. I had to reinvent myself. Reconnect with old friends & find new ones. That starting over period was a pretty wild ride! I clung to Neenah cuz she was comfortable & familiar. She was my rock, my anchor in all of this stormy sea. Though she was no longer with Cal or the same group of people either. She'd created a clothing store & it sat at this mall on Happy Clam Island where she'd made some new friends-1 of which was an old friend she'd known from before. Soon I began to meet people on this island, too. One of them being 1 of the 5 island owners. She & I hit it off immediately. We've become great friends-in RL, too, now! :-) I hooked back up with Mirtha & she introduced me to her circle of friends. One of which will always be 1 of my biggest temptations! ;-) Soon I had more new people in my life than I knew what to do with! Then it happened. Lynny, my chain sister with Lou...wanted to introduce me to a friend of her's. That's how I met Kat. The rest, as they say, is history. I really don't want to relive all of that by writing about it though.
Anyway, so by the beginning of April, 2008, I had slowly stopped going into SL anymore. Kat had stopped going in. It's been almost a year since I've been in SL on any sort of regular basis. That's absolutely incredible considering how submersed in that world I was. *sighs*
Here's what has happened in the past year since I became adverse to SL. The few friends that I have left that still go in, it's a knee-jerk reaction to roll my eyes or become annoyed with anything they say about SL. There have even been times that I've gotten downright angry about them being in SL instead of hanging out with me. That's so freaking pathetic! :/ But it's because I miss it. I feel like I *can't* get back into SL. I can't go inworld without being inundated with everything Kat & I. The memories are pure torture. She ruined SL for me. She ruined being able to enjoy & crave BDSM inworld & in RL even. She ruined being able to laugh & just be *happy*. She ruined me. Period. But SL is where it started & it's the biggest concentrated location for the memories to live. *sighs*
But here's the thing, in the last month or so, I've been thinking that I want to go back into SL. Breathe new life into my AV. Start over. Reinvent myself. Problem is I don't know if I can go in there without Kat haunting me or me automatically going on the hunt for another Mistress. That huge, gaping, bleeding hole in me needs healing & I don't know how to do it. My emotional state of being right now is not conducive with a healthy SL experience either, I don't think. Being unemployed has me down. Being destroyed emotionally has me really depressed. I'm lonely & hurting & scared. :-( I went inworld last night & Tam was online! OMG! After talking, she's considering possibly coming back inworld regualarly again. Neenah is back inworld. If Tam comes back, too...I'm so there. Between the 2 of them...I will be ensconced, no doubt.
Then there's the question of would I revive the AV everyone knows-the one that is so irrevocably damaged or do I let my stagnant alt (who most everyone knows) have a chance at the limelight? Or do I just completely start over with an all new AV? The possibilities are limitless....
My alt & I:
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Lyrics That Affect...
I've been listening to the good/bad songs most all afternoon. I've avoided them for over a month now. I'm surviving it so far. But I'm not gonna breathe easy cuz of it. After all, I've done this before by shutting it out. And everyone around me knows that I am still numb to this & not dealing with it. :/ But it felt good to hear those songs & take them at face value...no matter the reason. I even sang along...
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Just Smile & Say, "Yes, Mistress!"
D/s. Domination & submission. An aspect of the BDSM lifestyle. I guess, typically, when people hear the term "BDSM" they either a) have no clue what it is or b) have visions of severe torture & kinky sex. Ok, I admit it, when I hear "BDSM", I instinctively think of the torture extreme, too, 1st. However, I realize there's more to it than that.
My journey into this world began in April, 2006. I went to work at an adult alternative clothing & toy store as an administrative assistant. I could go into great detail about the day I walked in for my interview-lol-O...M...G...! I think, working there, was the best few months of my life & certainly opened the doors for where I am now. I worked with the idea of these products without really knowing what they were. When I'd walk through the retail store, it was like I had invisible blinders on-I never *saw* anything. Going into the stockroom to weigh envelopes for mailing was the same thing. All of these nipple clamps & butt plugs & things everywhere but they were nothing more than foreign metal objects to me. My bosses-a husband & wife team-referred to themselves as a Master & a Dominatrix. Ok, sure. Whatever that means! lol! My co-workers...all of which were a little on the "odd" side, all of them were goth but every one of them were like pieces of gold! I like odd! ;-) It wasn't until one co-worker whom I'd gotten particularly close to, invited me to a club to watch her do a Female Domination performance that all of the bells & whistles started going off! *grins* The hot wax was...intriguing. The flogger was...heh...well, crap...is it getting hot in here or what?! *grins* But I don't think I will EVER forget how my body reacted when I realized that the violet wand that Cera was using on Des was *shocking* her! OMFG!!! Heh. *blushes* Thus, the freak in me was born. Thanks, Cera! Holy crap. *giggles*
About 6 months later, I discovered SecondLife.com. It would take another couple of months before I'd discover the BDSM scene in there but I got introduced to it by this guy I was seeing. He wanted to collar me & though I wasn't all that sure about what that meant, I agreed to it. When Scot had my AV strip & get into Nadu (a Gorean sexually submissive kneeling position) so he could put the collar on...the intense feeling that washed over me was akin to what I'd felt at Cera & Des' performance. It was in that moment that I realized I was hitting on something inside of me that was extremely intense. Scot didn't last long after that but I had the hunger now so I went in search of knowledge on the subject. Started researching on the internet & searching for BDSM sims in SL. Before I'd really *experienced* anything, I'd already decided that Gor was too barbaric for me, though, some of the etiquette customs I can relate to. My next experience, however, came as an accident. I happened into this club, was greeted by 2 women, started to chat, instantly connected with them & it took me a couple of hours to realize that Polly was calling Louise "Mistress" & being very subservient to her. I was intrigued! I started asking questions & soon Louise & I were discussing me submitting to Her. I wasn't sure about this because from what I'd read online, this was a huge thing to do! She was, after all, serious about this. Completely unlike Scot who had wanted to collar just for the "look". Not only would I be submitting to Lou but I'd be her slave. And I'd be her 3rd one, at that. Against the advice of a good friend, I ended up submitting. Even though the relationship ended badly-the middle & the beginning, I'll always look upon fondly. I learned so much in that time. About the lifestyle, about the rules, about the etiquette, about myself. Being a part of Lou's family gave me experiences I would've never known & introduced me to people-good & bad-that I will never forget. You see, technically, if it weren't for Lou...I never would've met Kat. Now, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing-I've not decided yet but...they are definitely connected. Then there were the others, too, that I've met along the way, Dommes & subs alike. Miss Dini, brat, Tam, onyx, Tal, bitsy, Alexi, Oh Oh, & my very own Cookie has embraced it! :D I feel privileged to know or have known these people. Each one added something unique to my existence. To tell you that the time spent in SL with all of these friends was the 1st time in my life that I felt like I *belonged* somewhere or that I was a significant part of something would be admitting to you one of my secrets. To look at it objectively, that really is kind of sad that it took 33 years & a virtual game to let me feel that but it's the truth. I'll admit something else, too. Since I've been out of it, I feel lost again. Alone. I've lost almost everyone I knew in the lifestyle in the past 2 years. I long to have that feeling back but there's been so much...damage...lately. I don't know how to heal it yet. And not having that support group around me either makes it tougher.
All of the research in the world doesn't warn you or teach you how to survive this D/s relationship when it goes bad. None of it tells you how to submit without losing yourself. The problem with life is that you can't go back. You can't not know the things you've learned the hard way. But then...would you really want to NOT have experienced it? After everything I've been through, I still can't answer that. I've been completely destroyed but I'm starting to crave that feeling again. Does that mean I'm healing & I want to chance it again with someone new? I'm not sure....
My journey into this world began in April, 2006. I went to work at an adult alternative clothing & toy store as an administrative assistant. I could go into great detail about the day I walked in for my interview-lol-O...M...G...! I think, working there, was the best few months of my life & certainly opened the doors for where I am now. I worked with the idea of these products without really knowing what they were. When I'd walk through the retail store, it was like I had invisible blinders on-I never *saw* anything. Going into the stockroom to weigh envelopes for mailing was the same thing. All of these nipple clamps & butt plugs & things everywhere but they were nothing more than foreign metal objects to me. My bosses-a husband & wife team-referred to themselves as a Master & a Dominatrix. Ok, sure. Whatever that means! lol! My co-workers...all of which were a little on the "odd" side, all of them were goth but every one of them were like pieces of gold! I like odd! ;-) It wasn't until one co-worker whom I'd gotten particularly close to, invited me to a club to watch her do a Female Domination performance that all of the bells & whistles started going off! *grins* The hot wax was...intriguing. The flogger was...heh...well, crap...is it getting hot in here or what?! *grins* But I don't think I will EVER forget how my body reacted when I realized that the violet wand that Cera was using on Des was *shocking* her! OMFG!!! Heh. *blushes* Thus, the freak in me was born. Thanks, Cera! Holy crap. *giggles*
About 6 months later, I discovered SecondLife.com. It would take another couple of months before I'd discover the BDSM scene in there but I got introduced to it by this guy I was seeing. He wanted to collar me & though I wasn't all that sure about what that meant, I agreed to it. When Scot had my AV strip & get into Nadu (a Gorean sexually submissive kneeling position) so he could put the collar on...the intense feeling that washed over me was akin to what I'd felt at Cera & Des' performance. It was in that moment that I realized I was hitting on something inside of me that was extremely intense. Scot didn't last long after that but I had the hunger now so I went in search of knowledge on the subject. Started researching on the internet & searching for BDSM sims in SL. Before I'd really *experienced* anything, I'd already decided that Gor was too barbaric for me, though, some of the etiquette customs I can relate to. My next experience, however, came as an accident. I happened into this club, was greeted by 2 women, started to chat, instantly connected with them & it took me a couple of hours to realize that Polly was calling Louise "Mistress" & being very subservient to her. I was intrigued! I started asking questions & soon Louise & I were discussing me submitting to Her. I wasn't sure about this because from what I'd read online, this was a huge thing to do! She was, after all, serious about this. Completely unlike Scot who had wanted to collar just for the "look". Not only would I be submitting to Lou but I'd be her slave. And I'd be her 3rd one, at that. Against the advice of a good friend, I ended up submitting. Even though the relationship ended badly-the middle & the beginning, I'll always look upon fondly. I learned so much in that time. About the lifestyle, about the rules, about the etiquette, about myself. Being a part of Lou's family gave me experiences I would've never known & introduced me to people-good & bad-that I will never forget. You see, technically, if it weren't for Lou...I never would've met Kat. Now, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing-I've not decided yet but...they are definitely connected. Then there were the others, too, that I've met along the way, Dommes & subs alike. Miss Dini, brat, Tam, onyx, Tal, bitsy, Alexi, Oh Oh, & my very own Cookie has embraced it! :D I feel privileged to know or have known these people. Each one added something unique to my existence. To tell you that the time spent in SL with all of these friends was the 1st time in my life that I felt like I *belonged* somewhere or that I was a significant part of something would be admitting to you one of my secrets. To look at it objectively, that really is kind of sad that it took 33 years & a virtual game to let me feel that but it's the truth. I'll admit something else, too. Since I've been out of it, I feel lost again. Alone. I've lost almost everyone I knew in the lifestyle in the past 2 years. I long to have that feeling back but there's been so much...damage...lately. I don't know how to heal it yet. And not having that support group around me either makes it tougher.
All of the research in the world doesn't warn you or teach you how to survive this D/s relationship when it goes bad. None of it tells you how to submit without losing yourself. The problem with life is that you can't go back. You can't not know the things you've learned the hard way. But then...would you really want to NOT have experienced it? After everything I've been through, I still can't answer that. I've been completely destroyed but I'm starting to crave that feeling again. Does that mean I'm healing & I want to chance it again with someone new? I'm not sure....
Poly is as Poly does...
Polyamory. Do you know what it is? I *thought* I knew but now I'm not so sure.
Polyamorous, simply stated, means "to love more than one". But there is NOTHING simple about the poly lifestyle! Oh, hell no! And, no, it's not synonymous with polygamy.
I'd never heard of polyamory until July '07, when I met Kat. Subsequently, I began to meet others who adopted the lifestyle, as well. But my main knowledge came from her. Her thoughts & beliefs. What they were looking for. Their experiences. Etc, etc, etc. Later on though, I started researching it myself to learn all I could about it. When times got rough for us, she was quick to tell me that I wasn't cut out for this. I wasn't poly so I wouldn't understand or agree with different things. I kept trying to explain that I'd never even known it was something that existed so how could I profess, with any certainty, if it was for me or not?! I would have to learn about it, attempt it, experience it before I could even begin to make that decision. All I could feasibly do was be open to the opportunity. She never accepted that answer, I don't think.
The #1 most important aspect of polyamory is communication. Communication is essential & without it, the relationships will *never* work. Communication must be totally open & honest with ALL parties involved.
I always understood my place with her. I understood I was her secondary. I understood that i was also Her pet. I understood where in the food chain that placed me. But because I felt that I deserved more & better treatment than I was getting, she blamed me for asking for too much & not being poly & not "getting it" & that it just wasn't gonna work. Period.
What I finally "got" was that they BOTH stopped communicating with me. I was completely shut out-from both of them. The cardinal sin of poly! I wonder now...all of the trials & tribulations they had in the past trying to have poly relationships...I think it was THEM who had no clue how to do this & wasn't the fault of everyone else they tried to be with like she tried to explain to me....
It was them. It wasn't me. Wasn't my fault. So why do I feel guilty?
Polyamorous, simply stated, means "to love more than one". But there is NOTHING simple about the poly lifestyle! Oh, hell no! And, no, it's not synonymous with polygamy.
I'd never heard of polyamory until July '07, when I met Kat. Subsequently, I began to meet others who adopted the lifestyle, as well. But my main knowledge came from her. Her thoughts & beliefs. What they were looking for. Their experiences. Etc, etc, etc. Later on though, I started researching it myself to learn all I could about it. When times got rough for us, she was quick to tell me that I wasn't cut out for this. I wasn't poly so I wouldn't understand or agree with different things. I kept trying to explain that I'd never even known it was something that existed so how could I profess, with any certainty, if it was for me or not?! I would have to learn about it, attempt it, experience it before I could even begin to make that decision. All I could feasibly do was be open to the opportunity. She never accepted that answer, I don't think.
The #1 most important aspect of polyamory is communication. Communication is essential & without it, the relationships will *never* work. Communication must be totally open & honest with ALL parties involved.
I always understood my place with her. I understood I was her secondary. I understood that i was also Her pet. I understood where in the food chain that placed me. But because I felt that I deserved more & better treatment than I was getting, she blamed me for asking for too much & not being poly & not "getting it" & that it just wasn't gonna work. Period.
What I finally "got" was that they BOTH stopped communicating with me. I was completely shut out-from both of them. The cardinal sin of poly! I wonder now...all of the trials & tribulations they had in the past trying to have poly relationships...I think it was THEM who had no clue how to do this & wasn't the fault of everyone else they tried to be with like she tried to explain to me....
It was them. It wasn't me. Wasn't my fault. So why do I feel guilty?
Monday, March 2, 2009
Gay Rights?
I've never been politically correct. Nor have I been one to go with the popular choice, just because. But, on the flipside, I don't shout my beliefs on every street corner either. Why should gay rights issues be any different?!
I was born & raised in the South, surrounded by racism of all kinds both from strangers AND family. From 1st grade on, and before I even knew that I was taking a stand for a belief, all I really knew was that I'd get upset when someone spoke badly about people or told me I couldn't be friends with someone due to the color of their skin! Absurd!!! In fact, my earliest memories of my 1st buddies in elementary school...all little black kids! 5th grade, I fought horribly with Daddy about being able to talk to Cicely on the phone! I was never a popular kid. I felt that early on. I was different. I was picked on. I wasn't perfect. Maybe that's why I felt more at ease with others who were picked on?
When I was 12, I figured out that I was pro-choice. I went through the typical brainwashing of viewing the gross & disturbing videos of abortions & fetuses. But, still, I believe in the choice but not to be used as birth control.
In junior high, there was this kid...they called him Jerry the Fairy. *sighs* Yeah, he was obvious. So that gave everyone the right to torture him?! No, I never stood up for him. I regret that. I always watched him & felt sorry for him though. I couldn't stand up to those kids. I'm not strong enough for that.
Not long after graduation, my best black girlfriend had a baby girl with a white guy. I had that baby with me almost 24/7 for the 1st 4 years of her life. When I took this beautiful little innocent baby into Wal-Mart or Smitty's...I could physically *feel* the stares & whispers directed towards me. It was all I could do not to react to those ignorant, red neck, backwards morons.
So how do I view gay rights? I agree in the ability to marry whomever you fall in love with, regardless of sex. I believe those spouses are entitled to the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts in regards to children, homes, insurance, etc. Does any of it apply to me? No. I'll never get married & I'll never have children or be in that situation with a partner. But I still believe in those basic human rights for those who can benefit from them. I believe in the right to love whoever you want & be loved in return. I believe in the right to be happy, secure & safe. Again, whether it directly applies to me or not...I still believe in that right for those who can benefit from it....
I was born & raised in the South, surrounded by racism of all kinds both from strangers AND family. From 1st grade on, and before I even knew that I was taking a stand for a belief, all I really knew was that I'd get upset when someone spoke badly about people or told me I couldn't be friends with someone due to the color of their skin! Absurd!!! In fact, my earliest memories of my 1st buddies in elementary school...all little black kids! 5th grade, I fought horribly with Daddy about being able to talk to Cicely on the phone! I was never a popular kid. I felt that early on. I was different. I was picked on. I wasn't perfect. Maybe that's why I felt more at ease with others who were picked on?
When I was 12, I figured out that I was pro-choice. I went through the typical brainwashing of viewing the gross & disturbing videos of abortions & fetuses. But, still, I believe in the choice but not to be used as birth control.
In junior high, there was this kid...they called him Jerry the Fairy. *sighs* Yeah, he was obvious. So that gave everyone the right to torture him?! No, I never stood up for him. I regret that. I always watched him & felt sorry for him though. I couldn't stand up to those kids. I'm not strong enough for that.
Not long after graduation, my best black girlfriend had a baby girl with a white guy. I had that baby with me almost 24/7 for the 1st 4 years of her life. When I took this beautiful little innocent baby into Wal-Mart or Smitty's...I could physically *feel* the stares & whispers directed towards me. It was all I could do not to react to those ignorant, red neck, backwards morons.
So how do I view gay rights? I agree in the ability to marry whomever you fall in love with, regardless of sex. I believe those spouses are entitled to the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts in regards to children, homes, insurance, etc. Does any of it apply to me? No. I'll never get married & I'll never have children or be in that situation with a partner. But I still believe in those basic human rights for those who can benefit from them. I believe in the right to love whoever you want & be loved in return. I believe in the right to be happy, secure & safe. Again, whether it directly applies to me or not...I still believe in that right for those who can benefit from it....
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Hot & Cold...
I have never been a fan of cold weather, nevermind snow & ice. Born & raised in the South, I was lucky because snow was a rare occurance. Got ice most winters but usually didn't cause too much hassle. The only time I had to deal with the cold really was when I smoked & had to go outside to smoke. :-) When I lived in South Florida for 8 years, that was the main attraction for me-the warmth. I can't really say "the weather" because the hurricanes made me nuts & was the reason I chose to move away. lol But the lack of having any kind of a winter was great! It got down in the 40s or 50s maybe a combined total of a week or so for the entire year! I could handle that with ease. The only downside to it, & it really wasn't that big of a deal to me...it never got cold & gray & therefore, December never really *felt* like xmas. But considering I've not really celebrated xmas since I was a kid, not that big of a deal. *shrugs* Last summer, in Oklahoma, was unbearably hot! Yuck! The a/c wasn't working so that compounded the issue...lol...but it was definitely the other end of the weather spectrum that I don't enjoy either. It was starting to get cold when I left there. However, I went from just cold straight into the hell of SNOW! Ack!! When it was all said & done, I think they said something like all of the counties in the state of Washington, except for maybe 3, had broken their snowfall records! Holy crap!! I remember the 1st few moments after it began to snow. I felt...seriously...I felt like I was going to panic! I was *afraid* of the snow. :/ Watching the girls get excited about it & the sheer joy that it was producing in that car, in the middle of the night, in a strange new world, on the cusp of...something...breathtaking. I remember those moments as if they happened yesterday. I physically felt my dislike of the snow fade away. Then in the days that followed that 1st snowfall, came more. And the time spent taking the dog out or walking around in it with her, taking photos...finally seeing it for the beauty of it...testing the boundaries of the Outback's control & listening to her giggle, just being surrounded by this "magic" of the future & the time being spent together. *sighs longingly* A couple of weeks, technically, just a few hours of time managed to completely change my outlook & dislike. The week before xmas, being snowed in & alone...managed to change my thoughts back to negatives. Leaving there & going elsewhere where, again, I was surrounded in huge, massive banks of snow & ice. Walking the streets in the middle of the night with new friends (totally AMAZING people!) & feeling *happy* again or rather an attempt at happy...made the magic of the snow work it's wonders again a little bit.
I'm far, far away from all of that now &...mostly grateful about that. I mean, I was literally buried in snow from mid-December til February 2! I'm liking not being bundled up & frozen & everything is white. But...you want to hear the crazy part? I miss it. I miss it! Or...maybe...I dunno...*shrugs*...maybe I mourn the loss of it or...just miss the magic that it had created in those 1st few moments? I'm not sure. I miss some *PART* of it that I can't put my finger on. :-(
I'm far, far away from all of that now &...mostly grateful about that. I mean, I was literally buried in snow from mid-December til February 2! I'm liking not being bundled up & frozen & everything is white. But...you want to hear the crazy part? I miss it. I miss it! Or...maybe...I dunno...*shrugs*...maybe I mourn the loss of it or...just miss the magic that it had created in those 1st few moments? I'm not sure. I miss some *PART* of it that I can't put my finger on. :-(
A Novel Inspiration...
I've been writing since I was a kid. My biggest dream was to be one of those secluded, hermit-like writers, huddled away from the real world, wrapped up in their own thoughts.
From ages 12-14, I wrote & wrote on this particular story. Summers, I'd write day & night. I'd go 1-2 days with no sleep. Wrote poetry off & on for as long as I can remember. When I obsessed over "The X-Files", I wrote fanfic. I wrote a few stories after I met Cera & moved from WPB. I wrote a ton of stories in the past year & a half. But I've been itching for about a year now to do something big. Something real. Something with potential. Something that I'd actually consider submitting for publishing....
I've run up on the idea purely by accident. I can sit for hours & watch crime dramas, forensic shows, etc. It was one of these shows that gave me the idea. I won't give away all the secrets but the actual crime story that sparked my imagination was about a polygamist couple that introduced a 3rd woman into their family. Obviously, there was a murder involved. *winks* I don't have access to a word processing program right now but I've been handwriting ideas down until I can get access to my Word program again. I think if I can evolve this idea well enough...I might have a real shot at something here....
From ages 12-14, I wrote & wrote on this particular story. Summers, I'd write day & night. I'd go 1-2 days with no sleep. Wrote poetry off & on for as long as I can remember. When I obsessed over "The X-Files", I wrote fanfic. I wrote a few stories after I met Cera & moved from WPB. I wrote a ton of stories in the past year & a half. But I've been itching for about a year now to do something big. Something real. Something with potential. Something that I'd actually consider submitting for publishing....
I've run up on the idea purely by accident. I can sit for hours & watch crime dramas, forensic shows, etc. It was one of these shows that gave me the idea. I won't give away all the secrets but the actual crime story that sparked my imagination was about a polygamist couple that introduced a 3rd woman into their family. Obviously, there was a murder involved. *winks* I don't have access to a word processing program right now but I've been handwriting ideas down until I can get access to my Word program again. I think if I can evolve this idea well enough...I might have a real shot at something here....
Bite Me!
Anyone that knows me even slightly, knows my favorite & most used saying is "bite me". My closest friends know that it's a reference (for me) to vampires.
I can't really put my finger on when my bloodlust began. I remember seeing the old Dracula movies (plus all the other B vamp movies) when I was little. Wasn't impressed at all with the movies but the concept...oooooohhhhh!! *shivers & giggles* I watched every vamp movie I could find. Couldn't satiate my longing for the eroticism I knew this encompassed though. That's when I started reading vamp books & thus, the love affair began.
For years, my "bite me" invitation was my own private little thrill. Until I discovered the world of SecondLife.com. See, SL is all about roleplay & fantasy. In SL, I could be anything I wanted. I could be a vampire! :D But I preferred being a feeder doll instead. I mean, it's "bite me" that gets me hot-not "Let me bite you!" *grins*
The whole vamp, biting & feeding fetish led to...other things...& placed itself securely in a whole other realm. A deep & long time love of vampires & the erotica they exude has recently been...burned. I can't think of it without thinking of something else, too, now. I still catch my breath when experiencing something vamp related but the bloodlust is over now, I fear. It's too painful to desire it anymore. :/
I can't really put my finger on when my bloodlust began. I remember seeing the old Dracula movies (plus all the other B vamp movies) when I was little. Wasn't impressed at all with the movies but the concept...oooooohhhhh!! *shivers & giggles* I watched every vamp movie I could find. Couldn't satiate my longing for the eroticism I knew this encompassed though. That's when I started reading vamp books & thus, the love affair began.
For years, my "bite me" invitation was my own private little thrill. Until I discovered the world of SecondLife.com. See, SL is all about roleplay & fantasy. In SL, I could be anything I wanted. I could be a vampire! :D But I preferred being a feeder doll instead. I mean, it's "bite me" that gets me hot-not "Let me bite you!" *grins*
The whole vamp, biting & feeding fetish led to...other things...& placed itself securely in a whole other realm. A deep & long time love of vampires & the erotica they exude has recently been...burned. I can't think of it without thinking of something else, too, now. I still catch my breath when experiencing something vamp related but the bloodlust is over now, I fear. It's too painful to desire it anymore. :/
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