Just Smile & Say, "Yes, Mistress!"

D/s. Domination & submission. An aspect of the BDSM lifestyle. I guess, typically, when people hear the term "BDSM" they either a) have no clue what it is or b) have visions of severe torture & kinky sex. Ok, I admit it, when I hear "BDSM", I instinctively think of the torture extreme, too, 1st. However, I realize there's more to it than that.

My journey into this world began in April, 2006. I went to work at an adult alternative clothing & toy store as an administrative assistant. I could go into great detail about the day I walked in for my interview-lol-O...M...G...! I think, working there, was the best few months of my life & certainly opened the doors for where I am now. I worked with the idea of these products without really knowing what they were. When I'd walk through the retail store, it was like I had invisible blinders on-I never *saw* anything. Going into the stockroom to weigh envelopes for mailing was the same thing. All of these nipple clamps & butt plugs & things everywhere but they were nothing more than foreign metal objects to me. My bosses-a husband & wife team-referred to themselves as a Master & a Dominatrix. Ok, sure. Whatever that means! lol! My co-workers...all of which were a little on the "odd" side, all of them were goth but every one of them were like pieces of gold! I like odd! ;-) It wasn't until one co-worker whom I'd gotten particularly close to, invited me to a club to watch her do a Female Domination performance that all of the bells & whistles started going off! *grins* The hot wax was...intriguing. The flogger was...heh...well, crap...is it getting hot in here or what?! *grins* But I don't think I will EVER forget how my body reacted when I realized that the violet wand that Cera was using on Des was *shocking* her! OMFG!!! Heh. *blushes* Thus, the freak in me was born. Thanks, Cera! Holy crap. *giggles*

About 6 months later, I discovered SecondLife.com. It would take another couple of months before I'd discover the BDSM scene in there but I got introduced to it by this guy I was seeing. He wanted to collar me & though I wasn't all that sure about what that meant, I agreed to it. When Scot had my AV strip & get into Nadu (a Gorean sexually submissive kneeling position) so he could put the collar on...the intense feeling that washed over me was akin to what I'd felt at Cera & Des' performance. It was in that moment that I realized I was hitting on something inside of me that was extremely intense. Scot didn't last long after that but I had the hunger now so I went in search of knowledge on the subject. Started researching on the internet & searching for BDSM sims in SL. Before I'd really *experienced* anything, I'd already decided that Gor was too barbaric for me, though, some of the etiquette customs I can relate to. My next experience, however, came as an accident. I happened into this club, was greeted by 2 women, started to chat, instantly connected with them & it took me a couple of hours to realize that Polly was calling Louise "Mistress" & being very subservient to her. I was intrigued! I started asking questions & soon Louise & I were discussing me submitting to Her. I wasn't sure about this because from what I'd read online, this was a huge thing to do! She was, after all, serious about this. Completely unlike Scot who had wanted to collar just for the "look". Not only would I be submitting to Lou but I'd be her slave. And I'd be her 3rd one, at that. Against the advice of a good friend, I ended up submitting. Even though the relationship ended badly-the middle & the beginning, I'll always look upon fondly. I learned so much in that time. About the lifestyle, about the rules, about the etiquette, about myself. Being a part of Lou's family gave me experiences I would've never known & introduced me to people-good & bad-that I will never forget. You see, technically, if it weren't for Lou...I never would've met Kat. Now, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing-I've not decided yet but...they are definitely connected. Then there were the others, too, that I've met along the way, Dommes & subs alike. Miss Dini, brat, Tam, onyx, Tal, bitsy, Alexi, Oh Oh, & my very own Cookie has embraced it! :D I feel privileged to know or have known these people. Each one added something unique to my existence. To tell you that the time spent in SL with all of these friends was the 1st time in my life that I felt like I *belonged* somewhere or that I was a significant part of something would be admitting to you one of my secrets. To look at it objectively, that really is kind of sad that it took 33 years & a virtual game to let me feel that but it's the truth. I'll admit something else, too. Since I've been out of it, I feel lost again. Alone. I've lost almost everyone I knew in the lifestyle in the past 2 years. I long to have that feeling back but there's been so much...damage...lately. I don't know how to heal it yet. And not having that support group around me either makes it tougher.

All of the research in the world doesn't warn you or teach you how to survive this D/s relationship when it goes bad. None of it tells you how to submit without losing yourself. The problem with life is that you can't go back. You can't not know the things you've learned the hard way. But then...would you really want to NOT have experienced it? After everything I've been through, I still can't answer that. I've been completely destroyed but I'm starting to crave that feeling again. Does that mean I'm healing & I want to chance it again with someone new? I'm not sure....