Saturday, April 30, 2011

Birthday Blues...

A funny thing just occurred to me...

In the 4 years that I knew Sara, she never ONCE wished me a Happy Birthday on my birthday!!!  Just goes to show what kind of a person she is.  But...I always swallowed her BS...hook, line & sinker...when she'd use her standby excuse that she "forgot".  It didn't matter the excuse.  Every year, I'd be utterly DEVASTATED...that she'd forgotten...or whatever.  I even CALLED her fucken ass on her birthday this year...EVEN THOUGH she was pissed off at me at the time!!  Seriously?!  Yeah...the 1st 2 years, I avoided my birthday at all costs...cuz if she, of ALL people, couldn't portray the sentiment...then I didn't even WANT it from anyone else!  So here's what just occurred to me...THIS YEAR...(tomorrow  lol) I don't have a need to avoid my birthday cuz I won't be expecting her to give a fuck!  It's funny that the day she banished me...was the day I started acknowledging my birthday was even approaching...  o.0  Tomorrow will be the 1st time in 4 years that my birthday doesn't SUCK ASS...cuz of her!  It's kinda refreshing.  ;-)

Now I'm off to a party at Manda's...so I don't have time to recount the day...but I will later.  ;-)

Change...

CHANGE is inevitable!!  Our lives change on a daily basis & we barely even notice it.  When the BIG changes happen...we absolutely notice...but what matters is...how we deal with those changes!  I remember vividly all of the major shifts in my life.  And I can't say that I dealt with ANY one of them very well.  Except maybe my work situation...with Manda leaving...Kelli dropping to one day a week...me becoming Manager.  That one flowed pretty well actually.  Maybe it was a Sign...?!  That I've finally grown up & have had enough experience & know myself well enough now...to instinctively know how to let "things happen".  I'm not saying ALL of my bad habits have disappeared.  They haven't...though I wish they had!  lol  This latest Big Shift...has me thinking.  And what's most important about that is the feelings that go along with the thinking.  The 1st time Sara obliterated me with her Assuming, I didn't function...I wasn't human...for well over a year!  She's now banished me a 2nd time in the exact same format...but...I'm dealing with it differently this time.  I'm still ME.  I'm still ok.  I'm still functioning.  I'm still human.  Being wrongly accused of something goes all over me...almost as bad as being ignored does.  It literally makes me insane!  And this all stems from the situation I endured with Nancy, being railroaded, put in jail for 3 days, losing my ENTIRE previous existence...my memories, stuff that belonged to my Daddy, items I'd collected throughout my life that can't be replaced.  I had absolutely NO way of proving myself!!  I just had to sit through it & wait for time to pass on by.

At this point...I'm still a little sad.  But I don't hate her.  I just am disappointed that she turned out to be EVERYTHING that she swore she wasn't...*shrugs*...meh.  And NOTHING that she swore she was.  *sighs*  Worst part is...she'll never ever realize that...

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Eating Me ALIVE!!!

I can't sleep.  *sighs*  This thing with Sara is just eating me alive!!  She has me blocked on absolutely EVERY avenue of contact that I have for her!!  Being wrongly accused of something & UNABLE to prove myself...is making me CRAZY!  :-(  It's only going to get worse before it gets better...*sighs*

House Stuff Shopping!

Not much to tell about today...lol.  I wasn't up long before I went to meet Mom at the new house & we then spent the rest of the freaking day shopping for house stuff!!  LOL  I DESPISE shopping!!  I was hurting sooo bad by the time I got home at 7 pm!  BUT...I got a crapton of really SUPER CUTE stuff!  ;-)  All decor type stuff...nothing big that I need like...kitchen table...lol.  We're still working on it though.  ;-)

Day of Therapy!

I emailed Sara a couple of times last night.  Last ditch effort to actually get her to HEAR me.  No response.  Not surprised.  She'll never admit she was wrong.  She'll never admit she made a mistake.  She'll never admit that she never actually knew ME.  I can't explain why she created this ideal in her head of who I was.  The fact that I can't PROVE to her that I'm not what she thinks...is what bothers me the most.  So...I cry over it...for the last time...right now.  I did everything I could possibly do to get her to see me for ME...for who I really am instead of what she has in her head.  But it's true...you can't really change someone else's ideas.  They have to do it.  And she'll never do that.  That's not my failure...it's her's.  I honestly never intended or meant all of the horrible, nasty things she said by what I ever said to her.  And I tried one last time to get her to see that.  It was the last thing I could do.  It didn't work.  And I move on.  4 years of trying to get her to just HEAR me.  For absolutely NOTHING...except drama & heartache.  Such a complete WASTE of time!  *sighs*  She said to me the other day...the last thing that she said to me... "Have a great life being miserable, and I hope being passive aggressive works out for you."  I admit to being passive aggressive sometimes.  It's not cuz I'm manipulative.  It's cuz I hate drama & confrontation.  It's cuz I have something to SAY but, unless I'm pushed over the edge, I won't just demand it.  And she's right...I've been miserable the majority of my life.  Up until about 2 1/2 years ago.  When she did what she did to me, she forced me to restart my entire life.  And that's probably the BEST thing I have EVER done!!  In the last 2 years, my life has truly come together for the very 1st time ever.  I have a mostly decent relationship with my mom, I have a job that I love (even on the days it stresses me out!!), I have my OWN space (& soon to be an even BETTER space!!), I have a group of the most AWESOME friends on the planet (Tanya, Lee, Judy, Kelli, Stacy, Manda & yes, even Cindy sometimes), my 2 furballs (Sebastian & Sheba) who I just adore, my own car (even though it's not what I want/like, I don't rely on ANYBODY to get me where I need to go), I take care of ME (with a little help from my mom & friends occasionally)...I am in the BEST PLACE of my entire life & I have been for quite a while now!  I am NOT miserable!  The only time I'd GET miserable was when Sara was being obstinate & sarcastic & would absolutely refuse ANYTHING from me.  You know what?  I was an idiot.  She was my ONE bad apple in life.  All she had to do was just LISTEN...even just a tiny bit!!  I hope she stays gone cuz I don't need that kind of toxin in my life anymore.  If she could buck up & learn how to listen for once...I'd be there for her in a heartbeat!  After all, no matter what, I still love her.  The HER I always thought she was, somewhere deep, down inside.  If she could let that person out again...it'd all be gravy.  But she won't & I know that now.  I can't say that I won't still miss her or ache to have her in my life.  Because I'm 100% sure that I will.  But I'm better off without her as long as she remains the person that she's been since December...

Anyway...*sighs*...enough tears already!!  It is what it is.

I woke up at 7:45 this morning.  lol  After not falling asleep til about 4 am.  ;-p  I played on FB & washed dishes.  Then my happy butt got ready & went to the beach for some THERAPY!!  :D  I tried to go to the spot Manda always goes to.  Ended up getting lost...lol!!  Got my GPS out & it got me to my "regular" spot!  ;-)  I stayed out there a couple of hours.  It was really nice.  Was kinda misty/foggy...odd looking anyway...but the breeze was heavy & it was warm.  The water is still a bit too chilly to play in much.   But I talked to Angel while I was out there (people kept giving me funny looks for being on the phone while sitting on the beach...hehehe) & then I talked to Lee while on the drive home.  :D  I got a little bit of a sunburn...1st for the year!  lol  Not bad though...just in spots (that's always so bizarre to me!  *snorts*)  Got home, ate a bit & then took a 3 hour nap!  HAHA  Woke up at 9:30 pm & watched a movie.  I might watch another one here in a minute.  Dunno yet.  I'm still feeling sleepy...like I could just go back to sleep.

Tomorrow's agenda is cleaning & packing...since I goofed off all day today!  *grins*

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

What a FUCKEN DAY!!!!!!!

OMG.  I've NEVER been so happy to walk into my sauna apt in all my life!!  :-(

Still had no response from Sara as of this morning.  I KNEW she was pissed & ignoring me to punish me.  I was completely aware of it.  However, I also KNEW that she really had no right to be pissed at me for being incredulous about the stupid blog.  I was SHOCKED & CONCERNED.  I meant nothing harmful by it.  I just meant...*sighs*...she was setting herself up for failure by making THAT our means to communicate.  FML.  Now...if she'd gone ahead & created the blog & started an entry...& let us go back & forth a few times...I would've relaxed!!!  Set a precedent!  ALLOW it to actually WORK!!  But no.  She got all pissed cuz I was "insulting" her.  GEEZUS!  So I sent her a text this morning to tell Ben "Happy Birthday".  Even though I've not spoken to him in 6 months...I still think about him!!  It wasn't long til she laid into me & the whole thing spiraled way outta control within SECONDS!!!!  I've texted several times since then (cuz fuck me...that's just what I DO!!  I keep trying to explain myself in a way that I'll be understood!)  *sighs*  No response.  This may FINALLY be it.  I told her "fuck you"...several times.  I'm not proud of it.  But I no longer let people cut me & walk away without me biting back.  I just don't.  I've gotten cut WAY too many times!  Sick to death of bleeding!!  Anyway...I said all I could possibly say.  She has to be the one that actually puts aside her "ideas" of what I mean...& actually LISTEN to what I'm saying.  Whatever...

Then work was a complete BITCH after that!!  Cindy didn't come in til after 11.  She went & adopted a 5 yr old dog this morning & brought him in with her.  The order arrived soon after that.  Took me a while to even get back there to it cuz I was waiting on customers while she was playing with the dog.  Seriously?!  It was a MASSIVE order!!  I ended up with 5 flats.  A "typical" order is 1 MAYBE 2 flats!!  o.0  So I finally tote it all up front so I can finish processing it.  Yeah, well, couldn't do that cuz I was waiting on customers!!  OMG!!!!!!  While she was eating lunch, playing with the dog, checking her email, taking the dog out, roaming around in circles, processing books & ignoring customers.  I was ready to kill her.  I didn't NEED this after the drama with Sara this morning!!  My nerves were already severely RAW!!  Grr!!  So...instead of leaving at 4:30, I left at 5:15.  Ack.

When I finally left, I met Manda at Friendly's.  She was dropping Dylan off for work.  Gave her the books that'd come in for her.  We talked  for a bit.

Then came home finally.  I've not really done much except a couple of emails, FB, here...& more thinking.  *sighs*  UGH!!

I think it's time for a shower, dinner & a movie.  I'm off tomorrow & Thursday so I'm HEAVILY considering going to the beach tomorrow!!  I need THERAPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Packing & cleaning can wait til Thursday...*sighs*

Monday, April 25, 2011

A New Week...

So Sara sent her "list" in text late last night.  I'm not sure what to do with it or how to proceed.  And I texted that back to her.  No response.  *sighs*  I guess...eventually...something will come of it.  No idea...

Didn't fall asleep til after 2 am AGAIN.  I'm done.  Back to the sleeping pills I go.  Sheesh...

I worked on Anthology a big part of the day today.  What's slowing me down is as I'm going through it, I'm also trying to LEARN it...so that I can teach the others how to use it.  lol  *shrugs*  Cindy wants me concentrating on that...as much as possible...from now on.  We'll see how well that goes!  ;-p

Book Club Karen called me at work today.  Asked if I'd heard about Diane.  Told her all I knew was that Manda said Sharon called her Sat to tell her Diane was in Halifax but the call got dropped before she could get any details.  Well...she had another infection so they admitted her & put in a new catheter.  However, upon running some tests...they discovered that the Cancer has now spread to her lymph nodes & lungs!!!  They're basically going to keep her "comfortable" at this point.  *sighs & cries*  I imagine she won't be here much longer.  Gawd...*cries*

Left work at 3:30.  Ended up going over to the new house.  The entire inside is a complete wreck!  LMAO!!  They JUST started laying tile TODAY!  Ack!!  Sooo...they're pretty sure they won't be done by Sat for me to move in.  :/  Next weekend maybe.  *sighs*  But I DO love the tile!!  :D  And...it gives me some extra time to get packed up, etc.  Instead of me killing myself to finish it this week!  ;-)

When I left the house, I went back to the store.  I'd forgotten to write up my list of On Sale books for tomorrow before I'd left earlier.  And I told Cindy about the move being delayed so I wouldn't need to leave early the rest of the week or take Sat off.  She's relieved about Sat...cuz Claire is ZERO help!  *snorts*

A little bit after I'd gotten back home, Cindy called.  Told me to go ahead & leave early whenever possible, this week & next.  That way I get a little bit of down time...cuz I haven't had any in over a week.  Then she suggested I take Wed off.  I'm already scheduled for Thur off so that gives me a break as well.  ;-)  I didn't really argue...LMAO!  I'm so dead & so sore...completely running on fumes at this point.

Had dinner, started a movie.  Waiting for it to get dark so I can put the trash out for tomorrow.  Then shower! Then hopefully SLEEP!  For the 1st time...in...SHIT...I dunno how long!!  ;-p

Sunday, April 24, 2011

1/4 Packed!

Early yesterday afternoon, Sara texted that she was working on her "list" of things for us to discuss.  I've got one, too.  I took that to mean we would FINALLY get down to business.  It's been 5 days now (as of last night)...since this whole thing was agreed upon, after all.  *sighs*  About 12:45 am...I found out that...NO...she wasn't planning on discussing it last night actually!  But she was "planning" on creating a blog or new email address (??) in order for us to conduct this thing in.  Umm...WTF?!  Let's see...she rarely responds to email cuz she doesn't check it that often, she totally abandoned MySpace cuz it was basically just between us & she couldn't be "normal" or have other friends on there (cuz they don't know about the REAL her), she started a blog a couple of years ago that she posted in ONCE, she doesn't do anything on FB, I constantly get berated for MY blog cuz she gets pissed about other people being able to see "our dirty laundry", she started ANOTHER blog a few months ago that she consequently posted in like 3 times & did away with it...getting her to RESPOND to texts (which is constantly at her fingertips) is like pulling teeth!!  So I was a bit incredulous...DUH?!  I voiced that.  She got pissed at me for not having any faith in her!!  ARE YOU FUCKEN KIDDING ME?!?!  *sighs heavily*  And, of course, there's been no contact at all today.  Whatever.  Over it.  She's gonna do whatever she's gonna do.  Period.  Or not do.  Whatever.  There's no point in the struggle of attempting to do this anyway since we aren't a couple.  I've now had 6 days of being her "fake friend" & being able to ponder the situation.  "Fake friend" = generally single...MAYBE 2 daily texts of just BS chatter all while we have this massive white elephant in the room that we absolutely CANNOT talk about or get rid of!!  FML.  This was HER IDEA & she's STILL not gonna address it??  Wow...*sighs*  I fucken give up...

Got up around 9:30...after not falling asleep til sometime after 5 am.  *SIGHS*  After FB, I cleaned kitty litter & started the 1st of 3 loads of laundry (sheets, towels & blankets).  I then started at the opposite end of the apartment & started packing up all of the stuff I don't use on a near daily basis.  I've gotten halfway through the apartment at this point.  It's starting to look a little "barren"...lol.  I also signed up for internet to be installed at the new house...but they haven't called me to confirm yet.  I did my Change of Address online.  Then I cleaned out my car (had quite a bit of trash in it--which is UNUSUAL--& was making me nuts!!)...& brought the stacks of boxes inside.  I had boxes filling the entire back seat plus the passenger seat...LOL!!  Hope that's enough boxes!  ;-p  And I FINALLY put the hubcap back on from when I had that flat tire...oh, I dunno...MONTHS ago?!  haha  Bastian came out from under the bed finally around 4 pm.  He's investigating everything.  And he promptly starting pulling toys out of his "packed" box.  lol  Then he played Chicken with the mop & broom!  He acts as if they're Monsters that are gonna eat him up!  ROFL!!  Too funny to watch!  ;-p

It's now 5 pm & I'm still freaking exhausted considering I STILL haven't been able to rest & recover from my 9 days straight of work!  :-(  I'm done for today.  I need at least a little down time!  :/  Gonna make some dinner, watch some Weeds, shower & hopefully try to sleep tonight finally.  *sighs*  Wish me luck!  LOL

I'm going to ask Cindy tomorrow if I can open Tue, Wed & Fri & possibly leave as early as possible so that I can continue to pack, etc.  I'm gonna be over my 160 hours for the month regardless!  Argh...

Saturday, April 23, 2011

It's OVER!!!

Again...didn't fall asleep til after 2 am.  Ugh.  Up & at em & at work by 8:30.  I was a complete zombie ALL day!!  lol  Me & Kelli handled it though.  AND...we had a really BUSY day...sales figures proved that!  lol  Geezus...I feel every single customer all over my body!  ;-p  As for leaving early...well, that didn't happen!  *snorts*  In fact, I left 15 minutes late!  haha  Oh, well...it was busy...even as a "normal" employee, I'd never leave anyone alone when it was crazy like that.  *shrugs*

But I've realized...unless I DRASTICALLY change things...I will NEVER top out my work month at only 160 hours!  :-(  I'm at 149 hours NOW...& STILL have Mon-Wed + Fri to go yet!  *sighs*  And if I ask to go back to hourly, my pay rate will drop.  It won't be worth being "Manager".  Not sure what to do about that at all.  Ugh.

I had PLANNED on coming home & getting busy with cleaning/packing today.  That didn't happen, of course.  I'm too freaking exhausted!!  In fact, I tried for an hour to take a nap but couldn't fall asleep.  *sighs*  Got up & started a load of laundry.  Then had dinner & watching some True Blood (Season 2) while I wait on laundry.  I think I'll just wait...on the rest...for tomorrow.  Besides, it's dark now & I don't have very much light in here as it is so I can't really see what I'm doing.  And I'm freaking tired!!  9 days straight, YO!!  Zombie personified!  *laughs*

Got a voicemail from Cindy this morning.  She'll be at work Mon morning.  Mike had gone & planned "guy stuff" to be doing.  :/  He sucks sometimes!!  *sighs*  She was sooo excited about this weekend.  :/

Mom doesn't think the house is gonna be completely ready for me next weekend.  o.0  I'll only have my bedroom & bathroom complete.  Can't fully "move in" til they finish painting & laying tile.  Yikes.  lol  Oh, well.  At least I'll have light & a/c!  ;-p  The kids will be getting into everything, too.  I assume that'll mean the kitchen won't be fully operational either.  Ack.  Oh, well...

Friday, April 22, 2011

One Day Closer!!

It was after 2 am before I fell asleep!  UGH!!  :/  I'm up to 4 mg of Melatonin now so I was super groggy BUT...I had restless legs & it felt like my skin was crawling.  I was aching EVERYWHERE!  I couldn't get freaking STILL long enough to actually doze off!  :-(  I'm just exhausted & worn out from this week.  I also found out...lol...that even though my phone is on Silent...ringtones STILL play!  Ack.  o.0  If I had TIME to research, I'd see if I could fix it...but who has time?!  :-p

Up at 7.  At work by 8:15.  Cindy came in with a box of books.  Mike had won 2 storage unit auctions & they're cleaning those out today & tomorrow.  In other words, they're only going to be in Flagler overnight Sat/Sun.  She's pissed & super bummed.  The calendar has her off (?) on Mon so I told her to just go ahead & TAKE it...so they stay in Flagler Sun night, too.  We'll see if she listens...lol.

I pretty much started running as soon as I opened the doors & didn't stop once.  It was super crazy today!  Kelli came in just after noon...just a few minutes after our order had arrived.  Once she got settled, I went & checked in the order.  OMFG!!!  On Fridays, we get 2 orders.  Tue (from our small warehouse in IN) is usually pretty small.  Wed (from our main warehouse in TN) is usually quite large.  Typically, that means Friday is a bitch.  lol  And THAT'S when everything is done properly!!  But...ohh, no!!  I couldn't have it THAT easy!  LOL  My big order...(2 boxes) had no packing list & no stickers.  I had to print the invoice to check it in by (which is harder to do cuz I don't have On Sale Dates on there).  No stickers means...I have to HANDWRITE stickers!  Now that may not sound bad...but when you have to write 60+ stickers...it freaking EATS UP your entire day!!  o.0  And that's exactly what happened!!  At 4:30...I finally completed the order. SERIOUSLY?!  Then I had this old bat come in during the middle of this fiasco & PUSH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY BUTTONS!!  Arghhh!!!  By the time she left though, I knew exactly WHY she was getting to me so easily.  It was as if I was dealing with MAMA!  FML.  *sighs*

Kelli says she's making me leave early tomorrow...since she's closing.  But I dunno what she means by "early".  If I leave at 4:30...we consider that "leaving early" but...that is a full shift when you open...lol.  Dunno.  We'll see...

All of this shit that went on today &...I only checked email ONCE.  And never touched Anthology at all...for the 2nd day in a row!  lol  Sheesh...*rolls eyes*

I'm aching even worse right now.  I'm hoping I just crash from sheer exhaustion tonight though.  :/

In better news though...I'm moving at the PERFECT time!  It's beginning to be really hot.  Judy doesn't like me running the a/c cuz of cost but when it gets to the point (like it's beginning to now) that I get home in the evenings & it's like a sauna in here...I start leaving the a/c on all day.  I WILL NOT come home & find Sebastian sprawled on the floor, panting & gasping for breath cuz he's on fire!!  I just WON'T HAVE IT!!  My heart can't take it!!  And the new house stays extremely cool even with the a/c not running!  ;-)  I can't wait!!  :D

Thursday, April 21, 2011

"Tomorrow You Didn't" by Avril Lavigne

New Favorite...  lol


Only Thursday!

I got to sleep in this morning...YAY!!  lol  Kelli opened & I went in at 10.  When I got there, Kelli had 6 boxes of books in her van for me to go through to buy.  lol  By the time I was done with it, Claire made a comment that I couldn't do anything with them til Cindy saw them.  Well...considering Cindy didn't question my choices the LAST time...I was a little peeved!  Couple of texts back & forth to Cindy...&...Kelli wrote herself a check!!  Those books will get processed tomorrow, thank you very much!  No way was I letting 3 boxes of books be in the fucken way for a week...seriously?!  *snorts*  Whatever!!  I was in constant motion ALL DAY LONG...taking care of this or that...but I feel like I got absolutely NOTHING accomplished!!  ARGH!  Checked in magazines.  Never even opened Anthology once!  Nothing else.  Geez...

I'm home, showered, about to nom some dinner...I'm freaking EXHAUSTED...& it's ONLY fucken Thursday!! *dies*  Come ON, Sunday!!  I am sooo freaking SORE that I can barely stand it at this point...*sighs*

Kelli will come in tomorrow long enough for me to check in the order.  Which is really all I need from her anyway.  I can't leave Claire alone for more than a couple of minutes...FFS.  *rolls eyes*

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Book Club Day...

Sara texted me the other night.  Approached me with a sort of..."couples counseling" theory on dealing with this...whatever it is between us.  I have to say I was taken aback.  A little shocked.  Surprised even.  And...totally against my determination...I even smiled to myself over it.  After EVERYTHING that's happened, my biggest hang-up is that I still WANT her to be the person I thought she was!  *sighs*  That want makes me give in & give her yet another chance to fuck it up.  Argh.  We've been in THIS for so long...I've begged her just to talk to me for so long...I've wanted resolution for so long...but I REALLY don't have much hope left at all.  No hope that she'll actually follow through.  We've not actually started the "counseling" sessions yet...cuz I asked for a couple of days of just having NO FIGHTS...& she needed a couple of days to get her thoughts together...& I'm completely skittish with her anymore (& didn't want to start out with this with negative vibes).  I cannot explain why sometimes I can say something that strikes a good chord in her while other times it means nothing at all.  I cannot explain at ALL why she sometimes says things that make me wonder...or hope.  I cannot explain why, after 4 years of THIS, she keeps coming back.  In all actuality, I probably don't WANT to know why!  o.0  I am a pessimist & my pessimist brain tells me things & doesn't allow me to see anything positive lurking around in there...cuz anything positive that makes me hope...will also shatter me into a million little pieces all over again.  *sighs*

Work was crazy again today.  I am Cindy's babysitter more than I'm anything else.  I'm realizing that more & more each day.  I run myself ragged just keeping up with her!  Plus doing the stuff I need to do.  And let's not forget about the customers!  lol  I am now at the point where I handle 95% of staying on top of inventory, placing the orders/writing them up, checking in arriving orders, putting the new stuff out.  Plus doing magazines!  THIS...all on top of trying to get Anthology up & running & dealing with customers.  Not to mention, I've got Karen, Claire & Lori that I have to micro-manage.  Not Karen so much as the other 2...she more comes to me for input & suggestions & then she goes off & does her thing.  I finally got Ingram linked into Anthology today.  I'm in the process of laying the ground work of our basic info into the program itself.  So I'm pretty close to starting to input inventory.

Book Club was tonight.  :-)  I was so exhausted when I got home at 3...I REALLY just wanted to cancel on going but I'm glad I didn't.  We had a good time!  Of course, we ALWAYS do anyway!  ;-)  But Pat was there & she brought us all goodies from her trip to Ireland!  :D  SOOO jealous about that!  lol  But it was really super cool...she brought us stuff from The Temple Bar District & Trinity College...which Karen Marie Moning's Fever Series is centered around (Shadowfever, that I'm trudging through still...is the 5th/last in the series!)  We had chili, cookies & pie.  lol  And talked...about a myriad of things...as per our MO.  lol

Home by 8:30, now showered & wanting sleep.  lol  Kelli is going to open tomorrow but she's leaving early, I think.  Friday I'll be by myself all day, I'm pretty sure.  And then Kelli will be there Saturday, all day.  I get to sleep late tomorrow...YAY!!  :D

Sleep...Sleep...wherefore art thou, Sleep?!  haha  ;-p

Monday, April 18, 2011

Start of a Really LONG Week!!

It has DEFINITELY been a Monday!  lol  That actually started on Sunday.  0.o

I made the superb MISTAKE of talking to Sara again.  *sighs*  Err...ok, well, actually...attempting to talk to her!!  Cuz we never really can communicate.  At all.  It turned into yet another fight.  There's not a damned thing I can say to her that she won't respond to with nastiness, biting sarcasm & just general misunderstanding...or even the stubbornness of just refusing to see a different POV!  GEEZ!!  She is not right all of the time, nor am I wrong all of the time!  FFS!!  I'm at the end of my rope.  Yeah, yeah...I KNOW I've said that a million times already but...FML...she'll never hear a word I say, nor will she ever give me any respect at all...so there's nothing left for me to try.  I have this HORRIBLE habit of getting that mushy "Oh, well, maybe she means it this time..." attitude when she backtracks & says she's sorry.  I fucken BELIEVE her...for like 30 seconds...til she blasts me yet again.  *sighs*  But I'm done doing that.  It'll never change.  I know that.  Nothing I can do to "fix" it.  It's not me...it's her.  She refuses to hear me or accept ANY explanation other than what she's got in her head!!  It's always me being the bitch & tormenting her.  It's always me fucking everything up.  It's always me...PERIOD.  And that's fine.  She'll think whatever she's gonna think.  Nothing I say will ever change that.  Her loss.  I know that I'm a decent person.  Somewhere deep down inside...I may even believe that, for the most part...lol.  But when someone like her overwhelms me...& tries to make it sound sooo convincing that I DO actually suck...well, ya know, it's hard to fight that sometimes.  :/  But...I know what all I've tried to get through to her.  I know how much I love her.  I know what I want from her.  I also know that absolutely none of it means a fuck!  She's made up her mind as to who I am.  I can't play this game anymore.  I can't let her continue to make me feel like I'm crazy.  I don't like it.  I don't enjoy it.  I know it's not true!  And THAT'S what I hafta hold onto now...NOT the fact that I'm in love with the person I thought she was...that person no longer exists!  Closing that book for good.  I'm still willing to be "someone she used to know" kinda "friend" but I doubt that'll even happen.  I don't hold those kinds of friends in very high regard--never have...never will.  If she can manage to stay away from the blaming, nastiness & sarcasm...I'm willing to be there.  But I seriously doubt she's gonna give any of that up at this point.  Whatever...

Today was chaos at work.  Or so it seemed.  Still having issues with Anthology.  Did some legwork to get us hooked up to Ingram.  The guy from Anthology should be calling me tomorrow morning to figure out the issue I'm having with the Options menu.  I can't access it without getting an error message.  If I can't access it, I can't do ANY of the basic foundation setup for the program!  lol  Whatever!  Eventually we'll get there.  *smirks*

Kelli commented to Cindy that she didn't want to work Thur-Sat (Cindy had court with Mike scheduled & then planned to take off for the weekend with him for their anniversary) so Cindy had decided she wouldn't take Fri-Mon off after all.  I told her to go ahead & take it...they never get any time together!  That I can handle the store.  No worries!  What that means for ME is...I'll not have a day off this week & I'll be working open to close Thur-Mon!  haha  Eek!  ;-p  BUT...I'm taking next Saturday off (to move) to make up for the no day off this week AND today through Wed, I'm leaving around 3-ish pm to make up for the extra hours I'll be putting in.  So...it'll all come in through the wash.  It's just gonna be a really LONG week!  Ack!  lol  And Kelli will come in Thur & Fri, partial hours anyway so that'll give me a bit of relief, at least.  She's scheduled a full day on Saturday.

I'm gonna start getting trash together in a bit to go out tonight.  Then shower & dinner.  Then maybe a little bit more packing.  Then I'll finally sit down & maybe watch a movie.  I just wanna fast-forward through time so that Anthology is up & running & I'm already moved!!  AHAHAHA!!  ;-p

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Where Did the Day Go?!

Woke up at 8:30 am.  About the time I was picking up my purse to head downstairs, Kelli called me & said she & Judy were waiting on my slow ass...LMAO!!  We were meeting Stacy & Amanda at Mainstreet Grill for brunch.  They have this huge buffet on Sundays.  :-)  It was good!  I'm STILL stuffed...lol!!  We saw one of our customers, her hubby, 2 daughters & sister there...hahaha!!  But it was SO nice for our OLD GANG to be all together again.  It's been about 2 years since we've been able to accomplish that!  We want to start making a habit of it.  I hope so!!  These guys are my FAMILY!  ;-)

Judy was giving me some sage advice on "managing" & how to get more "involved" with the bookseller's world.  Cindy doesn't let me in on anything she does or finds out...so I'm going to have to start taking the initiative & getting involved in it myself!  She was telling me that Kelly Justiss (who I met at SIBA) started out as an employee, then manager & finally bought the bookstore she has now.  Something to think about for planning for the future...*chuckles*

After brunch, I came home for a few & washed dishes.  Then I texted Cindy that I was heading to the store.  Went up there to set up the hardware for the Anthology system.  She was supposed to be meeting me there.  Basically, I did away with Register 2 completely (it's the oldest machine anyway!), moved Register 1 to where Register 2 was & set up the new cash register & computer where Register 1 was.  Then I had to place the receipt printer, label printer & scan gun on the counter.  I can't get Anthology to recognize our main printer but I got tired of messing with it.  Will try again tomorrow.  Cindy never showed up, texted or called.  *shrugs*  Was fine...I didn't need her anyway.

I don't know when my day off this week is...or if I'll even GET one!  lol  Cindy has Wednesdays scheduled off but...she & Mike are going to be in court Thursday & Friday for his accident with his hand from Jan '09.  And Saturday they're spending the weekend in Flagler Beach for their anniversary.  I'm scheduled to have Thursday off but Kelli DOES NOT want to be there ALONE with Claire, Karen & Lori!  hahahaha  So since Cindy didn't show up today...I'll hafta talk to her about it tomorrow.  I'm already over my hours...if I don't take a day off...I'm gonna hafta catch up SOMEWHERE!!  Next week...or something.  Or maybe save it & just take my birthday weekend off to move & stuff.  Meh...I dunno...we'll see.

Now though...I'd really LIKE a nap!  LOL  Not a smart move!  I think I'll get back up & do some cleaning/packing...since I've YET to even start doing any of that!!  *smirks*  Gawd...I HATE moving & procrastinate with packing severely...HAHAHA!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Busy Day!!

I didn't go to sleep til sometime after 1 am.  Up at 6:30.  Off to work.  Kelli came in around 9.  Her van was full of 10 boxes of books for me to go through to buy as stock.  Took me a good 30 minutes or so!  She ran the counter while I crawled around in her van...hahaha!!  ;-p  Cindy finally got there about 10:30, all in a whirlwind.  Apparently, when she got home last night, she started getting frantic phone calls.  Mike had been out on a jump. They were about to go & the girl in front of him stalled for a minute.  He ended up grabbing ahold of the side of the plane to catch himself & shredded his finger & also breaking it.  ACK!  The rest of the day ended up being a dump day so by the time our order arrived, we were all 3 (me, Claire & Cindy) buried in piles & piles of books!  LOL  But I escaped!  ;-p  Went to the back & checked in the order.  Then checked in the magazines.  By that time, it was time for me to go.  :D

Got home, did dishes, started dinner while I took a shower, ate & started a movie.  Just me & Kelli tomorrow.  I'm opening.  Cameron's 1st birthday was Wednesday & his party is tomorrow so she's off for that.  lol

I am so freaking SORE!  Bleh!  Doing Kelli's books, the order & then the magazines...was a bit much for one day!  :/

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Beach Therapy!!

I finally fell asleep sometime after 7 am.  Slept til 11:45 am & woke up to Manda's text, saying we could meet at 1:30.  She was running errands & was running late...*chuckles*.  She called at 1:15...wasn't home yet...should be ready by 2!  Texted at 2 & said...definitely be ready at 3!!  ROFL!!  Whatever!  ;-p  We FINALLY got out there!  ;-)  It was basically deserted (just the way I like it!), the wind was blowing really well & was a tad nippy.  The water is still way too cold to splash around in...hahaha!!  The tide was coming in so it was almost reaching the road.  We got to sit close for a few minutes before it chased us back across the road & up next to the car.  hahahahaha  We just sat, watched the waves, listened to the sounds & talked.  Her...about her cousin that's in jail & Dan's babies' mama.  Me...my Choice & the new inventory system at work/Cindy & Claire.  It was UBER NICE!!!!!  :D  We headed home around 5:30.

I really do love Manda!  She keeps me in check!  lol  This whole latest fiasco has had me really questioning myself.  But she made me stop doing that...& remember how MANY people I have around me that love me, are there for me, that I'm there for, how much I do for everyone else & never ask for shit in return.  I'm not "normal"...*chuckles*.  I'm, in fact, "special".  LOL!!  And Sara has zero right to make me doubt any of that about myself any longer.  I get very much uncomfortable when people complement me...but I SO needed to hear someone say I'm not really a piece of shit today!!  :-)

I got in, showered the half beach full of sand that I was covered in off, fixed some dinner...here...& starting a movie in a minute.  I'm opening tomorrow...hoping I go to sleep pretty soon.  I'm freaking exhausted!  Exhausted but calm.  :-)  Relieved...relaxed.  I am OK!  ;-)

Choices...

Sometimes...the choices we make are not our own...

I replayed repeatedly in my head yesterday...the email exchange between us from the night before...all day long. Long story short, I was STILL basically begging her to be a part of my life.  I told her, no holds barred, how I feel about her (a positive thing).  I was bargaining, bartering, fishing for some sort of compromise.  By the end of it, I was defeated & willing to play by her rules alone...just so long as she was still a part of my life.  All of this...even AFTER she'd bluntly told me that she didn't want anything to do with me, wouldn't put forth any more effort in staying in contact (that I'd be responsible for all of that), that everything I say to her is BS & it finally hit me last night, late.  There is absolutely NO coming back from any of that!!  So it took me several hours to ponder...& a muse to help me find the final words to say...but I made a choice.  The choice was not for me though.  In my final contact, I stayed true to who I really AM at heart.  Her true feelings, now 100% realized by me...hit me hard.  And I let her go.  There is zero reason to attempt to piece this back together, knowing what I know now.  I could text her every day & ask about her day & never say a single word about "us" again...but for what purpose?!  She doesn't even like me!  There's nothing I can say to her that she won't think is BS.  There is no rhyme or reason for doing that...to her...or to myself.  My feelings towards her haven't changed.  Letting go is not for me.  It's not what I want.  It's all for her.  To give her the relief she seeks.

Once I'd voiced this "choice" to her (via email--I highly doubt she's even seen it yet)...I went into meltdown.  Nixon showed up in the middle of all of this.  Tried going to bed around 1:30 am.  But it didn't work, of course.  And Sebastian knows that I am...NOT ok!  He's either on me or laying right beside me all night!  He rarely even sleeps on the bed!  But he's not even leaving my side at all.  He is a great comfort though!  ;-)

I strongly doubt she'll respond at all.  But if she surprises me...& does anyway...I won't respond back to her.  There's no reason to.  Nothing left to say.  Everything I say is BS...so why bother?  It just prolongs the pain.  She's been off my FB & out of my phone for days now anyway.  I've deleted all of the old messages so I have no access to her phone # (unless she texts me)...cuz I never memorized it.  Email is no longer in contacts either.  An absolute sweep.  There's zero HOPE left...why keep the contact info as temptation?  :-(  I can't hope that she'll change her mind.  Why would she?!  Once you dislike someone, it rarely turns back around...

5 am & I'm still up.  I fear my day is screwed!  I still want to go to the beach with Manda though!  I need it more than ever at this point!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Computers Suck! LOL

Today was VERY quiet.  lol  Just me & Kelli.  Lori came in at noon.  I attempted to start hooking up the Anthology system...well, the software part of it.  I got the main program to download...though it really doesn't want to cooperate very well.  Ugh.  Dunno what that's about.  Kept giving me an error message when I'd try to hook up to our online database.  They have 3 options for the online database.  2 of which cost extra per month.  The 3rd is through our distributor so I'm going through them.  Would be stupid NOT to!  And there's no cost involved.  But...I had to email them to try to figure out if I need an installation disc or what.  No reply as of yet. Then the next step was signing up with BookScan.  Basically all that is...is I report to them every week my new book sales & they then compile those & send them to ABA (it's a marketing thing).  It doesn't cost me anything to do this but the problem is...I ALREADY do reporting once a week to ABA as it is!  LOL  WTF?!  I dunno.  I think this will be automated through the system itself & I can stop doing it manually (hopefully).  We'll see.  I printed out the agreement Cindy has to sign & fax in & left it on her desk for tomorrow.  There really isn't anything more I can do til we hook up the actual hardware & then set it up on the software.  That'll be Sunday, I think.  Kelli checked in the order.  I then created new bookmarks for us from scratch.  The ones we have cost us an arm & a leg through the printers & all of the internet stuff is wrong on them!  This way, I can change info as needed, print however many at a time that I want to & it won't cost anywhere NEAR as much to do!  ;-p  By 3:30, my brain was mush...so I just waited on customers while I waited for 4:30 to roll around.  haha

Ok, now THIS is just bizarre!!!!  AHAHAHA!!!  When I 1st got home, I had no internet connection.  So I went in to check my network.  There are usually always 2 available (the one I use & the old one that has like 1 bar of signal).  But...there were THREE!!!  The 3rd...OMG...hahaha....said "FBI Surveillance Van"!!!  WTF?!  Sooo...that meant there's an FBI stakeout going on SOMEWHERE very very close to my home!?!?  *shivers*  That's just SPOOKY!  lolol

I think me & Manda are doing a beach day tomorrow!  WOOHOO!!  :D  It's about TIME!  I haven't been this year yet!  ;-p  And I seriously need my beach therapy right now!!!!!!!!!!!

Now...shower & dinner.  Movie or 2, I imagine.  I'm just WHIPPED!!  The morning started out badly...& pretty much stayed that way all day...ughhh...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Arms -- Christina Perri

Not that it really matters...

A Day of Cameron!

Woke up at 3 am last night.  Was awake til after 5!  UGH!!  Alarm woke me at 7 & I was like "No way, Dude!"  Changed alarm for 9!  LOL!!  Got to work at 10:15...oopsies!  Hey, LOOK!  I CAN be late after all!! *laughs*

Cameron was already there when I got there.  And had us running non-stop.  lol  He finally had lunch & finally went down for a nap around noon or so.  We got 2 boxes in from Anthology.  As I looked through them, I figured we only had the actual computer that we're waiting on...til Cindy told me we're using our main computer to set this up on.  o.0  It should work but I may have to upgrade to Windows Pro.  ACK!!!  I think I'd rather she just bought another damn computer than upgrading an OS...OMFG!  That will be a nightmare...lol!!  Then she wanted me to run around & look at L-shaped desks in order to set this contraption up on.  My fault!  LOL  Cuz I'd mentioned that she could find something cheaper elsewhere other than Office Depot...ahahaha!!!  But I ended up not going cuz our order showed up right about then so I did that instead!  ;-p  Showed her desks online for Wal-Mart & Target to give her an idea of what she can get for $100 vs $600 (18 months, no interest)...!  HA!  She's gonna go looking tomorrow while she's off with Cameron.  :-)  When Cameron woke from his nap, he was a TOTAL nightmare!!!!  Holy Hell!  LOL  Todd came to get him a little after 4 & that's when we discovered he's getting another tooth coming in.  The nightmare then made SENSE!  Poor baby!  lolol

Kelli is gonna open tomorrow.  Hmm...so that makes 3 days in a row of me closing.  *don't like*  haha  I always prefer opening!  Bleh.  I'm gonna TRY (try being the operative word there) to get Kelli to handle the front mostly...while I start attempting to load Anthology onto our computer.  *laughs*  OMG...it STARTS!  *smirks*

Now...hot shower, dinner & a movie.  :-)  RELAX!!!  It's been a long day...lol.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Monday...lol

I didn't sleep at all last night.  Seriously!  Texting until 3:30 am.  Was thinking til I dunno...8 am.  I was supposed to be closing anyway so I asked Cindy if I could come in at noon.  I did actually sleep pretty deep from 8:30 til 10:30 though.  Got to work at 11:30...lol.  I can't even be late when I'm trying to be late!  ;-p

We got the paperwork & the box of thermal register paper for the Anthology inventory system today.  LMAO!!  Only 6 more boxes to go & I can start piecing this baby together...

Mom called TWICE about the stupid Drupal website (the MOST retarded thing EVER)...it was being touted through IndieWeb for being able to sell e-books.  Was supposed to be SIMPLE!  Yeah...not!!!  It's just retarded.  Mom can't get any real answers from the Tech Support people.  I think Cindy ended up emailing the guy & telling him she just wanted out of it all together.  From what mom can figure out, at best, she'd end up spending about $400/month for this POS!

Cindy & Claire collaborated & they THINK they're gonna get me to jump out of a freaking airplane!!!  They're saying they'll tandem with me but they'll buy the jump for my birthday present.  Umm...I'd piss myself & then FAINT!  I think not...lol!!!  ;-p

We are going to be babysitting Cameron all week...LMAO!  They had him last Thursday (when I was off) & from what all I've heard...it was CRAZY!  hahahahaha  So he'll be there tomorrow.  Wednesday Cindy is off so she'll have him at home.  Then I'm off Thursday.  I can't run the store AND babysit more than one day!  Shit...the times he's only been there a few minutes, he's worn me out!  *smirks*

At this moment...I feel like I did Dec. 27, 2008.  Completely blocked off, unable to say ANYTHING that'll be heard or even matter.  I feel like I'm not even ME!!  I am getting punished for the evils someone else has done, cannot defend myself in the least, zero recourse, zero ability to do anything except just accept it...*cries*.  I think the worst part is that I simply cannot defend myself at all...

Sunday, April 10, 2011

1st Cleaning Day...

I told Stacy yesterday morning about me moving.  She was sooo excited!!  haha  I told her that once I get settled, I wanna have a party with EVERYONE at the house.  That'll be late summer, I'm imagining (before I can get enough furniture, etc to make it look decent...lol).  Stacy told me I can have her recliner, go through her yard sale piles & she's got art pieces that are still at her parents' house that she'll give me.  :D  Amanda has already said she'll give me the headboard/footboard that she got from Cindy when they moved that Dylan decided not to use (it just needs a frame).  Was kinda talking to Cindy about what all Stacy was gonna give me & the party, etc & she said she was also making a mental list of what to give me...LMAO!

Furnishing the place isn't going to be AS big of an issue as I was expecting...I don't think.  *chuckles*  I love my friends!!  :D

I did a load of laundry last night but that's it.  I was in a bit of an "odd" mood.  I was restless but waiting for "something"...I dunno...it was just odd.

Got up at 9 am.  Did FB & then made breakfast!  LOL!!  Made coffee, sausage & scrambled eggs!  haha  The kids quite enjoyed their snausage brekkie!!  hehehe  I don't EVER buy sausage...especially that sizzle & serve stuff...but it was one of 4 FREE items in a deal at Winn Dixie if you bought a cannister of Maxwell House...lol.  The other stuff was grits, biscuits & a dozen eggs.  Pretty good deal even if the coffee was $12!  LOL  It's normally $8 anyway...you can't get all that other stuff for $4.  *shrugs*  Whatever...I had breakfast!  ;-p

Then...CLEANING DAY!!  hahaha  Ughhhh...not fond of cleaning!  *smirks*  Was just about to do kitty litter & dishes when Mom called.  They finally bought tile yesterday & are over there now, pulling the old stuff up & wanted help.  Kelli got to hear the news finally (she was the last one that didn't know about the move in my circle) cuz she called me while I was on my way over to the house.  She's excited, too!!  lol  I was there from noon-3.  Didn't get much accomplished.  Partially through scrubbing up the glue residue from the floor, Mom decided she was going to rent a floor grinder to do that cuz it's killing her body & plus...it's taking forever.  So then we started putting deglosser on a few of the doors & trim (that are currently painted with semi-gloss paint), preparing them to be repainted with a matte finish .  Not much else for me to do after that so I came home.  Yay.

Checked FB & then had dinner while I started a movie.  Halted the movie to do dishes & kitty litter...lol.  Resumed the movie & folded/hung the laundry that got washed last night.  After that, took trash downstairs.  Finally...I took a hot shower...ahhhh!!!  hehehe  That was nice!  ;-)

And now...I really don't know WHAT to do!  I'm still dealing with that odd restlessness issue...so I can't focus on any ONE thing for very long at a time.  *sighs*  I guess for the next few hours, I'll just do a combination of clean, pack, watch another movie, read...or just nothing at all.  lol  No idea!  Anyway...toodledoo!!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Diane's Day...

Saw this quote this morning...thought it quite fitting...

Today is the last day I’ll dream of reaching you..
Today is the last day I’ll mention your name..
Today is the last day I’ll cry over you..
But damn, when will be the last day of loving you ???





And so it is...


So today was supposed to be Diane's big day!!  There was some art thing going on downtown so we were really dead.  Only ended up getting her $90.  She & Sharon dropped by around 4 pm though.  She looked horrible.  :-(  But we gave her the envelope of the straight donations from people.  No idea how much was in there...we counted on Wed & it was at $45.


I brought boxes home with me tonight.  I had planned on being able to take small loads over to the house & drop them randomly for the next 3 weeks but can't do that til they finish the floor.  Ugh!!  :-(  I SO don't wanna be trying to do this all in ONE day...my only day off, no less!  Bleh!!  Whatever.  


So I'm kinda half-assed watching a movie atm...waiting for it to get dark (so that it's cooler) before I start a couple loads of laundry.  Then probably start cleaning/packing here & there.  That's all that's on the agenda for tomorrow, too!

Mind Atwitter!!

Sooo many things swirling around in my brain!  It's exhausting!!  hahaha!!  ;-p

Just THIS morning...I'm thinking...

New job.  Going well so far.  Cindy bought the new inventory system.  We should be receiving it in about 8 boxes...possibly starting Monday.  Email said Friday-Monday to watch for it but nothing came yesterday & we don't get Fed Ex on Saturdays.  Once I start getting it in, I'll have to start setting it up.  Either after hours or next Sunday.  Then starts the process of adding data (our actual inventory) into it!  Ahhh!!!  Good times are coming!  LMAO!  *snorts*

Been contemplating getting rid of the car & getting a Vespa.  But...dunno about that.  Still thinking on it...

Moving.  I'm moving!!  ARGH!!  haha  I'm so sick of moving but...hey...this will be a good one, I think.  I just wasn't planning on moving again so SOON!  Heh!  I'm bringing boxes home from work tonight & I'll start cleaning & packing this weekend.  Mom went on the search for a washer & dryer yesterday but Bud wouldn't let her pay $250 for the set she found.  Hell!!  They can't even agree on the flooring they need to get!  They're pulling up the nasty carpet & the vinyl that's already there & replacing it...but can't agree on anything! Supposed to be over there today, painting the inside.  I'm getting excited...but still nervous about the financial aspect of it.  o.0

I told Judy last night that I was moving.  I felt SO LOW!  :-(  Ughhhh...

I'm out of cigarettes again...in a few minutes.  It's GOT to be a mental choice to NOT pick them up again!  I've got too much riding on it to fail yet again...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Movie Day!!

Mom is REALLY pushing for me to move into her rental house!  She called this morning.  Said Bud said that if I could just pay the mortgage note & the electricity & cable/internet...they'd be fine with that.  If/when I found a roomie, the rent would go back up to their previous amount, which would mean my 1/2 would then be $100 less than me paying the note.  She's giving me her futon cuz she's sick of it being in her house.  That can be the living room couch for now, a bed for Erin (if I could talk her into deciding to move in) or I could use it as a bed for a while.  I got to looking on Craigslist & found several washer/dryer combos for $100 or less so I offered if she could get me that for my birthday present....I could buy a bed.  lol  She hasn't answered yet.  ;-p  Anything else can wait for coming months.  ;-p  I had also noticed the other day a huge furniture outlet store so it deserves a looksie.  In all actuality, I'd only be spending maybe a couple hundred dollars more a month than I do here & be in a totally better place!  She & Bud are worried about getting stuck with shitty renters...so are the neighbors!  It still makes me nervous to get in so deep financially but...maybe it's worth a shot??  *shrugs*  I'd basically be cutting it as close as I already have been for the last year & a half.  I was just kinda looking forward to not having to watch every single penny, ya know?  *sighs*  My biggest fear at the moment is telling Judy I'm moving!  :-(  I feel sooooo guilty!  Bleh!!

Oh!!  And she said that Mama, Jolene (1 of Mama's sisters) & Marsha (1 of Jolene's daughters) are coming here in July.  2 years ago July, Mama, Jolene & Jimmie Anne (their remaining living sister) came down here.  But family drama has everyone mad at Jimmie Anne right now.  *rolls eyes*  So I guess I'll hafta go visit...ugh...

Went over to Manda's at 1 pm.  Was supposed to go at noon but she was running late...lol.  Shock!!  *smirks*  She'd gone to court for her cousin this morning & then had to hit Wal-Mart.  I told her about mom pushing for me to rent the house.  She thinks it's a great opportunity!  She mentioned Our Father's Closet & Good Will for finding furniture super cheap.  Not to mention, yard sales!  And she said her & Dan could help me move, too.  Not that I have a lot to move!  She doesn't think Judy will hold any grudges about me leaving her though...lol.  One of her cousins actually lives 3 streets over from where this house is & she described their house...sounds like the exact same floorplan!  She said electricity will be no big issue...runs her cousin about $80/month!  And being on well water is awesome cuz it's super yummy water...can actually drink from the tap instead of buying bottled water!!  She was also saying that cable/internet should run about $120.  We had bacon grilled cheese sandwiches & Cheetos & watched Hot Tub Time Machine.  Hilarious!!  But had some really gross moments!  lol  At 3:30, Dylan & Dylan came in (her daughter & her boyfriend).  They then sat & watched Grown Ups with us.  It was cute, too!

So, anyway...my mind is racing!  ;-p  Looks like I may be spending my birthday weekend moving!  *snorts*

Got home about 5:30-ish pm.  Did FB.  Then dishes.  Now I'm thinking about dinner.  Contemplating beef tips & rice but may go with something quicker.  Dunno yet.  I think I'm movied out for the day so I may just spend the rest of the evening reading on Shadowfever some more.  hahaha

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Ignorance is Bliss!!

Seriously?!  OMG!!  Just...fucken WOW!  *sighs*  Ignorance is bliss...yet again.  Whatever.  I'll let it remain ignorant.  No need for crisis...drama...or anything else, for that matter...

Peaceful Wednesday...

So I took 2 of the Melatonin last night.  Was out by 9 pm!  Woke up twice (12:15 am & 4 am) to pee but went right back to sleep!  The kids started running at 5:30 am & woke me but I still didn't wanna get up so I reset the alarrm for 7:30!  Of course, that meant I went to work showerless cuz I was opening!  ;-p  I sooo didn't even care!  haha

Was just me & Kelli at work today.  :D  Was quite peaceful...I had my anchor back with me.  *giggles*  Manda came in for a few to get books to send to her cousin in jail.  I guess we're definitely planning on a Movie Date tomorrow instead of the beach.  Her new tv was being delivered this afternoon so she said we'd be piled up in the bed watching movies!  *dies laughing*  I hope she doesn't tell Dan that cuz he will most definitely take that & run with it!!  ;-p

I ended up going to buy cigarettes about halfway through the day.  Yeah, yeah...I know...shut up!  lol  It is what it is...*sighs*  I don't even care at this point.  Not really caring about much of anything at this point...

I'm home now.  Shower after I do FB.  Then movies or whatever til I fall asleep.  I dunno if I'll eat dinner.  Kelli & I had a late lunch & I'm still stuffed...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

A Mix Bag...

I finally heard from the would-be roomie last night.  She's decided she needs a furnished place since she's only going to be here for about 7 months.  It's cool.  lol  But she wants to be friends & maybe even join our book club!  lol

It dawned on me today that I STILL haven't upgraded my phone!  After spending 5 hours downloading it last Friday!  ;-p  I'll do it eventually...

I'm so freaking sleepy!!  Mike said I needed to take 5 mg of the Melatonin.  Cindy says 3 mg.  I'll try 2 tonight & see how long it works...lol!

No cigs since 4/4.  I've got on my last patch now.  I've been thinking about weed for the last few weeks.  Like...I mean...having my own stash & stuff.  I won't have ANY trouble getting it...I've got 5 sources right at my fingertips!!  ;-p

My brain is hiccupping & going in opposite directions today.  Well, last few days really.  I'm...I dunno...restless??  Can't sit still.  No desire to have down time.  It's a process.  I'm well aware of it.  Not like I haven't been here before...dozens of times!  It just still freaks me out when it happens is all...

Yeah, I dunno...til next time...

The Night is Long...

I let the roast cook overnight.  Cuz, basically, I'm an idiot.  I was plugging in the wrong appliance all day yesterday & last night after I'd gotten home even!  *sighs*  Was pulling stupid shit like that at work yesterday, too.  *sighs*  My mind is fragmented...

I've been awake since 2:30 am again.  Dozed off & on til now though.  The kids have been ripping & running for the last hour though so I gave up & got up.  It's ok though...I can now have roast for breakfast!  Heh...*chuckles*

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Rest of Monday...

So while I was milling about, waiting to go to work, I also folded laundry (from last week...finally!).

I ended up going in to work at 9 instead of 10 just cuz I was bored.  lol  *shrugs*  Wasn't much going on there either so I went on a cleaning spree.  See, we have several shelves behind the counter that are PACKED with books, papers, etc.  I've been there 2 years & have NEVER seen anyone ever touch them so WHY are they there?!  Well...that was what I aimed to find out.  Most of them were useless crap that we just got rid of.  I've still got 1 more shelf to de-clutter.  *chuckles*

Got home, anticipating roast!!  Walk in & smell NOTHING so I freak as I come around the corner, expecting the pot to be on the floor or something.  Nope.  It's still all intact!  WTF?!  Erm...apparently that socket doesn't work when the kitchen light is OFF!  Arghhhhhhh!!!  So I've got it cooking now.  Doubt I can stay up long enough for it to get done tonight though.  :-(

I brought the Advance home to go through, to mark upcoming releases I think we should get.  I'm sleepy.  Dunno if I'll manage it...

Cindy upped my salary rate.  When she did all the taxes & stuff, my net was going to end up being about the same as what I got this month!!!  Yeah, that won't work at all!  lol

Book Club Karen called me today.  Diane got even worse news.  The tumor isn't shrinking at all.  In fact, it is encasing her kidney.  Dr said he'd put in a permanent bag but it'd be on the outside.  The tumor is also growing into her uterus so he's sending her to a gyno cuz he doesn't deal with that body area.  o.0  She basically told him...what's the point?  She's starting to give up...*sighs*

Monday, Monday...

Apparently...Melatonin isn't such a wonder drug after all!  :/  It took me quite a while to finally fall asleep.  Kept waking up.  Woke up at 2:30 am.  Got up at 3:15 am.  So...my conclusion...it only makes me sleep like the dead when I'm NOT under duress!!!  :-(  When my brain (heart??) is agitated...absolutely nothing can soothe me.  *sighs*  :-(

Having coffee.  Checked FB.  I'll do the dishes & kitty litter in a few.  Then shower for work.  Take more trash downstairs to put out tonight.  Start the roast in the crock pot for dinner tonight...I'm just hoping the kids don't find the smell of it cooking too enticing & they get on the counter while I'm at work!  ;-p  Cuz, yeah, I can TOTALLY see them knocking it off!  Ughhh...*crosses fingers*

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Half Lazy Day...

So far...Melatonin is a a fucken miracle drug!  ROFL!!  Just sayin'...  ;-p  Slept like the dead again last night.  9 1/2 hrs...only reason I woke up was cuz I had to pee!  *laughs*

Got up, did FB, got dressed & took the trash out (getting ready to put it out tomorrow night).  Finished unloading my trunk from the Wal-Mart trip the other day (BTW--I REALLY hate my stairs on shopping days!  HA!).  Then I went to get gas.  1st time I've filled up the tank in 2 months!!  ACK...$40!  Seriously?!  $3.57/gal.  When I got that car, it took less than $25 to fill er up.  o.0  Aired up the front 2 tires.  The new/used one continuously loses air & now my other one is, too.  All 4 need to be changed.  It's on the list!  ;-p  A/C issue is 1st, then brakes, then the tires.  Went to Publix.  Stopped by the house to unload since I was gonna pass right by anyway.  Then went to Winn Dixie.  I hit both of their sales!!  I now have enough food in this house to last 3 months!!  *dies laughing*  Got home again & put everything away.  Gonna put the roast in the crock pot in the morning.  :-)

Then I decided it was time for my lazy Sunday...started watching movies/tv shows.  Here is where I'll be the rest of the night.  :-)  Not long into my 1st movie, I started getting texts from Manda.  We're trying to pin down a plan to hang out on Thursday (my day off).  We thought about finally going to Leu Gardens in Orlando but they're going to Jacksonville next weekend for the Autism Walk so she needs to conserve funds right now.  So...we've got it narrowed down to 2 things...depending on the weather!  lol  We'll either have a beach day or a movie & lunch date day.  I miss her at work.  Of course, I miss Kelli & Stacy, too.  It's not the same without them.  Judy, too, for that matter!  But they're still in my life...all of em...you know, that's EXTREMELY warming to the heart to know you have those friends that you can count on to still be there...through thick & thin.  They are truly my family!  Bare bones...I am blessed for all that I have & all that I can do.  It's just that sometimes the things that break me the easiest seem oh so much more relevant than all of the good things.  *sighs*  :/

Full Day!!

Alright.  I'm a pessimist.  I'm the FIRST to admit it!  lol  Always have been...always will be.  So I doubt damn near everything...until I'm proven wrong.  haha  I took the Melatonin & Zyrtec last night---not expecting much, if anything, right?  lol  I started feeling groggy soon after.  But I kinda waited it out for about an hour.  When I finally laid down, I think I was out within 15 minutes!  Now...that's not remarkable until you realize it generally takes me an hour or more to fall asleep!  I have to toss & turn repeatedly 1st.  Last night, however, I went down like a ton of bricks in the position in which I laid down in!  LOL  And I slept like the freaking dead ALL NIGHT!  Didn't wake up not once.  AND...the alarm had to wake me up at 7!!!!  I couldn't even tell you the last time the alarm has woken me.  I'm always up well before its set time.  WOW!  *laughs*  I dunno if it was the Melatonin or the Zyrtec or the combination of both but the true test will be seeing what happens once I get into a routine of doing this every night.  ;-p

Cindy was supposed to open this morning & I was gonna close.  She texted me at 8 am.  She's been up & down all night.  Sera (her dog) & Mike (her hubby) have both been sick.  Apparently the 2 of them shared a chicken dinner...it didn't agree with either of them!  So I told her no worries...I had it under control.  Now...when I open, I'm there at 8:30.  I haven't even gotten in the shower yet!  Was just about to go when I got her text!  So I just jumped up & got dressed...showerless (I hate that!  UGH!!)  She thanked me & said she wanted to take me to dinner tonight.  Mmk.  lol  That's Cindy-speak for she "wants to talk".  lol  I figured it'd be about me going on salary, etc.

I got the store open on time.  She got there just before 10, I think.  Was a pretty slow day.  Was just me, her & Lori.  Karen was supposed to be there but she didn't show.  Guess she forgot.  lol  Whatever.  She's not an integral part of us anyway.  Cindy signed up for the inventory system.  Dunno when we'll get it but that'll be a Sunday of me going in to set it all up.  I'm really kinda excited about it!  ;-)  She's only getting the used books system...for now.  If we want to add the new books system later we can.  Unless he can swing her a good deal to go ahead & get both now.  I made flyers & created the Event on FB for next Saturday.  We're giving Diane 10% of that days total sales.  Just cuz we love her & she needs any help she can get right now.  I had a guy donate $5 towards it, just in case he can't make it back in next Saturday.  I thought that was just awesome!  :-)  Around 1 pm, Cindy took off for about an hour to go home & check on Sera.  Sure enough, she'd gotten sick again in the house.  Poor thing.  She was afraid she'd been a bad girl & was hiding from Cindy when she walked in.  Poor pup!  :/

We'd decided on going to Chili's for dinner.  YAY!  haha  LOVE LOVE LOVE them!  I always get the Quesadilla Explosion Salad & their strawberry El Presidente Margaritas are my favorite!  ;-)  At 5:45, I left so I could save us a table.  It is Saturday night after all!  haha  They're always super packed on the weekends!  I went ahead & ordered my margarita while I waited for her.  When she got there & saw it, she was like "OMG!!  That's a PERFECT idea!!"  haha  We'd both had several run-ins today with Christian zealots & were just over the day!  ;-p  So, yeah, she wanted to know if I wanted to stay hourly or go to salary.  She gave me a number for salary.  Not as high as I wanted it to be.  Only about $300 more than what I'm getting now.  Pfft.  *shrugs*  I'll give it a couple of months.  Since I do all of the internet stuff on top of my normal duties...if I start doing everything Kelli was doing too...umm...yeah...it won't be enough to compensate for all the extra I take on & I'll approach her then.  And instead of just my one week vacation, I'll now have 2 weeks!  That's COOL!  :-)  I shouldn't, technically, get 2 weeks for 3 more years...lol.  Anyway, yummy dinner, 2 hours later, after 6 margaritas...I headed home.  BUZZIN'!!  Hard!  hehehe

Got home, got undressed, barely got on FB & Stacy called.  She wanted me to come hang out with her & Ryan for a bit.  Mark, Ryan's best friend & his 4-year old daughter, Lotus, were there, too.  I've never met them but I've seen tons of pics of Lotus.  SUPER ADORABLE!!  When I drove up, Lotus opened the front door & yells "Hurry up & come in, Mel!!!"  I just died laughing!  ;-p  She's too stinking cute!  Smart!  OMG! I was really blown away at how smart she is & GROWN!  haha  They'd been roasting hot dogs for dinner.  Then a little while later, Stacy introduced me to the art of roasting Peeps!!  AHAHAHAHA!!!  Peeps...you know...the marshmallow & sugar chicks, bunnies, pumpkins, cats, ghosts, xmas trees, etc that are out for every holiday?!  WHO KNEW???  lolol  When Mark & Lotus were getting ready to leave, she tripped over the step from the patio & face-planted herself into the garage.  Poor baby!!!  Scared her more than hurt her but she was soooo pitiful crying & all!  :-(  I ended up leaving at 10:45.  All 3 of us were yawning & shit...haha!  I've always been OLD but those 2 have settled into being grandma & grandpa, too!  *dies laughing*

The girl I was talking to about being a roommate so I could rent Mom's house...I haven't heard from her in about 2 weeks.  She was supposed to be in Orlando on 3/31 & we were supposed to meet up.  Whatever.  It's all for the best anyway.  I'd pretty much decided (even before the 31st) that I really didn't want to stress myself financially like that right now anyway.  And I especially don't wanna do it now that I know my salary won't be as high as I was hoping for.  I think I'd rather stay here, get my car fixed, sell it & find something cheaper.  Then perhaps I can afford to take a trip or 2 on my 2 weeks vacation!!  *smirks*

It's been a long day.  Melatonin is kicking in.  *chuckles*  Tomorrow...trip to the grocery store.  You know...actually buy a month's worth of groceries!  ;-p  I haven't been able to afford to do that in like a year... o.0  I bought a crock pot the other night.  I want a roast!  :-)  Nite nite, World...hello, Sunday!!  :D

Friday, April 1, 2011

1st Day Being a Manager...

Well, like I already said...I woke up at 2:30 am this morning.  Could NOT go back to sleep for shit!  Read some.  I'm STILL trying to get through Shadowfever!  lol  It's been...3 months?!  ahahaha!!!  Anyway...

On my way to work, I stopped & got some cigarettes.  Funny thing about that!  o.0  1st couple of drags was like...WOO SAAA!!!!  Heh.  *grins*  But then...hmm...I'm not liking them so much.  WTF?!  My lungs hurt.  I stopped up almost immediately.  The taste is horrible!!  The smell.  So far, I keep smoking them though.  But it might not last long.  I think I have one patch left.  I just dunno...we'll see what happens.

Open the door at work & all I can hear is this beeping noise.  Ehh??  Turn on the lights, get around the counter, the main computer's monitor is flashing on & off.  I try to turn the CPU on & it momentarily flashes an error screen before it shuts down again.  So it won't even boot up!  I turn the other 2 on.  No internet.  Mmk.  So I go back to the main one to focus on the beeping.  Within a minute or so I realize it's the APC battery back-up!  Ahh.  Yep.  All this storming the last 2 days fried the old POS!  lol  Oops.  Luckily, Cindy walked in right about then so I told her what was up.  She went straight to Office Depot & got a new APC.  Hooked it up & all was bliss again!  ;-p

The rest of the day itself was pretty quiet.  Wednesday's order came in.  It was a pretty big one but really straightforward so it took less than 20 minutes to check it in.  Except, upon opening the 1st box, our stickers were in a wad & all jacked up.  And one of the books was crumpled.  One of LKH's that I'd ordered to complete the set (between new & used in stock) to prepare for the rush we're already starting to see.  Hit List comes out in June...so people are re-reading the series or trying to catch up!  ;-)  Cindy had me take pics of the damages & send to Robb (our rep).  LOL!!  My 1st actual manager duty!  *snorts*  But she's a dope!  She gave me his landline number so the MMS didn't go through, of course.  So I emailed them to her email so she could forward them.  I got an email at 5:30 that she still didn't have them...could I just email them to him from my phone.  Sheesh.  Done.  Cindy is really considering implementing an inventory/POS system!!  She was on the phone with the guy for like an hour.  In the long run, that'd be AWESOME!!  Would make life SO much easier on multiple levels!!  The bitch is gonna be inputting our current 300,000 books in stock into the system...yikes!  lol  I had Claire put away the new arrivals...though I shoulda just done it myself.  I had to show her where all of them went anyway.  After that was done, Cindy handed me a check.  Wha?!  1st Quarter bonus...but shh...cuz nobody else was getting one!  Mmk...

I ended up leaving at 3.  I'm tired.  lol  It was at a slow crawl.  Claire was hovering cuz she was bored.  Lori was getting to the point of coming up & starting random convos that nobody wanted to listen to.  I then went for my monthly Wal-Mart visit.  Then the bank.  I think, next month, I'm opening another account where the store banks so I can get rid of Bank of America.  That account is NOTHING but a PITA & mostly cuz it's a stupid fucken WA account still!  Argh.  Sick of it!  Anyway, Amanda has been trying to talk me into trying Melatonin for 2 years now...for my sleeping issues.  I just never got around to it.  lol  Well, I got some tonight. So we'll see if it does anything.  I also got some Zyrtec.  See if that helps the sinuses any.  The Pseudoephedrine works better than anything else I've ever tried but...IF I actually go to sleep, I have wicked nightmares!  Ick!  :/  So we'll see.

So finally home, had dinner, watched a movie.  I've been downloading the BlackBerry OS 6 update for 2 hours already--it's STILL not done!!  Really?!  Sheesh!  Maybe I'll update it tonight.  Maybe not!  LOL

I think I'll read another chapter or 2 of Shadowfever before I attempt to sleep.  *smirks*

I'm going to attempt to pin Cindy down tomorrow & talk to her about this salary thing.  Aside from the initial mention of me becoming her salaried manager when Kelli left, it's not been spoken of since!  Though Kelli spent the last 2 weeks teaching me her random duties.  No idea what Cindy is thinking my salary will BE.  I'd really like to know!  lol  Kelli thinks that...since I got a $.75 raise this month (which I WORKED for & EARNED!!)...that will be my salary rate.  Uhh...I think not!!  Taking on all this EXTRA responsibility does not warrant me staying right here, where I'd already previously worked up to!  I know how much Kelli drew!!  She better get a LOT fucken closer than where I am currently...seriously!!

Smoking...

I've been up since 2:30 am.  Ugh.  I'm so over this BS not sleeping crap!  :/  But...I will buy sleeping pills tonight at my monthly Wal-Mart trip...yay!  I've been out of them for over a week & have SO noticed the difference!  Bleh!!

Changes have already started implementing.  It's not easy.  Pretty much goes against everything I know but...everything that I already know doesn't work!  :-(

I haven't had a cigarette since March 11.  It still makes me crazy each & every day.  The only true thing keeping me from smoking is lack of money.  When I quit a couple of years ago, it was so fucken simple!!  I had a super strong incentive as well as a desire to quit.  I have neither of those this time & I'm truly amazed at the difference! o.0  So we got paid yesterday & my general raise made a pretty big difference all on it's own.  Next payday...will be even more...seeing that, as of today, I'm now the salaried manager!  Money is not the issue that it was so...there's no reason to quit!  I can't wait til I get dressed here in a few minutes so I can buy my 1st pack...*laughs*  I think I've lost my mind...drooling over the thought of having a cigarette finally...!!  ;-p