Choices...

Sometimes...the choices we make are not our own...

I replayed repeatedly in my head yesterday...the email exchange between us from the night before...all day long. Long story short, I was STILL basically begging her to be a part of my life.  I told her, no holds barred, how I feel about her (a positive thing).  I was bargaining, bartering, fishing for some sort of compromise.  By the end of it, I was defeated & willing to play by her rules alone...just so long as she was still a part of my life.  All of this...even AFTER she'd bluntly told me that she didn't want anything to do with me, wouldn't put forth any more effort in staying in contact (that I'd be responsible for all of that), that everything I say to her is BS & it finally hit me last night, late.  There is absolutely NO coming back from any of that!!  So it took me several hours to ponder...& a muse to help me find the final words to say...but I made a choice.  The choice was not for me though.  In my final contact, I stayed true to who I really AM at heart.  Her true feelings, now 100% realized by me...hit me hard.  And I let her go.  There is zero reason to attempt to piece this back together, knowing what I know now.  I could text her every day & ask about her day & never say a single word about "us" again...but for what purpose?!  She doesn't even like me!  There's nothing I can say to her that she won't think is BS.  There is no rhyme or reason for doing that...to her...or to myself.  My feelings towards her haven't changed.  Letting go is not for me.  It's not what I want.  It's all for her.  To give her the relief she seeks.

Once I'd voiced this "choice" to her (via email--I highly doubt she's even seen it yet)...I went into meltdown.  Nixon showed up in the middle of all of this.  Tried going to bed around 1:30 am.  But it didn't work, of course.  And Sebastian knows that I am...NOT ok!  He's either on me or laying right beside me all night!  He rarely even sleeps on the bed!  But he's not even leaving my side at all.  He is a great comfort though!  ;-)

I strongly doubt she'll respond at all.  But if she surprises me...& does anyway...I won't respond back to her.  There's no reason to.  Nothing left to say.  Everything I say is BS...so why bother?  It just prolongs the pain.  She's been off my FB & out of my phone for days now anyway.  I've deleted all of the old messages so I have no access to her phone # (unless she texts me)...cuz I never memorized it.  Email is no longer in contacts either.  An absolute sweep.  There's zero HOPE left...why keep the contact info as temptation?  :-(  I can't hope that she'll change her mind.  Why would she?!  Once you dislike someone, it rarely turns back around...

5 am & I'm still up.  I fear my day is screwed!  I still want to go to the beach with Manda though!  I need it more than ever at this point!!