Telephone!! :D

Heh...sooo...when Jen got home last night, she called me! ;-p Was our 1st phone convo! haha 3 weeks!! LMAO. It took me MONTHS to talk to Sara on the phone! But I've already been listening to Jen's voice...hehehehe...when she djs, she goes on air sometimes. :D Was the 1st she'd heard me though. ROFL!!! And what did she comment on?! My fucken giggle...OMG!! *dies* I *hate* my voice & my stupid laugh...but everyone seems to like it...WTF?! lolol *shrugs* We got off the phone when it was time for her gig in SL & I ran to the store for smokes. *sighs* Yeah...I just can't kick the habit at home yet! Bleh. When I got back...I went into SL for her gig. Sara was in SL! That was...umm...weird...heh! ;-p A simple convo going on, but...STILL...weird!! *sighs* Of course, *any* time I talk to her, it's weird. Whateva! I want the friendship where the pain doesn't always constantly linger. I'm realizing more & more that it doesn't really matter how much you care about someone, sometimes love just isn't enough to fix the hurt! It will always sorta be there, in the background somewhere. It's getting easier though...

So I stayed up with Jen til 7 am. LMAO! ;-p Then slept til 2 pm. LOL I'd been up for 26.5 hrs! *snorts* ;-p Has anything gotten accomplished today?! Hell no!! LOLOL And I want a nap now! haha

Long Weekend?! lol

Well, today was pretty much the day from Hell! lol I mean...no, not really but...sheesh! ;-p

Started out with Bastian waking me up by attacking my feet under the covers at 4:30 am! Seriously?! OMG what I wouldn't give to have a closet sometimes!! LMAO!! :D

At work, we were ALL out of it & moody...*snorts* Stacy was...I dunno what her problem was!! I think she just didn't want to be there PERIOD! Ugh. Reminded us of what she was like when she was going to school...which is coming up again in August...*sighs*. I stayed on counter most of the day. But it was my choice this time. There was WAY too much processing that needed to be done...& if I'd left it...it wouldn't have gotten done. :/ Towards the end of the day, Cindy offered to let me take tomorrow off. haha Don't really hafta tell me twice!! ;-p It bothers her that I don't get Saturdays off like everyone else does. *chuckles* It bothers me somewhat, too...but I really don't like them off cuz it makes for a super long week! Bleh! :/ Whatever...I'm too tired to pass it up right now! LOLOL But, of course, the stipulation for me having it off is that I SLEEP!! hahahaha I look like death warmed over most days now! *snickers* OH!! And Cindy gave me homework...*snorts*! She gave me several erotica advanced readers copies to go through & see if they'll be worth ordering or not. haha I'm to read them to Jen! *dies laughing* Yeah...NOT!!! hahahaha

After work, I made a Wal-Mart run. Have I mentioned how much I *HATE* Wal-Mart?!?! OMG...ok, well...now it's WORSE!!! FFS!!!!! They've started renovating the store & moving shit!!! Can't find anything now! And there's crap in the way everywhere! Grrr! But I got a George Foreman grill to cook the meats for this new diet I'm about to start. Not going into that much til I see if it's even gonna work (cuz nothing EVER has before!) Got a new floor-length mirror to replace the one Sebastian broke a while back.

I've got several chores to do since I have this long weekend now! lol Not that they'll get done! *smirks* We'll see... ;-p I've gotta run to Publix tomorrow to get food (for this diet thing).

You know...I always knew that being someone's "dirty little secret" sucked ass. But it's only NOW that I truly understand just how MUCH it sucked!! Jen doesn't hide much of anything. And it's incredibly refreshing... ;-)

Uhhh...

It's happening again. I'm slipping on my blog duties. That happens when I'm...content. Heh. *shrugs* I don't even really remember where I left off here (guess I shoulda looked, huh? lol)

Work has been...work. Couple weeks into the Room 4 project & I'm starting to hurt now (like I did with the Room 3 project). :/ But it's whatever. It's my life. lol

Speaking of work, today was a fluke! lol I just happened to get there at 8:45 cuz I left early to go get gas 1st. GOOD THING!! Nobody was there to open! Oops! lol We weren't sure what was up with Amanda (cuz she's been out last couple of days due to her mom being in the hospital with a couple minor strokes). Kelli was off & Cindy was going to this book binding class. Heh! Stacy got there at 9. Amanda showed up at 10. Lori got there...sometime...I dunno when. She doesn't make a difference on the counter so I never pay attention to her. Savannah came in, too, sometime in the afternoon. Cindy got back about 2:45 from the class. She'd come in around 9 to get some books to take with her to this class so when she got back, she let me & Stacy leave at 4. :-)

Stacy was pretty much freaked out all day!! :/ She ended up taking half of a Xanax--then she got loopy! Apparently, Friday night through Saturday night, her friend, Dana (he does most of the sound work at DaVinci's when live bands are playing) had a series of minor heart attacks. He was admitted to the hospital & yesterday, as they were doing a heart cath, he had another one! So...7:30 am this morning, he was undergoing quadruple by-pass. Everyone is just kinda sitting on pins & needles, waiting to see if he's gonna be ok. It's scary. He's only 50. But he's been lucky so far...I mean, he's STILL HERE!! Daddy had one major heart attack & was gone within hours. :-( Soooo...there is a plus in all of this!

Angel contacted me last night. It's been...WEEKS...since I've sat & talked with her! lol I've been...uhh...otherwise engaged! *snickers* ;-p She's all drama, all the time!! I think that's a really big reason why I was never attracted to her. But...listening to her last night...it dawned on me. I don't think I even *want* a poly lifestyle!!!! I mean...*sighs*...I had opened myself to the idea for Sara. And that worked out just wonderfully!! *snorts* But...I *like* just one other significant other. It's less drama & less stress!! Angel & her...*counts*...9 OTHERS...no lie...OMFG!! I can't keep up with them all. Gives me a headache just listening to her!! I guess, the bottom line is...I want to be *special* & I want someone to be *special* to me...not just another that has to be split between however many others there are. :/ I don't care what you say...when you divide your time & energy so many times, something gets lost along the way. It just DOES! Law of Physics...or some such shit. And, quite frankly, I've had ENOUGH of being 1/38 of what's important to someone else. It's not fun & it's certainly not rewarding! :-(

Off tomorrow. Gotta do laundry. I need to make some shopping lists---can't do shopping cuz I don't get paid til Friday...lol. Uhh...not sure there's really anything else that needs to be done! I need to start reading my book club book for this month.

Heh...the smoking thing. Yeah, umm...I've not actually gone a day without them yet. I have a few a day. I can get through work without them but when I get home...bleh!! I think it's the boredom factor. I'm not so much craving them...I just am wanting something to *do*. :/ I dunno...maybe I won't buy another pack & just suffer through the boredom...ughhh...I need to win lotto, dammit!!!!!

Moving Right Along...

I opened yesterday morning. Amanda was supposed to open with me but she overslept...lol! ;-p It was just me, Manda & Cindy yesterday (& Lori) but Cindy was gone most of the day. It was busy!! And WEIRD people!! lol Ugh...I've never been soooo happy to see 4 pm in my life!! HAHA When Manda & I left, Cindy still had prolly 10 people in the store! We just didn't care--we were both OVER it...haha.

Got home & chatted with Jen for a bit. Then I took a nap. 1) cuz I've not slept much all week & 2) I knew I'd be up all night with Jen! ;-) Slept about 3+ hours. I was up at 9:15 pm. Jen asked me to move in with her in SL...*giggles*. I just didn't realize she meant TONIGHT! haha While we'd been chatting, she was off buying land in SL. After I woke from my nap & got food...I went into SL for the night. The house is freaking AMAZING!!! :D She carried me over the threshold...*laughs*. That was too funny! ;-) She was djing last night & just before she was to go on, Lily came over to see the house...AND to have a chat with me! *snorts* She was too cute about that!! :D But...I hafta say...it made me feel REALLY good!! And...it helped me believe a little more about what's happening here. *grins*

I went to sleep around 7 am. lol Bastian had me up at 10 though. *sighs* I REALLY *need* to do chores (dishes, kitty litter, clean the bathroom, vacuum) but...ughhhh...I'm already wanting a nap now, at noon! lol And I've got a crapload of emails that I need to read through so I can figure some things out...haha. They've been sitting in my inbox for so long already! *chuckles* Nap...nap...responsibilities...NAP!! hehehehehe ;-p Jen will be up later & then I'll be totally screwed! *snorts* Nothing ever gets accomplished when she's around! *grins* Mom called a bit ago & asked me to come over for dinner tonight. Yeah...I don't like going over there when I hafta work the next day. I don't get home til 9 or so! :/ I dunno...we'll see. lol

*goes off to take a nap now*

State of Confusion...

Sara contacted me again last night. *drifts into thought* She has successfully pitched me into a state of confusion, deliriousness, wonder & questions aplenty!!! The part of me that is still *attached* to her...wants to think it was all true. But if it is, what does that even mean?? I can't speculate. That's what got us all in the mess to begin with!!! I'll take one day at a time...like I've done the last year & a half.

I was talking to Jen at the same time last night. She was not happy. :/ Everything that she said was valid & true!! And I'm well aware of it all. I just...this is a *force* that has no rhyme or reason to it & it's ALWAYS been that way!! *sighs* I don't know how else to describe it. And nobody ever gave me instructions on how to handle it. LOGICALLY...I know...I know...but logic doesn't apply here! :/ But I think the important thing here is that...Jen isn't in any kind of danger. I'm not going anywhere!! She makes me too happy for that to happen. I haven't been this happy in an extremely long time--I missed it too fucken much just to give it up on a whim! I'm treading softly between my rock & hard place. Nothing will happen overnight. And I'm smarter THIS time!! The only thing that will sway me at this point is ACTIONS!! Words simply don't cut it anymore...I've heard them all before...& look where it got me. :/ Sooo...time will tell. I'm not making any guesses or promises.

But what this situation does is make me *think*! Truly think about polyamory. Never in my life have I thought of myself as a possible candidate for poly until I was put into the situation! And though I've not truly experienced it yet...I'm open to the IDEA of it. Under certain circumstances!! For a long time now, this has been my stance on it. But I knew I'd have to experience it 1st before I truly know. But here's the thing...now...right now...what's rushing around in my head is...can it be true?? Can I really be wired this way?! Because...I am *stuck* between a rock & a hard place right NOW. Between someone I have loved utterly & completely for years ... and ... someone who IS everything I always *thought* I wanted in a partner!! I can't foresee the future with Jen so all of this may be a bit premature. But I like to mentally prepare for this kind of shit so that it doesn't entirely knock me for a loop when it happens! ;-p Anyway...back to my thoughts...what if...what if I don't have to CHOOSE?! Because as it stands, right here at this very moment...I CAN'T give my heart to Jen...no matter how much I WANT to! The rest of me is totally ready & willing & enjoying every second of it!!!! The heart is dragging it's feet. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about that...other than to let it branch off in different directions when it needs to...*ponders*

So I think Jen was a bit worried last night. :/ She doesn't need to be!! But...still. I think she was & it prompted her to create something for me! :D I got it this morning. And, yes, it made me cry. For more than one reason! Heh. ;-) She truly is ME...ahahahaha!! This is the kinda shit I used to do! *laughs* I was HER...once upon a time. It's scary sometimes to see it coming back at me now...*laughs*. But, most of all, she makes me *remember* what it was like to be that person...& that makes me smile! :D

On the Edge...

Today...has SUCKED MY ASS!!!!!! Mostly.

I went to bed on time last night...heh. Not that it made much of a difference! I slept more than I did the night before but still didn't sleep well. Sebastian woke me about 4 different times, I think. :/

Worked in Room 4 again today. Sara called me. Then texted me to answer so she could talk. Told her I was at work...so the texts started. Started out fine. I was a little...WTF?!...but I was willing to do whatever she needed. Even offered to leave work for a few minutes so I could do this for her! Soon as I sent that offer, she texted me back with all this BS about how I'm always nasty to her, she's not good enough to be considered a friend, that I take every opportunity to hurt her back. Blah, blah, blah. All I heard out of her was..."Me, me, me!!" Are you fucken kidding me?!?! I think she's lost her fucken mind!!! FIRST OF ALL, you don't ask someone for a favor & then jump down their throat!!! I spent the rest of the afternoon contemplating on even doing what she asked!! Just because of *this*. Secondly, this is MY blog!!!! HELLO?! That means it's about *me*...Other people who affect ME will be discussed but it's not about them...it's about ME!!! Get a fucken clue & get over yourself already. Wow. I don't write in MY blog to benefit her or even stab at her. I write in MY blog about my thoughts & feelings. Seriously?! That totally blew my mind!! She apologized for it, saying she'd had a rough morning. Really?? And I CARE why when I've had a rough year & a half!!!! I care even less because of the way it all went down. I did her fucken favor. I shouldn't have!! She doesn't deserve it, at this point. But it has never ever been my intention to purposefully try to hurt her! My only intention has been trying to survive this hell she has put me through. I should've just left everything the way it was...to finally make her accusations correct. After all, she made her bed...it's about time she figures out how to lay in it...

All of this being said...the reason behind it is that, apparently, Ben has been snooping my blog. Surprise, surprise. He'd crawl up her fucken asshole, if he could! Pathetic piece of shit!! So here's a shout out to you, Ben, when you snoop again: GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU USELESS BOIL ON THE ASS OF HUMANITY!!! And, no, Sara...I will NOT ever edit this right here! He fucked up MY world. He fucked you up, as well. Cuz you act JUST like him sometimes! You deal with him...I am NOT a part of this in any form or fashion!! This has absolutely NOTHING to do with me whatsoever but, yet...I have to censor MY BLOG for him...& you...??? No. I did it once. Never again...

Needless to say, this drama...put me in quite the foul mood. *SIGHS* But then...Jen woke up & started texting me & all was right with the world again. :-) Sorta. Meh. :/ I'm still irritated as hell! *sighs* But Jen nailed it..her response to a slight description of the morning's drama..."she's a dumb non-deserving cunt". ;-p AHAHAHA!! Stacy whole-heartedly agreed! *smirks* Yes, she got to me. She hurt me. She pissed me off. But...now...I'm OVER it! I blogged about it...in MY blog...cuz...fuck me!! THAT'S WHAT IT'S HERE FOR!! o.0

Ehhh...changing the subject...today is my last day of being able to smoke (mebbies!) Err...well, we'll see what happens anyway! ;-p I may hafta start drinking more...hahaha...so I can live up to that accusation, as well! *snorts* WTFever...dude! *rolls eyes*

I was taking flats of excess into the garage just before closing when I tripped over some empty boxes Savannah left in the middle of the floor...successfully knocking over a stack of boxes that were on the cart! FUCK!!! That HURT!! :-( So I left at 4:45 cuz I was just *totally* over this day all together!! That was the last straw for me...

A Jumble...

### = edited by request

################################################################### I have NO problem being her friend. I have EVEN LESS of a problem being her acquaintance. She's the one that can't manage it, apparently. *shrugs* Whatever.

Was up til 1 am last night with Jen. lol Yeah, I know better! haha But...*chuckles*. I was still awake after 2 am. 3:30...Bastian decided it was time to play! He was playing again at 5 so I just got up. :/ I'd already resigned myself to the fact I'd be stuck on counter today since Amanda & Stacy were both off. But Kelli surprised me...she let me go back to my Room 4 Project instead & her & Cindy handled the front all day. Which is good...cuz I *hate* being on the counter on a GOOD day, nevermind running on zero sleep! ;-p

I've seen this in action a few times before today but today it became REALLY apparent!! LMAO!!! Jen has me beat on the ability to remember details! ;-p I've always been able to remember the stupidest details about shit. I used to drive Sara crazy with that cuz she can't remember SHIT about *anything*! hahaha It annoyed me greatly, too. Heh. Well...little Miss Jen...is remembering details that...I have been totally slacking on! *snorts* I mean...I'm not forgetting anything but...dayam...hahaha...she's got the details DOWN! ;-p It's funny as hell. Truly it is. I'm *SO* getting my Karma Payback with her! *giggles*

I left work a few minutes before 5. Ran by Publix to get chips & dip for the book club meeting tonight. Came home for about an hour. I didn't want to leave again. Just wanted to curl up & snooze! hehehe But I went. Food was good. We had very little book discussion! Not that I read last month's selections anyway! Both were parts of series that I'm not up to date on. When the discussion turned to politics & the healthcare system...I was outta there! I don't DO politics, in ANY fashion...nevermind when I'm getting dirty texts from Jen & all I wanna do is curl up & sleep! *laughs* She's at work tonight. ;-) Shit...I dunno if I'm even still gonna be awake when she gets home. :/ But I'm gonna give it a shot...

Partners!!

Sooooo...last night was...*awesomely amazing*!! Heh. :-) I didn't go to bed til 7 am this morning--up with Jen all night! Got up at 2:15 & am now doing laundry! Bleh. Dunno that anything else will get done today...haha. ;-p

I took about an hour nap last night when I got home from work cuz I knew...I KNEW that I'd most likely be up all night. *grins* 1st, they were throwing a birthday party for her friend, Lily in SL. So we started off with that. Jen asked me to partner with her right after I got in! Heh. I won't go into details but..."partnering" in there was always...hmmm...*special* to me! :D After Lily's party at the house, Jen had to DJ so we went there til after 2 am. Then...we had about 4 hours just to ourselves!! *grins*

Jen is...wow. Heh. Hmmm. She is breaking through all of my walls. Slowly. Being with her is showing me how things are *supposed* to be in a relationship! Being with her is also showing me just how MUCH of my true self I had to bury & ignore being with Sara (because those things didn't matter to her). I have been numb & totally void of all emotions for about a year or so now & these emotions are now bubbling back up to the top with Jen. It's painful. :/ I'd gotten so used to not feeling anything!! *sighs* But, I guess, all change is like that...you can't grow without growing pains. Meh. I was crying this morning, talking with Jen. Crying because I'm realizing how much of *ME* has been dead for so long. And how incredibly stupid I've been to give my love to someone who doesn't appreciate it in the least! *sighs* She can't even fucken manage a friendship!! You'd think I'd realize that by now & QUIT waiting for her! So...now...I truly have. If she wants to chat, she'll be able to find me. But I'm gonna go back to being me & being me with someone who appreciates it! I am still fighting my heart to not FALL for Jen just yet. But it's coming!! She's gotta remove a few more bricks from the wall 1st but...it's there...

It's *OFFICIAL*!!

hahaha Soooo...yeah...Jen got home from work last night & we hung out. ;-) Made it *OFFICIAL*...ha! ;-) We're now girlfriends. Even have her tagged on my FB relationship status! Hmmm...funny...I was a little concerned about that but, so far...there's been ZERO fallout from me putting her there! But...I've really gotten to the point in my life now where...if someone has a problem with it...they can just fuck off! This is *my* life...I don't need anyone's approval! Angel though...is a little upset about it. *sighs* I like her well enough as a friend but she can be really annoying & well...I simply was never attracted to her at all! :/ I stayed up with Jen til 5:30 am, took 1 of the muscle relaxers that Manda gave me. Just as I was getting ready to pass out, it was Bastian's playtime so I didn't actually get to sleep til sometime after 6! lol

Got up at 1:45 pm...*smirks* I slept. I mean *really* slept (better than normal night's sleep) but I don't think the muscle relaxer did anything for me besides that. I was hurting when I got up. :/

I have GOT to do dishes!! Now would be the time to do it. I have to get up 1st though...lol. ;-p Thunderboomers are getting ready to start. Same time, different day...welcome to FL!! haha

7/14...

So...umm...yeah...it's 7/14, by the way!! o.0 It turned out to be not such a big deal this year. *shrugs* I didn't realize the date til I'd been at work for a bit. The date dawned on me a couple of times after that, too...again...no big deal. Just a flash of memory & then it was gone again. I'm only blogging about it cuz...I'd already built it up to be like the last 2 anniversaries were...complete torture!! :/

Mom showed up at the store this afternoon. Brought Bastian this little yellow duckie that quacks by motion sensory! haha She didn't tell me she was coming & I was just working away in Sci Fi. I'd just grabbed a stack of hardbacks to move & around the corner, a paperback fell on the floor. I looked at it quizzically for a moment & then went to put my hardbacks away. As I was doing that, another paperback flew off the shelf just around the corner form me & that's when I thought I had ghosts!! LOL Then she comes around the corner, laughing! ;-p Damn duckie is already annoying me!! Quacked all the way home & Bastian hasn't even gotten to see it yet! LOL I'll give it to him later & video it. :-)

Got off of work & went over to Amanda's. She gave me some muscle relaxers (we'll just see if they happen to help any!) & we had "coffee"...lol. "Coffee" is the slang term used in our group for pot. ;-p My 2nd time doing it. Still not a big deal but made me EFFIN sleepy, dude!! hahahaha I'm ok now though (sorta)...now I'm just bored! *smirks* 1st night that Jen has had to go to work since we hooked up...& I'm bored!! hahahahaha That's just funny. I've been complaining about how I've not been able to get ANYTHING accomplished...hehehe...cuz of hanging out with her every night! lol I'm gonna watch a movie, I think. Maybe I should nap?! She's gonna wanna be up all night cuz I'm off tomorrow...haha.

How'd THAT Happen?!?! o.0

Ok, so yesterday pretty much sucked. And the 14th is holding the promise of sucking. EXCEPT...hahaha...something has *happened*. ;-p

Last night, about 7:30 pm, I got an email notice from the Studio (SL) in email. Jen was calling for a staff meeting at 9. Since it wasn't supposed to last long...I figured...what the hell!! So I went. Once it was over though...*laughs*...I was getting ready to leave & Jen started making the moves on me! WTF?!?! hahahahaha We've been FB friends for months & months now & never been anything more than joking around. *snorts* To say I was shocked...would be an understatement! hahaha But, for whatever reason...I played along with her. ;-) But...me thinks...she may not be *playing*! Come to find out, she orchestrated the whole meeting to get me inworld! haha She's been trying to come up with a plan for a couple of weeks now...*smirks* I...uhh...kinda got a girlfriend at this point...*laughs*. OMG...she's ME!! Erm...rather she's the ME that I *used* to be! :/ I dunno what this is but...I'm just gonna let it play itself out. We played in Yahoo this morning before I went to work. When I got home, I went in SL with her for several hours. *chuckles* I'm still listening to her personal stream (she DJs inworld, too). :-) This is fun. I *remember* this...feeling. Heh. Though it's not as intense as it *should* be...part of my whole numb/lack of feelings I've been dealing with the last several months, I'm sure. *sighs* Plus, I'm trying to figure out her game...since it all came completely out of the blue!! :/ Perhaps she'll prove to me that not everyone is a game player...

OH!!! *dies laughing* The BEST part of it all...she's...freaking 20 years old!! ROFL!!!! I have been giving Sara TOTAL SHIT for her 21 year old boy toy!!! AHAHAHA...CRAP!!! Well...hell...there goes that! Bleh!! *snorts & dies laughing again*

7/11...

7/11/07...3 years ago today...the day that was the beginning of the end for me. The day Lynny introduced me to Sara in SL. 7/14...will be an even WORSE date to get through though. That was the date i originally submitted to Her. *sighs*

I only just realized that...this *date* has probably subconsciously been wreaking havoc with my soul. I knew the date(s) were coming up...but it wasn't something that I was going to consciously DEAL with!! So...instead...my body & soul have been reacting to it subtlety. It's why I've wanted to do NOTHING but sleep! If I'm asleep...I'm not thinking!! :/ And so, of course, I've gotten absolutely nothing accomplished today--except sleep! Was up at 8:45 this morning but was out again by 11:30. Didn't get up til 4 pm. It's just after 6 & I am ready to go back to sleep! :/ I see now that this is gonna be a total shit week!! Even though I'm not actively dealing with the emotions...my body is still going through the emotions. If EVER I wanted time to just fly by...that would be *now*...

TGISN!!!!

TGISN = Thank Gawd It's Saturday Night!! hahahahaha

It's been a hella long week! :/ I have issues doing 5 days in a row anyway--especially when I'm working on a project! My body isn't fully recovered from the Room 3 Project (not sure that it ever will be! lol) & I've been reorganizing Sci Fi all week (with the exception of Wed when Stacy & I ran the store alone).

Plus, Nixon has been visiting & it's been a really bad one this go around! Been really weak, light-headed, nauseous, *emotional* (ACK!!!) & utterly exhausted! :/ Most days, I've felt like I've been on the brink of passing out...been too hot back there in the corner where the a/c doesn't circulate. And the last 2 days, all I've wanted to do is just SLEEP! Bleh. We were closing at 4 today anyway but by 2:30, I just couldn't take it any longer. I was OVER it...completely! So I came home. Napped from 4-7 pm...lol. Now I'm thinking...finally got caught up on FB...time for a movie! Amanda gave me a book she wants me to read. Maybe I'll start it after the movie.

Tomorrow is blessed Sunday! :D But I've GOT to do some cleaning! Really. I can't slack off on doing it. hehehe We'll see what happens though! *snorts* I've got SIBA emails to go through (they've been sitting in my inbox since Wed already!) The Furry One has been super needy the last few days so I need to have some quality playtime with him. :/ I need to clip his nails, too! And mine...HAHAHA! ;-p So much to do...so little time to do it! :/ Did I mention...I just wanna SLEEP?! *sighs*

I Just Don't Get It...

No matter...how *MUCH* I want to be closed off, evasive, distanced, protective of my own being...I dunno...the MOMENT I get to talk to her...I am *immediately* transported to another place & time when I felt alive, warm & fuzzy...I felt...COMPLETE...& WHOLE. *sighs & cries* It doesn't matter that the conversation isn't about "us". I don't want it to be about us...really! It's about Ben. Or about Andy (that *still* hurts). It's about whatever. It simply doesn't matter...cuz I am whole for those few minutes regardless. :/ And it only just dawned on me tonight...that is WHY I keep giving her chance after chance to be a part of my life. I crave that fucken misguided, stupid-ass *feeling*. Even though I know, without a doubt in my mind, that it won't last. And when she *forgets* that I exist...that I will wait...through the torture...for her to remember again. I guess the key is...to figure out how to curb that intense feeling from happening. I'm gonna hafta think on that one...

But, for now, I'm going to bed. Stacy & I are opening again in the morning. 2 more days & it'll be Sunday! Yay!! It's already been a long week. :/

Oh, Yeah...

I just hafta add...

On a *good*...BUSY day...with a FULL crew...we pull in $1000. As nerve wracking as it was, me & Stacy...the 2 LOW men on the totem pole...pulled in over $1000 today!! ahahahaha For those that truly *understand* what a BUSY day for us is...we did a fucken damn good job today!! :D

Looooooong Day!!

I had just woken up this morning when I got a text. You *KNOW* when you get texts at 5;15 am, it's NOT GOOD NEWS!! Ugh. Was Kelli. She's sick. And Amanda & Cindy were off today. Soooo...me & Stacy opened AND closed! Ack. It was fine until Cindy dropped by for a visit & then it went nuts & pretty much stayed that way the rest of the day! :/ Claire came in & put flats away. Savannah came in, too. We could've done without her being there though. It just made for an extremely long ass day! *sighs*

Day of Recovery...

Got up at 8:45 this morning. I didn't really sleep too well last night. I wasn't really feeling all that well when I went to sleep. Kind of nauseous & my head was *still* pounding pretty bad (combination of almost no caffeine all day, all the banging & smoke from the fireworks, alcohol, & not eating til 11 pm! lol)

I got up & did 2 loads of laundry. Then I planned on going to Wal-Mart...but I changed my mind! haha Have I mentioned I *hate* going in there?! *smirks* But there is NO other alternative! :/ *sighs* But...I can still put it off for a day or 2. Heh.

I had half of a leftover rib for lunch!! LOL Holy hell...I've STILL got 4 more servings of ribs left! ;-p the baked beans though...are now gone!! haha

Went into SL for about an hour. Jen was having the Grand Opening of the photo studio & she wanted as many of the models to be there as possible. After an hour, I was bored to death! :/ I only knew Jen! haha Me & strangers don't get along so well! ;-p So I left...

So then I napped from 4-8 pm! ACK!! :-( Yeah...I'm paying for that now! However, I took some sleeping pills so hopefully that'll counter it a little bit & I'll go to bed at a semi-decent hour.

I JUST NOW remade my bed with the clean sheets from today...hahahaha!!! Yeah...I was starting to wonder if I was even gonna put em back on today! *snorts & laughs* Today has been really low-key & I am just...TIRED. Having 2+ days off in a row is SUPER nice but...ehh...it makes for a horribly long week ahead! :/ I won't be off again til Sunday.

Sara texted me a happy 4th greeting yesterday around 5:30 pm. Of course, I didn't even SEE it til 12:15 am, when I got home!! haha Phone was in my purse which was nowhere near me alllllll evening!! Oops...oh, well. :/ Meh...she prolly didn't even notice! After all, she was never the one concerned with whether she got responses (timely or at all) even. I always feel *obligated* to respond to her as quickly as possible. It's just one of *those* stupid "rules" that comes along with the D/s territory for me. :/

Bastian has gotten sick 3 times in the last few minutes now!! :-( He's starting to worry me. It's all bile--nothing is actually coming up. And he never does that! *sighs* Hopefully he'll feel better in a few minutes...

4th of July...

I got up at 10:30 this morning, to my phone beeping...lol! Texts from Amanda & Stacy. Amanda giving me directions to Dan's parents' & Stacy telling me they were doing their thing today, after all. That's when I decided I'd go hang out with Stacy...even though she said it'd take 10 hrs to smoke the ribs...hahaha!! So I messed around on FB the rest of the morning, cleaned kitty litter, did the dishes, took a shower & finally got over to Ryan's at about 3:45. Me & Stacy went to get some fireworks, beer & Woodchuck's (for me). Was back at the house long enough for one Woodchuck & decided we needed bug spray (Off!) & I needed cooler clothing than what I had on. So I ran to CVS for the Off & then home to change & then back over to the house. We just hung out then, listening to music, talking, doing some of the fireworks. One of Stacy's sisters, Ashley, & her boyfriend, Ryan (too! lol) dropped by around 10 pm. Shot some more fireworks. Finally the food was ready & Ashley & Ryan left. We ate, played around a little bit longer & then it was midnight & we were all whipped...lol. They sent me home with leftovers. I have enough ribs to last me a month!! LMAO But...OMG...it was so delicious!! Which...surprised me. I've tried ribs a couple of times before & have never liked them! ;-)

Tomorow...is laundry. And a *possible* Wal-Mart run. Definitely laundry...Wal-Mart may hafta wait! lolol I hate going there...*sighs*

I need to sleep so I can get up at a decent time...to do laundry...hahaha...ack! I'm tired as hell but still wound up! :/

Another Long Weekend...

We were only open from 9 am-2 pm today. WooHoo! :-) AND...we're closed on Monday!!! hahaha Judy woulda NEVER done that! ;-p

After work, I went & got my hair done...FINALLY! Ha! The cut was what I wanted but she didn't do the color like I wanted. I wanted the all-over auburn with bold blonde highlights (like I had it last summer). Instead...she blended both colors...so that it's auburn with subtle streaks. But...it's COOL! I really like it! :-) She styled it straight--my hair is naturally curly & is NEVER straight...haha!! But Stacy says she's gonna teach me how to straighten it. *smirks* Yeah, I spend less than 5 minutes on my hair...so we'll see! ;-p

Amanda has been inviting me (for a couple of weeks now) out to Dan's parents' farm for the 4th. There's supposed to be a huge mass of people there all day & then they're doing a bunch of fireworks when it gets dark. Although most of the people that will be there, I already know...meh...I know OF them really & am not entirely comfortable around them. So...*shrugs*...I dunno. Then today, Kelli mentioned she may be going out to Judy's timeshare on the beach & I could go with her. That's tempting. I dunno who all would be going--she almost made it sound like it'd just be her. Then I get home & mom has messaged me, inviting me over for burgers & to watch Tooth Fairy (which I've already seen--TOO cute!! haha) THEN...just a bit ago, Stacy started texting me & inviting me over to Ryan's for BBQ. The only thing with her's though, is she's not sure if it'll be tomorrow or Monday yet. I'd lean more towards going to Stacy's than anyone else. I know her peeps & am comfortable around them (well, as comfortable as I get anyway...haha) Soooo...I STILL have no idea what I'm gonna be doing!! *snorts* It'll be a spur of the moment decision, I suppose...whoever contacts me 1st! ;-p

Bleh...so...umm...I've gotta quit smoking again. :/ Not because I *want* to & not *FOR* somebody (like it was the last time)...but cuz I simply can't afford it! *sighs* I've been buying them online but, apparently, Congress passed the PACT Act, which prohibits tobacco products from being mailed!! FUCK ME!! Argh!! *sighs heavily* I was getting them online for HALF the cost I can buy them at a store. Fucken ridiculous, dude! :/ Whatever. But...I'm not gonna quit cold turkey like I did last time & totally jack up my system. I'm gonna wean myself off of them this time.

Amanda really hit the nail on the head the other day...it's taken me a year & a half to regain some semblance of a "life" back. She says she's been watching me opening up, venturing out, doing new things, going out with peeps...over the last year. I can't let myself regress now! And that's exactly what'll happen if I don't stand up for myself & be honest with Sara about what I need. The bond that we had...isn't the same. I can't go back to where I was. Even though, somewhere...deep, deep inside...I *know* it's still there & can be called upon at any given time...She broke it by failing to do Her *job* of protecting me & taking care of me. I don't owe her any more effort on my part. Mine is there...ready & willing...but it's being protected by ME right now. She's the one that has to regain the trust & respect. I can't do it for her & I can't just blindly give it to her...cuz when I do...it'll be MY fault then--whatever happens next. I will be allowing her to hurt me. I guess I always DID allow it anyway. *shrugs* But I was blind & stupid in love with her...I had no ability to control anything. :/ *sighs* I wish my brain had a fucken delete button so I didn't have to deal with this...

SL Murder Mystery...

So I only slept from maybe 1 am-5am last night. Any guesses why? :/ *sighs*

Got to work at 9 am...wondered where the hell everybody was...got inside & Kelli reminded me it was Friday! LOL I didn't technically hafta be there til 10! HA! Oh, well...no biggie...I left at 5! ;-)

Got home, did a bit of FB & then dozed from 6:30 pm til 8 pm. Had to get up so I could go in SL to do that research study/murder mystery game! It was fun but I was lagging terribly...made it a bit frustrating...haha.

Sara contacted me...finally...last night. It's been 3 weeks. I don't know what to make of the convo. I simply stated what I feel but I don't think she gets it. Even though she agrees that friendship is a 2-way street...I don't think she *gets* it. Our "friendship" is solely based on whenever she remembers to make contact. It's always on her terms, only things that ever matter is whatever is going on in her world...I can't contact her. A) I'm petrified of Ben. B) She won't respond back anyway. I just...I've FINALLY gotten to the place where I'm tired of constantly being jerked around at her whim. I still respond immediately to her. And I just can't take it anymore when she's gonna disappear or just toy with me. I don't understand why she can't understand that. Instead...it's ME wanting her to contact me daily! *SIGHS* The same old story of the past 3 years! I always told her I didn't need daily contact--I STILL don't! What I DO need is...if we're to have *any* kind of relationship...I need to be able to trust her. I need to be able to trust her NOT to hurt me. I need to be able to trust her NOT to yank me around. I need to be able to trust her when she says something. Bottom line is...I DON'T TRUST HER! :/ And I can't learn to because she's never around. I can't just take what she says at face value, not talk to her for a month & be able to pick up right where we left off. And yet...this will all be me being passive aggressive, if you ask her about it...fuck me...*SIGHS*

Ack...

She fucken called me "kit"...*head aches*

Cindy's Surprise!!

So I napped between 1 & 3 pm. Didn't want to get up at all when the alarm went off! :/ Even toyed with the idea of skipping the party so I could sleep...but then I remembered I had the gift! LOL Oops! So I got up at 3:15...still very reluctant! ;-p

Followed Kelli out to Cindy's house. Mike, Claire & Todd have been in cahoots for over a week to throw this surprise birthday party for Cindy. We got there around 5:30 & we all parked in the back so she wouldn't be able to see any cars. Mike had picked her up at the store at 5 to take her to dinner. He got to the house at about 6:30--she was SUPPOSED to be right behind him! Instead, she went to Goodwill to shop for books, then dropped them off at the store. After 3 phone calls & us all waiting around for almost 2 hours...hahahaha...she gets home around 7:30!!! I caught her "SURPRISE" on video!! It's freaking classic, dude!! :D We had hamburgers, chips & dip, hot dogs, drinks (though I only drank Coke). Cake was super YUM & it turned your mouth blue/black from the icing!! LOL I didn't know this...but as we were heading out...I followed everyone following Mike into the garage...lol. Amanda & Stacy & Claire already knew what was up but I...was innocent! *chuckles* So...umm...yeah...I smoked pot for the very 1st time in my life with Mike, Claire, Amanda, Stacy, Kelli, Rob (& another guy I don't know his name). lol Didn't affect me AT ALL...but most people say that about your 1st time anyway. *shrugs*

So now I'm home--wide awake. New store hours started today so for the rest of the summer, I'll be going in at 9 instead of 9:30.

Wow! :-)

Before work, yesterday morning, I noticed that almost the entire parking lot at Sears was taped off with yellow Police tape & there were several cops scattered around. I had no clue what was going on til I got to work. Apparently, a man had shot himself in his car in the parking lot there & they'd discovered him around 7:15 am. That was a little bit disturbing...seeing as it's 5 minutes away from my house! :/

Then later at work, Cindy & I were outside, having a smoke. She started telling me that she wants me to go to SIBA this year! hahaha SIBA (Southern Independent Booksellers Association) has a major trade show somewhere in the South every year. This year, it's in Daytona. One of the days is going to have dedicated classes/discussions on Internet Marketing & since I am her computer geek...LMAO...she wants me to go! ;-) It's being held Sept. 24-26 so it's still a ways off. We'll see what happens, I guess...but I was still flattered! *chuckles*

I *officially* met the neighbors last night. haha I've been speaking with the man pretty much since they've been there. We speak every morning & night basically. I've seen the wife & daughter several times but never spoken to them. I actually met the daughter, Samantha. She's probably 14 or so. AND...I met Biscuit!! AHAHAHAHAHA Little Jack Russell/Bichon mix pup...TOO freaking cute!! He was sitting at the fence, watching me. Finally, he asked, the next time I went out, if Biscuit could come over...I said sure! lol Biscuit got ALL excited! *giggles*

I was gonna go get my hair done today, make Wal-Mart & Publix trips...but...I think I've changed my mind! Even though I slept from midnight til 8, I'm so freaking sleepy right now, I can't handle myself! :/ Guess I'll just nap til I hafta get ready to go out tonight. I can't talk about what's happening tonight yet...LOL ;-p

I haven't seen Ariel in DAYS!!! :-( I miss her little constant talking butt! :/ She was never really staying here--she'd just come in for visits, long enough to piss Sebastian off! lol

Sara has been totally MIA. No more on & off on Yahoo (she's put herself invisible to me, too, now, apparently). Not been any action on FB either. No texts. Nothing. And...it's fine. *sighs* I will always miss her, I suppose, but, at least, this way...I'm not constantly torn into shreds by her games. :/ It's terribly sad that she can't grasp the concept of friendship...but I've done all that I can in the last 3 years. It's time for me to stop trying. She was my last hold-out. Everyone else that's treated me dirty, I've walked away from without a glance back. Except for her. I think it was a combination of things that finally got me to make a decision. When she "flirted" that night & then the next night told me she only did it cuz she was drinking...& the turmoil that ensued...it felt WAY too "familiar" & it fucken scared me to death!! Then I watched Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist a couple of days later...what I took from that movie was this: when the opportunity presents itself...rid yourself of those people who constantly abuse you! And that pretty much did it. That's when I started blocking her from stuff. I'm *STILL* here...I will probably always still be here (somewhere)...but I can't let her suck me back in again! Not for the games. I'm so over that! If she decides she TRULY wants to be friends & will actually commit herself to it...I will be ecstatic. But not until then...