I Just Don't Get It...

No matter...how *MUCH* I want to be closed off, evasive, distanced, protective of my own being...I dunno...the MOMENT I get to talk to her...I am *immediately* transported to another place & time when I felt alive, warm & fuzzy...I felt...COMPLETE...& WHOLE. *sighs & cries* It doesn't matter that the conversation isn't about "us". I don't want it to be about us...really! It's about Ben. Or about Andy (that *still* hurts). It's about whatever. It simply doesn't matter...cuz I am whole for those few minutes regardless. :/ And it only just dawned on me tonight...that is WHY I keep giving her chance after chance to be a part of my life. I crave that fucken misguided, stupid-ass *feeling*. Even though I know, without a doubt in my mind, that it won't last. And when she *forgets* that I exist...that I will wait...through the torture...for her to remember again. I guess the key is...to figure out how to curb that intense feeling from happening. I'm gonna hafta think on that one...

But, for now, I'm going to bed. Stacy & I are opening again in the morning. 2 more days & it'll be Sunday! Yay!! It's already been a long week. :/