BRRRR!!!!!

Ok, so...I've been using this old radiator space heater that Judy had given me when it 1st started being cold. It's worked fine, for the most part. Except when it's gotten REALLY cold, it didn't really heat the place up--just took a bit of the nip out of the air. But...it was doable!

I had noticed the other day that 1 of the wheels was looking like it was about to fall off. Though...I'm not sure WHY! Sebastian never bothered it & it stayed in the same place the whole time (not like I've been moving it around the apt or anything). Anyway, Friday morning when I came out of the shower, it was laying on its side, on the floor--the wheel had come off! So I picked it up, put the wheel back on & turned it off cuz I was about to leave for work anyway. It warmed up considerably during the day Friday so when I got home, it was a little nippy in here but not bad. It had started to actually get chilled by the time I was ready to go to bed so I turned the heater on & went to sleep. Ooooook!! So I get up yesterday morning &...BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Egads!! It was freaking cold in here!! I had to wear my jacket! lol Taking a shower was an adventure! ;-p The heater was putting out ZERO heat! So I just turned it off. Messaged my mom about it cuz she has 1 she uses in her bathroom that she loves so I wanted to know where she got it. I had looked at Wal-Mart before...when it got cold the 1st time & before Judy gave me this one...& didn't see any like hers. They have them online at Wal-Mart but she thinks she actually got hers at Lowes. So the plan was for me to come get hers when I got off work & then order the one online. That was the plan! LOL Mom showed up at the book store around 2ish & brought me hers. haha She'd never been in the store so I showed her around for a bit. It was an absolute ZOO yesterday so I ended up having to abandon her to wander by herself for a while. When I got home, I plugged this one in & it was 56 degrees in here!! Ha! Damn it, Boy! ;-p And that was from being warmed up during the day! Mom had also sent me a message on FB that she'd already ordered the new heater! Sheesh. lol And...I actually got hot during the night! LOVE THIS HEATER!! :D

I'm so tired. Worked 5 days straight, off today but today isn't really an OFF day (got way too much shit to do)...then I work M-F this week. BUT...once I get through that...I'm off Sat, Sun & Mon! WOW!! Mini vacation! lol But...man...I've got so much shit to do today! :/ Doing a load of laundry now. Gotta do kitty litter, vaccuum, clean the bathroom, dishes, & I need to go to Wal-Mart & Publix. Ugh. I just wanna sleep...

I am depressed. I realize that. It's become a constant state of being. And because I'm not talking about it...it makes it worse. But whatever. I see how I'm better than I was even a couple of months ago but not over it...not by a long shot. I seriously doubt that I ever will be. I lost my entire world. That leaves a gaping wound that cannot possibly heal. No matter what...but...ahh...yeah...*sighs*

Ear Drops...

He made it look *SO* simple...

Umm...yeah...apparently...ear drops & kittehs don't go so well together!! I think there was more on me than in his ears!! :/

I'm crashing real quick. Not even 10 yet. Could be the less than 4 hrs of sleep. Could be the really long day at work. Could be my "dark cloud". Could be...

No REST For the Wicked!

It has been a BUSY 2 days off!! Not the way I had planned it AT ALL!! lol Oh, well. Whatever. ;-p

Yesterday morning, I get up & am on FB. Mom messages me, tempting me with pie to come over. LOL Ok, yeah, but see...not just ANY pie! These pies she used to make when I was little. We'd have them for Thanksgiving & Xmas. Cherry or blueberry cream cheese. It's cream cheese, powdered sugar & cool whip for the filling & whatever topping. I always preferred the blueberry. ;-) So she says she's making some, asks if I want to come over. I had already decided to procrastinate with doing laundry even though I needed to this week but she suggests I can do laundry. lol So...fine. I get over there just before noon. Start my 1 load of laundry & then we go to Food Lion cuz...now I'm invited to stay for dinner. lol Gotta get roast for dinner. haha We come back & play a couple games of Gin while the roast is cooking. Now...I'm not stupid & I know she's not stupid. I KNOW she's known I was smoking again. I mean, it's obvious! You can't miss the smell. But...I never admitted it, she never asked & I certainly didn't do it front of her! LOL I dunno...I could just hear the lecture & I wanted no part of it so I hid it...sorta. So...after the last card game & before dinner is ready she makes the comment that I can smoke out on the patio. LMAO!! Yeah...awkward! haha But NO lecture so it was fine! ;-) By the time dinner was over, it was dark so I head home cuz I don't see so well at night. :/ I get home & Sebastian & I snuggle & watch a couple of movies.

Then today...yeah, I wanted today to be unproductive since yesterday I was gone all day. Well, that didn't really happen either. I played on FB a bit after I got up, then took a shower cuz I was gonna hafta take Sebastian to the vet this afternoon. After that, I did kitty litter, the dishes, finished hanging up laundry from yesterday, the trash (tomorrow is trash day), & then started getting Sebastian ready to go to the vet.

The Vet. UGH!! See...I was sooooooo NOT looking forward to this little rendezvous!! Sebastian is so freakishly spazmatic when people come over here that I could just IMAGINE him acting like a ping pong ball in the vet's office & destroying the place! So much so was I worried about this that I made myself sick! :/ So I get him in his carrier, put his bear in there with him (for comfort)...he was not happy! Cried all the way to the office. We get there & he is literally just shaking like a leaf!! I felt SO BAD!!! My heart was just breaking but I was petrified, too...afraid of how he was gonna act once he was taken out of the carrier. So Dr Smith comes in & he has his little assistant with him. They are handling him while we talk. Sebastian is cowering but he is NOT acting out. I'm shocked at this point. lol So he checked his teeth. Says he's got his Big Boy teeth now & they look really new & in good shape so 99% sure that's what the crunching/grinding/bleeding was all about...he was losing his baby teeth! WHEW! He only found 1 flea on him & he was nearly dead BUT he has tapeworms (cuz of being infested with the fleas a while back) so he got a pill for that. He has earmites. I got drops for that, which I'll administer tomorrow (I'm sure I'll end up with more on me than in his freaking ears! lol) Now...here's the AMAZING part!!! I was telling the dr about the little pooch on his belly (like cats get once they've been neutered). He started rubbing his belly, turned him over on his back & felt around...& he JUST LAID THERE!!! Even shut his eyes!! He won't lay on his back even for ME! I think my chin hit the floor. lol And, actually, the dr said he was a bit in shock over how he was taking it, too!! HAHA But for all of that, should be no worries. Just feels like fat deposits...no cysts or lumps or anything in places it shouldn't be. 2nd WHEW!! He got tested for feline leukemia...he's negative. Yay! Dr says he probably has a LOT of Maine Coon in him by the looks of him. And he weighs 7.25 lbs (I had no idea he was that heavy already!) Sooo...we go back in 3 weeks for his boosters. I'm supposed to try to catch a turd to take in for them to test, just to make sure everything else is normal, too. Then...in a couple months or so, we'll get him neutered. He wants him to spray 1st. Fuck!! You can't get rid of that smell!! UGH!! But...dr says the longer you wait & let them mature, the better chance they have later on of not having issues with their urinary tract...which makes sense. So...whatever is best for my little boy. I WAS SOOOOOO PROUD OF HIM!!! ;-) He was such a good boy!!




We came home & he's been normal. Not skittish or anything. Snuggling & all. Watched a couple movies & now it's almost time for bed. I'm ready for a day off!! HAHAHA ;-p

February Book Club Meeting...

We had our book club meeting last night. Sloppy Joes, french fries, potato salad, macaroni salad, chips & dip & my cupcakes. Yum!! I think I was the only one who really didn't care for Original Sin by Allison Brennan too much. I mean, it was OK...just...not enough that I'm excited about the rest of the series. *shrugs* We chose 2 books for this month. Ugh. I've never gotten through 2 when we've had them. PLUS...one of them is a spin-off of another series so I've now started the 1st of that original series, just to get some background info on this character. Which, this also means I hafta put aside Kim Harrison's Every Which Way But Dead for this month. *sighs* Anyway! So, after we ate & discussed books, we played Left-Right-Center. The 1st I'd heard of this game was at our xmas meeting. It's fun!! But I lost all 3 games. Oh, well. We still enjoyed it anyway. ;-) Karen gets downright RETARDED playing this game! LOL

I was off today. Got up, played on FB a little bit, cleaned kitty litter, vaccuumed, did the dishes, ate lunch (salad made from organic lettuce grown by one of our customers), watched a movie, took a nap, had dinner, watched another movie, started reading Halfway to the Grave by Jeaniene Frost, chatted with Angel a bit...now...I need to go to bed. 2 more days of work & then I'm off for TWO days!! WOOHOO!!! ;-) Except...Monday afternoon, Sebastian has a vet appointment. UGH!! I'm sooooo dreading that!! He freaks whenever someone comes in this apt...I can't even IMAGINE what he's gonna do at the vet's!! :/

V Day...FFS!!! *sighs*

Valentine's Day. What a crock of SHIT!! It is the *singlemost* loneliest day of the year...when you're single!! I've ALWAYS disliked Valentine's. Always. Since childhood.

You remember in elementary school, you used to get the stupid little Valentines from your classmates? I never got very many. Then in jr high...all the girls got balloons or flowers from their parents/boyfriend's parents & it was such a big to-do? Not once did I get to share in that notoriety. I don't remember anything much happening in high school. At least, nothing memorable anyway. But I never got anything then either. I lived my entire adult life getting through the day with nothing. The ONE year ('08) that I did have someone special in my life on that day...it wasn't a GOOD memory!! "Bittersweet" is what I've always tagged it as but...I digress. Because I'm refusing to talk about *Her* anymore. *sighs* Kathy sent me a rose arrangement last year but...you know that whole thing. I didn't want it so it never meant what it was supposed to have meant.

This day has literally SUCKED ASS! Ok, granted...not the ENTIRE day but...enough drama in a short amount of time tainted the whole day! It started with a text from Amanda. Stacy was on FB at the time, so I was chatting with her about it, too. You know, I am SO *over* the both of them at this point in time!! OMFG!

We have not worked with a full crew in almost a year now! I'm so fucken sick of it! It all started when Amanda hurt her stupid neck & we didn't see her for like 3 months. Now Stacy is going back to school (which I highly commend her for & wish her all the luck in the world!) so she's on PT. Kelli is perpetually unhappy--though, in her defense, she has gotten better the last month or so. I think she's finally accepted Cindy & the way the store runs now. But...between Amanda & Stacy...one of them calls out for *something*...seemingly ALL THE TIME...& what happens?! *I* get stuck on the counter!! What does that mean exactly?? It means...MY job...putting books away, spinners, both Rooms 3 & 4...get pushed to the wayside. This has been going on for so long now, that I am virtually overwhelmed with the rooms & the disheaval they are in!! :/ Cindy lets me come in on Sundays to put flats away but you know what...that's my fucken day off...just like everybody else!! I'd rather spend that day just crashing or doing whatever chores/errands that need to be done instead of being at work by myself doing my job that I can't GET to during the week cuz everyone is SOOOO FUCKEN SELFISH!!! Yeah, I call in, too. But you know what? I work every day, in pain. It is a way of life for me & has been since the accident in '99. When I call out, you can be for DAMN SURE I'm past the point of functioning!!!

*takes a deep breath*

We all know how Amanda works. If she even mentions she's not feeling well, we already know that she is going to call in, come in late or leave early. This, uncanny as it is, tends to happen before her scheduled day off & then she will undoubtedly take her day off, too. If she has plans to go out with friends or go on any kind of trip, she is going to come in late/leave early or call in. That's just how it is. Period. End of story. Oh...& this is at least once a week. THEN she has the gall to bitch when Kelli gets upset &/or offers an alternate suggestion--like today (the reason I got the text from Amanda, bitching about Kelli). She'd texted Kelli & told her she was sick & probably wouldn't make it all day tomorrow. Kelli suggested she come in late so that she can make it til 6. This pissed Amanda off & she immediately goes into a tyrade about Kelli being selfish & just wanting to be able to leave early. Ok. My response? I told her I got where Kelli is coming from. It is a HELLUVA lot easier to be short people in the mornings than it is later on. Secondly, Kelli is on salary & comes in every morning at 8ish so she leaves at 5ish--unless something happens & she can't leave. If *I* were Kelli...I'd be out the door, too!! FFS...if she puts in more than her 8 hrs, it cuts into her personal freedom time & reduces her pay rate! I mean, COME ON, Amanda...think about that!! Put yourself in HER place!

Now Stacy. I love her to pieces. More than anyone even knows. But...since she started school, she's getting on my last nerve! I GET it that she wants to drown her sorrows since all this shit happened with Tim. I honestly *GET* it! However, she does nothing but complain about Amanda & Kelli...taking time off. She didn't get her 2 Saturdays off this month cuz THIS Sat, BOTH Cindy & Kelli have somewhere they have to be. So she's bitching about that...cuz she "has so much homework to do!!" You know what? I've been there almost a yr & I have NEVER had a Sat off! So FUCK OFF!! Secondly...if she didn't go out drinking & hanging out with her friends every night...she could do her homework. I told her tonight, when she started bitching about it, that I've tried TWICE to go back to school while working! When you do that, you have NO life! Zip! Nada! None!! Work & school & that's it...there's no time for anything else!! Except...the 1st time I attempted it, I was going to class 3 days/wk, 8 hrs/day, had clinicals for 9 hrs/day twice/wk & was working graveyard shifts for 55-60 hrs/wk. I burnt out after a yr. I slept 2 hrs/day & lived off of coffee, Dr Pepper & chocolate. I didn't see my friends. EVER. The 2nd time, I was only working 40 hrs a wk, had night classes 3 days/wk but they were super involved writing classes with an hr commute every day...my weekends were dedicated to homework & household chores...plus the remaining nights during the week I wasn't in class! I lasted a semester.

I'm just sick of it. They both need to grow up & quit using Kelli as an excuse when their problems have absolutely nothing to do with her! She's at work more than either of them are!! To top things off, apparently Judy resigned from working at the store PT. Not sure what that's about at all but...maybe she's better off.

Happy Fucken Valentine's Day!! Gahhhh...

Productive Day...

Yesterday, for whatever reason, I decided I wanted to try & switch my days off this week. I was scheduled to have Thur off but I asked if I could have today off instead. Not sure why. Just...something inside me. No clue really. Anyway, the idea was to get some things done around here. Guess what? I succeeded!

3 loads of laundry, cleaned the bathroom, dishes, finished this month's book club book, watched a movie, had dinner...it's just after 7 pm & I'm about to start a new book. It rained most of the day, too. To say my spirits are down...would be an understatement. But...seriously...how is that different from any other day?? Anyway...I feel good getting everything done that I wanted to do. Well, almost. I didn't hang the bathroom mirror. Now the night belongs to my next book. Goodnight, cruel world...catch ya on the flipside!

Not According To Plan...

Well, my plan to do NOTHING today didn't really happen! Heh. That's the way it usually goes though. *shrugs*

I played on FaceBook a bit, watched a movie, mom called & wanted to come over later (she wanted to escape step-dad watching Super Bowl--you'd hafta experience this phenomenon to understand--lol) & then I took a nap. Got up just before she came over. We went to Wal-Mart, had dinner at IHOP, went to Walgreens & then came back here. She terrorized Sebastian for a while. lol Nothing that she was DOING---just his retarded being scared of people that come in here & hiding thing...haha. She put together his scratching post. She'd gotten him a new bear to play with, too. She left around 9. I checked on FB again & then read. Now it's time...erm...PAST time for bed & I'm wide awake! *sighs*

Expectations...

Last night was cool...but...not what I was expecting! Or, maybe, it's not so much of what I was "expecting" as what I was "hoping" for. There IS a difference.

When I got to da Vinci's, Stacy & Madison weren't there yet but Kelli, John & Carrie were. It was pretty cold so the band was inside (normally they play outside in the courtyard). I went in & sat with Kelli & them. Very close quarters & it was pretty warm in there. But...The Cook Trio...were AMAZING!! "Gypsy Jazz" is what it implies. It's old-time (20s-40s era) jazz redone with a Gypsy flair. And most of it was of a French influence. No lyrics--just music. Normally, I don't like music without lyrics. The lyrics are what *speak* to me. But these guys were just awesome! Loved it!! I debated on buying their CD but it's not the kind of music I'd listen to on any given day so I decided against it. I missed their 1st set since I didn't get there til 8 but I heard the whole 2nd set. However, by the end of that, I was way too hot, Stacy & them were in the courtyard & I needed a smoke since I'd finished my 1st Woodchuck & was getting a 2nd. So I left Kelli & them & went outside. They all stayed for the last set & then left.

Once I was a part of Stacy's group, I got to hear one of her friend's songs she's trying to get released. It's rap. Dirty rap...LOL. But she sounded SO good & I can easily imagine these 2 songs that I heard becoming hits if she can ever just get her break!! TOO FUNNY!! I'm becoming a lightweight so by the time I finished my 2nd Woodchuck, I just wanted to go to sleep!! :/ I was home before midnight.

John is supposed to come over sometime today & put Sebastian's scratching post together for me. Other than that, I plan on doing absolutely NOTHING today!! Staying in my jammies even! ;-) I shoulda probably done laundry but...I'll wait til Thursday. I just don't wanna. lol

Soul Soothing...

Going to go out with Stacy tomorrow night at DaVinci's to listen to "gypsy jazz". No clue what that even is but I'm mainly looking forward to 3 or 4 Kelly's Hard Ciders. It's time to get a good buzz on (doubt I'll get drunk!). The other night when I was at Publix, I was searching for some so that's how I know it's time. It's been a very long time & I need the release. I need to be out of my body & happy & giggly & not drowning in my memories. Stacy needs it, too. Ever since all this shit started with Tim, she's been drinking like every night. :/ I understand where she's at. Sad that she's there but get it, nonetheless. She is one of the only people that has been able to get under my skin. I'm going to enjoy having her nearby for this release. I think Kelli & John are gonna show up there, too. I dunno if they'll sit with us or what.

Complicated Day...

I didn't sleep much last night. Was up, reading, til about 1:30 am. Not up to read but was up so was reading. :/ Then...Sebastian woke me at 5:30ish am by knocking a box off the table. Ugh!!

And today was yet *another* anniversary date! I've been back in FL for a year today. I regret leaving Flagstaff. It was too much like Seattle & I loved the way I *felt* there. I don't regret leaving Kathy. Things would've gotten extremely ugly if I'd stayed there. She was trying her damndest to replace Kat in my life & I resented her for it. But I miss the town. I miss the scenery. I miss the culture. I miss the snow. I miss...the way it made me feel kinda close to Kat still...don't ask me how. It just did. *sighs*

Work was...relatively quiet. After I got in, I took my car in to get the front brakes repaired. Cindy dropped me back off at work. Kelli dropped me at the station to pick it up again when she went to pick Savannah up from school. Then I went to Publix after work to get some groceries for the month.

Got home, ate dinner, watched Message in a Bottle. I so didn't handle that one well! Ugh. Good movie. I'm just not in the right frame of mind for it.

I'm still thinking about the convo I had with Judy about Kat. She'd said... "How can you get on with the rest of your life while you limp along in your grief? Be more than she deserves. Be well and someone she may want in her life. And maybe by then you'll have found someone worthy of you." I...I'm struggling with that. I am broken without her. I was always like that, even when we'd just fight. I couldn't ever really figure out how to function when she wasn't an active part of my life. I *STILL* have not figured that out!! She would simply have to make some sort of conscious effort to repair the bridge between us & I would...well, I would relax & learn how to exhale again. I don't know how to be anything other than broken otherwise. Which means, I cannot be someone she may want in her life. I'm thinking...I never was. And I'm thinking...it's time to start internalizing these emotions once again. Sharing them only makes me miss her even more & makes me sound like a complete moron. Nobody *gets* it. And I feel even worse when I realize they think I'm stupid...so I'm done...I will go crazy all by myself, thank you very much.

Stupid...Stupid...Stupid...!!

Yes, unfortunately, I DO understand how stupid I sound to people!! I think it's partially why I've stopped trying to share my thoughts/feelings. To explain it to someone who hasn't lived it or experienced it is like...trying to explain to a man what it's like to be a woman. Or...explain to a white man what it's like to live as a black man. Severe core differences in the psyche that are impossible to explain to someone who can't conceivably grasp the concept of it. That's not a BAD thing!! Just...*sighs*...it's just futile to even attempt such an explanation because both parties will only end up frustrated.

Don't get me entirely wrong though...I'd give anything to stop being stupid. I'd give anything to NOT know what this feels like...

I'd give anything to stop suffering needlessly...

Monotonous...

I'm starting to slack with my blogging. :/ I'm slacking because...my life is becoming...monotonous. Nothing really changes too much anymore. I go to work, I play with Sebastian, I watch movies, I read, I sleep. I think about Kat. There's only so many times I can repeat those scenarios in a given week. *sighs*

However, I guess...there HAVE been some events to happen lately...

#1. I've met a new friend, Angel. Been talking to her for a couple of weeks or so now, I think. She friended me on MyDungeonSpace 1st. I've not been to MDS since...hell...early last spring?! The lifestyle is a part of me (even though it's never truly been practiced in the flesh). It's a massive part of my psyche nonetheless. But...I'm still not willing to give that part of me to anyone else & so I stopped going there cuz everyone I was meeting there was, of course, wanting that! In her 1st message to me, she said she's only looking for a friend...not a playmate. Being sub herself, eased my conscience even more. Talking to a Dom/me hurts me more than it helps usually. But the other night, Angel & I were talking & she was admitting that she'd like a girlfriend, too. She's just not *actively* looking. My shackles rose. And while she continued to talk of her "dream arrangement" of having her male Dom & her gf, living under one roof, my insides began to twist. My heart began to ache. It was almost word-for-word the same as the dream Kat wanted. Somehow or another, we started talking about Kat. When Angel commented "You truly care about her"...as a matter-of-fact statement to just random ramblings of mine...I froze. Well, YEAH. I always have! I still do. And that is the root of my problems! And this morning, Judy & I have been having a convo that concerned Kat, as well. I think I pretty much summed it by saying She was my "Great Love in Life". I continue to wait for her to take the opportunity to "fix" things...cuz she's the only one that CAN...even though I suffer while I wait. I can't "find someone new" when I can't give them what I no longer possess (my heart & soul). All of that being said, deep down...I know...I *know*...that she will never "fix" it. She's moved on. Whoever is in Texas, no doubt. *sighs* I dunno. Every day, I get a fraction more distanced from her & I don't hurt so horribly. Maybe what they say is true after all? Time heals all wounds. I guess, at this rate, in 10 years or so...I may not be quite so jaded as I am now...

Ahh. And another development. Stacy has been talking about divorce. I think, realizing she was in that *spot* with Tim...pretty much shocked me. I thought they were so happy & so perfect for each other! Finding out that they aren't...pretty much reinforces my disbelief in *love*! :/