Complicated Day...

I didn't sleep much last night. Was up, reading, til about 1:30 am. Not up to read but was up so was reading. :/ Then...Sebastian woke me at 5:30ish am by knocking a box off the table. Ugh!!

And today was yet *another* anniversary date! I've been back in FL for a year today. I regret leaving Flagstaff. It was too much like Seattle & I loved the way I *felt* there. I don't regret leaving Kathy. Things would've gotten extremely ugly if I'd stayed there. She was trying her damndest to replace Kat in my life & I resented her for it. But I miss the town. I miss the scenery. I miss the culture. I miss the snow. I miss...the way it made me feel kinda close to Kat still...don't ask me how. It just did. *sighs*

Work was...relatively quiet. After I got in, I took my car in to get the front brakes repaired. Cindy dropped me back off at work. Kelli dropped me at the station to pick it up again when she went to pick Savannah up from school. Then I went to Publix after work to get some groceries for the month.

Got home, ate dinner, watched Message in a Bottle. I so didn't handle that one well! Ugh. Good movie. I'm just not in the right frame of mind for it.

I'm still thinking about the convo I had with Judy about Kat. She'd said... "How can you get on with the rest of your life while you limp along in your grief? Be more than she deserves. Be well and someone she may want in her life. And maybe by then you'll have found someone worthy of you." I...I'm struggling with that. I am broken without her. I was always like that, even when we'd just fight. I couldn't ever really figure out how to function when she wasn't an active part of my life. I *STILL* have not figured that out!! She would simply have to make some sort of conscious effort to repair the bridge between us & I would...well, I would relax & learn how to exhale again. I don't know how to be anything other than broken otherwise. Which means, I cannot be someone she may want in her life. I'm thinking...I never was. And I'm thinking...it's time to start internalizing these emotions once again. Sharing them only makes me miss her even more & makes me sound like a complete moron. Nobody *gets* it. And I feel even worse when I realize they think I'm stupid...so I'm done...I will go crazy all by myself, thank you very much.