Stumbling Block In My Day...

I had a massive stumbling block right in the middle of my day today. Out of the blue, after 2 months of nothing...Kat texted me. A bunch. With the same excuse. She's not been online. I still don't get that! When she tells me she's not been in touch cuz she's not been online much...she tells me this usually in a text...on my phone...that has nothing whatsoever to do with the internet. o.0 I just don't get it. *sighs*

We were crazy busy at work. It took an Act of Congress just for me to be able to reorganize & put away a flat & a half of paranormals. Rest of the time, I was stuck on the counter. I'm *SO* used to not getting texts anymore that my phone stays in my purse most of the time. I heard it beeping & had to wait a couple of mins for my heart to start beating again, for me to remember how to breathe again...all while NOT beginning to cry when I saw the 1st 2 messages sitting in my inbox. I...I dunno. The rest of the afternoon was spent feeling instantly & painfully aware of the emotions all surging through me simultaneously. Sadness, grief, pain, fear, jealousy, thrilled, *connected*, anger, lonely...but, mostly, just sad. She said she'd been reading my blogs & that made me feel...hopeful? If nobody else ever reads them...that's fine. But if she reads them...I...I feel...priviledged? Special. She actually took time out of her day to pay some attention to me. How horribly pathetic is that?! :-( No matter what I tell people, no matter what I tell myself...I know that any ounce of interest she shows just makes my world ecstatic because my soul still belongs to her...no matter how short-lived that thrill is. Then she goes away again & the emptiness is even greater than before. She says that sometime in the summer, she's leaving Ben & moving to Texas. I can't even BEGIN to describe my feelings the moment she said that. My 1st reaction was...NO!!!!!! I moved to FL...almost as physically far away from Seattle that I can possibly get...you CANNOT come closer!!! Defeats the whole purpose & breaks down my resolve & my walls & makes the distance between us smaller. My next thought was...WTF is in TX?! And then it dawned on me. If I didn't already know it before (& just too stubborn to let go of the *possibility*)...she's moved on. Irrevocably & undeniably. She's leaving Ben & leaving WA...to go to someone else. And there it was. In all it's glory. My stumbling block. I had to go to the bathroom to collect myself & contain the flood of tears & the crushing sensation that was enveloping me like a pool of warm molasses. There it is...& I have never felt so utterly & indescribeably insignificant in my entire life. I've never before felt that level of...loneliness & emptiness...& I honestly don't know how to handle myself over it. I can't quit crying. And I don't even know what I'm crying FOR...

Why the hell is she still able to affect me like this?? I can't handle it. I can't break like this again all over again. But it's a tidal wave that I've zero power to stop...