Reflections...

Judy has been writing a monthly newsletter for a long time now. For the customers & friends of the book shop, book news, family news, etc. She usually includes blurbs about what each of us is currently reading. The newsletters have been well received by the people. She's continued to do them even after Cindy bought the store. I'm not sure how long she'll keep doing them though. I think I've only read 2 of them since I've been working there, when I'd remember to go to the website to check em. But she forwarded me this month's newsletter last night. The blurb about me was this:

Mel, when not blogging, is reading Nice Girl's Don't Have Fangs by Molly Harper (the first installment of a funny, smart, and sexy new romantic series by a debut author introduces Jane Jameson, an out-of-work small-town librarian who is turned into a vampire.) I'm not surprised that this is labeled "funny". Mel has a very infectious laugh. Come by and see if you can get a giggle out of her.

A couple things here. Blogging. Judy made a comment the other day that my blogs break her heart. I let the comment go without acknowledgement. I wasn't sure what to say to that. So what'd I do? I chuckled half-heartedly. Which leads into the 2nd thing! Giggles. Ok, so I'm not blogging to hurt anyone. It's never been my intention. Or to make anyone feel sorry for me. Blogging helps get the thoughts & feelings somewhere other than just inside me. It's a form of therapy. And giggles...yes, well, I do that a lot, I admit it. Naturally, I laugh when something is funny to me. But I also chuckle when I have no idea what to say, or I'm embarrassed or I'm scared, nervous, uneasy, etc. Judy has said (several times) that she hired me cuz of my giggle. I've gotten lots of compliments on my giggles. I, however, tend to think I sound retarded & try to reign myself in a lot of times. o.0 Kathy always said she loved my giggle. And, thanks to her, I discovered that I also giggle during sex! I guess that's when all of the above mentioned emotions are all wrapped up into one! Ha! Whatever. *shrugs* So I've been thinking about all of this for a couple of days now, right? The giggles led to Kathy which led to me reflecting on last year with Kathy. We would've NEVER worked out! I'm intensely aware of that. I miss the friendship with her though. But we were just way too different on the core levels. Even though she was offering me *almost* everything I was wanting from Kat...I couldn't. I didn't want it from her. At the time, it'd been less than a month since my world had exploded. I was nowhere near the point of being able to accept the most intimate of relationships from anyone. Over a year later & I'm *still* not able to let anyone that close to me! In all honesty, I don't think I will ever be able to let anyone close to me again. Ever. That being said, leads me to think on things Amanda & Stacy have both said--multiple times. That...one day...I will wake up & realize that I am finally *OK* with what happened & am over it & willing to let someone else try to love my giggle. Amanda said the other day, that I feel like this...that I say "Never again!" & I truly MEAN it...that I feel like this & say I'm done *forever* but...really...I'm just saying forever right now. It'll pass. Eventually. I'll stop hurting. One day. And I laugh at them when they say this shit to me cuz I can't see past my definition of "forever"...right now! Heh. Funny, huh? :-)

It's not so funny. Really, it's not. I totally can't see myself out of this darkness because a key element has yet to be severed between Kat & I. And, because of that, there is a tiny flame that continues to flicker & burn, encouraging hope & creating the reasons why I continue to wait for her. After everything, I would still let her back in because of those remaining ties. I still belong to Her. And it's killing me softly...