Orlando Experience...

Ok, so last night was when I went to Orlando to meet Michele! This is how the story goes...

1st off, I was running late getting on the road. Didn't leave til 4:45 pm. About the time I hit downtown Orlando, traffic had halted to a crawl due to a lane closure! Took 20+ minutes to get past 2 exits! And traffic was heavy to begin with! Don't think I could manage going through that during *normal* weekday rush-hour on a daily basis without slitting my wrists! Bleh!! So I finally find her hotel, which is in the center of Disney-esque Universe (gag me!) & the 1st parking lot, I couldn't access without a room key! Sooo...I went to the BFE parking lot, off by the valet parking! Oh, the fun doesn't stop there!! LOL Once INSIDE the hotel, finding her ROOM was a whole *other* adventure!! OMG!! Simply ridiculous!! Nevermind the hotel itself was like a mini-city. I eventually find her & the moment I see her, it's like we've been seeing each other forever! NO awkwardness at all! Felt totally & completely at ease with her. She is, after all, the very SAME nut in person as online & on the phone!! *giggles* So we talked for a few minutes before heading out to the restaurant. Have I mentioned the traffic yet?! Yeah...umm...it didn't get any better *OFF* of I-4 either!! Holy crap!! And you can't just turn on a street & get to where you wanna go...you have to go in circles 1st!! Fuck me!! Geez...anyway, we finally get to the restaurant...parking lot is packed! Go figure, eh?? lol She'd chosen Kobe's Japanese Steakhouse. A place I've never been (nor have I experienced one of these kinds of places before). Inside is packed. Dozens of people were hanging out around the entrance, waiting to be seated. She's smart...she'd made a reservation! lol Good thing!! We woulda been there for HOURS! Ha! So my 1st reaction at the place is because of the waitresses/hosts. They were pretty much all dressed in traditional-looking kimonos & zoris. I was already smitten! :D Then our table was communal seating. I wasn't so impressed with this at 1st. We were seated with a family of 8, 1 girl was celebrating her birthday. She was pregnant & as best we could figure out, it appeared that she was drinking wine...WTF?! You have to keep in mind that I am *NOT* the adventurous type when it comes to food!! lol She made me try her saki. Erm...not HORRIBLE but not something I'd drink on *purpose* ever again! LOL 1st, we had soup. It was yummy. Like a mild french onion with mushrooms. Then came the salad. Ahh so...then the chef came & started the "show". He didn't cook...he ENTERTAINED us & it was *awesome*!! He started with the veggies, then noodles, then each person's choice of meat (lobster, shrimp, scallops, chicken, sirloin & filet mignon). Then the rice. An onion volcano...lol!! He made a mini volcano by stacking the rings of an onion & then set it on fire. The entire table went up in flames!! It was amazing!! ;-) SOOOOOO much food!! But I wasn't stuffed...full, but not stuffed! So when we left there, we attempted to drive down International Blvd for a bit to see what we could see. WAYYYYYYYYY too commercialized so we opted to head back to the hotel's bar! Erm...yeah, easier said than done! Have I mentioned the going in circles part yet? Yeah, so we had to go in circles for a little bit before we could get back on I-4! Holy hell. Finally get back to the hotel & we tested the 1st parking lot. Since I had her with me, we had a key! lol Drove in & drove out again to see if I could get out without a key. ASSUMED I'd be able to but that hotel is beyond ridiculous & didn't want to take the chance. lol It worked so I drove back in & we went to the bar, got drinks & headed back outside so we could smoke. We hung out for a long while, just chatting, smoking & drinking. At 11 pm, I decided to head home. Was a little buzzed from the gin & tonic, starting to feel a little sleepy & still had a hour+ drive ahead of me. I am *SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO* glad she realized I was close to where she was gonna be so we could meet up!!! *giggles*

Now we're in discussion about me flying to Baltimore (maybe sometime this summer) & she & I take a road trip up to Boston to see Heidi!! I can't wait!!! :D

Today, however, has been just a dead day! lol I have only managed to play on FaceBook, nap with Sebastian & watch a couple of movies! ;-p

Getaway!!

Sunday night, Michele & I were emailing back & forth & she told me that she's gonna be near Orlando this weekend for a Conference! Soooo...I'm gonna trek down there Saturday night to go hang out with her!! WOOHOOOOO!!! I'm so excited!! :D We've been friends for...uhh...*tries to think*...5 or 6 years now. Haven't actually met yet though. But, from the moment I met her online, she has never failed to crack me the hell up!! I <3 her so much!! :D I can't believe I'm actually gonna meet her, face-to-face! Come on Saturday!!!!!! hahaha

No Happy Wishes!!

Sooo...tomorrow (the 19th) is Kat's birthday. It is killing me NOT to send her well wishes for the day! After all, up until recently, it did my heart good to impart sentiments towards others. I was like that my entire life! Got such a rush out of making someone smile. Bleh. Whatever. I *can't* send her wishes though. For a few reasons. #1: She taught me--the HARD way--that birthdays, holidays, anniversaries meant shit to her. #2: She's successfully ignored my birthday for the past 2 years & I'm certain she'll ignore this year's, too. Those are my top 2 reasons for preventing myself from saying anything to her. A lesser reason is...Ben. If I were to say something, I don't want to take the chance of him finding out about it & having a freaking cow. She's in a situation that she allows. She had choices to make a year ago. 2 years ago. She made the wrong ones. That doesn't mean I don't still care about her & hope that she is ok nonetheless. Nevermind she can't be bothered about me. That's the hard part. Knowing she doesn't care...& knowing that I can't seem to STOP caring! Bleh. Whatever...c'est la vie...

Going Into Hiding...

When I went into work this morning, I checked the schedule to see what my day off next week was gonna be. I wasn't gonna have one! LOL So Kelli let me pick a day. I chose Monday. I don't *normally* like Mondays or Tuesdays off. Prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays. It breaks the week up better. But...I dunno...something spoke to me about Monday. I'd figure out why later on. lol Then, a little later, Kelli made the mistake of offering to let me go home early or calling Stacy & letting her take the day off (she was already coming in late). Uhh...yeah...I'll go home! It was then that I realized I'm not in a good place. Being sick the other night...well, that always throws me off balance anyway. But...my answer to her offer was "Yeah, I'll go home & nap!" Within moments it dawned on me that I truly meant that. I've been holding things in, avoiding things & I'm sinking. I want a nap so I'm not conscious. So I left at 3. Stacy wasn't happy. Not sure exactly what was eating her &, at any other time, I'd be concerned. Today...I'm not. I want to hide. And I'll take whatever opportunity I can get to do so! I'm sorry to anyone who feels slighted by that. Anyway, I came home & napped til 7:30! I'm off tomorrow & Monday. My plan is to just hole up in here, overdose on Sebastian snuggles, movies & reading!! For 2 freaking days!! Yeah!!! I think I need to go to Wal-Mart or Publix but I'll worry about that later on. Right now, I need to be swallowed whole...

Quiet but Semi-Productive...

I've been trying not to *think*...for the last few days. Guess that's evident by my lack of blogging, huh? Heh. Trying not to think isn't quite correct. I can't HELP but think! It's like a constant movie playing over & over in my head, 24/7 cuz it doesn't have a pause button! :/ I guess, to be more exact, I'm trying not to dwell. I *purposefully* allow myself to think & dwell &...I make myself sick. Physically. Is that ever going to stop?! *sighs* Anyway...now I'm DWELLING...FFS!

So I got up this morning. Yeah, it was still morning. 9ish am. I wasn't ready to be up but Sebastian couldn't lay low any longer. Ugh. Did 2 loads of laundry. Sebastian helped me fold it. And by "helped", I mean...he kept taking off with my rolled up pairs of socks, playing with the string ties, chewing on buttons, reapplying the loose cat hair that had been removed by the washer...yeah, he helped! ;-p I did the dishes. That happens daily though. Can't go more than a couple of days cuz I don't have enough stuff! lol Guess that's a good thing!? Did some online job hunting. Re-checked my income tax submission. It's correct, I think. I wasn't sure after getting a rogue 1099-G from OK Tax Commission! Still no idea what that's about even though I now realize that 1099-G is for unemployment compensation, etc (which I never got). Kinda useless information to have if it still doesn't explain anything...lol. I read some. Been fighting sleep since about 3 pm. So I'm not really able to read any more...it'll surely put me out if I do! I almost feel like I'm drugged or drunk...no idea what that's about. *shrugs* Watched a movie, an episode of Californication...& now it's all of 8 pm!! OMG! Why isn't it midnight yet??? Guess I'll watch some more movies...otherwise, I'll start to dwell...

Reflections...

Judy has been writing a monthly newsletter for a long time now. For the customers & friends of the book shop, book news, family news, etc. She usually includes blurbs about what each of us is currently reading. The newsletters have been well received by the people. She's continued to do them even after Cindy bought the store. I'm not sure how long she'll keep doing them though. I think I've only read 2 of them since I've been working there, when I'd remember to go to the website to check em. But she forwarded me this month's newsletter last night. The blurb about me was this:

Mel, when not blogging, is reading Nice Girl's Don't Have Fangs by Molly Harper (the first installment of a funny, smart, and sexy new romantic series by a debut author introduces Jane Jameson, an out-of-work small-town librarian who is turned into a vampire.) I'm not surprised that this is labeled "funny". Mel has a very infectious laugh. Come by and see if you can get a giggle out of her.

A couple things here. Blogging. Judy made a comment the other day that my blogs break her heart. I let the comment go without acknowledgement. I wasn't sure what to say to that. So what'd I do? I chuckled half-heartedly. Which leads into the 2nd thing! Giggles. Ok, so I'm not blogging to hurt anyone. It's never been my intention. Or to make anyone feel sorry for me. Blogging helps get the thoughts & feelings somewhere other than just inside me. It's a form of therapy. And giggles...yes, well, I do that a lot, I admit it. Naturally, I laugh when something is funny to me. But I also chuckle when I have no idea what to say, or I'm embarrassed or I'm scared, nervous, uneasy, etc. Judy has said (several times) that she hired me cuz of my giggle. I've gotten lots of compliments on my giggles. I, however, tend to think I sound retarded & try to reign myself in a lot of times. o.0 Kathy always said she loved my giggle. And, thanks to her, I discovered that I also giggle during sex! I guess that's when all of the above mentioned emotions are all wrapped up into one! Ha! Whatever. *shrugs* So I've been thinking about all of this for a couple of days now, right? The giggles led to Kathy which led to me reflecting on last year with Kathy. We would've NEVER worked out! I'm intensely aware of that. I miss the friendship with her though. But we were just way too different on the core levels. Even though she was offering me *almost* everything I was wanting from Kat...I couldn't. I didn't want it from her. At the time, it'd been less than a month since my world had exploded. I was nowhere near the point of being able to accept the most intimate of relationships from anyone. Over a year later & I'm *still* not able to let anyone that close to me! In all honesty, I don't think I will ever be able to let anyone close to me again. Ever. That being said, leads me to think on things Amanda & Stacy have both said--multiple times. That...one day...I will wake up & realize that I am finally *OK* with what happened & am over it & willing to let someone else try to love my giggle. Amanda said the other day, that I feel like this...that I say "Never again!" & I truly MEAN it...that I feel like this & say I'm done *forever* but...really...I'm just saying forever right now. It'll pass. Eventually. I'll stop hurting. One day. And I laugh at them when they say this shit to me cuz I can't see past my definition of "forever"...right now! Heh. Funny, huh? :-)

It's not so funny. Really, it's not. I totally can't see myself out of this darkness because a key element has yet to be severed between Kat & I. And, because of that, there is a tiny flame that continues to flicker & burn, encouraging hope & creating the reasons why I continue to wait for her. After everything, I would still let her back in because of those remaining ties. I still belong to Her. And it's killing me softly...

Hell's Frozen Over...

Hell must've frozen over cuz...it was SLEETING in Central Florida this morning!!! LOL Amanda & Stacy kept calling it "snow" & I was cracking up. They have NO clue what snow is! ;-p Weatherman is saying it's possible for this to occur again through the next several days but...we ALL know how correct they usually are! ;-) We'll see...

I've been fighting sleep since about 9:30. Laying here with Sebastian curled up around my neck, purring away...just sets me at ease & comfort. It's the little things in life that are important...he is one of my few!

Made brownies & burnt them to a crisp. Tried to watch We Were Soldiers but...well, yeah...apparently, I *still* can't cope with anything military related. *sighs* So I was just laying here, listening to my baby boy purr happily & I almost drifted off into La-La Land. Guess I'll do it officially now (with the lights off & computer shut down!) It's cold. Time for snuggling. Funny how completely different the meaning of that is for me this year as opposed to last year at this time. :/ Life is so funny. Not "ha ha" funny but...ironic. I tend to find a LOT of irony in my life...why is that?? :/

Dinner & Drinks...

So Cindy is getting ready to take off on a 2 week trip to Chile. Kelli came up with the idea for us to have a Girl's Night Out to send her off with. We went tonight. Me, Stacy, Amanda, Cindy, Lori & Kelli all piled into Dublin's. The place was pretty much empty. Their food was really good! They didn't have Kelly's Hard Cider but I tried Woodchuck's instead. It's another cider but Kelly's is raspberry so this was a bit of a different flavor. Not bad! I still prefer Kelly's though. And I had fried mushrooms. We talked & laughed & had a good time. We usually do! ;-) However, after a few sips of the Woodchuck's, my nose stuffed up & I got a bad headache. :/ Stacy says I must be allergic to some ingredient in it. Nose is ok now & the headache is lessening. Think I'll watch a movie before bed & cuddle up with Sebastian to get warm. Peace out, ya'll!

Shhh...

Facebook. Played & cuddled with Sebastian. Read a little. Made brownies. Watched some of Season 1 of Californication. Took a nap. Dinner (major comfort food night). More Californication & reading. Shhhhh...it's been a vewy, vewy, vewy quiet day...

Stumbling Block In My Day...

I had a massive stumbling block right in the middle of my day today. Out of the blue, after 2 months of nothing...Kat texted me. A bunch. With the same excuse. She's not been online. I still don't get that! When she tells me she's not been in touch cuz she's not been online much...she tells me this usually in a text...on my phone...that has nothing whatsoever to do with the internet. o.0 I just don't get it. *sighs*

We were crazy busy at work. It took an Act of Congress just for me to be able to reorganize & put away a flat & a half of paranormals. Rest of the time, I was stuck on the counter. I'm *SO* used to not getting texts anymore that my phone stays in my purse most of the time. I heard it beeping & had to wait a couple of mins for my heart to start beating again, for me to remember how to breathe again...all while NOT beginning to cry when I saw the 1st 2 messages sitting in my inbox. I...I dunno. The rest of the afternoon was spent feeling instantly & painfully aware of the emotions all surging through me simultaneously. Sadness, grief, pain, fear, jealousy, thrilled, *connected*, anger, lonely...but, mostly, just sad. She said she'd been reading my blogs & that made me feel...hopeful? If nobody else ever reads them...that's fine. But if she reads them...I...I feel...priviledged? Special. She actually took time out of her day to pay some attention to me. How horribly pathetic is that?! :-( No matter what I tell people, no matter what I tell myself...I know that any ounce of interest she shows just makes my world ecstatic because my soul still belongs to her...no matter how short-lived that thrill is. Then she goes away again & the emptiness is even greater than before. She says that sometime in the summer, she's leaving Ben & moving to Texas. I can't even BEGIN to describe my feelings the moment she said that. My 1st reaction was...NO!!!!!! I moved to FL...almost as physically far away from Seattle that I can possibly get...you CANNOT come closer!!! Defeats the whole purpose & breaks down my resolve & my walls & makes the distance between us smaller. My next thought was...WTF is in TX?! And then it dawned on me. If I didn't already know it before (& just too stubborn to let go of the *possibility*)...she's moved on. Irrevocably & undeniably. She's leaving Ben & leaving WA...to go to someone else. And there it was. In all it's glory. My stumbling block. I had to go to the bathroom to collect myself & contain the flood of tears & the crushing sensation that was enveloping me like a pool of warm molasses. There it is...& I have never felt so utterly & indescribeably insignificant in my entire life. I've never before felt that level of...loneliness & emptiness...& I honestly don't know how to handle myself over it. I can't quit crying. And I don't even know what I'm crying FOR...

Why the hell is she still able to affect me like this?? I can't handle it. I can't break like this again all over again. But it's a tidal wave that I've zero power to stop...

BRRRR!!!!!

It's freaking *COLD*!!!!! Gah!! :-( Ok, ok, yeah, I know! This time last year I was surrounded by 6' snowbanks & 13 degrees for 2 1/2 months. But...those condos had good heat! ;-p Last night, it was 36 degrees here. Tonight & tomorrow night are supposed to be in the 20s. I am in the attic. NO heat. Apparently, little insulation...lol. I have a space heater thingy. It takes the sting out of the air but doesn't exactly warm the place up.

Amanda & I went to the pet store this morning. Their yard sale consisted of 3 ratty looking bird cages & a dozen some odd aquariums in not-so-great shape. Yippee. lol But we got to hang out for a few so it was cool! ;-)

When I got home, I went to Wal-Mart. Got a comforter for $15 & have been comfy cozy the rest of the day!! :D Erm...as long as I stay under the covers, that is! LOL Sooo...Sebastian & I have been snuggling & watching movies all day. hahaha

I've *SO* got to do laundry on Tue! UGH!!! It's gonna be an ALLLLLL day affair at this point! :-(

Fast!!

Today went by *SO* fast!!

Sebastian was BIZERK last night! OMG!! He was *literally* climbing the walls between 3 & 6 am. I finally put him in his carrier so he'd calm down & I could nap before going to work. He's not been in his carrier since the 1st week that I brought him home! :/ But...I was desperate for him to stop making noise. I know Joe & Judy could hear him!! *sighs* And...I was desperate to get a little sleep.

I didn't go into work til noon but...MAN!! That place was a freaking ZOO!!!! Was just me, Amanda & Cindy (& Lori but she doesn't work the front so she doesn't really count). As crazy as it was though...it was good cuz the day just FLEW by! Well, until it hit 4 pm & then it started dragging. :/

Amanda was telling me about the pet store her friend works at is having a yard sale tomorrow. We're gonna go together. I'm not real sure WHY I agreed to being up & out of the house by 9:30 am on my day off! lol But...maybe I'll find something cute for Sebastian to make it worthwhile. *shrugs & smiles*

Shit. It's already after 1 am. Seems like I just got home from work! :/ And I'm wide awake! Ugh.

I'm pissed off at Netflix!! BOTH seasons of Dead Like Me on the Instant play is missing episodes!! Only a couple (the last 2) from Season 1 but there's 5 or 6 missing from Season 2! What a ripoff!! *pouts*

Saw on FB tonight that 1 of my 5th grade teachers (my favorite of the 3 that year & really, almost my top favorite from all 12 yrs of school) has had a stroke! I'm guesstimating that she's probably in her mid 70s now. I'm anxiously awaiting updates on her condition.

I need to sleep. I need to do laundry. It's cold. Gonna get colder in the next couple of days. Leaving the heater on at night while I sleep makes me nervous but I don't think I really have a choice unless I wanna freeze. Laundry is gonna wait til Tue, I think. I'm not in the mood for it tomorrow. I'm feeling really random. Random & alone. Restless. Incomplete.

Tanya's birthday is the 6th. Today was so freaking nuts that I forgot to take time to find her a card. Will do it Monday, I guess. So it'll be late. :/ How much does that really matter anyway??

The day is gone in a flash. Life is too short & friends are too few...ahhh. :/

1st Day of New Year...

Soooo...Sebastian & I were asleep by midnight! lol The *epitome* of "boring", eh?? ;-p Oh, well. It is what it is. I didn't sleep well though. Was awake several times & then got up at 5:30 am. So I've been fighting the urge to fall asleep for hours already. It's not even 8 pm yet!! GAH! :/

Neenah contacted me on Yahoo last night before I fell asleep. Haven't spoken to her in...well, I dunno when but it's been a long while. The convo consisted of her asking how I was. "Fine". I asked how she was. "Fine". That was it. What a waste!! Why even bother with contact at all?! She should be more like Kathy. Completely non-committal to the point of zero response at all. *snorts* Or just fall off the face of the Earth like Kat does so well. WTFever. I'm so done with giving a fuck about all 3 of them!! They know how to find me if they wanna speak. It's not my place to go after them anymore...

I went in to work for 4 hours today. Got flats put away. Didn't touch the ton of boxes in the garage at all though. Not sure when that'll happen. I have GOT to straighten rooms 3 & 4!! They are both disaster areas!! :/ The kicker is getting Stacy & Amanda to handle the front (they'd have to actually BE there for that to happen) so that I can get back there & do MY job. *SIGHS* Cindy wanted me to create a FB profile for the store. I know it can be done. Chrissy has her account as her store. But...FB kept rejecting the store name. Kept saying it wasn't a real name. No clue what to do about that!

I sent in my resume to that place Judy had told me about. Doesn't sound like she described it though. Sounds more like cold-calling sales calls...which I CAN'T do!! But we'll see what happens.

I wanna go to sleep. *whines* But...it's too early still. :-( So I'm about to finish up Season 1 of Dead Like Me & then I'll start Season 2. Sooooo much excitement in my life that I can barely handle myself!! LMAO!! ;-p