An Emotional Void...

I am *still* thinking, constantly, about the email Sara (Kat) sent me of the convo between her & Tanya. I can't NOT think about it! :/ There's soooo much of her thoughts that were not what was really happening. I tried to clarify a few things but there's still others. But...I haven't attempted to do them. After all, her mind was made up long ago that I had some sort of evil agenda against her & there's not really anything I can say that will change that.

She has contacted me on Yahoo a couple of times since the email, asking how I'm doing. I'm almost certain that it's not just a general inquiry of my well-being but, rather, she's specifically wanting to know how I'm dealing with the email knowledge. I've not asked her, of course, but...it's sad cuz...there was a time that her showing THAT kind of concern towards me would make my heart swell to a bursting point. The 1st time she asked, I slipped & told her I was kind of numb about it. The 2nd time, I kind of blew her off. I simply don't know what to say to her!! :/ I don't even know what to say to myself...

I am right back in time to that 1st month or so after everything exploded where I'm just...going through the motions. In disbelief, denial, shock & it's all on overload so I simply shut down & am in an emotional void. I wanted clarity & I guess, that's kinda what I got from it, after all. It has certainly made me re-evaluate my feelings that never truly wavered towards her & to second-guess my acceptance of Tanya back into my life. But where does that leave me exactly? I honestly...don't know! *sighs* Do I want to confront Tanya & tell her I saw what she said? No. I hate drama. And, really...how much does it matter anymore? Nobody gets inside my bubble anymore. Not even her. I don't trust her. I haven't for a very long time now. And...it seems I was right in not doing so! As for Sara...I can't be HAPPY about the things she said. I also can't express any true feelings about it cuz she doesn't want to hear it. Sooo...that puts me in this void.

Can you handle the truth?? I used to think so but now I'm not so sure! I FINALLY know the truth but I haven't got a fucken clue as to what to DO WITH IT! Argh.