Another Phone Call...

Phone calls that have an air of ease & familiarity when...*technically*...they SHOULDN'T...are a bit frightening...

She called me again tonight. We talked for almost an hour. I have to say...this convo was better than the 1st. 1st of all, she caught me completely by surprise with the 1st one! I hadn't heard her voice in over a year. It was difficult, at best. But this time...it was different. It was like old times. We talked about Talon, Finn & Neenah. We talked about Ben, the girls, her schooling. I also found something out. Way back when, I always got embarrassed & self-conscious when it came to me admitting out loud anything about my feelings. I had a couple of "confessions" tonight...& wasn't embarrassed. They just came out! BLOOP! Just like that! I think...or I wonder anyway...if it's because it's just been so fucking long? I mean, my feelings haven't changed. Not the core feelings. I *still* experience the entire spectrum of emotions when it comes to her. Usually simultaneously & it's all the time. But...I still feel the way I always did. I've succumbed to that. This is who I am. This is how I will be. It's not going to ease or go away. Or heal, for that matter. It just is what it is. Even when it doesn't matter, it still isn't going to change for me. She made the comment that all of that was "water under the bridge". Not so much. Not for me. I'm not over it. I never will be. Obviously. Am I still angry with her? Not really. I hate him. I wish she'd get away from him. Get the girls away from him. Then she asked me if it was odd...us talking. Well...DUH! lol I mean, come on! hahaha ;-p Then she asked if it bothered me. I just laughed. My gut reaction was "No!" But, I guess, in a way it does. I'm petrified of when she disappears again. :/ Our history almost guarantees it's gonna happen. It's just a matter of WHEN! But she's so proud of how well she's been keeping in touch! So am I...but don't tell her that! ;-) But still...waiting for the other shoe & all...

I realize I much prefer talking to her, hearing her...more than typing on FB...*sighs*

I also realize that I am travelling down a very dark & scary road. One I've been on before. And yet...even KNOWING...I just can't help myself...