*is CONFUSED*

Amanda was opening by herself today. We've no idea when Lori will be coming in now that she's having to take the bus to work. I was due in at 9:30, like usual. Kelli was coming in around 11ish. Yeah, so...I dunno...*SOMETHING* was in the works for today cuz...I got bored this morning & ended up getting to work at 9:15. I walk in & it's kinda mass chaos. Ginny was there, buying books & Amanda had sold her one that was paid for by another customer that hadn't picked hers up yet. She was gonna run home though & get her copy to sell to the customer that had already paid for it & reorder one for herself. When she got back, she had no book & was crying! When she'd walked in her house, she walked in on Dan & a mutual friend about to fuck...

OMG!!!!

In HER bed!

She'd called Kelli to come in early. Here is where the chaos really begins. Amanda left, we suddenly got dumped on & here we're realizing it's just gonna be me & Kelli all day. Lori never counts--if she's there or not cuz she doesn't work the front. THEN...the lady with the book that was already paid for that Amanda gave to Ginny came in! It took me & Kelli a moment to realize what Amanda had done cuz see, she hadn't explained to me WHY she needed to go home & get her copy! So...Kelli took off to go over to Amanda's to get the book while the lady waited & Amanda showed back up at the store with the book! LOL Tried to call Kelli but she'd left her phone at the store! *snorts* Egads!

If I'd gone in at my NORMAL time, Amanda still would've gone home but she would've missed walking in on Dan & Audrey. O. M. G. How freaky is that?! :/

Now, we weren't really all that busy today. But we got an order in & it took Kelli til 4 pm to get it checked in & put away. Going in too many different directions all day to just get it done like normal. And my mind was in a million different directions all day (work, Sara, Tanya, Amanda) & I didn't sleep very well last night so I'm just...exhausted!

I get home & have a couple of chats with Sara. And, really, I'm just...I dunno! Lost?! I'm so fucken confused...

And So It Is...

So...after thinking about mine & Amanda's convo last night...I've just emailed both Sara & Tanya...about THAT whole thing & how I'm feeling about it. I forgive Tanya for betraying me & I'm afraid of Sara because I now feel like the *ULTIMATE* fool. I'm embarrassed by it. I wasn't even really sure of the words until I wrote them. Now, I just have to wait to see their responses. Tanya has been a part of my life since I was 5 years old. She's FAMILY! The only real family that I have. I still love Sara. Not that it matters. But I do. I probably always will. She's important to me...no matter how embarrassed I am, she's still important to me & so...I have to be honest with her. And myself. It's gonna make me crazy til I get responses from them but...off to work I go! :/

Eep!!

So...the 1st call we get at work today is the county sheriff's office, to talk to Cindy...about Lori. Ack!! She got arrested last night for a DUI! We've *been* telling her! *sighs* So they released her ROR after they confirmed employment with Cindy. She's lost her license though. Kelli took her up to get her car out of impound early in the afternoon. I was stuck on the counter til 2 pm. UGH!! :-( But I did manage to get a little bit done in Room 3 after all. Then, after work, Amanda drove Lori & her car home...all the way in Deltona. I followed & brought Amanda back home. She was very grateful to all of us today for helping her out. I mean, I've BEEN there...I know what it's like to be in that situation & have nobody you can count on. :/ It just made for a really long day. *shrugs*

Mike got us a picnic table for the back. I just happened to go out there when he was delivering it so I had to help him get it off the trailer & set it up under the awning. That bitch was HEAVY!! EEEP!!! :/

Mike & Cindy are leaving tomorrow for DC. The whole WWII veterans that they went to Palau to recover several weeks ago...the memorial service for them.

Cindy finished the newsletter today. I have to proof it now & then send it out Thur or Fri since she won't be here.

Cindy is also gonna try to cut hours, I think. I'm not real sure how that's gonna work! :-( We're already all running ragged as it is. She let John go, too. All he's been doing is busy work anyways & most of that, one of us had to go in behind him & fix so no big loss there. I guess I will stop eating if hours are cut too much...we'll see, I suppose.

Amanda & I had a talk this evening about the whole Sara/Tanya email thingy. She thinks I need to tell Tanya that I know what all was said. Just to get rid of that white elephant that's been between us for so long now. I'm still debating. I almost said something to her last night but changed my mind. I still really don't know what to say...to either of them. *SIGHS*

An Emotional Void...

I am *still* thinking, constantly, about the email Sara (Kat) sent me of the convo between her & Tanya. I can't NOT think about it! :/ There's soooo much of her thoughts that were not what was really happening. I tried to clarify a few things but there's still others. But...I haven't attempted to do them. After all, her mind was made up long ago that I had some sort of evil agenda against her & there's not really anything I can say that will change that.

She has contacted me on Yahoo a couple of times since the email, asking how I'm doing. I'm almost certain that it's not just a general inquiry of my well-being but, rather, she's specifically wanting to know how I'm dealing with the email knowledge. I've not asked her, of course, but...it's sad cuz...there was a time that her showing THAT kind of concern towards me would make my heart swell to a bursting point. The 1st time she asked, I slipped & told her I was kind of numb about it. The 2nd time, I kind of blew her off. I simply don't know what to say to her!! :/ I don't even know what to say to myself...

I am right back in time to that 1st month or so after everything exploded where I'm just...going through the motions. In disbelief, denial, shock & it's all on overload so I simply shut down & am in an emotional void. I wanted clarity & I guess, that's kinda what I got from it, after all. It has certainly made me re-evaluate my feelings that never truly wavered towards her & to second-guess my acceptance of Tanya back into my life. But where does that leave me exactly? I honestly...don't know! *sighs* Do I want to confront Tanya & tell her I saw what she said? No. I hate drama. And, really...how much does it matter anymore? Nobody gets inside my bubble anymore. Not even her. I don't trust her. I haven't for a very long time now. And...it seems I was right in not doing so! As for Sara...I can't be HAPPY about the things she said. I also can't express any true feelings about it cuz she doesn't want to hear it. Sooo...that puts me in this void.

Can you handle the truth?? I used to think so but now I'm not so sure! I FINALLY know the truth but I haven't got a fucken clue as to what to DO WITH IT! Argh.

WOW!!!

Kat just sent me & I've just finished reading all 31 pages of the Yahoo Messenger convo between her & Tanya on the night that I was put out & the following day. All I can truly say is...WOW!!! I don't think I can really come up with anything else to describe it...just...fucken...WOW!!! :/ Perspective is truly a daunting thing to acquire! *sighs*

Technical Difficulties!! ARGH!!

Ok, so, a few days ago, Kat posted pics of having her wrist tattoo redone. Someone had asked to see a pic of the original but she didn't keep any. lol I mentioned that I had some--I just had to get it off the desktop. Simple, right?! WRONG!!! The desktop. Yeah...umm...I can't remember exactly...but I think I got it in '02. I "upgraded" it with an NVIDIA graphics card in '07 (so I could play SL on it!). It has been in storage since Nov of '08 now. Til today! I plug it all up (scattered all over the floor, mind you!) & the monitor won't come on--just tells me it's in "Power Safe Mode" but I should be able to hit any key or move the mouse to bring it out of it. Nope. Doesn't work! So I Google the error message & see that Dell LCDs & NVIDIA graphics cards have a long-standing history of not getting along very well. AWESOME!! So I call my mom. Yep. She knows what I'm talking about cuz she's had the same problem before. Try her old monitor, she says. So I drive the 30 minutes to get to her house. Her old monitor...uhh...OK!! It's one of those ancient beasts that's as big as house!! You remember those?! LOL But...I'm willing to try whatever...cuz, you know, it's for Kat & all. *sighs* So I tote the thing home...

Coming home from my mom's, I am closer to Dan at the shop than I am my house so I decide to go ahead & swing by to talk to him about my tat. It just won't be for my birthday is all. I show him what I have & tell him my ideas. I knew they were going to the convention the 1st week of May anyway so he says when he gets back--the 2nd week of May. I'll get ahold of him closer to that time to actually schedule a sitting. I know *basically* what I want but have no clue or idea of how it can look decent so he's going to just use his talents & fix me up! :D

Anyway, so I get home with the ancient beast & lug it up the stairs! Ack!! Yeah. That was quite fun! :/ Plug it up. NOPE!! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! THIS one is telling me to check the signal! WTF?! So off to Google I go again. Guess what?! The answers I see all go back to that fucken NVIDIA graphics card!! GAHHH!!! So, yeah...I have no clue how to access the files on that comp without spending $100+ to upgrade to another graphics card! I'd rather spend that $ on my tat! ;-p I may eventually gather all the desktop pieces back up again & put them away. But not tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or...hmm...possibly Sun! lol ;-p In the meantime, I will continuously yell at Sebastian to leave it alone! hahahaha He's having fun with it! *snorts*

It is abso-freaking-lutely RIDICULOUS the shit I will *still* do for Kat!!! o.0 I need a labotomy...

Tattoo Plans Nixed!

So much for getting tattooed on the 1st!! ARGH! *sighs* I now hafta work...even though everybody else gets their birthdays off! So I'm not even gonna go talk to Dan today at all. Just gonna stay in my hidey hole instead...

BuZz!!!

About mid-afternoon yesterday, Kelli got fed up with her family's demands & decided she needed a drink!! Within minutes, it was a plan for us to all go to Chili's for margaritas!! haha Lori didn't go (*shock*). She, apparently, only likes to drink in dive bars. o.0 She's gonna get herself killed one of these days! :/ Stacy was invited but, of course, she didn't go. She doesn't socialize with us. So it ended up being me, Amanda, Kelli, Cindy & Mike. We had fun! We laughed. We embarassed the hell outta Mike! HAHA Food was great! I had my usual Quesadilla Explosion Salad. I had 2 cannisters of strawberry Presidente--that worked out to 8 glasses! LOL I didn't feel anything til the 7th. ;-p Then I buzzed really well for about an hour after I got home! ;-) And...happy, happy, joy, joy...I get to do this ALL OVER AGAIN tomorrow night! WooHoo! :D Book club is meeting at Chili's. heehee. So, anyway, we're all getting ready to leave & find out...Cindy & Mike had picked up ALL of our tabs!! OMG!! Wasn't expecting that!! Especially considering this little impromptu gathering was all Kelli's idea!! LOL I really do love them...Cindy & Mike. Super great people.

So it's taken me a year (or more) to decide on a tattoo. I'm gonna go talk to Dan about it this afternoon. Hopefully he is working on the 1st & I can get it done then. That way, it'll be my bday present to myself...the only way I'll "celebrate" the date at all. I will forever attempt to ignore my birthdays from now on, it seems. *sighs*

I still want him to do a custom piece but I haven't settled on the idea for that one yet. Someday...

I haven't been sleeping so well again for the last few days. *sighs* And to top it off, I feel a "hiding out" period coming on... :/

The Oddest Thing...

I was watching YouTube, to post a video of Love Can Build A Bridge by The Judds. While watching, I started crying. :/ SO stupid!! Not one that's affected me like that before...*sighs* Guess it's gonna be one of *THOSE* kinda days!! Ughhhhh...

Kat's Twin!!

Kat has a twin here & she freaks me the fuck out everytime I see her!! lol She's not an exact replica; she's a bit heavier & her hair is longer. But she's close enough that I stop breathing for a bit until my brain realizes it's NOT Her! ;-p She needs to stop coming in the store...haha!!

Household Crap Kinda Day!!

I was off today. Generally, when I'm off, I stay up til 2-4 am. Nope! I was out before 11 pm last night!! Actually...I haven't seen midnight...in over a week!! And I know why but I'm pathetic so I'll just keep that my little secret! ;-p Oh, & not only did I go to sleep before 11 but I slept until 9 am! HA!! been doing a lot of that, too...sleeping lots of hours at a time. But...again...*pathetic*...so we won't go into details! *chuckles*

So, anyway, I got up, played on FB while waiting my turn to use the washer/dryer. lol As I was starting my load of laundry, Judy got to see my folded dirty laundry!! HA!!! Yes. My OCD. Everyone who ever gets to witness it, makes fun of me! I HATE DOING LAUNDRY!!!!! *sighs heavily* :/ Anyhoo!! Moving on...

Got lost in the music while I was doing chores. :/ That's not always a GOOD thing! Did a load of laundry. Did the dishes. Cleaned the bathroom. Cleaned the kitty litter. A TOTAL clean-up job! Totally emptied it, washed the pan & put in new litter. Then I vacuumed the whole place. Put my heater away...don't need it anymore...SUMMER is here! Then I went to Publix. Out of tea for work. lol On the way to Publix, I noticed I was overdue for an oil change so I whipped in there & got that done. He says I also need to change the fuel filter & do an injection cleaning. Apparently it's the original filter that's on there (car is an '05). *shrugs* Can't do that this month. That's kinda pricey! Maybe next month...

Came home & did dinner & a movie. More FB.

OH!! haha I talked to Kat off & on for a bit today. Too cute! ;-p Last convo...she asked me if all of my FB statuses are about her!! My 1st reaction?? I died laughing!! Cuz...you know...it was funny! ;-p But...really....I thought it was cute. She has been the center of my world for soooooo long now!! Could almost be a rhetorical question!! haha But, no...I was completely candid with her. (Not even sure WHY I am so candid with her now...*sighs*) If I post something that has *anything* to do with love, she can be guaranteed that it's about her!! 95% of anything else...is directed at someone else. Or even myself! She asked me about it so as to keep the lines of communication open instead of just taking offense & getting pissed off like she used to. Which...makes a LOT of things make sense now!! I always wondered WTF she would just up & disappear on me!!! She'd get pissed about something I'd say that wasn't even directed at her...?! FFS!!! :-( Meh...live & learn...no??? :/ She didn't ask about all of the music videos that I post though. Erm...I'm thinking...those are CERTAINLY obvious!! *snorts* Those are ALLLLLLLLLLL her. o.0

So, anyway...busy day that ended quietly with a bit of a recharge in the middle!! Not too bad of a day! ;-) I'm so retarded...LOL! HA!! Oh, wait...PATHETIC!! Uhh...retardedly pathetic?! o.0 Whatever...

A DAY!!!!

Started getting ready to get Sebastian ready to go to the vet this morning...& I had to CHASE HIM DOWN!!! That's never happened before!!! Getting him into his carrier was another battle that's never happened before either!! UGH!! WTF?! lol So I dropped him at the vet's & went to work. Got there at 8:15. Stacy & Kelli got there at 10. Stacy read her letter & never said a word (at least, not while I was around!). But she & Kelli spent some time after that, scheduling her days off around school for the month of May. Hopefully this will *finally* work the way it needs to! She was pleasant anytime that I was around her. I was shocked by that. But I spent the rest of the day working on my project. I went to pick up Sebastian at 4. Brought him home & he was still dopey. Not walking so well! I'm *SO* going to Hell for laughing at him!! LOL ;-p However...I'm worried! He's still trying to hump me! ACK!! 1st of all, he falls over when he tries it. Secondly, it's not like before. Now he just sits & shudders all over. It seems...painful?! I'm hoping this goes away as he heals! :/ It's 11 pm now & he's eating, walking better, gone to the potty, getting around everywhere like normal so he's definitely coming around!

OH!!!! And baby Cameron finally showed up sometime after 8 pm! YAY!!! :D Got a pic of Mike holding him! Cute! lol Can't wait to meet him! ;-)

I'm tired. It's been a long day. :/

Uhh...I have blisters on my sunburned shoulder. They hurt! I'm gonna hafta pop em. Tomorrow. Ouchies. :/ I'm so not good at inflicting pain on myself...*sighs*

ZzzzzZZZzzzZzzZZZZ!!!

It's just after 8 pm & I'm fighting to keep my eyes open!! :/

Sunburn is a bit uncomfortable...

Sebastian goes in to get fixed in the morning! I'm gonna open by myself (for only the 2nd time). Cindy's grandson is coming tomorrow!! WOOHOO! Can't wait to see him! ;-) They're inducing labor at 8 am!

I need to read on our book club book but my eyes aren't really focusing on much.

Stacy comes back tomorrow. I'm curious of the outcome...

I am avoiding .977. lol *sighs* Maybe I'll watch an ep or 2 of Bones...

Therapy Day!!

I was asleep by 10:30 last night!! Just utterly exhausted! It's been a helluva week! :/ And...I was still sleeping soundly at 8 am when my alarm went off! o.0

Wasted some time waiting for Amanda to get ready to go to the beach. Listening to .977 & playing on FB. UGH!! .977 was totally against me this morning!!! Heard 2 out of the 3 Top Songs for Her!! Fuck me!! *sighs* No One by Alicia Keys which has a very negative connotation to it due to me listening to it over & over & over way back when...when she'd cheated on me with some douchebag. I fought very hard for her during that timeframe. Then I heard Clumsy by Fergie, which was my #2 song about how I felt. It's her unique ringtone on my phone (even still). Both of these, I haven't heard in a very long time!! I figured, after the 2nd one, if I heard the last one..the #1 song... (Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis)...I'd just slit my throat & get it over with!!!! Needless to say, by the time we left for the beach...I was in *ultimate* need of getting that therapy that the beach always gives me!! :/

It was a bit overcast & a little cool (71) but it wasn't crowded & was just very, very NICE!! I got to sit & just exhale for a little bit!! :-) Water is still cold! lol I waded a little bit. But I watched the boys run & play. Watched the waves. Felt the breeze. Watched the birds. Watched the clouds. And just...centered. R-E-L-I-E-F!! I got a pretty good burn, too. It's only just now settling in. When I 1st got home, it didn't look/feel this bad. Oh, well. Was SO worth it!! Nevermind the fact that I *always* burn...no matter what! I need to go to therapy once a week while the weather's nice now. Can't really enjoy it in the winter! ;-p

Stacy Drama...

OMG @ fucken Stacy!!! DUDE!! *sighs*

She started texting me at 7:30 this am! UGH!! Calling in for the 2nd day in a row! And, btw, she's OFF tomorrow!! Sun & Mon, too, are her scheduled days off. FFS! Anyway, it was this long, drawn out text discussion. *sighs* I just told her, flat out & I wasn't being snotty or anything...but she took offense to what I was telling her & got all pissy! WTFever. Got to work & Amanda, Cindy & Kelli all read the texts between us. We're ALL over her at this point. Already looking for her replacement (just in case). Cindy has officially written her up. Course...she won't know that til Tue!! I imagine she'll just get pissed off & quit. Whatever. She's never there anyway...if she quits, it won't be a big loss. So...anyway...that little ordeal just set the tone for the entire day!! Ugh. *sighs*

I worked on my project for the majority of the day again. I'm so fucken sore & exhausted &...I'm ready for tomorrow to be over with already!!!!!!! I want Sun to be here! Supposed to go to the beach with Amanda & her crew...I *SO* need the therapy that the beach always gives me! :/

Just Don't Get It!!

At 8:07 this morning, Stacy starts texting me. Right away, I knew she was calling in!! o.0 Yep. Sure enough! Said she's been up since 6:30 am yesterday, working on this paper that was due today. Said she was still in the same clothes & cracked out on caffeine. Uhh...ok?! You know, I've been writing since I was 12-ish. Poetry. Stories. I can't say that it comes easy to me but...for the life of me...I CANNOT figure out how it could take more than 24+ straight hours to write a 1500 word essay (that's 2-3 PAGES!!)...especially when I listened to her spout all of this info out to Lori about what she was writing it on!! I just *don't* get it but it's whatever! We were ok without her. And *still* no grandbaby for Cindy! He's quite comfy where he is apparently! ;-p But we all can't wait to meet him! :D

Today was my 2nd day in a row that I've strictly been on Project duty. Almost did nothing the past 2 days except work in Room 3. Everything *HURTS*!!! :/ And I'm fucken exhausted...

I need to call the vet to see if I can get Sebastian in to get fixed yet. I was gonna do it this morning but was texting with Stacy...*sighs*. Cindy offered to front me the money for it, if I need to & I can pay her back, $10/mo. lol He *needs* to get fixed! He humps my arm every night now...LOL. EWWWW!!!

Another Phone Call...

Phone calls that have an air of ease & familiarity when...*technically*...they SHOULDN'T...are a bit frightening...

She called me again tonight. We talked for almost an hour. I have to say...this convo was better than the 1st. 1st of all, she caught me completely by surprise with the 1st one! I hadn't heard her voice in over a year. It was difficult, at best. But this time...it was different. It was like old times. We talked about Talon, Finn & Neenah. We talked about Ben, the girls, her schooling. I also found something out. Way back when, I always got embarrassed & self-conscious when it came to me admitting out loud anything about my feelings. I had a couple of "confessions" tonight...& wasn't embarrassed. They just came out! BLOOP! Just like that! I think...or I wonder anyway...if it's because it's just been so fucking long? I mean, my feelings haven't changed. Not the core feelings. I *still* experience the entire spectrum of emotions when it comes to her. Usually simultaneously & it's all the time. But...I still feel the way I always did. I've succumbed to that. This is who I am. This is how I will be. It's not going to ease or go away. Or heal, for that matter. It just is what it is. Even when it doesn't matter, it still isn't going to change for me. She made the comment that all of that was "water under the bridge". Not so much. Not for me. I'm not over it. I never will be. Obviously. Am I still angry with her? Not really. I hate him. I wish she'd get away from him. Get the girls away from him. Then she asked me if it was odd...us talking. Well...DUH! lol I mean, come on! hahaha ;-p Then she asked if it bothered me. I just laughed. My gut reaction was "No!" But, I guess, in a way it does. I'm petrified of when she disappears again. :/ Our history almost guarantees it's gonna happen. It's just a matter of WHEN! But she's so proud of how well she's been keeping in touch! So am I...but don't tell her that! ;-) But still...waiting for the other shoe & all...

I realize I much prefer talking to her, hearing her...more than typing on FB...*sighs*

I also realize that I am travelling down a very dark & scary road. One I've been on before. And yet...even KNOWING...I just can't help myself...

April Fool's Day...

EVERY day that I continue to exist is a joke...

Woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday. Dunno why. And kept thinking that most of the day! *shrugs*

I got lost in the music for several hours today. A mixture of emotions there. I always have that problem when listening to .977. That was our favorite radio station in SL...

I have to open tomorrow & it's already almost 1 am. Fuck me...*sighs*

4 Thoughts...

As usual, I am left with recurring thoughts after a convo. They keep running through my mind constantly...

1. Chemistry
2. Choices Not Made
3. Nostalgia

And though I saw the words, I wonder. I wonder if they meant something other than how I took them...

And...4. Why my PM on FB hasn't been replied to yet when She's been on several times since it was sent... :/

And so I'm lost in this sea of helplessness yet again...the cycle is in full swing!!