A Step in the Right Direction...

I've felt...ehh..."off-kilter"...for months now. Various reasons. I want a change in my life. No...I want SEVERAL changes in my life!! 2 of which are my ongoing battles with the New Year Resolutions that I keep attempting. And the 3rd, too. But there's more than those, as well. Lately my world has been smothering me. Everything has fallen down around me, clouded my judgement, pushed my emotions to warp speed & back to numb repeatedly, made my mind whirl with what ALL there is in my life that I need to "fix"...*sighs*. In a nutshell...I am not HAPPY. With ANY aspect of my life. My health, my body, my mind, my spirit, money, my home, my car, my job...ME! None of it. The worst part of it is...it's all connected! I can't manage to make myself diet properly or stop buying cigarettes because my mind is chaos & my spirit is in mourning. I can't save money for better things because I keep buying cigarettes & I have that stupid car note. My job is a dead-end so I'm never going to be better off financially than I am right now, regardless. I feel STUCK...my entire world is like quicksand...2 steps forward, 10 steps back...my redeeming moments are provided by my friends. But even they can't keep me continually afloat. I'm beyond depressed about a particular "relationship" & that overshadows it all. No matter how much I tell myself there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to fix it...I am mourning it all the same. The sparkles in my darkness aren't constant, they can't dissipate the eternal blackness of everything else that surrounds them. They are...quite simply...moments of light in my day that I certainly cherish...but know they can't save me. I hafta save myself...

I've been interested in Witchcraft since...forever! I dunno...as a child even. And I've taken several attempts at schooling myself on Magick...but never quite made any progress. Several times, I've bought books, looked for Covens, searched for Mentors...again, no luck. But there's something IN me that craves this information. That knows, without a doubt, that THIS is my singular belief system...I just need the help in learning how to use it. After Xmas, I ran across an online Witchcraft School. I've perused the website multiple times. Finally signed up for the classes in January. I could FEEL my moment of Zen transcend upon me the moment I got my acceptance letter! :D This just FEELS SO RIGHT! But...then life got in the way & I've not actually started the classes. I was too busy being suffocated by my world. :/

Today...I managed to take a step in the right direction...for once...

Mom had told me about this online job she'd run across a while back. Again...suffocating in my life...so I pushed it aside. I got the info from her again yesterday...& this morning I read all about it, did the tutorials & took my Readiness Exam. :-) They say they will let me know if they hire me in 2-4 days. *crosses fingers*

Then...I took another step in the right direction...

I just finished reading over my 1st Lesson in Witch School. I have to take the next month & create a Project. I will start gathering the materials needed tomorrow. :-)

Right NOW...this moment...I feel a sense of PEACE that I have not felt in many, many, many months!!! I feel accomplished. Like I've opened some invisible doors & released the pent-up pressure that was residing in that locked room. I feel POSITIVE. A weight has been lifted. And I can face whatever battle comes next with my head held high. I can recreate my world. It's all up to me. I'm sick of the negative weighing me down. I want something better...something more...something I deserve. I deserve to be Happy. And only I can create that within myself...