Getting Back to Normal...

I had a Sunday. A kinda almost "normal" Sunday. lol It's been a super long time since I've had one of those! ;-p

Amanda texted about 15 minutes before I actually woke up, about meeting for breakfast. By the time I ran through FB & got a shower & got downstairs, she was here...talking to Judy outside. haha We then went & met up with Kelli at IHOP. It was super packed but we had a good time! We talked about the "situation" & pledged to do hang out days on a regular basis now. It was easy to not just go hang out together when we saw each other all day long at work. :/

Talking with Manda, I realized why Cindy's "I love you" speech was so irksome. I'm not "OUT". I mean, I don't advertise my persuasion, nor am I butch so it's not outwardly obvious. Nor do I gawk at or lust after my co-workers or customers. So it was offensive to me for her to use that particular part of ME to insinuate herself! And that's why I'm so weirded out right now. *sighs*

Anyway, I got home from brunch with the girls & spent some time searching Stetson & DBC for writing courses. If she wants to pay for something that will be a benefit to ME...why not take her up on it?! :-p Then I looked for stuff that would be available online. Then I thought I might take a nap. I tried for an hour or 2 but the rest of the chores I need to do kept playing around in my head so I finally got back up. I cleaned the bathroom, did kitty litter, vacuumed, hung up laundry & now...a movie! It's almost time for bed. Gotta open tomorrow.

I really, really, REALLY like being almost back to my "normal"!! ;-)

Pulling Out the Stops...

So...not long after Cindy got in this morning, she approached me by saying, "I've been thinking..." UH OH!! That's ALWAYS kinda scary! ;-p Yeah, so...she's gonna give me a raise (a WHOLE $.75! *woot*) o.0 But...she also wants to pay for me to take a creative writing course at DBC. Umm...wow. Ok. AND...she wants to try to host a writing group after-hours at the store sometime. Mmk. Like...just wow. She's really starting to scare me...

Everyone says the same thing. She's trying everything she can think of to keep me. So why the Hell isn't she kissing Kelli's ass, too?!?! Ughhh...

Anyway...the day itself went along ok. I've got Amanda's check, 2 books that she ordered & I'm hooking up with her tomorrow to trade them for the store key. Sheesh...*rolls eyes* I think Stacy actually STILL has her key! ROFL!!!!

I've started laundry since I've been home, done the dishes. About to start 2nd load of laundry now. I can't figure out why I've got this energy!! ?!?! But might as well take advantage of it!! This weekend, I need to clean the bathroom, do kitty litter, vacuum, put up clean laundry, do some store work...I'm sure there's more. Should probably get started on this month's book club book, too.

The Culmination...

Well...it's over. Not really...but the biggest part of the major stress...now we move towards moving on & seeing where we end up...

It was pre-decided as of Thursday that Amanda would be calling in "sick" on Friday (she already had Saturday scheduled off as it's a boy weekend). She's not sick, of course, but she needed the time away from Cindy, to calm down & gather her thoughts. Now all of this really started with Kelli's email to Cindy that resulted in Cindy's reply where she called Amanda a prima donna. Kelli responded to Cindy finally on Thursday night. Amanda then responded to Cindy's email...but it's been lying in wait...with it ending with 2 options. Amanda would quit or Cindy could take a 2 week vacation from the store, allowing Manda to work a 2-week Notice & train Karen to do some of the chores she does. It was "planned" that Manda would send this email to Cindy Friday afternoon. Cindy had sent me an email Thursday night, wanting me to cross-train Claire on the internet stuff! Now...THAT pissed me off! And I belted out a response to her but I didn't send it. I planned on sending it Friday night when I got home. EVERYONE...(Amanda, Kelli, Stacy, Judy, Dan) absolutely LOVED my email...lol! It takes a LOT for me to stand up & say what's bothering me. You just don't understand!! I am submissive. I take & I take & I take...until I break. I admit, I let her have it with both barrels...but I was completely honest. I always am but I mean...nothing I said was "wrong", it was the whole truth. And I simply said what both Kelli & Amanda had been saying...just a little more bluntly. *chuckles* Let's just say...things didn't go according to plan!

Manda sent her mass text (to me, Kelli & Cindy) that she was sick & wouldn't be in around 7:30. I opened yesterday (Friday). Actually had to go in earlier than normal to let the pest control guys in to finish up their job. Cindy came in just after 9, in a mood. Didn't say a word to me, just started doing whatever & slamming things around a little bit. When she finally HAD to speak to me...it was strained. I couldn't wait for Kelli to get there at 10! Ugh. Around 10:30, Cindy asked where Amanda was. Kelli & I looked at each other for a moment & Kelli made the comment that she'd texted that she was sick. Well, that was all it took! Cindy went off on a rant about how "convenient" that was, this being a boy weekend & she could get more time off now, blah, blah, blah. I texted Manda & told her. Her response..."Fuck her! I'm sending the email now!" As Cindy continued to go into meltdown mode & stormed around the store...we started getting busy. You cannot imagine the amount of CHAOS!!! Cindy blasted out a nasty text to Manda once she saw she'd gotten the text from her. She then started telling Kelli she wanted a meeting, across the street at IHOP, cuz they couldn't talk there. Again, keep in mind, that we are busy at this moment. Cindy actually got pulled away to look for a book for a phone customer. I checked her email to see if Manda's email was there yet & it was. Kelli thought she needed to see the email before they had their meeting. I then got pulled away with a customer & when I got back to the front, Cindy was pounding away a response to Manda & then she & Kelli were out the door to IHOP. I checked her response. Nothing there much except that we were busy & she had planned on meeting with all 3 of us separately today to try to discuss ways we could fix "us". And then I was by myself for like an hour. Kelli came back & told me I needed to go next door next. ACK!! Then she told me NOT to send her my email cuz...apparently...Cindy thinks I'm the Cat's Meow! WTF?!?! o.0

So I walk over to IHOP & we sit down. She immediately starts babbling about how awesome I am, how I've taken her by surprise in the last few months by stepping up & running the store, working around everyone else's issues, doing everything that needed to be done cuz they weren't getting done, my knowledge of books & the internet stuff has blown her away, how I am with the customers, how I treat all of them, how I'm the only one she can ever really depend on, etc, etc, etc. I just sat there silent...cuz what could I say?! It's who I am. When I'm dedicated to something, when I'm invested, I give 120%...ALWAYS! I've always been like that! It's just what I do. We talked about what she can do differently. I told her she's a complete spazz & makes us all crazy. She needs to calm down & just let each day flow. Don't get in a tizzy when something happens! Don't bounce off the walls! Just go with it. That's how we all do it. Every day is different. We take it as it comes & deal with it. When she's not there, we have a sort of peace within our working unit because this is how we handle it. When she's there, she causes chaos & we ALL react to it! She told me she didn't want to take the internet stuff away from me at all but in case I wanted to take a vacation (who could afford THAT?!) or am off & something needs to be posted, somebody ELSE knows how to do it! I totally understand that. But the website is MY baby...me alone! lol She then started talking about Amanda & how we all catered to her & gave her everything & let her do whatever she wanted. I tried to explain that we ALL get special treatment when we need it. It wasn't ever just Amanda! But she wasn't hearing me so I tried to just move away from it. She said she'd finally admitted it to herself...she simply didn't like Amanda. I laughed & said it was mutual! ;-p Then she took me...off guard. She told me she loved me. I'm like...ok. o.0 Then she says, "No, I REALLY love you! You don't understand..." She started crying! I'm like...oh, fuck! She says, "If things were different, I'd want you as my girlfriend." You know that Deer in the Headlights look...?? Yeah...YEAH!!! That was me...I'm SO fucken sure of it!!! I don't want to even contemplate the nuances of that few moments there but...just...EWWW!! o.0 Anyway, we finally managed to get away from that awkwardness by talking about from now on, we just need to tell her when something's up. I told her I don't do confrontation...I will not easily just TELL someone when they're bothering me, hurting me, pissing me off. She said that when she gets these emails, THAT is a confrontation to her. Being her friend, I should just pull her aside...& SAY whatever...in the moment! Umm...yeah...I dunno...we'll see. I understand her point. I do! But I told her that NONE of us ever feels like she HEARS us...so she ends up with an email! LOL It was funny...I had the thought at that point...that talking to her...was like talking to my EX....all over again!!! FML...*sighs*

Anyway, the rest of the day went well. I got off at 4 & went home. Met Judy as I was coming in so had to tell her about the day. Made plans to go over to Manda's for dinner to tell her about the day...lol. Stacy called & I told her about the day. Came inside & sat down & within a little bit, it started hitting me. The RELIEF. I damn near fell asleep!! The stress & exhaustion of the last few weeks just washed away & I felt like I could finally breathe for the 1st time. The next little while isn't going to be easy. It's going to all fall on me & Kelli now. Me mostly cuz Kelli still isn't 100% with her injury. But...I hope that the constant drama & stress will subside. I'm going to start sending out my resume whenever I have a spare moment here & there though. I don't trust Cindy & I don't trust the job. Plain & simple...

Went to Manda's for dinner. Saw my boys! :D Dan & Dylan were there. Dan tried talking me into doing a blog about SOMETHING I'm passionate about because of my writing (all from that email to Cindy...LMAO!) Judy had kinda said the same thing...that if Cindy didn't know I could write & that I AM intelligent...she certainly would after reading that email. *chuckles*

I'm still holding onto that email in my Drafts. Now that the problem-child Amanda is gone (*snorts*), if things don't change, I WILL send that to Cindy! It wasn't Amanda's fault. Cindy will never take responsibility for herself. But if things still don't change...that just leaves Cindy as being the issue...

Fall Apart to Come Together?

I've decided...to back off on the dieting, for now. Or, rather...the ATTEMPT at dieting! I can't do that while trying to stop smoking, too. The smoking is the bigger priority, so I need to get a handle on that 1st. Speaking of...I've been back on the patch since the 22nd (Tuesday).

I think the work situation is just about to explode! Kelli sent Cindy an email yesterday (on behalf of the 3 of us: Kelli, me & Manda. She sugar-coated what was said & still didn't really say what needed to be said. Anyway...about 8 pm, Cindy emailed Kelli back, Kelli texted me & called Amanda & then Amanda called me. Yay. Sheesh. *sighs* In Cindy's email, she called Amanda a prima donna & said if we could find ourselves a new boss to buy the business for $500K, she'd be gone in a heartbeat! $500K?!?! Is she out of her mind???? She didn't pay that for it! And she thinks she's gonna run a thriving business into the ground & THEN make money off it by selling it?! She's more retarded than any of us thought! Anyway...shit is gonna hit the fan...soon. Amanda may be walking out even sooner than July. *sighs* If Cindy would just stay the fuck OUT of the store, we could run it without any issues & get another body in there that could do the grunt work. But it's not gonna happen that way...

I'm just...I dunno...*sighs*...I'm almost frantic about what's gonna happen when Amanda & Kelli leave...I can't DO this by myself!

A Step in the Right Direction...

I've felt...ehh..."off-kilter"...for months now. Various reasons. I want a change in my life. No...I want SEVERAL changes in my life!! 2 of which are my ongoing battles with the New Year Resolutions that I keep attempting. And the 3rd, too. But there's more than those, as well. Lately my world has been smothering me. Everything has fallen down around me, clouded my judgement, pushed my emotions to warp speed & back to numb repeatedly, made my mind whirl with what ALL there is in my life that I need to "fix"...*sighs*. In a nutshell...I am not HAPPY. With ANY aspect of my life. My health, my body, my mind, my spirit, money, my home, my car, my job...ME! None of it. The worst part of it is...it's all connected! I can't manage to make myself diet properly or stop buying cigarettes because my mind is chaos & my spirit is in mourning. I can't save money for better things because I keep buying cigarettes & I have that stupid car note. My job is a dead-end so I'm never going to be better off financially than I am right now, regardless. I feel STUCK...my entire world is like quicksand...2 steps forward, 10 steps back...my redeeming moments are provided by my friends. But even they can't keep me continually afloat. I'm beyond depressed about a particular "relationship" & that overshadows it all. No matter how much I tell myself there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to fix it...I am mourning it all the same. The sparkles in my darkness aren't constant, they can't dissipate the eternal blackness of everything else that surrounds them. They are...quite simply...moments of light in my day that I certainly cherish...but know they can't save me. I hafta save myself...

I've been interested in Witchcraft since...forever! I dunno...as a child even. And I've taken several attempts at schooling myself on Magick...but never quite made any progress. Several times, I've bought books, looked for Covens, searched for Mentors...again, no luck. But there's something IN me that craves this information. That knows, without a doubt, that THIS is my singular belief system...I just need the help in learning how to use it. After Xmas, I ran across an online Witchcraft School. I've perused the website multiple times. Finally signed up for the classes in January. I could FEEL my moment of Zen transcend upon me the moment I got my acceptance letter! :D This just FEELS SO RIGHT! But...then life got in the way & I've not actually started the classes. I was too busy being suffocated by my world. :/

Today...I managed to take a step in the right direction...for once...

Mom had told me about this online job she'd run across a while back. Again...suffocating in my life...so I pushed it aside. I got the info from her again yesterday...& this morning I read all about it, did the tutorials & took my Readiness Exam. :-) They say they will let me know if they hire me in 2-4 days. *crosses fingers*

Then...I took another step in the right direction...

I just finished reading over my 1st Lesson in Witch School. I have to take the next month & create a Project. I will start gathering the materials needed tomorrow. :-)

Right NOW...this moment...I feel a sense of PEACE that I have not felt in many, many, many months!!! I feel accomplished. Like I've opened some invisible doors & released the pent-up pressure that was residing in that locked room. I feel POSITIVE. A weight has been lifted. And I can face whatever battle comes next with my head held high. I can recreate my world. It's all up to me. I'm sick of the negative weighing me down. I want something better...something more...something I deserve. I deserve to be Happy. And only I can create that within myself...

Private Thoughts...

I think...in order to battle this depression...I'm gonna hafta get out some thoughts. Private thoughts. I've kept them bottled up inside, only thinking about them...not processing them. I'll do that tonight...

I've always dealt with things better when I write them out but I've not been allowing myself that capacity here.

I puked 2 more times over night...& again while getting ready for work a bit ago. I'm not "sick". I see that now. Anytime I get depressed like this, it usually manifests itself physically...I get physically ill. I should've realized this sooner. Like earlier in the week. My entire body is aching constantly. That's usually one of the 1st tangible signs...*sighs*

Resolutions--Week 7

BLEH!! I'm constantly exhausted! Can't manage to buckle down & DO these things! :/ Don't have the energy to apply towards them. Feel like I'm just walking through my life like a zombie. I finally realized that I'm depressed...& that's the biggest reason for me not caring. *sighs* At least, acknowledging it is half the battle...right?! :-(

*Diet: Gained 4.4 pounds this week! YIKES! :-( Still at a total loss of 1.6 pounds though...bleh.

*Smoking: Still smoking! No end in sight...

I've spent the last few days feeling overly FAT & sluggish...& just wanna sleep--nothing else! Except smoke...& eat. Spent yesterday puking every hour or so most of the day. Bleh. But it was yesterday that I realized that even by ignoring it on the outside, successfully burying my head...it doesn't matter. I AM depressed & that's why I have zero motivation. Regardless of how much I deny being bothered or upset...it's STILL affecting me! Bleh...dunno how to pull myself up out of it yet. Just keep ignoring it?

Kelli will be back on Monday. Manda says she'll stay through June (long enough to take her vacation). Dunno what Kelli's planning. Then there's me. I dunno what to do. I really don't care all that much at the moment. *sighs* Being depressed touches every aspect of my life, not just one...

Resolutions--Week 6

Hmm...

*Diet: Well, only lost .8 pounds this week (total loss = 5.2 pounds). I've truly not been paying attention to it at all. Too much else going on...

*Smoking: Epic FAIL!! I started smoking late last Saturday night (went out at 10 pm to buy some!)...was out by Sunday afternoon. Wore the patch on Monday & Tuesday but bought more cigs that Tue night...& haven't quit since. Bleh. Eventually...

But I guess the BIG news is...I am going to go back to blogging like normal. I've regained the freedom to be able to use MY blog as I see fit! FFS. *sighs* ONE portion of my life will be off-limits for a while (because I choose for it to be--it's pointless to discuss since I cannot comprehend it at all anyway. *shrugs*) But, I'm thinking in a pretty short time period, it won't be an issue at all anyway, as it will have dissolved & disappeared. C'est la vie...

So, I suppose, a sort of "re-cap" is in order, huh? Well, work is exploding...in all sorts of manners. We've been on skeleton crew since November. We are starting to have the problems associated with that. Certain things aren't getting done that NEED to be done...cuz, well, there aren't enough of us there to DO them!! Rooms 3 & 4 are complete disaster areas again. The spinners pretty much stay bare. Business seems to have picked up & we stay buried in processing. Which creates the other problem...flats of books stay stacked higher than I am tall cuz nobody can get away to put them out! Argh!

2-3 weeks ago, Kelli took a mis-step & took a tumble. She did as much damage as possible to her ankle as she could possibly do without actually breaking any bones. Torn ligaments & tendons. Her leg looks like a rainbow! So she's been on crutches & doesn't really get around well. She's been at work but doing stuff she can do sitting down. Our jobs aren't the sitting down (for long) type!! So while Manda & I don't care that we have to tend to her needs...we definitely notice the difference in not having her 100%! :-( Cindy is useless...& causes MUCH unneeded chaos...so it all falls to me & Manda. *sighs*

Cindy hired this woman, Karen, PT (for the kids area mainly & possibly to take over the Amazon Listings in the future), a couple of weeks ago. While she's of no help to me & Manda...she is taking the load off of Kelli! So that's a PLUS.

Kelli finally decided to take next week off...to stay off her foot & try to heal a little faster. I'm not looking forward to next week...at all! Grr...

Still working on the website. To top it off, Cindy gave me a FOLDER of information...things I have to do/get us involved in...as far as Online Presence goes...yesterday. Sooo...not only have I been coming home dead the last however many months...& I've been beyond dead the last few weeks...that is now gonna INCREASE! o.0

Oh, but wait...it gets even better! Manda is so unbelievably stressed with her life & now her refuge (work) is putting her over the edge! *cries* Cindy is back to being Cindy & some of the things she says are just...unbelievable. Manda is totally pissed off & on her way out the door. Dan gave her the ok yesterday to give her 2 weeks notice when we get paid at the end of the month...*cries again*

FML. Just fuck it...ALL!

Resolutions--Week 5

Forward...motion...?

*Diet: Well, did a little better this week. Lost 3 pounds this week...making the total loss at 4.4 pounds. Heh...not much but something!

*Smoking: Re-started myself on the patches on 2/3. Using the e-cig for cravings. It's going ok so far. I still WANT to smoke! I think that's the biggest problem. If I was rich, I wouldn't try to stop. I'm only trying to quit cuz I can't afford it. :/ No other reason. And that's really not a very good reason...not enough to fuel willpower very well anyway...bleh...