Bad, Bad Day...

Yesterday...was a horrible day. :/

We knew that Cindy had made the decision to fire Stacy...& we were all on edge about it. Kelli had been delegated to deliver the news to her. We were all afraid she'd just explode & walk out. However, when Kelli got there, she told me & Amanda they were putting it off for a while, til they could crunch the numbers for how much Cindy's unemployment rate would rise. They did the numbers & Cindy proposed we could keep Stacy on for Fris & Sats BUT...Kelli would take a pay cut AND revert to hourly wages instead of salary. WTF?! They then decided to just go ahead & let her go. She took it surprisingly well! She was upset, understandably. Amanda & I were busy in Room 4 so we only got info second-hand but, apparently, Cindy & Stacy never spoke to each other after that & Stacy ended up going home around 2ish. Then on a smoke break, Cindy told me she was going to do the same with Lori...next time she comes in to work (which I think is today!). *sighs* Claire only works 3 days a week but she's phasing herself out. She possibly has another job lined up. Savannah isn't coming in too much anymore either cuz of school. That will leave us with 4 people to run this freaking store!! REALLY?! It's not gonna work. PLUS...Cindy is saying that she's leaving me & Amanda on 4 days/week! She is gonna work the 3 of us to death. And the 3 of us are each damaged in our own way so we will all...at some point...go down...for some period of time! We all have back problems. It won't take long til our bodies give out. We're also going into the holiday season when...typically...we get SLAMMED! Also, Nov & Dec, we will be open on Suns. So...4 people...are supposed to properly run a 7000 sq ft store containing 300,000 books (& MORE come in daily!), 9 hrs/day, 6 days/week? I SUCK at math...but even I know we can't accomplish this!!! I've spent the last year reorganizing Rooms 3 & 4 due to the fact we were short handed for 6 months & I didn't have the TIME to properly put books away. We will get overwhelmed yet again now...*sighs*. Not to mention, all of the web stuff & events, etc that we're trying to start up...I'm going to be working 24/7 almost. The future looks really, REALLY bleak at the moment...

Went to book club last night. 1st one I've gone to in 2 months. It was fun, as usual. But Sara called for a bit & I went outside to talk to her. I didn't even care. Had been a total shit day & I wanted/*needed* to talk to her. :/ Got home, knowing I wouldn't be up for long & expecting to get to talk to Jenn for a bit...she was watching tv instead so I just crashed. No remaining energy to put forth any more effort. *sighs*

But Jenn will be here in 6 days. I'm so *READY* for a vacation!! haha Especially after yesterday!! But as far as our relationship goes...I just dunno. I can't foresee what's gonna happen & I've given up trying to. It's just gotta happen at this point. She's gotta be here & we have to spend Real Time with each other. That's going to push this to wherever it's gonna go.

Anyway, I'm just down, I guess. It's affecting everything about me. Disheartened is more like it, I suppose. I'm not depressed...just stressed. I hate drama...& change...& not being stable. :/ Ugh...

And It Gets Worse...

So the whole Ben/Kat thing took an unexpected turn. Spent a lot of Monday talking with Ben. Something that has never happened before...him talking to me, I mean. It gives me pause & makes me willing to hang out for a little bit longer to see what he does with it now. The whole thing though...my reaction to it...was just PROOF of what I've said since the beginning. I *NEVER* want to come between them...& if he's not happy, I will just disappear. It won't work otherwise & I'm well aware of that. Trying to make it work without him will only kill me...

My reaction to them...caused a commotion with Jenn. That quickly became NOT about them at all...but about she & I. She went bizerk & tore loose on me. After 2 days of fighting, I'm just...not caring...anymore. I got burned & I'm standing back, aloof & untouchable. NOT a good place to be in when she's supposed to be here in 2 weeks! o.0 Late last night, just before I was going to go to bed, she started trying to mend things. I can't reach back out to her yet...nor can I allow her to touch me. The last couple of months have been almost constant drama...for one reason or another...& THIS...well...the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm just tired of it. All of it.

During the midst of it, she made a few comments regarding me & Kat...& the whole D/s thing. She just has NO idea. I will *always* be connected to her. She doesn't control me like she used to...but she always has the OPTION of exercising it. Jenn would not like it if Kat were truly in control of me again. She just hasn't got a clue. At all. Kat already wants to regain that power but she's holding back, letting me figure this all out on my own. And I'll be completely HONEST here...there have been a few moments here in the last couple of days that I've been on the verge of asking Kat to take over...cuz I don't know how to handle Jenn in the least right now...& it's totally stressing me out. However...I know the outcome of that would not be good...for Jenn, for me or for Kat. I also know that I need to figure out how to navigate this issue by myself.

I'm in a very dangerous state of mind right now. Jenn needs to figure out how to grow up a little & truly realize that I'm not everyone else...I'm not out to purposefully hurt her. She also needs to realize she can't control me. We are EQUAL in this relationship. She can have all the control she wants--in certain aspects...but not when it comes to the things that damage me. Me...I need to decide if it's worth it for me to attempt to trust her again.

Right here...right now...in THIS moment...I don't know if I can recover enough to allow her to come visit...& that's daunting...either side of that decision. And I honestly don't have a clue what I'm gonna decide...

*SIGHS*

I knew it was coming. Things were going too well for it to NOT happen!! :-(

Kat texted me last night. She'd dropped a convo Saturday afternoon & nothing all day on Sunday. Til last night. When she said...she'd been quiet cuz she'd been thinking about something disturbing that Ben had said. Automatically, my hair stood on end. She said he'd made a comment that he was afraid that I'd become her confidante & be on her side. That he wanted me to not be just close to her but to both of them. Well...HELL!!! I AM her confidante...I ALWAYS have been!! :/ No, I'm not on her side. Not with certain things. Ironically...I'd just said to her on Saturday that it was really hard being on both of their sides at the same time but that's exactly what I've been doing for the last few months! *sighs* I'm there for him, too, when he lets me be. It's not like he talks to me a whole lot. Especially lately. And...REALLY...come on. I will always have a stronger bond with her than him. PERIOD!!! There's just NO way around that. EVER. She & I have a connection that has yet to be broken & I won't ever have that same connection with him. It's just not possible. We don't share the same history.

So...my response to her...that I simply cannot go down this road again. And I will simply back off now. It has always happened the same way. Any time he starts resenting the bond she & I have, it causes problems. And I just can't go through that particular brand of Hell again. I just...CAN'T!! I didn't respond to her last 2 texts where she was telling me not to flip out cuz he's not angry, etc. I know he's not angry. He's just uncomfortable with how close we are & that's the issue. I couldn't respond cuz...I couldn't stop crying. I cried most of the night. I've spent the last 2 years fighting to get her back into my life. I've spent the last year growing close to her again. Only to lose her because of the same damned thing that always drove a wedge between us!! :-(

Well, if nothing else, Jenn can finally breathe a sigh of relief now...*sighs*

Bleh...

Blogging has...become a...CHORE!! :/

So MUCH is happening...on an almost daily basis...& it seems I have even less time than I did previously! :/ *sighs*

In a nutshell:

1. Jenn will be here in about 2 weeks. *grins nervously*

2. Kat...& Ben...well...complicated...as usual. lol

3. Work! ACK!! Working on improving our internet presence so a lot of nights I'm doing "homework". Plus...DRAMA...as usual. *sighs*

That is my life. For what it is...