And It Gets Worse...

So the whole Ben/Kat thing took an unexpected turn. Spent a lot of Monday talking with Ben. Something that has never happened before...him talking to me, I mean. It gives me pause & makes me willing to hang out for a little bit longer to see what he does with it now. The whole thing though...my reaction to it...was just PROOF of what I've said since the beginning. I *NEVER* want to come between them...& if he's not happy, I will just disappear. It won't work otherwise & I'm well aware of that. Trying to make it work without him will only kill me...

My reaction to them...caused a commotion with Jenn. That quickly became NOT about them at all...but about she & I. She went bizerk & tore loose on me. After 2 days of fighting, I'm just...not caring...anymore. I got burned & I'm standing back, aloof & untouchable. NOT a good place to be in when she's supposed to be here in 2 weeks! o.0 Late last night, just before I was going to go to bed, she started trying to mend things. I can't reach back out to her yet...nor can I allow her to touch me. The last couple of months have been almost constant drama...for one reason or another...& THIS...well...the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm just tired of it. All of it.

During the midst of it, she made a few comments regarding me & Kat...& the whole D/s thing. She just has NO idea. I will *always* be connected to her. She doesn't control me like she used to...but she always has the OPTION of exercising it. Jenn would not like it if Kat were truly in control of me again. She just hasn't got a clue. At all. Kat already wants to regain that power but she's holding back, letting me figure this all out on my own. And I'll be completely HONEST here...there have been a few moments here in the last couple of days that I've been on the verge of asking Kat to take over...cuz I don't know how to handle Jenn in the least right now...& it's totally stressing me out. However...I know the outcome of that would not be good...for Jenn, for me or for Kat. I also know that I need to figure out how to navigate this issue by myself.

I'm in a very dangerous state of mind right now. Jenn needs to figure out how to grow up a little & truly realize that I'm not everyone else...I'm not out to purposefully hurt her. She also needs to realize she can't control me. We are EQUAL in this relationship. She can have all the control she wants--in certain aspects...but not when it comes to the things that damage me. Me...I need to decide if it's worth it for me to attempt to trust her again.

Right here...right now...in THIS moment...I don't know if I can recover enough to allow her to come visit...& that's daunting...either side of that decision. And I honestly don't have a clue what I'm gonna decide...