Self-Worth Much?

Yesterday was a little chaotic. LOL. As everyone started coming in (Cindy, Kelli, Claire & Amanda), they were bringing in boxes & bags of all the books they collected at SIBA. Me, Stacy, & Amanda worked ALL day on processing them. We're making a display on the front counter shelves of all the new stuff. I'm gonna post something on FB about it today.

I went over to Amanda's at 7 for dinner & to pow wow about what we need to do with the website, FB & Twitter...as well as how to handle Cindy with kid gloves so we can do what we need to do to keep the store alive. Amanda let me in on something though. She didn't want me to get pissed but she felt she needed to tell me. And I didn't get pissed. But...anyway. So Friday, when all of the dramatic texts were flying back & forth between Stacy & Cindy about us getting to go to SIBA on Saturday...Amanda says Cindy was getting uber pissed off. She made the comment that if the next text that came back to her WASN'T that we were gonna work the store the next day & just be cool...she was gonna leave the show, go to the store & ONE of us was gonna go home...for GOOD. That someone...was gonna be ME! WTF?! lol I wasn't involved in the texts at all!! I was telling Stacy after the 3rd text, that I was fine at the store & to just drop it. It was Stacy who was so freaking adamant about getting to go to SIBA. *sighs* Fuck my life!! But the texts that Stacy was sending to Cindy was dragging me into the situation as if I was balking at not being able to go, too. I wasn't. And...apparently Cindy feels like Stacy is more of an asset to the store than I am. I have no idea why!! But that's her prerogative, I suppose. *sighs* I think Amanda & Kelli know better though. Not that what they know means shit to Cindy. :/

I'm an extremely unassuming person & I almost NEVER sing my own praises. That's the reason I suck so bad at job interviews!!! I certainly know what I'm capable of. I know what I do on a daily basis. I figure...anyone who pays attention will see it, too. For the most part, that works in my favor!! Amanda said last night...I have the ability to NOT look like I'm busy but I get a shitload of work done. Stacy has the ability to look SUPER busy & get absolutely nothing done. *sighs* I don't know how to adjust that. It's just how I am. :/ I generally (since I got fucked over so bad at City Mattress) do NOT show anyone my potential so that I *DON'T* get taken advantage of. Even at my own detriment, I guess. *sighs* I dunno. I don't know how to NOT be me. I'm not going to get all up in Cindy's face & PROVE to her what I can do. It's pointless to do that with her...cuz she doesn't *GET* anything about anything any one of us does to begin with!! Shit...*sighs* Whatever. I dunno. It is what it is, I guess...

Rest of Weekend...

Saturday, Stacy & I ran the store. Alone. Again. It wasn't bad. Except that it seemed like the day would NEVER end! Bleh. It wasn't dead but we weren't extremely busy either. But we did a decent day, money-wise.

Sunday...I did NOTHING. Recuperated from the week. That's it. Traded texts with Amanda a lot of the morning...much of it, her apologizing for seemingly trying to overstep me...& the rest of it, discussing the changes that need to happen at the shop. Then she invited me over for dinner tomorrow night so we can do a pow wow.

I had a couple of *moments* with Kat on Saturday. lol The kind of stuff that makes me think. *chuckles* I'm glad she is still a part of my world. I'm content with the way things are between us now. I'm not sure I have *EVER* been content with her before...that's kinda odd to think about! LMAO

Both Saturday & Sunday were...uhh...strained with Jenn. Her age...ok, well not her actual AGE...but her youth...has really been proving itself this weekend!! :/ I swear to the Gods...I just absolutely don't get her mindset or way of thinking about things sometimes! I mean...I *remember*...when I was her age & how I thought about things & it's extremely similar. But...shit! I'm too old for this!! LOL *sighs* Today especially...has been her doing one stupid thing after another. I *get* the predicament she was in...but she absolutely refused to listen to me. At all. And, of course, I felt helpless. I could only help via advice in text...but she wouldn't listen. She's gonna drive me insane before I even MEET her...FFS...

SIBA Starts...

So, yesterday was the 1st *official* day of the SIBA Trade Show. There were classes & various interactions happening all day long. Cindy, Kelli & Amanda were attending. Stacy & I ran the shop. The day was pretty quiet. It had it's moments but overall, it went smoothly. Lori was in & she drove me & Stacy insane, trying to "help". She can't help cuz she hasn't got a clue but she kept butting her nose in store business like she knew what she was talking about! Ugh. Claire came in for a little while & put the few flats away that we had stacked up. We got 2 orders in. Stacy processed them on the counter. The day was going relatively well--was just going to be LONG since we were opening AND closing. But THEN...the drama started!! Fuck me!!

There has been some question all week long about who was going to do what today (Saturday). The ORIGINAL plan was for Cindy & Kelli to be at SIBA. Amanda, me & Stacy would run the shop. Amanda was to open cuz she had to leave early to take care of the boys while Dan worked in the evening/night. Stacy & I would close. However, early in the week, Kelli kept saying she really didn't want to be at SIBA so she would come work the store & Stacy & I could go & actually experience SIBA (since what we got--the seminar on Thursday--really is NOT a part of the SIBA festivities). Problem with that scenario though was that Amanda needed to leave early & that'd leave Kelli alone on a Saturday to close. So on Thursday while Stacy was talking to Cindy on our way home, Cindy said she really didn't need to be at SIBA Saturday since she went last year with Judy...so she could come home & be in the shop with Amanda & Kelli. That way, Amanda could still leave & Kelli wouldn't be alone. Soooo...anyway...the texting started...the drama associated with what was happening today. It got ridiculous pretty quick. Stacy & I were both fine with WHATEVER. Yes...we'd LIKE the opportunity to actually experience SIBA but running the shop was fine, too! But somehow...somewhere along the line...it became an ISSUE. So it was offered to Stacy for her to go to SIBA...but she didn't want to go without me. So we finally told them, nevermind...we'll stick to the original plan...me & Stacy would be at the shop at 10 & close...no big deal. Well...WRONG! Cindy flipped out that we wouldn't be at the store for opening & we're both like WTF?!?! Is Amanda not going to be there??? Yep. It had been decided when Stacy said no to going by herself that Amanda & Kelli would both stay for Saturday. Uhh...so what does that mean? Stacy & I are stuck running the store alone yet AGAIN...on a Saturday! We were pissed. But we were pissed at the drama not the circumstance & pissed that Amanda was all of a sudden now going to stay at SIBA. *sighs*

The drama continued a little bit after I got home. Amanda made a snide comment on Stacy's FB status...that neither of us responded to. And NOW...since she's gotten some info...she's all gung ho about Twitter & she wants to share all of this info with me!! Fuck her. We got all of this info on Thursday. We have pages & pages of notes on this stuff. We both already know what changes need to be made & what to talk to Cindy about. We GOT this!! Without ANY of Amanda's input. Amanda won't be the one that is tethered to the internet marketing. She rarely gets on her OWN FB...nevermind expecting her to put the time & energy required into promoting the store!! She can keep her 2 cents worth of opinion...

I feel like Stacy & I got shafted. I am in no way open to Amanda now trying to put her mark on the *PART* of SIBA that we did get to go to. She got the FULL adventure. Don't take what we got, too...

Since Kelli & Amanda are both definitely gonna be gone from SIBA on Sunday & that's when all the grunt work happens (getting the boxes & boxes of books to bring home)...Claire had offered to go help Cindy. I had offered, too. But NOW...fuck her. I'm not giving up my Sunday. Nope. No way. No how.

SIBA Internet Marketing Seminar

Got up at 4:30 am. lol Had to be ready to go pick Stacy up at 7:45 to head to the seminar we were doing today at the SIBA Trade Show. We found the hotel just fine. As soon as we turned onto A1A, it was right there! hahahaha We got there & we were the only ones without name tags! :/ Only Cindy, Amanda & Kelli are in their records. We had to sit at different tables cuz there was assigned seating...lol. Anyway, so they had breakfast sat out so we ate til about 9:30 & then the day started. 1st guy was an independent internet marketing strategist. 90% of what he talked about, I already knew. It was the same stuff my mom had taught me. We had a short break & then he finished up before we had lunch at noon. Started back up at 1 with the Assistant Director of SIBA speaking for a bit & then the Internet Analyst of SIBA got up & spoke. She gave some more info on blogging, Facebook & Twitter. I *REALLY* don't wanna Twitter but...hearing more about it now...it makes sense! :/ All of this stuff though...you NEED the smart phones with internet access for...unless you just totally have the time to actually be online...which most people don't...so they do it on the fly! But anyway...even though our butts were numb from sitting, overall...I can totally see what changes we need to make! And it won't be all that difficult to do...just time consuming. Meh. We left at 4. 4-5 pm was a segment that we really had no interest in.

When I got home, Amanda texted & said Cindy made October's schedule last night. We've all been cut to 4 days/week!! Cindy said it was either that or let someone go. If she fires Lori, she'll go to jail for her DUI. *sighs* Stacy is interviewing at BOA so...I dunno...*sighs*. I'm struggling pretty bad since messing with this insurance BS as it is!! I can't afford at all going down to 4 days/week! :/ Fuck...

So tomorrow...Cindy, Amanda & Kelli will be at the actual SIBA activities. Today was just an addition....not officially part of the trade show itself. Me & Stacy will be running the store from open to close by ourselves. There has been some talk of me & Stacy getting to actually go see the exhibits & stuff at SIBA on Saturday but we don't really know yet. It's up to whatever Kelli decides she wants to do, I guess. Or Cindy might not even go...just let me & Stacy go. Dunno. Gotta wait & see. lol

Whirlwind!!

UGH!! What a week it has been!! And next week will be even worse! *sighs*

Work has been...tense. Cindy has had major attitude all week. And it's, of course, affected all of us. She royally pissed me off on Monday. There was no SENSE in it & I wasn't the only one at a loss about it. Nobody else *got* why she did what she did either. But anyway. Claire was due in & her JOB is to put flats away. There were...I dunno...10 or 12 stacked up. That's a good day's worth...or, at least, would keep Claire busy for the time she's there. WE (Kelli, me, Amanda & Stacy) all know what needs to be done & how to do our jobs BUT...lately...we've gotten into the habit of asking Cindy what she wants us to do. Otherwise, she tends to criticize & question what we do. *sighs* So...I asked what she wanted me to do (KNOWING I need to continue with Room 4!). Ok, so...Amanda hasn't been in the garage for weeks & it was absolutely ridiculous!!! But...she had plans to work in there that day! So Cindy looks at me & tells me I should help Claire put flats away...that I don't need to pull any more excess from Room 4 til Amanda gets the garage cleared. REALLY?! The 500 boxes of excess that need to go *somewhere* (donated to whichever cause) that are in front of the door is what is in Amanda's way...NOT what I am currently pulling! So...right away...I was perturbed. There's NO need for Claire to even be there if I'm putting flats away! Cuz what'll happen is...in 2 hours, there'll be nothing for either one of us to do! Then Stacy suggested I stay on counter & process while she finishes the front case (like she's been trying to do for a week) so I was like sure, no problem. Cindy turns to me & extremely caustic, asks, "Is there a problem with putting flats away?!" I said no, grabbed a flat & walked off. Fuck this!! So what happened then? Claire went home at noon...2 hours after she got there...cuz...there was nothing left for her to do! *snorts* Whateva!

Tuesday & Wednesday...Cindy was just as bad...apparently. I had been able to escape into 4 so I missed the most of it...but everyone told me about it. *sighs* I didn't go to Book Club Wednesday night. ALL I wanted to do was just lay down! :/ Cindy was off on Thursday. It was just me, Kelli & Amanda. I opened at 8:30...Amanda & Kelli came in at 10. At 3ish pm, Amanda decided she was too sick to stick out the rest of the day so she went home. I stayed til 5:15, til Kelli broke down the 2nd drawer. You can't do that & wait on customers, too. Made for a REALLY long day! :/

Friday. OMG. The chaos started early in the morning!! Thursday before I left, I *thought* we'd decided Kelli & Amanda would come in at 10 & I would open. So I texted Stacy & told her she could come in at 9 or 10...her choice. She opted for 9. Right after, she got a call from her dad & made dinner plans with them since she was getting off early. Then Kelli texted & said she never heard from Stacy about when she was coming in. Stacy never got a text from her about it so of course she didn't respond! lol Within minutes, Kelli was knocking on my door! She & John were closing on a house that night & she needed off early so she was going in to open. I was like...ughhhh...whatever! If Amanda doesn't last the entire day, *I* will stay & close with Cindy--no big deal! FFS! When I got there at 8:45, Kelli said she'd told Amanda to come in at noon so that she could close. *sighs* So everything was set...but the tension was STILL present! Whateva! OMG! Then later, I was in 4, minding my own business, doing my job. I've made it to the back wall now & was on the bookcase closest to the corner, where the outside door is that we NEVER use. All of a sudden, the door starts opening & Kelli walks in, scaring the shit outta me! LOL She didn't want Cindy knowing she was coming back there to me...but...Cindy had asked her if I was having money problems & commented to her that she was going to talk to Judy about lowering my rent! WTF?! OMG!!!! That is *SO* none of her business!!! And...OMG...rent is NOT the problem I'm having! *SIGHS* 1st of all, I haven't been getting the hours that I normally get! My paycheck has been about $100 less than normal! I've also been having these fucken insurance premiums being deducted! With the decrease in pay...the insurance is making me SHORT for the month! ARGHHHHHH!!! I've been trying to get the insurance cancelled but the premiums are continuing to come out anyway! Which is pissing me off! I called BCBS on Friday & they can't find me as a member in their system! So I contacted Marty (agent) for him to find out what the problem is. He's been utterly useless.

Sooo...anyway...after a week of hell...I have an *actual* FULL weekend off! :-) Saturday AND Sunday!! ;-) I plan on doing *nothing*! *smirks* But...next week...is gonna be pure chaos!! Ugh. We have SIBA, Thursday-Sunday. Stacy & I are going Thursday. Cindy, too. But the rest of it, Cindy, Amanda & Kelli will be going. Which means...Friday, I believe it is...Stacy & I will be running the store entirely alone. UGH! I'm not looking forward to this week at all!

Andy has been pulling childish, moronic stunts with Sara & Ben. *sighs* He's now royally pissing me off cuz...I guess...I dunno...I'm getting "protective" of them. :/ He's creating stress for them & I don't like it. But there's nothing that I can do. I want to tell him off so bad, threaten him...*something*...but I fucken CAN'T. She won't let me. But...in a way...I'm glad he's pulling this shit. Way back when, she was so SURE that I was evil & vindictive & would do stuff to her...which I NEVER would've even contemplated! It is almost vindicating that this little piece of shit is proving to her that I was never what she thought I could be...& also proving to her that she made the *right* choice in letting him go. She tries to defend him by saying he's in pain & is just lashing out. Yeah...I was in pain & lashed out at her, too. DIFFERENCE being that I lashed out at HER! Not Ben. Not anyone else. I didn't even think about affecting her real life in any way. There's a massive difference! I wouldn't be surprised if this punk tries outing her in her job, etc. I hope not...but it wouldn't surprise me at all right now. :/ I don't really know WHY...but the more things that I learn she did with him or for him or whatever...the more...uhh...dejected...??...I feel. :/ She completely went ALL out with him...in every way possible. And I...can't help but feel...completely rejected & just...fuck...whateva...it makes me even MORE apt to not fall for her lines again. I am very well aware of what she gave to me...& it was NOTHING...ever...compare that to this fucken moron &...well...*sighs heavily*...just reinforces what I've felt for so long...that I never meant *anything* at all to her. She proved it in her actions. Over & over. And now, all of a sudden, she claims she still loves me & wants to get us back on track somehow. Ben is completely on board this time. Right. Forgive me for being completely disbelieving. :/ To make matters worse, Ben teases & flirts sometimes & I'm at a complete loss at how to handle it! 2 years ago, I wasn't allowed to be like that with her. I'm STILL not like that with her NOW...but I'm supposed to somehow react to him??? No. I don't know how. I don't think I could even *imagine* going to another level with them until Andy is complete history. At ALL! It's a trust issue. It's...a creating a solid base FIRST before anything else happens...issue. *sighs* I dunno. They will tire of me not truly responding to them soon. I'm aware of that. But I can't do anything til I'm truly *ready* for it. It's always been about "bad timing" for us. That's not gonna change...

Anyway...the HIGHLIGHT of my week has been Jenn!! We've reached that plateau of going as far as we can online, etc...& we're in a holding pattern til RL happens. It's NOT an easy place to be!! The tension creates issues all its own! :/ She bought her plane tickets on Friday so the visit is now *OFFICIAL*!! We just have to survive til she gets here! :-) I WANT her to be here. I WANT this to go forward...not just stagnate. I WANT everything she keeps promising. It excites me. It thrills me. It scares me! But I NEED her. I need her to be true. I need this to not just be words, or promises or suggestions or...whatever the word is that I'm looking for. I guess...I just need to know that someone truly cares about me. :/ That's sad but...*shrugs*...I've been so conditioned otherwise. And I'm STILL getting proof that I'm always replaceable...that I need the affirmation. Even if just for a little while...*sighs heavily*

Beach House!!

So I was asleep shortly after 1 am...lol...that's BEYOND rare for a Saturday night!! But I knew I had to get up early this morning. Plus, I was exhausted. Been a helluva week with work &...emotional stress. :/

I turned the alarm off at 8 am...& went back to sleep! ACK!! Woke up at 9:07 & jumped up & got ready & met Cindy at the store at 9:30! LOL We left my car there & I rode with her. We went directly to the beach house. It's not hard to get to at all! :-) It wasn't anything like I was imagining! I had the *typical* beach house in mind. It's not. It's a regular house a few blocks from the ocean. It's at the end of a cul-de-sac by the canal. I would SO live there in a heartbeat! LOL It's gonna be soooo freaking *perfect*! ;-) Then we drove a little ways in both directions along the beach. Then on to Good Will to shop for books...HAHAHA!! ;-p Then she drove me to The Loop & Bulow Creek State Park. At the park, is one of the oldest living southern oak trees in the country! It's over 400 years old & so incredibly AMAZING!! At best guesstimate, it's about 60' around the base of it!! Then we were on the way home & Todd called her. He's on patrol & noticed an empty car parked at the store plus a mustang there with people in it. She told him the empty car was mine & that we were almost back there. LOL!! Her son being a deputy sheriff means the store is under constant surveillance! ;-) So when we drove up, he had the squad car diagonally parked in front of the door & the mustang was leaving the parking lot...LMAO!

OMG...I can't wait til October & Jenn & I get to vacation in a little spot of awesomeness! :D There's no internet there either! *smirks*

Got all my chores done this weekend, too. Amazingly enough! ;-p Almost 5 pm...& I haven't got anything else left to do tonight...unless I decide to have dinner! *laughs* Closing tomorrow so I'm going in late.

Poly Chaos!!

Jenn & I had a long, terrible, miserable discussion last night about poly. Specifically, about me being involved with Ben & Sara. *sighs* I still haven't fully processed it cuz I went to sleep almost as soon as it was over. But...my initial thoughts...

I am attached to Ben & Sara. I always have been! I fell in love with her over 3 years ago & I still love her...even though it's not the same as it was back then. So much has happened since that it's been damaged, changed, evolved into something else. But it's still there. I've had a couple very short intervals of time that I allowed myself to get attached to Ben as well. And I'm in the process of a 3rd go around with him. I care about him. It's not the same as Sara. But there's no way that it could ever be the SAME anyway. It's not possible to love any 2 people in the same manner. I love their girls. I love their dog! lol I even got attached to her dad, FFS. I am attached, irrevocably, to their entire family unit. Add in the D/s element & things increase. I can't describe that aspect. Just like I couldn't describe the sky to a blind person. It just IS what it is. That being said...I am IN a relationship with them currently. Friendship. It's way beyond *just* friendship, but that's what it is right now. If it ever starts to become anything like it was back in the day...I will put my walls back up. I can't do it THAT way again. It wasn't healthy for me. I am not *PLANNING* on becoming intimate with them any time soon. Just like I'm not planning on still being alive tomorrow! This is gonna evolve & become whatever it's meant to be. On it's own terms. I have a set guideline that I hafta adhere to or otherwise, I will feel taken advantage of & will feel like I'm just their toy. I don't know if that guideline can be met or not. That will come in time. Plus, I'm 3000 miles away from them! It's not like it's an easy thing that's gonna just randomly happen.

Jenn. Yes, I love her. She is a HUGE part of my world! It's not the same stupid, giddy, ridiculously in love like it originally was with Sara. Sara was my 1st love. Nothing can ever touch that again! It's not the same as what I feel for her now. It's not the same as what I feel with Ben. It is it's OWN entity. She makes me happy. She makes me feel needed, wanted, adored. She makes me feel important. She doesn't hide me. She makes me feel like this love thing isn't all just a crock of shit! She makes me dream of a future. She makes me laugh. She gets under my skin. She makes me feel not so ashamed of myself. She makes me feel like I deserve to be loved & be able to love in return. I think that's the biggest & best part of it all. We still hafta meet in October...& no matter what I feel now...I will have a better idea of what this can be like after then. I'm in no way confident but I have a very good feeling that we will be good together & for each other. But it's a waiting game at this point. We just hafta wait for it & see what happens.

I knew Jenn had contemplated a poly relationship in her past so I thought she understood the concept. It's not like I've actually *lived* the lifestyle...but I'm open to giving it a shot. That is something that is entirely based on trying it to see if you can emotionally handle it. There's no other way to do that. But, I'm still confused...she was willing to give it a shot...but she absolutely refuses to let me do it. It's a control thing, I think. She wants me to herself. She wants me to need only her. She's accepted that I love Sara & she can deal with that. She can't deal with me having sex with them. Sex is not a high priority for me. It never has been. So the whole concept is lost on me. I'm in it for the entire relationship. It's not about cheating on her to have sex with them. It's not about them taking me from her. She's 100% convinced that if I have sex with them, Sara will steal me from her. :/ Sara has her own life. She knows I need to have mine, too. Nobody is stealing anybody away from anybody else. Jenn made the comment last night that me being with her makes it easier for me to be with Ben & Sara. And while that sounds horrible...it's kinda true. I can't conceivably be the 3rd for Ben & Sara & that be all for me. I don't get what I need from that. I get left out & I get pushed aside. I become their toy. However, having Jenn, completes my world. That sounds selfish of me now that I say it. :/ But, I dunno...Sara couldn't ever be content to just have me. She needs Ben. Jenn needs me & she says that's enough for her. I wonder sometimes though. And it worries me. Both sides of it. I will have a huge gaping hole in my world if I lose Sara OR Jenn!! Me needing Sara, too, hurts Jenn. And what if, at some point, Jenn realizes she needs more than just me? Ahhh...*sighs*...it's ALL pure conjecture at this point!! None of us can say what this is going to turn into. I guess...I just needed to have the freedom to choose NOT be taken from me...however, if I'm given an ultimatum & I hafta choose between Sara & Jenn...OMG...

Community Property...

LOL!! Well...after work today, I went to Wal-Mart & picked up the coffee pot Jenn bought & had shipped there! ;-p She says we're married now! *chuckles* It's for when she visits...she drinks coffee daily...lol...but she's not taking it home with her! ;-p It'll be here for when she visits again. lol

*DIES*

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, so...Jenn & I have *been* planning a night's stay at a hotel on the beach while she's here. I only know of one...the one mom took my grandmother & aunts to a couple of summers ago. I loved it but it's over $100/night. So...cuz everyone I work with is from here & travels & knows EVERYTHING...hahaha...I waited til Stacy, Cindy & Kelli were all close by this morning & asked if they knew of any nice hotels on the beach for less than $100. Stacy & Kelli started giving me ideas. Then Cindy asks what am I looking for one for. Stacy starts laughing & showing out & says it's for when my girlfriend comes down in October! ;-p Cindy immediately yells out "MY BEACH HOUSE!!!" *dies laughing* They just bought this beach house on the other side of Daytona a few weeks ago. They're still in the process of cleaning it up & decorating, etc. She was telling me a little bit about it & it sounds freaking *perfect*! :D 2 blocks from the ocean but down there...it's the epitome of beach front living so the 2 blocks is more like...you're basically on the beach anyway. haha It's apparently got a fenced in back yard on the canal with gardens in front & back. Completely furnished--just need food, she says...lol. There's a hammock in the back yard. I can bring Bastian with us so I don't hafta worry about getting someone to come in & check on him. And, apparently, the guy they bought it from, had pet squirrels & he just let them go when he moved...GRRR...but she says I have to give them peanuts every morning...hehehe...that will be AWESOME!! ;-) She & Mike are going over there on Sunday to do some painting, etc so she wants me to go with her so I can learn how to get out there & to actually see the place. :D I can't wait!! She said I could stay a day or 2 or the whole time Jenn is here, if I want...but she's certain, we won't want to come back to my place once we've been out there...ahahahahahaha!!!! :D And...they're all telling me to take Jenn to St Augustine, since it's soooo close to the beach house! ;-p Jenn discovered they have a ghost tour there so I guess we're for sure sure gonna try that! :D OMG...I can't wait...*dies*

Labor Day Weekend...

hahaha I'm really starting to slip with this blogging thing! ;-p I'm not even gonna TRY to play catch up but I'll hit on a couple of things that are on my mind...heh! ;-p

So...I'm scheduled to go to SIBA on the 23rd. With Stacy (maybe?) She doesn't even wanna go at all so I'm not sure why Cindy has her going--I wouldn't waste the money on her going if I were Cindy! o.0 But whatever. Cindy will go every day, of course. Anyway, the 23rd is when they're doing the seminars on Twitter & online marketing. haha

Speaking of work...one day last week, Lara Adrian became a fan of our FB page! :D It has been totally COOL talking to a *celebrity*!! hehehehe I've never read any of her stuff but Amanda says she's pretty awesome! ;-) I don't read anymore...period! lol I never have time for it! ;-p

More regarding work...I hafta cancel the insurance. *sighs* I simply can't afford the premiums. I could always move back to living with my mom & I'd be able to afford a LOT more than I can now...but, yeah...NO, THANKS!!! I enjoy being my own person way too much...I just hafta make better choices...in what I have or can have. :/

Kat put me through a slight panic. It's all ok now though. Well, I guess it is...haven't talked to her in a couple of days! Things can change hourly with her! LOL *shrugs* I'm steadily drifting away from them but I'm still attached. I dunno...I feel "safe" in drifting. It's what I NEED atm & she has enough going on in her world right now anyway. They need to reconcile with each other more than anything else! I don't want to be in the middle of it...or hafta take sides...or be a crutch for either one of them. I need to experience this relationship with Jenn more than I need to be toyed with...whatever the true feelings are...I end up feeling toyed with. There's no certainty or stability. I dunno how to explain it without it coming off "negative"...

Tanya & Sean moved back to Jonesboro. They're in their new house now but no internet as of yet. Can't wait til she has normal access again! ;-) You know, I will ALWAYS hate Sean...but I'm glad she's back where she has friends & family. She craves that so much! My only hope is that Sean has figured out how to grow up & be a husband/father. I don't give a fuck what happens to him in his life...but I *AM* concerned about Tanya & Cooper!

Jenn had a pretty busy weekend...haha. And she's so bad...LOL!! She spent most of her time with family on the phone with me! ;-p I talked to one of her uncles...LMAO! OMG...that was nuts! ;-p There's been quite a bit of *revelations*...on her end. Stuff she didn't want me to know about. Other people continue to give her grief over it so she expected me to do the same! :/ If it changed *anything* about the way I feel...it only made me realize she deserves to be happy even more than I'd already figured out!!

I'm back to smoking regularly & totally off the diet. Meh...*shrugs* Still trying to figure out what to do about those 2 things but whatever...

Some days...Jenn's visit in October can't get here soon enough. But some days...I'm afraid for it to get here! SOOOO many insecurities about that & what all is involved...& what happens afterwards. I remember vividly...how I was the day before, the day of...walking off the plane & seeing Kat. I remember my dreams & expectations. Hopes. Desires. The *LIFE* that I'd created in my mind. I also remember the moments all of that died. I remember the year & a half of being numb cuz of those deaths. It's not something I wish to go through again...ANY of it. I don't want the happiness & dreams if it's just gonna die...

Anyway...*sighs*. Everything happens for a reason. Whatever is supposed to happen...is gonna happen. I just wish I knew I had a choice or a defense against it...