I am attached to Ben & Sara. I always have been! I fell in love with her over 3 years ago & I still love her...even though it's not the same as it was back then. So much has happened since that it's been damaged, changed, evolved into something else. But it's still there. I've had a couple very short intervals of time that I allowed myself to get attached to Ben as well. And I'm in the process of a 3rd go around with him. I care about him. It's not the same as Sara. But there's no way that it could ever be the SAME anyway. It's not possible to love any 2 people in the same manner. I love their girls. I love their dog! lol I even got attached to her dad, FFS. I am attached, irrevocably, to their entire family unit. Add in the D/s element & things increase. I can't describe that aspect. Just like I couldn't describe the sky to a blind person. It just IS what it is. That being said...I am IN a relationship with them currently. Friendship. It's way beyond *just* friendship, but that's what it is right now. If it ever starts to become anything like it was back in the day...I will put my walls back up. I can't do it THAT way again. It wasn't healthy for me. I am not *PLANNING* on becoming intimate with them any time soon. Just like I'm not planning on still being alive tomorrow! This is gonna evolve & become whatever it's meant to be. On it's own terms. I have a set guideline that I hafta adhere to or otherwise, I will feel taken advantage of & will feel like I'm just their toy. I don't know if that guideline can be met or not. That will come in time. Plus, I'm 3000 miles away from them! It's not like it's an easy thing that's gonna just randomly happen.
Jenn. Yes, I love her. She is a HUGE part of my world! It's not the same stupid, giddy, ridiculously in love like it originally was with Sara. Sara was my 1st love. Nothing can ever touch that again! It's not the same as what I feel for her now. It's not the same as what I feel with Ben. It is it's OWN entity. She makes me happy. She makes me feel needed, wanted, adored. She makes me feel important. She doesn't hide me. She makes me feel like this love thing isn't all just a crock of shit! She makes me dream of a future. She makes me laugh. She gets under my skin. She makes me feel not so ashamed of myself. She makes me feel like I deserve to be loved & be able to love in return. I think that's the biggest & best part of it all. We still hafta meet in October...& no matter what I feel now...I will have a better idea of what this can be like after then. I'm in no way confident but I have a very good feeling that we will be good together & for each other. But it's a waiting game at this point. We just hafta wait for it & see what happens.
I knew Jenn had contemplated a poly relationship in her past so I thought she understood the concept. It's not like I've actually *lived* the lifestyle...but I'm open to giving it a shot. That is something that is entirely based on trying it to see if you can emotionally handle it. There's no other way to do that. But, I'm still confused...she was willing to give it a shot...but she absolutely refuses to let me do it. It's a control thing, I think. She wants me to herself. She wants me to need only her. She's accepted that I love Sara & she can deal with that. She can't deal with me having sex with them. Sex is not a high priority for me. It never has been. So the whole concept is lost on me. I'm in it for the entire relationship. It's not about cheating on her to have sex with them. It's not about them taking me from her. She's 100% convinced that if I have sex with them, Sara will steal me from her. :/ Sara has her own life. She knows I need to have mine, too. Nobody is stealing anybody away from anybody else. Jenn made the comment last night that me being with her makes it easier for me to be with Ben & Sara. And while that sounds horrible...it's kinda true. I can't conceivably be the 3rd for Ben & Sara & that be all for me. I don't get what I need from that. I get left out & I get pushed aside. I become their toy. However, having Jenn, completes my world. That sounds selfish of me now that I say it. :/ But, I dunno...Sara couldn't ever be content to just have me. She needs Ben. Jenn needs me & she says that's enough for her. I wonder sometimes though. And it worries me. Both sides of it. I will have a huge gaping hole in my world if I lose Sara OR Jenn!! Me needing Sara, too, hurts Jenn. And what if, at some point, Jenn realizes she needs more than just me? Ahhh...*sighs*...it's ALL pure conjecture at this point!! None of us can say what this is going to turn into. I guess...I just needed to have the freedom to choose NOT be taken from me...however, if I'm given an ultimatum & I hafta choose between Sara & Jenn...OMG...
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