New Year...& Stuffs...

So...Sebastian is utterly *infested* with fleas!! UGH!! :-( No idea where they came from either for him to be so covered so quickly. :/ I gave him a bath Wed & his entire head was just SWARMING with them!! They were running into his ears, eyes, nose & mouth. I was just beside myself! The fact that he was bleeding, too, didn't help my panic level. No idea where he was bleeding from but the water was completely ruddy! *sighs* So Kelli brought over some Advantage last night. He, of course, being the socially inept kitteh that he is, spazzed out & hid til she was gone. I applied it a few minutes later. Then the rest of the night he was just SPAZZ-TASTIC!! OMG. *scratch* *scratch* *lick* *lick* *lick* *lick* *scratch* SPAZZ ATTACK!! Runnnnnn!!!!! SPAZZ ATTACK!!!! *scratch* *scratch* *lick* *lick* *lick* Til after midnight sometime. *sighs* I woke up this morning with him under the covers, curled around my feet...lol. He feels better today. Not as scratchy. No spazzing. And he's back to just licking me! ;-p Hopefully...it's working & he's getting some relief!! I *SO* suck at being a Mommie!! *cries*

The store is closed tomorrow but since I've been stuck up front for days, I have flats piled up of books that need to be put out. Not to mention, a lady brought a carload AND a truckload of boxed up books in today that need to be processed sooooo...Cindy asked if I'd come in tomorrow & put books away & process...for time & a half. I had nothing planned but laundry. It can wait! LOL Depending on how much I get done tomorrow, I may go in on Sun, too.

So, yeah, Happy New Year & all that BS! ;-p I don't eat out very often anymore. Can't afford it. But...since it's New Year's Eve & all...I treated myself to Pizza Hut. :-) Not like I got invited to go anywhere tonight anyway. Not that I would've gone!! That kiss at midnight thing is just plain awkward & embarrassing unless you're with someone...

Speaking of New Year's...2010 has GOT to be better than 2009! I mean, no friends, no lovers, no partners, no family, no friends with benefits, no nothing means...no drama, no pain, no heartache. Therefore, I can ONLY deduce that this year will be better than last...right?? Whatever. Cest la vie...

12-27...A Year Later...

Sometime yesterday while I was at work, the internet quit working! Judy wasn't home when I got home. I fixed dinner & watched the only Netflix dvd that I had. Judy got home at 9 & started trying to fix the internet. I was fit to be tied at this point! LOL In the past, I would've been that way with no internet cuz of my "friends" online. Not anymore. I have that shitload of movies in my Netflix Instant that expire on the 1st & I don't want to lose em before I can watch em! lol *shrugs* Anyway, around 10, she figured out the router had taken a shit! UGH!! :-( Sooo...I started reading. Went to sleep around 11 pm. Woke up at 3 am & read untl 7 am. Went back to sleep til 11:30 am. Still no internet. And, yes, I knew what today was. But, I think, in a way, I was trying NOT to dwell on it! Maybe why I was so nuts about not being able to just watch movies all day! :/ So then Judy brings me a stack of dvds to entertain me til her & John can get the new router working...lol. Took them all afternoon! Finally got internet back around 5 pm & guess what I've been doing since?! Watching movies!! LOL

Today...the date...has been constantly niggling at the back of my mind since...well, hell...for WEEKS now! A year ago today, my world was shattered in Seattle. I keep remembering bits & pieces of the day. Like: Anna being there & helping bring my stuff out. I couldn't look at her. She wasn't supposed to be there!! I remember shoving the Weird Washington book at Kat & dropping the manicure set on the ground. Rachael's matted photograph that I loved so much. Xmas presents. I remember getting to Sea-Tac only to discover Enterprise wasn't located there! Had to go back to Federal Way to drop off the car, get a cab back to Sea-Tac...only to have missed my flight & got on standby for the next one. I remember it was starting to snow...again. I remember feeling completely hollow & empty. I remember being completely nervous meeting Kathy at Phoenix. I remember that ride from Phoenix to Flagstaff & the snow reappearing. I remember not completely being able to deal with my emotions of those 1st few days...not til months later. And that is where I am now. Emotionally void of it all. A year later. I'm still angry & hurt about everything. Losing all of the hopes & dreams I had in an instant. Losing the family that I'd grown to love. Losing my Mistress & best friend. Being abandoned. Being broken. It's all still there...a year later. Still there, still aching, still burning, still breaking me. But maybe I'm finally just accepting that it is what it is & I almost ignore the pain of it now? The pain is just a part of my psyche at this point.

And so...I go back to watching movies so I can ignore the pain...

Good Riddance, Xmas!!

Thank Gawd that's OVER!! Ugh. Actually...the day wasn't horrible. Though...technically, for me, it was just *another* day. I did really well in not acknowledging that it was "Christmas". I think I actually only voiced the sentiment "Happy Holidays" to a handful of people. Mostly my response when the sentiment was thrown at me was "Thanks. You, too!" That is the equivalent of saying "Ditto"...right?? ;-) Anyway...I was at my mom's by 1 pm to eat lasagna & watch The Hangover. That was a hilarious movie!! :D I'd heard of it but because I no longer watch tv, I hadn't seen any trailers for it & so I had no clue what it was supposed to be about! haha It was great! The girly screams were the BEST!! *giggles* I was home by 6 pm. I have a shitload of movies in my Netflix Instant queue that are expiring on the 1st so I will be watching movies almost nonstop for the next few days. lol *shrugs* That's ok cuz the book I'm on now, I'm having a helluva time getting into. :/ Well, off to work in a few...

Xmas Eve...

I am *officially* pathetic!! :/ Earlier, I was eating spaghetti, watching Return To Me, crying & Sebastian was alternating between licking the garlic bread & licking the tears from my cheek. :/

I'm gonna read now. No sappy shit in the books that I read...*sighs*

Bah humbug...

Alone...

Time. It's a quirky little thing...

All I can think about is getting off tomorrow at 2 pm & coming home so I can be alone. Be able to watch movies & read. Sleep. Snuggle with Sebastian. Time to just not care. Then I'm off Fri. Hafta go to my mom's for dinner (1 pm) but I don't plan on staying long after. Wanna be back home. To be alone. I work regular hours Sat, off Sun, regular hours Mon & off Tue. I'm craving having so much time off right now. It's a necessity really. I need the down time just to be able to get through this *time* alone. However, I'm gonna be hating life when I get my sorry paycheck! :/ Whatever. It is what it is & I gotta do what I gotta do. I'm replaying this timeframe from last year repeatedly in my mind. I don't know how to stop that. I just know that I need to make it through this time...

Snow, Snow Everywhere...but Here!!

Almost all of my peeps on FB are getting snow & are posting pics of their snowfall. It makes me...sad. Lonely. It's a reminder. The worst part of it is that I have several friends in the Seattle area even! *sighs* And, I realize, that I miss it. Which is odd. All of my life, I've *HATED* cold weather & snow. That's why Florida was such a perfect fit for me. The 9 years I lived here before...I felt *home* simply because I never had to deal with cold weather. Now...I feel alien here. Out of place. Last year, when it 1st started snowing, I started freaking out. But, somehow, Kat & the girls managed to turn those feelings around. She made it magical, exciting, fun, beautiful. Watching Bella romp around in it as happy as a pig in mud was hilarious. I...you know, I just don't get it. She abandoned me, snowed in for a week, I couldn't leave the house. 2 days after xmas, my world shattered & I was tossed out in the cold, alone, without any of my belongings & I had to figure out how to be safe overnight until I could get my things from her & make my way to the airport to escape Seattle. You would think...that the bad memories would turn me completely against snow. Just like the bad memories have turned me against almost everything else (friendship, love, trust, faith, xmas!)...

I don't know why I miss snow. I don't know why I miss the Seattle area. Except that the short time that I was there, I felt like I was *home* again...

UGH!!

Today was a very long-ass day!! :-( It seemed as if I'd never get home, away from people. I was grouchy, on edge, nervous, even somewhat pissed off. I just have ZERO ability to deal with people right now. I don't want to deal with people. I just want to hermitize, bury my head, crawl under the covers & forget that anything exists. But, once I got home, all of that drifted away. Had dinner & have been reading ever since. Finally finished the 1 book for book club. I've gone back to the one I started ages ago that Amanda had given me. I have a few of those...that I started & then stopped to start another one for book club. :/ Now I'm getting sleepy though. I'm off tomorrow. I plan on another all-day-in-jammies day. I can't muster enough energy for anything else...

Lazy Sunday!!

Today has been quite the lazy day, just like I wanted! I've been in my jammies ALLLLLL day! ;-p I've really enjoyed it. The only thing "productive" that I've done today is wash dishes...heh. ;-)

Sebastian has seen his reflection in the mirror & does NOT like it one bit!! lol Of course, he spazzes out whenever someone other than me comes in the apt, too! Ha! I really shouldn't be too surprised about that. He's just like his Mama---socially inept! ;-p

He got a bath today finally. The one I've been putting off since I got him. lol But he got it cuz I saw worms on his butt & I freaked out! :/ Gotta get him some meds. But he actually survived the bath better than I expected. He LOVES his brush!! LOL

Other than that, I watched the 3rd ep of Dexter on the dvd that I have & have read all afternoon. 1 of the 2 books that were assigned for last month for book club. lol I'm only halfway through it!

I did play around with my digital camera settings a bit. I've not been impressed by the shots I've been getting but I'm not a manual reader either. :/ I, really...I've had every intention of asking Kat for tips...seeing as she is the one that recommended this particular camera. *sighs* But...she's not available.

It truly is ironic how few things in my life do NOT remind me of her or the family in some form. It's pathetic actually...

Oh, well...back to reading I go...

Busy!!

Today was NUTS! And I didn't even get the full effect of it! I finished my project but got pulled away countless times to help with customers. I'm just glad I finished it.

I want to be a hermit tomorrow. I'm off & I just wanna stay inside all day. I think I may need to go to Publix though. *sighs*

I wanna nap. It's almost 8:30 pm. lol I COULD nap & be up in the middle of the night. I dunno. Maybe I'll just watch the 1st disc of Season 3 of Dexter. I really just wanna sleep & not do anything or...something. *shrugs*

Tiny Project...

Today wasn't bad. Worked on a tiny project of swapping 2 sections of books in room 3 today. Wouldn't have been affected by the massive overhaul that's coming anyway. But I only got halfway done. Hopefully can finish up tomorrow. Just gonna be me, Cindy & Kelli tomorrow so dunno. Yay. Go me. Ugh. *rolls eyes* I'm aching now though from the moving of those hardbacks all day. :/ Stacy suggested the heating pad. Might hafta. :/ Cindy replaced the main computer that's been shot to hell for a while now. I helped Stacy with the set-up but we can't get it to see the network connection so there's no internet access. BrightHouse & Office Depot tech supports were completely useless!! *shock*

It's movie time. And heating pad time. And...Sebastian snuggles time. Peace out...

Stress-Free!

Today was a decent day. Was just us minions there today (me, Stacy, Amanda & Lori), no bosses (Kelli & Cindy). I like those days. There's no stress! When both Cindy & Kelli are there, you can cut the tension with a knife! :/ Either 1 of them there without the other is ok, too. Not that I necessarily feed into the tension too much. I just can't. I've got too much going on in my own bubble to take on anything else. But, still, it affects me enough that I don't like being there.

Mike (Cindy's hubby) came in to show me & discuss the options he has for adding onto the shelving units in Room 3. I'm excited! I'm *SO* ready to get this project started!! I'm not looking forward to the weeks & weeks of shifting & moving an entire room of books but I'm ready for the end result. My OCD has me going nuts the way that room is set up right now.

I'm tired. Didn't go to sleep til 2 am & was up at 5:30 am. :/ Think I'll watch a few eps of The Hunger. It's a Showtime series from the late 90s that I found on Netflix. It's...ummm...quite bizarre!! LOL Then maybe I'll read before I crash. I've GOT to start devoting more time to reading!! I have no room left in my bookcase for the books I wanna read! ;-p

Somber-ness...

Today was...a really...low-key kinda day for me. It wasn't intentional. Just...no joy. Not sad. Just...blah. So, on those days, I tend to be really quiet. Everyone at work noticed. Ugh. *rolls eyes* Kelli came as the spokesperson for the 3 of them & asked if I was ok. I *am* ok. Just...I hate this time of year. I have for years. I always get a little down anyway. This year, it feels a lot worse than in years past. *sighs* Then Stacy came out to have a smoke with me once & she was talking to me. It bothered her that I wasn't giggly & normal. Again, not intentional & nothing I can really do to lift that mood. She kept saying we need to have a Girls Night & get me drunk so I can cry it out or whatever. lol What she doesn't understand is that I already cry. A lot. Crying doesn't help. Just makes me frustrated! :/ Me...drunk...when I'm like this...does NOT make for a good combo! ;-p Getting drunk is not what I need. I need time. About 2 weeks...lol. Get past these stupid freaking holidays!! Then I can go back to my normal low. Ha! *shrugs*

So we had our monthly book club meeting tonight. Not our NORMAL meeting, of course (freaking holidays ruin yet something else!). lol No, really...it was fun. We ate (like normal) but had more desserts than normal. And we added alcohol to the mix! haha I had 2 shots of Tequila Rose. Had never even heard of that before! YUM!! And a daquiri. Maybe Stacy is right...? I did feel a little better after the shots...hmm. Anyway, then we had our Chinese Ornament Exchange. That was funny! I ended up with a little black penguin. He'll blend into my black xmas tree! ;-) Then we played a game called Left-Right-Center. A dice game. I'd never heard of it either. I won the 1st pot. Jen won the last one. Then it was 9 pm & Judy, Amanda & Stacy were leaving so I left, too. I'm gonna be up late cuz I'm out of my routine but I did need to go ahead & come home to start unwinding.

Sebastian was just RETARDED when I got home! LOL O. M. G. He was talking (or rather...squeaking cuz he hasn't exactly learned how to meow yet!) non-stop & ALLLLLL over me for like an hour! Granted, this is the 1st time since I've had him that he's been home alone for 12 hours... :/ He's calmed down now but he's not venturing too far away from me yet.

Maybe I'll watch this vampire movie of Lori's. I'm gonna be up anyway. And I've started *really* slacking with FB. I don't think I've updated my status since Saturday...

An Urge To Write Again...

I'm back! Wow. It's been...8 months since I last wrote here. I started getting the urge to start writing again earlier so...here I am. You know, that comes & goes with me. Wanting...or, rather, needing to write. It's always been a form of therapy for me.

So...a LOT has happened in the last 8 months! Let's see...yes, Kat & I randomly still speak. No, nothing has been resolved with us. Yes, I'm still in love with her & still miss her. Or maybe I'm not in love with her?! I was asked the other day how I could love someone that treated me as she has. The short answer is...I dunno! I miss the girls. I miss Bella. Hell...some part of me even misses Ben. Apparently they have been having issues the last few months. Even have discussed divorce. But I don't know very much of what's going on cuz she doesn't talk to me. Has every access available & just ignores it. Some things never change...

I am still working at the bookstore I interviewed at just before I stopped writing. I like it. Lots of changes have happened there, too. Judy sold the business to Cindy in September. The changes she's made have caused tidal waves...lol. Kelli is perpetually unhappy. I've gotten close to Amanda & Stacy. Joined a Paranormal Book Club with Amanda. Not that I ever finish any of the specified books! lol I may have to really start looking for another job though. I'm not making enough money here & now that I have a vehicle & an apartment...life is hard to afford! :/

Uhh...let's see...Neenah & I went our separate ways in June. She's no longer my Cookie. I miss her but...it was her choice. Although, we've kinda almost sorta reconnected now...she's back on my FB, at any rate. All of the hell I've been through with Kat...I now have a super fantastic aversion to chasing people. You know, me always being the one to contact them, always me putting forth the effort to maintain the friendship. I simply can't do it. With anyone. And so, Neenah & I drifted apart. The same situation (only a little more involved) happened with Kathy. We don't speak at all. She's completely deleted from everything she was attached to. Fuck her. Tanya & I reconnected. I still have small issues with that. Sometimes it just feels like normal & everything is as it was. But sometimes, I get a little freaked out. Trust issues, you know? I have them with *EVERYONE* now. Lee & I rarely chat anymore. I refuse to chase her, too. So...life is quiet for the most part. Not many people remain in my circle.

New apartment. :-) Just before Thanksgiving, I moved out of my mom's & closer to work. I rent a studio apartment from Judy. It's her attic. lol I'm happy here!! :D I feel like I'm grown again...haha. Oh!! And I have a baby boy. His name is Sebastian! See below. ;-)







And here it is, almost xmas. Almost D-Day. D-Day = 1 year anniversary of my world exploding in Seattle. I've yet to recover. And, I'm noticing, that I'm withdrawing into myself the closer those dates come. Maybe why the urge to write again? *shrugs* No idea. Zero xmas spirit. I despise the holiday now. Bought a black xmas tree to commemorate that. After all, last xmas, I was abandoned & snowed in for a week, when she SWORE she'd not do that to me...then 2 days later, my world was in chaos. Not sure I will EVER have xmas spirit again after that.

So, anyway, I'm back. For now. And updated. Somewhat. We'll see how it goes...lol