A Muted Recovery...

After 6 hours of silence tonight, she wins...

My attempting to reconnect with her in this last couple of weeks, let her close again, talk to her...was NEVER about her! Had absolutely zero to do with her & her feelings at all. It was an attempt in finding a way for me to recover from her from the past year & a half & *especially* the last 3 months or so. I need closure with this. If I can't get it, I don't know that I'm ever going to be able to be anywhere near whole again.

But she's a selfish c*nt. I took off my rose-colored glasses finally. I don't give away everything just to show her respect that she threw away the ability to command. I see her for what she is rather than the fake entity she portrayed herself as in order to snare me so long ago. She's pure evil. And weak. And fake. And I hate her so very much for that.

So she wins. It can now go back to being all about her again. I'm not involved whatsoever. Not with her anyway. I hope her biggest fear doesn't happen so that she ends up being alone thinking it's still all about her...I can't manage to hate her that much to wish that upon her...& yet I'm the evil one! Go figure....

Let's Just Avoid It...

It's been 2 days now & neither of us have spoken to each other. I was off yesterday, too. She wasn't online much, I don't think. Her Yahoo status was either idle or "**sleeping**" all day & night. I gave up at midnight & went to sleep. I turned my Yahoo on on my phone at my lunch break. She wasn't online. She's not online now either. Or...she's invisible to me. Whatever. I don't want to contact her. I don't want to give in to her. I don't want to give in to my own emotions. I don't want to miss her or need something to be said that's civil. But I do anyway...fuck. *sighs*

I just can't figure out why I can't stop giving a shit. As much damage as she's done...I still...ffs. I wish I were the evil being she thinks I am. I *wish* I could do her harm or wish it upon her. Better yet, call it up on her, purposefully. I wish I could be everything she thinks I am. Then maybe it wouldn't matter so much that she thought those things....