A Working Sunday...Sorta

Woke up at 8 am.  Unloaded the dishwasher.  Messed around on FB.  Headed up to the store to meet with Karen.  Well, actually, IHOP...across the street but it was PACKED!  So I parked in our parking lot & texted her.  We agreed to meet downtown.  I then texted Cindy.  I didn't realize she was meeting with us, too.  lol  As I was leaving the store, she passed me!  ;-p  By the time I got to Firehouse, she was already there & had hobbled down the sidewalk a bit...& Karen pulled in behind me...haha!  We walked down to The Brickhouse to eat.  And talk.  Mostly about Anthology but Cindy & I veered off into talking about store business & Claire.  Heh.  The highlight of lunch was when a bee/wasp/winged stingy critter flew down the front of her shirt into her bra & she NEARLY totally exposed herself trying to get it out!  ROFL!!  I'm sure the old man sitting across from us quite enjoyed that!  ;-p  Karen & I just laughed.  hehehe

Cindy headed home & Karen & I went to the store.  The whole purpose was to see if we could play the training videos on her laptop since we can't play them on any of the store computers.  Well, we couldn't get her laptop hooked up to the wireless internet.  Grr.  lol  So we were only there for like an hour.  Had 3 or 4 phone calls (that I didn't answer) & 2 people stopped & tried to get in.  lol  Sorry about their luck!  *snorts*

Bud showed up here at the house around 2:30 to cut some more tile.  I read a little & started a movie.  He left at 5.

I'll open tomorrow.  Cindy will be there at 9.  She is to plant her ass up at the registers & NOT walk around! Claire will be there at 10.  I'm going to Karen's house at 9:15 to watch some of these videos.  I tried watching them on my laptop but it just buffers...won't actually play.  *sighs*  I sent an email to our Rep to see if he has any suggestions for us.  Only being able to watch them at Karen's house is NOT feasible!  lol  I'll go back to the store around noon, I imagine, & then close.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few days.  I think...really...the dream I had the other night is what triggered it all.  I was having the "nightmares" because I was paranoid & utterly terrified of a "possible" situation.  I was terrified because...me, MYSELF...I was unsure of how I'd react...if the situation were to actually present itself.  I was terrified of giving in, falling for the lines, forgiving her, & letting her back into my world, only to further torture me.  I was...AM...TERRIFIED of that possibility!  Since January...probably even started in late November...& built itself up in December...but DEFINITELY showed itself starting in January...I've been depressed, attempting to numb myself from the pain, loneliness, fear, stress...of her refusing to listen or talk to me.  So much so that...more than my "usual"...I've opted to smoke to calm my nerves...I've wanted to drink to float above & beyond what I was feeling on the inside...I've made conscious efforts to have "coffee" as much as possible to put a haze over the emotions & suffocate them...but the biggest & most I've done is to eat.  Eat & eat & eat!  Like...all the time!  Every spare moment, I'd find something to munch on.  And I realized that I was doing this way back in January.  But as long as I could concentrate on nibbling on something...I wasn't thinking about the current situation.  And that's the one thing that has gotten to me the most.  I've gained 20+ pounds since January!  I'm at a weight I haven't been at for...10 years?  And it's that "magic" number that usually shocks me into doing something about it.  lol  Anyway...the dream the other night proved to me that I DO know who I am, what I want/don't want, that I AM strong enough to do the right thing, that she has ZERO control over me anymore...but, most of all, it made me realize that I'm no longer depressed & trying to mask it.  Of course, I still think about it.  I probably will for years to come.  I'll never forget how she made me feel.  I'll never forget how deeply I cared about her.  I'll never forget how hopeless I felt every time she assumed something & refused to speak to me about it.  And I realized that I'm no longer feeling the need to prove anything to her.  I don't give a flying fuck if she EVER realizes I didn't say the things she thought I did.  Let her think whatever.  She's no longer important to me...in ANY aspect.  She helped create a big part of who I am today...she'll be the Human Stain in my life that is the guardian to how I interact with people from here on out...she's the Warning Sign for everybody else.  I will never trust another human being the way I trusted her & that's really pretty sad but it is what it is.  But she's also the one who taught me how to Respect MYSELF.  And because of that...the diet resumes tomorrow & the rest of the self-loathing & destructive acts will go back to my normal range.  I don't hate myself anymore cuz of her...I have no need to self-destruct...lol.

My life is good the way it is becoming.  WITHOUT her a part of it.  I'm actually pretty proud of how it looks so far!  ;-)  It feels uber NICE!!