Resolutions--Week 4

Meh...

*Diet: Been a busy week & I just can't seem to get organized or find enough energy. Maybe next week... o.0 Anyway...gained a pound over the week. Still at a total loss of 1.4 pounds since starting this though...

*Smoking: STILL smoking!! My goal is to start trying to quit again on the 1st. I need an *easy* date to remember...lol. 1st works well! ;-p We'll see...

Resolutions--Week 3

Meh...

Diet: Totally been off the diet! Been a helluva week!! Gained 2.6 pounds this week...however, I'm still at a loss of 1.4 pounds since I started this thing. Getting my head back in the game next week...

Smoking: Still smoking! Like I said...helluva week! *sighs* BUT...the "trigger" is gone sooo...I plan on tackling this thing once more next week...

Resolutions--Week 2

Fuck the diet...bring on the smokes!!

*SIGHS*

*Diet: Somehow...I've managed to lose 2.8 pounds this week. Not sure HOW though!! Been eating everything in sight! Stressed is spelled desserts backwards, ya know?! Heh...

*Smoking: Stress level went through the roof Thursday night & I broke down & went out to get a pack of smokes. I got another one yesterday, after work. I may go get another one today...cuz it's turning out to be that kinda day...

Resolutions--Week 1

*Diet: Meh. I'm currently back to where I started at. By midweek, I'd lost 5 pounds but...Nixon showed up & chocolate cravings threw me under the bus! :/ Sooo...starting over...

*Smoking: I haven't had an actual cigarette since the early morning hours of January 1st. I've puffed on the e-cigarette several times though. E-cig is this electronic contraption (that I charge on my computer), emits vapor instead of smoke & is very, very, very light on the nicotine. When I was smoking regularly, I was gonna try to replace real ones with these but there wasn't near enough nicotine in them to be able to do so. I've not puffed on them regularly...or even daily. Only when I get stressed (work or Sara). I'm still on the patches, too.

*#3: Eludes discussion. That's not something tangible that can truly be tracked anyway.

From here out (I don't know for how long. Forever? Dunno. Wait & see...)...my blog will become my Resolution Journal. Nothing else. I won't be bitching about my life or expelling my thoughts on my world here. I'm just not...it doesn't matter anymore...

A Scare...

Sara & I talked Monday night. Kinda put a patch on *us*...for now. I dunno. I'm in avoidance mode, I think. I'm confused. She had some valid points. But I think I do, too. So I'm just kinda...numb...to it right now. At least, consciously. Sub-consciously...is a different story! *sighs*

Cindy will...hopefully (most likely)...be out all week. That cold she'd been fighting finally kicked her ass. She spent the weekend in bed & went to the Dr Monday afternoon. She's got several infections going on, is on antibiotics now & Dr put her on bed rest for 3 days. Kelli, however, has banned her butt from the store til she is WELL!! lol Cuz none of us want that crap! ;-p

Sara got rear-ended yesterday. :-( Of course, that news prompted my love & concern for her to become more prominent than my frustration! I was on edge til I actually got to TALK to her last night...so that I knew she was really (generally) ok. She already had the typical headache going on & body getting sore but she's basically ok. She'll be one sore puppy today. :/

Thoughts at 2 am...

Woke up...to this...coming out of my brain. Had to write it down. Halfway through, the lights were on & coffee brewing & comp came on. I'm up for the day...*sighs*

Confusion is nothing new

But who really knew?

I hear you...

Is the sky still blue?

Nothing is as it seems

And I don't know what it means.

Keep me in waking dreams

For my fence...it always leans.

If I show you my pain

Will you still remember my name?

Sometimes it all feels like a game

But I just want it to stay the same.

Wait...Wait...Can't you see?

This isn't how I want it to be.

Long ago, I'd drop down on my knee

If you'd only claim me.

Now that the coffee's made,

I shouldn't be here, I'm afraid.

Drag me deep into a cave

For it's my soul I need to save.

Are you true?

I haven't a clue.

Or...maybe I do...

I just can't feel you...

Erm...Huh...?!

o.0 Yeah...uhh...*shrugs*...I dunno!! *growls* Maybe tomorrow...*sighs*...???

Frustration + Memories + Doubt + Fear + ...ahhh...fuck it!! I always sucked at math...

Almost Back To Work...

Last of the long weekend. Ok...long to me...NORMAL to anyone else! ;-p I was up just after 7 am...yuck! lol But I was asleep before 11 pm last night...so...*shrugs & laughs*.

After FB & coffee & a shower, I spent 4 hours working on the website. Still feel like I'm treading water there cuz it's not ready to go live yet. :/

Sara texted a couple of times in the early afternoon. I'm just gonna leave it at that. She texted...

After I was tired of working, I tried watching a movie. Got 20 minutes into it before I had to just turn it off. Made an early dinner & then watched another movie.

Not even 6 pm yet & I'm ready for bed!! lol So...I'm just reading Living Nightmare for as long as I can. Last I tried reading it was October & I'm still only halfway through it... ;-p

Grenade - Bruno Mars

Speaking of 2 way streets...this just about sums it up. There was never traffic on both sides...not even in the beginning...



At the height of it for me, I would've done literally anything for you. Not so much this last go around. It gets less & less each time. Because I've known from the start it wasn't a 2 way street...but I kept giving you chances anyway...

Spring Cleaning...in January!

Once I got moving this morning (after coffee), there's been no stopping. I'm Spring Cleaning!! In January...lol. High 70s today so I've had all the windows open all day. They will stay open til I go to sleep. Since I've been smoking in here, figured it needed a good airing out. ;-p Cindy gave me a Wal-Mart gift card for Xmas & I needed a few items so I made a trip there. Got back, unloaded everything & then started the 1st of 4 loads of laundry. Sheets/towels, blanket & 2 loads of clothes. Xmas & NY's has screwed with my normal laundry routine cuz I wasn't really getting days off. lol Started burning Jenn's candle. Nothing behind that other than I like the smell of it. Then I cleaned both litter boxes & made them fresh. Sprayed curtains & stuff with Febreeze. Vacuumed. Boiled eggs for my salads for this week. Did the dishes. Trash. Remade the bed with clean sheets. Last load of laundry should be done in about 30 minutes & then I'll fold/hang them up. Then...last but not least...I'll have dinner. Then watch a movie. Netflix is screwed up. Not sure what's up with that. It's saying the last stuff I watched was on 12/24...lol...I've watched a ton since then! *shrugs* After the movie...dunno...we'll see. I'm ready for a nap! ;-p Was up til 3 am last night. Not doing that again tonight. Been fighting the sniffles, headache, eyes are still bugging me & toothache all day, too. Stick a fork in me...I'm almost done...heh...

The Morning After...

Yeah...so I've had some time to think...& sleep on it. I think it's a real testament to how far I've come...& how much I've already adjusted my thoughts & feelings...

3 1/2 years we've had these arguments! And EVERY time I'd go into instant meltdown mode & end up back pedaling & basically begging her not to go away. I'd be LIVID with Ben for...once AGAIN...taking her away from me. Not so much this time...

Granted...when I 1st read the "Fuck you" text & all the ones after...I was on edge. My heart was beating 90 mph, I was holding my breath, my skin was flushed. I was effectively "on alert"...the Fight or Flight Syndrome. But that was the extent of it.

No meltdown during or after. I actually just exhaled a few good times & shrugged it off afterwards. It is what it is. I'm so used to these flare-ups & whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen...my begging her doesn't affect that. I didn't give up my stance. I didn't back pedal. I didn't beg. It always angers me when Ben gets stupid & decides he needs to be in control of her relationships. I only know of MINE that it affects...I dunno what (if anything) it does to any of her other relationships. But I finally see it for what it really is. It's not about him. He is the person that he is & always has been. Nothing will change that. He's insanely jealous of everything. You either take that & work with it or you leave it. I can't blame him for this. Cuz, ultimately, SHE makes her choice as to what she does. She sucks at maintaining relationships---HER words! When he has a jealous fit, she has a crutch to lean on to fit her own inadequacy. So...realizing that...yeah, I still get angry when it happens cuz it's totally ridiculous BUT...I realize the dynamic there now. Nothing I do or say can change any of that. Accept the things you cannot change...

Acceptance for what IS makes a helluva difference. She'll either come back...or she won't. I can't do a thing to change that. Tamara & I used to spend a LOT of time talking about personal Zen. And though I was always open to the idea, I had no idea of how to achieve it! I think I'm starting to figure it out. Acceptance. It is what it is & I can't change any of it...results in...my own personal Zen. It's actually kinda awesome! :-) Such peace. For the FIRST time...I'm NOT in pieces. She still hurts me but she no longer has the power to destroy me. That's all on ME! I'm in control of how I let her affect me. I have the power now.

If she comes back...we need to really do some MAJOR road reconstruction on this 2 way street!! I'm whatever about her & Ben at this point. Again, that's all them...I can't change any of it. They are either gonna work out their own issues...or they're not. What's important here is OUR relationship. Same goes for my relationship with Ben. It's not a collective relationship any more. It hasn't been for quite a while!! Her & him...me & her...me & him...they are all separate entities! And they must be approached as such.

If she doesn't come back...well...I know she'll be ok. I'll always love her. She IS a part of me. That is undeniable. But she'll forget soon enough...if she hasn't already. Her conscience has a way of protecting her. She'll find her way through life the way she always has. I'd wish her to be happy but I dunno that she can ever do that. Maybe one day she'll finally realize what parts of life are TRULY important...& she can finally be happy with all that she has...

Now...getting that off my chest...I've got chores to do. My life continues. No matter what...

Fuck you?!

REALLY?!?! Wow. She reads my blog...though she hasn't really been texting for days now. She gets pissed off at me & texts & the 1st words are..."Fuck you". Funny...Angel's FB status said something to the effect of "How you spend your time ringing in the new year is indicative of the year to come." Oh, well that's just AWESOME!! Cuz I started mine with THIS?! No, I think not. Resolution #3...to NOT be a doormat to those who have been treating me like one. To NOT get overly involved with people who are FAKE. To NOT just take what's handed to me but to realize what I'm worth & what I deserve out of my relationships. To NOT let someone else feed me lines that I'll just automatically fall for. Like I said...#3 will be a constant work in progress cuz it's a combination one.

You know, a part of that is...when I reach out for someone & I get ignored...it HURTS. Like a bitch!!! I have an extremely hard time with that. I always have. I automatically react to it by retreating & hiding. I want to stop that. I basically rarely reach out to people 1st cuz of this. ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And FUCK if I'm gonna do it with someone who has a HISTORY of not responding!! That's just ASKING for trouble!!

But she never listens. She never HEARS me. Especially when she's wrapped so tightly up in her own shit. But that's her problem. Not mine. I used to just take it & agonize over it. And by the time she'd start to listen...I was over the edge crazy with hurt. Not doing it anymore. It's not worth it.

I can't be "friends" with someone I rarely get to talk to. Those are referred to as "acquaintances". FRIENDS are those who play an active role in your life & you in theirs. I can't text or call when I have something to share for fear of getting her in trouble. Or that she'll shoot me down & cut me off cuz she's too busy. Or...worst of all...simply ignore the message. I've been giving a little bit of that back to her the last few days & apparently she doesn't like it. o.0 WELL WELCOME TO MY FUCKEN WORLD!!!! Have a seat...make yourself comfortable...it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Oh...& it certainly doesn't feel very nice. "Friendship is a 2 way street." Absolutely!!! Except most of the time, I only see one-way traffic. Re-read this paragraph if you've forgotten why I see it that way. I can only respond. I can't initiate. What kind of a friendship is that? A convenient one. And only one of us getting something out of it. Go talk to all your other friends that you don't talk to cuz you talk to me more than anyone. Go on! You'll realize they won't be at your beck & call either. Nor will they make time for you. Cuz they haven't in the past...

I've been sick. Does she bother to say anything? Nope. She's reading my blog so I know she knows. But she doesn't say anything...cuz hell...she's not saying anything at all! Except to tell me she got her hair cut & that her & Ben went out on a date. But I knew the last bit cuz Ben posted it on his FB. If I found out something happened to her, I'd fight my demons & message her in a heartbeat. 2 way street...REALLY?!

I'm not fighting. I'm not angry. I'm frustrated that I can't be heard & not just misconstrued to fit what you want it to say. You're so incredibly pissed off at me right now & that's fine. It is what it is...

I said "Happy New Year" to a bunch of people tonight. Except you. You think I'm rude for it. Thing is...I repeated the sentiment to those friends because NONE of them talk to me only when it's convenient. I have ongoing relationships with them. We talk daily or almost daily...completed conversations. They never leave me hanging. And not a one of them am I afraid to contact 1st for those very same reasons. It's all relative. I treat them the way they treat me. And I'm starting to treat you the way you treat me...THAT'S a 2 way street!! You give what you get...

So you can be in control & not talk to me. That's your choice. You're just making things worse & giving me the chance to test out my #3 Resolution. Just remember that I've always just reacted to you...