3 1/2 years we've had these arguments! And EVERY time I'd go into instant meltdown mode & end up back pedaling & basically begging her not to go away. I'd be LIVID with Ben for...once AGAIN...taking her away from me. Not so much this time...
Granted...when I 1st read the "Fuck you" text & all the ones after...I was on edge. My heart was beating 90 mph, I was holding my breath, my skin was flushed. I was effectively "on alert"...the Fight or Flight Syndrome. But that was the extent of it.
No meltdown during or after. I actually just exhaled a few good times & shrugged it off afterwards. It is what it is. I'm so used to these flare-ups & whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen...my begging her doesn't affect that. I didn't give up my stance. I didn't back pedal. I didn't beg. It always angers me when Ben gets stupid & decides he needs to be in control of her relationships. I only know of MINE that it affects...I dunno what (if anything) it does to any of her other relationships. But I finally see it for what it really is. It's not about him. He is the person that he is & always has been. Nothing will change that. He's insanely jealous of everything. You either take that & work with it or you leave it. I can't blame him for this. Cuz, ultimately, SHE makes her choice as to what she does. She sucks at maintaining relationships---HER words! When he has a jealous fit, she has a crutch to lean on to fit her own inadequacy. So...realizing that...yeah, I still get angry when it happens cuz it's totally ridiculous BUT...I realize the dynamic there now. Nothing I do or say can change any of that. Accept the things you cannot change...
Acceptance for what IS makes a helluva difference. She'll either come back...or she won't. I can't do a thing to change that. Tamara & I used to spend a LOT of time talking about personal Zen. And though I was always open to the idea, I had no idea of how to achieve it! I think I'm starting to figure it out. Acceptance. It is what it is & I can't change any of it...results in...my own personal Zen. It's actually kinda awesome! :-) Such peace. For the FIRST time...I'm NOT in pieces. She still hurts me but she no longer has the power to destroy me. That's all on ME! I'm in control of how I let her affect me. I have the power now.
If she comes back...we need to really do some MAJOR road reconstruction on this 2 way street!! I'm whatever about her & Ben at this point. Again, that's all them...I can't change any of it. They are either gonna work out their own issues...or they're not. What's important here is OUR relationship. Same goes for my relationship with Ben. It's not a collective relationship any more. It hasn't been for quite a while!! Her & him...me & her...me & him...they are all separate entities! And they must be approached as such.
If she doesn't come back...well...I know she'll be ok. I'll always love her. She IS a part of me. That is undeniable. But she'll forget soon enough...if she hasn't already. Her conscience has a way of protecting her. She'll find her way through life the way she always has. I'd wish her to be happy but I dunno that she can ever do that. Maybe one day she'll finally realize what parts of life are TRULY important...& she can finally be happy with all that she has...
Now...getting that off my chest...I've got chores to do. My life continues. No matter what...
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