Whirlwind!!

UGH!! What a week it has been!! And next week will be even worse! *sighs*

Work has been...tense. Cindy has had major attitude all week. And it's, of course, affected all of us. She royally pissed me off on Monday. There was no SENSE in it & I wasn't the only one at a loss about it. Nobody else *got* why she did what she did either. But anyway. Claire was due in & her JOB is to put flats away. There were...I dunno...10 or 12 stacked up. That's a good day's worth...or, at least, would keep Claire busy for the time she's there. WE (Kelli, me, Amanda & Stacy) all know what needs to be done & how to do our jobs BUT...lately...we've gotten into the habit of asking Cindy what she wants us to do. Otherwise, she tends to criticize & question what we do. *sighs* So...I asked what she wanted me to do (KNOWING I need to continue with Room 4!). Ok, so...Amanda hasn't been in the garage for weeks & it was absolutely ridiculous!!! But...she had plans to work in there that day! So Cindy looks at me & tells me I should help Claire put flats away...that I don't need to pull any more excess from Room 4 til Amanda gets the garage cleared. REALLY?! The 500 boxes of excess that need to go *somewhere* (donated to whichever cause) that are in front of the door is what is in Amanda's way...NOT what I am currently pulling! So...right away...I was perturbed. There's NO need for Claire to even be there if I'm putting flats away! Cuz what'll happen is...in 2 hours, there'll be nothing for either one of us to do! Then Stacy suggested I stay on counter & process while she finishes the front case (like she's been trying to do for a week) so I was like sure, no problem. Cindy turns to me & extremely caustic, asks, "Is there a problem with putting flats away?!" I said no, grabbed a flat & walked off. Fuck this!! So what happened then? Claire went home at noon...2 hours after she got there...cuz...there was nothing left for her to do! *snorts* Whateva!

Tuesday & Wednesday...Cindy was just as bad...apparently. I had been able to escape into 4 so I missed the most of it...but everyone told me about it. *sighs* I didn't go to Book Club Wednesday night. ALL I wanted to do was just lay down! :/ Cindy was off on Thursday. It was just me, Kelli & Amanda. I opened at 8:30...Amanda & Kelli came in at 10. At 3ish pm, Amanda decided she was too sick to stick out the rest of the day so she went home. I stayed til 5:15, til Kelli broke down the 2nd drawer. You can't do that & wait on customers, too. Made for a REALLY long day! :/

Friday. OMG. The chaos started early in the morning!! Thursday before I left, I *thought* we'd decided Kelli & Amanda would come in at 10 & I would open. So I texted Stacy & told her she could come in at 9 or 10...her choice. She opted for 9. Right after, she got a call from her dad & made dinner plans with them since she was getting off early. Then Kelli texted & said she never heard from Stacy about when she was coming in. Stacy never got a text from her about it so of course she didn't respond! lol Within minutes, Kelli was knocking on my door! She & John were closing on a house that night & she needed off early so she was going in to open. I was like...ughhhh...whatever! If Amanda doesn't last the entire day, *I* will stay & close with Cindy--no big deal! FFS! When I got there at 8:45, Kelli said she'd told Amanda to come in at noon so that she could close. *sighs* So everything was set...but the tension was STILL present! Whateva! OMG! Then later, I was in 4, minding my own business, doing my job. I've made it to the back wall now & was on the bookcase closest to the corner, where the outside door is that we NEVER use. All of a sudden, the door starts opening & Kelli walks in, scaring the shit outta me! LOL She didn't want Cindy knowing she was coming back there to me...but...Cindy had asked her if I was having money problems & commented to her that she was going to talk to Judy about lowering my rent! WTF?! OMG!!!! That is *SO* none of her business!!! And...OMG...rent is NOT the problem I'm having! *SIGHS* 1st of all, I haven't been getting the hours that I normally get! My paycheck has been about $100 less than normal! I've also been having these fucken insurance premiums being deducted! With the decrease in pay...the insurance is making me SHORT for the month! ARGHHHHHH!!! I've been trying to get the insurance cancelled but the premiums are continuing to come out anyway! Which is pissing me off! I called BCBS on Friday & they can't find me as a member in their system! So I contacted Marty (agent) for him to find out what the problem is. He's been utterly useless.

Sooo...anyway...after a week of hell...I have an *actual* FULL weekend off! :-) Saturday AND Sunday!! ;-) I plan on doing *nothing*! *smirks* But...next week...is gonna be pure chaos!! Ugh. We have SIBA, Thursday-Sunday. Stacy & I are going Thursday. Cindy, too. But the rest of it, Cindy, Amanda & Kelli will be going. Which means...Friday, I believe it is...Stacy & I will be running the store entirely alone. UGH! I'm not looking forward to this week at all!

Andy has been pulling childish, moronic stunts with Sara & Ben. *sighs* He's now royally pissing me off cuz...I guess...I dunno...I'm getting "protective" of them. :/ He's creating stress for them & I don't like it. But there's nothing that I can do. I want to tell him off so bad, threaten him...*something*...but I fucken CAN'T. She won't let me. But...in a way...I'm glad he's pulling this shit. Way back when, she was so SURE that I was evil & vindictive & would do stuff to her...which I NEVER would've even contemplated! It is almost vindicating that this little piece of shit is proving to her that I was never what she thought I could be...& also proving to her that she made the *right* choice in letting him go. She tries to defend him by saying he's in pain & is just lashing out. Yeah...I was in pain & lashed out at her, too. DIFFERENCE being that I lashed out at HER! Not Ben. Not anyone else. I didn't even think about affecting her real life in any way. There's a massive difference! I wouldn't be surprised if this punk tries outing her in her job, etc. I hope not...but it wouldn't surprise me at all right now. :/ I don't really know WHY...but the more things that I learn she did with him or for him or whatever...the more...uhh...dejected...??...I feel. :/ She completely went ALL out with him...in every way possible. And I...can't help but feel...completely rejected & just...fuck...whateva...it makes me even MORE apt to not fall for her lines again. I am very well aware of what she gave to me...& it was NOTHING...ever...compare that to this fucken moron &...well...*sighs heavily*...just reinforces what I've felt for so long...that I never meant *anything* at all to her. She proved it in her actions. Over & over. And now, all of a sudden, she claims she still loves me & wants to get us back on track somehow. Ben is completely on board this time. Right. Forgive me for being completely disbelieving. :/ To make matters worse, Ben teases & flirts sometimes & I'm at a complete loss at how to handle it! 2 years ago, I wasn't allowed to be like that with her. I'm STILL not like that with her NOW...but I'm supposed to somehow react to him??? No. I don't know how. I don't think I could even *imagine* going to another level with them until Andy is complete history. At ALL! It's a trust issue. It's...a creating a solid base FIRST before anything else happens...issue. *sighs* I dunno. They will tire of me not truly responding to them soon. I'm aware of that. But I can't do anything til I'm truly *ready* for it. It's always been about "bad timing" for us. That's not gonna change...

Anyway...the HIGHLIGHT of my week has been Jenn!! We've reached that plateau of going as far as we can online, etc...& we're in a holding pattern til RL happens. It's NOT an easy place to be!! The tension creates issues all its own! :/ She bought her plane tickets on Friday so the visit is now *OFFICIAL*!! We just have to survive til she gets here! :-) I WANT her to be here. I WANT this to go forward...not just stagnate. I WANT everything she keeps promising. It excites me. It thrills me. It scares me! But I NEED her. I need her to be true. I need this to not just be words, or promises or suggestions or...whatever the word is that I'm looking for. I guess...I just need to know that someone truly cares about me. :/ That's sad but...*shrugs*...I've been so conditioned otherwise. And I'm STILL getting proof that I'm always replaceable...that I need the affirmation. Even if just for a little while...*sighs heavily*

Beach House!!

So I was asleep shortly after 1 am...lol...that's BEYOND rare for a Saturday night!! But I knew I had to get up early this morning. Plus, I was exhausted. Been a helluva week with work &...emotional stress. :/

I turned the alarm off at 8 am...& went back to sleep! ACK!! Woke up at 9:07 & jumped up & got ready & met Cindy at the store at 9:30! LOL We left my car there & I rode with her. We went directly to the beach house. It's not hard to get to at all! :-) It wasn't anything like I was imagining! I had the *typical* beach house in mind. It's not. It's a regular house a few blocks from the ocean. It's at the end of a cul-de-sac by the canal. I would SO live there in a heartbeat! LOL It's gonna be soooo freaking *perfect*! ;-) Then we drove a little ways in both directions along the beach. Then on to Good Will to shop for books...HAHAHA!! ;-p Then she drove me to The Loop & Bulow Creek State Park. At the park, is one of the oldest living southern oak trees in the country! It's over 400 years old & so incredibly AMAZING!! At best guesstimate, it's about 60' around the base of it!! Then we were on the way home & Todd called her. He's on patrol & noticed an empty car parked at the store plus a mustang there with people in it. She told him the empty car was mine & that we were almost back there. LOL!! Her son being a deputy sheriff means the store is under constant surveillance! ;-) So when we drove up, he had the squad car diagonally parked in front of the door & the mustang was leaving the parking lot...LMAO!

OMG...I can't wait til October & Jenn & I get to vacation in a little spot of awesomeness! :D There's no internet there either! *smirks*

Got all my chores done this weekend, too. Amazingly enough! ;-p Almost 5 pm...& I haven't got anything else left to do tonight...unless I decide to have dinner! *laughs* Closing tomorrow so I'm going in late.

Poly Chaos!!

Jenn & I had a long, terrible, miserable discussion last night about poly. Specifically, about me being involved with Ben & Sara. *sighs* I still haven't fully processed it cuz I went to sleep almost as soon as it was over. But...my initial thoughts...

I am attached to Ben & Sara. I always have been! I fell in love with her over 3 years ago & I still love her...even though it's not the same as it was back then. So much has happened since that it's been damaged, changed, evolved into something else. But it's still there. I've had a couple very short intervals of time that I allowed myself to get attached to Ben as well. And I'm in the process of a 3rd go around with him. I care about him. It's not the same as Sara. But there's no way that it could ever be the SAME anyway. It's not possible to love any 2 people in the same manner. I love their girls. I love their dog! lol I even got attached to her dad, FFS. I am attached, irrevocably, to their entire family unit. Add in the D/s element & things increase. I can't describe that aspect. Just like I couldn't describe the sky to a blind person. It just IS what it is. That being said...I am IN a relationship with them currently. Friendship. It's way beyond *just* friendship, but that's what it is right now. If it ever starts to become anything like it was back in the day...I will put my walls back up. I can't do it THAT way again. It wasn't healthy for me. I am not *PLANNING* on becoming intimate with them any time soon. Just like I'm not planning on still being alive tomorrow! This is gonna evolve & become whatever it's meant to be. On it's own terms. I have a set guideline that I hafta adhere to or otherwise, I will feel taken advantage of & will feel like I'm just their toy. I don't know if that guideline can be met or not. That will come in time. Plus, I'm 3000 miles away from them! It's not like it's an easy thing that's gonna just randomly happen.

Jenn. Yes, I love her. She is a HUGE part of my world! It's not the same stupid, giddy, ridiculously in love like it originally was with Sara. Sara was my 1st love. Nothing can ever touch that again! It's not the same as what I feel for her now. It's not the same as what I feel with Ben. It is it's OWN entity. She makes me happy. She makes me feel needed, wanted, adored. She makes me feel important. She doesn't hide me. She makes me feel like this love thing isn't all just a crock of shit! She makes me dream of a future. She makes me laugh. She gets under my skin. She makes me feel not so ashamed of myself. She makes me feel like I deserve to be loved & be able to love in return. I think that's the biggest & best part of it all. We still hafta meet in October...& no matter what I feel now...I will have a better idea of what this can be like after then. I'm in no way confident but I have a very good feeling that we will be good together & for each other. But it's a waiting game at this point. We just hafta wait for it & see what happens.

I knew Jenn had contemplated a poly relationship in her past so I thought she understood the concept. It's not like I've actually *lived* the lifestyle...but I'm open to giving it a shot. That is something that is entirely based on trying it to see if you can emotionally handle it. There's no other way to do that. But, I'm still confused...she was willing to give it a shot...but she absolutely refuses to let me do it. It's a control thing, I think. She wants me to herself. She wants me to need only her. She's accepted that I love Sara & she can deal with that. She can't deal with me having sex with them. Sex is not a high priority for me. It never has been. So the whole concept is lost on me. I'm in it for the entire relationship. It's not about cheating on her to have sex with them. It's not about them taking me from her. She's 100% convinced that if I have sex with them, Sara will steal me from her. :/ Sara has her own life. She knows I need to have mine, too. Nobody is stealing anybody away from anybody else. Jenn made the comment last night that me being with her makes it easier for me to be with Ben & Sara. And while that sounds horrible...it's kinda true. I can't conceivably be the 3rd for Ben & Sara & that be all for me. I don't get what I need from that. I get left out & I get pushed aside. I become their toy. However, having Jenn, completes my world. That sounds selfish of me now that I say it. :/ But, I dunno...Sara couldn't ever be content to just have me. She needs Ben. Jenn needs me & she says that's enough for her. I wonder sometimes though. And it worries me. Both sides of it. I will have a huge gaping hole in my world if I lose Sara OR Jenn!! Me needing Sara, too, hurts Jenn. And what if, at some point, Jenn realizes she needs more than just me? Ahhh...*sighs*...it's ALL pure conjecture at this point!! None of us can say what this is going to turn into. I guess...I just needed to have the freedom to choose NOT be taken from me...however, if I'm given an ultimatum & I hafta choose between Sara & Jenn...OMG...

Community Property...

LOL!! Well...after work today, I went to Wal-Mart & picked up the coffee pot Jenn bought & had shipped there! ;-p She says we're married now! *chuckles* It's for when she visits...she drinks coffee daily...lol...but she's not taking it home with her! ;-p It'll be here for when she visits again. lol

*DIES*

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, so...Jenn & I have *been* planning a night's stay at a hotel on the beach while she's here. I only know of one...the one mom took my grandmother & aunts to a couple of summers ago. I loved it but it's over $100/night. So...cuz everyone I work with is from here & travels & knows EVERYTHING...hahaha...I waited til Stacy, Cindy & Kelli were all close by this morning & asked if they knew of any nice hotels on the beach for less than $100. Stacy & Kelli started giving me ideas. Then Cindy asks what am I looking for one for. Stacy starts laughing & showing out & says it's for when my girlfriend comes down in October! ;-p Cindy immediately yells out "MY BEACH HOUSE!!!" *dies laughing* They just bought this beach house on the other side of Daytona a few weeks ago. They're still in the process of cleaning it up & decorating, etc. She was telling me a little bit about it & it sounds freaking *perfect*! :D 2 blocks from the ocean but down there...it's the epitome of beach front living so the 2 blocks is more like...you're basically on the beach anyway. haha It's apparently got a fenced in back yard on the canal with gardens in front & back. Completely furnished--just need food, she says...lol. There's a hammock in the back yard. I can bring Bastian with us so I don't hafta worry about getting someone to come in & check on him. And, apparently, the guy they bought it from, had pet squirrels & he just let them go when he moved...GRRR...but she says I have to give them peanuts every morning...hehehe...that will be AWESOME!! ;-) She & Mike are going over there on Sunday to do some painting, etc so she wants me to go with her so I can learn how to get out there & to actually see the place. :D I can't wait!! She said I could stay a day or 2 or the whole time Jenn is here, if I want...but she's certain, we won't want to come back to my place once we've been out there...ahahahahahaha!!!! :D And...they're all telling me to take Jenn to St Augustine, since it's soooo close to the beach house! ;-p Jenn discovered they have a ghost tour there so I guess we're for sure sure gonna try that! :D OMG...I can't wait...*dies*

Labor Day Weekend...

hahaha I'm really starting to slip with this blogging thing! ;-p I'm not even gonna TRY to play catch up but I'll hit on a couple of things that are on my mind...heh! ;-p

So...I'm scheduled to go to SIBA on the 23rd. With Stacy (maybe?) She doesn't even wanna go at all so I'm not sure why Cindy has her going--I wouldn't waste the money on her going if I were Cindy! o.0 But whatever. Cindy will go every day, of course. Anyway, the 23rd is when they're doing the seminars on Twitter & online marketing. haha

Speaking of work...one day last week, Lara Adrian became a fan of our FB page! :D It has been totally COOL talking to a *celebrity*!! hehehehe I've never read any of her stuff but Amanda says she's pretty awesome! ;-) I don't read anymore...period! lol I never have time for it! ;-p

More regarding work...I hafta cancel the insurance. *sighs* I simply can't afford the premiums. I could always move back to living with my mom & I'd be able to afford a LOT more than I can now...but, yeah...NO, THANKS!!! I enjoy being my own person way too much...I just hafta make better choices...in what I have or can have. :/

Kat put me through a slight panic. It's all ok now though. Well, I guess it is...haven't talked to her in a couple of days! Things can change hourly with her! LOL *shrugs* I'm steadily drifting away from them but I'm still attached. I dunno...I feel "safe" in drifting. It's what I NEED atm & she has enough going on in her world right now anyway. They need to reconcile with each other more than anything else! I don't want to be in the middle of it...or hafta take sides...or be a crutch for either one of them. I need to experience this relationship with Jenn more than I need to be toyed with...whatever the true feelings are...I end up feeling toyed with. There's no certainty or stability. I dunno how to explain it without it coming off "negative"...

Tanya & Sean moved back to Jonesboro. They're in their new house now but no internet as of yet. Can't wait til she has normal access again! ;-) You know, I will ALWAYS hate Sean...but I'm glad she's back where she has friends & family. She craves that so much! My only hope is that Sean has figured out how to grow up & be a husband/father. I don't give a fuck what happens to him in his life...but I *AM* concerned about Tanya & Cooper!

Jenn had a pretty busy weekend...haha. And she's so bad...LOL!! She spent most of her time with family on the phone with me! ;-p I talked to one of her uncles...LMAO! OMG...that was nuts! ;-p There's been quite a bit of *revelations*...on her end. Stuff she didn't want me to know about. Other people continue to give her grief over it so she expected me to do the same! :/ If it changed *anything* about the way I feel...it only made me realize she deserves to be happy even more than I'd already figured out!!

I'm back to smoking regularly & totally off the diet. Meh...*shrugs* Still trying to figure out what to do about those 2 things but whatever...

Some days...Jenn's visit in October can't get here soon enough. But some days...I'm afraid for it to get here! SOOOO many insecurities about that & what all is involved...& what happens afterwards. I remember vividly...how I was the day before, the day of...walking off the plane & seeing Kat. I remember my dreams & expectations. Hopes. Desires. The *LIFE* that I'd created in my mind. I also remember the moments all of that died. I remember the year & a half of being numb cuz of those deaths. It's not something I wish to go through again...ANY of it. I don't want the happiness & dreams if it's just gonna die...

Anyway...*sighs*. Everything happens for a reason. Whatever is supposed to happen...is gonna happen. I just wish I knew I had a choice or a defense against it...

Weekend be GONE!!

UGH!! Was a HELLUVA weekend!! I'm soooo glad it's over!! :/

It all started Friday night with this dumb chick leaving an inappropriate comment on Jenn's FB page. It upset me & pissed her off. That was an all night long issue. :/

Saturday, at work...UGH! Cindy pissed me off towards the end of the day. I spent 3 freaking months reorganizing room 3 & have been working on room 4 since. But I was putting flats away Saturday afternoon & found out just how much of a WRECK room 3 is in!! It pissed me off cuz Claire is not doing her job properly. It was mentioned to Cindy & her response was "Well, you haven't been in room 3!" WTF?! I just gave her a dumb look for a minute & then looked at Kelli. SERIOUSLY?! Kelli backed me up immediately, stating that *I* shouldn't be the only person that knows how to put books away properly to avoid the mass chaos & overcrowding that occurs! But she just doesn't GET it...at all!! It's like talking to a brick wall. At that point, I was over it & went home. Done. I do NOT want to repeat this process of 6 months of work reorganizing these rooms in another year cuz people can't fucken put books away the RIGHT way to begin with!!! ARGHHHH!!! But wtfever...*sighs*

So, yeah, I left work & went straight to Amanda's new house. Mostly to SEE the new house...lol...but REALLY...she offered up adult beverages & I was *SO* there at that point! haha The house is just AWESOME! Love it!! But Dan hurt his back again Friday night & has been down ever since. He is LITERALLY crooked! I almost cried just looking at him...OMG! And she's had the boys all weekend by herself basically since Dan can't do anything...plus, still trying to move! :/ Eep! Gage came out & was being my friend (getting me to pet him). He's not usually that friendly with me. Champ is my favorite & is usually the one that will come to me but he hid most of the time. I'm more at ease around Champ. He at least talks! Gage does not. Both boys are autistic, by the way, if you're getting lost here. lol Champ is 8 & Gage is 6 or they may be 9 & 7 by now--not sure! Anyway, the whole time I was there, they were being quite bad...tearing stuff up, etc. They collapsed one of the beds by jumping on it & I helped her fix it. I went home after a while & spent time with Jenn...in & out of SL. AFTER we had a long phone call.

Was getting texts from Kat off & on. At some point, late in the night, I did something I shouldn't have done. But it was out of desperation & concern. I don't know if it helped or hurt matters yet but it upset her some. I simply do not know how to deal with the situation anymore...just on my end of it!! And it bothers me hearing her upset all of the time. Sooo...I made a choice. Time will tell. Anyway...I laid down at 7 am Sunday morning but was still basically awake when Amanda started texting me at 9 am. I finally fell asleep sometime after that. Luckily, I'd put my phone on silent after Amanda cuz my phone started blowing up around noon. I didn't get up til 1 pm. And it blew up all damn day!! Kat mostly. *sighs* I went over to Amanda's around 3ish pm. Her dad & stepmom were there when I got there. She'd already dropped the boys back off with their mom. Dylan was leaving to go somewhere. Dan was still down & out. So I helped her bring in their huge ass computer desk, a big chair & a coffee table from the garage into the house. We had more adult beverages!! haha Dan's bird, Chewbaca, became my buddy. He stayed perched on my shoulder for about 30 minutes or so. lol I've always been kinda scared of him before so I've never held him really. But he talked & sang the whole time! lol Gave me kisses & even pooped on me! ;-p Then we discovered a little family of finches outside & we sat out there & watched them for a while. She fed them. They were so cute! ;-) Then I went home & spent time with Jenn in SL. I was out like a light by 10:30 pm! haha Phone was still going off til 2 am! :/

Bastian woke me up at 4 am though. I was due to get up at 5. *sighs* I opened this morning. Nixon came to visit late Saturday night...helping Manda move those few things yesterday...yeah, well, it didn't make for a good combo!!! My EVERYTHING hurts!!! So I came home today at 1 pm. When Jenn goes to work, I'll do kitty litter, wash dishes, fold laundry from Saturday night & dinner...then I'm hugging the heating pad the rest of the night. :/

Lazy Day Off...

hahaha Jen & I were on the phone for over 6 hrs last night! ;-p I didn't go to bed til after 4 am...*smirks*

Got up at 1 pm finally. Then STILL got nothing accomplished! lol Wasn't even Jen's fault! *giggles* I just...wanted to veg. I'll do laundry & stuff on Sunday. Got texts from Amanda & Stacy throughout the day. From what I gather, the day at work was...bad. *sighs* So I'm not looking forward to tomorrow & I just wanted to relax today... :/

Got several texts from Ben today. Kat was working--getting ready for school to start back up. But then she kept showing up on Yahoo--both accounts...but I dunno if it was actually her. Last week, I'd messaged her when I saw her on one day & Ben texted me saying she wasn't home. So, yeah, even though I HAD more confidence in messaging her 1st...I don't anymore. :/

Jen & I had a long discussion last night about Ben & Kat & the whole poly issue. I think I'm finally figuring out my hesitance about them. She would let me go to them...if I wanted to. But I don't think I want to. Not right now. I'm too afraid of being their "toy" or being in between them still. Or...the simple fact that they aren't consistent. I need the stability!! I can't do the yo-yo thing anymore. It makes me insane. And THAT'S the reason I continue to hesitate!! But if it ever gets to the point where they TRULY know what it is that they want...it'll be a discussion for all FOUR of us...not just them...& not just me...

GRRRRR!!!

Ok...so the weekend pretty much SUCKED!!! hahaha Withdrawals from smoking culminated as of Saturday. I went out 3 times to get JUNK to nom to keep from smoking...& all 3 times, I had to fight a mental battle to NOT buy cigs while I was there!! *sighs* But...I didn't give in...& I guess that's a plus...lol! ;-p I couldn't sit still for shit. I didn't sleep like I wanted to either. It would've been easier if I had! :/ The cravings weren't as intense on Sunday. I spent a lot of time talking to Jen...& that helped. :-) Gave me something else to concentrate on...haha. But...OMG...I've gained like 6 lbs from all the CRAP I ate! Sheesh. I think I will wait & go back to the diet on the 1st...make a whole new fresh start with it. Get this quitting smoking thing under control 1st. Ick. :/ I'm wearing my last patch today. Hoping it'll help push me over that edge of being psycho...*chuckles*

Cindy should be back to work on Friday or Saturday. I may be opening most of the week but Kelli was off Saturday (since it was her birthday) so we didn't get a chance to figure it out for sure. I'll go ahead & open this morning & then we'll figure it out when she gets there. Cindy was telling Manda & I on Saturday that she really wants each of us to spend a day at SIBA at the end of September...culminating with all of us being there on Sunday--the last day of it cuz that's when the trade show part of it is open & all of the booths are out, etc. Kelli was saying that Judy always paid for people to go to it in the past but we have no idea what Cindy's gonna do. You have to pay to park, food while you're there, etc. Hotels for staying over but that's kinda dumb since it's in Daytona...so I dunno...guess we'll get all of that figured out the closer it gets to time for it to happen. *shrugs* I would imagine since we'll be off work to go, she'd pay us as if we were at work?? Not sure...we'll see...

Jen & I discussed her trip here in more detail. I'm getting excited about it but...still...a little freaked out! ;-p After all...my only REAL *experience* with this sort of thing was Kathy &...well...I wasn't exactly receptive to her at all. LOL!! ;-p Plus, Jen will be on my turf...not me being in a totally foreign situation...which I think will help. We'll be here at my place for the most part. But we'll most likely get a hotel room at the beach at least for one night--that will be awesome!! It has been...*thinks*...hmm...shit...maybe since Pensacola since I spent time at the beach at night (which I've always loved the most) & that was in 1991! haha Then there's the Halloween party at Da Vinci's which will be freaking AWESOME if it's anything like it was last year!! :D All the girls really want to meet her, too. ;-) Which helps a lot, too. It's extremely ODD being with someone that everybody I know is in approval of!! *smirks*

Speaking of...I spoke to Kat a few times last week & each time, she was doing some random thing that...finally made me realize...I am sooooo *NOT* suited for them! At all. :/ I've always known the politics thing would be an issue. But...I have NEVER been one to be influenced by status enhancers (LOVE the BMW but...I have a thing for nice cars just not for the STATUS that they bring--why I've always picked on her about the Subaru...haha) But, really...the country club membership??? Come on!! *rolls eyes* Yeah, yeah so she says it's so they can play golf...*dies laughing* Ok, so I've always sucked at sports. And...well, I've played putt putt golf & that was fun but REAL golf...no, thanks! And the bowling league? Yeah...there's the sports thing again. I attempted to bowl a few times when I was a teen. Fun cuz it was just that...for FUN! But It's not something I can learn & improve how I play it. lol And the camping thing...yeah...NEVER!!!! No matter WHAT or HOW they went about trying to involve me in that! *laughs* I wouldn't be adverse to going to visit them for several reasons. I want to go back to that part of the world cuz I fell in love with the area & the weather there when I was there & I miss it. I'd love to see the new house. I'd love to see the girls & Bella. I'd truly love the chance to hang out with them & just get to know each other...FINALLY. I guess I still have the need to prove to Ben I'm not evil. I never was. I never had any bad intentions before. I want him to get to know me for me & not as a jealousy issue or a threat to him. I want to get to know her for her & not as a cold fish spaz that she was at the time. But...that's the extent of it. :/ I don't want to go there, KNOWING they will tag team me into doing something I don't really want to do. Because I'd certainly give in...I always do in that kind of situation & I would anyway just *cuz*...but it's been 2 yrs since there was anything even remotely intimate between us...I can't just jump straight back into that! And she doesn't understand that. I was never certain about him even way back when. There's no way I'm ready to even contemplate it now. I still love her & she knows that. A part of me always will. But I have to keep that separate. I owe it to Jen to keep it separate. I've found something with her that could turn out to be REAL & be what I *need* & if I were to go off & lose my mind...all of that would be ruined. I'm not ready to throw her away for one of Kat's whims...I'm well aware that Kat only truly cares every so often & not always...I need more than just occasionally...*sighs*

ARGHHHHHHH!!!!

So...umm...yeah...it finally dawned on me today...

I've been sick to my stomach & cramping, etc for several days now. Feeling *odd*...like nervous, anxious, skittish...like I have fucken ADD...times 10! All I wanna do is sleep! Went to bed at 9:30 pm last night...10:30 night before then! Eating whatever I can get my hands on (diet has flown out the window!!). I can't sit still for shit.

And it dawned on me...I haven't had a cigarette in 5 or 6 days...DUH!!! *sighs* Then the light came on...haha...withdrawals...detoxing...ughhhhhh!!! :/ It's nowhere as near as bad as the last time...which, ironically enough, was almost exactly 2 yrs ago (Sep will be 2 yrs). But, I also had Tanya, Sean & Coop around so I didn't spaz out as much. The cravings aren't as intense but the munchies are HELLA worse!! I just really wanna sleep til I get over this hump...really!! :/ I may try to dope up so I'm in & out of consciousness tonight, tomorrow & tomorrow night...*sighs* I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin right now...but even that isn't as bad as it was 2 yrs ago! lol *shrugs*

Cindy is gonna be gone most of next week, I think. Her & Claire are sposed to fly out tomorrow. She paid me her portion of the insurance premium the other day so I've got my phone bill covered...YAY!!! *whew* But...I may hafta borrow some cash before payday...if these munchies keep up like they have been...*SIGHS*...OMG...this is getting ridiculous & needs to be over SOON!! :/

ACK!!

Yesterday...sheesh...I already had a *DAY* before I even got to work!! Bleh...

I'd gone to bed at midnight as per usual. I was still awake at 1 am. Bastian started playing & woke me around 2ish & played til I got up at 6! By 8, I could barely keep my eyes open so I texted Cindy & Kelli about going in at noon. Then I napped til 11.

When I got up, I decided to call Blue Cross, Blue Shield. They've been calling for "more information" for a few days now. So I called. They're wanting actual blood test numbers from when I was diagnosed with anemia last year! They tried calling the dr but the line was busy. So now I hafta call them & get the numbers & call BCBS back! FFS!! I'd forgotten why I've never bothered with insurance too often in the past. It's all BS...

After BCBS, I called T-Mobile. Fuck me! Long story short...I can not do anything & let the auto pay try to take my payment as usual & get a $35 insufficient funds fee & phone deactivated til it's paid (& that's not counting the $29 insufficient funds fee from BOA!)...OR...I can deactivate the auto pay for a fee of $5, phone deactivated til I pay them & pay a $35 reactivation fee!! Umm...RIGHT!! Soooo...I'm taking the money I had stashed to pay my car license renewal (due Sept 12) to the bank this morning to deposit so it'll be there when T-Mobile's auto pay hits this weekend. *sighs*

THEN...I went to work!! hahaha ;-p Actually...work was fine. Amanda was in Room 4 with me. She finished up the series wall & is starting to work the shelves from the end. We'll meet in the middle somewhere...lol.

About the time I got home, I started getting texts from Ben. LOL!! He was saying I was gonna get more treats than tricks this year (referring to Jen coming here for Halloween!) haha Then Kat came on Yahoo for a minute before she went to text. I swear...the 2 of them were ON something!! *laughs* ;-p I asked her if she was drunk...*chuckles* She's pretty adamant that I'm coming to visit them. Me...I'm still in the "it's a slight possibility" stage...lol...*shrugs*

Got on cam for the 1st time with Jen! ;-p I *HATE* being on cam...gah!! But it's whatever! ;-p

Amanda texted & said she needed to leave early today so I needed to close with Stacy...lol. Oh, well. Book club meeting tomorrow night. Haven't read the book & I have no idea what I'm taking (food-wise). Meh...life is beginning to crowd me a little bit at the moment... :/

Oh Boy...lol

Work today was FINE!!! And it was just me & Kelli. It wasn't nuts but stayed busy. We couldn't wait til 4 pm! lol Cindy came in 1st thing this morning for a while. She pissed me off as she walked in the door, spouting off about processing that needed to be done. I basically ignored her the rest of the time she was there...

We go back to regular hours on Monday. Looks like I may be able to regularly go in at 9 & get off at 5! :D

Now for the REAL news!!! hahaha Umm...I think Jen & I have basically decided she's coming here for a visit for Halloween. :-) Nothing is set in stone, of course...but we're already planning!! ;-) La de da...*giggles*

Just Back the F**K Off!!

O. M. G. Talk about days from HELL! *sighs*

Ok, 1st...I woke up from an extremely bizarre dream at 2:30 am. I don't even remember most of it now except bits & pieces & remembering that it absolutely made no sense! lol Ok, 1st of all, I *rarely* dream!! Out of those exceptions, almost NONE of them are ever weird in any way! hahaha Anyway...Bastian realized I was awake & proceeded to play until I actually got up at 6 am! *sighs* I never really went back to sleep. :/ So, by the time I got to work at 9:45, I was already not at peak level!

I walked in the door & all hell was breaking loose!! Apparently, Cindy came to work with a stick up her ass a mile long!!! Ok, let's get some background info here for a moment: Yesterday...Cindy was off. We sent Stacy home cuz she was freaking death warmed over! Amanda was working in the garage (this is where we keep all of our back up excess), organizing the wall where the hardbacks are kept cuz you couldn't get to anything the way it was without hurting yourself! That left me & Kelli on counter. Ok. The DAY itself was fucken ridiculous!!! No, we didn't have a lot of sales. But the phone rang nonstop, people were in & out of the store, had us running around looking for shit & then didn't buy, it was a "dump day" (meaning--people bring shitloads of books in & donate or trade in), we got an order in (not a regular one but a school order plus some special orders AND some magazines). Kelli & I had equal time on the registers & phone & dealing with customers. We both did parts of checking in the order. We both dealt with the dumps...even Amanda got involved in one of the big ones (multiple boxes of books---we had TWO of these at the same fucken time!) I processed all of the paperbacks we got in. Kelli was pricing hardbacks as much as she could in between the other 400 things going on. Our work table was literally PILED with hardbacks & trades this morning that we didn't get a chance to get to. Cindy walked in & saw this & IMMEDIATELY went into a tirade about "nothing got done yesterday"!!! WTF?!?! Amanda had already holed herself in the garage by the time I got there & Stacy was just giving me the "looks". When Kelli got there, Cindy tore into her. I was in the garage with Amanda when Kelli came back there...her 1st words..."What the HELL?!?!" Yeah...so Amanda decided maybe I should say something to Cindy...so up I went. Told her, FLAT OUT...the day was fucken ridiculous & we busted our asses alllll day! It's not like we were sitting around having a party...FFS! I'm still knee-deep in this Room 4 project but since she was having a freaking cow, I asked Cindy if she wanted me to help process the hardbacks & trades to get them out. Her response was some snide/sarcastic comment about how we just need to process the crap that's piled around & quit pulling shit from everywhere else (referring to the multiple projects going on in the store at the moment). That just went all over me!! I can't fucken do MY JOB in room 4 without pulling!! I was over it at that point, took my shit & went to room 4 to do my job that I know how to do & she hasn't got a fucken clue!!

Cindy has had the store for almost a year now & she STILL refuses to listen to us, trust us, be AWARE that WE know what the fuck we're doing....when she doesn't! It's gotten extremely old & over abused. We're all just about over it, her AND the store!! She's gonna be up a creek if/when we all walk...she needs to just back the fuck off & let us do this...

The tension was sooooo thick all damn day that you could cut it with a knife! That's NOT an environment that I enjoy!! I was pissed off all day & hurt like hell. I carry my stress in my neck & shoulders (where I got hurt in the car accident)...so it makes for NOT fun times when I get upset like that. *sighs*

And I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow either. It's just me & Kelli. Cindy has a skydive thing to do. Stacy has her cousin's wedding to go to. And Amanda has the boys. Come THE FUCK ON Saturday @ 4 pm!!! *sighs* I'm done...with this week....already! :/

Back on Counter!

*sighs* Cindy, Amanda & now Stacy have been passing around a cold! UGH! Today was Stacy's day to call in. I told Cindy if they get me sick, I'm killing all of em! lol I don't wanna be sick!! She laughed & said that'd be ok cuz I'd be putting them outta their misery! *snorts* Shit!! Well, that just won't work!! haha Amanda was late today, taking Dylan to school to get her locker & stuff & then running around doing stuff for her mom. By the time she got there, we had lunch & then the order came in! By the time that was all taken care of, it was 2:30 & then too late to go do anything in room 4. *sighs* I hate the fucken counter. Really I do...

2 weeks ago, Cindy sent me home with a stack of erotica advances she wants me to read so we can decide if we should order them or not. I haven't had time to even look at them!! But...she was asking about them again today so I'm gonna try to start one here in a minute. *sighs* I've only got 1 chapter of my book club book read & we meet next Wed! Crap. lol *sighs* I need to win lotto!!! Dammit...

Everyone at work keeps randomly asking when I'm gonna let Jen come down here. *laughs* I dunno! ;-p Not sure I'll ever truly be ready for that to happen...it'll just hafta happen & I'll be forced to deal with it. But that's not a good scenario either so I really have no clue...

Ok...off to read erotica...yay...*snorts*

Oops...

Completely lazy day!!! lol Oopsies! ;-p

Didn't go to sleep til sometime after 8 am...haha...so I didn't get up til 3 pm! Didn't attempt laundry cuz it was so late. :/ I can make it til Sunday! ;-p

Sooo...SL, last night after Jen got home from work was...uhh...interesting! ;-p Her ex is lashing out at her. She'd gone to the studio earlier & took down pics of me & Jen & replaced them with pics of her & Jen! That set Jen off!! She's been trusting her not to do anything stupid & has still been trying to remain friends with her--which I knew about! Cierra showed up at the studio during the quick staff meeting Jen called to explain to the others about rights being revoked. I thought I was gonna faint when she showed up! It's the 1st time I've seen her since Jen & I hooked up (not counting that 1st night! LMAO) She didn't stay long! *smirks* After that intensity, Jen & I invaded Lily's house! lol OMG...this girl has me so completely outta my comfort zone sometimes! ;-p When we finally got back home, I noticed that Cierra had been at the house!!! :/ Jen fixed it but...still! :/ After all of this, I think it finally dawned on Jen that she never had a reason to worry about Kat! Which, is very refreshing!! Takes a LOT of stress off of me! :D She was shocked that I was still with her after all of this. Meh. It's not that amazing really! :/

I've been...hmm..."trained"...to be on the sidelines! Not that that is a good thing at all! Let's see...everything that was ever shared with Lou was done on the sly cuz Polly (her RL wife AND my chain sister in SL) was *always* around! With Lee...I always took a back seat to every Tom, Dick & Harry in SL!!! And with Kathy...Becca was always the most important. She never even told her when I was staying with her! And...*obviously*...she's STILL has not told her anything cuz Becca messaged me the other night in SL!! lolol Geez...that was weird! ;-p But it's been Kat who transformed how I react to being in that situation. :/ I was always #692 on the list of things she needed to do...regardless! From day 1, I've always been petrified of Ben. I *KNEW* that he had all the power...always. And I was right, of course!! :/ When she went & messed around with Spektro...I fought tooth & nail for her!!! I won, in the end. But, really...did I?! *sighs* Then...well...Andy happened. I'm really not gonna go into all of that or my feelings about it but...all of a sudden, Ben & I were in the same boat. Except, at this point, I was already resigned to my place. It hurts but I know how to deal with it now.

I simply don't fight for it anymore. And I told Jen that. If she wants to go back to Cierra, she's free to go. My feelings have NEVER mattered in these issues & after 3 years...I've learned how to get past it. I let them go & do what they've gotta do. If they come back, so be it. If not...it's whatever! I guess the bottom line is...I don't make anyone my everything anymore...when all I am is an option. I learned that the hard way. :/

It's funny...I keep discovering new ways in which I've changed over the last year & a half. When will it ever stop?? lolol *shrugs*

Back To *Normal*...

Well, the remnants of last week are slowly dissipating. Thank Gawd!! Jen & I had a 5 hr...erm..."discussion" Saturday night. :/ That was super annoying! I swear to Gawd...neither Kat nor I can have a relationship that *doesn't*, in some way, mirror what we had! WTF?! She gets the same reactions she used to get from me & me...well, hell...I've turned into HER! *sighs*

So Jen & I are ok. We're back to normal, pretty much. :-) Much, much better this way! lol But, if you know me, then you know...that now that I know what's possible...I'm now waiting for it to happen again! :/ *sighs*

Kat has been keeping her issues to herself lately. :/ I dunno if that's good or bad really. Bad cuz I haven't a clue what's going on. Good cuz...well...I dunno a good reason. Though she did call me last night to tell me they bought a BMW. *snorts heavily & laughs* Yep...just MORE affirmation than what she gave me last week that I'm so way outta their league...heh! ;-p But...it's ok. I'm not dreaming of being in their league anymore. I took off the rose colored glasses a long time ago. I just still need her to be a part of my life regardless...

Haven't heard from Ben in days. Heh. Knew that was gonna happen! ;-p

After over a week being stuck on the counter, I *finally* got to go back to Room 4 today. Yay (sarcasm). *sighs* I've so completely lost ALL of my motivation for that project! :/ Or maybe I was just tired today? Dunno...

The diet...is actually working. *shock* But I still dunno if I can stick with it...meh!

I signed up for the health insurance at work & the premiums have already come out of my account. Erm...I didn't think that through well enough!! :-( I have 3 weeks to go before I get paid again & I have less than $40!! Crap. Gonna hafta do some major juggling...& phone bill won't get paid this month...ack!! 1st time in almost 2 yrs!! *SIGHS* Rent & car were paid on the 1st so I'm good really...just won't have a phone, I guess...til after the 1st. lol Shit...I need to win lotto!!! :/

Yay...

No drama allllllll day long! YAY!! :D Hopefully it's over now...*ponders*. Got nothing else accomplished today though! lol Now I'm ready for bed. ;-p

I think this is the last week of our summer hours at work. *pouts* I'm so not ready to be there til 6 everyday again! :/ 5 was really nice!! lolol Geezus...this summer went by FAST!! :-( But...honestly...I'm ready for cooler weather...though we won't get that til December probably. :/

FFS...!!!

Guess the drama isn't over after all!!! *sighs* Whatever. I can't deal with it. Peace out...

UGH...

Ok...well...it's been too long to play catch up but let's just say...UGHHHHHH!!!! :/ I'm so over it. :/ The drama. The emotions involved. And that's just with Jen, Sara & Ben!! I'm not even touching work!!! ;-p But...it seems things might be trying to calm down a bit now...THANK GAWD!!! *sighs* I've been going to bed super early last few nights cuz of it. I just have gotten to the point where I'd really rather not deal with it at all. :/

I've given up (momentarily) trying to quit smoking right now, too. Too much stress to attempt doing that. :/

On a lighter note (no pun intended)...I *officially* started the new diet yesterday. Meh. It's whatever. We'll see what happens...

YAY!!! Weekend!! Soooo ready for a day off! :/ Then I'm off on Tuesday, too. No plans for tomorrow really. Tuesday will be laundry. lol

Kat~n~kit

Heh...soooo..."Kat" & "kit" may be back. We stopped using those nicks a long time ago. Even though...Sara has never been anything but Kat to me! In my mind, it's what I think of...whether or not I actually refer to her as that or not. And any time she'd slip & call me kit...would just kill me! *sighs* I have to consciously THINK to call her Sara. It's a huge effort. lol But...she wants to go back to them. So, of course, I will. I just...*sighs*...I don't want it to allow me to be blind again & perhaps get blindsided. So I'll still hafta control it somewhat...after all, the names come from *that* place which renders me uber vulnerable...bleh...*sighs*...just wait & see, I suppose.

Nixon is visiting. Yay. Couple weeks early so he's kicking my ass. :/ So I knew I wouldn't be able to work on the Room 4 project today or I'd pass out. Stayed on counter instead. They're all marking the calendar that I VOLUNTEERED to do the counter...ROFL!!! ;-p Meh...whateva, beeyotches!! *snickers* But...it was super slow all morning so Cindy let me leave at 2. FB is now caught up, meds are kicking in & my ass is gonna SLEEP!! haha Peace out, ya'll! ;-p I'm off tomorrow so I don't even care how my patterns get messed up. I just wanna sleep til this passes...haha

DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so the whole weekend was drama!! :/ I fucken *HATE* drama!! And the last time I had drama was with Lee (she was ALWAYS drama!). I haven't missed it in the least!

So what was the cause? Meh. *sighs* Jen got freaked out about Sara. And Ben & Sara freaked me out! LOL But...that's neither here nor there really. One day at a time. Just...take it all...one day at a time. Keep telling myself that. Because...no matter what...I'm smarter this time! I think...lol! ;-p Even though I feel like I'm *home* again with talking to the both of them, Jen is the other side of that pendulum. She's not ready to be in love. Neither am I. And that's ok...isn't it?! Best of both worlds here in my hands & I haven't got a fucken clue as to what to do with it...hahaha! Sheesh! :/

SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMFG...shit, shit, shit! Yeah...umm...SHIT just about covers it!! o.0 That's pretty much all I've got to say...heh...oh, except maybe...FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! *sighs*

On a higher note...maybe I found the incentive to really quit smoking now...o.0. Meh...we'll see...

It's 6:30 am & I'm about to go to bed. Been in SL with Jen all night. Of course. lol I have GOT to do chores tomorrow (erm...TODAY!)! My brain is in overdrive. *sighs* I'll worry about chores later... :/

Telephone!! :D

Heh...sooo...when Jen got home last night, she called me! ;-p Was our 1st phone convo! haha 3 weeks!! LMAO. It took me MONTHS to talk to Sara on the phone! But I've already been listening to Jen's voice...hehehehe...when she djs, she goes on air sometimes. :D Was the 1st she'd heard me though. ROFL!!! And what did she comment on?! My fucken giggle...OMG!! *dies* I *hate* my voice & my stupid laugh...but everyone seems to like it...WTF?! lolol *shrugs* We got off the phone when it was time for her gig in SL & I ran to the store for smokes. *sighs* Yeah...I just can't kick the habit at home yet! Bleh. When I got back...I went into SL for her gig. Sara was in SL! That was...umm...weird...heh! ;-p A simple convo going on, but...STILL...weird!! *sighs* Of course, *any* time I talk to her, it's weird. Whateva! I want the friendship where the pain doesn't always constantly linger. I'm realizing more & more that it doesn't really matter how much you care about someone, sometimes love just isn't enough to fix the hurt! It will always sorta be there, in the background somewhere. It's getting easier though...

So I stayed up with Jen til 7 am. LMAO! ;-p Then slept til 2 pm. LOL I'd been up for 26.5 hrs! *snorts* ;-p Has anything gotten accomplished today?! Hell no!! LOLOL And I want a nap now! haha

Long Weekend?! lol

Well, today was pretty much the day from Hell! lol I mean...no, not really but...sheesh! ;-p

Started out with Bastian waking me up by attacking my feet under the covers at 4:30 am! Seriously?! OMG what I wouldn't give to have a closet sometimes!! LMAO!! :D

At work, we were ALL out of it & moody...*snorts* Stacy was...I dunno what her problem was!! I think she just didn't want to be there PERIOD! Ugh. Reminded us of what she was like when she was going to school...which is coming up again in August...*sighs*. I stayed on counter most of the day. But it was my choice this time. There was WAY too much processing that needed to be done...& if I'd left it...it wouldn't have gotten done. :/ Towards the end of the day, Cindy offered to let me take tomorrow off. haha Don't really hafta tell me twice!! ;-p It bothers her that I don't get Saturdays off like everyone else does. *chuckles* It bothers me somewhat, too...but I really don't like them off cuz it makes for a super long week! Bleh! :/ Whatever...I'm too tired to pass it up right now! LOLOL But, of course, the stipulation for me having it off is that I SLEEP!! hahahaha I look like death warmed over most days now! *snickers* OH!! And Cindy gave me homework...*snorts*! She gave me several erotica advanced readers copies to go through & see if they'll be worth ordering or not. haha I'm to read them to Jen! *dies laughing* Yeah...NOT!!! hahahaha

After work, I made a Wal-Mart run. Have I mentioned how much I *HATE* Wal-Mart?!?! OMG...ok, well...now it's WORSE!!! FFS!!!!! They've started renovating the store & moving shit!!! Can't find anything now! And there's crap in the way everywhere! Grrr! But I got a George Foreman grill to cook the meats for this new diet I'm about to start. Not going into that much til I see if it's even gonna work (cuz nothing EVER has before!) Got a new floor-length mirror to replace the one Sebastian broke a while back.

I've got several chores to do since I have this long weekend now! lol Not that they'll get done! *smirks* We'll see... ;-p I've gotta run to Publix tomorrow to get food (for this diet thing).

You know...I always knew that being someone's "dirty little secret" sucked ass. But it's only NOW that I truly understand just how MUCH it sucked!! Jen doesn't hide much of anything. And it's incredibly refreshing... ;-)

Uhhh...

It's happening again. I'm slipping on my blog duties. That happens when I'm...content. Heh. *shrugs* I don't even really remember where I left off here (guess I shoulda looked, huh? lol)

Work has been...work. Couple weeks into the Room 4 project & I'm starting to hurt now (like I did with the Room 3 project). :/ But it's whatever. It's my life. lol

Speaking of work, today was a fluke! lol I just happened to get there at 8:45 cuz I left early to go get gas 1st. GOOD THING!! Nobody was there to open! Oops! lol We weren't sure what was up with Amanda (cuz she's been out last couple of days due to her mom being in the hospital with a couple minor strokes). Kelli was off & Cindy was going to this book binding class. Heh! Stacy got there at 9. Amanda showed up at 10. Lori got there...sometime...I dunno when. She doesn't make a difference on the counter so I never pay attention to her. Savannah came in, too, sometime in the afternoon. Cindy got back about 2:45 from the class. She'd come in around 9 to get some books to take with her to this class so when she got back, she let me & Stacy leave at 4. :-)

Stacy was pretty much freaked out all day!! :/ She ended up taking half of a Xanax--then she got loopy! Apparently, Friday night through Saturday night, her friend, Dana (he does most of the sound work at DaVinci's when live bands are playing) had a series of minor heart attacks. He was admitted to the hospital & yesterday, as they were doing a heart cath, he had another one! So...7:30 am this morning, he was undergoing quadruple by-pass. Everyone is just kinda sitting on pins & needles, waiting to see if he's gonna be ok. It's scary. He's only 50. But he's been lucky so far...I mean, he's STILL HERE!! Daddy had one major heart attack & was gone within hours. :-( Soooo...there is a plus in all of this!

Angel contacted me last night. It's been...WEEKS...since I've sat & talked with her! lol I've been...uhh...otherwise engaged! *snickers* ;-p She's all drama, all the time!! I think that's a really big reason why I was never attracted to her. But...listening to her last night...it dawned on me. I don't think I even *want* a poly lifestyle!!!! I mean...*sighs*...I had opened myself to the idea for Sara. And that worked out just wonderfully!! *snorts* But...I *like* just one other significant other. It's less drama & less stress!! Angel & her...*counts*...9 OTHERS...no lie...OMFG!! I can't keep up with them all. Gives me a headache just listening to her!! I guess, the bottom line is...I want to be *special* & I want someone to be *special* to me...not just another that has to be split between however many others there are. :/ I don't care what you say...when you divide your time & energy so many times, something gets lost along the way. It just DOES! Law of Physics...or some such shit. And, quite frankly, I've had ENOUGH of being 1/38 of what's important to someone else. It's not fun & it's certainly not rewarding! :-(

Off tomorrow. Gotta do laundry. I need to make some shopping lists---can't do shopping cuz I don't get paid til Friday...lol. Uhh...not sure there's really anything else that needs to be done! I need to start reading my book club book for this month.

Heh...the smoking thing. Yeah, umm...I've not actually gone a day without them yet. I have a few a day. I can get through work without them but when I get home...bleh!! I think it's the boredom factor. I'm not so much craving them...I just am wanting something to *do*. :/ I dunno...maybe I won't buy another pack & just suffer through the boredom...ughhh...I need to win lotto, dammit!!!!!

Moving Right Along...

I opened yesterday morning. Amanda was supposed to open with me but she overslept...lol! ;-p It was just me, Manda & Cindy yesterday (& Lori) but Cindy was gone most of the day. It was busy!! And WEIRD people!! lol Ugh...I've never been soooo happy to see 4 pm in my life!! HAHA When Manda & I left, Cindy still had prolly 10 people in the store! We just didn't care--we were both OVER it...haha.

Got home & chatted with Jen for a bit. Then I took a nap. 1) cuz I've not slept much all week & 2) I knew I'd be up all night with Jen! ;-) Slept about 3+ hours. I was up at 9:15 pm. Jen asked me to move in with her in SL...*giggles*. I just didn't realize she meant TONIGHT! haha While we'd been chatting, she was off buying land in SL. After I woke from my nap & got food...I went into SL for the night. The house is freaking AMAZING!!! :D She carried me over the threshold...*laughs*. That was too funny! ;-) She was djing last night & just before she was to go on, Lily came over to see the house...AND to have a chat with me! *snorts* She was too cute about that!! :D But...I hafta say...it made me feel REALLY good!! And...it helped me believe a little more about what's happening here. *grins*

I went to sleep around 7 am. lol Bastian had me up at 10 though. *sighs* I REALLY *need* to do chores (dishes, kitty litter, clean the bathroom, vacuum) but...ughhhh...I'm already wanting a nap now, at noon! lol And I've got a crapload of emails that I need to read through so I can figure some things out...haha. They've been sitting in my inbox for so long already! *chuckles* Nap...nap...responsibilities...NAP!! hehehehehe ;-p Jen will be up later & then I'll be totally screwed! *snorts* Nothing ever gets accomplished when she's around! *grins* Mom called a bit ago & asked me to come over for dinner tonight. Yeah...I don't like going over there when I hafta work the next day. I don't get home til 9 or so! :/ I dunno...we'll see. lol

*goes off to take a nap now*

State of Confusion...

Sara contacted me again last night. *drifts into thought* She has successfully pitched me into a state of confusion, deliriousness, wonder & questions aplenty!!! The part of me that is still *attached* to her...wants to think it was all true. But if it is, what does that even mean?? I can't speculate. That's what got us all in the mess to begin with!!! I'll take one day at a time...like I've done the last year & a half.

I was talking to Jen at the same time last night. She was not happy. :/ Everything that she said was valid & true!! And I'm well aware of it all. I just...this is a *force* that has no rhyme or reason to it & it's ALWAYS been that way!! *sighs* I don't know how else to describe it. And nobody ever gave me instructions on how to handle it. LOGICALLY...I know...I know...but logic doesn't apply here! :/ But I think the important thing here is that...Jen isn't in any kind of danger. I'm not going anywhere!! She makes me too happy for that to happen. I haven't been this happy in an extremely long time--I missed it too fucken much just to give it up on a whim! I'm treading softly between my rock & hard place. Nothing will happen overnight. And I'm smarter THIS time!! The only thing that will sway me at this point is ACTIONS!! Words simply don't cut it anymore...I've heard them all before...& look where it got me. :/ Sooo...time will tell. I'm not making any guesses or promises.

But what this situation does is make me *think*! Truly think about polyamory. Never in my life have I thought of myself as a possible candidate for poly until I was put into the situation! And though I've not truly experienced it yet...I'm open to the IDEA of it. Under certain circumstances!! For a long time now, this has been my stance on it. But I knew I'd have to experience it 1st before I truly know. But here's the thing...now...right now...what's rushing around in my head is...can it be true?? Can I really be wired this way?! Because...I am *stuck* between a rock & a hard place right NOW. Between someone I have loved utterly & completely for years ... and ... someone who IS everything I always *thought* I wanted in a partner!! I can't foresee the future with Jen so all of this may be a bit premature. But I like to mentally prepare for this kind of shit so that it doesn't entirely knock me for a loop when it happens! ;-p Anyway...back to my thoughts...what if...what if I don't have to CHOOSE?! Because as it stands, right here at this very moment...I CAN'T give my heart to Jen...no matter how much I WANT to! The rest of me is totally ready & willing & enjoying every second of it!!!! The heart is dragging it's feet. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about that...other than to let it branch off in different directions when it needs to...*ponders*

So I think Jen was a bit worried last night. :/ She doesn't need to be!! But...still. I think she was & it prompted her to create something for me! :D I got it this morning. And, yes, it made me cry. For more than one reason! Heh. ;-) She truly is ME...ahahahaha!! This is the kinda shit I used to do! *laughs* I was HER...once upon a time. It's scary sometimes to see it coming back at me now...*laughs*. But, most of all, she makes me *remember* what it was like to be that person...& that makes me smile! :D

On the Edge...

Today...has SUCKED MY ASS!!!!!! Mostly.

I went to bed on time last night...heh. Not that it made much of a difference! I slept more than I did the night before but still didn't sleep well. Sebastian woke me about 4 different times, I think. :/

Worked in Room 4 again today. Sara called me. Then texted me to answer so she could talk. Told her I was at work...so the texts started. Started out fine. I was a little...WTF?!...but I was willing to do whatever she needed. Even offered to leave work for a few minutes so I could do this for her! Soon as I sent that offer, she texted me back with all this BS about how I'm always nasty to her, she's not good enough to be considered a friend, that I take every opportunity to hurt her back. Blah, blah, blah. All I heard out of her was..."Me, me, me!!" Are you fucken kidding me?!?! I think she's lost her fucken mind!!! FIRST OF ALL, you don't ask someone for a favor & then jump down their throat!!! I spent the rest of the afternoon contemplating on even doing what she asked!! Just because of *this*. Secondly, this is MY blog!!!! HELLO?! That means it's about *me*...Other people who affect ME will be discussed but it's not about them...it's about ME!!! Get a fucken clue & get over yourself already. Wow. I don't write in MY blog to benefit her or even stab at her. I write in MY blog about my thoughts & feelings. Seriously?! That totally blew my mind!! She apologized for it, saying she'd had a rough morning. Really?? And I CARE why when I've had a rough year & a half!!!! I care even less because of the way it all went down. I did her fucken favor. I shouldn't have!! She doesn't deserve it, at this point. But it has never ever been my intention to purposefully try to hurt her! My only intention has been trying to survive this hell she has put me through. I should've just left everything the way it was...to finally make her accusations correct. After all, she made her bed...it's about time she figures out how to lay in it...

All of this being said...the reason behind it is that, apparently, Ben has been snooping my blog. Surprise, surprise. He'd crawl up her fucken asshole, if he could! Pathetic piece of shit!! So here's a shout out to you, Ben, when you snoop again: GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU USELESS BOIL ON THE ASS OF HUMANITY!!! And, no, Sara...I will NOT ever edit this right here! He fucked up MY world. He fucked you up, as well. Cuz you act JUST like him sometimes! You deal with him...I am NOT a part of this in any form or fashion!! This has absolutely NOTHING to do with me whatsoever but, yet...I have to censor MY BLOG for him...& you...??? No. I did it once. Never again...

Needless to say, this drama...put me in quite the foul mood. *SIGHS* But then...Jen woke up & started texting me & all was right with the world again. :-) Sorta. Meh. :/ I'm still irritated as hell! *sighs* But Jen nailed it..her response to a slight description of the morning's drama..."she's a dumb non-deserving cunt". ;-p AHAHAHA!! Stacy whole-heartedly agreed! *smirks* Yes, she got to me. She hurt me. She pissed me off. But...now...I'm OVER it! I blogged about it...in MY blog...cuz...fuck me!! THAT'S WHAT IT'S HERE FOR!! o.0

Ehhh...changing the subject...today is my last day of being able to smoke (mebbies!) Err...well, we'll see what happens anyway! ;-p I may hafta start drinking more...hahaha...so I can live up to that accusation, as well! *snorts* WTFever...dude! *rolls eyes*

I was taking flats of excess into the garage just before closing when I tripped over some empty boxes Savannah left in the middle of the floor...successfully knocking over a stack of boxes that were on the cart! FUCK!!! That HURT!! :-( So I left at 4:45 cuz I was just *totally* over this day all together!! That was the last straw for me...

A Jumble...

### = edited by request

################################################################### I have NO problem being her friend. I have EVEN LESS of a problem being her acquaintance. She's the one that can't manage it, apparently. *shrugs* Whatever.

Was up til 1 am last night with Jen. lol Yeah, I know better! haha But...*chuckles*. I was still awake after 2 am. 3:30...Bastian decided it was time to play! He was playing again at 5 so I just got up. :/ I'd already resigned myself to the fact I'd be stuck on counter today since Amanda & Stacy were both off. But Kelli surprised me...she let me go back to my Room 4 Project instead & her & Cindy handled the front all day. Which is good...cuz I *hate* being on the counter on a GOOD day, nevermind running on zero sleep! ;-p

I've seen this in action a few times before today but today it became REALLY apparent!! LMAO!!! Jen has me beat on the ability to remember details! ;-p I've always been able to remember the stupidest details about shit. I used to drive Sara crazy with that cuz she can't remember SHIT about *anything*! hahaha It annoyed me greatly, too. Heh. Well...little Miss Jen...is remembering details that...I have been totally slacking on! *snorts* I mean...I'm not forgetting anything but...dayam...hahaha...she's got the details DOWN! ;-p It's funny as hell. Truly it is. I'm *SO* getting my Karma Payback with her! *giggles*

I left work a few minutes before 5. Ran by Publix to get chips & dip for the book club meeting tonight. Came home for about an hour. I didn't want to leave again. Just wanted to curl up & snooze! hehehe But I went. Food was good. We had very little book discussion! Not that I read last month's selections anyway! Both were parts of series that I'm not up to date on. When the discussion turned to politics & the healthcare system...I was outta there! I don't DO politics, in ANY fashion...nevermind when I'm getting dirty texts from Jen & all I wanna do is curl up & sleep! *laughs* She's at work tonight. ;-) Shit...I dunno if I'm even still gonna be awake when she gets home. :/ But I'm gonna give it a shot...

Partners!!

Sooooo...last night was...*awesomely amazing*!! Heh. :-) I didn't go to bed til 7 am this morning--up with Jen all night! Got up at 2:15 & am now doing laundry! Bleh. Dunno that anything else will get done today...haha. ;-p

I took about an hour nap last night when I got home from work cuz I knew...I KNEW that I'd most likely be up all night. *grins* 1st, they were throwing a birthday party for her friend, Lily in SL. So we started off with that. Jen asked me to partner with her right after I got in! Heh. I won't go into details but..."partnering" in there was always...hmmm...*special* to me! :D After Lily's party at the house, Jen had to DJ so we went there til after 2 am. Then...we had about 4 hours just to ourselves!! *grins*

Jen is...wow. Heh. Hmmm. She is breaking through all of my walls. Slowly. Being with her is showing me how things are *supposed* to be in a relationship! Being with her is also showing me just how MUCH of my true self I had to bury & ignore being with Sara (because those things didn't matter to her). I have been numb & totally void of all emotions for about a year or so now & these emotions are now bubbling back up to the top with Jen. It's painful. :/ I'd gotten so used to not feeling anything!! *sighs* But, I guess, all change is like that...you can't grow without growing pains. Meh. I was crying this morning, talking with Jen. Crying because I'm realizing how much of *ME* has been dead for so long. And how incredibly stupid I've been to give my love to someone who doesn't appreciate it in the least! *sighs* She can't even fucken manage a friendship!! You'd think I'd realize that by now & QUIT waiting for her! So...now...I truly have. If she wants to chat, she'll be able to find me. But I'm gonna go back to being me & being me with someone who appreciates it! I am still fighting my heart to not FALL for Jen just yet. But it's coming!! She's gotta remove a few more bricks from the wall 1st but...it's there...

It's *OFFICIAL*!!

hahaha Soooo...yeah...Jen got home from work last night & we hung out. ;-) Made it *OFFICIAL*...ha! ;-) We're now girlfriends. Even have her tagged on my FB relationship status! Hmmm...funny...I was a little concerned about that but, so far...there's been ZERO fallout from me putting her there! But...I've really gotten to the point in my life now where...if someone has a problem with it...they can just fuck off! This is *my* life...I don't need anyone's approval! Angel though...is a little upset about it. *sighs* I like her well enough as a friend but she can be really annoying & well...I simply was never attracted to her at all! :/ I stayed up with Jen til 5:30 am, took 1 of the muscle relaxers that Manda gave me. Just as I was getting ready to pass out, it was Bastian's playtime so I didn't actually get to sleep til sometime after 6! lol

Got up at 1:45 pm...*smirks* I slept. I mean *really* slept (better than normal night's sleep) but I don't think the muscle relaxer did anything for me besides that. I was hurting when I got up. :/

I have GOT to do dishes!! Now would be the time to do it. I have to get up 1st though...lol. ;-p Thunderboomers are getting ready to start. Same time, different day...welcome to FL!! haha

7/14...

So...umm...yeah...it's 7/14, by the way!! o.0 It turned out to be not such a big deal this year. *shrugs* I didn't realize the date til I'd been at work for a bit. The date dawned on me a couple of times after that, too...again...no big deal. Just a flash of memory & then it was gone again. I'm only blogging about it cuz...I'd already built it up to be like the last 2 anniversaries were...complete torture!! :/

Mom showed up at the store this afternoon. Brought Bastian this little yellow duckie that quacks by motion sensory! haha She didn't tell me she was coming & I was just working away in Sci Fi. I'd just grabbed a stack of hardbacks to move & around the corner, a paperback fell on the floor. I looked at it quizzically for a moment & then went to put my hardbacks away. As I was doing that, another paperback flew off the shelf just around the corner form me & that's when I thought I had ghosts!! LOL Then she comes around the corner, laughing! ;-p Damn duckie is already annoying me!! Quacked all the way home & Bastian hasn't even gotten to see it yet! LOL I'll give it to him later & video it. :-)

Got off of work & went over to Amanda's. She gave me some muscle relaxers (we'll just see if they happen to help any!) & we had "coffee"...lol. "Coffee" is the slang term used in our group for pot. ;-p My 2nd time doing it. Still not a big deal but made me EFFIN sleepy, dude!! hahahaha I'm ok now though (sorta)...now I'm just bored! *smirks* 1st night that Jen has had to go to work since we hooked up...& I'm bored!! hahahahaha That's just funny. I've been complaining about how I've not been able to get ANYTHING accomplished...hehehe...cuz of hanging out with her every night! lol I'm gonna watch a movie, I think. Maybe I should nap?! She's gonna wanna be up all night cuz I'm off tomorrow...haha.

How'd THAT Happen?!?! o.0

Ok, so yesterday pretty much sucked. And the 14th is holding the promise of sucking. EXCEPT...hahaha...something has *happened*. ;-p

Last night, about 7:30 pm, I got an email notice from the Studio (SL) in email. Jen was calling for a staff meeting at 9. Since it wasn't supposed to last long...I figured...what the hell!! So I went. Once it was over though...*laughs*...I was getting ready to leave & Jen started making the moves on me! WTF?!?! hahahahaha We've been FB friends for months & months now & never been anything more than joking around. *snorts* To say I was shocked...would be an understatement! hahaha But, for whatever reason...I played along with her. ;-) But...me thinks...she may not be *playing*! Come to find out, she orchestrated the whole meeting to get me inworld! haha She's been trying to come up with a plan for a couple of weeks now...*smirks* I...uhh...kinda got a girlfriend at this point...*laughs*. OMG...she's ME!! Erm...rather she's the ME that I *used* to be! :/ I dunno what this is but...I'm just gonna let it play itself out. We played in Yahoo this morning before I went to work. When I got home, I went in SL with her for several hours. *chuckles* I'm still listening to her personal stream (she DJs inworld, too). :-) This is fun. I *remember* this...feeling. Heh. Though it's not as intense as it *should* be...part of my whole numb/lack of feelings I've been dealing with the last several months, I'm sure. *sighs* Plus, I'm trying to figure out her game...since it all came completely out of the blue!! :/ Perhaps she'll prove to me that not everyone is a game player...

OH!!! *dies laughing* The BEST part of it all...she's...freaking 20 years old!! ROFL!!!! I have been giving Sara TOTAL SHIT for her 21 year old boy toy!!! AHAHAHA...CRAP!!! Well...hell...there goes that! Bleh!! *snorts & dies laughing again*

7/11...

7/11/07...3 years ago today...the day that was the beginning of the end for me. The day Lynny introduced me to Sara in SL. 7/14...will be an even WORSE date to get through though. That was the date i originally submitted to Her. *sighs*

I only just realized that...this *date* has probably subconsciously been wreaking havoc with my soul. I knew the date(s) were coming up...but it wasn't something that I was going to consciously DEAL with!! So...instead...my body & soul have been reacting to it subtlety. It's why I've wanted to do NOTHING but sleep! If I'm asleep...I'm not thinking!! :/ And so, of course, I've gotten absolutely nothing accomplished today--except sleep! Was up at 8:45 this morning but was out again by 11:30. Didn't get up til 4 pm. It's just after 6 & I am ready to go back to sleep! :/ I see now that this is gonna be a total shit week!! Even though I'm not actively dealing with the emotions...my body is still going through the emotions. If EVER I wanted time to just fly by...that would be *now*...

TGISN!!!!

TGISN = Thank Gawd It's Saturday Night!! hahahahaha

It's been a hella long week! :/ I have issues doing 5 days in a row anyway--especially when I'm working on a project! My body isn't fully recovered from the Room 3 Project (not sure that it ever will be! lol) & I've been reorganizing Sci Fi all week (with the exception of Wed when Stacy & I ran the store alone).

Plus, Nixon has been visiting & it's been a really bad one this go around! Been really weak, light-headed, nauseous, *emotional* (ACK!!!) & utterly exhausted! :/ Most days, I've felt like I've been on the brink of passing out...been too hot back there in the corner where the a/c doesn't circulate. And the last 2 days, all I've wanted to do is just SLEEP! Bleh. We were closing at 4 today anyway but by 2:30, I just couldn't take it any longer. I was OVER it...completely! So I came home. Napped from 4-7 pm...lol. Now I'm thinking...finally got caught up on FB...time for a movie! Amanda gave me a book she wants me to read. Maybe I'll start it after the movie.

Tomorrow is blessed Sunday! :D But I've GOT to do some cleaning! Really. I can't slack off on doing it. hehehe We'll see what happens though! *snorts* I've got SIBA emails to go through (they've been sitting in my inbox since Wed already!) The Furry One has been super needy the last few days so I need to have some quality playtime with him. :/ I need to clip his nails, too! And mine...HAHAHA! ;-p So much to do...so little time to do it! :/ Did I mention...I just wanna SLEEP?! *sighs*

I Just Don't Get It...

No matter...how *MUCH* I want to be closed off, evasive, distanced, protective of my own being...I dunno...the MOMENT I get to talk to her...I am *immediately* transported to another place & time when I felt alive, warm & fuzzy...I felt...COMPLETE...& WHOLE. *sighs & cries* It doesn't matter that the conversation isn't about "us". I don't want it to be about us...really! It's about Ben. Or about Andy (that *still* hurts). It's about whatever. It simply doesn't matter...cuz I am whole for those few minutes regardless. :/ And it only just dawned on me tonight...that is WHY I keep giving her chance after chance to be a part of my life. I crave that fucken misguided, stupid-ass *feeling*. Even though I know, without a doubt in my mind, that it won't last. And when she *forgets* that I exist...that I will wait...through the torture...for her to remember again. I guess the key is...to figure out how to curb that intense feeling from happening. I'm gonna hafta think on that one...

But, for now, I'm going to bed. Stacy & I are opening again in the morning. 2 more days & it'll be Sunday! Yay!! It's already been a long week. :/

Oh, Yeah...

I just hafta add...

On a *good*...BUSY day...with a FULL crew...we pull in $1000. As nerve wracking as it was, me & Stacy...the 2 LOW men on the totem pole...pulled in over $1000 today!! ahahahaha For those that truly *understand* what a BUSY day for us is...we did a fucken damn good job today!! :D

Looooooong Day!!

I had just woken up this morning when I got a text. You *KNOW* when you get texts at 5;15 am, it's NOT GOOD NEWS!! Ugh. Was Kelli. She's sick. And Amanda & Cindy were off today. Soooo...me & Stacy opened AND closed! Ack. It was fine until Cindy dropped by for a visit & then it went nuts & pretty much stayed that way the rest of the day! :/ Claire came in & put flats away. Savannah came in, too. We could've done without her being there though. It just made for an extremely long ass day! *sighs*

Day of Recovery...

Got up at 8:45 this morning. I didn't really sleep too well last night. I wasn't really feeling all that well when I went to sleep. Kind of nauseous & my head was *still* pounding pretty bad (combination of almost no caffeine all day, all the banging & smoke from the fireworks, alcohol, & not eating til 11 pm! lol)

I got up & did 2 loads of laundry. Then I planned on going to Wal-Mart...but I changed my mind! haha Have I mentioned I *hate* going in there?! *smirks* But there is NO other alternative! :/ *sighs* But...I can still put it off for a day or 2. Heh.

I had half of a leftover rib for lunch!! LOL Holy hell...I've STILL got 4 more servings of ribs left! ;-p the baked beans though...are now gone!! haha

Went into SL for about an hour. Jen was having the Grand Opening of the photo studio & she wanted as many of the models to be there as possible. After an hour, I was bored to death! :/ I only knew Jen! haha Me & strangers don't get along so well! ;-p So I left...

So then I napped from 4-8 pm! ACK!! :-( Yeah...I'm paying for that now! However, I took some sleeping pills so hopefully that'll counter it a little bit & I'll go to bed at a semi-decent hour.

I JUST NOW remade my bed with the clean sheets from today...hahahaha!!! Yeah...I was starting to wonder if I was even gonna put em back on today! *snorts & laughs* Today has been really low-key & I am just...TIRED. Having 2+ days off in a row is SUPER nice but...ehh...it makes for a horribly long week ahead! :/ I won't be off again til Sunday.

Sara texted me a happy 4th greeting yesterday around 5:30 pm. Of course, I didn't even SEE it til 12:15 am, when I got home!! haha Phone was in my purse which was nowhere near me alllllll evening!! Oops...oh, well. :/ Meh...she prolly didn't even notice! After all, she was never the one concerned with whether she got responses (timely or at all) even. I always feel *obligated* to respond to her as quickly as possible. It's just one of *those* stupid "rules" that comes along with the D/s territory for me. :/

Bastian has gotten sick 3 times in the last few minutes now!! :-( He's starting to worry me. It's all bile--nothing is actually coming up. And he never does that! *sighs* Hopefully he'll feel better in a few minutes...

4th of July...

I got up at 10:30 this morning, to my phone beeping...lol! Texts from Amanda & Stacy. Amanda giving me directions to Dan's parents' & Stacy telling me they were doing their thing today, after all. That's when I decided I'd go hang out with Stacy...even though she said it'd take 10 hrs to smoke the ribs...hahaha!! So I messed around on FB the rest of the morning, cleaned kitty litter, did the dishes, took a shower & finally got over to Ryan's at about 3:45. Me & Stacy went to get some fireworks, beer & Woodchuck's (for me). Was back at the house long enough for one Woodchuck & decided we needed bug spray (Off!) & I needed cooler clothing than what I had on. So I ran to CVS for the Off & then home to change & then back over to the house. We just hung out then, listening to music, talking, doing some of the fireworks. One of Stacy's sisters, Ashley, & her boyfriend, Ryan (too! lol) dropped by around 10 pm. Shot some more fireworks. Finally the food was ready & Ashley & Ryan left. We ate, played around a little bit longer & then it was midnight & we were all whipped...lol. They sent me home with leftovers. I have enough ribs to last me a month!! LMAO But...OMG...it was so delicious!! Which...surprised me. I've tried ribs a couple of times before & have never liked them! ;-)

Tomorow...is laundry. And a *possible* Wal-Mart run. Definitely laundry...Wal-Mart may hafta wait! lolol I hate going there...*sighs*

I need to sleep so I can get up at a decent time...to do laundry...hahaha...ack! I'm tired as hell but still wound up! :/

Another Long Weekend...

We were only open from 9 am-2 pm today. WooHoo! :-) AND...we're closed on Monday!!! hahaha Judy woulda NEVER done that! ;-p

After work, I went & got my hair done...FINALLY! Ha! The cut was what I wanted but she didn't do the color like I wanted. I wanted the all-over auburn with bold blonde highlights (like I had it last summer). Instead...she blended both colors...so that it's auburn with subtle streaks. But...it's COOL! I really like it! :-) She styled it straight--my hair is naturally curly & is NEVER straight...haha!! But Stacy says she's gonna teach me how to straighten it. *smirks* Yeah, I spend less than 5 minutes on my hair...so we'll see! ;-p

Amanda has been inviting me (for a couple of weeks now) out to Dan's parents' farm for the 4th. There's supposed to be a huge mass of people there all day & then they're doing a bunch of fireworks when it gets dark. Although most of the people that will be there, I already know...meh...I know OF them really & am not entirely comfortable around them. So...*shrugs*...I dunno. Then today, Kelli mentioned she may be going out to Judy's timeshare on the beach & I could go with her. That's tempting. I dunno who all would be going--she almost made it sound like it'd just be her. Then I get home & mom has messaged me, inviting me over for burgers & to watch Tooth Fairy (which I've already seen--TOO cute!! haha) THEN...just a bit ago, Stacy started texting me & inviting me over to Ryan's for BBQ. The only thing with her's though, is she's not sure if it'll be tomorrow or Monday yet. I'd lean more towards going to Stacy's than anyone else. I know her peeps & am comfortable around them (well, as comfortable as I get anyway...haha) Soooo...I STILL have no idea what I'm gonna be doing!! *snorts* It'll be a spur of the moment decision, I suppose...whoever contacts me 1st! ;-p

Bleh...so...umm...I've gotta quit smoking again. :/ Not because I *want* to & not *FOR* somebody (like it was the last time)...but cuz I simply can't afford it! *sighs* I've been buying them online but, apparently, Congress passed the PACT Act, which prohibits tobacco products from being mailed!! FUCK ME!! Argh!! *sighs heavily* I was getting them online for HALF the cost I can buy them at a store. Fucken ridiculous, dude! :/ Whatever. But...I'm not gonna quit cold turkey like I did last time & totally jack up my system. I'm gonna wean myself off of them this time.

Amanda really hit the nail on the head the other day...it's taken me a year & a half to regain some semblance of a "life" back. She says she's been watching me opening up, venturing out, doing new things, going out with peeps...over the last year. I can't let myself regress now! And that's exactly what'll happen if I don't stand up for myself & be honest with Sara about what I need. The bond that we had...isn't the same. I can't go back to where I was. Even though, somewhere...deep, deep inside...I *know* it's still there & can be called upon at any given time...She broke it by failing to do Her *job* of protecting me & taking care of me. I don't owe her any more effort on my part. Mine is there...ready & willing...but it's being protected by ME right now. She's the one that has to regain the trust & respect. I can't do it for her & I can't just blindly give it to her...cuz when I do...it'll be MY fault then--whatever happens next. I will be allowing her to hurt me. I guess I always DID allow it anyway. *shrugs* But I was blind & stupid in love with her...I had no ability to control anything. :/ *sighs* I wish my brain had a fucken delete button so I didn't have to deal with this...

SL Murder Mystery...

So I only slept from maybe 1 am-5am last night. Any guesses why? :/ *sighs*

Got to work at 9 am...wondered where the hell everybody was...got inside & Kelli reminded me it was Friday! LOL I didn't technically hafta be there til 10! HA! Oh, well...no biggie...I left at 5! ;-)

Got home, did a bit of FB & then dozed from 6:30 pm til 8 pm. Had to get up so I could go in SL to do that research study/murder mystery game! It was fun but I was lagging terribly...made it a bit frustrating...haha.

Sara contacted me...finally...last night. It's been 3 weeks. I don't know what to make of the convo. I simply stated what I feel but I don't think she gets it. Even though she agrees that friendship is a 2-way street...I don't think she *gets* it. Our "friendship" is solely based on whenever she remembers to make contact. It's always on her terms, only things that ever matter is whatever is going on in her world...I can't contact her. A) I'm petrified of Ben. B) She won't respond back anyway. I just...I've FINALLY gotten to the place where I'm tired of constantly being jerked around at her whim. I still respond immediately to her. And I just can't take it anymore when she's gonna disappear or just toy with me. I don't understand why she can't understand that. Instead...it's ME wanting her to contact me daily! *SIGHS* The same old story of the past 3 years! I always told her I didn't need daily contact--I STILL don't! What I DO need is...if we're to have *any* kind of relationship...I need to be able to trust her. I need to be able to trust her NOT to hurt me. I need to be able to trust her NOT to yank me around. I need to be able to trust her when she says something. Bottom line is...I DON'T TRUST HER! :/ And I can't learn to because she's never around. I can't just take what she says at face value, not talk to her for a month & be able to pick up right where we left off. And yet...this will all be me being passive aggressive, if you ask her about it...fuck me...*SIGHS*

Ack...

She fucken called me "kit"...*head aches*

Cindy's Surprise!!

So I napped between 1 & 3 pm. Didn't want to get up at all when the alarm went off! :/ Even toyed with the idea of skipping the party so I could sleep...but then I remembered I had the gift! LOL Oops! So I got up at 3:15...still very reluctant! ;-p

Followed Kelli out to Cindy's house. Mike, Claire & Todd have been in cahoots for over a week to throw this surprise birthday party for Cindy. We got there around 5:30 & we all parked in the back so she wouldn't be able to see any cars. Mike had picked her up at the store at 5 to take her to dinner. He got to the house at about 6:30--she was SUPPOSED to be right behind him! Instead, she went to Goodwill to shop for books, then dropped them off at the store. After 3 phone calls & us all waiting around for almost 2 hours...hahahaha...she gets home around 7:30!!! I caught her "SURPRISE" on video!! It's freaking classic, dude!! :D We had hamburgers, chips & dip, hot dogs, drinks (though I only drank Coke). Cake was super YUM & it turned your mouth blue/black from the icing!! LOL I didn't know this...but as we were heading out...I followed everyone following Mike into the garage...lol. Amanda & Stacy & Claire already knew what was up but I...was innocent! *chuckles* So...umm...yeah...I smoked pot for the very 1st time in my life with Mike, Claire, Amanda, Stacy, Kelli, Rob (& another guy I don't know his name). lol Didn't affect me AT ALL...but most people say that about your 1st time anyway. *shrugs*

So now I'm home--wide awake. New store hours started today so for the rest of the summer, I'll be going in at 9 instead of 9:30.

Wow! :-)

Before work, yesterday morning, I noticed that almost the entire parking lot at Sears was taped off with yellow Police tape & there were several cops scattered around. I had no clue what was going on til I got to work. Apparently, a man had shot himself in his car in the parking lot there & they'd discovered him around 7:15 am. That was a little bit disturbing...seeing as it's 5 minutes away from my house! :/

Then later at work, Cindy & I were outside, having a smoke. She started telling me that she wants me to go to SIBA this year! hahaha SIBA (Southern Independent Booksellers Association) has a major trade show somewhere in the South every year. This year, it's in Daytona. One of the days is going to have dedicated classes/discussions on Internet Marketing & since I am her computer geek...LMAO...she wants me to go! ;-) It's being held Sept. 24-26 so it's still a ways off. We'll see what happens, I guess...but I was still flattered! *chuckles*

I *officially* met the neighbors last night. haha I've been speaking with the man pretty much since they've been there. We speak every morning & night basically. I've seen the wife & daughter several times but never spoken to them. I actually met the daughter, Samantha. She's probably 14 or so. AND...I met Biscuit!! AHAHAHAHAHA Little Jack Russell/Bichon mix pup...TOO freaking cute!! He was sitting at the fence, watching me. Finally, he asked, the next time I went out, if Biscuit could come over...I said sure! lol Biscuit got ALL excited! *giggles*

I was gonna go get my hair done today, make Wal-Mart & Publix trips...but...I think I've changed my mind! Even though I slept from midnight til 8, I'm so freaking sleepy right now, I can't handle myself! :/ Guess I'll just nap til I hafta get ready to go out tonight. I can't talk about what's happening tonight yet...LOL ;-p

I haven't seen Ariel in DAYS!!! :-( I miss her little constant talking butt! :/ She was never really staying here--she'd just come in for visits, long enough to piss Sebastian off! lol

Sara has been totally MIA. No more on & off on Yahoo (she's put herself invisible to me, too, now, apparently). Not been any action on FB either. No texts. Nothing. And...it's fine. *sighs* I will always miss her, I suppose, but, at least, this way...I'm not constantly torn into shreds by her games. :/ It's terribly sad that she can't grasp the concept of friendship...but I've done all that I can in the last 3 years. It's time for me to stop trying. She was my last hold-out. Everyone else that's treated me dirty, I've walked away from without a glance back. Except for her. I think it was a combination of things that finally got me to make a decision. When she "flirted" that night & then the next night told me she only did it cuz she was drinking...& the turmoil that ensued...it felt WAY too "familiar" & it fucken scared me to death!! Then I watched Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist a couple of days later...what I took from that movie was this: when the opportunity presents itself...rid yourself of those people who constantly abuse you! And that pretty much did it. That's when I started blocking her from stuff. I'm *STILL* here...I will probably always still be here (somewhere)...but I can't let her suck me back in again! Not for the games. I'm so over that! If she decides she TRULY wants to be friends & will actually commit herself to it...I will be ecstatic. But not until then...