State of Confusion...

Sara contacted me again last night. *drifts into thought* She has successfully pitched me into a state of confusion, deliriousness, wonder & questions aplenty!!! The part of me that is still *attached* to her...wants to think it was all true. But if it is, what does that even mean?? I can't speculate. That's what got us all in the mess to begin with!!! I'll take one day at a time...like I've done the last year & a half.

I was talking to Jen at the same time last night. She was not happy. :/ Everything that she said was valid & true!! And I'm well aware of it all. I just...this is a *force* that has no rhyme or reason to it & it's ALWAYS been that way!! *sighs* I don't know how else to describe it. And nobody ever gave me instructions on how to handle it. LOGICALLY...I know...I know...but logic doesn't apply here! :/ But I think the important thing here is that...Jen isn't in any kind of danger. I'm not going anywhere!! She makes me too happy for that to happen. I haven't been this happy in an extremely long time--I missed it too fucken much just to give it up on a whim! I'm treading softly between my rock & hard place. Nothing will happen overnight. And I'm smarter THIS time!! The only thing that will sway me at this point is ACTIONS!! Words simply don't cut it anymore...I've heard them all before...& look where it got me. :/ Sooo...time will tell. I'm not making any guesses or promises.

But what this situation does is make me *think*! Truly think about polyamory. Never in my life have I thought of myself as a possible candidate for poly until I was put into the situation! And though I've not truly experienced it yet...I'm open to the IDEA of it. Under certain circumstances!! For a long time now, this has been my stance on it. But I knew I'd have to experience it 1st before I truly know. But here's the thing...now...right now...what's rushing around in my head is...can it be true?? Can I really be wired this way?! Because...I am *stuck* between a rock & a hard place right NOW. Between someone I have loved utterly & completely for years ... and ... someone who IS everything I always *thought* I wanted in a partner!! I can't foresee the future with Jen so all of this may be a bit premature. But I like to mentally prepare for this kind of shit so that it doesn't entirely knock me for a loop when it happens! ;-p Anyway...back to my thoughts...what if...what if I don't have to CHOOSE?! Because as it stands, right here at this very moment...I CAN'T give my heart to Jen...no matter how much I WANT to! The rest of me is totally ready & willing & enjoying every second of it!!!! The heart is dragging it's feet. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about that...other than to let it branch off in different directions when it needs to...*ponders*

So I think Jen was a bit worried last night. :/ She doesn't need to be!! But...still. I think she was & it prompted her to create something for me! :D I got it this morning. And, yes, it made me cry. For more than one reason! Heh. ;-) She truly is ME...ahahahaha!! This is the kinda shit I used to do! *laughs* I was HER...once upon a time. It's scary sometimes to see it coming back at me now...*laughs*. But, most of all, she makes me *remember* what it was like to be that person...& that makes me smile! :D