UGH!! :/

I've been super nauseous all morning! :/ Even puked right after getting out of the shower. *sighs* And...all I wanna do is just curl up & sleep! *sighs* But...I hafta go to work!! Amanda will be the only one there for a while. Cindy has a dr's appointment this morning. I'm feeling better since puking but still not *OK*. Besides, my "slave", Claire, will be there today. LOLOL That's what Amanda refers to her as!! ;-p *snorts* I HAFTA laugh whenever she says that...well...just CUZ! ;-p I'm just gonna have her doing flats again. IF I can work on my project, I will. Otherwise, I'll be on counter, I'm sure. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Off tomorrow. So if I can just make it through today...I can wallow. I'm manifesting. I'm well aware of that. Not really much I can do about it though...

Please...PLEASE...let this day be over already!! :/

Memories...

"You're my every other memory..." (Heard on Shanghai Kiss)


And the tears fall like a spring rain...

Helluva Day!! :/

MAN!! :/

I walk in this morning at 8:45 & can't even get my shit put down before Cindy is saying she has a project for me! Eep! Judy has sent her the 300+ email addresses for the newsletter. They needed to be input. Not a big deal...right?! WRONG!! Just over 3 hours later...I was finally done. :/ Each email had to be put in one at a time. Then put them in the Newsletter group that I'd created. Was semi-ok til about halfway through them when I could no longer do it by using a few clicks. I had to do the last half by copying & pasting the emails as new entrys. Thought I was done at that point but NOOOO! Yahoo only allows 20 emails in the send field! CRAP!! Then I had to go & create SUB groups in the Newsletter group! 20 emails into 16 sub groups! So that now all she has to do is click the sub groups & send 1 email. Sheesh. :/ Oh...& during this, I was having to wait on customers, too! And...I was SO not in the mood to deal with people today!! *sighs*

Then I got to work on my Room 3 project for a little bit before being called back up to the front. People were everywhere!! Books were coming in left & right. And it was just Cindy. Amanda was checking in the big fuck-up order that had come in. Not only was it a reorder of a January order...the tags & everything were fucked up, too. And...the best part...Stacy left at 1 cuz she had a paper to write. o.0 SERIOUSLY?! WTF is Sunday for??? Whatever. Anyway, Cindy got pulled away & that left just me. I was fine. I was fine until Lori thought she needed to step in & help! Umm...NO!! She doesn't know the trade policy, she knows nothing of the register processes, she's slow, she gets confused & confuses the customers & I CAN'T ring up 2 people at once! FFS!! Anyway...I finally got to escape the front for a little while to go back to Room 3 but not for long. Amanda needed help with the front, finishing processing the new order, etc. She wanted to be finished by 6 & she's off tomorrow. I finally left at 5:30. Long. Ass. Day. Ugh!

The cycle has officially started...

I wanna go to the beach...

I wanna sleep...

I wanna NOT be around people...

I wanna vacation...

I wanna not be in my head or my body at the moment...

I wanna...nevermind...

3 Months...Almost...

It's been almost 3 months since I've heard from Kat. Spent several hours today chatting with her on FB. Not ONLY that, she *called* me! 1st I've heard her voice in over a year. I will refrain from going into detail about what I was feeling through these hours of chat. I will say though...that I cried...when she apologized. She's apologized before but I never could hear it. I was still too angry with her. I'm not angry so much anymore. Just empty. It is what it is. *shrugs*

Went up to the store after Kelli texted me, saying she'd totally bottlenecked my project & started doing it differently. Freaked me out a bit, to say the least! Right in the middle of this convo with Kat...my nerves were already shot as it was! :/ But she didn't do anything drastic. Just her process of doing the moving is different than mine...lol. *whew* So while I was there, I chatted with Amanda. About Kat. So we're both aware that my cycle will now begin again & when I get to that NASTY point that I get to...that point where I'm just utterly miserable...she's gonna smack me, take me out for drinks, get me drunk & tell me to shut up. LOL!!! Heh. I hate this fucken cycle. I wish I knew how to break it...

Here We Go...

Yesterday was Stacy's 1st day back in almost 2 weeks. She'd contacted me on FB yesterday morning & was complaining so the day didn't look optimistic from there. When she came in, she was complaining. It looked like nothing was going to be any different. When Cindy handed her the new handbook though...something shifted! Stacy's 1st reaction was "I'm gonna get fired!" I tried not to laugh...too much. ;-p From that point on, we had the OLD Stacy back!! It was utterly refreshing! :D I'm just hoping it stays that way...

Last night, Mike came in & was going to be installing my new shelves in Room 3. WOOHOO!! Considering it's been about 5 months since the idea was initially introduced...haha...I'm EXCITED!!! But what does that mean exactly? Well, that means I will start on my MASSIVE reorganization project!! As it is now, Room 3 is divided into sections. The left side of the room is historicals & romance. The right side of the room is general fiction, gothics, regencys & hardbacks. The IDEA is to integrate the right side with the left, creating one BIG alphabet! In the end, what that will do is make the room easier to navigate. AND...*hopefully*...give Lori some more room to expand the hardbacks. This project will take weeks to accomplish. I would estimate that there are about 50,000+ books in that room. All of which--every single book--will have to be moved!! What ELSE does that mean?! It means I will be hurting like a son-of-a-bitch for WEEKS!! That, I'm not looking forward to! :/ I mean, I hurt on a daily basis anyway with just my regular workload. *sighs* But...it will be worth it in the end...

Break Even...

I just happened across this song the other day. Yes...I cried. I think, out of the 400+ songs that are ALREADY attributed to Her, this one...this one is the MOST *exact*...

Opening Procedures...

So I went in at 8:30 this morning to learn how to open. It's SOOOOOOOO freaking difficult!! Dunno if I can remember it all!!! (*sarcasm*)

Dreading tomorrow but I've got a ton of flats stacked up so hopefully I can avoid the front all day...

She left a comment on Sebastian's photo album on FB this morning...not sure what else to say about that...

Nice Surprise!!

I've known Katy online since summer '07. We met in SL. Within a few months, she was off SL but we kept in touch via YM, email & now FB. Now I knew she was on vacation, attending her grandmother's 90th birthday festivities & all but I thought she was in VA or somewhere up north close to her home in MD. lol She messaged me on YM at 11 pm last night & asks what I'm doing today & if I wanna hang out! haha To say she took me by surprise would be an understatement! Come to find out, she's here in FL, only about an hr or so away!! So we made plans for her to come over & we'd go out to lunch. She only had a small time frame that she was free from family stuff & since she took the long way to get here & to go back, that cut our visit even shorter! :/ So I got up at 6 am this morning!! LOL Ugh. Took a shower, cleaned kitty litter, did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, made my bed & just generally picked up around the house. She got here just before noon. She brought Sebastian a toy!! LMAO!! These feathers on a string attached to a pole thingy! But, of course, since he freaks out when company comes, she only caught a glimpse of him! Sheesh! :/ Then we went to Chili's. They took FOREVER to bring food, the waitress sucked, then it took a long time to get the check. It was raining when we left. We had fun though, regardless!! Too funny! She's a dork! ;-p I got her back here & she immediately had to take off to get back to her grandma's on time. Sebastian is afraid of the toy! OMG! Retard!! lol I kept trying to get him to play with it. I'll just hafta keep trying. :/ Then I took a nap. Got up, had dinner, had a text-fest with Amanda (mostly about Stacy) & now...I need to read! UGH! The plan for this weekend: totally out the window! LOL We'd gotten Fern Michael's Payback in the early part of the week. It's the 2nd in her Sisterhood series & we haven't had it for months. So I snatched it Sat cuz it's an easy read & I shoulda been able to get through it today. Nope. lol Read 3 chapters last night & NOTHING today! But I'm gonna read now til bedtime. See how far I get. :/

I'm going in at 8:30 in the morning to learn how to open. Yay. lol Maybe I'll get to leave early?

Official-Responsibility...

The other day, Kelli had mentioned me learning how to open. It's not a difficult task...I just have never been taught the steps. She was thinking of it cuz there's just some days she wants to be lazy & sleep in! *giggles* Besides...9 times out of 10, I'm already up anyway & can be there in a few minutes if she texts me. So we discussed it in length more yesterday with Cindy & Amanda. It's a go apparently. lol Amanda walked me through closing procedures a little bit last night. I'm supposed to go in early on Monday & learn opening procedures with Cindy.

Also, yesterday...Cindy went & got all *OFFICIAL* on us! haha We now have an Employee Handbook with specific guidelines in writing. We had to sign off on the receipt of said handbook. Really...it's not all that scary. She's just covering her ass--which is a GOOD thing! Cuz...possibly...the shit is gonna hit the fan next week or soon after. We'll just hafta hide & watch to see what happens. ;-p In the handbook, it says that we get a raise on our yearly anniversary date? Hmmm. Curious about that one! My year is coming up on the 30th of this month. That will be cool if she does that!! Then I won't be hovering above minimum wage anymore. Yeeha!! Also, it says we get 5 days of vacation time after a yr. Nice! :-) BUT...the part I like the best is...she's setting us up for Direct Deposit!! WOOHOO!! :D BOA implemented a minimum balance last fall. I have to pay a $9.95 fee every month that I don't keep the minimum balance in my account. Which, is IMPOSSIBLE for me to do! However, if I have DD, I can avoid the fee! So...YAY!! No more fees!! *woot* Change is in the air! And it appears GOOD! *crosses fingers*

Nothing?!

I did semi ok with doing NOTHING today! haha Got up at 9, played on FB for a couple of hrs, trying to catch up from the week & a half that I ignored it mostly cuz of SL. Then I took a nap. Got up, put my fan together, did kitty litter, dishes, dinner. Chatted with Traci for a couple mins on YM. She's been sick so why she hasn't been online. Watched a movie. Then finished playing catch up with FB! I wonder how long it'll stay caught up now?? lol Guess that depends on how much I go in SL, huh? ;-p Finished off the night by looking at an online college. Everyone is talking about or ARE going back to school & I've wanted to all along (otherwise I wouldn't have tried it twice already!) The book shop is not my dream job. Nor is clerical work (when I happen to find it). I want something better. But I've got to find a way to be able to do it 1st. *sighs* I'm still interested in the criminal justice field--not as a beat cop but something more specialized (like the cyber crimes I was going for at ITT). I think I'd be good at that. As long as I don't have to take any fucken ridiculous algebra/math classes!! FFS!! :-(

It's 12:30 am & I'm not really sleepy yet (damned nap!)...ugh! :/

Random Thoughts...

Stacy is taking the entire week off this week. It's her Spring Break plus her birthday is the 20th. Work has been pleasant without her there. Busy cuz we're missing a body but...pleasant. I don't even really bother to talk to her when she IS there anymore!! She's bitten my head off enough times now that I'm just over her. Done. I have *zero* sympathy for anything that's going on in her life now. I'm not looking forward to her coming back...

Cindy has also hired 2 part-timers. John & her friend, Claire. John is mostly being utilized in room 2 with Lori. Claire is mine. I have her straightening & pulling excess in room 3 so far. She's really beginning to make some room but creating a LOT of excess for the garage! I'm starting to get nervous about the amount of excess but if she leaves it the way it is, we still won't have any room! Quite the conundrum. :/ I'm gonna think on a better plan tomorrow...

I noticed the other day that Rachael now has a FB page! She's growing up. I miss her. And Anna. I want to friend her but I won't...

Annie created an email & Yahoo Messenger account for Brittany. lol She's too cute!! 9 yrs old & acts like she's grown! haha She's been chatting with me on YM. I hope they come down again this summer...

We had our book club meeting tonight. Fun, as usual. We've decided to do something different next month--we're gonna meet at Chili's! Should be interesting to see these clowns in a public place! LMAO

Off tomorrow. Plan on doing absolutely NOTHING!! lol We'll see how that goes! ;-p

I haven't talked to Traci for 2 days now. Surprisingly enough, it bothers me. I mean, not a WHOLE lot cuz my heart just isn't in the relationship but enough. I hope she's not gone moody on me! :/ She's MORE moody than me & I didn't even think that was possible!! :/ I miss talking to her...

Also surprisingly enough, I'm not really missing Talon. I mean, I've pretty much stayed away from her for a year & a half now anyway. Had only been back in contact with her for just over a week. I'm so over her, too. I just don't play those games anymore. *shrugs* You're either gonna be my friend or you can fuck off. I've got too much constant grief in my soul as it is to be bothered with dumbass drama from fair-weather "friends".

I need sleep...

Drama!!

Talon & I always had a sort of volatile relationship. I had forgotten what the drama was like! I realize, at this moment, that I haven't missed it in the least! Ugh. o.0 It's been...oh, I dunno...a year & a half...??...since I've really spent any time with her. Just over a week now &...BAM!! Drama! *sighs* But...I'm over it. She went off on me last night & THEN tried to play the Domme card. Nope. Wasn't having it. NOBODY talks to me like that anymore when it's unjustified. NOBODY!! I'm just not the one anymore. I'm not that girl that bows down & just rolls over & takes it. I've changed more than I'd even realized. :/ Worst part of it is that Traci is now inbetween us. That I don't like. Apparently the 2 of them had words, also...after I'd told her what happened with Tal. I am *WAY* too fucken gun-shy & hesitant to try to reach out again when I get slapped once. Sooo...dunno how things are gonna go between Traci & I if I refuse to speak to Tal. *sighs* Whatever...she will hafta contact me & apologize. Doubt that'll happen!

And So It Happens...

I spent most of yesterday in SL. I knew...I *KNEW*...that it would only be a matter of time if I started being in SL for any length of time that...Talon...& the subject of...taking her collar would come up. And so it has. Don't think I'm not contemplating it. I am. Nothing & no one will ever fill the void that remains in my heart & soul for Her. But...the emptiness that comes from being "abandoned"...that comes from not "belonging" to someone...that...THAT can be eased. I'll only ever have one TRUE Owner--that person which possesses my heart & soul. I can give my loyalty, my submission, my need to be protected & to belong...to someone else. It's a shame & ironic, at the same time, that it may be to Her arch enemy. I've waited for over a year for Her to reclaim any of it...*something*. It's Her choice. I just wish She cared that the door is slowly sliding closed. The very same door that I've had propped open, just for Her, for oh so long now. This won't happen overnight. This taking Talon's collar. I'm still way too skittish. I've been a stray kitten for an extremely long time now & she will need to regain some trust from me 1st. Not to mention...I still continue to prop that fucking door open, no matter what! But...I'm pretty sure it will happen. I need it too badly to help me heal not to accept it...

Stuff...

I feel HUMAN again today! WOOHOOOOOOO!!!! haha I even started back on my vitamin regimen again (I've been totally off of it since being sick). Hoping there's no adverse reactions to the iron pills. Ick. I am shortly going to take a LONG OVERDUE shower, do kitty litter, do the dishes & then...I dunno...haha. I should prolly go to Wal-Mart & Publix cuz I'm not sure when I'm gonna have a day off. It's scheduled for tomorrow but I'm going in.

One brief note about Kat. She's *obviously* still playing WoW. She's coming on FB more often than her normal. The people she keeps adding as friends are all WoW players...therefore, she's still currently involved in WoW. Last I heard from her was Jan 4. She can play WoW & she can go on FB so she's not being so closely supervised as she protested...obviously. But she can't make contact? She always got pissed off when I'd claim she'd lied to me. Must've been her guilty conscience protesting? Cuz really...she can't explain away to me how she's adding new WoW people to her FB & *NOT* playing WoW. Seriously...

I spent several hours in SL last night. Ran into Shanna, Linda & Lee while there. No lie...EVERY SINGLE PLACE I went to...on a Saturday night even...was *completely* deserted!! Reminded me why I've not really tried getting back in there. :/ You know, other than the OBVIOUS reason! Ha! I only ever did one thing in there...& I don't really want to travel down that road again. I mean...I *do*...deep, deep, deep down...cuz...I miss it. I have that empty place there. But...then I don't. The LOGICAL side of me doesn't want to do it again. Linda is still feeling super guilty about introducing me to Kat. I wish she'd stop that. :/ But she kept begging me to start coming in again & hanging out at her place. She now covers 2 full sims with her properties! OMG how she's grown in there! I'm proud of her! :-) And she said DJ & Tan were both asking about me the other night. I'm torn. I'm lonely enough to attempt going back inworld to fill the void. But if I start going back in, I will stop doing EVERYTHING else! I mean absolutely *everything* else!! FB, reading, movies...all of it. Do I really, truly wanna go there again?! Especially when I *know* what my niche in SL is & I will inevitably fall back into it...? But...I dunno...if I fall back into it with someone who is semi-decent...it could possibly finish getting me finally past the rest of this hurt of Kat. I mean...for a big part of it anyway. Is that such a bad thing? A true conundrum indeed. I guess it just depends on how lonely I really am, huh? I've been denying admitting that to myself, as of late. But I know it's there. I'm just scared to address it. I'm scared to attempt to let someone else ease it. I'm scared to...let go...of Her. I'm scared to finally close that door. I'm so scared that tears are rolling down my cheeks...

Residual Yuckiness!

I will NEVER eat fast food again!! OMG. And that truly sucks cuz I *loved* Quizno's! :/ But...the last 3 days have been pure hell!! Not to mention, twice in as many months...so...yeah, no more.

I woke up hurting at 6 am on Thursday. It's now almost 6 pm on Saturday & I'm still not *right*! Was still cramping & nauseous til about 3 pm or so. Mom came over this morning & brought me CharcoCaps (for the gas), Gatorade, Powerade, jello & saltines. I've taken the pills twice now. What's remaining is...I just keep farting. That's just...lovely! *rolls eyes* Yeah, work was so not an option for today either. :/ However, I'm starving! lol But afraid to really try anything much. Blast.

Food Poisoning!!

UGH!!! Ok, the last couple of days have been complete MISERY!! :-( I've gotten food poisoning...for the 2nd time...in the last couple of months!! *sighs* So much for having a 3-day weekend! Stacy texted earlier--said Cindy was wanting to know if I'm coming in tomorrow. I don't think I'm ready but I'll give it a shot. *sighs*

Pasta & Sangria!!

It was a helluva day today! Actually...it's been a helluva couple of days! Ugh. I dunno what it is. Tensions at work are strung tight. Customers are either super needy, super retarded or just super nasty! :/ And it's been BUSY! Like...really busy! Long stretches of the day are being spent with all of us running around like chickens with our heads cut off, simultaneously. I guess, & not to mention, each one of us have been kinda on edge, too. Actually...Stacy is getting on my last nerve with this school/homework thing. And since she started going to school/break up with Tim, she's been really mean & vicious with her comments & attitude. I'm just over it. I'm coming to that point in my Cycle where I'm feeling just lost & all this work stress is putting me over the edge. Cindy has been a little out of it, more than normal. With Mike being in Palau & then the scare with the earthquake/tsunami...I dunno. She's on edge, too. Amanda had her several days of emotional imbalance. Kelli is always stressing out over Trent &/or Savannah. And Lori...well, she's off her meds & drinking too much & driving us ALL batty!! Ugh. Anyway...

So, tonight, right after work, we all (all except Stacy, that is) went over to Cindy's to have pasta & Sangria. Stacy completely fucked her weekend away & then decided she's got too much homework due tomorrow to come hang out with us...WTFever. We had a REALLY good time!! And we ALL needed it!! Cindy has a beautiful home. The pasta was yummy! The Sangria was AWESOME!! We did nothing but laugh all night. But now I'm afraid, I'm not going to sleep til way late cuz I've missed my wind-down time...lol. Oh, well. It was worth it. ;-)

BRRRR!!!!!

Ok, so...I've been using this old radiator space heater that Judy had given me when it 1st started being cold. It's worked fine, for the most part. Except when it's gotten REALLY cold, it didn't really heat the place up--just took a bit of the nip out of the air. But...it was doable!

I had noticed the other day that 1 of the wheels was looking like it was about to fall off. Though...I'm not sure WHY! Sebastian never bothered it & it stayed in the same place the whole time (not like I've been moving it around the apt or anything). Anyway, Friday morning when I came out of the shower, it was laying on its side, on the floor--the wheel had come off! So I picked it up, put the wheel back on & turned it off cuz I was about to leave for work anyway. It warmed up considerably during the day Friday so when I got home, it was a little nippy in here but not bad. It had started to actually get chilled by the time I was ready to go to bed so I turned the heater on & went to sleep. Ooooook!! So I get up yesterday morning &...BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Egads!! It was freaking cold in here!! I had to wear my jacket! lol Taking a shower was an adventure! ;-p The heater was putting out ZERO heat! So I just turned it off. Messaged my mom about it cuz she has 1 she uses in her bathroom that she loves so I wanted to know where she got it. I had looked at Wal-Mart before...when it got cold the 1st time & before Judy gave me this one...& didn't see any like hers. They have them online at Wal-Mart but she thinks she actually got hers at Lowes. So the plan was for me to come get hers when I got off work & then order the one online. That was the plan! LOL Mom showed up at the book store around 2ish & brought me hers. haha She'd never been in the store so I showed her around for a bit. It was an absolute ZOO yesterday so I ended up having to abandon her to wander by herself for a while. When I got home, I plugged this one in & it was 56 degrees in here!! Ha! Damn it, Boy! ;-p And that was from being warmed up during the day! Mom had also sent me a message on FB that she'd already ordered the new heater! Sheesh. lol And...I actually got hot during the night! LOVE THIS HEATER!! :D

I'm so tired. Worked 5 days straight, off today but today isn't really an OFF day (got way too much shit to do)...then I work M-F this week. BUT...once I get through that...I'm off Sat, Sun & Mon! WOW!! Mini vacation! lol But...man...I've got so much shit to do today! :/ Doing a load of laundry now. Gotta do kitty litter, vaccuum, clean the bathroom, dishes, & I need to go to Wal-Mart & Publix. Ugh. I just wanna sleep...

I am depressed. I realize that. It's become a constant state of being. And because I'm not talking about it...it makes it worse. But whatever. I see how I'm better than I was even a couple of months ago but not over it...not by a long shot. I seriously doubt that I ever will be. I lost my entire world. That leaves a gaping wound that cannot possibly heal. No matter what...but...ahh...yeah...*sighs*

Ear Drops...

He made it look *SO* simple...

Umm...yeah...apparently...ear drops & kittehs don't go so well together!! I think there was more on me than in his ears!! :/

I'm crashing real quick. Not even 10 yet. Could be the less than 4 hrs of sleep. Could be the really long day at work. Could be my "dark cloud". Could be...

No REST For the Wicked!

It has been a BUSY 2 days off!! Not the way I had planned it AT ALL!! lol Oh, well. Whatever. ;-p

Yesterday morning, I get up & am on FB. Mom messages me, tempting me with pie to come over. LOL Ok, yeah, but see...not just ANY pie! These pies she used to make when I was little. We'd have them for Thanksgiving & Xmas. Cherry or blueberry cream cheese. It's cream cheese, powdered sugar & cool whip for the filling & whatever topping. I always preferred the blueberry. ;-) So she says she's making some, asks if I want to come over. I had already decided to procrastinate with doing laundry even though I needed to this week but she suggests I can do laundry. lol So...fine. I get over there just before noon. Start my 1 load of laundry & then we go to Food Lion cuz...now I'm invited to stay for dinner. lol Gotta get roast for dinner. haha We come back & play a couple games of Gin while the roast is cooking. Now...I'm not stupid & I know she's not stupid. I KNOW she's known I was smoking again. I mean, it's obvious! You can't miss the smell. But...I never admitted it, she never asked & I certainly didn't do it front of her! LOL I dunno...I could just hear the lecture & I wanted no part of it so I hid it...sorta. So...after the last card game & before dinner is ready she makes the comment that I can smoke out on the patio. LMAO!! Yeah...awkward! haha But NO lecture so it was fine! ;-) By the time dinner was over, it was dark so I head home cuz I don't see so well at night. :/ I get home & Sebastian & I snuggle & watch a couple of movies.

Then today...yeah, I wanted today to be unproductive since yesterday I was gone all day. Well, that didn't really happen either. I played on FB a bit after I got up, then took a shower cuz I was gonna hafta take Sebastian to the vet this afternoon. After that, I did kitty litter, the dishes, finished hanging up laundry from yesterday, the trash (tomorrow is trash day), & then started getting Sebastian ready to go to the vet.

The Vet. UGH!! See...I was sooooooo NOT looking forward to this little rendezvous!! Sebastian is so freakishly spazmatic when people come over here that I could just IMAGINE him acting like a ping pong ball in the vet's office & destroying the place! So much so was I worried about this that I made myself sick! :/ So I get him in his carrier, put his bear in there with him (for comfort)...he was not happy! Cried all the way to the office. We get there & he is literally just shaking like a leaf!! I felt SO BAD!!! My heart was just breaking but I was petrified, too...afraid of how he was gonna act once he was taken out of the carrier. So Dr Smith comes in & he has his little assistant with him. They are handling him while we talk. Sebastian is cowering but he is NOT acting out. I'm shocked at this point. lol So he checked his teeth. Says he's got his Big Boy teeth now & they look really new & in good shape so 99% sure that's what the crunching/grinding/bleeding was all about...he was losing his baby teeth! WHEW! He only found 1 flea on him & he was nearly dead BUT he has tapeworms (cuz of being infested with the fleas a while back) so he got a pill for that. He has earmites. I got drops for that, which I'll administer tomorrow (I'm sure I'll end up with more on me than in his freaking ears! lol) Now...here's the AMAZING part!!! I was telling the dr about the little pooch on his belly (like cats get once they've been neutered). He started rubbing his belly, turned him over on his back & felt around...& he JUST LAID THERE!!! Even shut his eyes!! He won't lay on his back even for ME! I think my chin hit the floor. lol And, actually, the dr said he was a bit in shock over how he was taking it, too!! HAHA But for all of that, should be no worries. Just feels like fat deposits...no cysts or lumps or anything in places it shouldn't be. 2nd WHEW!! He got tested for feline leukemia...he's negative. Yay! Dr says he probably has a LOT of Maine Coon in him by the looks of him. And he weighs 7.25 lbs (I had no idea he was that heavy already!) Sooo...we go back in 3 weeks for his boosters. I'm supposed to try to catch a turd to take in for them to test, just to make sure everything else is normal, too. Then...in a couple months or so, we'll get him neutered. He wants him to spray 1st. Fuck!! You can't get rid of that smell!! UGH!! But...dr says the longer you wait & let them mature, the better chance they have later on of not having issues with their urinary tract...which makes sense. So...whatever is best for my little boy. I WAS SOOOOOO PROUD OF HIM!!! ;-) He was such a good boy!!




We came home & he's been normal. Not skittish or anything. Snuggling & all. Watched a couple movies & now it's almost time for bed. I'm ready for a day off!! HAHAHA ;-p

February Book Club Meeting...

We had our book club meeting last night. Sloppy Joes, french fries, potato salad, macaroni salad, chips & dip & my cupcakes. Yum!! I think I was the only one who really didn't care for Original Sin by Allison Brennan too much. I mean, it was OK...just...not enough that I'm excited about the rest of the series. *shrugs* We chose 2 books for this month. Ugh. I've never gotten through 2 when we've had them. PLUS...one of them is a spin-off of another series so I've now started the 1st of that original series, just to get some background info on this character. Which, this also means I hafta put aside Kim Harrison's Every Which Way But Dead for this month. *sighs* Anyway! So, after we ate & discussed books, we played Left-Right-Center. The 1st I'd heard of this game was at our xmas meeting. It's fun!! But I lost all 3 games. Oh, well. We still enjoyed it anyway. ;-) Karen gets downright RETARDED playing this game! LOL

I was off today. Got up, played on FB a little bit, cleaned kitty litter, vaccuumed, did the dishes, ate lunch (salad made from organic lettuce grown by one of our customers), watched a movie, took a nap, had dinner, watched another movie, started reading Halfway to the Grave by Jeaniene Frost, chatted with Angel a bit...now...I need to go to bed. 2 more days of work & then I'm off for TWO days!! WOOHOO!!! ;-) Except...Monday afternoon, Sebastian has a vet appointment. UGH!! I'm sooooo dreading that!! He freaks whenever someone comes in this apt...I can't even IMAGINE what he's gonna do at the vet's!! :/

V Day...FFS!!! *sighs*

Valentine's Day. What a crock of SHIT!! It is the *singlemost* loneliest day of the year...when you're single!! I've ALWAYS disliked Valentine's. Always. Since childhood.

You remember in elementary school, you used to get the stupid little Valentines from your classmates? I never got very many. Then in jr high...all the girls got balloons or flowers from their parents/boyfriend's parents & it was such a big to-do? Not once did I get to share in that notoriety. I don't remember anything much happening in high school. At least, nothing memorable anyway. But I never got anything then either. I lived my entire adult life getting through the day with nothing. The ONE year ('08) that I did have someone special in my life on that day...it wasn't a GOOD memory!! "Bittersweet" is what I've always tagged it as but...I digress. Because I'm refusing to talk about *Her* anymore. *sighs* Kathy sent me a rose arrangement last year but...you know that whole thing. I didn't want it so it never meant what it was supposed to have meant.

This day has literally SUCKED ASS! Ok, granted...not the ENTIRE day but...enough drama in a short amount of time tainted the whole day! It started with a text from Amanda. Stacy was on FB at the time, so I was chatting with her about it, too. You know, I am SO *over* the both of them at this point in time!! OMFG!

We have not worked with a full crew in almost a year now! I'm so fucken sick of it! It all started when Amanda hurt her stupid neck & we didn't see her for like 3 months. Now Stacy is going back to school (which I highly commend her for & wish her all the luck in the world!) so she's on PT. Kelli is perpetually unhappy--though, in her defense, she has gotten better the last month or so. I think she's finally accepted Cindy & the way the store runs now. But...between Amanda & Stacy...one of them calls out for *something*...seemingly ALL THE TIME...& what happens?! *I* get stuck on the counter!! What does that mean exactly?? It means...MY job...putting books away, spinners, both Rooms 3 & 4...get pushed to the wayside. This has been going on for so long now, that I am virtually overwhelmed with the rooms & the disheaval they are in!! :/ Cindy lets me come in on Sundays to put flats away but you know what...that's my fucken day off...just like everybody else!! I'd rather spend that day just crashing or doing whatever chores/errands that need to be done instead of being at work by myself doing my job that I can't GET to during the week cuz everyone is SOOOO FUCKEN SELFISH!!! Yeah, I call in, too. But you know what? I work every day, in pain. It is a way of life for me & has been since the accident in '99. When I call out, you can be for DAMN SURE I'm past the point of functioning!!!

*takes a deep breath*

We all know how Amanda works. If she even mentions she's not feeling well, we already know that she is going to call in, come in late or leave early. This, uncanny as it is, tends to happen before her scheduled day off & then she will undoubtedly take her day off, too. If she has plans to go out with friends or go on any kind of trip, she is going to come in late/leave early or call in. That's just how it is. Period. End of story. Oh...& this is at least once a week. THEN she has the gall to bitch when Kelli gets upset &/or offers an alternate suggestion--like today (the reason I got the text from Amanda, bitching about Kelli). She'd texted Kelli & told her she was sick & probably wouldn't make it all day tomorrow. Kelli suggested she come in late so that she can make it til 6. This pissed Amanda off & she immediately goes into a tyrade about Kelli being selfish & just wanting to be able to leave early. Ok. My response? I told her I got where Kelli is coming from. It is a HELLUVA lot easier to be short people in the mornings than it is later on. Secondly, Kelli is on salary & comes in every morning at 8ish so she leaves at 5ish--unless something happens & she can't leave. If *I* were Kelli...I'd be out the door, too!! FFS...if she puts in more than her 8 hrs, it cuts into her personal freedom time & reduces her pay rate! I mean, COME ON, Amanda...think about that!! Put yourself in HER place!

Now Stacy. I love her to pieces. More than anyone even knows. But...since she started school, she's getting on my last nerve! I GET it that she wants to drown her sorrows since all this shit happened with Tim. I honestly *GET* it! However, she does nothing but complain about Amanda & Kelli...taking time off. She didn't get her 2 Saturdays off this month cuz THIS Sat, BOTH Cindy & Kelli have somewhere they have to be. So she's bitching about that...cuz she "has so much homework to do!!" You know what? I've been there almost a yr & I have NEVER had a Sat off! So FUCK OFF!! Secondly...if she didn't go out drinking & hanging out with her friends every night...she could do her homework. I told her tonight, when she started bitching about it, that I've tried TWICE to go back to school while working! When you do that, you have NO life! Zip! Nada! None!! Work & school & that's it...there's no time for anything else!! Except...the 1st time I attempted it, I was going to class 3 days/wk, 8 hrs/day, had clinicals for 9 hrs/day twice/wk & was working graveyard shifts for 55-60 hrs/wk. I burnt out after a yr. I slept 2 hrs/day & lived off of coffee, Dr Pepper & chocolate. I didn't see my friends. EVER. The 2nd time, I was only working 40 hrs a wk, had night classes 3 days/wk but they were super involved writing classes with an hr commute every day...my weekends were dedicated to homework & household chores...plus the remaining nights during the week I wasn't in class! I lasted a semester.

I'm just sick of it. They both need to grow up & quit using Kelli as an excuse when their problems have absolutely nothing to do with her! She's at work more than either of them are!! To top things off, apparently Judy resigned from working at the store PT. Not sure what that's about at all but...maybe she's better off.

Happy Fucken Valentine's Day!! Gahhhh...

Productive Day...

Yesterday, for whatever reason, I decided I wanted to try & switch my days off this week. I was scheduled to have Thur off but I asked if I could have today off instead. Not sure why. Just...something inside me. No clue really. Anyway, the idea was to get some things done around here. Guess what? I succeeded!

3 loads of laundry, cleaned the bathroom, dishes, finished this month's book club book, watched a movie, had dinner...it's just after 7 pm & I'm about to start a new book. It rained most of the day, too. To say my spirits are down...would be an understatement. But...seriously...how is that different from any other day?? Anyway...I feel good getting everything done that I wanted to do. Well, almost. I didn't hang the bathroom mirror. Now the night belongs to my next book. Goodnight, cruel world...catch ya on the flipside!

Not According To Plan...

Well, my plan to do NOTHING today didn't really happen! Heh. That's the way it usually goes though. *shrugs*

I played on FaceBook a bit, watched a movie, mom called & wanted to come over later (she wanted to escape step-dad watching Super Bowl--you'd hafta experience this phenomenon to understand--lol) & then I took a nap. Got up just before she came over. We went to Wal-Mart, had dinner at IHOP, went to Walgreens & then came back here. She terrorized Sebastian for a while. lol Nothing that she was DOING---just his retarded being scared of people that come in here & hiding thing...haha. She put together his scratching post. She'd gotten him a new bear to play with, too. She left around 9. I checked on FB again & then read. Now it's time...erm...PAST time for bed & I'm wide awake! *sighs*

Expectations...

Last night was cool...but...not what I was expecting! Or, maybe, it's not so much of what I was "expecting" as what I was "hoping" for. There IS a difference.

When I got to da Vinci's, Stacy & Madison weren't there yet but Kelli, John & Carrie were. It was pretty cold so the band was inside (normally they play outside in the courtyard). I went in & sat with Kelli & them. Very close quarters & it was pretty warm in there. But...The Cook Trio...were AMAZING!! "Gypsy Jazz" is what it implies. It's old-time (20s-40s era) jazz redone with a Gypsy flair. And most of it was of a French influence. No lyrics--just music. Normally, I don't like music without lyrics. The lyrics are what *speak* to me. But these guys were just awesome! Loved it!! I debated on buying their CD but it's not the kind of music I'd listen to on any given day so I decided against it. I missed their 1st set since I didn't get there til 8 but I heard the whole 2nd set. However, by the end of that, I was way too hot, Stacy & them were in the courtyard & I needed a smoke since I'd finished my 1st Woodchuck & was getting a 2nd. So I left Kelli & them & went outside. They all stayed for the last set & then left.

Once I was a part of Stacy's group, I got to hear one of her friend's songs she's trying to get released. It's rap. Dirty rap...LOL. But she sounded SO good & I can easily imagine these 2 songs that I heard becoming hits if she can ever just get her break!! TOO FUNNY!! I'm becoming a lightweight so by the time I finished my 2nd Woodchuck, I just wanted to go to sleep!! :/ I was home before midnight.

John is supposed to come over sometime today & put Sebastian's scratching post together for me. Other than that, I plan on doing absolutely NOTHING today!! Staying in my jammies even! ;-) I shoulda probably done laundry but...I'll wait til Thursday. I just don't wanna. lol

Soul Soothing...

Going to go out with Stacy tomorrow night at DaVinci's to listen to "gypsy jazz". No clue what that even is but I'm mainly looking forward to 3 or 4 Kelly's Hard Ciders. It's time to get a good buzz on (doubt I'll get drunk!). The other night when I was at Publix, I was searching for some so that's how I know it's time. It's been a very long time & I need the release. I need to be out of my body & happy & giggly & not drowning in my memories. Stacy needs it, too. Ever since all this shit started with Tim, she's been drinking like every night. :/ I understand where she's at. Sad that she's there but get it, nonetheless. She is one of the only people that has been able to get under my skin. I'm going to enjoy having her nearby for this release. I think Kelli & John are gonna show up there, too. I dunno if they'll sit with us or what.

Complicated Day...

I didn't sleep much last night. Was up, reading, til about 1:30 am. Not up to read but was up so was reading. :/ Then...Sebastian woke me at 5:30ish am by knocking a box off the table. Ugh!!

And today was yet *another* anniversary date! I've been back in FL for a year today. I regret leaving Flagstaff. It was too much like Seattle & I loved the way I *felt* there. I don't regret leaving Kathy. Things would've gotten extremely ugly if I'd stayed there. She was trying her damndest to replace Kat in my life & I resented her for it. But I miss the town. I miss the scenery. I miss the culture. I miss the snow. I miss...the way it made me feel kinda close to Kat still...don't ask me how. It just did. *sighs*

Work was...relatively quiet. After I got in, I took my car in to get the front brakes repaired. Cindy dropped me back off at work. Kelli dropped me at the station to pick it up again when she went to pick Savannah up from school. Then I went to Publix after work to get some groceries for the month.

Got home, ate dinner, watched Message in a Bottle. I so didn't handle that one well! Ugh. Good movie. I'm just not in the right frame of mind for it.

I'm still thinking about the convo I had with Judy about Kat. She'd said... "How can you get on with the rest of your life while you limp along in your grief? Be more than she deserves. Be well and someone she may want in her life. And maybe by then you'll have found someone worthy of you." I...I'm struggling with that. I am broken without her. I was always like that, even when we'd just fight. I couldn't ever really figure out how to function when she wasn't an active part of my life. I *STILL* have not figured that out!! She would simply have to make some sort of conscious effort to repair the bridge between us & I would...well, I would relax & learn how to exhale again. I don't know how to be anything other than broken otherwise. Which means, I cannot be someone she may want in her life. I'm thinking...I never was. And I'm thinking...it's time to start internalizing these emotions once again. Sharing them only makes me miss her even more & makes me sound like a complete moron. Nobody *gets* it. And I feel even worse when I realize they think I'm stupid...so I'm done...I will go crazy all by myself, thank you very much.

Stupid...Stupid...Stupid...!!

Yes, unfortunately, I DO understand how stupid I sound to people!! I think it's partially why I've stopped trying to share my thoughts/feelings. To explain it to someone who hasn't lived it or experienced it is like...trying to explain to a man what it's like to be a woman. Or...explain to a white man what it's like to live as a black man. Severe core differences in the psyche that are impossible to explain to someone who can't conceivably grasp the concept of it. That's not a BAD thing!! Just...*sighs*...it's just futile to even attempt such an explanation because both parties will only end up frustrated.

Don't get me entirely wrong though...I'd give anything to stop being stupid. I'd give anything to NOT know what this feels like...

I'd give anything to stop suffering needlessly...

Monotonous...

I'm starting to slack with my blogging. :/ I'm slacking because...my life is becoming...monotonous. Nothing really changes too much anymore. I go to work, I play with Sebastian, I watch movies, I read, I sleep. I think about Kat. There's only so many times I can repeat those scenarios in a given week. *sighs*

However, I guess...there HAVE been some events to happen lately...

#1. I've met a new friend, Angel. Been talking to her for a couple of weeks or so now, I think. She friended me on MyDungeonSpace 1st. I've not been to MDS since...hell...early last spring?! The lifestyle is a part of me (even though it's never truly been practiced in the flesh). It's a massive part of my psyche nonetheless. But...I'm still not willing to give that part of me to anyone else & so I stopped going there cuz everyone I was meeting there was, of course, wanting that! In her 1st message to me, she said she's only looking for a friend...not a playmate. Being sub herself, eased my conscience even more. Talking to a Dom/me hurts me more than it helps usually. But the other night, Angel & I were talking & she was admitting that she'd like a girlfriend, too. She's just not *actively* looking. My shackles rose. And while she continued to talk of her "dream arrangement" of having her male Dom & her gf, living under one roof, my insides began to twist. My heart began to ache. It was almost word-for-word the same as the dream Kat wanted. Somehow or another, we started talking about Kat. When Angel commented "You truly care about her"...as a matter-of-fact statement to just random ramblings of mine...I froze. Well, YEAH. I always have! I still do. And that is the root of my problems! And this morning, Judy & I have been having a convo that concerned Kat, as well. I think I pretty much summed it by saying She was my "Great Love in Life". I continue to wait for her to take the opportunity to "fix" things...cuz she's the only one that CAN...even though I suffer while I wait. I can't "find someone new" when I can't give them what I no longer possess (my heart & soul). All of that being said, deep down...I know...I *know*...that she will never "fix" it. She's moved on. Whoever is in Texas, no doubt. *sighs* I dunno. Every day, I get a fraction more distanced from her & I don't hurt so horribly. Maybe what they say is true after all? Time heals all wounds. I guess, at this rate, in 10 years or so...I may not be quite so jaded as I am now...

Ahh. And another development. Stacy has been talking about divorce. I think, realizing she was in that *spot* with Tim...pretty much shocked me. I thought they were so happy & so perfect for each other! Finding out that they aren't...pretty much reinforces my disbelief in *love*! :/

Orlando Experience...

Ok, so last night was when I went to Orlando to meet Michele! This is how the story goes...

1st off, I was running late getting on the road. Didn't leave til 4:45 pm. About the time I hit downtown Orlando, traffic had halted to a crawl due to a lane closure! Took 20+ minutes to get past 2 exits! And traffic was heavy to begin with! Don't think I could manage going through that during *normal* weekday rush-hour on a daily basis without slitting my wrists! Bleh!! So I finally find her hotel, which is in the center of Disney-esque Universe (gag me!) & the 1st parking lot, I couldn't access without a room key! Sooo...I went to the BFE parking lot, off by the valet parking! Oh, the fun doesn't stop there!! LOL Once INSIDE the hotel, finding her ROOM was a whole *other* adventure!! OMG!! Simply ridiculous!! Nevermind the hotel itself was like a mini-city. I eventually find her & the moment I see her, it's like we've been seeing each other forever! NO awkwardness at all! Felt totally & completely at ease with her. She is, after all, the very SAME nut in person as online & on the phone!! *giggles* So we talked for a few minutes before heading out to the restaurant. Have I mentioned the traffic yet?! Yeah...umm...it didn't get any better *OFF* of I-4 either!! Holy crap!! And you can't just turn on a street & get to where you wanna go...you have to go in circles 1st!! Fuck me!! Geez...anyway, we finally get to the restaurant...parking lot is packed! Go figure, eh?? lol She'd chosen Kobe's Japanese Steakhouse. A place I've never been (nor have I experienced one of these kinds of places before). Inside is packed. Dozens of people were hanging out around the entrance, waiting to be seated. She's smart...she'd made a reservation! lol Good thing!! We woulda been there for HOURS! Ha! So my 1st reaction at the place is because of the waitresses/hosts. They were pretty much all dressed in traditional-looking kimonos & zoris. I was already smitten! :D Then our table was communal seating. I wasn't so impressed with this at 1st. We were seated with a family of 8, 1 girl was celebrating her birthday. She was pregnant & as best we could figure out, it appeared that she was drinking wine...WTF?! You have to keep in mind that I am *NOT* the adventurous type when it comes to food!! lol She made me try her saki. Erm...not HORRIBLE but not something I'd drink on *purpose* ever again! LOL 1st, we had soup. It was yummy. Like a mild french onion with mushrooms. Then came the salad. Ahh so...then the chef came & started the "show". He didn't cook...he ENTERTAINED us & it was *awesome*!! He started with the veggies, then noodles, then each person's choice of meat (lobster, shrimp, scallops, chicken, sirloin & filet mignon). Then the rice. An onion volcano...lol!! He made a mini volcano by stacking the rings of an onion & then set it on fire. The entire table went up in flames!! It was amazing!! ;-) SOOOOOO much food!! But I wasn't stuffed...full, but not stuffed! So when we left there, we attempted to drive down International Blvd for a bit to see what we could see. WAYYYYYYYYY too commercialized so we opted to head back to the hotel's bar! Erm...yeah, easier said than done! Have I mentioned the going in circles part yet? Yeah, so we had to go in circles for a little bit before we could get back on I-4! Holy hell. Finally get back to the hotel & we tested the 1st parking lot. Since I had her with me, we had a key! lol Drove in & drove out again to see if I could get out without a key. ASSUMED I'd be able to but that hotel is beyond ridiculous & didn't want to take the chance. lol It worked so I drove back in & we went to the bar, got drinks & headed back outside so we could smoke. We hung out for a long while, just chatting, smoking & drinking. At 11 pm, I decided to head home. Was a little buzzed from the gin & tonic, starting to feel a little sleepy & still had a hour+ drive ahead of me. I am *SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO* glad she realized I was close to where she was gonna be so we could meet up!!! *giggles*

Now we're in discussion about me flying to Baltimore (maybe sometime this summer) & she & I take a road trip up to Boston to see Heidi!! I can't wait!!! :D

Today, however, has been just a dead day! lol I have only managed to play on FaceBook, nap with Sebastian & watch a couple of movies! ;-p

Getaway!!

Sunday night, Michele & I were emailing back & forth & she told me that she's gonna be near Orlando this weekend for a Conference! Soooo...I'm gonna trek down there Saturday night to go hang out with her!! WOOHOOOOO!!! I'm so excited!! :D We've been friends for...uhh...*tries to think*...5 or 6 years now. Haven't actually met yet though. But, from the moment I met her online, she has never failed to crack me the hell up!! I <3 her so much!! :D I can't believe I'm actually gonna meet her, face-to-face! Come on Saturday!!!!!! hahaha

No Happy Wishes!!

Sooo...tomorrow (the 19th) is Kat's birthday. It is killing me NOT to send her well wishes for the day! After all, up until recently, it did my heart good to impart sentiments towards others. I was like that my entire life! Got such a rush out of making someone smile. Bleh. Whatever. I *can't* send her wishes though. For a few reasons. #1: She taught me--the HARD way--that birthdays, holidays, anniversaries meant shit to her. #2: She's successfully ignored my birthday for the past 2 years & I'm certain she'll ignore this year's, too. Those are my top 2 reasons for preventing myself from saying anything to her. A lesser reason is...Ben. If I were to say something, I don't want to take the chance of him finding out about it & having a freaking cow. She's in a situation that she allows. She had choices to make a year ago. 2 years ago. She made the wrong ones. That doesn't mean I don't still care about her & hope that she is ok nonetheless. Nevermind she can't be bothered about me. That's the hard part. Knowing she doesn't care...& knowing that I can't seem to STOP caring! Bleh. Whatever...c'est la vie...

Going Into Hiding...

When I went into work this morning, I checked the schedule to see what my day off next week was gonna be. I wasn't gonna have one! LOL So Kelli let me pick a day. I chose Monday. I don't *normally* like Mondays or Tuesdays off. Prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays. It breaks the week up better. But...I dunno...something spoke to me about Monday. I'd figure out why later on. lol Then, a little later, Kelli made the mistake of offering to let me go home early or calling Stacy & letting her take the day off (she was already coming in late). Uhh...yeah...I'll go home! It was then that I realized I'm not in a good place. Being sick the other night...well, that always throws me off balance anyway. But...my answer to her offer was "Yeah, I'll go home & nap!" Within moments it dawned on me that I truly meant that. I've been holding things in, avoiding things & I'm sinking. I want a nap so I'm not conscious. So I left at 3. Stacy wasn't happy. Not sure exactly what was eating her &, at any other time, I'd be concerned. Today...I'm not. I want to hide. And I'll take whatever opportunity I can get to do so! I'm sorry to anyone who feels slighted by that. Anyway, I came home & napped til 7:30! I'm off tomorrow & Monday. My plan is to just hole up in here, overdose on Sebastian snuggles, movies & reading!! For 2 freaking days!! Yeah!!! I think I need to go to Wal-Mart or Publix but I'll worry about that later on. Right now, I need to be swallowed whole...

Quiet but Semi-Productive...

I've been trying not to *think*...for the last few days. Guess that's evident by my lack of blogging, huh? Heh. Trying not to think isn't quite correct. I can't HELP but think! It's like a constant movie playing over & over in my head, 24/7 cuz it doesn't have a pause button! :/ I guess, to be more exact, I'm trying not to dwell. I *purposefully* allow myself to think & dwell &...I make myself sick. Physically. Is that ever going to stop?! *sighs* Anyway...now I'm DWELLING...FFS!

So I got up this morning. Yeah, it was still morning. 9ish am. I wasn't ready to be up but Sebastian couldn't lay low any longer. Ugh. Did 2 loads of laundry. Sebastian helped me fold it. And by "helped", I mean...he kept taking off with my rolled up pairs of socks, playing with the string ties, chewing on buttons, reapplying the loose cat hair that had been removed by the washer...yeah, he helped! ;-p I did the dishes. That happens daily though. Can't go more than a couple of days cuz I don't have enough stuff! lol Guess that's a good thing!? Did some online job hunting. Re-checked my income tax submission. It's correct, I think. I wasn't sure after getting a rogue 1099-G from OK Tax Commission! Still no idea what that's about even though I now realize that 1099-G is for unemployment compensation, etc (which I never got). Kinda useless information to have if it still doesn't explain anything...lol. I read some. Been fighting sleep since about 3 pm. So I'm not really able to read any more...it'll surely put me out if I do! I almost feel like I'm drugged or drunk...no idea what that's about. *shrugs* Watched a movie, an episode of Californication...& now it's all of 8 pm!! OMG! Why isn't it midnight yet??? Guess I'll watch some more movies...otherwise, I'll start to dwell...

Reflections...

Judy has been writing a monthly newsletter for a long time now. For the customers & friends of the book shop, book news, family news, etc. She usually includes blurbs about what each of us is currently reading. The newsletters have been well received by the people. She's continued to do them even after Cindy bought the store. I'm not sure how long she'll keep doing them though. I think I've only read 2 of them since I've been working there, when I'd remember to go to the website to check em. But she forwarded me this month's newsletter last night. The blurb about me was this:

Mel, when not blogging, is reading Nice Girl's Don't Have Fangs by Molly Harper (the first installment of a funny, smart, and sexy new romantic series by a debut author introduces Jane Jameson, an out-of-work small-town librarian who is turned into a vampire.) I'm not surprised that this is labeled "funny". Mel has a very infectious laugh. Come by and see if you can get a giggle out of her.

A couple things here. Blogging. Judy made a comment the other day that my blogs break her heart. I let the comment go without acknowledgement. I wasn't sure what to say to that. So what'd I do? I chuckled half-heartedly. Which leads into the 2nd thing! Giggles. Ok, so I'm not blogging to hurt anyone. It's never been my intention. Or to make anyone feel sorry for me. Blogging helps get the thoughts & feelings somewhere other than just inside me. It's a form of therapy. And giggles...yes, well, I do that a lot, I admit it. Naturally, I laugh when something is funny to me. But I also chuckle when I have no idea what to say, or I'm embarrassed or I'm scared, nervous, uneasy, etc. Judy has said (several times) that she hired me cuz of my giggle. I've gotten lots of compliments on my giggles. I, however, tend to think I sound retarded & try to reign myself in a lot of times. o.0 Kathy always said she loved my giggle. And, thanks to her, I discovered that I also giggle during sex! I guess that's when all of the above mentioned emotions are all wrapped up into one! Ha! Whatever. *shrugs* So I've been thinking about all of this for a couple of days now, right? The giggles led to Kathy which led to me reflecting on last year with Kathy. We would've NEVER worked out! I'm intensely aware of that. I miss the friendship with her though. But we were just way too different on the core levels. Even though she was offering me *almost* everything I was wanting from Kat...I couldn't. I didn't want it from her. At the time, it'd been less than a month since my world had exploded. I was nowhere near the point of being able to accept the most intimate of relationships from anyone. Over a year later & I'm *still* not able to let anyone that close to me! In all honesty, I don't think I will ever be able to let anyone close to me again. Ever. That being said, leads me to think on things Amanda & Stacy have both said--multiple times. That...one day...I will wake up & realize that I am finally *OK* with what happened & am over it & willing to let someone else try to love my giggle. Amanda said the other day, that I feel like this...that I say "Never again!" & I truly MEAN it...that I feel like this & say I'm done *forever* but...really...I'm just saying forever right now. It'll pass. Eventually. I'll stop hurting. One day. And I laugh at them when they say this shit to me cuz I can't see past my definition of "forever"...right now! Heh. Funny, huh? :-)

It's not so funny. Really, it's not. I totally can't see myself out of this darkness because a key element has yet to be severed between Kat & I. And, because of that, there is a tiny flame that continues to flicker & burn, encouraging hope & creating the reasons why I continue to wait for her. After everything, I would still let her back in because of those remaining ties. I still belong to Her. And it's killing me softly...

Hell's Frozen Over...

Hell must've frozen over cuz...it was SLEETING in Central Florida this morning!!! LOL Amanda & Stacy kept calling it "snow" & I was cracking up. They have NO clue what snow is! ;-p Weatherman is saying it's possible for this to occur again through the next several days but...we ALL know how correct they usually are! ;-) We'll see...

I've been fighting sleep since about 9:30. Laying here with Sebastian curled up around my neck, purring away...just sets me at ease & comfort. It's the little things in life that are important...he is one of my few!

Made brownies & burnt them to a crisp. Tried to watch We Were Soldiers but...well, yeah...apparently, I *still* can't cope with anything military related. *sighs* So I was just laying here, listening to my baby boy purr happily & I almost drifted off into La-La Land. Guess I'll do it officially now (with the lights off & computer shut down!) It's cold. Time for snuggling. Funny how completely different the meaning of that is for me this year as opposed to last year at this time. :/ Life is so funny. Not "ha ha" funny but...ironic. I tend to find a LOT of irony in my life...why is that?? :/

Dinner & Drinks...

So Cindy is getting ready to take off on a 2 week trip to Chile. Kelli came up with the idea for us to have a Girl's Night Out to send her off with. We went tonight. Me, Stacy, Amanda, Cindy, Lori & Kelli all piled into Dublin's. The place was pretty much empty. Their food was really good! They didn't have Kelly's Hard Cider but I tried Woodchuck's instead. It's another cider but Kelly's is raspberry so this was a bit of a different flavor. Not bad! I still prefer Kelly's though. And I had fried mushrooms. We talked & laughed & had a good time. We usually do! ;-) However, after a few sips of the Woodchuck's, my nose stuffed up & I got a bad headache. :/ Stacy says I must be allergic to some ingredient in it. Nose is ok now & the headache is lessening. Think I'll watch a movie before bed & cuddle up with Sebastian to get warm. Peace out, ya'll!

Shhh...

Facebook. Played & cuddled with Sebastian. Read a little. Made brownies. Watched some of Season 1 of Californication. Took a nap. Dinner (major comfort food night). More Californication & reading. Shhhhh...it's been a vewy, vewy, vewy quiet day...

Stumbling Block In My Day...

I had a massive stumbling block right in the middle of my day today. Out of the blue, after 2 months of nothing...Kat texted me. A bunch. With the same excuse. She's not been online. I still don't get that! When she tells me she's not been in touch cuz she's not been online much...she tells me this usually in a text...on my phone...that has nothing whatsoever to do with the internet. o.0 I just don't get it. *sighs*

We were crazy busy at work. It took an Act of Congress just for me to be able to reorganize & put away a flat & a half of paranormals. Rest of the time, I was stuck on the counter. I'm *SO* used to not getting texts anymore that my phone stays in my purse most of the time. I heard it beeping & had to wait a couple of mins for my heart to start beating again, for me to remember how to breathe again...all while NOT beginning to cry when I saw the 1st 2 messages sitting in my inbox. I...I dunno. The rest of the afternoon was spent feeling instantly & painfully aware of the emotions all surging through me simultaneously. Sadness, grief, pain, fear, jealousy, thrilled, *connected*, anger, lonely...but, mostly, just sad. She said she'd been reading my blogs & that made me feel...hopeful? If nobody else ever reads them...that's fine. But if she reads them...I...I feel...priviledged? Special. She actually took time out of her day to pay some attention to me. How horribly pathetic is that?! :-( No matter what I tell people, no matter what I tell myself...I know that any ounce of interest she shows just makes my world ecstatic because my soul still belongs to her...no matter how short-lived that thrill is. Then she goes away again & the emptiness is even greater than before. She says that sometime in the summer, she's leaving Ben & moving to Texas. I can't even BEGIN to describe my feelings the moment she said that. My 1st reaction was...NO!!!!!! I moved to FL...almost as physically far away from Seattle that I can possibly get...you CANNOT come closer!!! Defeats the whole purpose & breaks down my resolve & my walls & makes the distance between us smaller. My next thought was...WTF is in TX?! And then it dawned on me. If I didn't already know it before (& just too stubborn to let go of the *possibility*)...she's moved on. Irrevocably & undeniably. She's leaving Ben & leaving WA...to go to someone else. And there it was. In all it's glory. My stumbling block. I had to go to the bathroom to collect myself & contain the flood of tears & the crushing sensation that was enveloping me like a pool of warm molasses. There it is...& I have never felt so utterly & indescribeably insignificant in my entire life. I've never before felt that level of...loneliness & emptiness...& I honestly don't know how to handle myself over it. I can't quit crying. And I don't even know what I'm crying FOR...

Why the hell is she still able to affect me like this?? I can't handle it. I can't break like this again all over again. But it's a tidal wave that I've zero power to stop...

BRRRR!!!!!

It's freaking *COLD*!!!!! Gah!! :-( Ok, ok, yeah, I know! This time last year I was surrounded by 6' snowbanks & 13 degrees for 2 1/2 months. But...those condos had good heat! ;-p Last night, it was 36 degrees here. Tonight & tomorrow night are supposed to be in the 20s. I am in the attic. NO heat. Apparently, little insulation...lol. I have a space heater thingy. It takes the sting out of the air but doesn't exactly warm the place up.

Amanda & I went to the pet store this morning. Their yard sale consisted of 3 ratty looking bird cages & a dozen some odd aquariums in not-so-great shape. Yippee. lol But we got to hang out for a few so it was cool! ;-)

When I got home, I went to Wal-Mart. Got a comforter for $15 & have been comfy cozy the rest of the day!! :D Erm...as long as I stay under the covers, that is! LOL Sooo...Sebastian & I have been snuggling & watching movies all day. hahaha

I've *SO* got to do laundry on Tue! UGH!!! It's gonna be an ALLLLLL day affair at this point! :-(

Fast!!

Today went by *SO* fast!!

Sebastian was BIZERK last night! OMG!! He was *literally* climbing the walls between 3 & 6 am. I finally put him in his carrier so he'd calm down & I could nap before going to work. He's not been in his carrier since the 1st week that I brought him home! :/ But...I was desperate for him to stop making noise. I know Joe & Judy could hear him!! *sighs* And...I was desperate to get a little sleep.

I didn't go into work til noon but...MAN!! That place was a freaking ZOO!!!! Was just me, Amanda & Cindy (& Lori but she doesn't work the front so she doesn't really count). As crazy as it was though...it was good cuz the day just FLEW by! Well, until it hit 4 pm & then it started dragging. :/

Amanda was telling me about the pet store her friend works at is having a yard sale tomorrow. We're gonna go together. I'm not real sure WHY I agreed to being up & out of the house by 9:30 am on my day off! lol But...maybe I'll find something cute for Sebastian to make it worthwhile. *shrugs & smiles*

Shit. It's already after 1 am. Seems like I just got home from work! :/ And I'm wide awake! Ugh.

I'm pissed off at Netflix!! BOTH seasons of Dead Like Me on the Instant play is missing episodes!! Only a couple (the last 2) from Season 1 but there's 5 or 6 missing from Season 2! What a ripoff!! *pouts*

Saw on FB tonight that 1 of my 5th grade teachers (my favorite of the 3 that year & really, almost my top favorite from all 12 yrs of school) has had a stroke! I'm guesstimating that she's probably in her mid 70s now. I'm anxiously awaiting updates on her condition.

I need to sleep. I need to do laundry. It's cold. Gonna get colder in the next couple of days. Leaving the heater on at night while I sleep makes me nervous but I don't think I really have a choice unless I wanna freeze. Laundry is gonna wait til Tue, I think. I'm not in the mood for it tomorrow. I'm feeling really random. Random & alone. Restless. Incomplete.

Tanya's birthday is the 6th. Today was so freaking nuts that I forgot to take time to find her a card. Will do it Monday, I guess. So it'll be late. :/ How much does that really matter anyway??

The day is gone in a flash. Life is too short & friends are too few...ahhh. :/

1st Day of New Year...

Soooo...Sebastian & I were asleep by midnight! lol The *epitome* of "boring", eh?? ;-p Oh, well. It is what it is. I didn't sleep well though. Was awake several times & then got up at 5:30 am. So I've been fighting the urge to fall asleep for hours already. It's not even 8 pm yet!! GAH! :/

Neenah contacted me on Yahoo last night before I fell asleep. Haven't spoken to her in...well, I dunno when but it's been a long while. The convo consisted of her asking how I was. "Fine". I asked how she was. "Fine". That was it. What a waste!! Why even bother with contact at all?! She should be more like Kathy. Completely non-committal to the point of zero response at all. *snorts* Or just fall off the face of the Earth like Kat does so well. WTFever. I'm so done with giving a fuck about all 3 of them!! They know how to find me if they wanna speak. It's not my place to go after them anymore...

I went in to work for 4 hours today. Got flats put away. Didn't touch the ton of boxes in the garage at all though. Not sure when that'll happen. I have GOT to straighten rooms 3 & 4!! They are both disaster areas!! :/ The kicker is getting Stacy & Amanda to handle the front (they'd have to actually BE there for that to happen) so that I can get back there & do MY job. *SIGHS* Cindy wanted me to create a FB profile for the store. I know it can be done. Chrissy has her account as her store. But...FB kept rejecting the store name. Kept saying it wasn't a real name. No clue what to do about that!

I sent in my resume to that place Judy had told me about. Doesn't sound like she described it though. Sounds more like cold-calling sales calls...which I CAN'T do!! But we'll see what happens.

I wanna go to sleep. *whines* But...it's too early still. :-( So I'm about to finish up Season 1 of Dead Like Me & then I'll start Season 2. Sooooo much excitement in my life that I can barely handle myself!! LMAO!! ;-p

New Year...& Stuffs...

So...Sebastian is utterly *infested* with fleas!! UGH!! :-( No idea where they came from either for him to be so covered so quickly. :/ I gave him a bath Wed & his entire head was just SWARMING with them!! They were running into his ears, eyes, nose & mouth. I was just beside myself! The fact that he was bleeding, too, didn't help my panic level. No idea where he was bleeding from but the water was completely ruddy! *sighs* So Kelli brought over some Advantage last night. He, of course, being the socially inept kitteh that he is, spazzed out & hid til she was gone. I applied it a few minutes later. Then the rest of the night he was just SPAZZ-TASTIC!! OMG. *scratch* *scratch* *lick* *lick* *lick* *lick* *scratch* SPAZZ ATTACK!! Runnnnnn!!!!! SPAZZ ATTACK!!!! *scratch* *scratch* *lick* *lick* *lick* Til after midnight sometime. *sighs* I woke up this morning with him under the covers, curled around my feet...lol. He feels better today. Not as scratchy. No spazzing. And he's back to just licking me! ;-p Hopefully...it's working & he's getting some relief!! I *SO* suck at being a Mommie!! *cries*

The store is closed tomorrow but since I've been stuck up front for days, I have flats piled up of books that need to be put out. Not to mention, a lady brought a carload AND a truckload of boxed up books in today that need to be processed sooooo...Cindy asked if I'd come in tomorrow & put books away & process...for time & a half. I had nothing planned but laundry. It can wait! LOL Depending on how much I get done tomorrow, I may go in on Sun, too.

So, yeah, Happy New Year & all that BS! ;-p I don't eat out very often anymore. Can't afford it. But...since it's New Year's Eve & all...I treated myself to Pizza Hut. :-) Not like I got invited to go anywhere tonight anyway. Not that I would've gone!! That kiss at midnight thing is just plain awkward & embarrassing unless you're with someone...

Speaking of New Year's...2010 has GOT to be better than 2009! I mean, no friends, no lovers, no partners, no family, no friends with benefits, no nothing means...no drama, no pain, no heartache. Therefore, I can ONLY deduce that this year will be better than last...right?? Whatever. Cest la vie...

12-27...A Year Later...

Sometime yesterday while I was at work, the internet quit working! Judy wasn't home when I got home. I fixed dinner & watched the only Netflix dvd that I had. Judy got home at 9 & started trying to fix the internet. I was fit to be tied at this point! LOL In the past, I would've been that way with no internet cuz of my "friends" online. Not anymore. I have that shitload of movies in my Netflix Instant that expire on the 1st & I don't want to lose em before I can watch em! lol *shrugs* Anyway, around 10, she figured out the router had taken a shit! UGH!! :-( Sooo...I started reading. Went to sleep around 11 pm. Woke up at 3 am & read untl 7 am. Went back to sleep til 11:30 am. Still no internet. And, yes, I knew what today was. But, I think, in a way, I was trying NOT to dwell on it! Maybe why I was so nuts about not being able to just watch movies all day! :/ So then Judy brings me a stack of dvds to entertain me til her & John can get the new router working...lol. Took them all afternoon! Finally got internet back around 5 pm & guess what I've been doing since?! Watching movies!! LOL

Today...the date...has been constantly niggling at the back of my mind since...well, hell...for WEEKS now! A year ago today, my world was shattered in Seattle. I keep remembering bits & pieces of the day. Like: Anna being there & helping bring my stuff out. I couldn't look at her. She wasn't supposed to be there!! I remember shoving the Weird Washington book at Kat & dropping the manicure set on the ground. Rachael's matted photograph that I loved so much. Xmas presents. I remember getting to Sea-Tac only to discover Enterprise wasn't located there! Had to go back to Federal Way to drop off the car, get a cab back to Sea-Tac...only to have missed my flight & got on standby for the next one. I remember it was starting to snow...again. I remember feeling completely hollow & empty. I remember being completely nervous meeting Kathy at Phoenix. I remember that ride from Phoenix to Flagstaff & the snow reappearing. I remember not completely being able to deal with my emotions of those 1st few days...not til months later. And that is where I am now. Emotionally void of it all. A year later. I'm still angry & hurt about everything. Losing all of the hopes & dreams I had in an instant. Losing the family that I'd grown to love. Losing my Mistress & best friend. Being abandoned. Being broken. It's all still there...a year later. Still there, still aching, still burning, still breaking me. But maybe I'm finally just accepting that it is what it is & I almost ignore the pain of it now? The pain is just a part of my psyche at this point.

And so...I go back to watching movies so I can ignore the pain...

Good Riddance, Xmas!!

Thank Gawd that's OVER!! Ugh. Actually...the day wasn't horrible. Though...technically, for me, it was just *another* day. I did really well in not acknowledging that it was "Christmas". I think I actually only voiced the sentiment "Happy Holidays" to a handful of people. Mostly my response when the sentiment was thrown at me was "Thanks. You, too!" That is the equivalent of saying "Ditto"...right?? ;-) Anyway...I was at my mom's by 1 pm to eat lasagna & watch The Hangover. That was a hilarious movie!! :D I'd heard of it but because I no longer watch tv, I hadn't seen any trailers for it & so I had no clue what it was supposed to be about! haha It was great! The girly screams were the BEST!! *giggles* I was home by 6 pm. I have a shitload of movies in my Netflix Instant queue that are expiring on the 1st so I will be watching movies almost nonstop for the next few days. lol *shrugs* That's ok cuz the book I'm on now, I'm having a helluva time getting into. :/ Well, off to work in a few...

Xmas Eve...

I am *officially* pathetic!! :/ Earlier, I was eating spaghetti, watching Return To Me, crying & Sebastian was alternating between licking the garlic bread & licking the tears from my cheek. :/

I'm gonna read now. No sappy shit in the books that I read...*sighs*

Bah humbug...

Alone...

Time. It's a quirky little thing...

All I can think about is getting off tomorrow at 2 pm & coming home so I can be alone. Be able to watch movies & read. Sleep. Snuggle with Sebastian. Time to just not care. Then I'm off Fri. Hafta go to my mom's for dinner (1 pm) but I don't plan on staying long after. Wanna be back home. To be alone. I work regular hours Sat, off Sun, regular hours Mon & off Tue. I'm craving having so much time off right now. It's a necessity really. I need the down time just to be able to get through this *time* alone. However, I'm gonna be hating life when I get my sorry paycheck! :/ Whatever. It is what it is & I gotta do what I gotta do. I'm replaying this timeframe from last year repeatedly in my mind. I don't know how to stop that. I just know that I need to make it through this time...

Snow, Snow Everywhere...but Here!!

Almost all of my peeps on FB are getting snow & are posting pics of their snowfall. It makes me...sad. Lonely. It's a reminder. The worst part of it is that I have several friends in the Seattle area even! *sighs* And, I realize, that I miss it. Which is odd. All of my life, I've *HATED* cold weather & snow. That's why Florida was such a perfect fit for me. The 9 years I lived here before...I felt *home* simply because I never had to deal with cold weather. Now...I feel alien here. Out of place. Last year, when it 1st started snowing, I started freaking out. But, somehow, Kat & the girls managed to turn those feelings around. She made it magical, exciting, fun, beautiful. Watching Bella romp around in it as happy as a pig in mud was hilarious. I...you know, I just don't get it. She abandoned me, snowed in for a week, I couldn't leave the house. 2 days after xmas, my world shattered & I was tossed out in the cold, alone, without any of my belongings & I had to figure out how to be safe overnight until I could get my things from her & make my way to the airport to escape Seattle. You would think...that the bad memories would turn me completely against snow. Just like the bad memories have turned me against almost everything else (friendship, love, trust, faith, xmas!)...

I don't know why I miss snow. I don't know why I miss the Seattle area. Except that the short time that I was there, I felt like I was *home* again...

UGH!!

Today was a very long-ass day!! :-( It seemed as if I'd never get home, away from people. I was grouchy, on edge, nervous, even somewhat pissed off. I just have ZERO ability to deal with people right now. I don't want to deal with people. I just want to hermitize, bury my head, crawl under the covers & forget that anything exists. But, once I got home, all of that drifted away. Had dinner & have been reading ever since. Finally finished the 1 book for book club. I've gone back to the one I started ages ago that Amanda had given me. I have a few of those...that I started & then stopped to start another one for book club. :/ Now I'm getting sleepy though. I'm off tomorrow. I plan on another all-day-in-jammies day. I can't muster enough energy for anything else...

Lazy Sunday!!

Today has been quite the lazy day, just like I wanted! I've been in my jammies ALLLLLL day! ;-p I've really enjoyed it. The only thing "productive" that I've done today is wash dishes...heh. ;-)

Sebastian has seen his reflection in the mirror & does NOT like it one bit!! lol Of course, he spazzes out whenever someone other than me comes in the apt, too! Ha! I really shouldn't be too surprised about that. He's just like his Mama---socially inept! ;-p

He got a bath today finally. The one I've been putting off since I got him. lol But he got it cuz I saw worms on his butt & I freaked out! :/ Gotta get him some meds. But he actually survived the bath better than I expected. He LOVES his brush!! LOL

Other than that, I watched the 3rd ep of Dexter on the dvd that I have & have read all afternoon. 1 of the 2 books that were assigned for last month for book club. lol I'm only halfway through it!

I did play around with my digital camera settings a bit. I've not been impressed by the shots I've been getting but I'm not a manual reader either. :/ I, really...I've had every intention of asking Kat for tips...seeing as she is the one that recommended this particular camera. *sighs* But...she's not available.

It truly is ironic how few things in my life do NOT remind me of her or the family in some form. It's pathetic actually...

Oh, well...back to reading I go...

Busy!!

Today was NUTS! And I didn't even get the full effect of it! I finished my project but got pulled away countless times to help with customers. I'm just glad I finished it.

I want to be a hermit tomorrow. I'm off & I just wanna stay inside all day. I think I may need to go to Publix though. *sighs*

I wanna nap. It's almost 8:30 pm. lol I COULD nap & be up in the middle of the night. I dunno. Maybe I'll just watch the 1st disc of Season 3 of Dexter. I really just wanna sleep & not do anything or...something. *shrugs*

Tiny Project...

Today wasn't bad. Worked on a tiny project of swapping 2 sections of books in room 3 today. Wouldn't have been affected by the massive overhaul that's coming anyway. But I only got halfway done. Hopefully can finish up tomorrow. Just gonna be me, Cindy & Kelli tomorrow so dunno. Yay. Go me. Ugh. *rolls eyes* I'm aching now though from the moving of those hardbacks all day. :/ Stacy suggested the heating pad. Might hafta. :/ Cindy replaced the main computer that's been shot to hell for a while now. I helped Stacy with the set-up but we can't get it to see the network connection so there's no internet access. BrightHouse & Office Depot tech supports were completely useless!! *shock*

It's movie time. And heating pad time. And...Sebastian snuggles time. Peace out...

Stress-Free!

Today was a decent day. Was just us minions there today (me, Stacy, Amanda & Lori), no bosses (Kelli & Cindy). I like those days. There's no stress! When both Cindy & Kelli are there, you can cut the tension with a knife! :/ Either 1 of them there without the other is ok, too. Not that I necessarily feed into the tension too much. I just can't. I've got too much going on in my own bubble to take on anything else. But, still, it affects me enough that I don't like being there.

Mike (Cindy's hubby) came in to show me & discuss the options he has for adding onto the shelving units in Room 3. I'm excited! I'm *SO* ready to get this project started!! I'm not looking forward to the weeks & weeks of shifting & moving an entire room of books but I'm ready for the end result. My OCD has me going nuts the way that room is set up right now.

I'm tired. Didn't go to sleep til 2 am & was up at 5:30 am. :/ Think I'll watch a few eps of The Hunger. It's a Showtime series from the late 90s that I found on Netflix. It's...ummm...quite bizarre!! LOL Then maybe I'll read before I crash. I've GOT to start devoting more time to reading!! I have no room left in my bookcase for the books I wanna read! ;-p

Somber-ness...

Today was...a really...low-key kinda day for me. It wasn't intentional. Just...no joy. Not sad. Just...blah. So, on those days, I tend to be really quiet. Everyone at work noticed. Ugh. *rolls eyes* Kelli came as the spokesperson for the 3 of them & asked if I was ok. I *am* ok. Just...I hate this time of year. I have for years. I always get a little down anyway. This year, it feels a lot worse than in years past. *sighs* Then Stacy came out to have a smoke with me once & she was talking to me. It bothered her that I wasn't giggly & normal. Again, not intentional & nothing I can really do to lift that mood. She kept saying we need to have a Girls Night & get me drunk so I can cry it out or whatever. lol What she doesn't understand is that I already cry. A lot. Crying doesn't help. Just makes me frustrated! :/ Me...drunk...when I'm like this...does NOT make for a good combo! ;-p Getting drunk is not what I need. I need time. About 2 weeks...lol. Get past these stupid freaking holidays!! Then I can go back to my normal low. Ha! *shrugs*

So we had our monthly book club meeting tonight. Not our NORMAL meeting, of course (freaking holidays ruin yet something else!). lol No, really...it was fun. We ate (like normal) but had more desserts than normal. And we added alcohol to the mix! haha I had 2 shots of Tequila Rose. Had never even heard of that before! YUM!! And a daquiri. Maybe Stacy is right...? I did feel a little better after the shots...hmm. Anyway, then we had our Chinese Ornament Exchange. That was funny! I ended up with a little black penguin. He'll blend into my black xmas tree! ;-) Then we played a game called Left-Right-Center. A dice game. I'd never heard of it either. I won the 1st pot. Jen won the last one. Then it was 9 pm & Judy, Amanda & Stacy were leaving so I left, too. I'm gonna be up late cuz I'm out of my routine but I did need to go ahead & come home to start unwinding.

Sebastian was just RETARDED when I got home! LOL O. M. G. He was talking (or rather...squeaking cuz he hasn't exactly learned how to meow yet!) non-stop & ALLLLLL over me for like an hour! Granted, this is the 1st time since I've had him that he's been home alone for 12 hours... :/ He's calmed down now but he's not venturing too far away from me yet.

Maybe I'll watch this vampire movie of Lori's. I'm gonna be up anyway. And I've started *really* slacking with FB. I don't think I've updated my status since Saturday...

An Urge To Write Again...

I'm back! Wow. It's been...8 months since I last wrote here. I started getting the urge to start writing again earlier so...here I am. You know, that comes & goes with me. Wanting...or, rather, needing to write. It's always been a form of therapy for me.

So...a LOT has happened in the last 8 months! Let's see...yes, Kat & I randomly still speak. No, nothing has been resolved with us. Yes, I'm still in love with her & still miss her. Or maybe I'm not in love with her?! I was asked the other day how I could love someone that treated me as she has. The short answer is...I dunno! I miss the girls. I miss Bella. Hell...some part of me even misses Ben. Apparently they have been having issues the last few months. Even have discussed divorce. But I don't know very much of what's going on cuz she doesn't talk to me. Has every access available & just ignores it. Some things never change...

I am still working at the bookstore I interviewed at just before I stopped writing. I like it. Lots of changes have happened there, too. Judy sold the business to Cindy in September. The changes she's made have caused tidal waves...lol. Kelli is perpetually unhappy. I've gotten close to Amanda & Stacy. Joined a Paranormal Book Club with Amanda. Not that I ever finish any of the specified books! lol I may have to really start looking for another job though. I'm not making enough money here & now that I have a vehicle & an apartment...life is hard to afford! :/

Uhh...let's see...Neenah & I went our separate ways in June. She's no longer my Cookie. I miss her but...it was her choice. Although, we've kinda almost sorta reconnected now...she's back on my FB, at any rate. All of the hell I've been through with Kat...I now have a super fantastic aversion to chasing people. You know, me always being the one to contact them, always me putting forth the effort to maintain the friendship. I simply can't do it. With anyone. And so, Neenah & I drifted apart. The same situation (only a little more involved) happened with Kathy. We don't speak at all. She's completely deleted from everything she was attached to. Fuck her. Tanya & I reconnected. I still have small issues with that. Sometimes it just feels like normal & everything is as it was. But sometimes, I get a little freaked out. Trust issues, you know? I have them with *EVERYONE* now. Lee & I rarely chat anymore. I refuse to chase her, too. So...life is quiet for the most part. Not many people remain in my circle.

New apartment. :-) Just before Thanksgiving, I moved out of my mom's & closer to work. I rent a studio apartment from Judy. It's her attic. lol I'm happy here!! :D I feel like I'm grown again...haha. Oh!! And I have a baby boy. His name is Sebastian! See below. ;-)







And here it is, almost xmas. Almost D-Day. D-Day = 1 year anniversary of my world exploding in Seattle. I've yet to recover. And, I'm noticing, that I'm withdrawing into myself the closer those dates come. Maybe why the urge to write again? *shrugs* No idea. Zero xmas spirit. I despise the holiday now. Bought a black xmas tree to commemorate that. After all, last xmas, I was abandoned & snowed in for a week, when she SWORE she'd not do that to me...then 2 days later, my world was in chaos. Not sure I will EVER have xmas spirit again after that.

So, anyway, I'm back. For now. And updated. Somewhat. We'll see how it goes...lol

A Muted Recovery...

After 6 hours of silence tonight, she wins...

My attempting to reconnect with her in this last couple of weeks, let her close again, talk to her...was NEVER about her! Had absolutely zero to do with her & her feelings at all. It was an attempt in finding a way for me to recover from her from the past year & a half & *especially* the last 3 months or so. I need closure with this. If I can't get it, I don't know that I'm ever going to be able to be anywhere near whole again.

But she's a selfish c*nt. I took off my rose-colored glasses finally. I don't give away everything just to show her respect that she threw away the ability to command. I see her for what she is rather than the fake entity she portrayed herself as in order to snare me so long ago. She's pure evil. And weak. And fake. And I hate her so very much for that.

So she wins. It can now go back to being all about her again. I'm not involved whatsoever. Not with her anyway. I hope her biggest fear doesn't happen so that she ends up being alone thinking it's still all about her...I can't manage to hate her that much to wish that upon her...& yet I'm the evil one! Go figure....

Let's Just Avoid It...

It's been 2 days now & neither of us have spoken to each other. I was off yesterday, too. She wasn't online much, I don't think. Her Yahoo status was either idle or "**sleeping**" all day & night. I gave up at midnight & went to sleep. I turned my Yahoo on on my phone at my lunch break. She wasn't online. She's not online now either. Or...she's invisible to me. Whatever. I don't want to contact her. I don't want to give in to her. I don't want to give in to my own emotions. I don't want to miss her or need something to be said that's civil. But I do anyway...fuck. *sighs*

I just can't figure out why I can't stop giving a shit. As much damage as she's done...I still...ffs. I wish I were the evil being she thinks I am. I *wish* I could do her harm or wish it upon her. Better yet, call it up on her, purposefully. I wish I could be everything she thinks I am. Then maybe it wouldn't matter so much that she thought those things....

Saying Goodbye...

I think I know that I have to finally & unequivocally just give up. Throw in the towel. Accept the wrongs against me. Accept that I can't right anything that's happened. Accept that I have no choice in the matter. Just...accept it...all of it...& go on. I can't say "move on" cuz I truly think I've died...my soul...has died in this spot right here. It was only hanging on by a mere thread anyway. A tiny shred of hope kept breathing a bit of life into it every so often. Just not enough to sustain it any more. But I can't keep trying. I can't keep trying when I'm the only one that thinks there's a reason to try. I can't keep holding onto the past & believing her lies. I can't keep falling for her lines. I can't just "trust her" & let her lead the way cuz she's let me down so many times already with that. I can't. I can't keep lying to myself about her...I will not survive this if I keep trying to see the good in her. I just won't survive it....

I just can't tell her goodbye. And that's hard...extremely difficult...almost impossible for me to do. Needing closure is huge for me. Not saying it will mean forever open, raw sores. Learning to live with those will take talent & determination. Of which...I don't think I have nor have the strength to search for anymore...

*sighs*