This Wasn't A Monday!

At 7 am, got a FB message from Kelli...she was gonna sleep in & show up whenever. lol Was ok. Manda was opening anyway...

A couple of weeks ago, we'd gotten in an old book. I've been drooling over it ever since. BUT...since it's the only one like it that we have...I couldn't take it. lol *sighs* It's the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe. :D We were talking about it again on Saturday...because of the Poe artwork I'd taken a picture of in SL Friday night. ;-p Cindy had mentioned she thought she has (personally) a 1927 edition leather bound...complete works. She'd give it to me if I wanted it. lol I denied it, of course. Instead...I searched Ingram & found a hardback complete for $12.99. It's on backorder but I didn't really care. I'll get it eventually. ;-) Cindy texted me at 9 am (she's taking today off to play Grandma):

I have a soft small leatherbound edition of Poe complete from 1927 in perfect condition. Do you want it as a Xmas and I love you gift?

Awwww!!! *grins* I responded back to her that I'd already ordered that one for myself but that was really sweet of her! ;-)

Internet started acting up so I finally gave up & got to work at 9:30. Cindy came by right after I got there, with little Cameron...dropping some books off. She didn't bring him in...he was sacked out in the car seat but I had to go see him. He was tiny last I saw him & OMG...he's HUGE!!! hahahaha Big ole hands & feet...solid chunk! Soooo freaking adorable!! :D She had the Poe book with her & showed it to me. lol It was...freaking AWESOME...I can't lie! She said she'd gotten it at an estate sale years ago...it's not her cup of tea & Todd won't appreciate it either so she'd prefer if it went to someone who would cherish it. Heh. If I were to take THAT book, I'd hafta build a glass-encased shrine for it! ;-p I don't think I'd even attempt to read it!! The pages were almost like rice paper...super thin & whispy & OMG...the leather was ultra-soft! *drools* But...again, I told her...I have one on order. ;-)

My Poe affinity began in 7th grade with The Raven. Tell-Tale Heart is my 2nd favorite. But, several times through school...I did projects & reports about him. For a time, I even patterned some of my own poetry after him. I'm not sure why I've always been so drawn to him. I just have...

Kelli finally came in. lol All 3 of us were a bit retarded today. It wasn't all that busy either. So it made for an interesting day! *smirks* Wasn't NOWHERE near being a normal Monday! ;-p Manda left at 4:30. I ended up leaving at 5:30...it was dead. I made a comment about not being off til Saturday & how much that sucked...lol...then Kelli realized that meant she had BOTH me & Manda off Saturday...eep! lol So I agreed to take tomorrow off instead & work Saturday. :-)

After work, went to Wal-Mart to get kitty food. Simple task...right??? NOT!! Holy Hell...that place was a freaking ZOO!!! Finally got home. It was chilly in here so I turned both heaters on (ran them both all night last night). Within a minute or so, the breakers tripped & all the power went off. :/ They came back on & I tried again. Off they went! Argh! Minute later, back on...& Judy called me. lol CRAP!! I dunno why it worked last night but not tonight but I haven't tried running them both again. *sighs* And I won't...

Kat called. A couple of times. lol I was picking on her about being High Maintenance. Cuz she IS...in several areas! ;-p Then she said I was, too. *sighs* Yeah, yeah...whatever! *snorts* Fine. I won't be anymore...*sighs heavily* ;-p

Dinner & a Sci Fi movie. Now...I'm thinking sleep. I've got chores to do tomorrow. And stuff for the website. I may hafta start taking those nightmare-inducing pills again. My head has been pounding the last 2 days again...UGHHHHH!!! :/

Solemn Day...

Got up at 10 this morning. Really didn't wanna but...I'd been sleeping since around midnight...lol. By the time I'd been up for an hour, I'd made the decision of doing no chores today. Just NOT in the mood. It's rainy out & dark & gloomy & cold. I felt the same way...

Went onto T-Mobile's website. STILL can't access anything! Keeps telling me I need to get the Primary Account Holder to make changes. DUH!! I AM the Primary!! When I switched accounts last month, she told me that it might take a month for all the info to transfer between accounts. Well...whatever...this is just STUPID! So I called. Girl I got this time said she didn't even have the option of making me the PAH! How retarded?! BUT...she was able to sign me up for Paperless Billing...so that was at least one thing done. She said it might take a couple of days to be able to upgrade my phone though. *sighs* But she could do it over the phone if I knew which phone I wanted. Well, it's been a month since I looked at the phones but I told her that I'd been interested in the Samsung Comeback. Ok. Uh oh...but guess what?! It's no longer available!! SERIOUSLY?! OMG...!! So I said never mind...I'm gonna hafta look at em again sometime later. When I hung up, I got a text from T-Mobile, saying my PAH info had been changed. Umm...ok?? So I logged back into the website &...VOILA!!! I could upgrade my phone!! GAWD!! *sighs* Except...I don't wanna pay much (if anything) for a new phone. There were 3 available. Some crappy neon blue thing...& 2 Blackberrys. Ok, it was actually one Blackberry...in 2 different colors. Whatever. *SIGHS* I don't want to be the snob that has a Blackberry...like REALLY?! o.0 I've been AGAINST Blackberry (& now iPhone) cuz of Kat. For years now! LMAO! *shrugs* Dunno why really...just don't wanna be a part of THAT society, I guess. Ugh. Data plan equals more money. $20 more per month actually. Can I do it?? :/ On & off the website a couple more times. *sighs* Ok, fine...I finally ordered the Blackberry Curve in Smoky Violet. :/ I should be excited, right?? Not so much. I've been fighting a Blackberry for 3+ years...& here I had no choice...unless I just wanted to keep the phone I've got...crap...oh, well.

That decision...created another one. I HAVE to quit smoking now!! Yikes. No ifs, ands or buts. Cuz I will not be able to afford to now. Period!

Mom texted & said I needed a 2nd space heater...& that she was on her way to buy it. They're playing poker in town tonight so she told me where to meet her. lol I asked why I needed a 2nd one. The one I have works fine. It's close to the bed so I'm good. When it was down in the 30s last week, it was fine. Well, it was fine til I got out of bed & say...went to the bathroom! ;-p Showers were interesting! *smirks* It's supposed to be in the 30s tonight. 25 tomorrow night...with 25 mph winds...so she was worried...*chuckles*

A couple more hours of doing nothing & I finally broke down & texted Kat. :/ I've DETESTED weekends since I met her. I generally don't get to talk to her on weekends. It's always been that way. And it never fails...it's the weekends that shit tends to happen. Ugh. o.0 Texted her that I was missing her. :/ She ended up calling me a bit later. She was out shopping. *chuckles* Surprise there! ;-p But things have happened...that I haven't been able to tell her about. Big things. Little things. Inbetween things. And it was starting to suffocate me. :-(

Went to meet mom after the phone call to get my heater. *laughs* Grabbed pizza on the way home. After eating, I went down to get the heater out of the car. Coming back up, carrying it...I tripped over Bastian. FML!! I have a bruise forming on my thigh, my elbow & shoulder that I landed on are hurting...AND...I chipped my front tooth! AWESOME. *rolls eyes & sighs heavily* At least the heater still works. :/ I put it together & it's on now. *sighs*

I've started a movie. 2 weeks til xmas &...it's closing in on me a little more each day...whether I attempt to avoid it or not. :/ Going to lay down & finish my movie now...

Blast From the Past...

Cindy was at work all day. They didn't call her for the jump til almost 3 & it was too late then cuz Manda was leaving at 4:30. lol Manda worked in the garage. I was on counter. We stayed pretty busy but the day seemed to drag quite a bit. :/ I'm gonna be HATING next week!! UGH...5 days in a row! I'm not off til Saturday. Yikes.

Mom brought the other bookmark to me today. It's TOO cute! ;-p

Got home & did a load of laundry. No time for anything else cuz...had a 4 hour phone call with Lee...

She started off by apologizing for being a cunt. lol It didn't take long for things to be said...things that USED to be said. Her feelings for me. Her jealousy. Her treating me like an object. That she's still in love with me--always will be. That everything was always all about her & she never cared about anything else. She was selfish. That she'd gotten beyond the point of wanting me as her sub & wanted me as her girlfriend, lover...wife...& that scared her so she went into bitch mode to cover it up. She's a coward cuz no matter what she feels inside...she doesn't have the courage to come out to her family & LIVE as a bi/lesbian woman. That's why she couldn't deal with wanting me in her life & not being able to fully do it. She talked about me coming to see her. Get a 6 month Visa & stay with her & Kayla. She could help me get a job with her, doing Court Reporting. If I wanted to get my own place, I could but I could also stay with them. Work on obtaining dual citizenship...cuz Canada is my 2nd choice of place to live! *sighs*

She said all of the right things. *laughs* And while...I was smiling & sorta getting the warm fuzzies...the bigger part of me was like...yeah, right! I don't trust her. Oh, I'm sure she cares about me...there was never a doubt about that. Just like I care about her. But I don't believe she can handle it...or be the kind of person I can handle.

But we'll take it one day at a time...til she blows a gasket & we stop speaking. Again. lol

There was an instant connection when I met her. Just like with Kat. I will never fully be able to let her go from my life. Just like with Kat. I was ALWAYS between a rock & a hard place between the 2 of them. But there's NO denying that when one of them is absent...or Ben...a piece of me is missing...dead...non-existent...void. That's what makes this so freaking complicated & hard to do! :/

Kayla got on the phone when she got home, squealing & giggling...& told Lee not to fuck up this time & lose me again. LMAO!!!! She's almost 17. Sweet, funny, adorable kid but...OMG...is she a HANDFUL! She's really been through some shit...& putting Lee through Hell. But I think she'll be ok when she grows up. ;-) I've missed talking to her...

I dunno. It is what it is. Whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen. I'm not looking forward to the chaos...but I know it's coming! When Lee is a part of my world...the chaos is always there! o.0

She's BAAAAAACK!!!

LOL!! Uh oh. I woke up this morning to a FB Friend Request from...Lee (Talon). *snorts* I accepted. 0.0 We'll see. Not really talked to her much yet. She messaged me a hello after. I asked her what prompted this. She said..."It's Christmas...we always make up at Christmas!" hahaha I haven't talked to her since...I dunno...April or May...?? But I KNOW her. I know how she is. So we'll see how long it lasts...this time...

Confirmed!!

Ok...so after my trip into SL...my decision to not continue trying to be friends with Jennifer is confirmed. What I saw there just proved that she lied. As if I already didn't have that idea from FB alone!? Yeah. So be it.

Done...

One Down...One to Go!

Was cool, gray & rainy today. I liked it. lol But our cool front is leaving. Supposed to be back up into the 70s tomorrow. *sighs* Back in the 50s Mon-Wed & then 70s again for the rest of the week.

I opened this morning. Cindy got there at 9. Manda showed up about 9:15. Then Lori shortly after. Kelli & Claire trickled in around 10. I finally got to ESCAPE the counter & finished my spinners in Room 3! :D Well...technically...I got through my alphabet!! I still have one whole side of my last spinner empty. The spinner across from it is all the old historical saga crap & it's super crowded so I'm gonna thin it out & put some of it on my empty side (Kelli's idea). It's either that or go around & pull excess out of the 50,000 light romances & put them there...lol. Sagas will be easier! ;-p But that'll be next week...

Kelli is off tomorrow. Manda is opening. I'm closing. Cindy will be there...sometime! hahaha We really have no idea! She's planning on doing a jump tomorrow (skydiving) but we aren't sure if she's doing it early morning or noonish. We'll know when she shows up. *smirks*

I got home & fixed my door covering the kids had torn up last night. No dinner. Manda & I had a big lunch. Mexican! :-) Then I watched Eight Crazy Nights. It was kinda dumb. I'm not a big fan of Adam Sandler anyway. *shrugs* 7:30 pm & I was ready for bed! lol That's too early. So I had some hot chocolate. Now I'm here. Think I'll read for a bit til I can't keep my eyes open.

I need to go in SL & pay rent. lol Just thought about that...

Speaking of SL...I'm done with Jennifer. I've finally decided. I can't be her friend. Her actions aren't allowing it. I mean...I get it. I do! But I gave it a shot, on the off-chance it'd work out. It's easier just to go our separate ways. The drama simply isn't worth it...

Again?!

Stayed up later than I intended to. Was watching Confessions of a Shopaholic. Really cute! So it was about midnight before I went to sleep. *sighs*

MORE dreams! FFS!! These were more like nightmares though. *sighs* Woke up around 2:30 am, crying. Gah. Bastian was laying on my side, kneading at me. He never gets ON me when I'm sleeping. :/ Finally fell back asleep sometime after 3:30...

So it's clear...that these pills...are not playing fair!! My head feels normal but they make me sleepy & then they make me freaking DREAM!!!! *growls loudly* It's funny...Manda said Zyrtec gave her wicked nightmares. Wonder why stuff does that?? :/

Anyway...up again at 5. Hope today goes smoothly cuz I'm soooo sleepy! :-(

During the night, the kids ripped one corner of the door covering loose. Argh! I just put that up yesterday!! So...guess I'll be doing some more banging when I get home tonight. I have it nailed in on all 4 corners of the door & 1 on each side, in the middle.

So far, this morning...I keep thinking it's Monday! Crap. lol Hate when I get my days screwed up. ;-p It's FRIDAY!!! 2 days & I have another day off... :D

Not According to Plan...

Used the Neti Pot last night. It wasn't as weird or scary as I'd expected!! LOL And...WOW at how well I could breathe afterwards!! hahaha

Finally laid down around 3 am last night...lol. I didn't sleep well. Dreams. UGH! 3 that I remember. I had debated with myself for quite awhile last night, before finally going to bed...on whether or not I should text Ben today. I can't even tell you when the last I spoke to him was. :/ And when it's been so long, I get really nervous about contacting him...cuz I dunno what's going on with him & all. :/ Anyway, the mental debate coupled with the Pseudoephedrine...I attribute to causing the disturbing dreams. I mean, they weren't disturbing as in...something bad happened. Ok...semi-bad but it seemed to work itself out in the end. But disturbing cuz I'm subconsciously thinking about this stuff. Anyway!! Woke up the 1st time at 6 am. Back to sleep & awake again at 7:15. Back asleep & back up at 8:45. I gave up & actually got up then. I didn't want more dreams!! In hindsight...one of them was sorta foreshadowing...*sighs*

Kat started texting around 9:30. Here's where the foreshadowing comes in. :/ That will be something that will need to develop farther before there's an "answer" to it.

I got up once the texts drifted off. Took the trash out, did kitty litter, vacuumed, did the dishes. Then I started watching Shrek Forever After!! LOVED it!! I think this is my favorite out of all 4 of them!! :-) The music was great, fat Puss was freaking hilarious, there was a gay ogre character...I giggled every time he spoke!! Then towards the end...I cried over a single line. *sighs* "The best thing about today...was that I got to fall in love with you all over again." I guess I cried cuz it reminded me of Secondhand Serenade's Fall For You...*sighs*

Then I got a text from Ben! Apologizing for being quiet. He's just been distracted. I immediately texted Kat & asked her what she said to him to make him text me...LOL!!! I mean...the day had already started off ironically enough...for this to just be another coincidence!! o.0 But, no, she said she didn't say anything to him. Weirdness...

Stacy texted me & said she'd just run into Cindy at Target. Said she looked like complete shit & asked how she was & she said "Not good at all!" I told her that Cindy & Kelli have really been butting heads lately & Cindy is beyond frustrated. Stacy said..."Fuck her! She made her bed..." LOL!! True. And she still refuses to listen to anybody. I'm out of ideas of what to do. We ALL are. It just is what it is at this point & we're just riding this sinking ship...*sighs*

By the time the movie was over, pills were kicking in again so I knew if I tried to read, I'd be out like a light! Grr. Did some personal maintenance...lol. Eyebrows & nails. Went to get cigs & dinner, hoping that'd help wake me up a bit. Nope. Not really. By the time Kat called, I was barely hanging on! :/ I was awake afterwards though...

So...it's relatively clear that I can't take these pills & still function. Gah. Oh, well. I'm feeling pretty much NORMAL at this point & that's a very good thing!!

I read through this book that I'd brought home from work the other day. LOL!!! Today I Will Nourish My Inner Martyr: Affirmations for Cynics. ROFL!!! I got a crap-load of stuff for use as future FB statuses!!! *dies laughing*

No word from Jenn. And that's fine. It's her choice...

I think it's probably too late for another movie...but I might attempt it anyway. Gotta open tomorrow...

So the day didn't quite go according to plan. I shouldn't be surprised. They almost NEVER go according to plan! Heh...& I'm winding down the evening with Nixon showing up. *SIGHS* I'm so freaking ready for menopause!!! *growls*

"Don't Believe In Love" by Dido

Like...OMG!!! Holy cow!! Just now discovered this song &...it is 110% ME!!!! It's really kinda scary even...but...it explains...a LOT!! *sighs*

Relief??

Was a quiet morning. Just me & the boys. :D Got my 1st customer at 9:30. Cindy came in about 9:45. Manda & Claire trickled in a bit after 10...lol. We stayed pretty busy most of the day. Manda finished up her project. I worked counter. Cindy wasn't as spastic today...lmao! There were a few CRAZY moments but overall, it was a good day. Except...my head was pounding like usual. They could tell something was up...so I started talking about it. I've complained about the headache before...right before Thanksgiving (that's when all of this really started). They feel like almost migraines. But everything on my head HURTS!! The headache, my eyes, my nose, my ears, my teeth...all of it. Plus fever. I didn't even CONSIDER allergies or sinuses cuz...well, I'm not congested, no runny/stuffy nose...none of that usual stuff. Manda immediately said sinus infection. Cindy agreed with low-grade sinus infection or even infection in my teeth (which is HIGHLY possible cuz I have so much trouble with my teeth!) But...if it's my teeth, I can usually tell that cuz there's swelling & tenderness in my gums. I've not really had that. Plus...before Thanksgiving, I'd used up the rest of my Amoxicillin, just to see if that's what it was. It didn't help. Cindy suggested Zyrtec. Manda suggested Pseudoephedrine. And using a Neti pot! When I got off work, I went to Walgreens. Talked to the pharmacist. Zyrtec is for allergies. Sneezing, itchy/watery eyes...blah, blah, blah...which I don't have. The Pseudoephedrine is for sinus pressure, etc. That's what I got. That's what Manda had given me a sample of & it had already started to help some so figured $4 vs $15 was a better choice, too! LOL Got the Neti pot...though I haven't attempted to use it yet...haha...I'm skeered! ;-p

Got home. Took more drugs. Attempted to watch a movie. Couldn't keep my eyes open so I was asleep before 7! Meh...missed Kat's phone call. :/ Woke up at 10 pm. Sheesh! Typically I'd now be up ALL night...but...maybe when I take more drugs...I'll go to sleep at a somewhat decent hour...*chuckles*

So after 2 doses...I'm feeling a little human. Got "medicine head" a tiny bit BUT...the pressure...is almost not there at all. No headache. Nothing is pounding or aching atm. No fever. So...umm...YAY!! :D

Off tomorrow. I planned on doing nothing but reading or movies. However, if I'm still feeling good...I may spend some time working on the website. ;-)

Drama...

Up at 4 am cuz of the kids jumping off the headboard. *sighs*

Last night, Jenn posted this as her FB status:

"I think I am going to just disapear for a while fall off the face of the earth so I can get myself together and forget the things that have been dragging me down .... So with that let's see who is still around when I return. *shrugs*"

Dunno WHO or what she's talking about but my 1st reaction was...UGH!! CONTINUED drama!! Grrr!! This was on the tail-end of her posting a video of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. Yeah. I have my own reasons for loving that song. Hell...I fell in love with it as a child...the ORIGINAL! Dolly Parton...from the movie Best Little Whore House in Texas. Anyway...makes me glad that she's not texting me that much. o.0 I simply don't have the ability to deal with anybody else's drama atm...*sighs*

Last several days, she's been posting to FB via her phone, has her Yahoo on Mobile & still in SL most of the time. So...her version of falling off the face of the earth will be interesting to see...

And I guess I should correct my statement about her texting me. I don't care if she texts. It's fine, really. BUT...only if it's drama-free. No "pushing" me to talk to her. It's why I tend to prioritize my texting. If I get something that seems to be off into an emotional territory that I don't want to go...I'm short with it. I do that with Kat, too, lately. I pretty much totally ignore Angel's texts & calls (cuz I really don't have the energy for her AT ALL!!) Ben doesn't text. My mom, Kelli, Amanda...are my usual suspects. I always answer them. I get random texts from Stacy, Michele, Tamara, Tanya & Jodi. When I say my phone blows up...this is what I mean. I'm a week into my new billing cycle & already have over 1100 texts! IF...Jenn, Kat & Ben were texting like NORMAL...yeah...it'd be double that...EASY! o.0

Opening this morning. Cindy may or may not be there when I get there (or shortly after). Manda will be late cuz of chiro appointment. Kelli is off. Meaning...I will be stuck on counter again today. :/ Then I'm off tomorrow...YAY!!!! And I have ZERO plans of crap I gotta do! :D Well, except kitty litter & dishes...LOL! I'm gonna lay in bed & read. :-) Super low stress level is what I'm aiming for...*chuckles & crosses fingers*

Pressure...

UGH!!! Soooo...full crew today. I SHOULDA been able to finish spinners but...nooooooo!! Kelli & Cindy are 5 years old & Kelli didn't wanna be around her today, if possible. Granted, Cindy snapped at Kelli 1st thing this morning & that started it all up again. *sighs* Manda was busy finishing up her project. So...yep...I got stuck with counter. Manda will tell anybody IN A HEARTBEAT how well & how often I just tune them out...LMAO!! But Cindy got on my last nerve...a few times! FFS!! I just wanna gag her, tie her up & throw her in the fucken garage sometimes!!! Jeezus Christ...

This constant headache...that I've been having for...hell...I dunno...WEEKS now...??...is really wearing me down & putting me on edge a lot. :/ It's making my teeth ache, too. As well as my ears. I spend most of the day feeling like I'm running fever on top of it all.

My nerves are basically shot. Probably why I'm having such trouble dealing with people & their BS. I have a really short fuse, I'm starting to block things & people out of my "bubble" & all I wanna do is just sleep...

Mom came by the store this afternoon & brought me the skeleton bookmark. :-) She says she's gonna make me a spider one to go with it, too. LOL!

Got a text from Jenn in the afternoon. Apologizing that she's not been texting. Wanted me to know she's not ignoring me...but is still sick & just laying in bed, waiting til time to go to work. Ok. lol *shrugs* I don't really care if she texts or not. Right now, I don't spend a lot of time texting while at work. I CAN'T!! It's too crazy to be able to. Nevermind, that I just...really...whatever...*sighs*

Ok...well, texting at work is...uhh...prioritized...let's just leave it at that...

When I walked in the house after work tonight, Bastian greeted me at the door (like usual)...I think that was the 1st time I've truly exhaled & relaxed since the moment I left here this morning. :/

Got my phone call from Kat shortly after I got home. I love her phone calls. No denying that. Ben's xmas wish list item...was funny...but not so much! *sighs* I feel bad cuz I wasn't all that responsive to her. :/ But I'm really sinking into a bunch of stuff right now. I'm shutting down again. It's not all her. I'm just getting overwhelmed with life, I'm exhausted, I'm not feeling well & I'm stressed...about a multitude of things. Hearing from her tends to shine a little light into the darkness...regardless. I think she knows that...even if I don't sound like it does sometimes. :/

I should eat. I should lay down & watch a movie. I should go to bed early. Gotta open tomorrow. I should make my head stop pounding...ughhhhh...

Additional Burlesque...

Last night, as Burlesque! was starting...I was texting with Kat. Manda punched me...LMAO! ;-p It was only a few! I stopped about 10 minutes into the movie. Not cuz of Manda...cuz of Kat. Her texts back were short...so I got an odd feeling & just left her alone. Didn't contact her again. :/ But I did tell her she needs to see this movie. I knew that straight away! After seeing the whole thing now...she definitely would enjoy it. ;-)

This morning, I tweeted to Christina & Cher...lol. Left a post on Cher's FB, too. Yeah...I feel like a kid with a crush on a star atm!! AHAHAHAHA Oh, well...*shrugs*

Shower time & then work. Ugh. Ready for the day to be over...

Burlesque! The Movie!!

Work was...quite the PITA today!! Cindy was super spazzy again...& grouchy, too!! She actually yelled at Kelli at one point. I missed the actual moment. But it'd been building. It got to the point where we just stopped telling her shit & let her go ahead & look like an idiot. Kelli was hating me when I left at 4:30...ahahaha!!!

Went home for a little while & then Manda & Dylan picked me up at 7 so we could go to see Burlesque!

O. M. G. !!!!!!!!!! I am in LOVE!!!! *giggles* The "burlesque" pieces of it just couldn't be any better!! Christina was cast perfectly for this part!! Who knew she could act?! haha Girl belted out several numbers. Cher. She's STILL got it!! ;-) I've loved her since I was 10 yrs old...lol. Her acting hasn't improved (she was never quite ace at that) but her voice...man oh man...I got shivers hearing her sing again after so many yrs of absence! :-) I was disappointed that she only sang 2 numbers though. :/ Her looks...holy hell...WHAT has she done to herself?! She looks...*odd*. Her nose, cheeks & chin seem wider & flatter somehow. Can't really put a finger on it. She's definitely at the point of her plastic surgery is getting dangerously close to becoming grotesque like Joan Rivers, Donna Summer & Michael Jackson. The closest I can get to describing it...(& it took us til after we got in the car to come home to do so) is she looks like she's become one of her many female impersonators that you see from time to time! THAT'S almost it in a nutshell!! She's looking like a man pretending to be her. :/ She's not rail thin anymore either...which I was proud to see on her! She looks good with some meat on her bones! ;-p Back to the movie...there was just enough "gayness" in it, the dialogue was great & had a bunch of comedic moments. I, however, was not impressed with the stupid little romance! *sighs* But...hey...gotta have that in there! *sighs* o.0 Overall...I completely LOVED it!!! :D And...the 3 of us...made up the majority of the people that were in there!! hahahahaha Not crowded whatsoever! Gotta love that! *smirks*

Got home. Took trash out to the road for pick up tomorrow. Ate some veggie lasagna. Now...I think I'm gonna pass out. ;-) Closing tomorrow & we'll have a full crew so I should be able to finish spinners! YAY!! And NOT be around Cindy! lolol

Lately, when Jenn has been texting me...she always starts it by asking how I'm feeling. That's been bothering me! She was meaning emotionally but I wasn't sure of that til today. I just knew it creeped me out a little bit. Couldn't really figure out WHY it bothered me though. My emotions spill out in my blog. I don't talk about them with anyone. So I said something to her about it. Just...basically...I don't want her fishing & trying to get me to *talk* to her. I'm not comfortable with it. :/ Anyhoo...I'm really going to bed now...

Fears...

A few moments spent...trying to convince me my biggest fear won't happen...made my heart smile. :-) However, I know better than to just relax & take things at face-value like that. Expect the worst...then whatever happens won't hurt as bad! She presented a good argument but...still! *chuckles* One day at a time. It's moments like that...that tend to suck me back in...heh. *sighs*

Manda & I are *supposed* to go see the movie Burlesque tonight when I get off work. Though, anything could happen between now & then to prevent it from happening!! Considering we've been meaning to go ever since Thanksgiving!! LOL! ;-p The last time I went to see a movie in a theater was Dec '98!! haha

Finished reading The Secret History of Elizabeth Tudor, Vampire Slayer by Lucy Weston last night! REALLY enjoyed it!! Was pissed off at how it ended though...LMAO!! It MUST be gonna be a series...though I can't find any follow ups slated yet. Grr. It's dated for publication in January '11 but...Ingram has it street dated for Dec 21! I'm gonna suggest Cindy order at least 1 copy...

Now I'm debating finishing Death's Mistress by Karen Chance or Living Nightmare by Shannon K Butcher!! haha The Chance one is one I borrowed from Karen @ book club...like...hell...MONTHS ago!! Was in the summer...sometime?! Butcher one was our book club pick last month...that I didn't finish. ;-p

Speaking of book club, I hafta have a gift for our xmas party gift exchange so I asked mom about the little bookmarks she was gonna attempt to sell...like a yr ago! LOL She's gonna make me one. ;-)

Just me, Cindy & Kelli today so I'll be stuck on counter. Gah. STILL haven't finished the spinners in Room 3...cuz I can't ever get back there! :/

Is it Thursday yet?! o.0 Ready for my day off already...*sighs*

Just a Sunday...

Woke up around 9:30...not that I really wanted to be up just yet! lol

Did laundry (sheets & towels), organized the photos on my comp (been wanting to do that for AGES now!), went through some books for Judy to see if it was stuff we wanted to buy for the store (I only picked out 3 others that Kelli had passed up...lol), kitty litter, unexpected phone call, remade the bed & folded towels & stuff, did the dishes, started veggie lasagna cooking for dinner (takes 2 hrs to cook!)...now I'm here. Will watch a movie shortly & then read til bed. :-) Nice, semi-quiet Sunday. I've missed those! lol Currently waiting on a text from Kelli...to find out if I'm opening or closing tomorrow...

It seems that some people are under the impression that I'm mad at Kat. I'm NOT!! *sighs* There are a few reasons for me backing away from her right now...

** I won't ever be physically close to her. 99.9% of the reason I say that is...I can't do anything for her so I simply do not see any POINT in even bothering to attempt it! The other part of that is...how I react to physical intimacy. That's NOT to say that I don't STILL think/dream about it. Because I DO...more often than I'll ever admit. *sighs* But I have accepted that it's only ever gonna just be my FANTASY...

** Being emotionally close to her...makes me INSANE!! On several levels! 1st, it is an AUTOMATIC reaction for me to fall into the D/s roles we always had. That isn't a current path that we're on anymore. I've accepted that. :/ 2nd, she is upside down in her life right now without any idea of which way is up! When she's like this, she says & does things that hurt me...unintentionally. I take them personally. She constantly speaks of having no support system or friends...& I take that EXTREMELY personally. It makes me feel like complete *nothing*. She will NEVER have any kind of understanding about how much & how often that I would (& still do a lot of times) drop anything & anybody to be there when she needed/wanted me to be. The very degree in which I would do that...goes completely unnoticed & doesn't ever mean anything. It's not in the least bit easy to feel so utterly useless. 3rd, I feel like an idiot most of the time. It always seems like the moment I give her too much of me, she backs off. Ben backs off. And I'm left...standing out in the cold...all alone. I really, really, REALLY do not function well at that point!

** Friendship...was always the one thing we did the best. Friendship is what is still there for her. It will always be there for her. She can handle that much of me right now...but not much else. I absolutely refuse to make her world more complicated. :/ And that has a LOT to do with the sub in me! Simple as that. Don't necessarily wanna complicate my own life either. Anything more than friendship...& it becomes totally complicated! :-(

I AM NOT MAD AT HER!! I truly wish people wouldn't read my blog & then decide they need to step in to save me, or get their feelings hurt, or simply ignore it all together! :/ I think I'm probably bi-polar or something most days...my feelings, thoughts, moods, etc change on a regular basis...I am almost NEVER on an even keel, emotionally. I use my blog to "talk out" all of this crap that's in my head...& heart...because I generally don't have anyone that I will actually TALK to about it...*sighs*

*sighs*

Oh...& I've fallen off the patch wagon again. :/ I just simply CANNOT seem to fight the craving...*sighs*

Relaxing...

Was on counter today. Cindy was extra spazzy. Between her & Lori, Kelli & I were ready to find a speeding train to step in front of! :/ We woulda been better off if she hadn't been there at all.

Town's xmas parade was this evening. Cindy ended up closing at 5. With most of the Blvd blocked off & the entire town gathered down this strip...there was no point in just sitting there. I actually left at 4:45. She only had Jim left in there (his weekly Saturday visit! LOL) even though he tends to stay there forever til she kicks him out! *snorts* Kelli tried to talk me into finding her wherever she was sitting. I would've walked from the house to where she was at. But...me & crowds...*shrugs*...I woulda started to panic before I found her! lol So, instead...I had dinner & watched a movie (that was interrupted by a couple of phone calls)...lol.

I'm really trying to get a grip on this situation I'm finding myself in. It's not easy to dissect & close off parts of yourself but that's what I'm attempting. Shut down the part that cares too much & just leave the "friend" part accessible. In the long run, it's the easiest route. I've said "those 3 little words" too often lately & it's getting me into trouble. Time to STOP it. So...it is what it is. *sighs*

Now...I think I'm gonna read some. I haven't read since just before Thanksgiving!

Peace...?

Pretty much a bit of an emotional morning. *sighs* But by noon, it was over. The rest of the day I spent continuing to do the spinners in Room 3...STILL not done with them!! The day just creeped by once it was afternoon. Ugh. :/ I was over it by 4. Kelli & Cindy were both there to close with me. I didn't know til 4ish but Savannah was there, too! Heh. So I took off at 4:45.

My night of "peace" began settling in then. Well...sorta. lol Did the dishes, took the trash out. Then I prepared green bean casserole! LOL!! That took about an hour & a half--start to finish. It turned out ok. ;-p Little more soupy than it's supposed to be...I think I had too much cheese in it. But...REALLY...can you ever have TOO much cheese on anything?! *laughs*

Then I watched a 2 1/2 hr long movie...Lost in Austen. It was cute. Long! But cute. ;-p I've still never read Pride & Prejudice & I really don't think I'd like it all that much. I've generally had problems with the movies I've seen about it. *shrugs* In fact, I've never read Jane Austen...period! But now that I'm starting to develop a liking to historical fiction...maybe...meh...doubt it! *chuckles*

My morning completely derailed my train of thought that I was on & was gonna think about. So when I got home, I just tried not to think...AT ALL!! I'm over it. It doesn't matter anyway. Some things never change. And circumstances can't be changed very easily. So what's the point in making myself crazy about it? :/ I got the very clear impression tonight of what's gonna happen. And when that does...I know what'll happen after that. So I think I'm right in stepping back. For ME. To save myself from most of the heartache that will come...

Gonna try the patch again today. Getting into a routine with my nights being less chaotic should help. Going numb & backing off should help even more.

It's Saturday!! So that means...DAY OFF tomorrow!! :D

In A Box...

I'm thinking. Gonna do some more of that...& research a bit...then voice those thoughts. Maybe tonight? We'll see. My life doesn't usually stay on schedule...

I'm conflicted. Between loyalty...& concern. Straddling fences isn't fun so I need to work my brain around it.

Kat's last text to me last night made me laugh. Out loud. In the dark, by myself. ;-p But after the giggles stopped, I just smiled. THAT'S the Kat I know & remember...not the Kat that I listened to on the phone. :/ Ben's text...was a bit disturbing...though I didn't see it til this morning. :/ These 2 are gonna be the death of me. And each other!

But even through it all...I still hafta stand at a distance. I can't allow myself to get sucked fully into it. I don't enjoy the hopelessness & helplessness of it all. Especially when I'm not privy to all the info or not good enough to be relied upon. It all comes down to give & take. I'll give what I get. After all...I'm no longer that special one at the end of the leash that is expected to just be there & waiting when the moment presents itself. :/ Think that is the main reason I no longer feel connected. I've been cut loose & I can feel it in my soul. If I dwell on it too much, I will melt into an uncontrollable mess! So...instead...I stand...detached & distant...ok on the outside...defiant & independent...cold...alone...

Spirit...

Work was...taxing! lol Was busy but not crazy busy (& money certainly didn't show it!). But I had this one woman...that drove me FUCKEN INSANE!!!!! And Kelli & Manda just let me deal with her. Ugh! Manda walked by once & patted me on the shoulder. LMAO! Bitch! *smirks* She...or Kelli...SHOULD HAVE stepped in & saved me! ;-p But...noooooo!!! Gah. lol Whatever. They said I handled it well (at least outwardly anyway!) but by the time she finally left, I was a ball of raw nerves...shit. lol

After work, I came home for a few minutes & then went over to Manda's. We had "coffee"...*giggles*...while Dylan was in the shower. hahahahahaha She doesn't do it in front of the kid...but I'm sure she has an idea that Manda does it! ;-p Then we had homemade chili for dinner. Was YUM...especially since it's now in the 40s or so here. Gawd...I'm LOVING it!! :D Hope it stays for a while this time!!

Kat called about then. We talked about 45 minutes. Tomorrow marks 2 weeks since I've talked to her. I'd pretty much gotten over the hump of needing to hear her. Sheesh. *sighs* Anyway...I got a little bit more info than I'd gotten so far. And it made me realize something. I'm ANGRY because I can't do a god damned thing to help her! :-( And that's causing these reactions in me. :/ She told me that she'd tried several other people before resorting to Andy & what emotional state she was in at the time. What hit me the most is...she didn't try to contact me. And that hurts. But, anyway...it is what it is. :/ It's always been like that. It's strange...I feel better & worse since talking to her. Better cuz...she just makes that happen naturally. Worse cuz...I can't take care of her. I can't help. And the only time I can listen is when she lets me...

Then me & Manda were looking at some of the drawings Dan was posting on FB & ran across this wicked bunny girl...haha!! I stated that I'd like it better if it was a kitty & then Manda included "& she had vampire fangs". So...thus...the IDEA of vampire kitty being tattooed on ME was born!! *giggles* Then Manda & Dylan started putting together the HUGE xmas tree!! OMG! Thing is a monster! LOL But it's gonna be fucken gorgeous! ;-) Dan got home a bit after 9 & he was talking about his drawings & we then told him about vampire kitty! :D He was like...HELL YEAH!!! hahaha He's supposed to start working up a drawing. :D Told him Jan or Feb...when I get my tax refund. *grins* Dylan went to bed shortly after & I sorta finished up helping Manda with the tree. By the time she got the 1st row of lights on...it was time for me to go. Lights were always the thing that got to me about xmas & these had already started. *shrugs* I couldn't continue to sit there & let the thoughts invade...

Now I'm just waiting on sleep to invade. My plan for "peace"...starting tonight...didn't work so well!! Heh. *sighs* Maybe tomorrow night...

Shutting Down...

I've decided...I'm gonna go back to turning my phone off when I get home from work. Manda has been suggesting it for months now. I believe it's finally time to do it. :/ And it'll go back to being charged on the bookcase instead of my nightstand...so that I virtually don't even see it at all. Creating a time of peace for myself...or "hiding"...well, I guess that line is a bit blurry at the moment. Most likely...a bit of BOTH! Mom, Kelli & Manda already know to message me on FB when I don't answer my phone...they've all been doing that forever anyway sooo...it's all good! If it's important...I can be found...somewhere...

Shower time. Then work. I'm really...really just...tired! *sighs*

Xmas Shopping...

Took me 10 minutes to wake up after my alarm started going off this morning. It's pretty much been a really...mentally foggy...day ever since. Heh...

So I got to mom's just before 10. Had to wait for her to get dressed. Sheesh. We went to Family Dollar, Kohl's, Famous Footwear, Ross, Bed Bath & Beyond, Payless, a local bead store & K-Mart. We were looking for me tennis shoes to wear to work since my current ones have about had it. That's what I wanted for xmas. lol So...this shopping expedition was my fault!! *smirks* Ever since I moved out of mom's house last year, anytime we happen to shop together, she won't let me pay for stuff. Those trips are few & far between (those who know how much I *hate* shopping will get that! lol) In between those trips...she manages to buy stuff & give it to me. Household stuff, kitty stuff, random stuff. lol *shrugs* So...true to form...today...she wouldn't let me pay for my air freshener, TP & chewing gum...LMAO! I had mentioned just before Thanksgiving that I'd been craving green bean casserole (so was glad she'd made some) but soon realized I couldn't make it anyway cuz I don't have a casserole dish. lol Well...now I have a casserole dish! We got down to our almost last chance for finding shoes...before I found some I liked...hahaha!!

After an hour & a half of wandering around, looking at shoes...I needed to text Kat (she will be the only one that understands why). Midway through typing & backspacing & retyping...I got a text from her. *grins* 1st one of the day. *Exhales* She's not ok. I'm not either, for that matter. But I told her the only thing I could think of...so she'd somehow understand...& I left it at that.

At the bead store...I got the overwhelming urge to start wearing my bracelet again. The one I had mom specially make for me over 2 years ago. I remember the colors but I don't remember what it looks like. I will hafta find it...

Before we finished shopping, I ended up with a package of bag clips ( I currently have 4 that I use & always need more! lol) & a new set of silverware to add to my existing set. I can't help it that I'm practical! *snorts* This is stuff I needed. What good is perfume or stupid knick knack stuff anyway?! Never mind that perfume makes me sneeze & break out! ;-p The only other thing I truly need, at the moment, is a new purse. The one I use is...3 years old...??...& is really starting to fall apart. Tax refund...I'll find a new one! ;-p

We finally got back to the house & then spent some time looking at what she's done so far on the store's website. I'm really liking the look of it! :D I've got to still do our staff bios/picks & then go through the current info pages...adding/deleting whatever. We talked about a couple of changes (since I've changed my mind about some things)...made an addition to the logo & discussed the layout some more. By this time, I was dragging ass...so I went home.

I wasn't home but just a few minutes before I laid down for a nap! Just couldn't take it anymore! :/

After I woke up, I went to Publix. Now that I have a casserole dish...I need the ingredients for green bean casserole! *laughs*

No phone call...so I had to distract myself. Dinner. Movie.

I started the patches this morning. Was ok most of the day...til about an hour ago. I'm trying to resist the urge to go buy a pack of cigs. I'm distressed. That always makes it worse! :/ And I'm thinking...another pack won't kill me! CVS is open. It's 3 minutes down the road. And tomorrow is a new day...for the patches. Bleh. Off I go...

Perspective...

So Jennifer called last night. At 1st, I was really guarded. I still get the feeling that she is depending on me to "save" her...or give her the reason to become the person she needs to be. And that bothers me! I can't do that for her!! But the call ended up being a good one. It was nice. If she truly wants to start growing up & start getting her life together...I have no problem being her friend.

As I suspected...there was no call from Kat last night. I kept myself busy to get through it. *sighs*

I just reread through Kat's texts from yesterday morning. Perspective & frame of mind makes a world of difference!! When I was reading them yesterday, I was stressed to the max at work & reading quickly. Only key words were popping out at me. I mistook the whole tone of them, I think. :/ Today...I see them as...sad, apologetic, depressed & self-depricating...a lot pathetic. :-( I hate when she gets like that. I always have. She made a mistake. The whole world crashes down on her for it & she then gives up. I do that, too. But I *KNOW* I do that!! I don't expect her to fall. And when she does, I have no idea of how to handle it! *sighs*

She apologized a lot at 1st. But...the way she did it, it was as if...she were reiterating the apologies?? See...she thinks so much in her head that she is pretty certain she says things...but they don't actually happen. I never actually got to SPEAK to her just before or as this was all going down the other night!! That was allllll her & Ben! I wasn't involved in it. I didn't know what happened, or what was going on. But she kept talking about how nobody accepts her apologies. I never got one!!! I can't accept what I'm not given! *cries* I wasn't IN it with them...I wasn't part of it. She knows I will forgive her. She just has to give me the chance. She has to let the hurt cycle through.

She spoke in a way that it was all about me walking away from her & letting her go. Sorry. I can't do that. That's already been proven. But she gave my leash to Ben? I still don't understand that part... :/

I don't expect her to be perfect. She was stuck on that a lot. I don't expect her to NOT make mistakes. It's as if it should be quite OK that she misses Andy as a friend & wants to know how he's doing. The problem is...he's not JUST a friend. And the whole situation with him has ripped us all apart. Repeatedly. So...it wasn't that she contacted an old friend. She contacted an "enemy"...a "threat"...a "fear". That's why she always gets the same reaction from Ben & I. I don't think either of us will EVER be *OK* about her talking to him. It is what it is. She needs to understand that. I don't fault her for needing other people in her life to talk to. Just not Andy!! I think if she took a step back & looked at the whole picture, she'd see that. Nobody cares who she talks to or is friends with. Until it comes down to Andy. There is a perfectly good reason behind that! But right now, all she sees is that she was lonely & she turned to someone she used to turn to when she needed someone. In her mind, it should be ok since it's "innocent". For now. I guess what she doesn't get is that...if she were able to just fully let him back into her world...it wouldn't STAY innocent! Both Ben & I see that. She's oblivious sometimes when it comes to this stuff. She has perfectly good intentions & she thinks it'll stay that way. It won't. Above anything else...Andy will fall once again into the role he used to play...& she will get sucked into it, too. She won't be able to resist it. It has nothing to do with what she's planning on it to be like. And has EVERYTHING to do with how Andy will take it & run with it. :/ He STILL hasn't left them alone, after all!! That...is proof in itself of what he will do. I wish she would just see that... :-(

Anyway...I'm off to mom's for the day. Xmas shopping. Yay.

Day From HELL!!!!

Didn't sleep last night so I already knew it wasn't gonna be a good day. But I just had NO idea!! :/

Opened & was by myself til 10:15ish when Cindy came in. Had been run ragged by CRAZY customers already!! Between the phone & a near-deaf old bat & an extremely rude bitch & I dunno...10 or so normal customers...I was ready to go home when she finally got there! :/

Kat started texting around 9:45 but I couldn't get to her til after Cindy got there. There were like 16 texts to read through. *sighs* She was rude & caustic & all over the bit about us being *done*. I basically just shut down. I'm not gonna fight with her over this. She was trying to play the "victim", too. But that doesn't really work when she made a CONSCIOUS choice to contact him & totally hurt those who have been standing by her & still caring about her. She uses the excuse that she's lonely with just me & Ben to talk to. Really?? I wonder if she has ANY clue how lonely she will be when she alienates the both of us finally...?! *sighs*

I never said I was through with her. I just can't trust her enough to be close to her when she's making dumbass choices...choices that hurt me. But she said she handed my leash over to Ben last night. o.0 Not sure HOW I was a part of last night...or why...I wasn't involved in it at all. Ben texted me right before & after it was over...as far as I know. Whatever...

I dunno what's gonna happen. I just know that I can't fight with her. I don't WANT to fight with her. I've had enough of that to last me several lifetimes! Fighting never fixed anything anyway. If she wants forgiveness, she'll most likely get it. But she has to ask for it & be HONEST about it. She needs to seriously sit & think about the things she does, where Andy is concerned. If she decides he is more important than her family...& me...then so be it. She has to make that choice. But this yo-yo fucken roller coaster has got to stop. She's not the only one involved here.

I love her. I always have. A part of me always will. But love isn't enough for her. I've known that for years. Ben loves her, too...otherwise he wouldn't still be there. But what do you do when love isn't enough?? *sighs*

Anyway...the rest of the work day was pretty much just as chaotic as when I was there by myself this morning!! And I'm SO not functioning well, at this point. I need to do laundry. Jennifer wants to call me tonight when she gets off work. o.0 Not sure what that's all about...but whatever. I gotta get up early tomorrow, go to the bank, get gas & be at mom's by 10.

It's almost 7 & I'm pretty certain there'll be no phone call tonight (or any night?)...& I'm currently psyching myself up to deal with that. Ugh. :-( Whatever...I can't fix it. I didn't break it...

Back-Tracking...

Let's just forget what I've been saying/feeling over the last several days. It stops here & reverts. That could possibly change in the future but right now...I'm distressed, hurt & angry.

Kat talked to Andy. I dunno the details. But...she talked to him. In my little world...atm...all that matters is she talked to him. :-(

For a week & a half, I've not gotten to talk to her. Texts have been few & far between. She was home due to snow...then there was Thanksgiving. Didn't get to talk to her cuz she wasn't driving home from work & needing someone to occupy her the whole week. Then was at Ben's parents. I was supposed to get to talk to her Saturday night when I got home from the Burlesque show but...nope. Sunday, her parents were over. Didn't hear from her til I was just about to get off of work today. And that was all about how upset she was & just UGH about stuff...but no details for that either. I missed her call tonight. The one when she was on her way home from work. I missed it...on purpose. I was already hurt that I hadn't gotten to talk to her for a week & a half cuz it didn't suit her...til now. I texted her later & she said she'd call me in a few. She didn't. An hour later, I got the text from Ben...that she'd been in contact with Andy. I sent her a sighing text immediately after & she called but a minute later, she got off the phone...cuz Ben wanted to talk to her. And there began my descent...

Ben just texted that everything was ok now. But, yes, she did, indeed, talk to him. Still no details on the situation. But...right now...what matters to me is...she talked to him!! And didn't tell me. And talked to him...when she wasn't talking to me. o.0 It's a jealousy issue. I'm well aware of that. But it's so much more than that, too. *sighs* Every fucken time Andy becomes an issue...no matter who introduces him...we ALL bleed!! The wound just gets reopened. Yet again...

I hafta be up in 3 hrs. Couldn't sleep...spastic about Andy. And WTF was gonna happen or was happening 3000 miles away from me!! UGH!!! FML...

And I've still yet to hear from her...really?! >.<

I take it all back. I'm reeling it all back in. Going back in the box, buried down a deep well, with a steel-reinforced concrete wall around it. I can't cut the leash but she's gonna have a helluva time finding the end of it for a while. When I hurt...I hide. She knows that better than anyone. And I've got a severe gaping wound atm...

An Instant...

In a moment's notice...everything...*EVERYTHING*...can crash & burn!! With one text, I am solidly dangling over the edge, gasping for breath! I will retain complete judgement til I hear what all has happened. But, still...until then...I fight to maintain control. SOOOOO much running through my head in this instant that it aches horribly...

Words...Feelings...

I had some things that were weighing on me & I thought needed to be said. But, then...I decided NOT to say them. Second-guessing myself, as always. However...I ended up saying them anyway. I'm ok about having said them cuz...after all, it IS how I feel!! But a part of me is not ok about them being said cuz...that's just another brick crumbling out of my wall...creating a vulnerable spot. o.0 Quite the conundrum...

But...all in all...my world is slowly beginning to right itself!! I feel good about that. Does that mean I'm "falling"? When I've been this OK before...I was slipping & falling, head over heels...with zero ability to stop it. Landing at the bottom of that fall was excruciating!! But the situation is different this time. Does that really make a lot of difference?? I have no way of knowing that. That's the scary part!

All I can do is survive each day, making choices that lead to yet another decision. That's all ANY of us can do, right?? We create our own destiny by the decisions we make. What's odd is that the destiny I thought I was going to have...& that I lost...is making another appearance again. Does that mean...it was truly meant to be? Dunno...*shrugs*. I'm just wading through the waters...feeling my way about, semi-blindly. No rose-colored glasses this time but still...not sure I trust what I see before me...

In other news...I get paid tomorrow. My "plan" is to buy some more patches & attempt to quit smoking. Again. As well as changing my diet. Again. December. A new month. The month that generally makes me a bubbling, oozing mess. But...for me, a fresh start doesn't start in January. December is my HELL. I need to proactively make it better. Physically AND emotionally. I have a reason to WANT to make it better...even if I don't verbally acknowledge what that reason is...

Burlesque!!

The Cookie Party at work was a HIT!! :D Especially the carrot cheesecake cookies...hahaha!! My 1st response upon tasting it was..."It's an orgasm in my mouth!" "Mouth"...AKA Amanda...proceeded to let certain customers know what I said for the rest of the day...OMG! lolol

I left work at 5 pm. Came home & took a nap til 7:30. Then got up & got dressed. Was going with Amanda & Dan to Orlando to The Peacock Room. Their friend, Stephanie, was competing for a spot with Flirtini Foxxes Burlesque troop. hahaha OMG...I LOVE Burlesque but have never seen it live before! ;-p The place was super tiny & PACKED!! The room where the stage was was even tinier! ACK!! Me & crowds do NOT get along but I had something to focus on while the show was going on so it wasn't so bad. hehehe I developed a crush on the Mistress of the night, Sophie LaMore. She's my "type" so it was expected! LMAO!! Not QUITE the reaction I had to seeing Female Domination for the 1st time but...*chuckles*...I quite enjoyed myself! ;-p I got to get right up front. I was about 4 rows back & all I could see was people's backs. Then the security guard motioned for me to come up to the front...cuz I'm so freaking short...HAHAHA So I got to see everything, up close & personal! :D We hung around afterwards for a while. Dan was getting hit on by this gay guy & Amanda has to work tomorrow so she finally drug him outta there. We got home a little after 2 am. I'm wide awake!! Sheesh...

Long Day...

Work wasn't so bad. I basically just fed my OCD all day...lol. I'm completely redoing the spinners in Room 3 since Cindy added a 4th back in there. I got to Greeley...LOL! And I'm on the 2nd spinner. Ack. Whatever. I didn't hafta deal with people so it's all good! ;-p Well, not til 4:30 anyway. Manda left before 4 so she could start the prep work for making cookies tonight (for the Cookie Party @ work tomorrow). Kelli left at 4:30ish cuz she opened at 8 this morning. I left Cindy with Jim still in the store at 6 so I could head over to Manda's. Allie was there, helping with making the cookies. I basically just watched! HAHA I was there just to hang out. And...I was gonna take the carrot cheesecake cookies back to the store to put in fridge there cuz Manda doesn't have enough fridge space for all this stuff. lol The boys were surprised to see me in the store in the middle of the night! ;-) They were so cute--all hyper & stuff. *giggles* But...I hafta say...being in there at night was unnerving!! ACK!! I'm there by myself in the mornings when I open but this was WAY different! Spooky. Creepy. Guess cuz it's night time & there's no lights outside really. I was by myself & unprotected. Bleh... :/

Anyway...so I've been up almost 15 hrs & I'm beyond pooped!! :-( Hope I go to sleep soon...

Giving Thanks...

I woke up just before 10 am. Feeling...ehh...a little more at ease, since the late night text convo with Kat. Heh. Reassured. I know I go literally crazy at this time of year...that's not a shock. But to know she's there...to listen to it...& rearrange it for my brain to comprehend...makes a helluva difference. *smiles*

So...I did something out-of-character for me this morning. I still haven't fallen into the Thanksgiving greetings everyone is passing out but...I did my version of it. For those closest to my heart (Kat, Ben, Manda, Stacy, Kelli, Judy & Tanya), I left a little message on their FB wall...thanking them for being in my world. Heh. *blushes* Those are the people that I count on at various times...to lift me up, to save me, to let me be *me*...they ARE my world. I decided they needed to know it. ;-)

Then mom called. She guilted me into coming over there by telling me their roommate, Scott, wasn't gonna be there cuz he had to work. That Chuck was still coming (from Ft Lauderdale) but his brother wasn't coming with him after all. And she had ALL this food...& nobody to eat it!! hahaha Yeah. Fine. Ok.

Right after that, Judy texted me. Invited me to go with her & the whole clan to the massive family gathering that was gonna be happening at 1 pm (a guesstimated 50+ people were gonna be there). Told her that mom had just guilted me into going to her house. ;-p But thanked her for thinking of me.

Left here at 11:30 to go to mom's. Chuck was there already when I got there. She had really just started cooking everything. Right after I got there, got a text from Ben. Was short & sweet. Just said..."Huggs". One simple word. And it freaking MADE my day!! haha How pathetic is that?! ;-p I spent some time with the chickens. Not real chickens! Sandhill cranes that mom & Bud have pretty much domesticated. Broke Chicken (she has 1 leg that is half gone) & her son. Fed them peanuts on a couple different occasions. They'll take them right from your hand. Unless you've been that close to wildlife...you just have NO idea how satisfying & calming that is!! ;-) We finally ate around 2 pm. Everything was YUM!! Turkey, ham, dressing, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes & gravy & yeast rolls. For dessert, blueberry cream cheese pies & pumpkin pie. I had to bring dessert home with me. Couldn't eat it there--too stuffed!! lol

I got home at 4, so completely ready to crash...haha!! But I'm resisting! If I were to nap, I'd be awake most of the night & I gotta work tomorrow!

Texted with Manda back & forth for a while. We made a pact. She's not gonna let me slip into my hole this year. lol And I'm working on not doing it either. But it's not something I can achieve by myself...not being alone. It makes me super crazy emotional. Kat got a bit of that last night. And I don't WANT to go through this...or put anyone else through it!! :/ But I still need help with it. *sighs*

Now I'm just watching movies til it's bedtime. I feel good. My Thanksgiving was full of the people I care about & I've thanked them for being there. BIG difference from how it was supposed to go...me, holed up in my house, watching movies all day, speaking to no one, shut off from the world basically. And I would've been very unhappy. I would've felt unbearably alone & feeling really sorry for myself. And missing certain people excruciatingly so. I'm very thankful that's NOT the day I had...& I owe that all to my mom, Judy, Manda, Ben & Kat. ❤ ❤ ❤

Ahhh...

I made it through the day. Sorta. The morning was ok. I was by myself til 10 when Kelli came in. Had been quite busy up til then. Normally, I may have 3 customers MAYBE...between 9 & 10. Not today! Probably about 15+. Had 6 lined up at once! lol It was all good though. Luckily, Lori didn't try to "help". haha Manda didn't come in again...still sick. I felt good til maybe noon. Then the headache & nausea came back! :/ Started kicking my ass, too. Ugh. This needs to stop already! :-( I left around 3:30. Kelli was gonna close early. Maybe 4ish. Dunno when she actually closed though. She'd tried to call & text me around 6:30...but I was asleep. And she never responded to my text... o.0

Kat was basically off today. My "plan" was to get to talk to her when I got off. That didn't happen. *sighs*

So, yeah...sleep. lol I passed out around 4:45ish. Woke up at 8 pm. Movie, dinner, movie. Almost time for more sleep...

Mom was bugging me this morning about tomorrow. I may end up going over there. Dunno. *sighs* I don't want to. But...she's making dressing...*laughs & sighs*

Hmm...

Had texted mom that I wasn't gonna come over on Thursday...cuz I've been sick since Sunday. Well, that led into 20 questions about what was wrong, etc. She ended up suggesting Excedrin Migraine--which I've never used! The regular...Extra Strength has always worked just fine. Made a comment to Kelli about it. She said that's what she'd taken to get rid of hers & that we had some there at the store. So I took some. Being sick was only an excuse not to go to mom's. I just don't wanna go. It's Thanksgiving. I don't want to participate. Plus, I don't want to waste the gas...seeing as I'm almost on empty & won't have enough left to last the rest of the month if I go! Ugh. *sighs* Whatever.

I ended up leaving work at 4:45. Was still pretty miserable & Kelli was willing to stay the extra hour since she was still feeling good. Cindy gave us a $25 Publix Gift Card for Thanksgiving. Well, that's useful! :-) Except...stupid me...my head killing me & being in a complete mental state ANYWAY right now...wasn't thinking...hey DUMMY--don't go to a grocery store 2 days before Thanksgiving!! Yeah...big mistake! Ughh...

Jenn started texting me later in the evening. Started with what sounded like a BS intro...she asked if I've been sick cuz she'd dreamed I was in the hospital. Mmk... o.0 Whatever. We continued chatting. Said she's going to therapy, to work on her anger issues. Again, immediate reaction was...BS! But if she really is...I hope it helps her. After that point, I kinda got lost in the convo. She started talking...like she does sometimes...using lots of words but not much of it makes a lot of sense. *shrugs* I think I get that way with her a lot cuz...I don't believe her. Whether it's just a simple trust issue, or I expect her to just lie to me, or I'm just pre-programmed to assume most things people say are JUST words & not an actual honest feeling...I'm not sure. :/ At any rate, I ended up re-adding her to FB. We'll see what happens...

I went to bed at 10...like I'm supposed to. But that didn't exactly work! Argh. I gave up from tossing & turning at 11 & got back up.

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. Pooh! he whispered. Yes, Piglet? Nothing, said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. I just wanted to be sure of you." AA Milne

I texted Kat...not expecting a response...lol. Especially didn't expect Ben to start texting...haha!! :D I haven't really talked to him since Jenn 1st got here. He was sick, got aggravated about the drunk phone call & I thought he was mad at me about talking to Kat too much & then he was gone for 2 weeks...etc, etc...so I've not had the courage to text him 1st. Anyway, we texted back & forth for a while.

I'm in a real funk. Kat is concerned about me feeling "abandoned" when I'm really just "hiding" from her. She's right. Unfortunately. This time of year throws me over the edge & I have been avoiding her. I've been avoiding everyone kinda. But her especially. It makes me terrified of her. This is when she threw me away. I automatically & unconsciously go back to that time period. 2 years ago, I was IN it. Last year, I went into complete meltdown mode. So far, I've not totally gone off the deep end this year. But...I have her...& Ben...as anchors, this year. It makes a difference. But...I have to figure out how to reach out to them...to touch them when I need the reassurance that they're really there. I've not heard her voice since Friday...& I won't til Monday, most likely. I'm in this bog & can't hear her & it makes me sink a little deeper. Text is ok...but it doesn't totally do the trick. That's mostly due to the fact that I've been over text & online stuff...for years now. :/ But...it is what it is. *shrugs*

They're still making references to me coming up there after xmas. I can't. Even if I was ok, emotionally...I still can't. Airfare for that time period is UTTERLY ridiculous!!!!! Yes...I've been looking...*chuckles*. Like $900!! Seriously?! No fucken way can I let her do that! She won't promise me no attempt at sex & I don't want to lose them over sex so I REALLY don't want to even go there with them. And if she spent that kind of money to get me there...I'd feel obligated. I just don't even want to be in that position...no matter how much I really & truly want to see her...under all of the fear of doing so. *sighs*

So...anyway...I finally laid back down at 1 am but still didn't really fall asleep for a long while. Up at 5 am &...yeah...I'm SO not awake! At all. Is this day over yet?? :/

On a brighter note...after 3 doses of Excedrin Migraine now...I'm starting to get some relief! Yay! Off to work I go...

Rough Night...

Ok, so...I laid back down at 4:30. Had enough of the cramping & nausea. I was initially up cuz of "the dream". Once I was awake, I realized I was in pain. Which caused the pain I was feeling in the dream, too...which is double weird when that happens but anyway! I'd set alarm for 6:30 instead. At 5:40, I was still awake, hurting & tossing & turning so I changed alarm again...for 8 am. Figured I'd just jump up & get dressed...no shower...whatever...just get there in time to open. I'm OVER this day before it's even started, at this point. Was still awake at 7:20. *sighs* So I wake up at 8...have texts from Manda & Kelli. Manda's been up all night, being best friends with the toilet so she's not coming in! Kelli wants to know if she or I should be in to open. Couple texts later, we decide I can come in later. So I got to get my shower after all! ;-) Anyway...off I go. Hope this day doesn't last forever...FML...

TOO Early!!

Ok, so I went to bed at like 9 pm last night. Would've been GREAT except...I woke at 1:45 am...wide awake! Grrr!!! Wisdom tooth is bothering me. Which happens randomly on it's own or whenever allergies are acting up OR...when I have headaches that don't seem to go away (which I've had for the last 3 days!) I'm on 2nd cup of coffee, have done FB & Twitter (nobody is awake this late/early) so I'm contemplating reading (but that will surely put me back to sleep) or watching a movie. But coffee is starting to make me sluggish (does that sometimes--why I quit drinking it 2 yrs ago). So maybe after this cup, I'll just lay back down. Normally get up at 5 when I open but I could sleep til 6 or 6:30...since I've already done my normal morning routine...bleh. Today is gonna be so fucked up...

Sickness!!

Was still sick when I woke up this morning. It just got worse throughout the day. However...it may not just be me being mental right now. I think it probably IS but...there's another possibility anyway.

Manda said Gage had diarrhea all weekend. When a severely autistic child gets ill, it's a living hell! So...needless to say, Manda had a pretty shitty weekend (no pun intended!). Well, all day today, she complained she was having severe issues with her guts, too. Kelli called in today...migraine & nausea. Said Judy was sick, too! Blast!! I will cross my fingers that this is just my emotions working overtime & not some bug everyone around me seems to be getting...ick!

I'm already at the point where I just wanna find a hole somewhere & hide...til the holidays are over. I'm gonna read now. Really liking this ARC I'm reading...The Secret History of Elizabeth Tudor, Vampire Slayer by Lucy Weston. It publishes in January & Cindy wanted me to give it a go. Now that I have the peace to read, I'm getting back into doing so...still need to finish my book club book from last month! lol Shannon K Butcher's Living Nightmare. 4th in that series...awesome!! I think that's the only series we've read that I've actually kept up to date on! ;-p

Movies & reading...that's all I wanna do til January!!

Dreaming of Fear...

Like I said before, I've been dreaming a lot this week. It's all been about the same thing basically. It's been centered around that moment in my life, 2 years ago, when I stepped off the plane in Seattle. I was beyond nervous about meeting Kat & the girls. That was a given! But walking through Baggage Claim...I remember seeing the girls 1st & then Kat. That was when it hit me. I was almost instantly paralyzed with fear. Fear of touching her. Period. I hugged Rachael & then Anna & it felt like..."these are MY girls!" They were instantly REALLY & truly a part of my world. I'd always been attached to them. Now they were REAL. That feeling only grew as I spent what little time I had with them. Probably why...even til this day...when either one of them mentions the "mistake" that split us up...it cuts me to the core, all over again! Even though they are just kids, knowing they have the wrong impression of me...hurts like a bitch! :/ *sighs* But the moment that I tried to hug Kat...it was awkward, frightening, exhilarating & felt like "home" all in one single moment. But...what sticks with me the most is the fear of it. I couldn't let go of her FAST ENOUGH! That few seconds of contact burnt & scarred me. Why? It shouldn't have felt like that but it DID. It did cuz...I knew, deep in my soul, that we weren't allowed to be ok with each other. It did cuz...I knew Ben wasn't ok with it. It did cuz...I wanted it to be ok...TOO much so. And the days that followed, that fear grew in intensity. So much so that it was literally suffocating at times. I had 2 distinctive panic attacks from it. One night, just sitting around in the living room, watching a movie & just being there, after Thanksgiving with Ben's family. The last one...when she was gathering everything together to go to her parents for xmas...& abandoning me for a week. Alone. Snowed in. With only the pets for company.

That single moment, in the airport, has defined what happened with Kathy & Jenn, to a certain extent. I couldn't be free with someone I was ridiculously in love with. I've not allowed myself to be free with anyone else. Worst yet...I've still been unable to allow myself to be free with Kat again.

So why I've been dreaming of that moment in time...I'm not sure. Last night, I woke myself up from it...crying. I dunno...if it's cuz Thanksgiving/xmas is closing in on me. I dunno...if it's cuz Jenn is out of the picture now & that provides an opening with Kat that I couldn't totally take before. I dunno...if it's cuz she drew me up so close to Her for over a week & I got accustomed to it only to be dropped again afterwards. I dunno...if it's cuz I haven't talked to Ben in what feels like forever now. I just...dunno. I only know that it's making me a little crazy. I'm literally sick of reliving that moment in my life, over & over, lately. At this very moment, I feel like I could puke if I'd just go do it. :/ *sighs*

Anyway...so it's finally REALLY Sunday! This weekend, they're having the Art Festival downtown. The book signing yesterday for William Collins was a total flop! Whenever something's happening downtown, people don't come down our way. At all. Because it was so dead, Cindy suggested I take off early. It was 2:45 when I left. Not that having the extra time allowed me to do anything I had planned!! Ha! Sheesh. *rolls eyes* Instead, I watched a movie, took a nap, took a shower, did a load of laundry, read a little, watched another movie & then went to bed.

Got up at 10:30 this morning. Took trash out, did kitty litter, washed dishes, folded/hung up laundry from last night. Now I'm here. I *NEED* to work on the website!! Well, that's still a "plan"...at least so far anyways. :/ Whether or not it'll happen, remains to be seen. I'm super nauseous at the moment. Bleh. My head hurts. Feeling utterly alone & not sure what to do with myself just yet.

I need Jenn's address so I can send her clothes, towel & pillow to her...but I don't want to contact her to get the info! o.0

I think I wanna sleep...so I stop thinking. But...I'm afraid I'll dream instead...*sighs*

Almost Sunday...

I've been unaware of what day it was all week. I've been like a day ahead. It was only last night that I think I realize why. My world sort of crashed down around me Tuesday night when Schuster died. From that point on, I kinda just got lost. :/ In general, it's been a helluva LONG week!! I'm so incredibly ready for it to just be over already. Drama with Jenn...Schuster...Drama @ work...& plus, I've worked 4 days in a row this week (well, today will be the 4th). I can do 3, no problem. Beyond that, my system starts shutting down & I need a break from the stress. I'm opening today so at least I get to leave early...haha! *sighs*

It'll be a busy day today. We have William Collins at the store today, doing a book signing. 11 am - 2 pm...so that will take up most of the day. When I get home, I hafta do laundry & dishes & kitty litter. Then I can just crash & veg tomorrow. Well, sorta. I HAVE to get some stuff done for the website...since I avoided it all week...ugh!

Next week will be busy, too. Thursday is Thanksgiving...my day off for the week. lol Mom asked me if I was coming over for dinner. Chuck is coming up, I think, so it'll just be her, him & Bud there but...yeah...I think I'll just stay home. I've not been fond of Thanksgiving/xmas since I was a kid but I've totally avoided these holidays since...well...2 years ago when my world exploded. So...yeah...no thanks. Then Friday night after work, me & Kelli will go to Manda's & bake cookies all night for the Cookie Party @ work on Saturday. Then it'll be SUNDAY again! :D I adore Sundays...*sighs*

Loose Leash...

I've been thinking the last couple of days...more noticing, I guess, really. Kat has let go of my leash since Jenn left. We're back to where we were before she came to visit. I find it amusing. A little thrilling. A sort of comfort from it. She drew me up close to Her the day that Jenn was to arrive, really noticeably. And let go the day after she left here. Now...whether She did that for Herself, for me or for both of U/us...it doesn't really matter. The end result is what matters. She knew I was gonna need Her strength & support for that time period. THIS is what I kept trying to explain to Jenn about D/s. It's not about the physical. It's the emotional. It's knowing your partner...their needs. Kat has always been really good about picking up on the times that She needed to step up. She's missed some, too. But when I'm not totally honest with her about what's going on & what I think I need from Her sometimes...she's not a mind reader. There are times when my life engulfs me...sometimes in a matter of minutes & there's no time to explain anything. She gets bogged down in her own life, too, & her attention is scattered so she can't see as clearly as she can other times. Communication...whether subtle or obviously blatant...is KEY. Neither one of us can do D/s 24/7. And we both know it. But what keeps me Hers...is the times like this when she just automatically knows what to do, without me having to beg for it. I'm not sure that this dynamic is something that can be TAUGHT to someone. There's not a explanation for it so how could it be taught?? At any rate, I appreciate what she does. Even if I don't tell her that I do. I should tell her more often. She likes recognition & praise...but sometimes I just feel so silly...so stupid...not to mention, when I make a point of thanking her...it puts me more firmly into my position...heh... ;-)

Jenn texted me a little last night. I wasn't all that responsive to her. Mostly...cuz I don't know what she wants. Or what she's up to. I ran through my ability of "giving her a chance". She didn't want it. Didn't take advantage of it. I guess...really...I'm in that bizarre little spot with her where I'm just apprehensive. It'd be like if Neenah, Lee or Kathy were to contact me. Apprehensive about letting them back into my circle. That's where I am with Jenn. That strange place between being OVER the relationship & a tiny piece of me still willing to be a friend, after everything that's happened. I hate that spot...grrr!

Hurricane Kelli...

Well, apparently...when Kelli unleashed on Cindy yesterday morning...she TOTALLY unleashed on her!! haha It wasn't all about Schuster...it was about EVERYTHING! And it was mentioned that we all need to sit down & talk about this. Not that I think it'll make any difference. We tell her the same shit every day. The point is, she doesn't listen. She was really pretty quiet all day long. It was weird...lol!!

I need to work on more website crap. But I simply have no motivation. I just wanna sleep...

Had to close by myself tonight. That was nerve-wracking! :/

Sleep. I need uninterrupted sleep. I almost NEVER dream. And I've been dreaming for the last 3 nights. Ugh. Not that they haven't been enjoyable...lol...well, some of them. But I don't rest when I dream like that...

Another Day...

Another day...but yesterday still lingers...

My eyes hurt & are puffy...from crying. They feel super heavy, too. I just wanna sleep. Escape the world for now. Don't think I'm gonna go to Book Club tonight. Not in the mood for socializing anyway. Besides...we are trekking out to Pat's house tonight. She lives in another city (I forget which one). Meeting at Diane's house & carpooling from there. And...I didn't finish my book anyway. Life...& death...got in the way. :-(

Kat made a comment the other night. She was talking out of her ass...like she always does when she's *wishing*...but it sparked the DREAM, nonetheless! And the embers continue to burn. My 1st thought was..."I can't. Schu...he's not gonna last long but I can't take him away from here before then." Well...now he's gone. :/ The other part of that was...I'd have to give up my established life, such that it is. 2 years ago...I wanted a way out of the life I was in so the decision was easy. And I keep thinking, this time period, 2 years ago, I'd been with her for 4 days...& was SCARED TO DEATH!! But..."everything happens for a reason"...& we are in a different place now than we were 2 years ago. I'd give anything to be able to live there again. Fell in love with that place when I was there. And it's still a *dream* to be able to go back. But the dream faded & I know that IF I ever do go back, it has to be via my own ability to do so. And, most likely, that'll never happen. Still...2 years ago, it seemed like the "right time" cuz my temporary job had ended. I'm kinda in that same place now...scrambling to keep this sinking ship I'm on afloat & all. All that ties me to here is my job. But...LOGICALLY...I know I can't follow through with that whisper of a whim of her's...no matter how much I really want to...& not solely because of HER (like it was 2 yrs ago)...but for ME... :/ *sighs* I can't afford that kinda move. I can't afford to set myself up immediately. I can't afford the "dream"...

Sorrow...

What's sad is that...I'm still crying...over Schuster...like I've lost a person. Funny that...I'm more affected by animals than people. :/ I've posted The Rainbow Bridge poem & my standard 3 "funeral" songs on FB...& still crying. Sebastian was a precious baby at the beginning of it. Got on the bed with me, gave me kisses, cuddles, kneads & licked my tears as I cried for Schu. He always does that when I'm sick or upset.

I need to sleep. Kelli asked me open tomorrow. I swear to Gawd...if Cindy says ONE wrong word tomorrow...I'm gonna lose it. The tears need to stop & my head needs to stop pounding so I can sleep...

I love you, Schu-Schu. Gonna miss my love bug. I know he was hurting & was in a lot of pain...I could see that by the way he was acting but...I guess...I wanted to be selfish & keep him for just a little while longer... :-(

Not A Good Day...

Started the afternoon off by trying to talk to Jenn. It turned into an argument of her still blaming me & saying she needed time to forgive me (for WHAT I have no idea!) & ended with me deleting her from everything...

She tried contacting me afterwards but...I was involved with...Schu...

I started noticing Schuster really going downhill yesterday. He didn't wanna eat or drink. The bathroom sink is his favorite thing EVER & he didn't even want that. His fur had started getting funky & there's a foul smell to him. Today...he still wouldn't eat or drink. Is crying miserably. Hiding. He's licking his lips constantly & his little tongue will just hang out. He didn't wanna cuddle. I could pet him...but no cuddles. His breathing was labored, too. At 5, I went down & told Judy what was happening. She called Dr Smith's service & I came back upstairs. Savannah came up a minute later...to say goodbye to him. Judy called & said she was gonna take him to the emergency vet that opens at 6, instead of letting him suffer through the night. Kelli came up about then to say goodbye & to take him downstairs. Since he's got very little fight left in him, we decided not to use the carrier...since he hates it so much. Wrapped him up in the towel & carried him down to Judy. Her & Joe took him. She didn't want me (or anyone) to go with them. :-( I still can't quit crying...I'm gonna miss that love bug sooooo much!!! *sobs*

*stupid*

Yeah, yeah...I know! I'm stupid. I can't help it. o.0 But...I finally got what I needed & I'm ok now. I can handle my world a bit better...for a while anyway. lol *sighs* No more tears for a while...

Drama at work all day. I stayed closed off in Rooms 3 & 4 all day but had my own frustrations with that! Ugh. It's NOT that hard to keep it up...if you have at least ONE viable brain cell...like REALLY?! Whatever.

Got home for a little while. Then decided to go to Publix for a handful of things. Came home again. Got my phone call...*smiles stupidly*. Did trash. Started a load of laundry (the sheets, towels, etc from the beach house). Now I'm just...here. Waiting on laundry. Should do dishes.

Tomorrow...working on website stuff. Yay...

The Darkness Descends...

Now that I've finally slowed down for the day...it begins to hit me again. The darkness that is draping down over me. I keep telling myself that I DON'T need what I think I do. I can't get it so logically, I don't *need* it. However, that just makes the darkness darker. :/ Because I realize that even after so much has changed...some things will always stay the same...the things that always hurt me the most. *sighs*

I'm trying to read my book. Book club is Wednesday night & I'm not even halfway through it yet. Ugh. I'm off Tuesday but I gotta go back over to mom's for more website crap. *sighs*

Right now...all I wanna do is sleep...block out my mind. Though, that didn't work last night. I barely slept...for thinking.

Need...

I feel a bit...weird...at the moment. Not sure how to describe it.

I guess Jenn & I *officially* broke up tonight. But before that, the intense thinking about forgiveness & such had already put me in a weird state. Because it led to a lot of other thoughts that weren't voiced.

So I feel...weird. Sad. Alone. A bit depressed, I suppose. But none of that is in the "normal" sense. It's more like a heaviness that's come down upon me. It has me...unsettled. Anxious even. I feel incredibly *tired*. Guilty maybe? I'm not sure at all of how to truly describe it. Some parts of me are numb while others are raw & bleeding. I need a sort of comfort that I can't get. It scares me. Makes me worry a little.

And I couldn't get what I needed so it's suffocating me a bit.

Spending the day at mom's tomorrow. Laundry. Just a small dent in what needs to be done. Shopping for grain-free food for Schuster. Of which, I'm well aware that is a simple band-aid to up his comfort level & not cure him. I feel at such a loss with him. I can't protect him. Judy & I had a convo this afternoon...about his burial. She came to tears almost. So did I. It spread sort of a gloom over an already weird day. Then, lastly, we're gonna work on the store's website. And I really don't even care that much about it anymore. I'm like...what's the fucken point anymore?! :/

It's been a tough day. I'm feeling...pretty pathetic right now. Crying & feeling sorry for myself...& others that I can't do anything about. I kinda think I know what this is...but I dare not name it...Goodnight, Moon...